Rampant Polemic

2009 Aug Journal
September 17, 2009, 1:15 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized


WEARING A SUIT after showered 2nd time, feels MAGICAL and good and COMFORTABLE and healthy and intelligent and fun and GREAT. Ahhh feels relaxing nad GOOD.
Okay what else.  Realized that I don’t want the hollywood, drama, politics, english, maybe computers, ILLUSION and am always running away from the cult of hollywood, family, country, religion and I dont’ want that to interfere nor have a presence in my life ANYMORE ever again
CLEANING felt incredible.  Cleaning the tent, cleaning stuff felt INCREDIBLY aligned and good wow.
I’m considering making a SERIOUS commitmetn nad focus to playing wow.  Like putting in MANY MANY many hours a day and taking it VERY seriously.  RL is unfulfilling, really stupid and menaingless and worst of all, unsafe.  doing the
watching videso and focusing on my past and all journaling and writing brought me NO joy, no clarity, ust definending off people but I don’t need to fend them off I do /ignore lol which is marvelous and GREAT and fulfilling yay!  cool as.
Feel VERY frustrated about computer setup.  The laptop is more comfortable but it’s PUNY.  And the imac is GREAT but it’s uncomfortable using the desk.  so that’s a bit problematic.
I’m not even focusing on the books the furniture, it’s consumed WAY WAY WAY too much of my time those STUPID STUPID pathetic material things OMG ridicuoulsu.
FELT free focusing on   it’s like VERY VERY VERY hard to do things on the computer,  I get the idea to
level up verne
look at my iMovies for self-tehrapy
make tons of gold TONS on philleas
complete philleas grey quests
install ram
clean and put away and eliminate stupid apartment shit.
I think everything feels MASSIVeLY uncomforagble — Wow, computer things, reads, mindmaps b/c I want to make money. I realized on the hike I don’t have the capacity to manipulative people to get money the way kjlkjlkjlkjlkjlk  sor other people do.  I ALSO remembered that in every job I had had I was abused, toyed with, and treated like shit (xandu, chefs saying idiot, stupid highlighting crap, wouldnt’ let do the coffee crap, etc).  IT’s like an inability to focus like maybe could get TONS of mindenhancing things.
What do I want to do?  I don’t have access to the manipuliatve person type that can make money
I hate intereacting with peopel b/C PEOPLE:
1.  Manipulate me
2.  Get me to buy things and take my money
3.  Try to give me crap, toxic advice.
I am always changing and I am NOT into nlp, nor persuasion, nor ANY of that politcs crap.  that I hate.  I HATE having to decide about beds and furniture crap I HATE that ffs I hate it.
I feel VERY stressed and scared and UNCOMFORTABLE because I CANNOT and will not be in calabaas adn will die if I DO this place is REVOLTING and disgusting and toxic and it”s like impossible to focus ffs I hate this place OMG.  WOW.  I need caffeine.  I REALLY need caffeine ffs.
Astronomy, Calculus, chemistry,
the LAG in the game is HORRENDOUS truly DISGUSTINGLY intorlerabel there’s constnat lag OMG it’s vile I have to reinstall all  system software prob. and do non case senseivet and NEVER visit booby sites again and basically be very caerefol of what I use on the computer
if there’s heinous lag, it’s impossible to enjoy the game, to enjoy AnYTHING with computer, lag is horrendous if it’s not inasosjfosdjflksdfjsdlkfjsdlk sdjlk sdlfk sdjlksd jksdl jslk fjslkjslksdjsdsdklf jsdlkasdjl if it’s not instantaneous INSTANTIOUS  it’s anot fun.
other ideas, HaC is a NUB guild. complete nub guild.  and I want my mains to be the best. very serious about tha.t  completely serious.
they’re like my bio fam ffs!! That’s scary by that I mean they make a HUGE deal out of helping people, just for the sake of helping them , which is nice, but it’s annoying becuase htey stay nub and don’t learn things.  Wow .  Using hte iMac with the lag makes me feel VERY angry VERY, and being on the carpet too.
it’s like all these resources with wow etc. yikes.
Felt Good to talk on wow.
OMG i’m not going anywhere iwth this guild. what do you WANT. I’d like to complete my quests and high level  content.  okay I think I need to keep typing.  I’m AFRAID of people.  VERY afraid of people .  because peoople have toxic beliefs.
the guild doesn’t do anything.  it’s kind of bleak in a way.  it doens’t move forward, it’s a lot like calalbasas.  But then I fear that high end content woudl be problematic because not nie peopel
GOOD guild =
GOOD players non noob.  AND VERY NICE
HUGE realiztion  ACTING and communicating kind of like adult but iwth the moral thought process of kid like hhmm I don’t think I like this b/c hard to advance to new content.  I’ll leave haclotto to socialize but  i aoidsjfsdf
VERY concerned about focusing on things that don’t move life forward.
VERY VERY concerned about new apartment b/c 1) I don’t like dealing with people and credit checks
other altas
Could SELL EVERYTHING literaly everything
iphone 3gS
17″ laptop
large backpack,
go to Aus.
wow I hate that guild ffs.
I want to do massive math problems but I DON’t because I’m not absolute cerain that’s what I want.
don’t do barely any of something (evne though smething I VERY mUCH TRST) b/c uncertain if its wat aj
AB:   I did this junior year with chem, b/c I thought it would be too hard
A¬B:   was certain but barely did it, yeah if I was “saving it” b/c liked it
¬AB:  did a lot of it even though wasnt’ cetain; YEAH religion crap, humanities note-taking bullshit crap!
¬A¬B:   did do what I want and was absolute certain..hhmmmmmmwell I ‘m not certain about it now but I was about exercise runnign and did tons of that.
apply to self:  again this is like thinking about doing something if you ahd a tremendous amount of concidence in something food, lifestyle, peopel etc, and you didn’t act on that, that would make you feel pretty pathetic no? yer.
intention:  intention is to “close up” the bullshit stuff i’ve wasted time on which is a lame intention. another hting is math stuff requreis tons of focus which is why I like it
consequence: of diong this is I experience Energy drain of indecision, pain, uncertainty, doubt, and the LOst positive experience of moving forward with that good thing!
hierarchy of criteria:  if you have  a TON of confidence that xyz thing wil make ur life better, isn’t it more important ot plan and massively schedule in stuff for it?
chunk down: you don’t set the time and paper and calculator out and actually do a handful of math problems even though you blab and post “math” reminders around room and have tremendous confidence in the clarity and fulfillment math will bring.
chunk up:  you have something that could be very aligning but you don’t do problems from it on regular basis because you don’t simply clear the table and get paper nad calc!
reality strategy:  this operates from reality you have certainty to do tsomething but you NEVER have 100% (even in most precise science well okay there’s osmetims 100% but 100% certainy is rare like water always will be frozen at 0 K etc.  but certainy is great and I think we’re certain enough.  100% certainty has been rpreq for doing new things and that slows awsome thigns. if you need 100% then approach it iwht 1005 certainty and then know that can change or say trying it out even though not 100% but very hightgreat
evidence: evidence that I have done this is all the “math compilation, thinking of doing math podacst if dopodcast/youtube will ONLY be math, have invested in princeotn reveiw math book, math is big and I’ve only read some of it.
as-if limiting belief 100% dissolved:  I’d do the problems, feel clear, and would have sceudle and would probably look forward to the mental engagement and mind clarity of the puzzles for sure.
WHY the computer lag REALLY doesn’t work.  Because i click on a a music file to start and then move on to the next task but if I have lag I stand their lagging around the same task and it’s, to say the least, massively intoxicating and frustraing and toxic.
IONO what to do about haricut.

I always feel intimidated and threatne by smart people  but then fearful of utilizing my full and comprehensive vocabulary with unintelligent people frankly.  What was the allure to wow?  Frnakly it was the ability to communicate in text without facial expression, tone, nor body langauge,  I excelled there and enjoyed it.

TRy communicating in computer speek
Solve Problems;
if (have problem && don’t know how to solve it)
rand1 (1-10) && rand2 (1-10)  if rand 1 = rand 2 do rand again
rand 1= execute LimitingBeliefDissolver;
rand 2 =  execute Frames;
rand 3 = examine mindmap NLP;
rand 4 = swish;
rand 5 = submodality change;
rand 6 = compare contrast;
rand 7 = tote;
rand 8 = logical levels ECBIS;
rand 9 = theatre of mind;
rand 10 = dock of the bay;
rand 11 = timelines
rand 12 = double-disaccoiation
rand 13 = cartoon;
stay in guild
while ( guild  == easy to earn shards, emblems, gear && ppl are nice && ppl are not demanding )
OMFG the lag on the imac is 1. INTOLERABLE.  2.  ENRAGING unaccepatable
What if I didn’t have computer stuff?
I feel awful
I hate crap
I HATE how LONG it takes to change things. like replace imac for laptop
I HATE all my indecision. I HATE IT I HATE IT.  I hate how I WANT verne in own guild with muliepl tabs for storage etc. and I can’t take this lag
What do I desp
I HATE this computer.  The lag is 100% nintolerable it’s INToiiojd
I’m enraged.  ENRAGED . Nothing changes.
tiem to start experimentingin with things. I may need to just start doing things like if I want to level up verne, just level him up, if I want ot delete the bed, delete it, if I want ot go to SB for 4 days, go there, if I want ot move to canada, move there, if I want to move to melbourne, move there. I CAN’T do those things b/c of not having money.  nothing works in my life.  I need less less and less, when did I accumulate hte
Surfboards — bought it randomly when with parents HELL
bike — randomly hated it
furnituet made me buy it etc.
My vocabulary is ENORMOUS by utilizing my enormous vocabulary, problems will decombose, dissolve and simply unravel. calculus sponors and embodies the epiphany of reliaty menaing that reality will emerge and my ability to control and manipulate reality will emerge upon doing calculus problems. that, needless to say causes a remarkable source of clarity.
okay at this time of day feel like energy has sluggishified, feel drained and lost and in hell I LOVED learning a bout ocntrapostive WOW I LOVED constrapaosij
I HATE my mom.
OKay doing some more writing to try to feel clear.  I feel WAY overheated, stressed. etc hell
okay!! that evernote is a fucking piece of shit. Word indeed drop box and gdocs are great. Gdocs is TERriFICALY awesome and tehn can keep it only active docs with the mains stuff in dropbox rad! or on mobile me idksi kk

August 20, 2009 — 6:28 AM
My HATRED And desire to inflict pain upon The following people is VERY STRONG.  The desire to have them tortured for the amount of suffering they’ve caused me.  The greatest foes of all are my parents, but my hatred and MASSIVE anger towards the following people is meritted, warranted, and understandable.  These following people I WOULD be OVERJOYED to see tortured and killed especially ssk and tdk of whom I’d like to be bled to death.  The people are:


  • Dr. Ngueyn   — prohibiting me from the AP Chem class that I wanted to take that HE KNEW I wanted to talk
  • Coach Bauer — getting me out of soccer
  • Coach Daley — For being a militant, freak fuckhead during highschool years.
  • MOST all americans — for wasting my life, my time, for being losers and thus making me a loser,
  • SSK — for being revolting, toxic, destructive, emotionally abuse, orwellian, brainwashing, domineering, despotic icy, cruel, greedy, and bullying. My mom turns men’s mind’s to slush.  My mom demasculinated my father.  My mom is a demon.  My mom is A HELL brainwasher woman.  She’s a demon. She’s a corrupt, intoxicating, freakishly disturbed loser.  She’s nurse Ratchet, the manchurian candidate brainwasher person.  She’s like the emperor. my mom makes men minions. My mom COMPLETELY emasculated my father.  My father’s writing was crisp, bold, clear with managing new products and innovation.  It became meek, weak, feeble, childish, girlsih under the seductive, and TOXIC impact of ssk.  She’s a demon.
  • TDK — for being deceiving, deceitful, manipulative, exploitative, mocking, and revolting (clearly my anger towards ssk is far greater, in fact my anger towards ssk could be considered to be 10x as great as my desire to see my father die horribly, maybe I don’t want my father to die, maybe just my mohter).  I kind of have pity for tdk and i just see him as a baby i reckon.  For MAking me change out of Calculus. HOW REVOLTING.  My parents made me Change out of calculus. I remember how the light seemed to fade in that chem room when they pulled me out of calculus. AWFUL AWFUL AWFUL.   I do not run anymore.  Running distracted me from the IMPORTANT math it caused me to “be able to do” things I never wanted to do.  So running just perpetuates things that you don’t like doing because it makes the things I wouldn’t normally do (driving, stupid humanities SHIT, humanities is such a revolting waste of time it should be prohibited from being taught in schools).  Forcing me to see John Cooper (Whom I DID NOT LIKE) when I AM interested in SCIENCE, and for pulling me out of Calculus. and for encouraging running, which I HATE. he’s like a she; he’s like the emperor or darht vader. he’s loser warlock.
  • Most all californians — whom, like kyle forsythe, distracted me and made me feel revolting and whom are ALL TOXIC.
  • ALL Actors — Who wasted ENORMOUS amounts of my time and life as I delayed my life away from calculus and computer science and chem, the IMPORTANT things.
  • TIm Fuller — for saying I’ll never write a term paper
  • Most all CC Professors including caresse and ESPECIALLY murray — who criticized my capacity, tried to put me down, Why didn’t all the other brilliant geniuses like myself get put down by loser, pathetic, revolting, disgusting women?
  • Maya — Whom I’d like to be tortured, her eyes poked out, and slowly beheaded and bones crushed.
  • Breck — yeah i’d like that guy to die a slow tormented death too
  • tony robbins nad most all self-help people I’d love to see tortured and killed for making my life hell and WASTING my life for self-help books nad pulling me away from chem, calculus, computer science.
  • BIO FAm — for making me feel like I am always wrong, always inadequate, always less intelligent, always less wrothy, always having a probem
  • Jan Enright — for “terminatiing me”
  • The woman who said I can’t go in there re the chicago orchestra hall (when I will go in their and then I’ll rip her ears off and killl her.
  • ALL THE New Age, sellf-help people who have tried to offer me TOXIC foul, revolting advice — Lazelle, Aparna, Maya, most these fat, stupid, dimwitted, loser, lost pathtetic women.
  • Malibu Canyon Apartment people (ALL of them except james robinson and maximillien jung, who were failry okay) — I want them slaughtered, annihilated, and viciously tortured for such REVOLTING , GREEDY prices and for resemblign some of the most toxic people I’ve ever met, maya, breck, melissa, the teenfreeom people logan.
  • All the women who wanted to trap me by making me sit down.
  • ALL the prosetylizing Costa Ricans INCLUDING alex castro, all christian surfers, Those HORRIBLE cor, parker, emotionally abusive FUCKHEAD people.
  • Shakespeare — for writing really stupid crap.
  • I think Dr. Schultz — for being so distracing and scattered in teaching
  • I think mrs. campbell — for bieng such a poor math teacher.
  • Frellick, Hardgetgan — For being ABUSIVE acting people.
  • that computer science stanford woman – -b/c you don’t go on committes and you DO NOT major in breadth, you major in highly specialized field ONLY. just like Taletns, you Specialize in a Spec ffs.

THOSE PEOPLE INDIRECTLY AND DIRECTLY Caused hte following in me:To Destructively delay and detour and digress and distract away from INVALUABLE Calculus, Computer Science, ChemistryWhat’s VERY Strange is many of these people I dedicated my book too.  But just so I am ABSOLUTELY CLEAR with myself.  The above people I LOATHE and HATE and want them TORTURED massively.

I don’t want to forgive them.  I two things:  I want vengaance and them to suffer.  and 2) I want victory (calculus, financialy money in bank account any currency, chemistry, swimming, good apartment, JOB, computer science).

I listened to this standford podcast by a woman talking about all these math concepts I love.  I felt enraged quickly because she was selling hte school and I hated that.  She was a woman and I hate women.

So the above people all wronged me in the same way, they pinioned me away from somethign I wanted, be it to study a certain subject or success or most significanlty, money.Basically If I had stayed focused on and ONLY on soccer, chemistry, calculus, and computer science 100% and studied that in school (and swimming Nystrom I hope dies a horrible death too basically all people who made what I WANT — classical music, calculus, chemistry, soccer, swimming — so inaccessible
I want those people to bleed, and experience tremendous pain (which is what they’ve indirectly caused me to experience after all) I want them to experience massive, uncontrollably destructive pain and then die.
Maybe I hate all those people because they’re all losers.

And then I ‘d want to study those subjectes I like.
ALL those people led to the incredible distractiosn of self-help books, suring and surfboards, biking . I HATE those things.  Yes, I hate biking.  Yes, surfing is retard.  My father’s SUITS.  YES RETARDED and I hate them.
WHo are Acceptable People  — UPLIFTING PEOPLE UPLIFTINGMost Australians — they’r neutral or okayIRish people — the one’s I’ve met are Strong, bold, true GOOD, and FUNNY Slanick.British -most british are very solidDawkins — for giving me extra boost to trust in what I know is Right and wrong UNIVERSALLY.Newton, Andrew Wiles, Leibnitz — all math people.Apple and computer people.Slanick -GREATKhanacademy guy — FRIENDKRITZBERG — LOVELY, EXCELLENT PERSON and TEACHERFeynman — seems cool asRV Rahbar VIRK — AWESOME AS.  AWESOME As.  Like Slanick. fast-talking, brilliant So smart and not stuck up. AWESOME GOOD.

Scooter – Neutral

Wow.  This imac is SOOOOOOO MUCH better than other computers!  This rocks! I LOVE This imac!
PROBLEMS:Body.  I HATE taking care of it.  I HATE running.  well I HATE running California.  That’s FOR SURE.  I hate running in America.  I might like it in canada.

AB:  hat running esp in america. always?  yep I think so, hated it even when alexa and after latin, remember laying in stairwell  not wanting to ru \n and eating banaan powerbar and then running felt WAY overwhelemed I didn’t like that much  but after running is sometimes okay
A¬B:   hate runnign not in america…less o.  hhmmm umm london i didn’t hate it. was kind of peaceful in mornings but still was very hard to do because so monotonous, bland, disconcerting. ut i mean exercise was refreshing.
¬AB:  liked running and in america.  not really evermabe on mammoth cave spelunking but even that was not so interestign in running
¬A¬B: runnign was okay and not in america    ran in costa rica, mexico, AUS, Med cruise, many other places and running was neutral didn’t love it, didn’t hate it . i hate it in america. true kk.
apply to self:   this is like almost self-hurting bheavioar?
intention: intention is to stay aligned
consequence: is struggle and meh
hierarchy of criteria: more important ot stay aligned yes but to find way that feels smooth?
chunk down: moving physicolgoy quickly over gravel ground dislike in usa.  Isn’t it more LIKELY that yeah running is so-so but that you dislike just MOST things in usa b/c u dislike usa?!! yes!
chunk up: enivorment makes soemthing less enjoyabl
reality strategy:hate running i dont’ really care, i just need exercise for a boost and alignment sometims so I exercise. it’s not fun, but w/e hat’s my relaity strategy. a better one would be exercise that feels very uplifting etc.
evidence:massive evidence, running skyrockets and exercise in generall typicallly outside of usa hell crap
as-if limiting belief 100% dissolved:  would stay in great shape, has stess free, non-annoying, smooth aactually fun without people infterferecne crap comb it’s okay  running is and exercise whatever is-sos
SOLUTION: exercise and do more OUT of usa ffs i notehr other.
can’t clean apt.  my processs of getting hte furniture ouf of apartment is a bit sluggish and not as fast going as I am liking.
I want to trust my own voice more and be more “mentally contained” instead of randomly talking, I wanto to be like on regular basis EXCELLENT exaclty like how was with  after the hike and ignored that dude totally good rad!
apply to self:
hierarchy of criteria:
chunk down:
chunk up:
reality strategy:
as-if limiting belief 100% dissolved:
August 23, 2009 — 1:44 PM
PROBLEM:  I WANT to and MUST Do things i plan them and then like wait around for people to suggest me to do thigns like sell the stuff because when someone else suggests it I feel it’s “right and then I must do it” which is RETARDED and makes my life slow b/c I end up waiting around for ppl to telll me to do thigns that I already know I want to do and should do.  I want the capacity to direct myself more well I kind of do that ina snaertravel but with big sellign thigns

August 23, 2009 — 6:43 PM

#####—August 23, 2009—When I have to or WANT to go (ike in deadmines with elfye), i want the capacity to give myself permission to leave! YES guilt-free, smoohtly, naturally.

PROBLEM:I HATE HATE HATE HATE Interacting with buffoons nad americans but need them to buy my stuff.
I always second guess sales and doubt myself in the sale process, which I HATE doing
PROBLEM:My pain from working SO hard on thigns I HATE — the blogging, the podcasts (well podcasts are soso okay) — and NOT getting PAID for it coupled with how revoltingly LIFE sidetracked and life unsuccessful toe Toxic people toxic listed above make me feel so revolting and so pained that I retreat from life into book and virtual reality world which is very necesary at times.
PROBLEM:I only move away from pain (massive pain) and want ot do both, move away from pain AND toward pleasure, springboarding.
PROBLEM:AMERICA IS GAY.  America is a GAY STUPID country. America is NOT COOL.  It’s full of stupid clothe NO STYLE, NON-QUALIYT, ABSSENCE of Quality.  America is like a honda everyone driving honda.  Europe is like viper, it’s like horse and buggy, it’s like convertible jeep. It’s ALL good in europe. Europe is COOl, ADVANCED, high tech, QUALITY, FAst-talking GOOD PEOPLE.Americans are HOLLOW losers obsessed with money. Americans are DORKS.  Americans are pathetic, waste of life losers who think that “everything is in their pathetic vacant, void country” when NOTHING is in america.  America is a hollow husk full of braindead idiots.  The only problem with that is that I’m in that awful country.  Americans are OBSESSED wtih “looking good” and “being good” but they fail 100% americans are fuckhead pathetic losers.  Europeans WIN.  Americas are LOSERS.  Americas are ALL lsoers in life.  Slanick is winner.  europeans are STYLE.  SOPHISTICATED.  Americans are toddler babies NAIVE ignorant pathetic people. Europleans are ADVANCED and sophiscated and INTELLIGENT and Europe is a Life UPGRADE. America is a DOWNGRADE, america is living in a STUCK non-evolving life.  Europe is MORE EVOLTED>  AMERICA IS GREEDY and Empty and Dimwitted.  Europe is Briliant, sharp, FUN, UNIQUE AND ORIGINAL  America is an INFECTION disease of desiring Greedy Materialism that leads you

AMERICA is an ADVERTISEMENT.  America is a bunch of FAT IDIOTS obsessed with losing weight but never able to. PATHETIc.  AMERICA is a GIANT COUNTRY ADVERTISEMENT set of pathetic SHIT.
NOWEHRE.How will this end??
How will my indecision on dealing with/ deleetingdeleting My dad’s suitsdeleting  all these furnituretransporting my imac, upgrading iphone, upgrading macbook pro 17″moving to a place out of americadeleting all the non2009 booksDeleting the bookdelieting both surfboardsstudyign and devoting my life to calculus, chemistry, computer science, probably using NLP to help make the changes I want.Feeling vengeance has occurred to the above hitlist.EARNING MONEYFinally getting off gay’ass dath’remar server.

Majoring in Math/Computers?   Maybe ^^

ONE DEFINITE ENDING = I AM A SCIENTIST. DONE.  DEFINITE. 100% CERTAINTY.  YES!! I am NOT an actor, a radio host, a performer, a dancer.  Music is acceptable but all those other things I AM NOT . I am a bloody frickin SCIENTIST. YES.  all otehr thigns are trash!!!GOOD MEMORYThomas playing I like to move it move.  Why? Because active, fun, no money concern, action-packed, not caring about what brother was like, just being active, not working out, not trying to “improve” anything, just fun good not cool, not funny, just amusing good solid song
I did the recordingsn adn audio journals so I could be quick in my voice to ward off all the toxic people, which is a GREAT skill, but then I just am 95% to 100% fending off peopel which is great, but it’s neutral. uplifitng would be all them fended offo AND AND AND I move forward wtih .  AMERICA is PURE LOSERS.

VerneAGM TrinketHunter TunicDustEnchantsGank newbs
PhilPVP gear?

MORE realization!!
All those BAR scenes were sooooooooo gay and retarded.  ALL THE PUA shit was ALL SO GAY and retarded.
karaoke was so-so.  The day I got beatup was likely a night I was very aligned internally, but obviously VERY with the WRONG people. the fat, loser, idiostic american people. Get out of america.  You will NEVER Thrive in america.  The entire country is toxic. ALL the chicago bars, ALL the santa barbara bars, ALL the los angeles bars ALL so gay, stupid, fag loser, BUFFOON advertisers pathetic people


August 21, 2009 — 4:52 AM
Okahy, FEELING TREMENDOUS.  1.  Ran/walked/NLP envisioned on trail for about 1.5 hours really. 230ish to 4ish.  Showered before and after the trail. on the trail, envisioned torturing ssk, tdk, nguey, bauer, daley, people who didn’t hire me, etc. EXCELLENT.  And Most importantly made the profound connection with how we’re all here because of the goldilocks effect and astronomy, etc. VERY” RAD.  goldilocks effect etc. Tortured SSK And tdk b/c:they deluded me into getting interested in things I was not interested in (computers to some extent, judge, cooper ,psychology).not helping me when I needed it in life (to earn money, etc).ssk for being manipualtive cruel etc et.c

FElt TREMENDOUS freedom NOT talking to and completely IGNORING that stupid american when he said “hey what’s up or hey how’s it going?” Just hopped in car and sped off. THAT Felt GREAT.  It made me feel smart! excellent.  Ten things that MAke Americans RETARDED:1.  Toxic beliefs.”Chasing the bigger box” syndromeGas-guzzling car obsessionOut of touch with naturePollution — light, car pollution, etc.Stupidity, Unintelligencewidescreen tv watching, mind numnessuniformityConformity, group thingillusion that their country is the best when ti’s the worstlack of quality, no originality.2.  Obsession with luxury and opulence.

WEARING A SUIT after showered 2nd time, feels MAGICAL and good and COMFORTABLE and healthy and intelligent and fun and GREAT. Ahhh feels relaxing nad GOOD.

Okay what else.  Realized that I don’t want the hollywood, drama, politics, english, maybe computers, ILLUSION and am always running away from the cult of hollywood, family, country, religion and I dont’ want that to interfere nor have a presence in my life ANYMORE ever againCLEANING felt incredible.  Cleaning the tent, cleaning stuff felt INCREDIBLY aligned and good wow.

Okahy, FEELING TREMENDOUS.  1.  Ran/walked/NLP envisioned on trail for about 1.5 hours really. 230ish to 4ish.  Showered before and after the trail. on the trail, envisioned torturing ssk, tdk, nguey, bauer, daley, people who didn’t hire me, etc. EXCELLENT.  And Most importantly made the profound connection with how we’re all here because of the goldilocks effect and astronomy, etc. VERY” RAD.  goldilocks effect etc. Tortured SSK And tdk b/c:they deluded me into getting interested in things I was not interested in (computers to some extent, judge, cooper ,psychology).not helping me when I needed it in life (to earn money, etc).ssk for being manipualtive cruel etc et.c

August 30, 2009 — 3:50 PM

computers i actually like and are clarifying like math

FElt TREMENDOUS freedom NOT talking to and completely IGNORING that stupid american when he said “hey what’s up or hey how’s it going?” Just hopped in car and sped off. THAT Felt GREAT.  It made me feel smart! excellent.  Ten things that MAke Americans RETARDED:1.  Toxic beliefs.”Chasing the bigger box” syndromeGas-guzzling car obsessionOut of touch with naturePollution — light, car pollution, etc.Stupidity, Unintelligencewidescreen tv watching, mind numnessuniformityConformity, group thingillusion that their country is the best when ti’s the worstlack of quality, no originality.2.  Obsession with luxury and opulence.

WEARING A SUIT after showered 2nd time, feels MAGICAL and good and COMFORTABLE and healthy and intelligent and fun and GREAT. Ahhh feels relaxing nad GOOD.

Okay what else.  Realized that I don’t want the hollywood, drama, politics, english, maybe computers, ILLUSION and am always running away from the cult of hollywood, family, country, religion and I dont’ want that to interfere nor have a presence in my life ANYMORE ever againCLEANING felt incredible.  Cleaning the tent, cleaning stuff felt INCREDIBLY aligned and good wow.

I’m considering making a SERIOUS commitmetn nad focus to playing wow.  Like putting in MANY MANY many hours a day and taking it VERY seriously.  RL is unfulfilling, really stupid and menaingless and worst of all, unsafe.  doing the
watching videso and focusing on my past and all journaling and writing brought me NO joy, no clarity, ust definending off people but I don’t need to fend them off I do /ignore lol which is marvelous and GREAT and fulfilling yay!  cool as.
Feel VERY frustrated about computer setup.  The laptop is more comfortable but it’s PUNY.  And the imac is GREAT but it’s uncomfortable using the desk.  so that’s a bit problematic.
I’m not even focusing on the books the furniture, it’s consumed WAY WAY WAY too much of my time those STUPID STUPID pathetic material things OMG ridicuoulsu.
FELT free focusing on   it’s like VERY VERY VERY hard to do things on the computer,  I get the idea tolevel up vernelook at my iMovies for self-tehrapymake tons of gold TONS on philleascomplete philleas grey questsinstall ramclean and put away and eliminate stupid apartment shit.  etc.
I think everything feels MASSIVeLY uncomforagble — Wow, computer things, reads, mindmaps b/c I want to make money. I realized on the hike I don’t have the capacity to manipulative people to get money the way busines sor other people do.  I ALSO remembered that in every job I had had I was abused, toyed with, and treated like shit (xandu, chefs saying idiot, stupid highlighting crap, wouldnt’ let do the coffee crap, etc).  IT’s like an inability to focus like maybe could get TONS of mindenhancing things.
What do I want to do?  I don’t have access to the manipuliatve person type that can make money
I hate intereacting with peopel b/C PEOPLE:
1.  Manipulate me2.  Get me to buy things and take my money3.  Try to give me crap, toxic advice.

I am always changing and I am NOT into nlp, nor persuasion, nor ANY of that politcs crap.  that I hate.  I HATE having to decide about beds and furniture crap I HATE that ffs I hate it.

I feel VERY stressed and scared and UNCOMFORTABLE because I CANNOT and will not be in calabaas adn will die if I DO this place is REVOLTING and disgusting and toxic and it”s like impossible to focus ffs I hate this place OMG.  WOW.  I need caffeine.  I REALLY need caffeine ffs.  Astronomy, Calculus, chemistry,

August 21, 2009 — 9:14 PM

the doors really SUCK. really bad singing and lame disconnected cheesy SLOPPY music.
EWW!! No wonder things were so sloppy junior year.  The doors are a slippy band. they ahve sloppy, disheveled, sloppy. horrendous music. wild child and  runnin’ blue sounds like a song just thrown together in like 5 minutes when drunk it’s almost RETARDED. just horrendous music. lol. so disorganized and STUPID> I hate the doors. TRUE.
In contrast. STARK contrast I LOVE Douglas  adams Hichthikers gudie to tha galalxy! H2G2.

TOP 5 ThiNG SLOWING the move

Dealing with ppl to sell the stuff
Indecision on the belongings
Hatred for where I am
Fear of going outside
Not knowing where moving too.
Other hindrances and daze effects

  1. The cold feels like mono sleepiness
  2. indecision about wow chars
  3. no caffeine
  4. fear of people thinking I’m a fat idiot
  5. making BIG decisions and new territory like selling car  if decide to sel  (SOLUION: do it just like ssk and tdk hell people did on ebay)
  6. The DEcision part and the Doer part blend!! The doer tries to become decision-maker etc which discombublates ENTIRE thing.
  7. uncertaity of what should be listening to now — wow? math? physics? classical music? computer science? aus? europe? shnikeys.
    1. Uncertainty of what do with free time.
  8. having lost belief that derren brown is what I want to do, it likely isn’t
  9. having peeled off the bubble of thinking this is okay and peeled off I realize it’s incredibly not and massively toxic.
  10. exhaustion from indecision and constantly trying to make up thousands of decisions
  11. not going through hell of starting podcast products, so not talking
  12. having arrived here so abruptly (australia was planned)
  13. shocking realizatong that all the people I’ve htought were friends, were NOT! (city day, acting corps crap, wow, shit)
  14. inability to take action esp with chars like verne b/c fear of timing but i guess that’s simple.  1.  Turn on exp. level to 29. turn off exp. get help in STV tunic quest and Gnomer triprunner pants. done. cool as.  wanting more on wow etc.  maybe wow isn’t good?
  15. not having a job!
  16. not knowing how i’ll make money
  17. having no friends
  18. multitasking so many books: physics, classical music, various fiction (sherlock holmes etc), calculus, NLP, doige.
6. Decision doer
This one is HUGE. If I could go into a decision mode and spend time like in an idea bubble, making the best decisions. and then stop, break state and go into Doer mode and just do all the decisions I had 100% certianty definded on in idea buble mode, then thigns would be gravy and i would feel great
how to implet tehis?
this solves a problem UNTIL the ABC solution is acquired or 30 minutes have gone on the solution time.
if (need to make decision)
put on idea/aus hat;
solve problem;
tons of nlp tricks:
while (ABC action solved action == null || solution time <= 30 minutes);
Regarding wow.
iono if like it, makes me feel very intoicated at times sometime.
I think wow was just another illusion peeling away just like acting was CRAP FUCK!!!!   So what isn’t illusio ncrap that I can connect with? Math .  music?
hunters aren’t that bad, have hated it b/c left game for six months and then gear sucked so got mauled in pvp, but doing higher end game stuff makes me like hunter more. and compelteing quests
is wow waste of time ? or is it okay?
REALLY BIG. Everyone whom I thought wer efriends ended up NOT being friends.  TRUE!!!!!!   thinkg were friend, nnot friends.
AB: ACTINg people (they never returned calls) ; the y just used me;  WOW people (sol is  aDICK LOSER whom I HATE.  am never helps, they all blew me off when I visited wow. THey are NOT firends they’re wanker jerk offs)  latin ppl and cc people no contanct, even city day ppl no reunion not friends either.   Ihave no friends!
A¬B:Thing wewer friends, but were.   drew? nah
¬AB:  didn’t think friend, and ruly wasn’t.  speciicaly said Mom NOT a friend, and taht’s true
¬A¬B:      didnt’ think was friend, but was..  iono
apply to self:
hierarchy of criteria:
chunk down:
chunk up:
reality strategy:
as-if limiting belief 100% dissolved:
MAybe need to do pure planning mode. what to plan?
Things that need final 100% certainty decision and then 100% just Doer-mode-the-decision.
reading plan for all the books
dsciaring firuniture
boxing up stuff
computer file better synch
WHERE I SERIOUSLY FUCKED UP and made POOR decisions that resulted in pain, anguish, stress, decreaed productivity, andn increased confusion for me.
09/2000 Junior year classes.  changed eating habits so didn’t have grounded focus for school in non-travel mode. didnt’ decide on them, and then couldn’t handle decision process os bailed.
09/2002-11/2005 — college classes, couldn’t decide on any of them.
NOT deciding on science lcasses those two choice points simply fucked up my life ever sicne then resulting in this wandering amongst imbeciles in
stupid places
congregations of stupidity
toxic religious ppl etc.
SOLUTION: For any tought decision,  if( ask “Will Doing/Not doing/ Taking/Not taking, Discarding/Not disarding N thing result in pain, anguish, stress, decreaed productivity, andn increased confusion for me == “yes”)
Do !N;  / /Do NOT do that! Do the opposite (not N ie ¬N ie !N)

class and race

race might be gnome
class might be rogue or healer something
August 25, 2009 — 1:39 AM

August 25, 2009 — 1:20 AM

okay, reasons why have been MASSIVELY depressed past 2 weeks:
1.  mourning, some loss thing re jonathon vos or mad that he smoked , realized h might be loser/enemy etc b/c of smoking and drinking; that made me feel REALLY shitty. realized he might not be friend after all.     which was a jolt, alarming and upsetting and frightening because if I can’t determine friends whom can I trust?
2.  wanting different outcome from aus.
3.  getting dumped back in hell place that I had to put energy into avoiding the ill effects
4.  shoving stuff in my mouth instead of communicating out of it.
5.  anger towards my parents for putting me in this hell spot.

Wanting to MOVE TO EUROPE FFS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

math puzzle
abs(n) is max(n, -n)
max(9, 2)    is abs(if max x-y,   y-x
cool as!!! I REALLY REALLY like that math puzzle site. GREAT!
old signature
John Thomas “Kooz” Kuczmarski ———————— ———————— “Validity Inspires from Within.” Lifecoach, CPC-InProgress Validate Your Life Founder Performer & Author ———————— ———————— http://www.validatelife.com http://www.validateyourlife.com Main Blog: http://validatelife.blogspot.com Twitter: http://www.twitter.com/johnkooz Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/people/John-Kuczmarski/30001289 Myspace:http://www.myspace.com/kuczmarski Youtube: http://www.youtube.com/johntkucz ———————— ———————— “Validity Inspires from Within.”
SEnt ot Wow Radio
Have listened to turpster’s PUG, Total biscuit’s Blue Plz, and while those are exceptional, Slanik’s Vendor Trash is epic. This are talented, highly-amusing, quality broadcasters. They’re much better than any terrestrial/normal radio broadcasting I’ve heared (granted, the topic and subject/content is more intriguing than typical radio and I have favoritism to european/british radio), but objectively, these podcasts are incredible. Thanks. Very amusing, entertaining, informative, and insightful. cheers. one of my casts: http://validateyourlife.com/podcast/podcastmain/Validate_Life_Podcast/Validate_Life_Podcast.html — jtk phil
—————————————————————————————————August 25, 2009 — 1:22 PM
was in grocery line and women said it w 15 items only. i didn’t hear her so this guy said” I think she’s galking to you now. ”   that reminded me of when Jaci said “cleo’s talking to me now” when I was SEETHING and nagry and she told me about workign in hospitical or some crap.  hhmm which reminded me of the stripper nurse from surfer’s paradise near sincity.  interesting.    like cleo from the past maybe?  the biggest quesiton is why did she talk to me when I was seethign and couldnt’ handle things?   idk does it matter? not really. maybe she thought I was more geniuine with emotions then?  idk. should write a full aus journal prol
realized I want winners
winners in social sesne (hunters and co) and winners in the getting gear and content sense (defintely NOT hunters and co) I want both.  I ditched bio fam b/c they’re losers in gear slightly nd in social def.
I may be Chaotic Neutral.  yes.  2004-2007 I was def Neutral Good.
it’s strange how things that were such key points of afriendship (like maraudon tree, quickly become dangerous areas that become negative anchors keeping peopel locked into unfortunate uncertainties.
maybe hunters and co was like the family, the living out my father-shit  (showing people the end bosses, theradras like dad’s r-rated movie and theme park visits the “whammo! jurassic park showing rare, scary, or stuff that will leve us in awe or something” , website, being generous with gear (gifts), having guild lotto something like stock contest maye, tryign ot make things fun, expensive guild banks (houss etc), etc like  and doing all the writing was living out the mother-ssk-shit. so I graduated from both of those  which is terrific and now can focus on only me.
highlights of HaC, kitepractice, maraudon, vent, guild lotto, insane guild runs for lowlevels (most got annoying as fuck!!)
alignmed Chaotic Neutral.  basiclaly very self-serving.  great.
basically the south africa iads thing. matthias rath tries to get people off drugs that could save them and take phony drugs and sues people who stop him, and one guys reprot of it. meh idc i don’t car dilligaf.
more intreisting is Machine learnign AI, MRIs etc.  IREALLY DESERVER Nd want to see the results of that MRI scan for neurosceicne understand and it’s MY MY MY brain FFS FOR FUCKS SUCK bloody hell I should be able to see the results of MY OWN brain FFS i took the mri!!!  I deserve that.
computer stuff very intersr.
August 25, 2009 — 4:36 PM
RI scans can produce cross sectional images in any direction from top to bottom, side to side, or front to back. The problem with original MRI technology was that while it provides a detailed assessment of the physical appearance, water content, and many kinds of subtle derangements of structure of the brain (such as inflammation or bleeding), it fails to provide information about the metabolism of the brain (i.e. how actively it is functioning) at the time of imaging. A distinction is therefore made between “MRI imaging” and “functional MRI imaging” (fMRI), where MRI provides only structural information on the brain while fMRI yields both structural and functional data.
Psycho Mantis from emtal gear solid and Gonan from zelda made top bosses on ALL three lists.  psycho sounds coolest.  Also,  Video gmes have been, are, nd likely will be a HUGE part of my life
prince of persias
video games are VERY VERY big in life.
love the bosses that really “think out of the box” out of the very computer like AI like lol  the parrallels to real life etc.  video gmes have been an ENORMOUS escape, form of fun, entertainemtn alleviate from real life, GREAT place for strategy, tactics mostly all tacits, and math!
types of pulls
THE BIGGEST and best and most monumental realization of WoW and video games has been, after the hellish seriously firey pits of hell pain anguish distraught frustration of hollywood, comedy, rl job being told what to do, xanadu chef server crap , etc is that Life outsidfe of video games is nonexistent!! don’t settle for non-video game life.  Video games are the best things. period.  all other stuff is sloppy, painful, ridiciulous RIDICULOUSLY boring, monomtons and stupid.  RL is imprecise and vacuous. Video games are rich, mathematical, precise and actually fun (unlike real life) cool as!

THE BIGGEST and best and most monumental realization of WoW and video games has been, after the hellish seriously firey pits of hell pain anguish distraught frustration of hollywood, comedy, rl job being told what to do, xanadu chef server crap , etc is that Life outsidfe of video games is nonexistent!! don’t settle for non-video game life.  Video games are the best things. period.  all other stuff is sloppy, painful, ridiciulous RIDICULOUSLY boring, monomtons and stupid.  RL is imprecise and vacuous. Video games are rich, mathematical, precise and actually fun (unlike real life) cool as!
video games EXCITE ME.  Real life horrifies, disgusts, and causes anguish iwth me.  Video games get me charged, excited ,adn they make me feel safe.  my career easily could involve/include vide games.
ideal guild is one where I’m coleading good raids with freind(s) who also no a LOT, can share and teach wat know and also learn a lot too rad.
LOVE reading rogue PVP strategy WOW OW WOW AWESOME FUN!!
KEWL IDEA!! use Miltion model like rogue stuns cheap shots etc rad!!
Or this could be healing
Damage of Time!  (or Heal over Time)— presuppositions of….existence (something/someone exists)…..feasibility (someone has the capacity to do something)
EXAMPLE:  When you get your awesome guild going you should do naxx a few times. (presup of feasibility).
EXAMPLE presup of existence:   “Your dog is so cool”. (dog no longer exist, dog was pressupposed)
DoTs!  ( (or Heal over Time))!!! — complex equiv —    VERY dangerous and tricky
EXAMPLE:   She’s from xyzcountry so you know she isn’t very smart.
example.    Something is burning, I knew you were a bad cook.
STUNS (or like Wyvern Sting or Freezing trap)  — syntax, run-on sentence (punctuation), ambiguity AND Double Bind
Damage — Lost performative — the “according to whom” stuff where whomever made the judgement is omitted
EXAMPLE: Obviously, this is the best guild (according ot whom to what authority).
Finishing Move NO VANISH!!!! — Tag Question   — Isn’t it?   Don’t They?  Why not?  Can you not?
STuns or TRAPS (cheap shot or freezing or frost trap)  —
Ah WOW I love wow!! and mozart rocks!


The sound o alchemy potions in wow
playing wow
wow podcasts
Frozen slushy juice
CLEAN bleached apartment
AH YEs.  laptop for reserach and lookups and imac for pure entertiantwg
wow radio ppl slanick, turpster, totalbiscuit (like bret)
COMP sci stanford programming methodology!!
BRITISH accents
european WOMEN
eurepean people YES!!! TRUE
The Elites or quality players say nice wise or clever things. the non-elite low level punks say things like “you dare set foot in ravenholdt, worm” insecure-driven things.  Same is true in RL.
August 26, 2009 — 3:34 AM
Verne took on a 24 hunter Turosh
a 29 Warrior (Orexx — Blackrock)
and Wickéd — Calestraz fwith diacret pouting other way ALL one after another, boom boom boom  Isapped one took out the warror, then wiped up the hunter HOLY shinikeys that was rAD!
August 26, 2009 — 3:00 PM
Goddan g feels GREAT to not have that crap book clutter YAYA!!!! SO FREE and wow is so fun!! Yippee!! No clutter is energizing as infinite!
August 27, 2009 — 5:52 PM
experiencing a high degree of pain.
feel really angry.  i’d feel happy if
got verne best gear and did bgs and 80
phil best gear
all shit sold
moved into hardwood floor 2nd floor apt
quick inbox.
August 29, 2009 — 1:15 PM
To Leave Dath’remar??
If (leave dath’remar) to which server?
Which charactes leave dath?
Just a money-earning one?
To Thaussurian? Verne to Thaussurian? maybe!
Downsides minus $25, $50 to switch back
Where to Move to in RL
Can I get hte apartment costs?
Will it be queit and private?
wil i have acces to good clear clean exercise places?
most importantly will it feel CLEAN and good there (UNLike calab which feels stuffy and immoble and no one is a friend here).
STate of computer files?  Fair. okay. not too much to worry about.
interacting with people to sell things
selling something and then wanting to unsell it lol.
August 29, 2009 — 2:33 PM
IRISH accents and Mozart are hand in hand . They’re twirly, alive, light. They’re clear. They’re clean.
August 29, 2009 — 9:19 PM
Dear Mr. Staab,
I believe feedback of all kinds, when constructive, has value.  Therefore, I wanted to share my feedback on your CS Java 1 class I took autumn of 2002 at Colorado College.
AFter watchign an excellent, lucid, and didactic Stanford Programming Metholodogy class I confirmed my assumption that that the CS class I took at colorado college was horrendously disorganized, far too fast-paced, difficult to comprehend, and confusing.  I remember so wanting to learn the material, but having so many gaps in what was being taught, that I literally became quite nauseas and sick during the class.
My intention of this, by the way, is not to criticize your teaching.  I feel you have a brilliance in some field (maybe number theory) but I picked up an apathy towards computer science in your classes.  This was a turn-off as a student.
Additionally, the fact that all of java was just dumped on the student without ensuring they understood programming fundamentals — that is fundamentals of programming universal to every language be it C, C++, Python, Perl, Ajax, or my current interest, Mozart…was poor class design.
So, in a sense, I felt I had to deconstruct a lot of what was  “pseudo-taught” and therefore “pseudo-learned” in that class to move forward with programming.
Some factors that contributed to the sketchy, scattered, blotchy, discombobulated, pseudo-learning:
1.  lack of pre-req clarification ( maybe I needed more calculus or other computer prereqs.  This should have been scanned/screened for).
2.  Pace.  Simply far too fast.  Inherent to the block plan, yes, but still, intolerably incomprehensibly fast.
3.  Impression of apathy on the subject from the professor. Enough said. Self-explanatory.
4.  My failur to ask clarifyign questions.  But I defer this simply because asking questions on parts of which I was confused would be trying to design a building and ask about its architecture after it had been detonated.  There was simply no foundation, structure, or “concept framework’ upon which to ask questions.
5.  The IDE.  Why Why Why……..Why Why Why……….was the IDE Emacs?   I theorized about this greatly and concluded it could only be three possibilities:
1. The professor was sadistic and interestd in making things challenging and difficult and uncomfortable for the students. Which, for your sake, I will rule out.
2. The professor was interested in some kind of “old school learning how it was done back in the day” to more fully understand hte programming process by using an old ide” concept.  This at least I could understand, but was still a very poor decision beasue every bit of programming occurs in an IDE and eliminating that made the IDE-progrmaming world a bit of a jolt, and starved the student of programming fundamentals.  Not intelligent.
3.  The professor was simply negligent or indifferent to choosing a proper programmign environment.
That said, I got extremely worked up taking CS2 with janke to the point where I started crying and kind of had a breakdown of sorts when he was trying to explain something of linked lists and had to drop the class.  This was due to, again, a combination of the above, with the fast pace, wanting to learn and teach the material greatly.
In contrast, the professor in the Stanford Programming Methodology class was excited about the subject material (indubitably the most important aspect to a good class), and read if students were confused and then remedied it in the teaching process.
However, math, after much “exploration” in an enormous variety of fields (much of which I consider an absolute waste of time except for the understanding that exploration academically is merely a waste of time) has been a field to which I gravitate greatly (along with natural sciences) and find most rewarding and lucid, so it would have boded better for me had the two failure math classes I took at Colorado College not been so unstomachable, discombobulating, and poorly designed.
I heard you were engaged in number theory.  That seems interesting.  Congrats with that.
Sincerely a former Student,
John Kuczmarski
August 30, 2009 — 1:19 PM
VERY Interesting but painful experience in worlds of warcraft the other day.  This was juxtaposed but not caused by some awesome comp sci which I really did like. After doing some AWESOME nad very rewarding computer science learning WOW I LOVED that computer science…SO awesome!! Very very cool i cant’ wait to learn more!!
So what happened on wow…a lot of things exemplary of patterns that I’d seen and experencine in past namely:
  1. Me being ALIGNED AND CLEAR (JUST like after running that one time and went to go do yoga and ssk and tdk harassed me and yelled at me when I had closed the door to stretch) and people being jealous, envious, and hateful of my clear, highly intelligent, aligned state.
    1. Some idiot as a result of that jeaousy and envy and hatred toward my intelligence started a flaming, insulting , chat anger battle thing to try to make me angry which he partially succeded
  2. Amellite discussed how did five horus of farming per day. and made lots of gold w/e which I nterpretted as toxic and stupid b/c he drinks during it.  maybe was tiny bit jealous  TRUE  but not relaly. did the wow impressed thign which si bs
    1. Realized I had to search for things I liked in wow.
    2. Realized all the younger people were a great nuisance they insulted and did babytalk insults crap
    3. The older people in the game were more peaceful.
    4. Do I really care about wow gold? Isn’t it just blizzard’s
    5. Is amellite an enemy?
    6. Trauma smegg didn’t sound like an enemy, but he smoked.
  3. This was  a huge pattern b/c
    1. ONE.  People were like tryign to coach me and ask what erroneous meant and try to DIGRESS and DISTRACT and DELAY me from computer science into wow or lawyer or othe rcrap that I’m not doing.
    2. Why did amellite leave so frequently???  I don’t trust amellite.
    3. TWO.  How long have people tried to anger you with the intention of distracting me from the pursuit and connection with something I sincerely like…MATH comptuers.
      1. How long have my parents done that.  Isn’t that the reason why I delayd learning computer science for soooooooooo long?
      2. How do the wow insulters who get angry when I’m aligned differ from my parents who get angry when I’m aligned in the realm aligned with professions.
    4. How much of Biking, Running and most all exercise was venting and trying to “purge” the anger that people sparked in me (which was their intention), and that anger that they sparked was somethign they wanted to conjure to make me delayed and distracted from computers b/c that is something that puts me above them.  B/c many people are not convinced that they can do computers etc.
Where are people that I can trust?  do they exisst?  Likely not.  IF not, where are people that I can interact with that don’t bring pain.
The people on wow last night brought pain.
That’s a great question to ask.  if  (Does the current situation and/or people bring pain?  )    leave the people and /ignore.
OKay so Limiting beliefs.
I UNDERSTAND WHY These people berate me; it’s because THEY have an inferiority complex to my mind.  THEY feel inferior and thus insult themselves around me because of my clear, aligned, intelligent mind.  TRUE!!!!
this is highly complex but simple ine a way.  Dumb bully sees persn with advanced mind. dumb bully does not have advanced mind.  Dumb bully tries to verbally or physically injure person wiht advanced mind because of jealous of that.
Celebirtydom and hollywood are even MORE of acult understanding this inferiority complex bully thing!! YES!!
THIS IS A HUGE REalization that I realized very easily applies to most “so-called celebriteis’ the so-called celebrities were once very peaceful, clear, aligned and anbomrlaly highly intelligent peopel but then the inferriority complex bully massses tried to berate them to out of jealousy.  one (poor) solution was to channel that anger that hte bullies created and flaunt it as acting in a sense…which was, hihgly sutpid becasue it increased (interaction with the bullies b/c tons of people invading their space and time) what the smart people should have decreased.  ITNERESTING.
All of the tattoos teh clothes the vacuous people are b/c the clebrities were really smart people who had a Gift but that gift was stolen from them by the inferioirty complex bullies via disracting them with fame, making them angry etc.
DAMNIT I shoulds saved box of stupid magazine crap not to read but to confirm those convictions true as.  Wel I know its’t rue we/
So all celebriteis are smart aligned people lured by inferiority complex bulies into “stardumb” where their acting is merely anger.
look at brad pitt. He’s SMARt and sensitive.  the bullies made him think that “fame” was what he wanted and that his discomfort was “hotness”.  He’s an architect AND very smart.  I am a computer scientist AND Very smart.  Most all other so-called celebs (except maybe angelina jolie lol) additionally are smart, people suckeered and exploited into the cult of the inferiority compelx bullies into achieveing artifice and hollow goal of “fame”.  So for me, this simply explains why I hate fame.  FAME is the trap used by inferiority complex status quo bullies to distract, digress, and delay people from doign teh intelligent things they have the capacity do with their mind.  The distraction method they use is bullying and anger cultivation. the solution out of this is to not engage the bullies (engagin and interacting with them is losing they must never be trusted) so upon identifying a busy, call them such (in oen way ore anotehr and then /ignore).
See the billiant people (of which I am one) feed the bullies with “mental money” in  sense.  the bullies get me angry and then that causes all my mental learnign to pour otut
Do I want to be focusing on this?
Woudln’t it be best to havea great view, be doing computer science?
I LOVE computer science.  I do not want taht to change. I’ll need to move my desk.
Examples of Inferiority Complex bullies:
ssk and tdk  DEFINITE
jsk at times
sometimes ciganek
CC people
post-tim fuller’s class
most all cc professors
AMERICANS definitely
the iraq war person from saddle ranc EPITOMIZED inferiority complex bully. YES!
all students and teachers at ACting corps EXCEPT sean dougherty.  DEFINITE (Well actually, they were just money stealing con people more than ICBs)
all the ccds peopel who framed me as spacey.
WOW there’s TONS of inferiority complex bullies!!!
Were ari and scott bullies?
Is Ari unlik amellite?
Sleeping/runnign thing
idk peaceful just does what want isntead of worrying so much about image i guess idk.
How can I prevent this?
How can I learn comp scie. and aligning math and then play fun games too but cleave all inferoirity complex bullies?  i.e. only interact with fun valuable people?  good question.
First define fun valuable people.  who are there?  Is Amellite?  maybe sometimes, sometiems he feels like a blizzard conspiracy person to make me feel deluded
maybe I should do something for 5 hours a day. yeah I DO.    limiting beliefs is like gathering yeah11 hELL YA!!    I used ot think biking was…but meh  dont’ think so much more.
EUROPE seems incredible. I LOVE Looks of europe an women. TRUE!!
What drew me to wow?
What allured me to like amellite? is he manipulateive?  stupid?
we’re similar in some ways sorta.  idk.
Will Other servers still feel toxic like dath’remar?
Does dath’remar feel incredibly toxic?  YES.
There’s very few neutral-uplifitng people, but as a whole. Dath is VERY toxic. TRUE.
Should scout out other servers.
are you getting the wow experience you want?
warding off insulting inferioty complex bullies (ICBs) ICBs
Her’es an interesting formula for dealing with the ICBs

if (detect ICBs) {
use miltion model; //confuse them just like verne stunlocks yaya

or just /ignore

that’s what milton model is for, it’s like the saps.
I care about rogues.  I like rogues.
INFERIORITY COMPLEX BULLIES spark agner and I entrench more into instead of leaving
When people do the trying to spark anger because jealous of my aligned, clear, intelligent state of mind, i entrench more into the crap that they deliver and insult back which makes me more lip-twitchy and angry.
AB: YES I did this ALL the time growing up with my parents ssk, tdk when they berated otu of inferiority complex  AT cc I MASSIVELY did this.  The anger marathon running was definitely a reaction to hte inferiority complex bullies
A¬B: entrench anger but do leave.hhmmm has to be some. YES at ross jeffires they tried toprovoke a fight and I just didn’t same thing at the sidebar, thatguy stuck in kitchen wanted to fight and I didn’t because that’s where I lose and thye win.  deosnt’ matter if I “win/lose” the fight, fighting with an inferoity complex bully is losing because it’s already dulling my razorsharp mind.  fuller was  bully but I ddint entrench in anger IN LONDON prob b/c felt surroudned by so many intelligent fun aligned clear people. TRUE!  I love europeans.  Europan women are SOO hot. the hottest.  and people their seem so rich and quality all wow radio that I like is european. Do I hate america and australia?  young countries? could be.  definitely more concentratio nof infority ocmpelx bullies in america.  less so in aus but bWay less os ine eruo
¬AB:  no bullies but entrench in anger hhmmm i guess times iwth residual bully anger.
¬A¬B:  no bullies no entracne anger YES doing math.  doing clarity.
apply to self:  Doesn’t entrenching yourself in anger lead u to becomign an inferiroty complex bully yourself?? hhmm I think so
intention:  I think my intention is to “show off” my chat insulting skills (which is pretty inferiorioty complex so the above is true) or to defend image or appear lke I stand up for myself but in reality NOT interacting with any and all inferiority complex bullies is defending myself the best way possible!  Wow should not be this thing where you
consequence: is I end up 1) focusing hours and DAYS on the inferiotiyt complex people (what they want) which distracts me from the fUn WAY more valuable compute rscience!!  other consequences physiological (lip-twitchiness, anger, stress).  Fele like mind gets infected.  difficulty re-experiencing focss towars GOOD talented things like AComputer science YAY!!  ANOTHE HUGE consrequence is I become deluded into thinking the inferiority complex bullies’ COMMENTS are menaingful (when they’re rubbish)  and try to apply tehm to life.  Like….some idoits said were you born with a dick in your brain?  I then try to figure that out like a puzzle if it measn anythign and it DOES NOT.  Teh ONLY thing it means is that I’m being dimwitted believing that an inferiotio ycomplex bully could ever say something valuable!!  Discard most everything that poeple say TRUE!!
hierarchy of criteria:  isn’t it more important to avoid trying to have fun if you run the risk of running into inferioti ycompelx bullies? pssosible
chunk down:    people who evaulate themsleves as infurit because of my staet of enjoyment mentally with something with math and computer   science  try to destory that state of enjoyent and then I further destory it which is what they want
chunk of:      distroted people feel trheatened by more clarity and try to steal or discombobulate my clarity.
reality strategy:  operatesfrom reality that clarity can be digressed and detoured and delayed
what would it be like if this was `100% dissolved:  if I had some kind of Auto-perimiter defense that detected inferiotyt complex bullies and auto ignored them… then…WOW.  I would feel MASSIVELY sAFE.
feel nervous that I influecne the HaC people a LOT  liek when I was on Rockefeller other peopel went to low-level alts.
MAil Messages I don’t like responding to them because I feel like I know before-hand they’ll have intoxicating effect.
AB:  most wow messages (from sol and from tandril for example)  aLL /nois people true. of course all spam. EXcelelnt CLEAR TRUE!
apply to self:
hierarchy of criteria:
chunk down:
chunk of:
reality strategy:
what would this problem look ike if 100% dissolved:
get apartmetn to move into
contacting email and/or voice apartmetn tenant
application or talking
paying first few months of rent
move out of apartment
elimiatng trash fro mbelongings
disposing trash
putting belongings in boxs
dissasembling furnite belongs
putting furnite belongs and boxes in car
schedule walkthrough
goodbye hell-hole money-stealers calab
move into new apartment
setting up internet
setting up all mail there
setting up elec
SETTING UP water, gas, heat
August 31, 2009 — 2:13 PM
what i’d like to do today
Move verne to FRostmourne
disassemble furniture
do Karel 1 problem atleast
FINISH some READS that hadn’t finsihed
Carl Sagan balogna
Cosmos article
NLP envisonment
  1. Sofa
    1. SELL
  2. NightSTand
    1. Discard
    2. Dissasemble
    3. Trnasport
  3. Spools of threda thigns
    1. Discard
  4. 4 Crates
    1. TRansport
  5. Vacuum
    1. Transport
  6. Printer
    1. TRansport
  7. Computer
    1. Transport
  8. DEsk
    1. Dissassemble
  9. Bed Frame
    1. Dissasemble
    2. Discard
  10. Mattress
    1. TRansport
  11. Glass Table
    1. Sell
  12. Chair 1
    1. Dissasemble
  13. Chair 2
    1. Sell
    2. Dissassemble
    3. Discard
  14. Computer Chair
    1. TRansport
  15. Shelves
    1. Transport
  16. Silverware
    1. Sold
    2. Some transported
  17. Cups
    1. Sold
    2. Some TRansported
  18. Stuff in Cubboards
    1. Most TRansported
  19. Bike
    1. Sold
    2. Dissassembled
    3. Transported
  20. Surfboards Flyer
    1. Sold
  21. Surfboard Longboard
    1. Sold
    2. Transported
    3. Stored
  22. Stackable Chairs
    1. Discard 2
    2. Transport 3
Prepping apartment
  1. Glass doors back on closets
  2. bleach and scrubbed
Pretend my move-out day is the TENTH.  GREAT.
August 31, 2009 — 2:31 PM
fraudulent charges prob

08-13-2009 OD PROTECTION TF FEE $ 10.00

08-19-2009 DEBIT PURCHASE Aug 15 06:12 0345
$ 17.99

08-21-2009 DEBIT PURCHASE Aug 18 16:55 0345
UPPER BRANCH 323-51200
$ 6.54

#####—September 3, 2009—
onw eNNROMous thing I just realized is that SOO many people want fame and to be the rising smiling STAR!! I don’t want that atall. I seriously dont’! I don’t want that. What do I think of those people? That they’re naive!!
All of this CRAP about “next STar”! next youtube star. Next rising star. I have ZERO itnerest in that. I actually haven an AVERSION to that “stardom” / fame etc. why?
it’s a waste of time
it’s dealing with CRAPPY stupid people
it’s denial of self
it’s confusion MASSIVE confusion
it’s defining ur identity based on people’s reactiosn which is DANGEROUS and recipe for confufsion and pain and ZERO locus of control
it’s stupid
for insecurit people YES!!
FINITO!!!————-i yay

Feeling VERY overhwlemled. tring to get endstate of

MAterial Belongings

The Wow Realm Shift   — Tahussauran can make HEAPS of gold.  totally.  with enchanting so put phil on there?

Verne forstmouren but verne so many indecisons
Which Heirlooms?
I’ll get him some good oens and not worry about lcothes ye
getting him all the enchants he needs before transferring which is +12 agi back, +agi to weps etc, 2 mongoose etc.

Fibonacci program pseudo code

public class fibo{
public void run{
currentNum = 0;

int prevNum = 0;
int currentNum = 1;
int nextNum = currentNum + prevNum;

int usrMax = readInt(“How high do you want the fibonacci sequence to go?  Enter maximal number: “);

println (prevNum);

for (i=0; i<=usrMax; i++) {
println (nextNum);
prevNum = currentNum;
curentNum = nextNum;


Dawkins pwned that dangerous and disillusioned hostile american brainwasher freak. LOL he appeals to cudgel like all the obtuse americans do. That preacher guy is responsible for polluting so many minds. Did u see how furious he looked? What a pathetic american loser. Dawkins made him look ridiculous though. goo.d
YEP I H8 America.
That colorado springs church is cult worshipping center.  It’s horrendously cognitively dangerous.  And it’s minion leader is a hostile buffoon!  Ironically it embodies what america stands for.  I hate america more than ever.  it’s neanderthal, obtuse, appealing to the cudgel hostility is very unsafe for the wolrd and even less safe for anyone in the heinous country of fallacy and doom.

In England, people are patient, actually secure in their mind and when they’re ridiucled and if some stupidity is revealed, they just admit to it and laugh and move on.

Well now the fear-driven american distorted belief ideology that hovers around Colorado springs like a vile and putrid plague of disillusionment is solidified in certainty.  I realize now why the community and the police buffoons so heinously and inhumanly violated my basic rights when they gave me a ticket and sued me for getting hit while on a bike, by car; They are enemies.  In every sense of the word, colorado€kl springs residents are enemies!  The general commune of colorado springs propogates everything I loathe: delusional ideas, religious ideas that betray the veracity of science, dangerous hostility and propagation. Wow.  I cannot believe I survived that prison where people are imprisoned from clarity in a bubble of disillusioned piety.  No wonder I biked and ran with such anger there;  1.  I was in America, 2.  I was in a highly religious community, 3.  I was surrounded by neanderthal obtuse mountebanks.  I have an interest in seeking vengeance or atleast devotign a considerable amount of time to ridiculing and humiliating the religious americans after I am safely relocated outside enemy territory (outside of the united states of foul fallacious flaming shit).

word. all religious people are equally culpable for such fallacious, dangerous, hostile, and destructive disiillusioned beliefs.

Safety in america is like expecting cleanliness in a dirtied outhouse.

I can’t believe that fucking dangerous douche bag attempted to quasi-legitimate 9/11?? That’s criminal and revolting. It’s unacceptable that so many people can go wandering around spreading these mind diseases that seriously cripple clear thinking! Damn americans. Damn religious mountebanks. And Damn the people for allowing such hallucinations to perpetuate. Religion doesn’t prevent theft; police and law prevent that. Religion doesn’t prevent anything accept clear, lucid thinking. Religion prevents peace. Religious people can never experience peace because of the constant pressure of the “fires of hell” or the mind-controlling 5 prayers a day of Islam. Every element of religion not only impedes clarity, but it perpetuates evil. It does!! Religion sparks venom in people because it causes people to 1)accept falsities without proof and then 2)to become offended when anyone ridicules those falsisties. THAT is the recipe of religion. And coincidentally that is also recipe for MASSIVE confrontation, war, bloodshed. Religion is evil.  And American (and apparently Colorado within America as well) is the throbbing epicenter of this evil.  The malign, true deeply seeded evil that religion perpetuates, breeds, creates, and solidifies. is revolting and dangerous.

Every aspect of colorado College and Colorado Springs; namely anguish and infuriation there, has become so clear.  All the infuriating and accusational denver bus trips were full of brainwashed mountebanks.  Additionally, my indifference to the 2000, 2004, and 2008 elections is remarkably clear to me now….I loathe america and have no interest in america!   Seeing the New Life brainwashing cult center with the hostile, dangerous, disillusioned mountebank leading the cultworship pronounced how fearful we should be of bible-belt america and most all of america anyways.
Therefore, that is fact.  And I must take serious actions to extract myself from the war zone enemy territory of america.  If this involves selling all furnitire and car and moving to another continent, so be it.  But I must leave this dangerous country.  My fear for americans and for going outside is clear as well.  These people are enemies!
Totally agreed. And it is a worthy fight. Religious people pollute minds and brainwash. Hitchens and dawkins are teh good guys. And people who aren’t aware of this fight are likely already subjugated to delusional religious brainwashing. I haven’t read Great yet, but have read Watchmaker, Eden, God Delusion, & Chaplin (4 of dawkins books).

What this battle is about is about mental infections.  Christianity is an infestation of disillusioned, clouded, obfuscated mind fallacies.  I feel empowered and re-aligned and centered to what is goign on my life being awayre of this.   And it’s awakening more and more not just to the cult of family and religion, but to the cult of america.   Religion perpetuates fear and it’s appeal to the cudgel and force is horrendously abused.  It discourages free choice.  Religion is a heinous, mental and psychological abuse.

Oh my goodness, Colorado is the heart, the pulsating epicenter of these brainwashing cult behavior people.  I cannot believe I went to school (and was “schooled” by the buffoon, idiotic, mountebanks), disillusioned idiotic freakshow that is colorado and america.

I must remember as well, that biological parents are simply a subset of the brainwashed, hostile, pugnacious disillusioned mountebank americans.  What does that mean?  It means your mind is not safe in america and the best thing to do is to get out.  I’ve been hooking up to a British “IV” line of clarity vis-a-vis dawkins, hitchens, BBC, derren brown, and douglas adams, and even roald dahl in youth.  Britain has definitely kept me clear and peaceful while growing up in this obtusely barbaric and heinously disillusioned country of america.  America is a country of enemies.
Drama, politics, and psychological branwashign are the weapons utilized by americans and religion to inculcated it’s brain infections.  The Hell Theatre in colorado springs where a preacher literally rehreases plays to horrify people aged 12 and up with the horrors of hell is atrotious and abominable.  This psychological abuse utilizes drama to provoke fear and is an extended variation of appealing to the cudgel.  The subtelty of this brainwashing technique is easily overlooked but it infects minds and brainwashes people into discarding the validity of science like no tomorrow.  The people in colorado springs — the hostile religions freaks — are not just mad and psychotic but they are enemies! America is not just a little “loony” and can be laughed at.  No.  America is heinously offensive in its disillusioned obfuscations.  “The Scriptures” are the complete absence of reality.
In every sense of the word, Dawkins, and other scientific, intelligent atheists are the upswing, the ascension form anguish and disillusionment nad reading their work elevates the quality of my life (and anyone who choses to read such non-fiction).
I truly and deeply like and value british people just as much as a and as with as much passion as I loathe, hate, and vitriolically dislike american people.  British people are nice, kind, incredibly intelligent and most importantly, I don’t have to worry about image.  I dont’ have to act tough nor cool.  With  british people I can use my mind just naturally and gently.  Whereas in america I have to always use my mind for defense and must waste enormous amounts of energy and time into warding off and being very defensive and hard-skinned.  British people I respect and have an interest in being respected by them!  I almost, in contrast, would feel more at peace if americans DISLIKED me!  I seek the respect of british people in a sense, but more importantly I value their thoughts and their clarity and their company!  I don’t have friends in america because I’ve wanted to push away americans.  Befriending an american is slowing lowering yourself onto a knife.  It’s toxic!   Befriedning british people is harmonious and good and advancing my mental clarity and life!   GOOD Wahoo!
British people value wisdom a bit and knowledge and politeness and intelligence.  You can be thoughtful and nice and even comfortable and enjoy life and even feel a bit pampered if you want and it’s all good in britain.  In america, I go out of my way to be uncomfortable,but really naturally amuncomfortabl, and look “hardened” because then I hope americans may leave me alone.   And it’s simply this, in america  i constantly worry because when surrounded by predators and/or enemies, you worry!  I try to be whitered and hardened to protect myself from the toxic americans.  In britain you want to and feel SAFE connecting with people intellectually, mentally.  While connecting wiht americans mental feels like a mind virus, connecting with british feels uplifting, clarifying, VALIDATING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
American people relish in icy insults and and humiliating people.  British people are nice, warm and much more intelligent.  British are so intelligent that they don’t need to waste their time proving their intelligence and can just enjoy their mind and company of other intelligent british!
Jesus christ is toxic fiction.  Truly.
I don’t know when americans became so brainwashed, lost, and hostile.  Probably ahd to do with the origins of america.  Around 1770, America originated by a severing from Britain. In cleaving itself form the clear, rational and logical Britain, American swung to the other extreme: hostile, deluded, and brainwashed.  America is simply nothing other than a complete fail country.  Britain is proper and right and intelligent and knows what’s going on.
the more educated people are atheists.  I am more educated than james kuczmarski.  And he’s VERY educated, so I am extremely incredibly educated.
In addition to running and exercising less, I  hide and worry in America simply because of this:  There are predators here.  Where they’re predators, there’s reason to worry!  I ran so frequently in aus because simply less predators!
Some religious loser said “atheists are follower’s of dawkins?”. that’s the beauty of atheism, we aren’t brainless, braindead, brainwashed FOLLOWERS like religious, deluded scum like yourself. We actually think for ourselves and have (something of whic the religious neanderthals are not familiar) cognitive liberation. Cheers to your lost mind. I’m enjoying not believing in 1)a talking snake and 2)a fairy in the sky, and 3) I enjoy believing and knowing through concrete evidence that I’ve evolved through a complex, intricate, and quite beautiful scientifically calculative process, Darwinian evoltuion. booya. pwnd.
Religious people never ask the question “what if I’m wrong”.  Scientific people have hte COURAGE to ask that.  I have asked that.  I have read books such as the Quoran, the Bible, a Case for Christ even.  I’ve explored the possibility of my being wrong quite thoroughly.  Iv’e been very open to that for many many many years.  And guess what.  I am not wrong.  Atheists are right; I am right;  and it’s primarily because theyve had the courage and self-honesty and humility to further their understanding of the veracity of atheism and boldly tarnish and ridicule the utter putrid fallacy of religion that has made atheism so right.  Atheism proves its existence.  Religion, appeals to the cudgel to conceal its non-existence.  TRUE.  Reread that 3 times.  It underlies the veracity of atheism and the inherent fallacy of religion.
Religious preachers actually LITERALLY say things like “give me the child and in seven years, you’ll have the man.”  Do you understand what that is?  That’s admitting to infantile brainwashing and mutilating and exploitation of children.  That’s what religion does.  It’s a heinous criminal offense to even commence theorizing that genital mutiliation and/or stoning or any of the other grotesquely perverse, dangerous. and foul religious practices are “acceptable”.  They are not acceptable; they are deadly, perverse, and people who believe in religiou indirectly encourage such inhuman destruction and are therefore enemies to the greatest degree.  Atheists are the good guys.,
September 8, 2009 — 5:05 PM

It’s shocking, giving the DIRECT resemblances to the Matrix, how little neuromancer was mentioned in the Matrix hype.  As far as I say, Neuromancer pwns the Matrix trilogy.  Is superbly more original, vivid, and crips nad the matrix merely carbon-copied Gibson’s story!!!

Overlaps to the matrix.

Mycotoxic (being plugged in)

Molly   — Trinity

Armitage — Mopheus (gets him out of the matrix/ out of the mycotoxin).

Julie — Oracle (both old as,  both have treats, cookies and ginger)

lmao! yeah I do write heaps.

re laptop, still undecided, likely wont’ bring though.  I like having access to my documents though..

hhmm well if you’re going to be in shcool, i’ll probbaly psend a few days in sydney, train up to brissy roughly 27 or so get their 27-29ish, try to meet up with you and am.  Wouldn’t it be SICK if all three of us could meet up? lmoa.

ah so you have 2 siblings too.  I’m the oldest, youre the youngest, nice.  I hae 2 younger bros, but sometimes they seem older lol. sis in bris, where’s bro boing?

LOL head explode lol.  Yikes, sounds like emotional stuff too lol!!!!!!  I’d recommend writing, and exercise, flushing things out lol.

yikes. re flu  well someitmes doing stuff you woudln’t do while sick (I recommend running or exercise xD but emails is okay) srsly helps your mind

also re christianity and religion. What was it like for you when you got in touch with god or jesus?

I am very cautious to discuss/debate religion with people because they usually have questioning it “out of boudns” lol.  Anyways, I respect your seriousness of it.  kk

I understand how you feel strongly about that.  Atheism has been something I’ve just discovered on my own.  I read the bible (have you read it?) and frankly it offers no explanation for how the world works/started (that’s all chem, bio, physics, ) and I frankly have a bit of a hard time taking anyone seriously who actually believes the stories in the bible (like adama and eve genesis etc) as anything but just fantasay fictional stories.

I also have a HUGE problem with childhood indoctrination of religion.

Finally, i was born into christianty, did communion, was baptized all that was raised, and met a lot of christians and i seriously gave it a chacne and studied it massively.  It took me WAY too long to realize that I was MASSIVeLY incredibly wasting my time.  My mind was occupied wit h”spirituality” and “god” and other fictions that don’t exist when meanwhile I was missing out on all this AMAZING science and amazing physics and chem and truthfully how things work.

the way i see it is,  How did we land on the moon? physics.  If we all kept reading the same biblical literature could we have landed on the moonn? developed planes? learn about our anatomY?  There’s 206 bones in human body.  I learned that from science. Religion doesn’t provide that.

I seriously respect your difference in view.  and I totally respect you for having those differences, there’s just no moral value nor explanatory value from the bible and it makes people servile, so I was like wait…this is a MASSIVE distraciton and waste of my time, why mingle iwth it? lol

book of numbers moses ordered the massacre of all boy children and non-virgins to be killed; moses is a heinous role model lol.  all the brainwashing with the appeal to fear of the “fiery pits of hel” (which i, trust me, have had christians screaming at me in costa rica) is just highly toxic imho.  I have millions of other reasons like forefathers being atheist, how christians make up 75% of american prison populations, etc. but all that ASIDE, ultimately science makes me happier, more successful and more fulfilled; I feel safe with science.  I do not with religion.

Hwoever, that said, i totally respect your difference in opinions for sure.

I’m all science.  Science is clarity and freedom. For ME (not everyone) science provides massive clarity, freedom ,success, understanding, peace.  Understanding how things work.  all I read these days are science books and travel books (for visualization travel).  Occasional classic fiction (like british authors doyle, stevenson, etc) is great too.

There’s just too much valuable stuff in neuroscience nad physics for ME to learn to increase the clarity, success, and joy of my life to focus on much else (except occasional wow xD).  I’ve studied nearly every subject in college from accounting to english to religion to drama to philosophy, and science/precision is me lol.

anyways what books do you read?  Cheers hos.  I’m realizing more nad more and more what am said, we’re all different! 😀

Anyways, ur awesome hossy, ttyl, hopefully things willclick so can meet up in Aus with you and/or am.  I likely won’t have cell phone (unless I get one when i’m there, so after the 23rd all communication will likely be FB or email in internet cafe or something lol) cool as.


September 9, 2009 — 10:54 PM
FEel VERY anguished and pained.  The journaling and excessive calendars feels retarded.  The calabasas apartment makes me feel pain. it makes me twitchy, furious , angered, it has me locked inside.  I loathe it.  I LOATHE calabasas.  I am not supposed to be here.  It feels like colorado college in that I am not supposed to be here.  I have anger and want vengeance upon ssk and tdk for making me stay in this penetentary penal colony.  I don’t care of that sounds spoiled or stupid.  I want incredible vengeance upon both parents for corrupting and polluting my life.  Providing NOTHING that I wanted and everything that I didn’t want; everything that wasted my life and time.  So now I have to find out where to go.  Which is scary.  I feel twitchy and massively overwhelmed.  I have been eating horrendous amounts of chocolote out of this anger and nervousness from 1) knowing that I must leave here and 2) not knowing where to go.  My parents are the greatest enemies possible because when they know that I loathe a place (like calabasas) they let me stay there.  But when they know that I like a place like sb, they give demands and ultimatums to get me out.  They’ve devoted their life to making me feel uncomfortable, so I will devote a small portion of my future life into hurting them . Emotionally, physically, professionally — in anyway possible.  They’ve deliberately bullied me.  My biological parents take what I want and deprive me of it.  They’ve done this for so long that i’ve had to conceal what I want and like from myself and them.  I need to focus on ways to seek vengeance upon them.  I just can’t wait until my parents are dead, I am out of america, and I am financailly independent.
I can’t kill them because you can’t get away with that.  I know they’ve tarnished my reptuation, so I will disparage theirs with vitriole.  And then people can judge my intelligence and clarity and then make their own judgements on the validity of my comments.
I feel pain massively on a regular basis here in this disgusting hell hole of calabasas.  I am leaving very soon.  In two weeks :0.  So I must secure a destination place!! This is very serious!   I am extremely worried.  EXTREMELY worried because I don’t have australia nor european places secured.  I have a canadian place that might be possible and I’ll have to jump through hoops of rent and people as well.
I remember showing the calabasas place to mom like it was some campus I was showing off.
I just want to have financial security from my OWN earning.  I can’t believe I’ve been deprived of that.  It’s revolting; that’s my greatest source of pain in life.  That I have been deprived of earning money.  Acts my parents are culpable for:
  1. Neglecting my anguish at colorado college for three years
  2. Depriving of what I want and forcing me to do what I do not like
    1. Calabasas
    2. Colorado College
    3. School
    4. running
  3. Discouraging financial endeavors
    1. Gumball
  4. Forcing me to be a clone of them and brainwashing me to follow in  their values-based leadership bullshit crap.
    1. Encouraging my stupid Validate Your Life book.
    2. encouraging stupid crap.
    3. Discouraging and frowning upon me deviating from their beliefs
    4. Throwing fits when I said our beliefs are massively different
    5. Forcing me to go back to Latin when I wanted ot stay at LPHS
    6. Forcing me to do the rlt when I wanted to do the beauty of math camp.
  5. For neglecting my interests
  6. For imposing their brainwashing upon me since I was born
I’ve devoted enough time to scrutinizing my past and viewing journals and home videos to “figure out some epiphany of my life”.  I’ve done that probably more than 99% of most people in the world.  TRUthfully.  There is no epiphany other than, my life has been hell and I have done everything right and someone (many people actually) need to pay.  Certain specific people need to suffer and experience torture; people like ssk, tdk, dean, gale Murray, all the cops who gave me tickets,  most all of colorado springs, most teachers that I disliked at colorado college.
It’s clear my parents are very very veyr bad people.  Very bad people, mainly because of the way they conceal their brainwashing and manipulation.
I am desperate for some kind of friendship but I think I must stop clinging to that.  Biology textbooks and chemistry textbooks should be my friends along with money and health and european, asian, australian travle are my friends.  I want those 3 places and those 3 things (money, bio and cham textbooks, and health) to be my only friends.  I think that ordering things, products solves things but it does not.
Some good forms of punishment for my parents:
Suing them in court (too much exposure.  they could afford better lawyers. likely wouldn’t win).
Hack their sites (already done and they’d just fix it).
Privately criticize them to people (best way at the moment.
Becoming happy and successful and disparaging them especially after I gain respect of others (hhmm very nice).
Brainwash THEM via some kind of milton erickson mind-phuck crap maybe.
The hiding that occurs from my parents and from californians PROVE that they are all liars, cheats, predators, scoundrels, and enemies.
I HAVE to look at being in california and interacting with parents as NOTHIGN OTHER THAN enemy territory.  ENEMY territory.  Californians are ENEMIES in every sense of the word.  What do you do in enemy territory?  You do exactly whta I’ve done.  You go out only at night, you try to be in stealth. You get a massive guard dog.  You avoid talking to people. You overly plan out everything you do so that people won’t manipulate you.
Wow has taught me a lot.  Namely how to truly insult and viciously criticize people.  Actually quite a valuable skill if you ever need to seriously put someone down shut them out and burn a bridge.
I need a drink.
The day time is massive pain and anguish.  I can’t stand the daytime here because:
  1. It’s full of americans which are predators and enemies.
  2. IT’s hot and over-heated.
  3. It brings MASSIVE panic.  TRULY. Massive panic  because I want to be out doing things.  If people weren’t around I’d have cats and dog and wake up at sunset and explore trails and the wilderness and be he healthy and be asleep at sundown.
    1. When people are around women delude me to think that I am staying in shape for them when I AM NOT.  I loathe women and if I had the biological option to not be sexually attracted to anyone I would.  Everything brings me pain.  I stay in great shape  because it makes my life aligned and more clear.
I hid in THICK vegetation when I ran away at age 12.  I was hiding from enemies.  True enemies.  hiding for my life.  TRUE!  My parents conceal their viciousness and spend many a time doing so.  Fortunately they each keep each other from doing seriously dangerous things but they’ve severely corrupted and crippled my life thus far.   Iv’e been trying to leave them for over 12 eyars!!
The only solution here is to leave.  Preferably a place with trustworthy people.  I crave studying.  Latin REALLY fucked me up
So how can I move forward?  I could respond to boards and comments nad villify tdk and ssk that would be GREAT.
I want to read nad connect with the VERY smart authors like dawkins and pinker and orwell’s bio and so many books but I can’t connect with them.  I just wish it could be night time all the time.  I would feel so relaxed and clear.  What about it during the day makes me so stressed twitchy OVERWHELMEd, uncomfortable MAXIMALLY.
MAyhbe it’s because at night you can pretend your anywhere because no one is out. During the day, you’re forced ot experience the local people shit.
I would like to feel peace during the day for once.  I have not felt that for a very long time.  I did in Aus though.  I always want to say wow.  lawl.
I cam capable of buying a ticket to london heathrow via expedia for cheap if it’s 1 month in advance.
I am capable of booking nad living out of hostels.
I am capable of physically lifting nad moving furniture out of the apartment.
It’s the tenth.  Passepartout, bonjour.  We must be clearing out the apartment.  This means selling as much and ditching as much and storing as much as possible just get the shit out of this godforsaken apartment.
1.  Call MCA.  I’m trying to better understand the moving out process with the waklthrough.  I gave a person at hte desk a signed letter of intent that I will not be renewing my lease and will be moving out the end of september.  I need to schedule a wakthrough but need ot understand the policy with that.  For exmaple, trying to understand if I can stay in the apartment for nights after the walkthrough or if the walkthrough indicates the last time I will be in the apartment.  Meaning that after the walkthrough I’m obligated to hand over the keys.  Is it possible to do a walkthrough and hand over the keys 4 days later, for example.  Trying to correlate those plans.
2.  Get the stuff out of the apartment.  The objects that might give you trouble
Sofa — must be sold
Bed — simply carry it out to trash
Bike — a lot of reluctance here passepartout.
Read the Army survival guide and from the survival kit (with the tin and mathces and blacnket etc) it was like what was going on.  In america, it is enemy territory and I’ve been tyring to reconnect with friendly forces.  Reading about that is fascinating wow.   judging weather based on cloud types,  hiding in enemy territory, proper way to reconnected with friendly (british, european, possibly maybe ausralian) forces, deadly snakes, edible plansts!!! YEAY  was ridiculous when said hammerhead sharks attacekd people. WRONG. interestin about stalking and sneaking.  Hiding places, contingency plans. intereesint.  types of injuries, blast injuries, thermal injuries, radiation injuries lol.  amazing how neurotoxins in war weapons snd the man-made disastaers are just like hemotoxins (cripplign circulatiory system) an neurotoxics (crippling nervous system thus breathing) of venomous snakes.  kind of related to rogue blade poisnosn with stalking too.
Want to check out
prtotuen man of war
Tolkien Bree Chapter
neurotoxics and hemotoxins
biological agents are scary as
I’ve been stranded in enemy terrioty!!!!!! readiong about singnalling procedsures like hands up pick us up,  laying down need medical assinate
after the hollywood car locok out I iced my leg like a first aid wound fro enemy!! YES  at night the planes over head was like waiting for pickup extracting from american terrritoy , eem yterritoy!

Backstroke. This stroke is also an excellent relief stroke. It relieves the muscles that you use for

other strokes. Use it if an underwater explosion is likely.


If there are several felled trees

around for comparison, look at the stumps. Growth is more vigorous on the side toward the equator and

the tree growth rings will be more widely spaced. On the other hand, the tree growth rings will be closer

together on the side toward the poles.

i’ve loved england my entire life.jkjkj


Letter to lindy

My delay in responding was two-fold:  1)I wanted to have a good response because 2) I think you’re very wise and thus want to ensure I respond in a “non-wierdo” ( lol. something I may have already violated 😉 ) way and in way that acknowledges my respect.
Maybe the visit to australia — in addition to meeting so many australians, and irish people and frenchies and the wow friend — was just to “cosmically” meet you ;).  I consider your insights and ideas incredibly valuable and accurate and insightful and uplifting.
My goodness, i’m trying to sound respectful but this almost borderlines a spam message! bollocks.   If you hadn’t noticed, I’m pretty formal and proper almost like I’m from the 19th century (with the exception of my occasional LOLs).   I get this way around people I respect, so consider it nothing other than a peculiar and idiosyncratic compliment.  btw I’m writing this way b/c I know with you creative writing experience you’re one of the few people who can undoubtedly comprehend this.  I enjoy utilizing a full vocabulary.
Of the women I’ve felt a strong conncetion with, there’s been two categories:  only a physical lust-ful attraction which upon lasting longer than a month is painfully ridiuculous and a waste of time and an intellectual-emotional-wisdom interaction that is deeply valuable upon which lasting longer than a month is incredibly uplifting and valuable.  Leaving sexual attraction out of the picture entirely, I defnitely consider you of the latter category.
One thing I can’t stand is how many (mostly american) men get “competitive” when it comes to courtship.  If two people enjoy each other’s company, there’s nothing competitive nor problematic about it!
Woke up not hungover.  O tried verne julesvern now and was disgusted by alliance and or wow people in general.  Why work hard on a toon when alliance fails in the battlegrounds?  arena will be fun and worthwhile.     Wow = pain now.  most things in life = pain irght now.  may start working out again just because have nothing else to do.  I hate america but am afraid.  feel very afraid of where to go.  iono about aus.  i Know aus is better than usa, and uk better than usa and maybe aus.
i get this twitchy stressed, frightned PANICKED feeing after doing peaceful reading.  I wish i could just read but i get panicked and think that exercise is only way to alleviate the panicked feeling.
—————————————————————————————————Scottish nd Irealand videos on YOUTUBE.  YES.  Quality. salvaation from pain of america.  Must bombard my mind with thigns I WANT.  so watch and listen to tons of scottish and irish stuff yayayaya!
Californians are delicate, fragile, stupid, dimwitted, disgustingly superficial looosas.   I don’t like australia but I LOATHE america.  Actually aus was solid good quality.  I think Scotland and ireland is the epitome of cool though.
Okay, possible plans of actions that May work.
  1. Sell EVERYTHING currently own (minus clothes).
  2. BUY  17″ Laptop.
  3. Get AUS Work Visa and RENT apartment in Sydney.
  4. Live in AUS.
  5. Visit Ireland and Scotland from living in Aus.
  6. OR ffs replace ireland, UK with aus.
I love the music, I love the soccer.  Love the green pastures.   Love the bold quality people with massive history.   Good keep this up.  Love the green pastures.  i really like the dance irish thing.  i like the proximity to france

Psychologically virtual worlds can help players become more familiar and comfortable with actions they may in real-life feel reluctant or embarassed. For example, in World of Warcraft, /dance is the emote for a dance move which a player in the virtual world can “emote” quite simply. And a familiarization with said or similar “emotes” or social skills (such as, encouragement, gratitude, problem-solving, and even kissing) in the virtual world via avatar can make the assimilation to similar forms of expression, socialization, interaction in real life smooth. Interaction with humans through avatars in the virtual world has potential to seriously expand the mechanics of one’s interaction with real-life interactions.



lmao! yeah I do write heaps.

re laptop, still undecided, likely wont’ bring though.  I like having access to my documents though..

hhmm well if you’re going to be in shcool, i’ll probbaly psend a few days in sydney, train up to brissy roughly 27 or so get their 27-29ish, try to meet up with you and am.  Wouldn’t it be SICK if all three of us could meet up? lmoa.

ah so you have 2 siblings too.  I’m the oldest, youre the youngest, nice.  I hae 2 younger bros, but sometimes they seem older lol. sis in bris, where’s bro boing?

LOL head explode lol.  Yikes, sounds like emotional stuff too lol!!!!!!  I’d recommend writing, and exercise, flushing things out lol.

yikes. re flu  well someitmes doing stuff you woudln’t do while sick (I recommend running or exercise xD but emails is okay) srsly helps your mind

also re christianity and religion. What was it like for you when you got in touch with god or jesus?

I am very cautious to discuss/debate religion with people because they usually have questioning it “out of boudns” lol.  Anyways, I respect your seriousness of it.  kk

I understand how you feel strongly about that.  Atheism has been something I’ve just discovered on my own.  I read the bible (have you read it?) and frankly it offers no explanation for how the world works/started (that’s all chem, bio, physics, ) and I frankly have a bit of a hard time taking anyone seriously who actually believes the stories in the bible (like adama and eve genesis etc) as anything but just fantasay fictional stories.

I also have a HUGE problem with childhood indoctrination of religion.

Finally, i was born into christianty, did communion, was baptized all that was raised, and met a lot of christians and i seriously gave it a chacne and studied it massively.  It took me WAY too long to realize that I was MASSIVeLY incredibly wasting my time.  My mind was occupied wit h”spirituality” and “god” and other fictions that don’t exist when meanwhile I was missing out on all this AMAZING science and amazing physics and chem and truthfully how things work.

the way i see it is,  How did we land on the moon? physics.  If we all kept reading the same biblical literature could we have landed on the moonn? developed planes? learn about our anatomY?  There’s 206 bones in human body.  I learned that from science. Religion doesn’t provide that.

I seriously respect your difference in view.  and I totally respect you for having those differences, there’s just no moral value nor explanatory value from the bible and it makes people servile, so I was like wait…this is a MASSIVE distraciton and waste of my time, why mingle iwth it? lol

book of numbers moses ordered the massacre of all boy children and non-virgins to be killed; moses is a heinous role model lol.  all the brainwashing with the appeal to fear of the “fiery pits of hel” (which i, trust me, have had christians screaming at me in costa rica) is just highly toxic imho.  I have millions of other reasons like forefathers being atheist, how christians make up 75% of american prison populations, etc. but all that ASIDE, ultimately science makes me happier, more successful and more fulfilled; I feel safe with science.  I do not with religion.

Hwoever, that said, i totally respect your difference in opinions for sure.

I’m all science.  Science is clarity and freedom. For ME (not everyone) science provides massive clarity, freedom ,success, understanding, peace.  Understanding how things work.  all I read these days are science books and travel books (for visualization travel).  Occasional classic fiction (like british authors doyle, stevenson, etc) is great too.

There’s just too much valuable stuff in neuroscience nad physics for ME to learn to increase the clarity, success, and joy of my life to focus on much else (except occasional wow xD).  I’ve studied nearly every subject in college from accounting to english to religion to drama to philosophy, and science/precision is me lol.

anyways what books do you read?  Cheers hos.  I’m realizing more nad more and more what am said, we’re all different! 😀

Anyways, ur awesome hossy, ttyl, hopefully things willclick so can meet up in Aus with you and/or am.  I likely won’t have cell phone (unless I get one when i’m there, so after the 23rd all communication will likely be FB or email in internet cafe or something lol) cool as.


what the hell did they do in the hospital?/

That night I was crying nonstop…spitting…etc.  Can you walk me through that?  I typically remember like Massive details of my life, but some elements of that strange night are hazy.  Thanks, mate.

The Value of Provocability is essential to Deterrence

“initial niceness and subsequent forgivingness or retaliation” as recipe for stable relationsihp.  Very cool.

America espouses freedom and acts as if it’s one of the most free countries.  However, I found it one of the most condeming.  England was very polished, sophisticated, and liberating.  America exercise law enforcement in such a way that it’s almost like mind control, thought police.  America is an incredibly dangerous place for “free thought”, which doesn’t exist in america.  You want to think something freely, you must do so in secret, in America.  America is infested by christian cult members prosetylizing and making your dumber by the second.  Christopher Hitchens so brilliantly points out that “religion is a poison”.  Oklahoma, Kansas, Texas are very frightening places.  They’re full of rednecks who actually believe “god made the ground”.  America (and rightfully so, it deserves it) gets laughed at when you travel.  I’m disgusted with the reputation of being an American.

Great Magazines for Atheism

Free Inquiry

In response to a number religious (criticizing) and atheist (applauding) comments to my arguments I just wanted to express my gratitude for the multitude of these responses: they have all either bolstered, encouraged, affirmed, and/or fueled my direct and deliberate repudiation of religion and advanced my trust, reliance, and belief in atheism and science!

America is a very obtuse, belligerant, and bullying nation.  The Bush Campaign (early on) specifically used words like “Crusade” in regards to their war on “Terror”.  The best image of America is a very low-!Q, very big behemoth bully weilding a spiked bat that cannot see clearly and frequently blabs and screams commands.  It’s just frankly a horrible place.  You cannot thrive in America.  You cannot thrive in an environment that’s focused on manufacturing the fallacious image of being an “all-loving, free speech inducing, killing of evil”.  In america, as Christopher Hitchens brilliantly pointed out, any dim-witted brute can respond to your argument with the two words “That’s offensive!” and expect you to actually believe that those two words constitute an argument, they do not.  Me hurting your feelings does not constitute an argument.   While someone may take joy in the schaedenfreude of offending someone we mustn’t commit the logical fallacy of appealing ot emotions.  And that’s frequently what the three cults do: the three cults appeal to emotions, and this is a logical fallacy.

Logical Fallacies

Religion, most notoriously Christianity, infamously frequently appeals to emotion, specifically to the cudgel and to fear.  “If you don’t follow xyz rule, you’ll burn in hell!” That is deliberate appeal to the cudgel and to fear.  That is not an argument and is frankly bordering abuse.   Here’s what one of the greatest authors American literature says on the subject of the Bible:

It is full of interest. It has noble poetry in it; and some clever fables; and some blood-drenched history; and some good morals; and a wealth of obscenity; and upwards of a thousand lies.

– Letters from the Earth

I especially relish in this one: “I am quite sure now that often, very often, in matters concerning religion and politics a man’s reasoning powers are not above the monkey’s.

– Mark Twain in Eruption”

Ah…brilliant induction Mr. Clemens.


Frankly this is just getting a little old in life.  I have a bachelor’s degree, I’m insanely intelligent, and I live in a shithole apartment out of my dad’s pocket and have made like no money in my life.  I’ve tried to make money and it always results in failure.  I guess I’m just simply not interested in money.

I have to acknowledge all of hollywood for what it is…a disgustingly massive cult infestation with all people in it cult members or leaders and the whole situation is incredibly toxic!

Worse of all the cult members demand that you look at them and seek attention to show off their oppulent…well pieces of crap wooden boxes.

Even worse the cult members devote their time and their lives to making YOU feel inadequate so that you yearn to “be like them” and have the things they have…which is death to freedom.

Britain and Australia are safe places because of the naturalness.

Evidence that My Parents have isolated and excommunicated me from their family

Barely any pictures painted of me around the house (compared to James and Thomas); few pictures of me.

Counter: I wasn’t as good artist.

Counter: You should still post of paintings out of respect.

Plan all family trips with the four of them, without even asking me if I’d want to be involved

Counter: I haven’t wanted to in the past, so they don’t bother to ask.

You should still do that out of respect.

They’ve never arranged for family therapy, but twice for me to be psychologically evaluated. They’re evading and concealing their involvement by making me the problem.

I’m convinced that Susan brainwashed Tom to make him think that teaming up with me would be evil.

Proof: he

Psychologists I’ve seen, trained with, and had dialogues with (8) and their diagnoses of me

1999.  John Cooper (10-20 hours) – no disorder

2001.  Katherine Sane (10-20 hours) – no disorder

2001.  Irene Kokatay (5-10 hours)– depressed, no disorder

2001.  Tanze – (1-2 hours) profoundly psychotic, no disorder

2002-3.Bill Dove – (20-30 hours) acute anxiety, no disorder

2004.  Hal Kopeikin – (1-2 hours) no disorder

2005.  Social Worker at Iowa Hospital — schizophrenia

2007   William Ciganek (15-20 hours) – bipolar

Disorder Accusations — People with Authority, prestige, and/or psychological expertise accusing me of having a disorder (13)

Let’s play “What disorder does John have?” So far I’ve been diagnosed or “thought to have” bipolar disorder, anxiety disorder, acute anxiety disorder, autism, asperger’s syndrome, schizophrenia, panic attacks, post-traumatic stress syndrome, psychosis, depression, ADD/ADHD, narcissism.

Can you add to the list?;)

Irene Kokatay – depressed

Drew – thought I had anxiety

Megan – asked if there was something up with me (hange-uppe)

Tanze – profoundly psychotic

Ciganek – bipolar

Dove – acute anxiety

Murray – learning disability

Binh – panic attack

Laura Hearn – asked if there was something up with me, bipolar, narcissism

Iowa shrink – schizophrenic

Kevin psychic – autistic

Ssk – bipolar, schizophrenia

Tdk – bipolar, schizophrenia

Jsk – bipolar, schizophrenia

The real deal? There’s no reliability. I’m as clear and as clean as a whistle. All diagnoses are defense mechanisms – ego defense mechanisms for whomever said that.

Won’t Make it With Acting

Kimberly Senior – You won’t be successful. You aren’t brad pitt.

Lindblade — Musical

John Dodd – Texas Shakespeare

People outside hyde – It won’t happen.

Beth – discouraged acting

Good thing These people were RIGHT I hate acting!

Will have Success with Acting

Ms. Hardegan

Random woman at Chateau Marmont.

The very severe problem is I still feel like I can’t be free, say or do what I want becaus of finances.  God how much longer am I going to be locked and bound into a financial bit of bullshit? 



September 12, 2009 — 2:00 AM
Post-run Clarity
NOTES ON cOMPOSERS!! (AR in classical music mindmap)
Because of its complexity, likely very easy to get lost in Brahms’ work without a guide.  May think are in one part but it’s just this modified, new version, reinstallation of a previous theme with variations.  It’s very interconnected, cool, mathematical-like, computational loop-like!! I love Brahms 4 sytmphony at least and love how meticulous, self-critical and precise he was to produce VERY polished symphonies.  Most all other composers I like (Beethoven and Mozart) have very polished symphonies but have them for different reasons.  Mozart was a genius and could just flush out a composition of brilliance and complexity at ease.  Beethoven was going deaf and thus wrote with a kind of anguished passion that created precision.  Brahms was just extremely self-critical, meticiulous, and rigorous of himself in his composition.  All three EXCELLENT composers.    Debussy’s Dialogue avec La Vent et La Mer is excellent, too.
Aslo a ton of video games popped up after running.  If I held the belief (which I do not) that what emerges “is meant to be” bleh meh barf!! Then I ‘d have to play all those.  I do not have ot.  I may.  idk but I’m glad I deliberately listened to Johannes Brahms instead as that felt enlightening and great. Jolly good.
I always get a bit panicked after the running high wears down.  pancikeked about what tod iwht time I guess.
Temporarily felt as though I was threatened, my music sophisticated interest thing was sthreated not by hollywood videos becuase I KILLED those YAAY. but by video games.  I still do play video games and quite like the looks of some video games like assassins creed 2 and uncharted 2 (naught dog is great).    But wouln’t I benefit more from studying classical composers.  they’re harder to enjoy but their enjoyment is I feel definitely MUCH more enduring true.  Video games are quick to enjoy but less end sometiems much less enduring enjoyment sometiems. interesting.  good stuff!

I gotta figure out verne stuff . meh.  I need people to run him on quests ffs.  so annoying to get great gear ya.     the 29 bracket VERNE WAS AGAME.  hte 39 bracket seems SO feeble and lame dang.  cna’t wait till good gear.  and this new server is VERY meh if the mongoose’s don’t sell .  it’s just cool when all is good and I realizzed the boa gear is wAY overrated when trying to twink level etc.
September 12, 2009 — 3:30 AM
All I read, listen to, and watch is uk, british or european-based stuff. I loathe america. Europe is all I care about. I have zero tolerance for wasting my life out of europe. EVERYTHING is in europe. All the most advanced electronic games, all the composers great ones were from europe, everything I’m interested in for entertainment is european. Europeans are more polite, more sophisticated and more intelligent than most all other places (esp. america). I’d be more peaceful, feel stronger, more intelligent, and more focused in europe. Because of all those congruencies and symmetries, professionaly I’d have and experience MUCH MUCH MUCH more success. it makes sense, you get into a place that you like and respect amongst PEOPLE whom you like and respect (europeans) and things will be inevitably more ausipicous. True.

September 12, 2009 — 3:49 AM
DISCOVERED PARKOUR. LOOKS Sooooooooooooo RAd. Agility, Gymnatisc, alacrity, intelligence, obstacle overcoming,  Running RAD RAD RAD!!!!!!   French terminology. bRiLLIANt.
It’s agility. ALL my favorite video games.  prince of persia all the games are like free running and parkour.  The French terminolgy is brilliant. this is an intelligent discipline.  It requires TREMENDOUS finesse.  It’s fun, it requires massive planning and problem solving.  This would be GREAT something to train for.  Training “for women” is REALLY gay, retarded, and falalcious (because you’ll end up a pissed angry stupid person).  Training for parkour would be excellent and great.  I REALLY like this because of the mental and physical discipline (present in things like jeet kun do) BUT also it’s non combative and all about physical and mental personal development.  It’s non-competitive which is briliatn and I love the french language directly infused iwth parkour.  I REALLY like that.  awesome.  Awesome on so many levels — physically, linguistically, intellectually.  brilliant aND it’s (of course) big in uk and europe. this is awesome.  This is an inspiration to train.  I’ve had a lot of training for it with all my swimming, my marathons, my biking, my martial arts, my surfing…yeah.
This aligned with and congruent with the following pre-existing interests:
French language
Agility class
mental and physical discipline
GENUINE (not bullshit tony robbings) personal development
overcoming obstacles
Spatial Awareness
looking at urban terrain not as place to be cuibcle rat, but as a playground.
closest thing to video game as rl
Thus it is VERY moving forward.
Thus begins the LONG List of European (namely british) HEROS.  Note: These are just heroes in general, they just all happen to be eurowinners:
  1. Bear Gryllz
  2. David Tennant
  3. Dr. Who in general
  4. BBC in gernal
  5. Tony Blair
  6. Richard Dawkins
  7. Christopher Hitchens
  8. Roald Dahl
  9. Douglas Adams
  10. Sir Arthur Conan Doyle (Scottish)
  11. Derren Brown
  12. Bram Stoker (Irish)
  13. Zeppelin
  14. Rolling STones
  15. Servant
September 12, 2009 — 4:54 PM
Quick Analysis of AUS
What happened at jonathon vos’s house?
1.  I remember (and I supress this memory) feel attacked and that he was very hostile in the billiards room.  I remember wanting to leave that night because i felt like he was trying to start a fight.  This caused 2 things:
1.  I felt betrayed and socked in the gut emotionally because here was this presumed friend I had traveled 11,000 miles to meet and see and he was acting hostile and aggressive toward me.
2.  I didn’t know how to politely take exit.  I felt miserable ther eand would have been happier leaving but I am so poor with departures.  that’s something upon which I wasnt to seriously improve. GOOD depaarture skills are INVALUABLE!!!!!!!!!!!!
So what about that home life was so uncomfrotable??
the controlling mom
the lack of freedom. I felt bound to whatever they did.
it was weird they didn’t even have dinner really.
it was too much like my biofam which was a horrendously toxicfeeling.
the old woman was a lot like beah.
I felt like an intruder or not wanted of sorts.
I started eating food and I remember being quite angry that last night in west end doing that ANGRY run.  I remember the women looking at me all in awe and I remember I hated those women and wanted to bash their face in because they were ALL a trap.  I remember chowing the fallalef burrito thing in anger.   So I was very angry because of the 1,2 above but also because of leaving aus prob.
I would like to understand why I had enureiss so that I can understand HOW to stop having it when travel.  I never have it when rooted/burrowed in a place.
I would like to be able to instantly became hypnotized, absorbed, and entranced by the book worled JUST like I was when drinking.  I loved that and would love to be able to go into that mode without drinking.
I wnat to comfortably, smoothly, and stressfree, GET A NEW DAMN APARTMENT (hopefully in other country) and move out the damn furntirue by the 20th.  FFS.  I don’t want to stay stressed about this!
Using  acombination of time-line therapy, I realized that Latin was just 2 (three if you count year I went back but you shouldnt cout nthat) years of my life.  CC was just 3 years.  bio fam was just 16 really and I can se the beginning and ending of those segments. relatively they were VERY small chunks of my life and in no way determine my future.  I have no connections with Latin school crap!! just like I have no connections with cc crap! YAY.  Far out.  I can actually enjoy my life and my life is NOT defined by the pain of schools.  BRILLIANT.  WOW I love seeing those time periods as small, definied MODULAR chunks of time  I think rereading fellowship fo the ring (which I DSTINCTLY read freshman year) helped with hat EXACTLY excellent it’s liberating me from the latin chunk JOLLY GOOD YYAY!!  I am liberated from the family chunk too AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!
September 13, 2009 — 12:09 AM
What prspective could I have to nullify the toxic bio-farm
look at htem as wow players and me as a boss.  i hate them because they do so much damge so that generates agro…okay. BUT I also design the game and I specifically block them out of hte encounter and make me inaccessible.  BRILLIANT!
got inner voice saying . this time will shape the course of my life… so I’m doing a bit of timeline nlp therapy strategy.
my future is very undefined.   colorless etc.
trying to envison my timeline with biotoxicparents (BTPs) dead.  it seems much greater.
NEGATIVE past memoreis BLOCK your future.  I believe that and KNOW that because I have no future and have plenty of negative past memories.  So I must extract the negative past memories to create positive future. HARD WORK.
I TRULY know that reading GREAT memory books like Tolkein (QUALITY and ENTERTAINNING books) truly brings forward incredible good new memories.  over-writing all the crap ones.  your life is a place for memory-creation.  Therefore, toxic memories cripple not just the moment, but hte future as well.  Avoid them, negate them, dissolve and eradicate them at all costs.  Get in the habit of experiencing so many uplifting memories that a neutral memory is the rare exception.  How to do that?
I must say I feel a bit frigthened.
The belongings I have DO shape my future because if I had no other belongings other than what I brought, i’d have stayed in aus longer.  When in the apartment even less is best!! And when out of apeartmetn less is unquestionaby best!
So I will discard the coffee table and the chest of drawers nd the shelves yes.
iF i put the clothes in storage, I will still have to decide what to do with them later, but maybe time will tell that the surfaboar
the chest of drawers, coffee table, and shelves are useless unused and in NO WAY shape my life. therefore they’re vendor trash.  incredible waste of space and time.
The sofa also does NOT shape my life at all. I’d love to discard it.
Bike, surfboards may have impact on life.  bike shapes life b/c differen kind of exercise and thus diff kind of build kind of more taknk biold which I DO NOT WANt.  surfing is agility which is cool but they’re clunky.
As my suits.     (can provide professional look but I HATE and do not and WILL NOT go to bars.  I LOATHE bars, so at most I need 1-2 suits srsly).
as may pet gear.  pet’s are a responsibility and if you have them they can take up time but also provide some joy (henry was pain but got me out frequent)
car.  shapes life because it’s transportation, id’ travle less without public tans without car
what would be craziest. Sell discared EVERYTHIGN except two clothes bags and get new phone and new laptop.
This is kind of defining what I’m interested in.  I don’t have much interest in biking.
surfing is tied in with parkour so it’s a more acceptable interest.
computers yes essential for news, fun, entertainment, communicatin, connectivity, ideas et.c
I’mS SO angry at this point putting THIS much thought into ALL this junk.  SERIOUSLY.  Acquiring somethign is a BIG thing from now on.  I MUST MUST MSUT go through the process of where will this thing go?  will have to lug it around?  shouldn’t all books be audio or pdf digital ONLY?!! YES!!!!! All books should be audio or pdf digital now yes.
if (considering buying something) {
ask_self(“Where will I put this item when I’m using it?”) ; // e.g. video game will it go in game binder?  book will it go in book box?   if pdf whichi folder whre it go int?
ask_self (“Where will this item go AFTER I am done using it?”);  // will definitely sell it?  Will re-use it ever?  etc
Answering those questions ensures that what you get will not quickly turn into useless clutter that clutters not just your physical space, but your MIND.
THIS IS SO important.  You have to comfortably and logically see the life-cycle of what you’re about to buy.
If you eve see it getting “snagged and getting stuck ever”, you shouldn’t buy it.  Why buy something that brings toxic pain?  Do not!
What I like about LINDY
She’s HOT
Like Arwen from tolikien
I might love her.
I MUST get the furntiute and belonging thing resolved now.  Otherwise I’ll get an apartment and 6 months later I’ll have to resolve it THEN.  so I must resolve it. yes.
This is a problem because I’m having problems seeing into the future and planning things.  I live constantly IN-Time.  that’s fine but I want access to through time too.  booking the aus flight was def thhrough time yea.
This is CHOICE and QUALITY and UPLIFTING that I’m seeing latin and CC not as something I need to scrutinize for the rest of my life but as a FINITE, DSTINCT and ISOLATED era of my life JUST like BIOFAM is isolated YES.  And that I can begone with them and focus on creating good memores AND this coincidicdes wiht reading tolkien yeS EXCELLENT BRILLIANT.
What about settling down??? I haven’t done that in sooo long.  i can’t settle down in america that is true.  Britain I could. aus I potentially could.  Where would be the most uplifting place?  UK likely.
What will I LIKELY NEVER give up.
READING and learning.  And the crispness of somethign absoltuely true like evolutioanry biology and math.
Clasisc FICTION is INCREDIBle. IF I hand’t fully eliminated hollywood BS i wouldn’t be advancing my life rereading tolkein now YES TRUE!! jOY!! I will reread tolkein many a times likely AWESOME XD
Things Iam GLAD are in the past and done
Colorado College
Maybe all my websites
What’s in the future?
FICTION classics like tolkien
a bit of aus
being outside and freedom
Eating heartily
Classical music
RIGHT now 4 types of hindrances to mobility freedom
Clunky anti-mobile belongs (furniture, surfboards, excessclothes, etc.)
Binding Commitments (imprisons your time) like classes
Lack of money
Lack of transportation
Therefore 4 Modus Operandi of Mobility Freedom
  1. Mobile, small, portable belongings
  2. Open Schedule
  3. Presence of Currency
  4. Presence of Transportation methods (public or private)
For example i
I fear I may not be able to sort out the clothes, the surfboard, bike, and computers, being pinioned by them forever as well as the kitchen stuff etc.
AB:  fear not sorting out and getting pinioned yes came back from aus and oculdnt’ figure it. Must have place to go to.
A¬B:  fear not sorting things out but wasn’t pinioned.  tempriarly in chic and aus I guess I just kind of sprang for it
¬AB:  note feared pinonsed but was. YES at cc had VERY little but had class oglibations and no car and no money.  So transpraotion method, NO binding ocmmitmetns (like clases) and Money KEY in ADDITION to not having BURDEN WEIGHTS to fmobioilgty freedom.
¬A¬B:  no fear no belognigns and not pinioned…hhmmm IDK if have ever felt that!
apply to self:  isn’t fearing eliminating clutter a destructive belief that clutters and sludgifies your mind?  Wouldn’t i be healthier and maybe have conected with lindy MORE because I would’ve been freer to say goodbye to jonathon after one day?  YES quite likely!! Eliminating clutter makes your connections better because I’ll have littler tolerance for toxic or neural or TRAPS and connect with and make efforts to stay connectd wtih uplifting people!  btrits
intention:  inteinon of that is if I want to randomly bike or ranomly surf or randomly put something in a drawer, then i’ll have the “materials for it’ but meanfhiwle those materials that I havent’ used in 2 years some clutter everything!!  I hauled that piece of shit bike aroudn in care coamd FFS.
consequence:  Consequence is moving is an nemormous headache and I linger around toxic peopel and things longer because I don’t get rid of toxic perosnal belognisn TRUE!
hierarchy of criteria:  isn’t it more imp what would take to get rid os oemti if it weraked and created massive disarray and dirtiness.  if it was 100% broken and non-sellable and I never used it.  if I felt that using it was dangerous for my health.
chunk down:  have relicate to move cetain atoms to trash area.
chunk of:  inability to let go and to look at my life as “phases” yeah did surfing and biking phase. that’s over. I’m into europe and travel and wholistic health with fiction classics, math, evo bio, and atheism now!
reality strategy:  operates from reality taht old thigns can get reused (IDEAS yes, belongisn not really. where has this happend?) true.
what would this problem look ike if 100% dissolved:  My thinking would be stress-free. I’d feel very liberated.
ADVICe: Learn the art of saying good-bye happily to unused material belongings.  A happy goodbye because this means that more room for things, people, ideas, and practices I love will have more space in my life.  Eliminating clutter unclogs your life so that you can focus on quality stuff that’s valuable.
Med Cruise
Geom math, trig, precision good tiems
Classical Music
EUROPE, Aus, Ireland, JAPAN!
evo bio
Me smiling
Surv Nature, botany maybe
would I ever WANT to not have mobility freedom?  Like would I ever WANT to have something like a surfboard or a bike that keeps me stuck more in one place or that makes travel with all beongsings a hindrance?
At this point in life I cannot forsee that not happpening.  I always value mobility.    But comfort in apartmetn with monitor and computer is VERY valuable as well.
Watching Pain 80 days
business (shmoozing. obsessed iwth money)
games, gaming
video games
math, science, bio. atheism, evo, botany
Classical music
slight performance
I feel GREAT after the teimliene therapy. that’s HARD SCARY but EFFFECTIVE work. rocking.
The wealthy person who knows nothign of science, mth, and atheism is worse than the impoversished
ENORMOUS Realization that has LIBERATING Magnitude.
Psychology is a crock of shit — Feynman said that!
NLP Timelines are GREAT, but ALL DSM, all traditional psychology (ptsd, anxiety, depression etc) IS A CROCK OF SHIT.
THE FLAWS in american society are grossly pronnoucned and brilliantly pronounced by palin when he points out the strip-club infedibelity stuff,, the obesity,   the superficiality,  the preaching-like culture shit. OMG.
ya I don’t want new york.
Dear Passepartout,
Bonjour! Time is pressed indeed for my departure from america. there are many undecided variables such as the destination, details of traveling with the belongings, disposing of non-portable belongings, and ensuring that my destination and transportation there is inexpensive.  First let’s start with the belongings.  Suits, for a start, are an ENORMOUS encumbrance.  I would like occasional experiences to wear suits, but even if/when those arise, I wouldn’t want to decide between so many!  So what I would like to do is travel with one suit, 2 ties, 1 vest, and 2 collared shirts for my “informal garb” at MOST.  however deciding that one suit will be VERY problematic and frankly I don’t know which one I like hte best so I am thoroughly stumped on that one.  I may end up bringing all of them, bollocks, what a travel encumbrance hauling all that around.
The bike, with much heartfelt consideration, I think I will sell.  Simple as that.
The surfboards, while incredibly fun, I simply don’t use enough to be encumbered by.
To discuss with lifecoach
timelines permanenlty leaving TOXIC biofam
Eliminatng personal belonging JUNK
Moving to other country.
8th grade retreated into movie world because of stress and anxiety of “new beginning anxity of highschool”…okay………..hat “new beginning” was a lot of chicks liked me and had to adapt to teachers.  if I would’ve know n that’s what I should’ve been nervous about I could hae prepare for that how?  by just folowing emoitons nad neglecting gossip.  Kara bachman is clean, playful good.  was.  but gossp labeled her as slutty.  neglect gossip.   it’s almost always wrong.
okay so NOW I am NERVous as ALL hell about not knowing where I am going to live!
do the same, dont’ listen to gossip!  maybe cities are like women .   don’t listen to the gossip of cairns (they said was lame etc. bleh).
The hell of the belonging shit makes me weant to die.  But then if I sell the car and have to get a new one later the hell of THAT shit is hellish .  thigns are not deseribl thigns wiht bleogns eem slow cumbersome hellish anguishing painful
maybe living in iwlserness migth beoo
September 14, 2009 — 7:20 PM
I like solving things myself but I’ve done Mindmaps Dissolving limiting beliefs Soem terrific timeline therapy (which was amazingly energizing) dozens of other things and I’m still nervous about selling car because bluntly, if I need to acquire a car, it’s quite a bitch to do so. but The entire reason I flew back from aus was to eliminate junk and move out of the apartment, so I’m definitely feeling bound to my junk and it’s drowning/keeping me locked in a dangerous place in a sense. The most problematic items (I think because of their potential financial value) or that I used them quite a lot are Bike 2 surfboards car dad’s inheritted suits old clothes that are in great quality but that I rarely wear  I can’t seem to get rid of/sell those items but I haven’t used the bike in over 2 years. I’ve only used 1 surfboard once. I guess the suits and clothes I could potentially use if/when I get to a place that’s more professional…. I’m moving out of the country so eliminating those things “Guilt-free” (meaning with no regrets nor qualms) is vitally important. I’ve seriously wracked my brain about this. Packing up the 7 suits (all of which I’ve worn probably only a couple dozen times at most in total) in suitcases, unpacking them, changing the hangers, trying to decide if I should keep 1 or 2….tried selling furniture multiple times on ebay. The bike has a big market and will be easy to sell but (i’m still in good shape) if I decide to start biking again, I’d want the bike. But This is like trying to unravel why I got into biking in the first palce and realizign it may have been “just a phase”??? I don’t know. Same goes for surfing. Those things were VERY important activities in my life maybe 3-4 years ago (that’s all I did practically) but now, it’s just not that much of an interest and that I find disturbing . So meanwhile I’m stuck with the remnants of this kind of “old” shell of an activity and am stumped on what to do with the remains in a sense primarily because I’m not sure if surfing and/or biking are things I have retired for swimming and running and soccer etc. Biking was very cheesy with the repairs and it was Horrendous for posture, made me nervous, horrendous for my nerves. Running and swimming and parkour are MUCH better for the body in terms of agility. I don’t think I liked biking but I did hundreds and hundreds of miles biking and for many many years…that’s astounding. :confused: bollocks….

The car i could easily eliminate if I KNEW had it mapped out and setup that I was living for 1+years in xyz country.

I’ve read books on this (it’s all too much GTD etc).

Eliminating clutter (even if that clutter is almost all the furniture you own) massively changes your life.  You think differently.  If I had no belongings in the states, I would have even mroe smoothly, instantly, and even more easily “moved in” so to speak when visiting aus.  You find things that you previously owned or find/devise easier ways to asccess them for free.

I wish I could make a program that would calculate everything and despite the peculiarity of the outcome decision, ALWAYS produce the best decision.  That would be so liberating, uplifting, relaxing, and rid me of anxiety forever likely.  Because then all I would have to do is input the data into the computer program and then execute the results.

Surfboards and Bike :
  1. SELL — optimal, if sold for great price b/c if wanted another could just get one.
  2. Store @ 130 —  possible would be like “donation’ but it would be too dangerous to go back to retrieve it if needed to sell or use it so this one os actually not very plausible.
  3. Store @ Storage  — okay in terms of accessibility, the only problem is that it would leave more clutter in the states which is exactly what I want ot eliminate, so while better than teh 130 alternative, this one is undesirable because it “sprawls me out” which isn’t good.
  4. DISCARD —   Very unlikely because i could get ATLEAST $500 maybe $1000 for all three of those
  5. Travel with if stay in continent  —  this would be perfectly fine if I knew I’d USE the items, but I do not know that and do not foresee that.
  6. Considerations, this could have bene VERY unpleasant outlets for music and music may be somethig that I want to do and keeping the bike and surfboards prevents me from committing/connectign with musci

Sofa, shelves, drawers, nightstand, mattress, 1 leather chair
  1. SELL — would like to sell, but I don’t use these at all. so they are easily discardable.
  2. DISCARD — likely, but less prefered simply because could earn litle extra money.

  1. SELL   — A GREAT way to get quite a bit of money, $8000 atleast I’d say.  discarding the car is not an option.  Selling the car would mean more public transportation (something that, when in another country) is actually preferred to car because dont’ ahve to worry about the transportation method just destiatnons sweet.  no car provides adaptability too. with a car (and this is counterintuitive) you have to worry about parking it, protecting it, paying for it, etc.
  2. Travel With  — if I stay on this continent, traveling with the car would be a must and convienent.  If I did this, i’d have to get new plates and update the sticker.
  3. Store @ Storage. —  this is oonly an option if I foresee coming back to america and that’s precisely what I’d want to avoid upon leaving the counntry, so this alternative is much less preferred because it adds to the illusion that “i live in america”, when that is false.  I do not live in america.

Silly collection of prop jewelery things, hats
  1. Discard — possible
  2. Discard some — possible.
  3. Travel with — okay because portable but definitely feels like clutter
  4. Storage = meh

Suitcases —
  1. Could use for transporting informal suit wear
  2. Discard — could with some, but some are useful posisble
  3. use for storing garb — some but then the problem is clutter could be storing  clutter.

Misc — Electronics box, bathroom box, bedding box, printer, iron, kitchen items
  1. keep for next place to stay; if I stay in an apartment of any sort other than living out of hostels, i will need these.

  1. SELL Some  — possibly.  If I knew which souits I liked/didn’t like.  I think the light beige one I can sell or discard.
  2. SELL All — very  unlikely.  A suit can fit in a suitcase and i just bought ties.  I am very perplexed on how to deal with these, but atleast keeping ONE is almost certainly a must.
  3. Store in Storage — would work fine, but again the sprawl problem occurs
  4. Ship Back to 428  — okay but unlikely because i wouldnt’ want to deal with getting it again.  It took me long enough to get my stuff OUT (and it is ALL out now yay! save hiking photos )  of 428 so sending it back is almost out of the question
  5. Travel With All  — unpleasant consideration because traveling with 7 suits would be aboslutely ridiculous.  I wouldn’t wear all of them.  unles they become my new “normal wardrobe” but i rarely ever go out in the first place nad when I do, I don’t want to draw attention to myself.  so travelin with all the suits would only occur because of lack of decisio nof which one(s) to travel with.
  6. Travel with Some — This option would be good.  a back up suit or 2 or something in case wanted to look informal.  But using them and where I’d use them is problem.  If on a ship and had “Formal day” THAT woudl be GREAT I’d love having a suit then.  If that was the case, I’d take hickey.  I’ve put recent time into getting suit-rlated thigns.  Ties, GREAT Boots.  So it’s obvious that I may wear those occasionally. Why? For what?  to see if ‘ts gear and can chagne anytnign? IDK.  I DO NOT want to wear suits in america that is for sure.

Book Boxes (old)
  1. 428
  2. storage
  3. travel with some.

Book Box (new)
  1. travle with storage

  1. Travel With  — if stay in the continent, I will likely want ot keep the desks. they’r good for computers
  2. DISCARD  — probably unforutnatley best alternative to leaving continent
  3. Storage  — possible but again, adds to illusion of living in america.

Old Clothes
  1. Storage —  possible but adds to illusion of living in america, which isn’t a good illusion to which to contribute
  2. DISCARD — likely will occur to some
  3. Send back to 428 — meh, possibly, but will likely not see them again and this is sending them to some place I want to sincerely never go back to so that’s not a good optin
  4. TRavel with — again dispicable because of massive clutter.  I got sooo many clothes ffs.
  1. Keep and travel with
  2. Sell
  3. Sell and get laptop
Many things will be decided (mainly all discards or sells) if I leave the continent.
It should only in the future, purchase very portable compact, collapsible furniture and desks, etc.
If Sold everythign was considering selling, could easily make over $9,000.
What will I do “after” xya ravel.  How di  aofjsdoi
Getting a NEW what I WANT outlet will make relinqiushing this old skin stuff (bikes, surfbaords etc) VERY easy and natural and smooth. new skin could be music
One reason that some of my mind agreements may have been “on hold” may have to do with having this obstacle-producing clutter.
September 14, 2009 — 8:38 PM
places to go
  1. Aus, live in hostels
  2. Aus, rent an apartment
  3. Aus stay with friend
  4. Uk, live in hotels
  5. Uk, live in apartment
  6. UK, meet peopel stay with them
  7. Drive to east coast, unkonwn
  8. Drive ot Canada, unknown
  9. Drive ot Alaska, unkonwn
  10. Fly to Japan, Unknown
  1. Sell all furniture, sell bike (i’ll use gyms or outside, and will SWIM), sell surfboard, I’m done with westcoast and if want to surf 3-4 times per year I will get one.  Keep all suits.
    1. Shoes — keep 1 puma, 1 running, 1 new, maybe doc martins
    2. keep all clothes
    3. keep computers
  1. Get iphone
  2. Get iphone, discard ipods
September 14, 2009 — 8:11 PM
REasons why I dislike Coaching
  1. Clients’ problems quickly become my problems
  2. I have enough problems solving my own problems
  3. Clients don’t respect what I do for them
  4. I feel like clients dump their problems onto me.
  5. I only like using nLP on myself and dislike how little respect I get for it from other clients.
  6. It’s a game of keeping peopel “addicted” to your voice and your advice in a sense, which is very very low and cheesy imho.
  7. It makes me feel like i’m mimicking consulting, which is a crock of shit
  8. Coachign is a crock of shit (although much less so compared to psychology TRUE!)
  9. It’s not crisp and certain like science, phsyics, math, etc.
  10. It’s not my thang.
  11. I like precision, navigation, IRREVERSIBILITY, Completion, freedom, Math, health, classical music.   (current values).
The Ross Jeffries, persuasion and NLP and coaching stuff is not what I want. I took many of those to avoid being persuaded and brainwashed as pre-emtpive counter stuff to clarity.  What I Want is not the “methods of making peopel clear or unclear” but hte clarity itself and THAT is in trig, math, physics, botany, navigation.
Bollocks.  I am going a bit crazy because I don’t have a way to make money and I’ve constantly defined myself in a sense by how I “think” i could make money and thought I could with coaching because that’s something I’ve seen other people doing (shirnks, parents, consultantgs etc) But that is NOT what I want to do.  I want something PRECISE: aviation, math teacher, Soemthing like that is what I Want for career, profession.  I’ve lacked htat precision in life. computer science would be okay possibly.
I am FULLY at hte end of my rope because I don’t have a source of income.  This is preposterous.  Indispicably, indescribably preposterous.  I’m tired of trying to retreat into fantasy world to hide from that huge pink elephant inthe room. WHY THE FUCK have I not been able to make money?  I hate america and blame it.  there’s nothing else to do.  My current problems are defined by america.  Leaving this vile and disgusting country will undoubtedly create new problems, but at least they will be more likely solveable than this disgusting dead-end place.
I could be like “i wish I had more time to decide what to do wit hthis stuff,” but frankly, I dont’ want ot be in moratorium of iindecieoisan ny
I could get the new license plates things but then I’d still be in america. I HATE HATE HTE doing things,  I hate going out and dealing with americans, It doesnt’ really matter if living in hostels will be hard, living in america is IMPOSSIBLE because of the people here.  I must leave america (the only palce aceptable is east coast but that is unlikely
I just want life to be over. that’s what I feel frequently in america atleast. if I get an iphone that will sovle one problem but will produce more.  america is jsut a torrent of endless loops of hellish problems. I seriously can’t take this anymore I must abandon america.
i don’t like being away from poeople all the time, but being with them I feel like it’s hobbeson choice of following their crowd nd sillusioned beliefs.
I ened a place to be LOUD.  that’s a goal
My voice sounds REALLY REALLY embarassing to hear. it sounds ridiculous, timid, stupid, FEARFUL, really lame.  Maybe might sound better now, but in 2005-6ish it sounded like shit.
making  music work seems very unlikley. challenging? it jsut is too much of a “fantasy” to be taken seriously.  past intereinsts with it
mick jagger
uk bands
good body shape
but being a failure as musician (*VERY likley 0would be massively embarassing and lame as
I think its’ this rock musci is sloppy.   Classical music is apex of brilliance
MATH IS EXCELLENT for problem-solving and htinking clearly true.
I like my intensity on the old videos but they’re talking about nothing, they lack substance and are ridiculous.
all that was Boguzs shit.  I wanted to do podcasts on Computers or Math or English something i’m interested in
English books are great bcs if taoiestoaiwjfdoaisfjdoifj if quiality like tolkien, it helps you escape the stupid world.
I Miss my dog.
I miss how he did tricks.
i miss how he kidn of “knew the routine” with the run at night.
I Do NOT miss
picking up the shit
the smells
having to lock the fridge
having to go out for walk everyday
These compassionate reservoir thigns are EMBARASSING they’re so cheesy.  Their content is VERY CHEESY.  and embarassing. I hate them.  IT would be GREAT if I applied my intelligent to explaining something that EXCITES ME.  MATH (esp rec math, trig).  retelling tolkien stories,     Computer science.   classical music.
The old Comp Res recordings lack substance, they’re ridiculous, they’re stupid, they go NOWHERE, they’re appealing to persuasion and crap.  My intelligence is WASTED doing crap things like that shit. stupid.
The discussion then was SUCH gibberish and retarded.  It weraks of politics and vile crap.  it’s somewhat cult-like it’s aweful
All the american Crap all he PROBLEMS with biotoxicfamparents and disgusting people it’s fouled this wrteched countyr. there’s no hope ther’es NO resources in america. america is purely toxic.  Imust get out of americ you must get out of america.
the psychiatryic SHIT
the BTP bad memories
the police abuse
teh physical abuse
America is a stained wretched country I MUST leave it!
September 15, 2009 — 10:51 PM
September 15, 2009 — 10:51 PM
September 15, 2009 — 10:51 PM
September 15, 2009 — 10:51 PM
shredded a shirt and suit with knife,  did Stooopid epic cams.  said horde will die a lot on BG of jules verne.  Got REALLY drunk (Puked I think). Watched snippets of hackers…………um  ya wkf 3 times.  a bit crazy.  When woke-up had the wild-rocker? not spiritual not rocker like idk flowing hair something that had after the House of Blues and stripclub night.   What I like aabout califronia is that feels like it might bring out the flowing hair look thing but it’s too superficial and there’s other places in the world that bring out that look but are purer and cleaner and clearer.  yay.
I like richard feynman b/c he’s CLEAN and smart but also very alive with paties.  I hate jim morrison stuff even though looked a bit like hime iwth the flowing hair look them, because morrison was very sloppy and a waste.  i wonder if I’m supposed to connect with justin fox to discover more bout music?  I am afraid that my normal personaility (maybe wild flowing hair personality) sparks fear in men who in turn make my life more uncomfortable.  Yes, I think that is true.    The best solution is relationships with women (like the GREAT boobed one I met in calab b4 left) and no fearful ppl around.   I think my wildness scares people.  That wildness is part character and part me (part performance and part just the way I am.  I felt VERY twitch when I woke and In the center of my mind was sex and boobs and women bodies and i didn’t like that at all.  so I tried ot swish pattern to replace those with TRig and math.  In the center of my mind ws always some woman image and I didn’t like that I reckon.   I don’t like being obsessed with sex, I envisioned trig periodic functions and like and tr
and trust those.  SOOOO I still don’t know where to gobut I am feeling clear about this emerging “wild self” that was no doubt popping up during hacker watching 8th grade etc.  it’s only a pproble because it’s sooo cool. but I should be having sex with flowing hair mode but get stuffed up because of not trusting when I think chicks like me, the TRAP of california (and it is a trap. truly it jsut wants to make you feel like your getting somewhere in life and in the meantime, take your money)  kj
So this idea of wanting to  die comes from 1)that emergent flowing hair self that’s relaly cool….BUT  hhmmm is a thrat to most the stuffy american losers I guess.  idk.   maybe that person would thrive more in cheaper tropical place like costa?? meh idk if liked costa
what if that flowing hair dude mode is really me?  It only emerges when drinking, so not sure, or if it is really me, my nervousness constant basically is what makes me feel pain and anguish all the time.   I think I am beginning to get a sense of how a bad country like america really shapes your beliefs, ideas, concepts etc.  like the obsession with earning money I think is american-driven.  some parts of you cannot thrive in america, true.  When I woke up I had timeline envisioned the past decade or so of movement (moving to co springs to il flying to costa flying to london to co springs, etc) that stopped in the hellfire of claiforina.  ALSO when I awoke, my pupils were very non-dilated.  I like that and it’s rare on me.  I think I have a tendency to become to agape with the world and pupils dilate too much all the time.  The pupil constriction i think is associated with inner visualization and I attribute it as a sign of focus and thus a very good thing.  soooo…..question still remains of what to do.  I had a few of going to some other country and ending up as a bum loser which would be horrendous.  so i have these wild suit-shredding experiences and then there’s this VERY academic intelligent, intellectual person of me that strives for furthering his mind.  Maybe both those people have the same goals really.  the flowing hair and the academic knowledge-increasing all have the same goal of maximizing intelligence and mind.  maybe   flowing hair seems like fun mode or expression mode idk.
threw stuff out. felt good.  feel VERY twitchy and some stupid neighbor american idiot bitch whined ” is there any way you could do that in the morning?” i responded, “possibly”. and then continued to bring out more garbage LAWL!! But more quietly hehe.  I HATE calab and especially malibu canyon apartmetn complex SOOOOm uch.  i hate it so much I feel i have been blinded by my hatred for it by my hatred for it!  I can’t function here.  I can’t do anything here  THESE are the people that make me want to die.  I hate it because peopel watch you at night.  They control yuo.  They are dead silent at night which is a bit scary.  They have useless pathetic lives.  Their stupidity makes me feel like my intelligence is on pause, which is a very bad thing.  and no one puts my intelligence on pause
Aus might be the place to be. maybe.
after going to the 7-11 store to get protien bar, drink, fruit, thre’s not much here in america that I like the tastes of NOR can eat. bleh….america is so fail.  Anywyas,  I realized how kind of twitchy and precise I am it’s nerdiness and it’s precision like engineering astronaut, constructing airplane design. Software engineer. TRIG expert THat kind of precion.  I becamse aware of the sludge of delusioins I endured from non mmo video games etc.  I feel smarter and more alert with all my things packed up and I like them packed up.  Makes me feel mobile and clearn MUCH more secure that way.  Best to be packed and mobilei n a dangerous, frigthtening bad place like america than not.  So I DO need a safe place.  The sprints at night are great.  Where would be a safe place??? hhmmm   aus may be a yuppy america, if so it’s partially safe now, but if it’s moving towards america it’s not moving in the right direction I hope not. it seems to be moving jsut kidn of everywhere with all the variety of traveler’s aus brings.  I dearly want to discuss my time there with Aussies b/c I enjoyed it so.
I felt safe on the nature trails.  that was a time of peace.  Man, I so greatly wish I could find people like the tolkien elves and such.  THAT is the way people should be.  THAT is the way that I like to be.  Very proper, good, formal. there was no technology then the enemy was defined and clear (unlike how it has been with me recently where it has been very obfuscated and bureid but now it is clear, teh enemy is malbue canyon people and californains true).
I was astonished at how formal and proper and clear-sounding I was the few words sadi the t clerk , “is there a total?” I think .    The eye contact avoiding it is saying I do not trust this person and making eye contact will aggravate me.  true.     So I think to myself that I may perceive myself how others perceive me. Like I sounded intelligent and clear nad proper and sharp and clear in voice and thought to the clerk and I percieved that.  I think the more grounded and hearty i get in body, the better i’ll be able to differentiate 1)how I evaluate myself, 2)how people evaluate me.
I almost always treated how people evaluated me as truth. but that is not true.
I LIKE the proper, nerdy, precise guy.  THat is me.
what is this morrison crap?  that’s the demon, the bjorn thing the not the “darkside duality” it’s just a sloppy side of me, yes.
the chemistyr, Math, Trig side of me can be proper and very advanced and clear and flowing hair too. f lowing hair does not mean disgusting women, foul drinking, debauchery, etc
HUGE Realization TRusim. I AM VERY VERY VERY repulsed, sick, anddisgusted by reading one-person views.  subjective views to things.  I DEARLY miss the GREAT days where my mind could SAFELY pour ove my biology textbook and chemistry textbook and math textbook problems and know that I was learning non-debatable, tested, universal truths.  I LOVED that.  that made me feel secure and happy and focused and proper.
I relaizeD I had been starving myself the past 4-5 years. seriously.  I did so out of pain. I was disconnected from science and the intelligent people that are true in life so i starved myself because I felt intellectually starved as it was.
but feeding and nourishign body creates some great changes. jolly good.
I DEleted ALL timb ezra emails yesterday that was BRILLIANT.  I just do things when drunk I have less “reluctance” and doubt and consdierinag and reconsiering if I’ll need htem or not etc.
How can I study math, comp sci, physic chem bio on a regular basis in a structure format that’s fun and good and pleasant?
I feel VERY pleasant and clear and aligned right now.  Very light and clear from running, the redbull the writing the tolkien, the connection with brtiain.
I read a bit of dawkisn EXCELLENT.
Soooooo….   what I love about tolkien is that hte companies has an adventure and then has a period of rest and recuperation and storytelling and sharing what happened with trustworthy good people.  I miss that in life   and cannot believe how much time I wasted trying to talk with biotoxicfamparents.
I FEEL VERY LONELY.    it’s hard to focus on books.  I don’t like being in a state of “about to move”.  I don’t like having about 2 hours a day only window when I can safely go outside.  I hate being afraid of going outside.  I hate california.  i hate how weird and how it’s like a haze and your life goes on pause when you’re in califonria.  It’s something like the trek to rivendell with lifeless ladns.  it’s so dirty and foul so i have pain here and am moving away from that and now I need to focus on what I am moving toward. Hhhmmm what will that be? brazil? south america maybe?? idk.  I like palin  becasue he’s clear nice very polite but traveler spirit or something I guess.
All of my problems are financial.  I pictured for a bit if I had 100,000 and I realized many of my anxieties would be dissolved.  True, i would still have many anxieties and fears from people.
I undoubtedly feel like people make my life hell. I spend 90% of my time hdiing from people avoiding people because they make me so angry.  there are very few people that I value and trust.
Was Hunters and Co just a waste of time?  I have soooo many mixed emotions with that.
I guess competition within it.  also wanting to get gear and realizing the guild will never help with gear. it’s all social and the hosfae thing how I kond of liked her but realized she was a trickester
my anger towards women and men
my wanting to be a classical music conductor or musician.
the flowing hair self. where does that fit in?
how I am annoyed by wow and also addicted to it and also kind of really like it.
so many problems and I want and need them solved.
I need to talk to someone about this but the problem with that is that I don’t trust any coaches nor psychologists! I dont’ trust other people’s advice really.  Dawkins I could ask him for advice.
I HATE being a slave to my sex drive.  I hate how I dont’ feel like I have contorl over that.
wow my neck is REALLY tight and feel in a lot of pain.
After going to the 7-11 store to get
BY JOVE!! FAscintaing I LOVE Reading Selfish-Gene. INCREDIBLE!! YEs.  atheism wash te path to annihiatlign the illusions so I can have my mind cheris hteh splendid joys of science, math, and truths. YES!! AWESOME!! I feel like I do not want to die anymore. yes excellent.  This is fascinating and good. GREAT!!! 😀
female preying mantises actually eat the head of hte male DURING intercourse because she gets hungry!
Blackheaded gulls will eat a nearby blacheaded gull chick just because it’s like “Fast food” easier than catching a fish and they dont’ have to leave the nest.
Emperor penguins will sometimes push each other in the pools to test for seals.
all those examples the biological organisms cannabilize and act in very selfish ways.
definition of altruism.  Altruism is something that increases your chance to die, while increases a member of your species’ chance to survive.
I no longer want ot be altruistic to americans.  I want to be selifh. nice.
I want ot LEARN these (mabye teach some)
Math in general
Evolutinoary Biology
Temporarily british fiction
mabye comp sci.OK
What age level?  I have no idea.  But this is the first time in LONG time that I can truly foresee good thigns in my future.
Wow. that would be terrific!  But then again I may simply want to just LEARN those things more hhmm yes defintely atleast that.
I feel INCREDIBLY empowered knowing that I AM NOT a rockmusciain, nor some business money freak loser, nor a performer.  I watched crap of that and could not realte to them i love the the science ppl! yas! excellent.

Road to Reality

Selifhs Gene
Life BIO

yes!! THE joy of reading textbooks is you don’t have to finish te book! The joy of reading it is NOT “getting through the book, getting over it” which is many times the joy of many of hte subjective false books I’ve read in teh past.  GREAT~!!

I love sprints because it’s EFFICIENT, not sloppy like long-distance and very fast-paced and makes u alert.

I LOVE reading about how the earth revolves and works and spins and how that creates celestrial star constellation rotations I must understand that better.  also lunar calendars.  The moon is new when it’s between the sun and earth?

I am taking GREAT joy in the company of these scientific minds redaing them savoring these truths. it is enligtheing and liberating . I lvoe science!!!!!!! I

Random but VERY cool factoid: “ For example, the lily (which produces beautiful flowers each spring, but produces fewer proteins than a human does) has 18 times more DNA than a human.”

I may very much may want to get a teaching degree.  HEY!!!!!!! Then I could teach quite easily in almost any school.  OMG!!! That’s brilliant!  I’d love that!!! I really think I’d sincerely love that.  I would have a job!! I wouldn’t be some stupid biz nor larwyer nor money freak. I coudl contineu TRUTH studies of science and math and SHARE those and thus learn it better and help others elvevate their consciousnes by learnign science too WOW YA!!!!!!!

I might love to teach trig and biology.

Definitely NOT any humaniteis save maybe british fiction.  NO history, no engislh no social studies, no psychology,

The only acceptiable things I’d want to teache ar

okay computers coudl be VERY cool if used to program Mars rovers and NASA code stuff wow cool.



Dream Compilation
September 17, 2009, 1:14 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized



Dreamt I was in this gigantic pool (or sectored-off ocean) like the one in Deep Blue Sea, but with underwater columns and fences and barriers. Ther ewas this massive megaladon shark that kep trying to eat me and this other person. We swam through the columns to avoid it and to the other side of the tank/pool. Eventually I found this harpoon spear that cooul extend a little prong after it punctured through the shark so that it would creat a clamp and couldn’t’ open its mouth. I think I shoved that in it, and then I thought it could get killed in this gigantic underwater smashing device with two vertical wall-smashers that have spikes that would completely close vertically, smashing the shark’s torso to thin paper or severing is tail and head in two.

04/05/2003 Friday

8 miles 32 B (ate three full meals at rastall)

I dreamdt Ms. Murray was telling me my grade and that I had failed art history, but it wasn’t art history it was drama,

She said she minored in Drama, and insinuated that I should

I kid with RV came up and tapped me on the head

and we were now in a coffee shop

I ran after him

and kicked the crap out of him

I kept kicking him on the floor nonstop. Then everyonehelped him up


Dream Journal

wierd dream. Was on some pivotting myst-boat thing with a bell and a rotator on water, I took the rope off the bell, and then someone came on the rotator thing, and got the rope out of my pants. They starte to chainsaw somethign and almost cut me, so I ran off the boat-thing screaming, and ran to a house where walter and pat were, looking for nicky. – reminded me of working near haphazard construction area.


Well, crazy hectic day. Got 15 hours of sleep lastnight!! 5-8. Dreamt about killing my rat by putting it in a bag and dumping rice and food on it (or losing it). Also, I dreamdt that Brecht, now-looking fat/overwieght and my dad, and me met for a dinner/party and joked, and my dad even made fun of his “actorship”. Also, thought this represented the death of brech (AWESOME, and not deifying him), and moving on to respecting mrs. Erdall, hopefully! Feel good. Did hour of rat training, did neuroanatomy lab and TOUCHED THE BRAIN HUMAN! Then saw Matt, Andrea in Career center, changed gold card t o$390, saw RV, thinking about doing computer deal at armstrong, called ruggs, checked out library (boring), and shove (it’s SO nice having a computer that is in peace and is mine to work on!!). Well, going to study more, hopefully get a run in and get things going — so busy out here!!! So So much mroe than at the LSE because of Career Center, Gold Cards, and an actual CAMPUS!! To see, meet, and do things!! So many cool choices of thigns to do — armstrong, computer guys, get paid and have fun and do somethings productively, which Iwould be doing anyways, and then get paid for them!! Whoo-whoo! And get resume acknowledgement, that’s the thing — I want to do things for resume acknowledgement, because I am normally productive — so why not get credit for them! oOVer out!! Rock on! I realize that I am enjoying this class so much, because, not only because I really enjoy neuroanatomy/psyhcology, but b/c I am in the hands of a VERY organized teacher, so my learning is organized and productive.


Wierd dream– bike to Danya Sherman’s house, almost got run over (really dangerous) and hit by purple? car. Got there, and talked to her while watching some disney movie — all odgs go to heaven?? She said she had been taking martial arts at some dojo, and solme other person (mike l/tom fort) showed up, while I helped myself to bread? i nthe kitchern. wierdo!!


My Dorm Room 430

Man, I still cannot believe how incredible spending time with Taylor was! I still cannot believe how raunchy we were, how unrestrained, how dream-like everything was, and how alive it felt! We had sex doggystyle! I cannot believe that, Amazing. Totally amazing out of some porno book. That made me start to think that life really CAN be whatever you want as an open book — it just forms to what you like/dislike. Well, I am so incredibly overwhelmed by how much cc offers, I am almost suffocated and suppressed by it! I am so happy about my box situation, too. Truly awesome. Well am going to call home, shower, computer, then food!! Totally starving!


Wow, really wierd dream. I dreamdt that Eva Sosnowska came to live with me and my family and she was all over me. This is my 9th night or something dry, the pill really seams to be working!


Okay, wierd dream: I was going to go swimming, even though casey told me not to. But I didn’t because I had to many books and junk in my backpack to worry about (if it would get stolen or not).

I had the martial arts test yesterday and got purple belt (5th kyu) even though I was going for 3rd kyu(brown). It was cool because michelle got 3rd and I am two belts under her anyway. I came back, ate chinese, ran, went to hobbit, watched identity, went to jungle boogie, had sex with zoe. Really, really frickin’ sore after sex and martial arts1!! My lats,lower legs, everything! I really want to try to get good grades — valedictorian-style like robin. He is a very cool guy. It was wierd that people asked me if I knew robin and casey — they’re good guys.


Wow wierd dream. I dreamt that Dr. Shultz or sorchett, pretty sure shultz, was making watch these movie segments of penelope cruz (or maya?) and label them as “pretty”, “attractive”, “sexy”, etc. I couldn’t figure out the labels he wanted for each picture so he told to me to ask myself to label the pictures based on where they were in the movie. Then I dreamt about this mexican guy who put some wierd gel all over himself that semi-prevented sharks from biting him, then he went into shark-infested waters and got bites all over his achilles. Someone, I think professor Montano or Shultz went in and pulled him onto a boat, or sub.


Dreams: Dreamt that Tim Fuller was in People magazine, the Dream emphasized how the article was written by some guy named Tom Kahn, and it talked about how he was finding a girlfriend. Lief carter said in the back ground, “A life of politics is a full episode”, or something


Dream: was in this hardware store where james and I were made to karkate punch or kick thomas, but if we accidentally hit hijm, one of the workers there kicked thomas in the head and then us. Thomas’ head started bleeding and he was crying, and I wanted t okill the workers, but they puled a knife, we left our toolbox there and left without beating them u, and I was cupping thomas’ bleeding forehead.

Dream on night of April 9, 2005

Dreamt I was wearing these neck collars that were buzzers or pisioner things that we all took off then put back on and threw away because they were a symbol of freedom. Matt Birnbaum, I think george Clooney, I think Katherine (neighbor), and a bunch of other close friends were their in this pool area with an outside area. It ended withme packing up my bag while everyone else was swimming and secretly keeping my neckband (symbol of freedom) and then everyone else changed as I was leaving the locker room and we all waited with our luggage in some main underground area and my friends were there (I put my green cosmetics case in a black duffle). There was so old rabbi chanting. We were definitely about to do something probably illegal, bold, and righteous (stealing from rich to give to poor), but not sure what it was. Wild dream!

Nap Dream April 9, 2005

Dreamt that mom, Thomas, james, and I were driving and more drove the car (a kind of race car/rental car) off this edge and it did one of those free-falling slow-mo diving things, tipped forward and crashed into a building. None of us were hurt but we met all of these other people who crashed their cars in a some waiting room afterwards, too.

** The falling feeling was exactly like the dream when uncle dean and I flew off the bridge on bikes, but this wasn’t as scary because we didn’t land in water (almost drowning).

April 12, 2005

Totally awesome alive day.

Class 9-12. Ran 12-1:45 ( had to take dump at walmart). Swam 2-2:30 1000m, ate lunch of apple, sandwich,milk. Biked 3:30-4:30. Saw Christen and Cameron and Taylor’s house. Changed got Rastall, went to mathias saw Kendra and wandered around from 5:30 – 7:00. Library from 7:00-8:00. 8:00-10:00. cleaned room, wrote e-mails. Showered, now off to bed! Jesse seemed to have anger at him, and is certainly an exceptional conversationalist. He talked about vocational direction and survival, but I disagreed with him on numerous topics – drugs, etc.

Dream: dreamt change Thomas and I were rafting down the santia, or some river, I fell luckilyu got back on after cutting my leg, then Thomas got seperaetd from change, but change found him and saved him. THE DOCtor had to give me some “knock out pill”, but I really didn’t have many wounds, and thmoas had the same. Then I met Martha stanley’s mom, introduced by my mom.

April13. 2005

1 mile run, 1000m, 1 mile run, 15* bikeride.

Dream: James Thomas and I exchanged gifts. One was some Lord of the rings beginning book in bible format before Michigan or new years or something . we mwoke mom up as Thomas told her about the gifts (it was similar to the sandwich shop one with just me and bros). other details but hard to remember.wow, really frickin’ tired, jeez. Exhausted, but hopefully will get some sleep, then nkiwan’es later on. I needed to borrow money from dad to buy the highest goal book which I gave james as a gift and he pulled out 5 or 6 huge wads of money all organized by “belt clips”, which were really flolwer clips.

April 14, 2005

1 mile run, 1000m swim, 1 mile run, biked past Manitou, up some mini inclines 2:30- 4:00.

Seeing ted and dan Castaneda today reminded me of james and guy, usually it’s dad that ted reminds me of! Went to sleep at 10. read for about 20, lights off at 1030= quality, quality sleep!

DreamDream: Dreamt I was installing some software in some room (Michigan?) but I accidentally took a dump I nmy sleeping bag, so I had to tell mom, james, and Thomas to get out of the room by saying II couldn’t install the software with them watching me and to come back in 3 minutes, then I washed the sleeping bag.

April 15, 2005

DreamDream. Slept from 4am to 2pm and dreamt that I was in some Doom-like fps being chased by christophe (or Thomas) and james, I think. They put a bunch of bombs in some pool and I was on the highest level. I was about to throw in a grenade-bomb to set them all off, but james popped up and I jumped away into the pool, set off the bombs, and got out of the brown-walled pool with clear water (not swimming pool – like a reservoir) just in time, but burnt my leg. They said I’d get cancer of the leg and I ran into the next portal chamber where I didn’t got into the second door “Titanic” or the third door, but the first door, which was something abouet 1287, and some car smash, I think.

April 17, 2005


Dreamt that mom, dad, and myself and some other people attendedsomething like a a teenfreedom class, led by breck. We watched a commercial to prove some point, where the real actors came on stage : george hanson, an older woman, and one other guy. Then we went out in some clearing in the woods surrounding by white column rubble, and dad liked themeeting.


I remember that after the teenfreedom course, the Judge took complete control. Blinding me from what was good (parents, Anne L. and Ari and Scott) and had me thoroughly convinced that acting, breck, maya, and chaos was good. That was when the Judge was completely in the driving seat. It was a very scary time.

April 29, 2005


I dreamt that Taylor Carlson came out to visit me at Colorado College and we didn’t really hit it off because of the relationship with the school. I said it was hard for me to breath with my back sore and the elevation and she was like, “Duh”. She wore a purple or black or grey sweater, and I was just drained so we didn’t hit it off very well being in the mountains. We went to the garden of the Gods, but still, it was awkward. Being around the ocean makes me thrive


May 2, 2005 Dream

Dreamt I was rooming with 3-4 other roommates, one of them was Bret Diskin. This heavy-weight guy came in and I started trying to empower him by telling him a story about a teacher who didn’t think highly of himself and, therefore, over-ate to become fat, but a few of the other teachers who had seen him teach always tried to make him realize how incredible he was at teaching. Everyone was reading big-name author books, like Grisham, or something, and stacking them near my bunkbed There was a pick-up soccer game going on and my mom was playing — so was professor Lindau. Lindau showed off some good soccer moves for a few seconds and then didn’t do anything, he tried to talk about this one “environmental policy” paper he wrote, but it was a lame comment. Someone commented to me about how much perseverence, aggressiveness, and resilience my mom played soccer — seriously going after the ball. I was thinking about playing and pictured myself really schooling people, but didn’t play.

Indifference and The Judge



Dreamt I was in some classroom – felt like elementary schoool – the teacher looked like ben stiller and when he said for al of us to get partners for some test, I bolted over to him and told him I had to leave for my grandmother’s birthday (but I didn’t think it was really there). A girl that reminded me of Erica Brooks kept making fun of the ben stiller clone teacher and it turned out to be a funny class. Weird how in my dreams, I still connect fear of homosexuality to stuff.



Dreamt I think James and some girl went to go rollerscating at this arcade rollerblade place. The place had people that played video games (actors) that didn’t get distracted when people talked to them. The store where yolu rent rollerblades reminded me of the beach house so I told the owner that. The had enormous shirts hangin from the ceiling I said I already had roller blades and surprised everyone (I was wearing them). Some of the video games (like Street Fighter) were projected on this hgue screen that everyone could see. Then most of the rink was covered with sliding woodwork that had seats for some performance. Casey be walked over and sat in the seats thate were technically “behind” the stage (at about 330°, while james and the other person sat in front. There were seats in 360° of the theater and we waited for the performance to start. Very vivid fun dream.

05/16, 2005

Went to run, had breakfast sat with this girl who saw Richard the Third at the Globe in London and sat behind Alan Rickman (the snape actor) in the theater! It was pretty amazing to connect with that – two summers ago. I still remember vividly fuller and minogue eating ice cream at that performance.

May 22, 2005


Weird dream! I dreamdt that me and about 15 other people got taken to this special room. It was in some huge hotel where everyone else was at tables (like cafeteria tables only fancier) watching some bigscreen TV. In this special room, the guy who knew the owner slid all of these closet doors which led to the secret room where there was a table and a series of one-way mirrors that looked at all the tables. I kept checking out Casey avaunt and noticed that she was kind of insecure the way she moved. Then someone said this was like hunting our prey with the other people not able to see us. The hotel was inherited by someone, but parts of it reminded me of a cruise or CC

Everynight I have slept here in Chicago has been enuresis. Embarassing, annoying and irritating. I obviously hate it here I guess, or something. I hate my dad; he is such a bum and I must stop relating to him from an area of coaching, where he solves my problems, he can’t solve my problems anymore. I could act like he solves them, that could be interesting! Hhhhmm, why not make him feel good. An artificial relationshp is considered a neutral one, which is better than a fighting one, sometimes. Also, if my parents fight just allow that to happen and not make it a concern of mine. I shouldn’t try to help them stay together or get their differences out and move apart. That is not my area. It would be infinitely liberating for me to not be the glue anymore.

May 24, 2005


Really weird one, but funny. I dreamdt mom or someone got two presents – a set of magnetic silverware and a special two-layered cooking pot with a grate built-in to the bottom. I commented it was fun with metal alloys. She told me to get something to cook in the pot and we had a massive bag of clams (in Chicago) and a bunch of yams, so I suggested the yams. Before we were trying to call the Smiths and thank them, but got to simultaneous calls without a button to switch the calls so james (or I, I forget) programmed in how to switch from those two callers. Really weird. Love life to the fullest!

The more connected we illuminate our passions, the more certaint we become as human beings. Acknowledging our strengths allows us to supercede our knowledge and grow infinitely. Love life to the fullest!

Woke up,

Walgreens – medicine for dentist and candy

100 E Walton for dr. block

scotts house

alexa’s house

jimmy’s house





home depot






Just did a ton of writing and realized when my dad came into my room, I hate him. I feel like he downloads shit and my leg swelled up, I hate being around my dad, he is bad energy, a blob, and I havecompassion for him, love him, but me being around him is not happy. Irght now I feel used, charged up with bad energy that I want to expel out of me, feel like I have to put all this time into purging out energy, like my brain isn’t my own, like my body isn’t my own, frustrated. Feel like crap. I hate the way I feel when I am around my dad, but I love my dad. I hate that fuckhead. Damnit. Ask him what he thinks catalyzed that deterioration.

May 27, 2005



I dreamt James and I went camping and had on this weird canvas overall pants. Some bad guys were camping kind of far away from us. The terrain was rocky, with rough weeds amidst everything. We saw the bad guys off in a distance, and I left our campsite for some reason (to get firewood?) and saw a huge gave that had a mountain lion in it with a fallen tree branch covering the entrance. I ran back to get james and when I showed him the entrance the tree branch was gone, so we knew the mountain lion had gotten out. Then he attacked us and we fought him off with sticks. We both opened up our coats big to scare him off but that didn’t work. After a long fight, eventually we were pretty cut up and I was about to stab a knife in him, when we realized he was licking and cleansing our wounds! He liked us and became our pet. We thought about putting him in a zoo, but didn’t think the captivity would be good for him, so we let him go. Then we watched some weird version of an endless Summer 2 (or three or four?) of these surfer dudes going down a huge natural waterslide/rapids/waterfall in a raft and passing a mountain lion that looked like ours!

Things I want to say to my dad:

Why couldn’t you be more like uncle dean – strong, wise, simple, clear, mainly, what he means he means (no duplicitness)

I dislike how you raised me and James in such a psychologically warped way, obsessed with scaring us with stories and such.

I dislike how the only way I can relate to you is through consulting – where I have a problem and you solve it (endless examples, girls, tooth, getting life back together). This creates a spurious relationship with false problems.

I dislike how you are only comfortable when we james and I afraid of you.

You’re too serious

I just hate being around you, you make me scared, you’re a fat blob of unexpressed emotions who has a terribly uncommunicative relationship with his wife.

June 1, 2005


Vivid dream, Dreamt that tom fort, me, some other people had to stand in this beg concrete throne chair on trial for something with Canada. They read some dialogue paper I wrote (kind of poorly wrote) in higschool or college. Total wierdnesss.

June 20, 2005


Dreamt I lived right next door to this chinse (asian) family and visited them a lot, and was convinced that whenever I left the room the chinese father went at it and had sex. I lleft their house when it looked they were leaving (packing things in a briefcase and putting the hat and coat on) but then I woul dcome back and see they might still be there. I neve knew if they were trying to fake me out with the hat and coat, or they really were leaving. I watched some movie that I had seen before with 2 of the asian guys, they were quiiet, wise, and peaceful. I kept wantign to to talkk to hear stuff the family said becaue they were so smart and always had some amazing advice. The movie (I think) was about 9 people taht were paddling from this one shoe to this new island that had just opened up adn they created a wave as they propelled themselves across teh sea/lake with huge enormous strokes. Also, I peed in the garbage can and it overflowed while family was at a play or somethign.$$$ then weoke upa and hat to really really go to bathroom. the water swimming, and then peeing was like a quie to get up and ppe! major proces ffrom enurise!

June 22, 2005


Dreamt I was a mother that had just had a kid and wrote about how hard it was to have a kid in a letter. Was in this crazy school where I sabotage it by playing pranks and a lot of people said they left it (it seemed like CC) because they said it was possesed (by devil thing?). Then ama died somehow — some wierd diseae. And someone, yuri maybe?, got someting chopped off frfom this turbien and it seemed like “final destination” b/c people were dying. was thinking about transferrrng. then flashed to when I Was older with the kid thing. Dreamt thomas was going to a different school in the mountains, I think. Maren K was going there, too. I needed to go to a party at matt c’s house, but hadn’t showered yet, so I showered without taking my pants off.

June 23, 2005


Dreamt that my family – mom, dad, myself, (james and Thomas, probably, too) were at some dinner party with some more relatives (smiths) and muppy. We were out on some white outdoor table and breck costing was there talking and eating hor douerve (nuts) everyone was seated and he and muppy were hitting it off. I thought they would make a good couple. Then I dreamt that something else big, forget though.

July 2, 2005

June 2, 2005 202A DREAMDREAM

totally awesome DREAM one of hte best I’ve ever had.

was in chicago with breeze and family and thomas m, kuczmarski was really young. We got trapped in this car that smashed us, with salt or sand on top of it, and thomas had his lips peaking out so he could breath, then I accidentally shifted the sand and he couldn’t so we dug him out, or he burst out or the piles of salt/sand. Breeze said we just needed to get the family to the litt’e “ville” navy pier, and then we ened up in a hotel.

July 11, 2005


Weird drema,s dreamt I was in some fellowship and was gimli or a hobbit maybe; lot’s of scattered dreams. Wierdness.

The more we open our eyes to invigorating certainty, the more focus and ingenuity sprouts from our life. When cling and grasp, we generate problems for ourselves. Open our lifestyle we inspire others, creating leaders out of ourselves. A leader isn’t some one who tells others what to do or shapes people’s lives with rules and bureaucracy – that is a tyrant, an oppressor, the opposite of a leader. John Quincy Adams, the 6th president of the united states eloquently defined true leadership: “If your actions inspire others to dream more, learn more, do more, and become more, you are a leader”. There is so much veracity in this words and it is tremendously challenging to help inspire others to do more and learn that their dreams can be reality through gentle provocative leadership. True leadership, therefore, is based not around the leader’s strengths, but the strengths of those he leads. When you force or coerce people into doing things for an organized plan you are not leading them. Instead, you are causing them to experience what it is like to be a component of a machine moving towards some specific and external goal. A leader makes every goal reflective of the person who is trying to achieve it so that person instantly finds meaning and certainty in achieving the goal. A bureacrat organizes 50 people to build a church. Some believe in the church and put tremendous detail into its engravings and structure, some are only moderately religious and are indiffierent, and the other extreme are atheists who completely don’t care about their work and may try to sabotage the construction. This is not leadership, but a pathway to disunity and uncertainty. When we provoke others so that everyone has a unique target or goal, allowing them to truly experience happiness and movement towards their ultimate goal, you have encountered leadership. In true leadership there is no such thing as striated, varied forms of commitment – everyone has meaning in their goal and pursues it with passion because they have been inspired by the leader. An important quality of leadership is that it must produce a specific and unique goal for each person because each person has unique dreams, inspirations, and forms of purspose. Creating these variations in others dreams open up doorways towards simplicity and resolution. When you lead through inspiring others, Lao Tzus’ phrase of leadership: “The good leader operates so that when the work is done the people will say ‘we did it ourselves’” becomes clear. The true leadership truly does have people do things themselves; it is not a trick. When the leader usurps the work that is not leadership at all . Love life to the fullest and created a tremendous opening towards change and resolution and certify yoru existence by avoiding personal disparagements and uncertainties, open pathways to your own and to others verisimilitudes and find tremendous faith in honesty, prosperity, and love. True happiness, like leadership, is where you generate the goal and the inspiration yourself. True happiness does not occur based onsomeone else. True happiness is a personalized source of resolution that could have had an impact by some inspiring thigns other people say, but is very much your own. Generate happiness in your own life by engaging int authentic leadership to inspire others, giving them the push to evoke their dreams, ambitions, into reality!

Edmund Hillary, the first person to summit Mount Everest in 1919, said “It is not the mountain we conquer, but ourselves”. In surmounting and accomplishing a great achievement we prove to ourselves whate we are capable of. Revealing the capacity in others is precisely what the leader’s job is. When a person generates the motivation or the willing or the drive to “get to the top of the mountain” on one’s own in another person, they have assumed the role of a leader and have the potential to immediately put people through experiences that will increase their happiness and freedom. The purpose of generating this hope and motivation and inspiration in others is to create in the individual and collectively peace in the construct of mankind. 14th century, Italian poet, scholar and humorist, Francesco Petrarch said, “Five enemies of peace inhabit with us / avarice, ambition, envy, anger, and pride; if these were to be banished, we should infallibly enjoy perpetual peace”. The leader has the insights and the foreknowledge to help direct people towards inner peace, furthering the possibility of perpetual, infallible, and universal peace for all of us. By dissolving the deteriorating capacity of avarice, excessive ambition, envy, anger, and pride, we move towards this energetic existence. The best way to avoid those five obstacles from inhibiting our peace is to use them as authentic aids by abdicating the power the have over us. Anger, pride, and ambition can make us crazy, obfuscating our logic and generating counterfeit ideas and perceptions, however, they can also be illuminating assets if used correctly. When wield with temperance and control, anger can be motivation. When we channel anger it can become a spark to ignite our intention toward something. Obviously, if it gets out of control it inhibits our peace, but through practice it can be our fuel towards peace. Ambition is the easiest to transform because it interconnects our intentiosn and motivations towards a specific end. Just as long as we don’t become to overwhelmed by this pursuit or consumed by this end, we are safe. Pride can act as a stabilizer, ensuring we incite all of our resources of ourselves. It can also be a form of self-recognition – a vital component of growth in general – just as long as it doesn’t become inflated and have know bearing. Flaunting our accomplishments to other people is destructive, but genuine personal pride can be a very valid form of reinforcement. Avarice causes us to accumulate excess to the point where the process of accumulating – whether the substance is money, stamps, food, etc – becomes a debilitating obsession. The more we liberate our life with certainty and truth, the more happiness we generate from our knowledge and this knowledge is something we can accumulate, but should be something we should not be devoured by. Finally, the fallacious ramifications of envy. When you covet and pry into someone else’s life and become jealous of a quality or item they possess, you only incapacitate yourself because you freeze frame your life into a state of stagnant inadequacy. Transform envy into goal-setting quickly befor remorse and enmity builds against the person. If you see some quality or some item you admire in another person, trust that. Trusting in the appreciation of a goal is the genesis of the greatest goals, from climbing mount everest and breaking the four-minute mile barrier to writing the dictionary. If you let desire wallow and grow, it takes on a life of its own and mutates into envy, which is debilitating. The five impediments to peace, through practice and temperance can easily become key factors in acquiring Petrarch’s perpetual peace. Just remember:

Ambition – don’t grasp goals, but use them as beacons for growth.

Anger – use this powerful intention as fuel to create momentum in pursuits

Avarice – good to generate copious quality

Envy – use the desire to form a goal, not a craving

Pride – use personal pride to stabilize your accomplishments

Let’s try plugging in these five “transformed obstacles to peace” into the real-life example of running to create peace. Set a goal with ambition and try to achieve it, but have low expectations and high attitude, so your ambition doesn’t become overwhelming. When you are frustrated, transform that anger into a sprint and move ahead in the race. When you desire to move up or have envy for someone else’s speed, use that to catch up with them and take a mental note that that is something you want and will achieve later in your training. Use avarice to accumulate quality footsteps and strides, discard accumulations of fame, which is always fleeting, mercurial, and transient. When you are in a well-developed position, use pride to stabilitize your cadence and pace productively. You can use “reformed five”, formerly obstacles for peace, in any situation or scenario. Just remember to trust in your empowerment and capacity to use these devices and aid others in their process, as well.

July 13, 2005

Dreadream 530am

Dreamt I drew all of these slight pictures and met with diffeent people to try to get married. We acted out the lsight picteus (like, meets person in pictures, likes them have ,iod, etc) and eh ones a resonaed most with I was supposed to marry. I went back to city day and talked about missing/making the shot and soe pople mentioned I I was like ryan Spence b/c I made points in b-ball and was a tgtractice, tehn I talked about how I missesome shot and thie rhad been newswpapar lcipping about it and it was agains oem easy school. The clipping said suggested it may habe bben bad luck of someth,g but then mos gradmore said the onlyh bper I had to pllame was my self. The “note cards” had gherern atuer and the people wre read. Wire st udf!

July 14, 2005


Dreamt I kissed Cat C on the lips, but then she and erica got really mad at me because I wasn’t supposed to “for real” (it was just supposed to make someone else jealous). Then I realized I left cookie dough and some things I had started to cook at her house and had to go back. then I dreamt I moved into this place that was white and clean (like Olympic training center). I was in the first floor room right next to the reception/lobby. I was going to walk over to worner center for “orientation” (not sure what for?) and knocked on this study room and Freedom C was on the floor working in solitude (so he wouldn’t get distracted). It was a really cool place and met some RA (chinese guy) who seemed stun to see me. When we shook hands I saw “pomegraneate juice”.

July 21, 2005


I dreamt I was at some camp or school (U of Denver?) and met this circle of people. The emphasis was on the names. A girl named Jeremy is all I remember for sure (Ronald, sam, Rebecca? Have no idea) then they all ran off.

Robin Williams said a very wise quote about the differences and sometimes, conflicting interactiosn between one’s sexual drive and intellectual capacity. He said, “God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time”. Sometimes it truly feels like our sexual drive completely consumes our brain, or that mentally, we are thinking one-sidedly.

American psychologist, lecturer and author, dale Carnegie said, “People rarely

July 22, 2005


Man, whole series of weird dreams last night. Dreamt Robert deniro was a bad guy who was chasing me and this girl. We had him tied up on a bus but he broke out, the bus driver tried to hit him, and then the bus crashed. I survived, the girl lost her entire brain, but “lived”, deniro was in traction, and the busdriver died, I think.

Also had this dream of meeting all these people, too. Really vivid, but I forgot it.

July 25, 2005


Weird dream: Dreamt that I was in some harry potter book (or was reading it) and it started with harry and ron surfing in this area with sandy moguls, so to paddle outside you had to go over these huge wave hills. Then I ended up in Michigan getting ready for some kind of party, but the atmosphere was really weird. It felt like spring, but it wasn’t normal Michigan. Craziness.

July 31 DreamDream

Crazy Dream. Dreamt I was with these two girls and were in SB house I think (not sure of location) one was wearing a white shirt. They had medium/small boobs, but I ended up sucking on some of them. One of the girl’s boobs had nipples that were an inch long and tasted really weird/gross. Closest thing to a “sex” dream. I was having some monage a trios deal with them and then I ended up doing something else.

Went to uncle dean’s. Showed the home video. Had macaroni pasta salad, sandwiches and peach ice tea (peach ice tea rocked!!!) I talked with sara about teaching degrees and realized teaching is something I’d really like to do! I would want to use a lot of information and connect a lot of it with every field of academia and be in an effective but alternative environment (or a coach carter, type thing would be cool) but that would be something I’d be passionate about and love doing!, then went wakeboarding and inner-tubing. The new flat tub that dean bought was incredible! It was so much fun and it was so hard to stay on and I flew off almost every time after he had a “trial run”. I started laughting so hard I couldn’t breath. It was incredibly awesome!!! I got up on the wakeboard REALLY easily and had some awesome runs even though it was really bumpy and choppy. Then went for a quick 800m run down sarah hill (it was wiered sarah’s clarity reminded me of taylor and that connection was to weird with a cousin, but it was the most I’d talked to sara, I think, in my whole life!) Then showed the dvd to jeff, Daniel, and tyler (tylerr is the cutest thing), he kept saying “buba” for “papa” uncle dean. I realized that joey, sarah, and ryan are uncles and aunts now (now that jeff is a father!). Then had some pie of auntie joanns. Dean and Susan drove me to the airport, told dean about the complimentary thing (should have mentioned NLP) it was awesome. Sat next to a really really smart biologist guy, Howard, who recommended “heart of the sea” about 6 boats that had to paddle from some sunken ship in 150 days or so, about ecology of learning (how learning one smidgen of information interacts and allows you to learn other ares. Like learninag about the ear requires anatomy, physics (acoustics of sound), that physics will require some math, maybe calculus, then you can discuss pyshcology of people who have learning handicaps and how that effects their social life. Then you can expand the “hearing” metaphorically to suggest hearing is based on hearing one’s inner voice (philosophy), then give examples of some people who have used infer voice (English, history, social studies). And you cover all areas of academia with one topic – the ear! Cool stuff. He was a weird guy reminded me of a combination between barry sarchet’s voice, joel ross’s mannerisms, and maybe me (had similar haircut).

Then I sat next to this gardner in a suit, Tino, who hadn’t flown in 10 years and talked about jesus’s teachings and the value of a leader and I trusted the biologist much more even though tino smiled and was really friendly we discussed that only a higher being could create such an amazing human body. Religion and science is a HUGE interest with me. Feelings and reality (reason) are brilliant polarities, too. He talked about this book “the best man that ever lived” or something and said that leaders like JC didn’t need to be present for his teachings to be around, but leaders like napoleon (dictaorship) needed to be present to lead, amazing stuff. Jesus is still “leading” even today. Obvious sign of a great leader, so is prefontaine. Extended learning.

August 6, 2006

6am tp 7am weird dream

dreamt I had killed some woman a long time ago and was working att eh compter and fell asleep, when I awoke I saw that women ins some old white wedding-gown-like dress floating in the compter monit,r then mom popped up and scared the crap out of me!

August 8, 2005


Dreamt that a bunch of latin people were getting a drink of water. I said it was crazy comparing this one short course to a 5k on the same couse. Mickey fisher was there and I asked her if she used to do water polo (or xc, I forget) she said she did, but thtat she always held her breath after three strokes, so she didn’t anymore. And how pensive reed docey-gebs is and maybe that helps him get chicks, and how the 5mile course seems SO long, but is rally on lt 2miles more than the 5k .

August 9, 2005


Dreamt I was staying in this huge hotel for some kind of contest where you put this snowboard-shaped piece of wood under you and pull your body around the hotel carpet by your arms like a seal (I think during the normal event they put water on the carpet). There were a lot of city day people day like Claire Holland. I was practicing before the contest/game/fun activity and was pulling myself around with just hands for awhile. I saw Justin and he and I were really psyched to see each other. He said that he slept on the floor in his room on the top floor. I said I did this too (I really did sleep on the floor in the cottage tonight). He said he woke up saying there was this “40-year old mansion with people on either side” and below him is the playground (or something) and somebody there I guess woke him up even though no one was above him. Funny stuff!

— later sleeping

Then this other part of a dream had James and I at this big fancy party with hors d’ouerves and stuff at this big hotel with a bunch of old city day friends. There was some kind of ballroom and stuff kind of like a high-rise “mansion” where we take the pictures at city day. I wanted to stay and eat appetizaers, but james wanted to leave, so we left and got on some subway. Right when the train pulled up james got on and said Ahh, because it looked like I had left something on an armrest I nteh station, I sprinte to the chair to discover ti was only some blue books of matches, then the train sped off. I sprinted to try to catch it and ended up above ground near some art institute place and asked somebody how to catch who, who said I had to go back to the station . I went back to the party in the mansion, had a coupel of appetiers, so robby wile’s brother, reven fellars and cement blocks that shreve fellars (I think) was pushing down the stairs. Then I went back home and told james what happened, when he was writing a paper. Then I asked mom to not thorw out old floppy-disk games I had.

August 13, 2005


Crazy dream. Dreamt that I was in Dr. Shultz class and had to write some kind of paper or something, like a constitution? I kep doing this fast downhill running (which I called downhill racing) where I skidded and switched-back like skiing down a mountain. I kept doing this to some kid and caused him to trip o impress alexa. We were in some Michigan area – dr. Shultz was a big theme. Really weird dream!

August 14, 2005

I realized that waking up early is going to be all about saying no. Additionaly, making decisions is about saying no and saying that’s stupid, ridiculous, dumb,etc. and have that be the exclusion of the decision process. SAY OFTEN that things look stupid or dumb; that helps you make incredible decisions.

man I am really getting on a roll here with this realizations. I used to have one every 5-6 runs, now I have about 10 every run! I really access my essence and it is incredibly illuminating and invigorating! Running just


Dreamt I was in this gigantic pool (or sectored-off ocean) like the one in Deep Blue Sea, but with underwater columns and fences and barriers. Ther ewas this massive megaladon shark that kep trying to eat me and this other person. We swam through the columns to avoid it and to the other side of the tank/pool. Eventually I found this harpoon spear that cooul extend a little prong after it punctured through the shark so that it would creat a clamp and couldn’t’ open its mouth. I think I shoved that in it, and then I thought it could get killed in this gigantic underwater smashing device with two vertical wall-smashers that have spikes that would completely close vertically, smashing the shark’s torso to thin paper or severing is tail and head in two.

Everyone taps into different areas of time. Some people are way ahead of their generation and might be better in a rock group; some are a few years (coach); other are in the now (decision maker) based on their contemporary essence; the best thing to tdo is to study these and pick the profession that uses your sentient connection, contemporary essence as a strength, not as a disability.

I feel so in syn’ now in my life after watching the Mick Jagger documentary and singing and stuff; that really charged me up and made me feel EXTREMELY alive and fun!

August 15, 2005


I dreamt that Taylor and I were like married or seriously dating or something because we were at some place with a wakeboard (LO) with the rest of my family. We had wild sex every night in oru room and she kept saying she was sore from these new positions I was trying and “pounding”. But I said she must have been sore from wakeboarding. Thomas kept talking about using the zodiac and we had a wakeboard and two skis.

August 20, 2005


I dreamt that I was in Chicago. James and I were going out to a bar. I ran and showered and got dressed. The bar turned into this outdoor area with trees and the zoo was nearby and then james and I wanted to go see the elephant exhibit. Before the party I made a drink with two shots of this special alcohol (tequila) and I had james try some because it wasn’t like a m-80 bang!, it was like this building actual firework. I started cooking these mini-wok dishes (with woks the size of your palm and really small ingredients) after the bar in MI somehow I kept doing the eye-avoid contact thing with dad, too, when I was making the woks.

August 23, 2005

For College


I had this crazy dream where I was at Latin – the roof of latin I think – and will naito and maybe some other big guy were all dressed up with their hair slicked by spitting onto this ledge/centerpiece playing some tobacco game and whoever’s saliva landed closest to something one this “taco of rolled up tobacco”. One guy called it a tobacco taco, then I said it was like a “tacky taco”. Weird stuff. Something like the huge Indian Jones boulder occurred and that was that.

Chicaog Second City

Chris Farley

John Candy

Bill Murray

Steve Carell

Tim Meadows

Mike Myers

John Belushi

August 27, 2005


I napped from 4pm-5 today right before James b-day dinner in 430 top floor the lower bunk bed. Dreamt that Darcy bonner, or someone really tall, came into the room over there and I screamed “out imp-demon, out!” Really weird, like exorcist stuff, but I was just calling darcy an imp-demon.

then mom really did walk in that time a little bit later and it was so weird because she looked so much like darcy – weird how I thought that before it happened, like the strawberries (and the strawberry patch lady dying) awesome stuff. Love life to the fullest. Swieng he pauof oi aclajrleadldjljklajkld jfldfhjsdlhw w just stick to self and lalaalsfjosdk lj.

Goals and plans are truly part of a fantasy, and are part of a dream life. They rarely get accomplished and people focus on them excessively without living their life. They become so focused and fixated on arranging things to be occur, they don’t produce any kind of certainty and live in a fantasy world governed by goals and dreams. An actor’s job, therefore is to make this person – the person reading self-help books, lead by goals – realize that truly living is living the dream. If they are excessively focused on goals, the focus on living life by habit, telling the same things over and over again, until life becomes habitual. People rarely go hay-wire now, and if you’re just operating by habit, then you’re not really living.

I realized out of career, financial, mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual healht. I am 150%, A++++ on the last four, but about a C- or something on the first two. They are all interrelated, physical health was so important itec. and that metnal, emotioan psirit waves in– I see those strong connoectan daohteo aofhasdlkf sjdlfksdajfklas jasdlk;fgasdlkfsd;lkf sdfsadfgsadf sdfsdf

• DreamDream

September 3, 2005

o I dreamt I went to some science professor facility like the science room at Latin, and I went up to a guy that looked just like Reed Fellars – it was Reed Fellars. He looked at my transcript and told me that I was done! His hair was neatly combed and he was wearing a green tucked in collared shirt, but he was definitely there .

Deram dream


dreamd I went for a long run in Chicago, came back late at night sneaking in so no one new I was athere. James and dad were having a conversation upstairs and I could hear them because of a baby intercom. James came out of the bathroom crying saying he had been doing drugs in there (dad sound just lik papa and said, I don’t carre if you shoot a cap up your but oar some ) but I do crae about this, and the y rushed to the outside alley way bckyard and coverd up the cigariette butt,s and then they saw m in the bathroom and I had heard the – really a combinton of having seen Ordinary people and machinist and exoirti and papa home veidioes really

Deram dream

woke up at 745 ran 3.1 miles, wore yellow power tie with dress clothes had very interesting class – said a few things, but few had read ncle tom’s cabin; had ENORMOUS amounts of things to say; afterwards, heard that grace wanted me to trash my program and throw out the disks! Total crazy person, and I told her to stop having evan be your little minio and it is as much oru problem as yours our my problem and I put an enojrmous amount of stuff into it over the weekend and the freak wwalked away from me, shut her door and locked me out! Then I went and got a ton of food, three packages including my bike, which I erally don’t use that much, found out I got 4 A’s in a row this summer (KILLER AWESOME Whoo-whoo! That is so great! I was having fun with the classes, that’s why!) swam at 2:10, then did a little library work, checking out books and ran, got a bunch of stuff at king soopers, like mucho mucho yogurt and stuff and had an awesome time! Made pasta and this rocks@


dreamt that james, Thomas, and I slept in some desert and insects – centimpedes and gross arthropods – crawled in our sleeping bags so we went insie but it took a while for them to get ou; we were at a fancy restaurant and dad took some bread from the table as we were leaving, while we distractd the maitre de.

I dropped some coins in front of the elevator and beah had to hold open the door; then dad r james pulled the fire alaram to keep the door open, when we got to oru floo,r people thought tere was a fire so we laughed



Had wild dream. Dreamt that someone was talking about a really smart guy but something happened to his heart of blood or something and he became a pansexual obsessed with sex (thought they were talking about me). Then in the Chicago basement, taylor Carlson was over and she had massive boobies and about 4-5 eyebrows (all different colors like messed up plastic surgery). I squeezed her boobs and fooled around sitting different ways in those chairs, dry fucking. Then we decided to go into the bathrrom and I did some major boob (over-the-shirt)squeezing there. Then that worlf-runner-sierra’as boyfriend guy showed up and we were about to both have sex with taylor or something. James was playing with blocks or something outside and saw us three – I locked the door, but he looked shocked. Mom and dad must have found out because dad came down in a suit before work and, although he didn’t look into the bathroom, told me to remember this card someone had sent about “Be like abe Lincoln and you’ll do right” or something along those lines. It was primal sexual urges verse societal expectatiosn (id verse superego). It was probably one of my mmost vivid sex dream.s

Strange how I got so horny and before I was overwhelmed with thigns to do. I should recoginzie that and love life to the fullest – keep doing thigns and when you do something out lf aling, (like skipping class today), it leads to do things more out of line, etc.



Weird Dream. I dreamt that Taylor was over and was in one the bunk beds that James and I used to have (it was in thomas’s room). I wrote her a nice litter or something and she said it wouldn’t work out between us because there wouldn’t be emotional chemistry or something and she would just be my whore, or something weird. But I looked at that as just playing hard to get. Then I ended sleeping with (it was formal – like assigned roommates or something) with this fairly hot girl wearing a green shirt. She was in a programming class, so I shared my comp. sci. 1 experienece. Apparently she was making a basketball court game. She had imported this mod from another classmate and made a full-court game. I gawked because I only made a half-court program. Then we started to have dry sex and I kept grabbing her boobs underneath her shirt, and she was doing the motions but still looking back at the computer and talking about computer science! Weird. Then I ended watching, or in, something cartoon-like, I think I was (or atleast the protagonist) like some tazmanian devil-like person. A friend was about to leave on a big trip and had shared “Indian Swedish Fish” with people. I thought I wouldn’t get any because I showed up to this party late. I was sitting on the steps as the guy was about to pull away in a cab and he said goodbye and threw a bag at my. “Five Indian Swedish Fish,” he called as the cab sped off. I ate some and ran after him to thank him. The bag caught a big gust of wind and I actually floated off the ground, but then my taste buds kicked in and the Swedish fis hwer eextremely spicy. When the spice kicked in, I lost all of my flying momentum and hit the ground. Wild Weird dream!



Weird dream, I dreamt my family and I were loading up this mini-van that hold all these hors d’oere food things in it. There were banana chips, some rock candy, and all this silver platters of food. I got in a fight with my family aobut stuff and had two bags I was consolidating. This woman in a beige car drove into this parking lot nearby and almost hit me and I flickd her off. At the end I put in a movie that was a taping of some lawyer or something important and my mom started to write something on my chest and I got mad thinking she was doing a tattoo. Really weirdly kind of warped dream.


DreamDream. LOTS of juicy crazy dreams last night. Dreamt that we were at beah’s house and mom and dad told uncle paul and aunt mary that sometimes I said I went to bed early, except paul was more like Anthony robbins, and mary was just totally different (not really the aunt mary I know). They said they could understand that if it was 11, 1130, 1145, 12, but I said it was sometimes 6,630, 7, then they said “steve, come on. We’d know you were up to something”. So they called me steve (prefontaine? Were they implying? Not sure).

In an earlier dream I thought james should write a book “Playing your Ace: Knowing when to draw, bluff, fold, or raise in academics to get As” all about playing the acaedemic poker game to get As.

Damn, I had lots of other dreams, too.



Slept in closet 2nd floor 430 again. Weird dreams.Dreamt that Mr. Hegellund was making us do some singing party bonanza type thing, going away ting that had to do with some kind of ship-like HMS experience. Dreamt that Brett, as some going away present of bday present gave me an extra large $21 doll bill, about 1.75 times as large or 2 times as large and said that it could actually be spent (was worth about $0.04 I think).

Before that I dreamt there was this huge ferocious dog that get viciously barking at me and the owner said he only barked at people he was friends iwt hor something. Kira was interwoven in there somewhere, too.



Dreamt that Ms. Clayton gestured and smiled to me regarding 430, hinting that that was the best place for me. Then a bike was delivered to 430.

Then I was in a totally different scene, walking downtown and ran into a cool guy, driving this really hot girl. I had just ditched this kind of dork/obnoxious guy and I said to the cool guy and girl that we should pick him up (none of us wanted to in the first place, so I shoul have said “there’s that guy. I don’t know if you could fit any more in your car!”) Then the “car” became a red tractor attached to some contraption that felt like the backseat of a car, except that the front was a tractor! Then there was this hot, buff, swimmer girl, he had a sixpack on her back by her spine and the car ended up carrying about 5-6 people, somehow my brother came along and he was sniffling like he was sad. By that time, I was so uncentered and focused on other people that there was no way I could possibly have a chance of hooking up with that initial hot girl when it was just three people including me in the car!

Moral of the story, don’t overstretch myself to be nice, that is recipe for frustration and disaster.

-9pm-10am; got 13 hours of sleep, made cornbread, eggs, did jumble, re-hung picture in my room. Wrote and finishedthe stolen-speakers story, it’s 1pm, now.



Dreamt that I was in some kind of math class talking to a person that could have been (atleast strongly resembled) Tal madanes. Jimmy Davis was there, too. The professor looked like a Dany tynan, but very vicious . Tal said he had gotten a high score (I think it was only in the 5 or 600s) on some standardized test (SAT, possibly?) and then Tynan yelled in front of the whole class, that his father had signed him up for a handi-capped Israeli version, and that he wasn’t that good at mouth and then he screamed and wrote on the board that tal was an introvert. Meanwhile, I reworked math problems I knew how to do while jimmy worked ahead almost all the problems in the class.

This dream implies negativity by making me erroneously think tha themy awesome GRE was illegit, I am like tal madanes, and that I don’t work ahead. That GRE couldn’t’ have been more official! I am in much better shape than tal, we have similar habits of eating food and reading books, but everyone does that, I knew him, I am no where as talented as him with punting in soccer, I am MUCH faster, possibly smarter in some areas for sure, and totally different. I do work ahead but hope I can do more of it. Also, I hope I can accept that French, and othe rsimilaritiates might occur with tal, but hope that I never have bad qualitites that resebmel anyone. And laove itlaei ujamf..




Dreamt that I was in a school (like City Day)wearing my three-piece suit vest. One girl student, Mary, I think — that resembled james in some way — was saying how cool her model plane was with the grey parts. Another student was saying that it wasn’t real and was just fake plastic. They were fighting and I broke them up, and told mary to recognize the other students argument of avoiding over-indulgence and I told the other student to recognize Mary’s argument of the power of belief. Then I told those two people, which were family, if dinner was on that friday. I said that Jeff Cathey wanted to have dinner with me or a meeting arrangement on Friday, but I was already having dinner with Matt Birnbaum; they suggested that I talk to them later



Dreamt that other people were putting on diaper-pants, too. I can’t wear my mom’s sport-jacket, nor my dad’s stuff. I MUST. It is absolutley vital to pick out and decide with tremendous selective attention exactly the things you want or do not want. Accepting things that you did not pick out causes tremendous problems. For example, take an example of purchasing a bike. You go to the bike store and salesmen throw the top-line models at you, the best deals, and you decide and purchase a bike. However, if you asked questions about where to find a certain type of bike, and then discovered a catered option of those bikes, you would then find many examples that you like and purchase one. Frequently we accept things that are given to us that do not fit our life, our psychology, our agenda, our priorities. These — if they are not quickly discarded — become tremendous burdens. They weigh us down. Look at clothing. I wear have 2 suits to choose from, one blazer, a few pairs of casual pants, some athletic clothes, and casual shirts — that’s all. However,

2/11/06 DreamDream

Dreamt there was this hot woman and this contractor old guy and they hired me as a narchitect. I earned $5000 showing up monday and wednesday with a minor degree in architecture and making a few cuts. I jokingly said there are some architects, I am sure — that call in and order a protractor on their vacations because they need to work!

2/12/06 Sun

5:56 DreamDream

Dreamt that I went back to CCDS. There were three people on the green playground field. One of them was Christopher Uthe. Him, and some other people (james maybe?) started sending emails on this row of computers that was in the grass. We were sending emails to people and to the other people in the row of computers. He was sitting next to me and I apologized to him for ever being mean to him or insulting him behind his back. Then mike maizels was suddenly at one of the computers. I said that I apologized if I ever excluded him to talk to with CCDS people (that’s kind of what I needed to do then to talk to uthe).

REALIZATION: I realized this is the 9th step of the 12-step program (making amends; unless amends would injure people). I am totally cleaning my body and mind of impurities.

Then I dreamt Brynn and I were having sex and we were playing this game of letting one person just totally do whatever to the other person who had to not touch at all but just submit –then we switched, taking turns. Very hot image.

I dreamt that I might have tried to make out with that breck-liike person and then punch him. Wasn’t sure if I was fighting or connecting with soem men. The brynn scene was REALLY hot though.

I realized I allow people to distract me SO SO much. Immediately after making a schedule of things I wanted to do, I saw a woman carrying some bread and I thought she was signalling me to grocery shop instead. I do that because of Doubt! I doubt the order of my schedule and have people influence it. The old saying: “if you don’t program yourself, people will program your life for you. You must have a plan or else someone else will create that plan for you. You have to fight for your agenda because everyone gives messages about what you should do with your agenda. Recognize that your business, minding whatever is on your schedule is not only the most important thing in your life, but it gives you the freedom to truly live your life with full dynamism. My schedule got warped when thomas came home b/c I went out of my way to talk to him instead of focusing on the damn schedule! Also, with the improv stuff, too. I need to really really focus on the schedule and mentally visualize each step, for it to hold! Just like a marathon!



DreamDream. Very interesting dream. A lot of Latin stuff, James stuff, and hot big-boob girl stuff. This big-boobed girl in a white shirt was shadowing me at Latin, we bought lunnch together and she said somethign like, “it’s okay for the strong people to go more than twice (in regards to sex”, so maybe she was hinting at we’d have sex 3 times. Then we sat down with my family and James and I got in a fight and I was chasing him around the lunch tables, but then we ended up joking and having an awesome time — really connecting. Dr. Thornton was talking the whole time in teh background, too.

Enuresis last night. First time in a long time. Here was my day yesterday: Ran at 10am, then Xport swim 8 and ran mile and lifted. Met Angie in pool — very cool woman from missouri — talked about valtudo, kung fu, martial arts, swimming, biking and running, and how I might go back to my old dojo and how she was into advertising and was thinking about getting back into martial arts, too. Then I stopped in fleetfeet znd talked with this woman about naturally-ocurring pronation (frequent), neutral (fairly frequen) and supination (very rare), and how you should look at your natural state (of poor eye sight or something) not as defects, but as somethign that should be embraced as an indication of what’s intrinsically best for you. She was maya clone and it was definitely a fight. Then I talked to 2nd City people, went home, signed up for a second city class, ironed my clothes, had a burrito, called Dr. P, got in suit, practiced VYL, left saw Paul, talked about hockey (and at bars), picked up suit, went to City hall, filled out business license form, checked out the city clerk’s office, (met two woman that SERIOUSLy resembled lara and brynn from Xport) then stopped at Latin and saw a Quarter of thomas’s game, then came home, watched news, and went to sleep at 9:30. Feel rested, awesome and alive!



Dreamt that i was at the parson’s house and I needed something from one of the trunks of their cars so I went out and opened all the trunks and found some kind of battery booster and hooked that up for fun, I must’ve found some maps or something, so I was looking at those (I felt like Kramer in jerry’s apartment) then I looked up in horror and saw that peter parsons was sitting in the car (waiting for a ride) and had seen me going through their trunks. It was okay though.


Okay, wok-up at 6am, showered, ironed my clothes from last night, had cereal, read paper, talked to mom, then dad, then jack (jack is SO cool), the ultimate compliment I want to say to jack that I think it’s a compliment, it depends on what you think of me, that determines it as a compliment about the brother thing. i should’ve just said, It’s true, you are alike a stepbrother. it’s 930am now, and I plan to go running soon.



Long, elaborate, amazing, fun, happy dream. It was happy because it had some fun, amazing people from my past in it. First off there was this some kind of camp. Erica brooks was reading by this tree and I walked by her and then walked by her again, she said, “You look dizzy” to go see these three soccer fields (some other group, JV, and varsity). At the varsity field, all the players were in white, but were playing each other. Camilo (ccds) asked me (Or I asked him, I forget) if there were any napkins and he was with a girlfriend of his. Then it flashed to definitely the CCDS cafeteria. Jimmy, some other people (jeff z, bret, darcy, maybe maren, definitely Dr. Shultz, alexa?) were sitting, scattered around the cafeteria tables all our current age, about, I went over to one table and picked up the yellow napkin holder and and distrubed napkins very lavishly, extravagantly, saying , “here are the napkins, napkins, servielletas”. Then I joked to the CCDSers that whenever we went to McDonalds, “Ronald Mcdonald was always there”, and I was hinting that Dr. Shultz had dressed up like Ronald Mcdonald. Shultz then laughed and said to me, “you faxed it to me”. I had faxed some things to other people earlier on and guess that weaved into it.

April 5, 2006


Dreamt I was in SB, said I was going to Florida, I think for a weekend, with Jamie Del Rio (maybe?) but then went biking on this beachfront trail with Tom fort and did some awesome fun surfing at this beach point.

I remembered how exceptional I was outside the Coral when Cortland and Graham were there. I wanted to stay out in the water, but cortland went in so I went back to shore, but I loved it out there adn rocked. I’m pissed my board got swept away. I will get a great board back, I know it!

3 hours Later

Dreamt I was on the bus and peopel were discussing the words respect versus reverence. Someone said that reverence was about titles, I think. Before that some guy, I think, asked if he knew Morpheus or if I knew morpheus or someone like that and then got off and transformed or something. Then I was defintiely in the 428 Kitchen and someone was talking about managing challenges and I used the example of a class, saying, yeah if your’e in a Calculus 7 class and you’re struggling iwth it…then the person said yeah, the normal reaction would be that Calculus 10 would be harder, insinuating that if you were exceptional at matyh, Calculus 10 would be easier because it woudl be goign more at yoru pace! Then I remembered the Calc.1 class with the tropical shirt guy.

Math, I feel, truly organizes your brain on a superb level!


Dream Dream

Dreamt an awesome dream. I flippered up onto boat very much like the SEA boat, and they said I had to take my flippers off, and ther ewas josh petty and some friends. George bush and donald Rumsfeld were on the boat in suits and there were bickering and fighting about something. I looked at my small cramped, claustrophic bed space and then put flippers back on, dumped my waterproof bag overboard and dove in the water and swam away! What I really wanted to do!


Wierd Dream:

Dreamt that I was watching this bigscreen movie in a theater with some red chairs covered and I could change the tape to the sec ond movie, but there wer esome people looking at aps in the basement, and this huge fat guy got bowling balls put on him, then I ignited him on fire and quickly got myself in a stone fireproof rom, so I was safe.


Wierd Dream


Was at some convention where larry king spoke, but he looked and acted like Dan Miller from the C Innovation Awards, and george bush was there. There were all these sophisticated, smart, hippie-nerds well dressed that seemed to be like my group. This old beth-like woman gave me a 2nd parking ticket and I complained that I was right there and put the coin in immediately after. There were pods of groups/cliques I was trying to find mine. The shaved head, clean, clear, smart, group pf people seemed to be a connection.

August 27, 2006

130 Palm Tree Lane

Catching major up on sleep.


Very vivid dream and with only one other person, my computer programmer friend, RV. This is strange because usually my dreams were smorgasbords of flashes of friends, this was just solidly RV. We met for a “friend-reunion” very casual business meeting in a nice restaurant. His computer business had grown to about 20 employees. He mentioned how much food he had eaten a few days ago (obviously biking/eating was an undertone). I commented on how he will always be a better coder.

Obviously my recent coding sparked this dream. I was thinking any idiotic college bloke can read a book and call himself a literary genius but math — math builds upon previous learning and seems like the most impressive form of learning.

Tom Kuczmarski is a brilliant saint; a kind, kindred spirit; a generous, benevolent soul; a miraculously intelligent individual, the epitome of a smooth, smart, strong, individual.

Spending time in LA — outside of school and my parents house is a Terrific reality check because it seriously has me

August 29, 2006


Very vivid, real, and intriguing dream. Dreamt that I was with my old city day peers, and a few people from highschool. There was this selection process that was very ceremonial — like a trial or a wedding procession. Bret walked down this aisle and then proceeded to drip/feed a slice of orange to all of these girls (Kira, Alexa, Anna, Jacqui and others that seemed familiar) and then he picked one to be his wife. Then I did the same and bret brought the orange, I joked that I was the ring-bearer at his wedding (which is like Uncle Paul) and discussed how I was going to pick Alexa, Jaquie, or this other person, all of them ate the orange but those three . Then I was walking around still trying to decide and Kira popped up saying what Justin had said about the field earlier was totally fake. I had missed kira in the process. Also, Justin seemed to be untrrustworthy. I went through a dilemma of kira all those other three and thought about both and then thought about how awesome my life would be if I was so instantaneously decisive always making the correct decision, that decisiosn never existed.

On that note, I realized that if I had more money, I could do anything. I could just drive to my grandmother’s because I wanted to and I wouldn’t have to worry about brining food, or a place along the way because with money, wherever you are, that has what you need, mroe or less.


DreamDream —

Dreamt aunty joann was using the cateye stationary outside the 428 kitchen bathrroom and said she liked it better than her bike (which I told her I rode) then she fell over in the bike.

Uncle dean ran a 4 minute mile and a doctor came up to him and told him he woudl pay him if he stopped running for his health. He said he traiend to eat all this food and then ran it again very well.


the similarities between uploading data and plugging into the matrix as Jonny/Neo are huge. You can see strong resemblances between teh movies. Keanu was cast as a partial-neo long before matrix in this flick. the don’t hit his head thing was pretty itneresing. way I feel sometiems with massive inforamtion sessions donwload/upload. the villian is a pretty cheesy actor.



Dreamt I was staying at beah’s house and went to school, but was in 5th-8th grade or so. I walked home with a pack of kids to this one kid’s house. He had this cool tram “gondola-like” lift that had a red/green, on/off switch to turn on a radio frequency recieving device. It had those jumbo headphones that you could listen to the radio, too. We watched a really good movie with the kid from a “perfect world” in it. The next day I snuck back into that kid’s house and watched the movie, but then all of his family and relatives came home and I told them the walk back would have been too problematic. Clint Eastwood was there and some other actors. They weren’t bothered at all and asked me to help fill the stockings! Eastwood was holding the kid from the movie and I told him he was AWESOME in “a perfect world”.


AMAZING night out in chicago party scene. Met up with Johhny B at The Spot. He had a TON of energy. It was athletic one-half, improv-folk the other half. Met this fairly sexy, hot actress woman with the electric shock jolt hand shake, another nice looking hot woman and some other blokes. Then rolled to exedus 2. Some of the best dancers I’ve ever seen in my entire life. LOVE — I LOVE the jamaican scene. The intense rasta music I LOVED. Totally Totally Totally blood was very entertained and maybe connected with that. Afterwards, I went to Dueling Pianos and talked with this like 35 year-old woman about me wearing a three piece and she knew that I was 22 some how. She then introduced me to other women to meet. I really liked her, though! I also realized, she was kind of like alexa, and her friends like zoe, and/or taylor. VERY cool and alive awesome stuff. Good tricks I learned were to tense stomach INTENSELY and READ the signs. My biggest flaw and fallacy is thinking I know it all, when I MUST read the signs of PEOPLE — about what I should say/do. Then I whipped the british accent and some AWESOME dude kept trying to introduce women to me. A lot of love there. That dude



Dreamt I was in an indoor pool, kind of like a lake, swmmin on my own but doing dives and under water swims. The rest of the “group” was practicing paddling in a yellow survival boat. I pranked sneaking up on them underwater, afterwards I seemed to notice people’s fear-meter more. I shook Kieth fort’s hand and his blood pressure (or fear meter?) dropped then I shook it again and it went back up . A woman resembling Mark’s daughter (in MI) we had three chances to hook up, first going into a place, next with a little clothing, and next naked. I saw her naked when talking to keith.

I am feeling more and more aware that my “intelligence”, like everyone’s intelligence is an act. I know how to act, sound, and “be” in telligent. That’s the glasses ,intellectual act. I want to work on my acts of Romanctic (fun, loving, affectionate, nice, generous, kind, sexy, seductive, attractive) and Defense (serious, cutting, aikido reflex, barrage, arsenal of comebacks, intense). The Intelligent act is fantastic for successs, image, and progress. The Romantic is great for happiness, identity — namely women, and surfing. The Defense is a stabiliizer it keeps me moving forward by fending off people who attack me in either the Romantic or the Intelligent acts. The Defense ensures positive, STABILIZED movement. So how do I


Dreamt the cottage in SB was HUGE, you could see zcross massively and it was mom’s office and you could park cars in there it was so big, There was a MASSIVE conference room a pciture of william wallace braveheart and it was like a fully decorated warehouse. A little pool guy was working on some small pool outside and it was a secret how big it was.


Ransdells last night (their awesome m



Great Dream. Dreamt I had some beautiful hot indian woman and we all got gifts or something. I wanted to make my kid a bow and arrow set or a canoe or something. and she kept hunting/gathering. and someone else kept shooting arrows

January 9, 2007


Really freakish dream. Dreamt I was punching this little mini-dude and I hurt him so I ran off and then ended up in a Becket Rooms and no one new it was me acting until I told them, then when they cast new parts they let me in because they new I could and wanted to, I volunteered to do the elevator social-work.


I am never going to do what my father does for a living — consulting ,teaching, writing — in the way that he does it because it’s ineffective; his classmates aren’t engaged, his readership won’t make changes and his clients don’t really want to change. I’m committed to the passion that Steve Irwin lived by. He brought out the best of people by thrusing real live animals in their snobby lives. His inconquerable enthusiasm was indomitable and he was an amazing person.

Jan. 20,2007


Okay weird, very vivid dream involving a marathon, sex, hookups, and the beach. First off, dreamt I ran a marathon in Chicago. The city had planted new horizontal trees where the old one used to be and I was in a car for the first few miles of the race but there was a lot of traffic so I got out and ran it. But also in the car was this French-speaking/foreign woman who had taken her top off (she was treating the car like a cab). I think tdk had been driving nad beah was in the car. But when I got out, the foreign topless woman followed me and it turned out to be Angelique (the hottest woman I’ve ever seen). I somehow had swimming trunks on and had only my credit card. We ran down the beach passing a surf instruction class. I told her people were learning to surf. My credit card broke/tore. We swam out a little bit a way from shore (it was a crowded beach and it could have been pacific coast or Lake Michigan. Then she started giving me a blow job off and on while I looked her boobs and we hooked up in the water. There was another couple hooking up and I video taped us and this other woman asked me to secretly video tape them and then I woke up.

January 20, 2007


Cleaned the house and closets with susan

February 19, 2007


Dreamt I was roommates with brett and I wanted to send a lot of stuff (beach hat, bottle of fluid, candy, clothes) to kira hesser via an owl, but I had to be selective so the owl could fly. Bret asked what I wanted to do and I said “go meet girls”, then he said, okay, we should get loosened up and have some drinks first. Before that a bunch of us were on the beach and we swam out to an island and then island hopped.

So cmmon themes: city day friends, beach, Hawaii, harry potter

Feb 20, 2007

Okay realized tom is comfortable talking to me about moving out (doesn’t like talking ot me about a job); susan is comfortable about talking to me about a job (but not moving out)! Resolution: try talking to tom about job and susan about moving out – that’s their areas of expertise. Susan knows all about moving out; tom knows all about professions. Jolly good. Or just talk to them about what the tendency is.

February 21, 2007


Great wild dreamt. Dreamt I was with City Day and SEA students, seth (CCDS), Siana (SEA) and others and we were at some retreat camp. I got a great photo-shoot with this beautiful tan-skinned Japanese woman wearing a flower bikini. I put my camera on a pedestal and set the timer and ran over to this fence and climbed up to get a self-timer photo of me and 3-4 other friends that were there, and it timed perfectly, but when I got back to the camera, Justin had taken out the battery and/or flash and said it didn’t work, but he just broke it on purpose. Next we were in some lodge-like hut place with separate lines and I was fascinated and turned on by the Japanese women in there. Seth complained about soreness in his leg and the Japanese woman described where it was. I was like “how do you know that”, she said because of the way he walked, but it could’ve been because of how he walked, if he had told her about his aches, or if she had had sex with him. I went with to this other group with this Chinese woman and they right all kinds of numbers, hieroglyphics, and japanese characters on our hand with a magic marker, for some kind of game or group id.

Feb 22, 2007

Rule 1 in life: You can’t talk about what you dislike; you can only talk about how much you enjoy and appreciate things you do like. If you know what’s good for you (more specifically, if you know about the law of attraction), you won’t waste time focusing in on what you dislike. The more time you spend criticizing things you dislike – even if the focus is a loathing distaste – you’ll be more apt to be forced to work with that situation again.

Great realization. People in your life aren’t real. You create them. It’s all a dream. The integrity of the globe depends purely on your mind. Most importantly, you don’t have to feel bad for people because they aren’t real. Don’t feel bad for something that doesn’t’ exist. Parents are the perfect example because they, remember, say things and say things completely contradicting themselves the next day. They completely and totally aren’t real). What does this do for your mind? It ridicules being negatively (or even positively) affected by them, because they don’t exist. Would you be severely impacted by a step you step on? No, it’s not a real person. This makes you feel clear and good and strong because you can stay focused on multiplying your existence with verisimilitudes not from the soul, or deviating from certainty, but the heart – the greatest source of epiphany and originality. You don’t have to try to impress them just as much as you don’t have to make them laugh. They don’t exist. Enjoy that.

March 28, 2007


428 Roslyn

1st dream facing north-west. Dreamt I was doing this nirvana obstacle course where you had to tangle and go over these horizontal bars all with the nirvana lyrics playing on them or you had to sing them. Alexa and molly were watching. Then when I completed it, I got to suck alexa’s boobs and have crazy sex.

2nd dream facing north-east.Dreamt I was on the beach and my total body was tan – tan, warm, brown colors — and I had the hair that went up and back, not a fro, but slicked up, and I always talked to a person when I landed from surfing, landing perfectly next to them — it was smooth. Then there was this dude on the beach like ramon. Then there was this hot blond-haired woman on the beach who had her laptop and we flew back and I was going to SB and she was going to Canterbury tales, and then I kind of started following her.

3rd dream facing north-west. Dreamt I was some teacher in a school and I got these kids to stop smoking by saying, “If you stop smoking, you’ll be a knock-out”. It turns out that “knockout” meant that they’d get to fight in some UF fight. Then I saw these kids smoking hookah-bong hits out of this mini trainset and I said if they stopped doing that, their grades would sky-rocket. Then at the end of the year all of them stopped doing the bong hits and we did this zero-gravity plane ride. So I got them to stop smoking and bong hits.

April 4, 2007


Dreamt I was in Michigan or something and went for a run. When I came back holly from the TF class (She had somehow taken the class) was there (and so was maya and other people but I didn’t focus on them). I probed her for info on the class and she said that it WAS destructive and it did target me. Finally some clarity on that; that made me feel better. Then we were all in the MI kitchen and tdk made some awkward move with ssk (like the too-early grab for a boob on a first date) and I asked about randy and someone being gypsies, and then we were going to Michigan that day. Maya clicked my glass on something trying to “act intimate” and I clicked it but then I clicked thomas’s to make it seem negligible and that was that. Solid. I felt MUCH more clear around holly than maya. The best part was I started telling stories and feeling my old self then we got a funny picture of someone (maybe the kokatays) holding james ,Thomas, and my laundry. Wow, insightful dream.

MARCH 6, 2007


Wow, my dreams are really shaping professional opportunities for me! I dreamt this woman in a parking lot – after some race? – asked I I was the one who had tried to give her massage advice. In short, Istarted a side massage business.

I really can picture my self with 3 business cards for each of these three business! Sweet and it wouldn’t hurt to run them all because I would only gain more clients. There wouldn’t be any downside in other words! Wow, this is some great realizations. This is BRILLIANT! Because I’ve had an enormous amount of opportunities and time to successfully and creativiely care for and nurture my body, heart/emotions, and mind and now I can do that with the three businesses – validatelife, PRO, and spyderbyte.



Dreamt I was in italian class and they were handing out chickens in an assembly line!

Major realization here. I realized that I get so frustrated with my dad because his presence causes me to trigger a reaction wehre I feel guilty if I don’t entertain him with acting, and actions, and movements, and all this shit. And the exchange that we’ve set up is that I do that and he gives me “wisdom” that he thinks is valuable, but that I, ultimately, don’t want to hear. The catch is that I DO like entertaining for people. Except that I would much rather have them change and be inspired by the entertainment, instead of simply getting a kick out of it, which is what my parents do.


Look at them for entertainment – their usually is none. That one dude at the club was really focused, which was cool, but other than breck, most people aren’tentertaining. Intellectual performer. That’s what I want to get paid for. That’s what I love to do. Intellectually perform!! But here’s the thing with pay, I’ll entertain if I have to.

March 25, 2007


Dreamt I was at a concert and had to play the drum thing of Jane’s Addiciton song. Darcy ran into me and said that Anne Liggio made him a copy of the mix I gave her. There also was a lot of great presentation stuff. VERY cool, colorful amazing dream

All my dreams the pst 2-3 days have been extremely colorful and lively and great, and then I wake-up to dark, miserable Chicago. Hopfully, I’ll find those good times wherever I am, in reaity.

June 15, 2007


Dreamt that this flow of animals came to 428. After a cat and then a loaf-of-bread sized mini golden retriever. A mean cat with a patched eye (and the rest white) scared some away, but then a fox came and some other animals to be cured, taken cared of, and/or healed. I took the first cat and the mini retriever in my car and headed out west I think. Last I remember was being on some beach.

Next dream was in some library where I saw a book Called “Saint…something” or “Prophet..something” about this spanish dude who looked exactly like me! black and white and very serious. But when I tried to get the other copy, I realize it had a diffferent cover and was really some indian book my parents had called “making people unlimited” or something (that totally wasn’t the name). Then my mom frantically started to take me to other bookstores to find books fora writing project.

June 16, 2007


Dreamt I was reading a piece of lettuce to my parents which explained this art challenge where you had to make or create art for a month so that other artists respected you as an artist, or actually believe you to be an artist!

I am learning SO much from my cat!! playing, behavior, how to connect and be certain! Everything baby! yeah. Also, regarding RotoA, I have to realize that if someone shuns me, it’s their loss, because it only helps people! It only is fun and surfing (ocean – me – with all that water) and wildness and that’s awesome! Also, there are always these little awesome “hints” like the women at ACS wearing shoe-booties like surfing, and the mini captain, (When you run) to make your dreams work out!

June24, 2007 10:57pm

Well, i killed the cat today. it’s neck snapped as it was flung across the woomafter it was recovering from refeeding and bloated stomach due to water inhalation.

This is a very serious email. It’s obvious to me that chicago and chicagoans seriously are not compatible with me, nor I compatible with them. They’re vile, disgusting, vomitous people. i’m sick of this sickeningly situation. but i don’t want to criticize them. That’s not fair. the best thing to do. the only thing to do is to get back to CA. That is where my heart is. That is where i want to be. CA is awesome!


Dreamt that I was in some big easter egg hunt – kind of dreary place – with friends. one guy was some bully who they sent to kill off a cliff, evyerone was happy, then a huge swarm of giant flying bugs was conjured.

June 27, 2008

9:48 Pm, DreamDream – Just slept from about 11am to now in MI cottage

Dreamt I was with these three hot, kitten/cat like girls who left a blue footprint, a yellow, and a red, and all went different directions. My dad showed up and saw the footprints after I talked with a doorman guy (like joshua), and after I played with the girls and after meeting with him, I was too serious to play with them anymore.

Basic themes: obviously shows negative impact father had on me.

June, 2007




Was on a boat

Viisited this huge house. It was just beth and I and beth was cleanig each of the 9 floors. There was an elevator, but just a platform that raised up and down. I went to empty the wastebaskets of the up 8 and 9th floors wile she was cleaning the 7th. She sounded like marley, breeze, and maren. i had a boner on the 8th and 9th floors. Then marely was angry about something and pused beth and was dangling on the t4th floor but survived.

Outside teer was 2 dogs that sat and watched.

Earlier I was on a ship.


very peculiar dream. Dreamt I was at this huge banquet with a lot of cobalt members, some african american women, and other people (about 20), and then we went to get cake and ice cream and I snuck some raspberry icecream that we weren’t supposed to have; then I made a toasst saying things couldnt be better: i was kind of involved in this band and things going great.

I remembered listening to lenny kravitz after visiting maya; rememerd tom fort’s teeth chattering; blind mellons in 5th grade; block spaceships in jk;


dreamt I was partners with this girl and she took massive notes about cube something and then about seaweed in the ocean; we were doing some kind of bball player. Early bauer saw this one play where I passed off the way to flip tot the other side of the cort (underneath the basket and it would work wih 2 other passers

themes: bball, ocean, project.\\L

later on emiy wickersham was definitely in the dream. There was this older man (dad from home alone). Emily wickersham left the room when he showed up because she didn’t like him, dropping me the hint that he wanted to be a doctor (he was a markteter or teacher now or something). So then I go up to him and say, something direct like , “so how’s it not being a doctor”. he’s startled and taken aback and says “what” and then go into details of teaching and that profession or something and he leaves stunned but in a better place (he might have been like greb baker)

Next uncle dean (and I am helping out somewhat( are cooking a huge dinne – like hundreds of people could be fed – but it’s in the 428 dinning room. Salad is a main course. There is a skunk-like dog and 2 rabbits running around that the kids are playing with, I sit down and eat a few bites and tehn go back to computer work in the next room. My laptop has about 50 chords on it. Tdk criticizes me for not eating. I come back for desset and he jokes, “well now I can pretend to eat with you” (because everyone else has eaten). I go into the kitchen and there is shrimp cocktail and tiramisu dishes to be sreved to about 100-400; uncle dean talk in huge detail about beer types. I realize that if you know a lot about everything, you can really thread in different people’s interests in a single conversation.

jul7 18,2007


VERY strange dream. dreamt I ended up back at 428. ssk and tdk wanted me to have breakfast, i didn’t want to, because it would mess up my run, pllus when I looked at the mini breakfast table, they were all in their same seats and eating 100% natural cereal and the whole table looked dark and dreary (good! i turned the color down on them!) Then I went upstairs and jsk was in the bathroom about to shower back from travel. I was excitred to see him; his hair was all combed over one side. i said he looked like jordon elliot and then he said he and jordan were going to make these types of nuts shere they cut one nut to make it look like another nut, (so it would look like an almond, but still taste like a pecan – weird). then ssk and tdk stormed upstairs to get me to go to breakfast. i hid in the luggage closet, but the door faced S instead of E. the went upstairs and said I don’t think he’s there. then I cranked the knob a bit and ssk found me. Then we were all in tmk’s room and tmk and I kept slapfighting each other. it looked kind of serious but it felt kind of fun. .tmk kept breaking us up and eventually threatened us so we stopped. finally we were looking at these two pieces of paper with lots of pairs of different colored shapes. each pair looked like the same color and shape, but when you saw the cheassheet, it was obvious that there wer hujdreds of subtle differences (whan said BAlmer the other said Balmer, for example).

July 18, 2007


dreamt i was in some gym. there was a snowman building thing and then we had to karata chop the snowball. I was in a group with seth, brett, maybe zack, justin? people like that. then I went to the front of the gym and came back and jeff z and d someone (darcy? probably not) missed the entire snowball on the karate chop, so I realized I was in the wrong group. my group was doing really well. hitting all the karate chops. The n bret d. decided to get this briefcse of i think $100 in coines all very neatly baggied and organized, etc. then we playede poker. I wanted to cash in our chips for real money but didn’t want to play with a hosue dealer.

10/8/2007 8:31 AM


Very interesting dream. Dreamt I went to church; a lot of colors and Alexa H sat next to me during service along with her sister. It was restricted talking because of the service, but I was very happy to see her. Told her about meg’s show; asked about some other stuff. Then I said I was profusely sweating because “I had been “praying” to meet up with her and now I jut met up with her in church!” Then I left supposedly for meg’s show. There was a LOT of vivid colors in the church . Then I masturbated to her breasts and ass; and to kira.


DreamDream dreamt I was pickup up leaf debris in Beah’s backyard, George, Nick, and some other smith came by and we went for a walk. Nick and I talked about not finding work, which just made me more frustrated. One guy had one of those mini-garbage sweepers he used on stuff.

11/21/2007 12:14 PM


I dreamt seth sinclair and I were talking to people around some school (like latin) for papwerwok. I tried to get all of my gym test physical body test results printed up with an extra copy, but needed an extra 100 dollars to pay this woman. I got infuriated at how the city always wants my money , and I don’t have any. I screamed Fkkkk around kids and hten ran with seth because some moms/teachers were tryig to figure out who said that.

Conclusions: I don’t feel like this is my life. In fact, I KNOW this isn’t my life. My life is saying my books out loud, it’s surfing, it’s living out doors, it’s with kids, it’s away from the paperwork, no it has TRANSCENDED paperwork.

Great wisdom from hiro allthroughout. This is a great show. MUST mult-tsask movies.



Brothers and dad and I were on some helicopter then a really high-up dock, and launched off a towel with a microchip in on it and prpelled it through slude stuff.charlie sheen and I were looking at gifts to buy denis richards One was a wierd loom, hammock-like bed, whicker. Then at 428, got dressed for party, wore 2 shirts, collared, and white pants with brown shoes and leather jacket. inroudced for like half a second, denise richards and chalrie to parents and JAmes, james kept saying he could proofread my paper (book report, contract,or speecb or something), we left me and denise richards snickering at james. Then charlie was stumbling and I went back to change pants to the white I think, beauase he was hit by a car, which was really smashed! Then at the ceremony, we at at high stool-like table chairs. and the guy from Magnolia and fargo kept commenting on chqrlie’s collar telling im to loosen it, denise and I played footsie. such a well-place(the type of dreams I want to have with celerity people I trust).



Dreamt that I had to transport these slimy, embryo-like penguin monkey things (they were bloody), and it took me forever to figure out that I had to pick them up from their feet. Maybe they were like wierd baby dinosaur-like creatures. There were like busienss people around who didn’t care about saving them or something.

Monday, February 11, 2008


DreamDream. I think I just had one of the most relaxing sleeps and drems of my life! I think I attribute it to the slow, gradual, peaceful, but definitely forward-moving Weekly review session I had last night right before going to be bed, while playing baroque music. I just picked up a slip of a todo and did it !!! then moved on to the next one, it wasn’t panic, it wasn’t jumping around, it was just doing the slips if I could and getting a TON done. Sleep was from 1130 – 930 so 10 hours and GREAT hours and SOoooo peaceful. The dream. I dreamt I was in a nice suit with a cheesy plaid jacket but I had to take photos with 2 women and rotate other two women. It was in som high-ceiling very fancy place like a very nice hotel, but quite ornate. The dad or photographer their said I was like “their baby”. Then I’m taking a photo with one girl and jessica farinella and I put my arm around jessica’s waste and I’m like “Jessica you have the same hip/waist size as you did freshman year!” and she started laughing because it was a nice compliment. She was reallly hot. awesome dream and VERY rejuvenating sleep! wow!

awesome dream and VERY rejuvenating sleep! wow! I also attribute it to teh peaceful awesome classical music, just that slow, deliberate, peaceful zen state of just knocking off those thigns in my NA, Actions, Reference, etc and PROCESSING and gathering everything in clubhouse and putting them in “Electronics – Misc” and “Hiking” bins and having the shed organized and reading my junior year journal and just FINALLy getting stuff done and having MASSIVE scope of everything I’m doing AND putting it in my_mind_updated. AWESOME. it’s so simpe, zen, stress-free, but also SOOO rpoductive and ontop of everything! Man, I haven’t felt this peaceful and clear and “in a peaceful zone” probably since I was bout 2 or 3!!!. Sweet! So realixing. I haven’t had a sleep like this in years!! It was magically soothing!

One thing I’m a bit pissed about is women never call me or hoook up with me after the first night, so I feel like i have to hook up with them the first night. That’s what I’d want, but it kind of bites that that’s the ONLY method of hooking up with them it seems.

I mean i’ve got the David Bach financial stuff aligned and KNOW how to handle finances for future Security Basket and plan to get the 6 -12 months of secuirty money tuckd away and have all that. And everything insanely, neatly organized in my-mind- it rocks!! And then I read EW right before going asleep which put me in that cool dream mode. fun stuff!

Saturday, February 16, 2008

SB Clubhouse 6am to 315pm sleep

DreamDream Wow, REALLY Different and COOL and comprehensive dream. It involved Taea, hawaiians, brad pitt, and surfing! I dreamt I walked around hawaii for awhile with 2-3 women. Then we ended up waiting in this restaurant where brad pitt ended up eating a doggy carton of chinese food. He had a huge throng of people constantly around him. In the dream he and I knew each other, like old CCDS friends. I waited for awhile and went up to say somethign to him, I think about surf. He just kind of smiled and was like “cool, awesome man” and was enthusiastic but curt and definitely had that “response that didn’t meet my expectations” but it was cool to see him. Then it flashed to a beach with long picninc tables and eating lunch. The storm surf was really churning up and this was all in hawaii. I realized I loved surfing. Surfing was more important than movies. I evne picture movie stars like brad pitt out on the water on the waves as that being an even more fulfilling profession for me and them. Taea was definitely there, then some HEAVY surf came in that started out far but churned up the seabottom like beachbreak.

Thursday, February 21, 2008

DreamDream Hella Weird dreamm!!! Dreamt that I had visited old latin. it was like a “becket rooms” play tal madanes was there in a raincoat sitting outside in the rain, but I had to rush by him because I had to get somewhere fast. so I couldn’t find out why he was outide (I later learned he had this fireman-like raincoat that I complimented him on, even though it lookd pretty ridic. but it was better than his old coat and efffectively waterproof. I think dani steele or someone else was doing something “weird” that made little sense at the time but I had to rush past it). Then I flashed to my parents 428 home. Dad was just laying around on the beds, and I only saw his feet! Finally, I applied to a job and got out of the house.Then I ended up i na gondola in Alaska, going REALLY high up. it was like a flying boat gondola. There was a mangy, fun-loving long-eared brown dog next to me and in the other end of the gondola-boat was someone like SSK and costin/stimpert or someone. They ketp commenting on how much better the dog was doing now on drugs. I gave the dog a hug and showed it some love so then I didn’t misinterpret that the were tlking about the dog, not me. I though I would have been treated less human having been on drugs. WOAH!! Signficance! Maybe all those people “back” at latin WERE doped up on drugs or their passsion killed by society!!! YEah, because it was dark and bleak there. then it was breck/stimpert/ssk who almost did that to me, but I excaped and can still be animal-like if I want, but live as a human. sweet!

Saturday, February 23, 2008


Weirdest pattern of multiple dreams.

Dreamt there was some dude who had viagra-like supplements and pills and enhanceers but they were in the form of green slimy slugs and weird sandy-balled-up spiders in a murky sand water jar. Apparently you ate them when they were “ready” for sexual enhancement and other supplements.

2. dreamt some kind of selection chain business thing I was doing, not sure.

Tuesday, March 4, 2008


WIerid dream. Dreamt I revisited Cityda. I was right outside the library (with all those red handles and white doors) with some paper work or something. Then I flashed to some empty room that was like a “place to stay” during a hiking trip. I remember trying to lay out beds on teh floor with elaborate arm-pillows without trying to bump legs with other people (I think seth s. was there and other peple). The hiking ‘rations” were like skittles and “bulk” supplies.

Wednesday, March 5, 2008


Robin williams on ball. lonely, then had class sat next to lyndsay caine, tabbi gillan, and someone else with a mni expresso, SOOOOoo much happier. So happier around women.

Wednesday, March 12, 2008


was at beahs. I “opened” at a dinner gaterhing then went to the other room with beah, and some oher people. Beah was talking about everythign she ate like “we’re gonna spread this buter on her, then we’re going to bite. then we’re going to start up digestive system and chew chew chew some more” a happy fun dream.

Then dreamt I was just active as heck with all these people. REALLY fun dream and energizing. I Dreamt I was like back in the highschool mode with cool fun times at latin. My PEAK! With soccer, swims, ease of friends, hillary and babes , FUN truly fun times! And good shirts and clothes. Fun stuff!

Friday, March 14, 2008

DreamDream. I dreamt that I shook hands iwth Jim Carrey and met jim carrey in teh flesh! I was so charged and he said I lookeed VERY serious about my interest in comedy because I was so excited to meet him. I expressed massive enthusiasm for his work and everything and then I someone was like “what else do you say”? I didn’t know. I felt like I should get advice on “how did he first start”, but I knew he’d just say open mic. It was weird because I didn’t know what I wanted. I was just so psyched to have met him, maybe I just wanted him to a be friend instead of give all this advice I already knew the answers to

Tuesday, April 15, 2008


Wild weird dream VERY long, complex and convolueted with different angels. One part was me biking to some downtown place. And there were 2 newspapers, one 1 quarter, the other 2 quarters. The .25 one had more comics and jumbles but was less informative, the other had great articles. I got the .25 this day, but the .50 one the time before.

Also earlier on in the dream something weird was going on with like compartment rooms in some house. wild. cool.

Sunday, April 27, 2008

DreamDream wierd dream.

Kool Cigarette Dream. Dreamt I got asked to do an ad for Kool cigarrettes. Some guy was like “you like Kool cigarettes, right?” I didn’t even really ahve time to respond. NExt thing I know because I wanted to or becaue they gave me some cigarettes I’m stnading their smoking a Kooz cigarettes and 3 celebrities wearing grey and black, mostly gray, like sweaters and stuff and jeans maybe or nice pants (brad pitt was one of them) shoot up and they all lock shoulders with arms around each other’s shoulders and then before I can realize who they are and that they are in the commercial with me they all like “vaporize” like vanish in the the air!

This was interesting dream because I couldn’t help but feel used to promote a product (tobacco)tha killed! That made me feel seriously discouraged, but it was awesome to be in a commercial filming with pitt and other big names, but the intention of that didn’t sit with me. Oly want to promote good productts but best of all QUALITY entertainment andbelief!! (comedy and drama)!!!

By the way, I feel GREAT that I stopped smoking after getting so violently ill. Seeing the ash, molten, dark, dusty, sooty, vile ash produced by the cigs, I am disgusted I inhaled that into my gentle, awesome lungs. I feel gross about doing that. Maybe one cig per week, but I really don’t want to smoke anymore. I did it out of nervous panic of not knowing what to wear, where to go, etc. it never helped. I thought I needed to do that to think of good things. NOT TRUE. By not smoking I can keep massively aligned with Consistently doing great thigns, instead of random one-teim good ideas, I would have thought calling chip if I hadn’t smoked a lot sooner probably! haha!!

Awesome that Ive gotten a few celebrity dreams. the jim carrey oen was MOST cool, though!

Tuesday, April 29, 2008


Exercise, breakfast, class, by something tasty and fun routine

I dreamt I had this routine. the dream was fairly bright and colorful so it was NOT a bleak routine, fairly stabilizing I guess. Anyways, dreamt I’d wake up every MORNING (not midday-evening) do a run (likely a run, some kind of workout), have the same breakfast (just a really healthy breakfast, likely not too intense, but definitely healthy and consistent, like eggs or something), then I’d go to class (like BC2 morning!?!!) then afterwards and This was the main part of hte dream (that you remember the most) after class I’d go into likely teh same grocery stoer (kind of felt like a Whole foods or possibly a trader joes) and then I’d by a fun snack (like muesli or cinnnamon rolls or chocolate bar or Toaster’s Struedle) for that night for dinner and I always got a red bull, too. Then I planned to do another workout (for some reason I envisioned the hot springs trails or the track in SB, but realized that workout could be surfing or anything or eliptical training or anyting) and then have dinner iwth that fun snack! That could really keep me going! The last time I cycled thorugh this dream (cylced through it probably 3-4 times atleast) the grocery people asked me if I was going to order chinese that night. mmmm!!

This dream setup an aligning structure with a wake-up morning workout day-starter exercise routine, then class, then a SNACK the snack is essential because it’s a reward after the FUN afternoon post class workout.

So the routine went Exercise-Eat-Class-Buy-Exercise-Eat (EECBEE)



consistent, healthy nutritius breakfast

class of some sort (like BC2 morning)

buy unique, tasty snack (okay to be sugary or slightly unhealthy –it’s a treat) and red bull

drink redbull

2nd type of workout ONLY FUN!! (sex, surfing, hikes, sprints, elipticals, swims, gym class like spin or yoga probably not though, another lifting session, tennis, basketball, soccer, another run, suntan by pool)

Have snack with fun dinner!

Meaning: this dream was providing me with GREAT, helpful didactic USEFUL structure!! During LPHS my “eating treats” was SOOO out of whack! I ate a cinnamon bun every morning, that unhealthy treat should be rare and at te end of teh day as a rwarrd not the beginning. During LPHS my day routine had NO, ZERO, logic to it. I’d eat a cinnamon bun, not tal most of hte day, go home, eat a packet of cookies because I’d be starving, then come track time, I had MASSIVE diarrhea from teh worst eating habits!!

Than god for SPTC and mexico, which TRULY flushed out my digestive system and reacquainted me with my soul. Then Acting corps (and consistent workouts and lifting during that) DEFINITELY reacquainted me with my healthy, now muscular!, body. Sweet!!

Man If I could do that!!! If I could do that??!!!! My day would be SOO jam-packed and full with meaning and progress and motivation if I could do that. But it woudl be time-consuming. I couldn’t do “denny-like” excursions or else it might cut into 2nd workout. I guess I could do the fun rand om 2nd workout after a dinner if I dine with friends, but wht would that routine do for me. It would give me the same awesome strength and endurance I have now (with the morning workout), consistency emotionally, physically, digestively, and intellectually to my day, a fun treat to look for ward to. 2x workouts which means definitely new muscle growth!! Keeping myself happy. I might feel doglike with tetreats but that won’t happen, plus I feel wandering and desperate if I keep “yearing for people’ dude could you imagine if I did that routine 5 days/week untill BC2 startign this sunday?!! Sunday to thursday?? That would be INSANELY awesome.

WHY Do it?

I’d have so much GRACE Structure and ease to my life.

My 2nd workout could be another run then chill by the pool.

Best of all, Iwouldn’t do bars AT ALL,

I wouldn’t expect to meet babes and put a ton of weight onto that

and would have tons of things to look forward to, personlally challenges, achievemetns, milestones, and accomplishments that ensure health, progress and stabilizing great fun momentum for ME with or without people so I wouldn’t be relying on anything unreliable!

I’d create reliability guarantees with myself being able to stick to such a fulfilling routie. I’d soak up the summer, be out and about, truly get to know my calabasas home area, enjoy the pool, get a tan.

It would be HEAVEN! I should do that EECBEE routine!

It’s also physiologically PERFECTLY balaned becaue each exercise immediately precedes a eating nourishment which is best for motivation and for replenishing bodily needs. Sweet!

How to do it

Wow, I should put this in the calendar PLANNED out to try to do it. Instead of a 3 hour bc2 I’ll scedule 3 hours of productive “personal writing, math, focus, work productivity time” awesome!!

One day at a time.

REALLY think about the NEXT day ONLY the day before, the night before, thin about what I’ll need one pair of exercise clothes and one pair of day clothes MINIMUM (possibly 2 exercise clothes sets).

Remember how valuable, how aligning, this would make my day.

With this routine I would have ZERO problem throwing in an audition or 2 during the day because I would be already sOO aligned and in tune!!

7:42 PM

May 4, 2008

DreamDream SWEET!! Awesome dream. Dreamt at one point I was myself, but that person was Heath Ledger and that I was dating making out with, my girlfriend,who was Scarlett Johannssen. holy wow. what an awesome career, gf, fantasy dream! Could be one of the coolest dreams I’ve ever had. My dreams rarely entail and behold such awesome, successful, attractive peole. Sweet! Okay startsrs. This was as LONG ream

water canal

The first part of the dream was like a seperate dream. I dreamt I was in this dark, mildewy wattery labyrinth canal. Cleo and I were trying to sneak off to do something. We were looking around with people but i had to dive in this labyrth canal stretches, segments at some time to avoid being seen. We were trying to get out somewhere or somethig. I think there were some mootor boat or jetski things, like last cruisade indiana jones, I think there was some kind of shark, too.

talways grinding motion look

whenever I looked at scarlett’s character she was playful like Jacqui gaines, and always gave me this “half playful half dead serious” grinding motion look (that she wanted to have sex

tent beach — wjierd indiana jones tent

next we’re on this beach. somewhat private. We had one of thoe huge tents, wind flapping the curtain-doorway, like a “royal tent from ancient china” but all White. Finally we kissed or switched into passionate mode and she was in doggystyle position and I was in top of her, we were fully clothed and not “having sex”, but making out and she had the sexiest, most aggressive look on her face, and pulled me in with her arm (this dream was AWESOME!!) dry sex on beach with scarlett! yeow! sweet! She REALLy wanted me, really wanted to go doggystyle (reminiscient of jacqui sex?) then I interrupted it and said something about getting the kid (our daughter) to practice (hey that’s like heath) or taking care of her.

spiral swing kick to golf cart glass

It was here that I kind of realized that I WAS heath. The POV switched to first person when before it had been heath and scarlett on the beach in the tent. When she left to what I though was take this kid (our kid?) somewhere, she really hopped on a golf cart for a tennis lesson. I caught up wtih her and did this angry (sexual aggression?) jump kick to the golf cart glass, but it was unbreakable. It turned out to be just joking. She laughed, but she had morphed into kate shostack from latin with Amanda Harlib’s voice. She took one sweatershirt off and had cleavage going in the golf cart. I think I hopped in the golf cart, tehn I woke up.

Themes keys

Indiana Joens, Scarlett Johanssen, One Woman (scarlett morphing to kate, amanda’s voice, previously “cleo”?, resembling jacqui’s playful mannerisms), connection to heath. awesome cool people.

Again, reoccurring theme of Beach, sharks!!

Also I looked at some pictures of scarlett and she like IS every woman. pamela, playful, fun jacqui-like (posibly, obviously, have no idea), graceful, sexy briana, maggie, i dont’ know like everyone woman.

one and the same!

Michael Caine as alfred is PERFECT butler. Also heath REALLY looked like heath put (and he did — he locked himself up in a london apartment working on joker voices) MASSIVE MASSIVE practice and technique into joker. he had so many sinister-insane looks, like at the table, teh mannerism’s look highly deranged, diferent person, GREAT technique and job!! wow. impressive. so glad they ditched katie home.s what is cruise doing with her? She’s so lame, poor actress, nobody, snobby. I’m so glad maggie gyllenhaal is filling in as rachel dawes. She’s much more attractive, graceful, and a great actress. I loved her (with her bro) in Donnie darko.

Scarlett. Yeow. SHE is hot. She’s my age. She’ll probabl be married in a year or two. sad. she’s a GREAT actress, too!

1:53 AM

May 7, 2008

Sleep — Dreamream WEIRD dream!! Dreamt I was in the chicago basement. I did something that impressed TMK. He was riding around his bike in the basement and half-jokingly, half-serious kept saying to mom. I really like him. I like him. I really really like him. He is our Salllllvaaaaation!” Kind of joking, kind of serious. I had just seen Man without a Face. A GREAT mentor-protege movie, so that could have impacted it. Thomas could have been like that Norstad sort of. Brought in ties of mom liking me now, somethign that feels rewarding and great!! Maybe I shoould go visit them??!

11:53 PM

May 9, 2008

Dreamt was at Cityday. Was carrying those odd red lunch trays that were characteristic at latin but these were brigher. At the end of hte dream Zach Fellars tried to ridicule and embarass me (it didn’t work) by saying that “we don’t want to talk to you, john called all of our phones multiple times but we don’t wat to talk to you.”) it was a lie because I hadn’t called certain people in years. There was something about all of us 1998 group being so old their around the young kids.

Issues: fear of rejection; Jame K telling me trying to, falsely and invalidly of unpopularity.

We were just carrying lunch trayson the railing.

10:25 PM

May 10, 2008

DreamDream Dreamt I had this race in michigan with Dad, Thoams, and I. Dad wore his khaki shorts, but did well. We thought thomas didn’t do well but he got “17:70” which makes no sense, but that was fast apparently. It was all around the michigan property.

Then in chicago. I was on mom and dad’s bed watching TV and munchign on this salmon-shripm-stirfry I worked so hard to cook. Aron, shreve, jack came up and talke to me about thomas’s prom date and girls and they asked me what Id’d do to woo cleo and I said always talk and communicate, she whips people as a dominatorix so Iwouldn’t try to be seductive or anythign, that’s what she does most of the time. So I’d just be funny and talk to her abou wanting to try or experiment with different things.

Then shreve started eating all my shrimp and I got pissed.

1:07 PM

May 16, 2008


Amandao kept fondling her legs as she fell onto me. Was in some crash bandicoot-like game

9:52 AM

May 20, 2008

DreamDream Dreamt I was in the car and drove to a place like Nicky Smiths. Beah was there. Something about a motorcycle. The last I remember was a Windshield deluxe cover with zipper peepholes.

Themes, SMiths (angela — leah). Living out of car? Transportation.

I woke up and IMMEDIATELY did pushups — FELT GREAT!! Then felt groggy, ahd 4 hours os leep, but took a COLD shower. Drank a ton of water, brushed teeth. I actually did a wake-up routine in the morning. It felt awesome! It felt so alive and centered!!! Wow! Sweet!

9:27 AM

May 21, 2008


Dreamt Justin and Bret were driving I was in backseat but it was like I was watching a movie of tehm and not really there. They went to this old random town, played hookey from school, and it was some amusement park carnival with like this crazy ride. Jeff zheng was therer I think. I think justin and bret got on a little floating log boat, and then jeff and I were giong to go on one. But I wanted to go in the 1st boat for hte loag ride then a 2nd boat for another ride. At the end of this ride you had to go through this odd obstacle course of like strings and bars and junk.  It was timed and only one person went through it. I was reluctant to get on the log ride water part. Then we passed a (back in t car) red circular hospital tnat bret and justin both cursed because apparently they like abducted justin psychiatrically and did bad things to him. Not sure of the people, but that stuff was in teh dream.

3:10 PM

May 24, 2008

3:10 PM

May 24, 2008

Sleep –DreamDream VERY specific cool COOL dream!! I dreamt I met harrison ford. I was in a place that felt like a huge airport. he was there signing autographs but only a few people at a time like 2 sets. I had tons of odd pamphlets and slips of paper and couldn’t decide what for him to sign. I got close and he grabbed the odd purple cltoh/handkerchief thing that I had in my ear-plugs case and he signed that long, something like auditions or something. I don’t think there was talking.

INSIGHTS second celebrity role-model dream!! 1st it was jim carrey and we shook hands like friends .. then harrison and the dream I think wanted to be like friends, but he was celeb and I was fan.

7:04 PM

May 29, 2008

REALLY Cool DREAM!! Dreamt Just in Timberlake gave me advice. he said if you have support from kids and fans taht are kids, you can’t not be successful, basically. GREAT wisdom. The dream was like 3rd person POVwatching timberlake but close. Cameron diaz ran up to him and jumped on him while he was on his bike and he showed me his calednar. THAT is what I need. He just had the month laid out and like one big thing per day. like recording xyz studios mon tue wed. then some show thurs. then one other thing the next day. that’s SOOO awesome becaus ehe knows what to focus on. One huge thing I loved abou the cruises was the schedule was all planned out and you could not go or go to everything and no one would get mad at you!! THAT WAS GREAT. that freedom and you could just scan the schedule and if you wanted to do bingo or whatever,you coudl go. that was great. I MUST focus on calendar.

10:53 PM

May 30, 2008

Dreamdream — Dreamt I was kissing maya (or some phillipino woman) and we both kept talking about how good it felt kissing each other. VERY warm, fun, cuddly alive, intimate. Flash to 428. James K says somethign going down the 3rd floor stairs, I throw a blue lunchbox at him and he falls down the stairs. He looked paralyzed at the base of the staircase. I got scared his neck was broken. Then flahs to a big 2-3 story house on some propoerty. It was like my house but it felt lke there was some reality show hosted there, but people were doing calisthetics and walking around their to make me feel like it was my home. ONe woman kept takign about sex in different placs. Odd themese,s intimacy, owning hosue, difficltli wht bro.

12:28 AM

June 9, 2008


Dreamt something about maren havin a home.. she had the apartment with the view of california long horizno and seascape/ sunset view (beauitful). she invited me and bio fam over for dinner adn we cooked. earlier we wento some other dinner party thing at my place which was n’t as fun, during that she had a BF and kept mentioning that I was in chi during acting class and had stayed at that otehr apartment , but I was in CA. Earlier we were at this place (CA>?) and had another dinner paarty. Big emphasiss on plates. I stayed in maren’s loft during some kind of summer half-block. It was a pointed ceiling loft, most epic was the view, it looked like sunsets onothr planet, kind of dreary/weird though, like you WER on the moon with city clutter or something. The feeling here was BARREN and SMOGGY, with a scenic view. for some reason it felt like people had this kind of arranged marriage thing and I wassupposed to get htiched with maren? VERY weird it was like a dinner after a funeral or something almost.

Earlier in dream was CRAZY. Something about flashing back in time and then time freezing going up a stair case i think beth was there, but tim would freeze and you’d have to catch up to it r people would it was a scary dream, VERY scary, like sets of three people would appear and reappear and you’d go up the same stairs but you wre different and they were differet each time, then something about mashing, gnashing teeth popped in my mind recalling it. Weird dream! The feeling here was monotonous but scary and eeeire. SCARY.

Then afterwards I got scard. I actually felt scared at night. I had never felt that in a LONG time.

Then i started to realize that all the 24 or so years of identity in chicago was “being erased”, well all the unimportant non-identity stuff was, wit that account, and I TRULY felt california. This was an amazing feeling. A very “californian feeling”. Wow. to what Do i attribute this?

Learning about credit (a BIG life solidification thing) getting anwers to TONs of bank questions I’ve had

Doing math . Organization my mind (too much reading is just taking a dump o nyour mind) Math is cleansing, purifing, and giving yourmind a healhty workout.

Connections happening with seeing the ca outside, all of that awesomeness.

I feel incredibly grateful. I’ve NEVER felt this befor, like beign at every place and the only thing exists is time. It’s an amazingly expansive and liberating feeling. I feel like all the places I’ve liked or parts of them are present here, shuffling through my experience here like a deck of cards. It’s magical. It’s the way life is supposed to be live, color, magic, aliveness!! Wow this rocks.

Additionally sayig no and not interacting with bio fam opened all these doors because I could focus on cool stuff I love.

Now I’m learning and writing applescript!! God, that’s stuff I’ve put on hold since I was 12. I’ve wanted to do applescript for 12 years!! I feel OVERJOYED focusing on math, applescript, and credit score. YES credit score!!! That’s reducign worry so my brain thinks of other fun things other tha money b/c I have confidence I’ll make money!!!


I just feel

I woke up when I started do a calculation for the amount you get in a lottery pay-off based on salary, per month.

I attribute this wild dreamscape to looking at old photos ,but again the organization of math.

I was up for 22 hours!!

1:29 PM

June 20, 2008

Dreamt was at beah’s house. accidentally sat in he chair in the corner I could see everything from the angle. I asked wait who’s chair is this and learned it was beah’s so Iagave it back to her and fixed the metal magnet thing on the back. Then wandered into the kitchen and saw cups of reese’s peanut butter cups. I leanred mark whalbrg was born in 1982, so I told jame we had to get on theacting thing, if we had his succcess 2 years from now, that would be hug. Then flahsed to swingset in OR. I was skinny and dad was slow b/c of weight but felt okay. flash to city. miguel was antagonist chasing after this one girl. He got on one bus, I got on another and she got on my bus and she kissed me , i acted al goofy and knee buckled jokingly to flirt bt she knew that and fun.

3:52 PM

June 21, 2008

DreamDream. Dreamt alexa was in the dream she helped me with something like set a good habit.

1:46 PM

June 23, 2008

Sleep DreamDream Dreamt I invited 2 girls up to michigian and just in was there. We went to hte field to camp and set up tents out but there was garden vegetable bplants wiht massive like 3 inch by 2-3 ft caterpillars living in the plants, I cut a branch and the caterpillar crawled out. Next we might till be in micghigan bu oon a deck that could be a boat at sea. with a round conversation of people, robin dunn and ari are there. They pass around a join wtht ht10-15 people I take a light hit hoping it will help me with my comedy and then get back to computer wr.. Then the same pow-wow circle was in the loft or some inside area.

July 8, 2008

7:36 AM

DreamDream Dreamt kira, tom fort, jimmy, and I got let off from a car on some jungle trail hiking to go surfing. Tom noticed my necklace had a dangerous hook in it s oI carefully removed that and then there was some food (like burger or sausage) attached on the end of it that was disgusting but jimmy ate it. We trampled through the jungle forest stepping on the remains of large shar or tuna that poachers had left. Kira said shw as going to practice first before meeting up with us. We would all practice alone and surf together.

July 24, 2008

12:44 PM

Wow! FUN dream. All fun stuff!! Big milk theme (no doubtedly from WoW’s cold glass of milk restoring mana). I was in a comedy club and was a bout to perfomr or just had performed. I was really lit up, on fire like I was as sophmore at latin wearinga collared shirt. Best of all there was this 40 year-oldish woman with huge boobs wearing a greyish shirt, brunette, who looked like a 40 year-old alexa who kept putting her arm around me and fiddling with my necklace and joking. But I think we new each other from some other event like someone’s wedding? no some fancy party. Then she said something about playing along, no, something about how putting her arm around me leads to something (sex, implid). Tehre was also some white hen pantry stop with some people. But the comedy store cuddlign with the huge boobed woman who kept hitting on me, just rocked. Crazy, play with youth, pony up with older women. The woman was definitely hotter than kira-alexa combined.

July 26, 2008

3:03 PM


Dreamt I ran into the Beatles. All 4 of them, just hanging out somewhere. Had dinner with htem I think. Then few people like parents beleived I had met them. one of them looked ausraian. then I saw billy Davis (jimmy’s bro) give a chess lesson and then played a guy and won. He said he was about 3400 and hte dude was 3300 (impossible b/c of s max 2800 raiting). he taunted me saying he could beat me, my friends and my family. So I played him in chesss. I was black. the game was as immersive as a wow he attacked and I defended then he attacked on the othe side of the board and looked like a tauren. Then jimmy davis and peter saw I could win and started to distract me (I think) jimmy said things like “That was a great independent study of Vegetarianism” for my days off which weren’t Ises.


July 29, 2008

7:09 PM

Shark or alligator on a wave and whenever it went I surfed after it. Then Ms. Doer-fitzpatrick got sick from eating herbs but then read a book on how to find the right ones and had like blueberry juice and other herb food from the wilderness. WEIRD!


August 3, 2008

8:58 PM

dreamdream dreamt something about saying goodbye to people. back in chicago visited some old restaurant place with beth and susan and soemthign about the door way a shelf on it of stuff.



August 5, 2008

1:44 AM

Dreamt I did laps around the house in michigan. Huge emphasis on the planted tree at the end of the path, like it was a heath ledger memorial. I had a fat butt and emphasis on that. Then there was something with beah’s house


August 5, 2008

7:58 PM

Really long cnvoluted dream. I was in chicago with a baby kitten, philleas. Darcy bonner and I hung out and did something (basketball?). The kitten had like alien teeth but always followed me when I called it (like a dog). There was also something big with math, too. Some kind of ccds reunion thing.


August 8, 2008

6:01 PM


drove or someoen dropped me off at Gloria martinez’s house, but it was on the beach (prob. in californa) I went for a run through a parking lot there. and then gloria went looking for me. and drove me back home to some city area (la/chi/ who knows ,probl la!) then went on a date with i think molly from old next door (I think thomas tagged along) felt really refreshed after the run. I think we go icecreaem

Asked mom what happed on someone’s birth like my and my bro’s or something for autobiography researc hand she got cold adn icyand started talking about he birth of jesus christ.

Was in home depot with biol fam. everyone bought somehing except me. I decided to throw in a stpladder in the last minute (forreaching stuff above fridgE) and got in the checkout line and ran into EVa sonsnowska and Venetta. They were playing characters Argus and Lingus for a play and were buying a “prop” tha was female mouth (for blowjob masturbation). Then in the next line I ran into Ms. Hardegan . she couldn’t figure out what cashback meant so I told her it just meant “do you want a 20” I told I ran into argus and lingus and she said “that’s rigth” and then said “do you want me to be gentle with your stars,john?” I didn’t know how to respond, and wanted to say something like “gentle is good, but challenge is okay” but had no idea why she asked me that.

odd themes: drama and sex; gloria and CA, mom, icy, overly catholic, running refreshed.


August 8, 2008

11:15 PM

DreamDream dreamt went shopping for a dog with bio fam. reall colorful place. found three lassie-terrier’s each for $300. d din’t buy but looked good. (nota running, active dog)


August 11, 2008

3:44 AM

Disturbing dream Dreamt I kept vomiting in a toilet that was overflowing with stale crunchy angel hair pasta. my mother susa was making me vomit. there was emphasis on the puke. Gloria popped up, kind of convinced me my parents were bad influence.

I remember glorai (in real life) saying jonny”s an actor!


August 12, 2008

11:34 AM

One of the most lengthy crazy dreams I’ve ever had.

My dad and I were driving to some place (like a concert?). It was a flash flood, we cut through a grass field. I think a cop starting chasing after us. then we flipped over or something. Just remember tons of water and driving on grass.

I had gone back to CC to look for housing to relive some college life or something (but I relized CC was a more work, less party school).

Then it flahed to CC’s soccer field. there was some girl realy drunk on the sidelines. she fell off a stool and hurt her knee and then said for me to “kiss it” (her knee) but she flsashed her vagina at me at teh same time. so we went behin the stadium risers and had wild sex (a ot of vagina emphasis). Bizarre how much emphasis was on the women being like meat or fish, with the vagina, like it was just pure flesh and not a person, like having sex with meat with an orifice. really weird, but hot.

Thenthere was some scene with Justin’s friends talking about their favoriate music album. I said paul’s botique (and they agreed it was th e best sellingalbum ever) we were atonished at how many good songs were on teh same album. One dude said “soundgarden does BNL” which was weird. Then someone had to go and I wrote on a dart board with a dart that I would see them later? woah


August 19, 2008

6:54 PM

Dreamt I had sex with jen lester from acting corps. so weird. Went to this basement with a group and itwas like an instance raid and jen was doing paperwork in the corner and stayed quiet for fear of us noticing her. then I end up hooking up iwith her doing intense spanking stuff. I was grinind the bed too I realized. weird. (like first wet dream thing). tehn other stuff happened like emily hannon, but it was like wow raid before. hah


August 23, 2008

3:01 PM

DreamDream Dreamt matt colman woke up in some bed and did like a scene from oedipus where he gouged his eyes out (what the hell?!!!) and some other weird stuff happened to. Like fishy hugs with anna morro.


————————————————————————————————————————————————————————-August 24, 2008

6:31 PM

WEIRD dream. Dreamt I was in someflorida hotel place looking for something in a room with cityday people. Ellen campbell or someone like that was there. I was trying to get my swim suit on behind this coutner then I left and the chick said she liked my teeth and smiled and I realized she had on a retainer thing too. Then james and I were fighting over this bottle that I took and was playing wit. We tried to order chinese and suchi and couldnt’ decide and ordered Jia’s. Then we saw something about these dudes killing peole and some weierd cult thing and this re-enactmectment exhibit wieht 3 people who were mannikins but their eyes looked like diamonds. eweird.


August 26, 2008

8:10 PM

Dreamt I was at latin but playing defense in an outdoor water polo practice. The goalie (one of the latin seniors, like pat or someone) gave me tips on recieving passes and such.


September 5, 2008

10:23 AM

Dreamdream Jordan dubow, wrote him a letter conveying how much I respected him. went spelunking in some cave with a water entrance like BFD, went for run with james and thomas saw Dubow on a bike and he commented on that I “really ” rspected him.


September 7, 2008

7:21 AM

dreamt something about matt colman having a wedding and I having a michigan reunion party o nth same weekend. kira said she thougt I’d go to MI a few days early, friday, sat, or sun, and write.


dreamt I took a train from beah’s house after mom made a photo album with all these weird pictures of me. then got off train in LA and there were all these bums. and then I was like woah! never been here at this time of night kind of nice! and one bum was like “hey it’s bob dylan” to me. and I said “me” ? and he said yeah it’s bob dylan. that was kind of strange. then I ran into some lower classmen like alice mathias and gave her a hug and became overly conscious because their were under classmen and I felt I had to show off, but realized it ws hightech or something.

dreamt again. dreamt I kept looking around for a present for mom. and flashed some poster that said “I see god” which was all this music stuff supposedly


dreamt I was in MI repairing for a party. Nick snick. REgenbergs. Some smiths. people with a bunch of cats. Whilte cats. tdk and I got into a fight. about him not giving me money. guests came. we calmed down.

before that a martial arts documentary I was trying to make a guy did a wall flip or something



had sex with meg grunewald (doggy style. she was really hot). the was playing soccer in park in Chicago an had to play on side of field. and a lot of babes trying to get after me so that was fun. Maren and other gilrs were trying to woo me or something. I turned off their advances and went for older women.

thomas and I were kicking around soccer ball. saw tal madanes who went swimming and we were like we want to go swimming so we went. key notes was the water from people was gloing and really pretty colorful. seemed like when I was young and killed the pigion. colorful or something.



dreamt about meg grunewald again. she was really hot. lost a lot of weight. we went on a date. she showed me a baby picture of her when she was 4’6 and she was a lot less or shoerter. We ate smoother (like silver chairs) . felt good. talked about good stuff. over cafeteria food or something.

(WEIRD! I just realized I could’ve “done” all that if I’d done a different path! couldn’ve done anything in dreams if done different path. I’m glad those dreams are dreams and that I didn’t have a “fix me help me with acting” bs date with meg! lol



date uncertain

felt REALLy good after tons of pushups and then eating great salmon before bed.

Dreamdream REALLY wild


dreamt was thinking about charlie alva and went to raft at casino club and learned that he had died that morning while eating a achicken avacado sandwich in the raft;(. then I went to some dinner party of k&a people. We all had to sit on these really high tipsy chairs. IT was a sandwich restaurant, but really gourmet. I tried to get the waiter to explain the sandwiches but and order tuba but it didnt’ get a cross. they put like juice or somthign on the center of the sandwich and cooked it, but he didn’t mention that. Then while sitting on these high stools I was about to tip off so I had to frmly put my arm on this atttractive NICE-looing blonde (eeryoe was all dressed up in semi-fancy clothes too) she smiledat me and we flirted a bit . Then the restaurant switched to city day people and Bret diskin was there and ended up retelling some story where he reenacted getting up on a rickety ladder with smeoen holding the metal single piece ladder. he swayed back and forth and then the ladder’s bade flipped out and he just plummedtted down really hurt, when he tried to stand up he had pissed his pants and feinted back but Tom fort caught him. weird!!!

themes: swaying seats, swaying ladders, unstable obects basically, and fun times with as usual city day.


sierra montains







dreamt was with james trying to get a bus back to latin or something. hilary august popped up and she kept kissing my cheek and it felt really really good. This guy kept spitting when he talked. she kissed me and it felt really good. she told me to tell him lightly that he was spitting to much. So I told him that actors spit and told him lightly. she gave me an awesome kiss and we made out. I remembered how much I missed her and how much I liked (like) her. whatever.

then really weird episode in 428 and moo had a larger blackspot and I saw a missing tail and on the other cat there was some other cat with a larger black spot. weird. freaky.



dreamt I saw mickey fisher tell me something (not unlike anna child mentioned with cross country) along the lines of “you don’t really have to go in there ( to this store). I was in a store and lost my blue plaid shirt, my white shirt, and got my iphone and bag locked in a locker. so i talked to store manager and was really pissed. then the store locked up and I was chasing after the manager. something about brad pitt. the manager was talking on his phone to ben samuel’s. ben affirmed to him that all the women would be after the manager at this oparty. it got late and the manager left me and cut off in a cab.

Significance. This dream resembled going back to chicago in nov 2006. Chicago was the “store” that scattered and lost a lot of my belonggings and really pissed me off. No one paid a ttention to me and it was painful and aggravating. Cool realizations!



dreamt something about ms. campbell. dreamt I had a huge purple dufffel bag of my stuff on a bus (some kind of cccds field trip)? I thought the bus would explode and was worried but it ddidn’t then flash to 428 where mom made a necklace out of beads for ellie smith. weird!



October 19, 2008

ms hardetgan was doing blocking forscript. ccds people were there like drew faseas or something. the nflashed to a cruise boat where they pulled body out of a beacon or canister thing and it ended up in the alligator area and I was down ther with kira or tina fey. Then they swam upriver, then I started to run away and I had sandals on, was like wait should have shoes on, but I wanted to go for ar run, then saw carlin thomas. and said something a bout snuffleupagus. she took me to bnl concert. like having fun around women, man. fun cool people. had been obsessed with disguating slimy idiot girl and not any more. Drew faseas was ther or something. crazy.



October 17, 2008

1:17 AM

dreamdream dreamt I was with these three women/girls. we kept hopping around to shops or something like coffee shop and making out (all 4 of us) in really public places. GREAT dream! GREAT dream.

itnermittent racial etiquette, then chuck norris, then a trainer location, then a LFG, then homey, pal, buddy banter…ah brilliant sheer brilliant. lol. and guild add hehe

noob talk



October 21, 2008

@ CCDS, minging with class above me. David Sigman, Max parsons, Drew faseas. Then saw the less advanced math group and it was like math from cc, james krueger and he had an earring on. I was talking with MAx berry about football (and was doing lifecoaching with him) and asked if he makes as many goals in soccer as football. insinuating that he was a more speed and agility guy and made better for soccer, while football was not his thing strength nad power. Basketball and soccer a lot more his game. it was in CCDS like upper class math or science room. weird. Ther was huge part of dream where Dr. shcultz made everyone pasta, and sigman was giving lecture-assignment on it. I ate all the string pasta, then he put another plate of tube pasta in front of us and no one ate it. The 2nd was like the “reward” was doing the test of eating the first place. really weird.




Dreamt was in some wildernessish house. tdk had us all wave at the sky or do some weird chant crap. a thundercloud came then we all blacked out, next I know the stupid red volvo was gone and it came back with ssk or someone else driving it but it was changed, like bizarro. kept looking at people and seeing a devil demon, pointy-eared convulsing horror, animal scary morph thing.

damn I hate dreams that involve bio-fam losers. lol

no more of that. hehe.

then fantasized about having a different big-boobed woman in costa rica EVERY NIGHT.!!!!


Cauldron of Major Shadow Protection ?



November 1, 2008

dreamt papa’s car was being auctioned off and it kept going for a different price. REally weird!






dreamt had pictures of alexa hs cleavage. james k and I were toned and weren’t for a run in oregon. then remembed alexa’s handjob to bob and how she lcawed at my pants.


dreamdream dreamt was in a big swimming pool like casino club some lane lines were very narrow and cramped. I went to the far right with no lane lines. meanwhile someone like cristophe lagrange or something needed money and kept betting and lost it in gambling. Justin L loaned him like 1000 something dollars. Then I burst into tears in 130 kitchen about not having money to dad and he just watched me snacking on things like watchin g a movie saying “really”

BL — money is a big thing in my life. swimming is big. tdk isn’t a help.




Thursday, December 25, 2008

05 : 40

Long series of WEIRD dreams.

1. Dreamt Vaghn Lacallade and other moms played soccer, vaughn was like the head organizer captain person of this mom soccer league or something.

2. Dreamt I rollberbladed around the CCDS playground but it was black tarmack instead of grass in most parts. thomas mk and ryan specne were there and I did tons of cool spin moves. then I changed, but didn’t have a shirt, and carried this huge duffel bag upstairs of CCDS, saw jon levine and lame people and then went ot music class.]



February 21, 2009

2:44 AM

elaborate dream was in Michigan playing in field or tree fort with someone like idk and andrew burke, the something hcanged and it was someone like darcy bonner and matt damon. The nflash to me running on beachside dune trail and find some kind of planet of the apes cave enclave and get some object (indiana jones like) and run out the dune trail then I’m transported to the totem pole run near lake shore drive. then prob flash back to ape thing?



February 22, 2009

5:17 AM

wild set of dreams and thinking…first dreams dreamt was in OR papa was reallllyyyy young we had all just gotten back from working “in field or something” they all showered had cereal and looked cool. i was about to shower but someone whom I thought was cousin sara but later realized was just some chick was playing with me adn tickling me, i laughed like wild but then changed mood got fed up and tackled her in the yellow bathroom playfully noticeable featuers were she had a really fiery red (but attractive) COLORFUL face. (but caucasion).

next branched off into thinking. REALIZED maya tried to hypnotize me in lazy acres but it DIDN’T work, so that made me realize my mind has grown MUCH stronger. that’s what happened now since 2000, my MIND has grown magnificently more stronger with flinging myself into painful bad situatiosn and still getting out. My mind is stronger than most any person I know. I have a strong mind and am highly massively resilient (practically immune) to all hypnosis now COOL!!

also rememberd having fiery red eyes and glowing skin inthe surfboard shop after the energy aura class in wrigleyville (around time of going to dojo and stopping in The Alley store) and the yellow vibe of that place…hhmmmmmmmmm

I ALSO remember envisioning a dream life of giving seminars and then fucking many women etc etc blah and it being YELLOW too..

hhm yellow definitely a theme. of possibly an environment where I’m in my element. solar plexus area cooler!! or MAYBE that’s just going up chakras or something who knows but GREAT recollections I had suppressed that. GREAT to have all those memories because confusing and unpleasant at the time, all memories lead me to greater understnading of my strenghts and weaknesses and capacity..

using eye accessing cues is immensely helpful and rocking awesome!

February 3, 2009

11:05 PM


Dreamt I surfed Northshore in Hawaii and waves were like 10 stories tall (taller prob) paddled out paddledinto one and then jumped off before riding it but I had the momentum of the wave, so I didnt’ die but could say I paddled out and and into a wave atleast and “surfed” northshore. I was in HAwaii and dazed and crossing the street/highway from the jungle after living there or after surfing maybe? And Emily Daviau in a red car almost hit me while crossign the road. She was teary eyed and all upset about something but relieved to see me. She gave me a lift and the car ride was WILD. it was some compact futuristic car where the top shot forward and she sat facing me with her legs around my head and I had to lean forward in the red car so naturally started eating her hout and making out like crazy. It was all tropical and north hawaii-oahu-like.



March 2, 2009

3:19 PM

sleep ppaternes soo messed — didn’t want to wake up at 10 b/c dream felt soooo much more fun than RL. Was having really clear/vivid dream for some reason. Was in MI. Dr. Dale chiropractor showed up because I had back problems. I think it was like christmas or something. The wird thing was was that he kept waiting outside the house for like 15-30 hour long time politely waiting for someone to open the door. weird as!! Then he brought in a like flimsy foldout massage table to do the spine adjustment and said he remembered one time did it and all the vertebrae popped weird. THEN the best part of the dream was Uncle paul, lacy, ellie, aunt mary showed up and lacy or ellie was looking at somethin on 2nd floor MI house and I talked to them and then toucehd their hand we both started giggling hysterically hahah!! It was like the closest thing felt like had to a sister. Then uncle paul said they were going to the corner bakery for breakfast (that day or tomorrow or something) and I realized how awesome it is that they move around so frequently and eat out at places so frequently b/c then large places are your home and if you feel connected with like brand places (corner bakery, whatever) that are consistent ANYWHERE you can find comfortable cool “homey spot” anywhere. Anyways heralded uncle paul for that and realized he and uncle paul mary, lacy, jilli, ellie are awesome. plus swimming! lol

April 9, 2009 — 10:20 AM

sleep dreamdream dreamt some girl who was friend I knew got dresed up in GREAT costume for some outdoor party. was sitting on bench and ha planted a eavesdropping chip in this bar owner so was listenign with a reciever something about some south american place.  Then  Igot in a batmobile liek car and drove around gotham into this haunted house liek area and saw the riddler crazy and we drove past and more weird thing s and got to the final rooom and it was full of gnomes eating cookies in piles of “sand” they wanted me to throw the cookie and the sand at them as they did that at each other (like threw it in each other’s face)! what the hell?!!  and then I discovered the sand had special microscopic “chitin” in it and I was supposed to take a scoopful of sand with me to complete the quest. WEIRD AS!!

April 21, 2009 — 6:52 PM

sleep dreamdream Very vivid interesting peculiar dream.  dreamt was in michigan no visiting some place wiht people I didnt’ know, one guy kept looking out the window over the ocean (it was house on the beach) I like woke up and then we went to town I had a REALLY hightech camera as a present and this girl told me to unpack it from my backpack.  my mom had packed a weird disco light thing that didn’t go with the camera.  Then we went into town.  I didn’t know these people.  then somehow justin lacallaid who was exactly like or was tom cruise shows up and says hes’ wearing these orange sweatpants and sweatshirt into town so the tomcruise-justinl guy who reminded me of me too was all clear and energetic with slicked back spikey gelled hair and then we ended up in michigan after walking around town for abit and I was in the kitchen overlooking the deck and eating an orange with thomas mk and two packs of people started walking toward the basement dooor (on the deck that I could see from the kitchen ) some slovenly looking people and then the two math people form cc matt (fat asian) and joel ross but joel looked all cleared up like the dude on teh charing cross train and thoguht of darren brown.  COOL as!!!! 😀

Allusions: Math, tomcruise-justin L ; MICHIGAN, something with a camera,

August 5, 2009
sleep dreamdream.  AGGRESSIVE Wow travel.  The whole time was verne like aggressively traveling. Felt really bad though and out of sync b/c I did something unfavorable and told stories instead of just playing without talking.  talking as verne made the game less fun because then people expected entertainment from verne.  most fun when just complete objectives as verne.  rad!
August 9, 2009 — 6:59 PM
sleep nocen enuresis.  dang.  dreamdream dream was on a ship.  was HUGE storm. final days of it.  green water. almost spooky.  on date with someone but had to go? at the end one bald guy thought he was the jonah, but he wasn’t so he through himself overboardthe sinking ship while carrying a PIANO! LOL!!  but the ship had shipwrecked on the shore at that time so he didn’t die.  then the crew was in rows and rowas and i took tons of pictures okay cool i guess lol.

2003-2004 Journal
September 17, 2009, 1:14 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

Fall-Winter 2003-2004 Journal


My Dorm Room 430

Man, I still cannot believe how incredible spending time with Taylor was! I still cannot believe how raunchy we were, how unrestrained, how dream-like everything was, and how alive it felt! We had sex doggystyle! I cannot believe that, Amazing. Totally amazing out of some porno book. That made me start to think that life really CAN be whatever you want as an open book — it just forms to what you like/dislike. Well, I am so incredibly overwhelmed by how much cc offers, I am almost suffocated and suppressed by it! I am so happy about my box situation, too. Truly awesome. Well am going to call home, shower, computer, then food!! Totally starving!


Well first day of class sucked. I didn’t know if it was just class in general, or the anthrop topic that I disliked – 170 pages of reading1! That is totally not manageable! What the heck! Is he trying to trick us into not taking the class or something? Well, I have to get dinner it’s 10:00pm and then read more!! Anthrop. might be something cool that I like doing when traveling – seeing other cultures, but it just feels vague, obscure, and hazy compared to the concrete reasoning of science – pscyh and computers. I love computers!! Pych rocks, too! Brett said I should major in somthing I love, maybe that thing should be computers! Well must eat, then read!


Wow, I have so many things that I want to question and discuss related to sex, girls, food (eating), and life purpose/meaning/what is right, morally. Also I went for a killer hard run today!! So fast/ fun! I searched saw a marching football team, almost caught of with two other runners! Man it was incredible. Hey, I realize that if I learn kind of back when I type, I feel a lot more at ease mentally, and my posture is better, too! Okay sex – I want to have unrestrained animal-sex, not raping/violating the girl, but getting off – you know, but I, never by my most sacred creed would ever want to violate or make a girl feel uncomfortable or whatever, I would never want to step over her boundraries. However, I always feel like I should ask “Is this okay?” Is this okay I am touchign you here or I am going this fast,” or whatever because it is her body. I wouldn’t mind being hit on, it always seems like I have to push the next steps, this is fine, totally fun if I aware or what the specific boundaries were! How can I get better boundary awarness? The two girls I had sex with didn’t seem to care, they said “whatever” whatever I want, to sex! Whatever I want, jeez! That kind of stunned me when taylor had the same reaction. I’ll try talking to seth

Food, I eat really slowly around girls, because I want to make a good impression, also, I really like eating FAST! That’s how I enjoy food, wolfing it down, scarfing it, not pecking at it so I forget what I am eating! I like shoveling it in, but I feel bad/wierd/extremely uncomofortable doing this around other people in common cafeteria everyday (not just at fancy restaurants), because I feel like I need to be polite! How can over come this conflicto of needing to polite, eye contact and have manners when wanting to scarf food? Kind of related to girl thing!

Finally, Thomas asked me why I drove up to U of I, (Jim, Matt, and I went to see david Lu,) but that didn’t seem like a good enough reason. That (because CC kind of reminds of uof I in its ruralness) got me to think about why I came to CC when I LOVE, truly die for the sensation, act, passion, sport, leisure, fun activity of surfing. It is one of the few, maybe only sports where I feel I would paddle just as hard, the same way, stay out in the water the same amount of insane hours if a ton of people were watching/with me, or if I was solo. This certainly says something regarding my true inner passion for surfing and that it is not a superficial facade put on for people. Running on the other hand, I sometimes feel like I am acting (trying to be some runner I am not, or like Prefontaine, even when I right that name, it feels sacred, because I have tried to “not emulate his life”, but certainly try to look like some aspcets of ours were similar with our solo running and stuff). But aside of the fame, competition, front running, all that movie terminology, surfing was the true thing I fell in love with because of what it is — not because of some movie that I saw which inspired me. In other words, when I surf, I never feel like I am trying to be cool “like Kelly Slater” or something, I just surf because it is as fun as hell!

Finally, in terms of life meaning stuff, I sometimes look to people for recognition (a sign ) to see if I am morally/actually doing the right thing. This causes a lot of frustrations and aberrations and “random spontaneous” actions in my life. I really want to develop a personal, internal sense of morals so I, myself, can judge if I am doing something right, or spending my time well or something, so that I feel guilty less often and look to people for some kind of guidance to verify my actions morally!


Man, I have so many girls questions? Do they want to hook up at night? Why do I “play it” naive and stupid? I should really go for girls that I think are smart/funny/intelligent, I get so angry when stupid girls think they have a chance with me, I should just smile back at them, maybe because at a party situation I would maybe like them. Also, I think/worry so much about how dating a girl will affect my repuation, or what others will think. I realized this is kind of illogical, because reputations aren’t that immportant at cc, but I have always felt this, and whatnot. I played off the “noble” personality at parties,not trying to act dirty or something.

same day – 430 dorm 1:18 am; man what a great day! Took awesome vocab notes on the psych chapter, played chess with uk person, did all online jumble, email stuff, finished lab, read some christiany, talked with mikey, kira, fieger, online, hopefully I won’t be so tired tomorrow! God I really want a girlfreind – casey! I don’t want her to be manipuliativ, I want to have fun, have sex, be happy together, I want to be able to sack it up up go tell her I like her, or atleast kiis s her. I want to not take things for granted and make good ecisions! I most importantly want to feel comfortable around her and around her with other peopl! I don’t wnat to feel picekd at! must get sleep, writing sloppy!l ove,



Well, good day so far — busy as heck1! After class, which was insanley boring because I had already learned so much of the material from intro to psych, I went for the austinbluffs/union run, my knee gave out on the return about 800m before the grainery intersection. So I walked in pain, for a long long time! Then I biked back just in time to stretch, make some enuresis/urologist appointments, before I had to go downtown for this balancing lab. Then I biked a little, went to Rastall, talked with Tony about the marathon he one and my surfing Costa Rica incredible experience! I feel like I should ask people more questions, b/c for example when I was talking to tony, he said surfing sounded so technical – I, instead of asking him what he meant, said I thought it was just natural. I should have said the natural thing, and then said that I wanted to know what he meant by technical. I am off to martial arts now, after watching legends of the fall for awhile. I have so many books to read, and Mere Christianit is slow reading! But interesting. Steve Rugg talked to me for 40 minutes, and, even though today I realized he had some wise words, I felt SO frustrated talking to him because he came to my room. Also, this girl Allison (from the navs) keeps talking to me, coming up to my room, to go for a run. I saw her today, too! I talked to her for awhile while doing laundry, but I just kind of like her as a friend. She seems wicked smart — she’s taking chemistry — so she kind of has to be! But I am not that attracted to her. Ashley is really attractive, but she seems kind of dim-witted. I am still trying to find out if I am intelligent. I guess I am, I just fluctuate my intelligence with other people. I think my knew blew out because of lack of water, I’ll be sure to super-hydrate or bring a portable water supply next time – camel back or nalgene! Well, off to martial arts!

10:15 pm. Wow! Martial Arts was totally amazing. I feel totally back in line! It’s my bag baby! I feel strong, aligned, like I can run faster! I feel absolutely incredible! It’s a full moon tonight! I am totally aligned! Ernesto gave me some punches, stances, shikigeri or something to do in my room, 15 minutes or so. For practice. I loved the stances, the hip flexing, the leg strengthening and stretching! At the end of class we did these squats (which were like straddling a surfboard), and then wheelbarrow pushups, which were like popping up on a surfboard!! They were really hard, but felt amazing! Ernesto and Sara (two brown belts) were such good sensais/teachers. I felt so in control of my life, and I couldn’t believe how “bright” the studio was! Bright as in white, meaningful “true” light! I felt so great there! It was fantastic. Whoo-whoo!!! YEah, baby!!


Okay, just got back from the doctor’s office, which was hell!! I needed to be studying it took two hours to get a .2 sec. signature from the doctor (whom I saw for, literally, less, than one minute). I practiced translating what the teacher was saying in class into spanish (in my head) during class to help alleviate my boredeom, and it helped me absorb the information mroe easily, efficiently, and actively, and it kept me focused, awake, and listening! I’ll try to do that more often. It felt awesome getting my e-mail stuff and whatnot done in the early morning — I love getting up frickin’ early and seeing the world wake up! I felt so much more natural/comfortable in class. It didn’t, for awhile, feel like “class” just a room with chairs and people gathering with the same books to discuss the same topic! But the the teacher authority thing kicked in, or the lots of people=intimidation thing kicked in, bit of both, and I zoned out to just taking notes, bottling up things I wanted to say, that were really wise, intelligent, rational, and interesting comments and questions. I should have said them, but I didn’t want to cut off professor martin! I just want to bang erin, buttfuck her and then tittyfuck her and have her give me a big blowjob. Taht doesn’t really make sense, because she wouldn’t (most likely) wnat to do that. I have to study now!


Just came back from a triatholon meeting where I met Mr. Travers! Really cool guy, competed ON the national team, IN a world chapionship in denmark/niece! learned a ton of cool stuff about using fat/aerobic energy to keep going in races. The pyshc test went extremely well– I had a ton of coffee, quite a bit of studying, not to mention the overall repetitiveness of it. Also, I just came back from a 1000m swim (after eating a big lunch – two tacos, salad, and pb and j sandwich),did it slowly, but surely, I saw corrado and pat afterward (on my way to pick up a package. It felt like good things happen when I swim! I saw antonio, too, who told me to “keep going” when I mentioned my interests in psych, poli sci, and anthro! Life is great — alex, also seemed to look at, and respect me as I headed up the stairs. I want to continue practicing humility, and take interest in other people. The slow and long workouts and the need to be “okay” at all three sports are what, trevors said, makes a great triathlete! Can’t wait to continue taking it slow, easy, but doing amazing endurance and fun things! Off to bike! The need for slow, not harsh workouts, just really really long! Was really attractive, just being gentle on your body, but using it to its fullest potential whoo whoo, made me feel sophisticated about the sport – and conserving energy in the swim!


Well, had an amazing experience seeing a cross country race from a different perspective — seing how it “all works”; how coaches and people hosting the race saw “good job”/nice race as runners come into the shoot; there is a biker leading the race; how there is a group of runners in the front in a very tight pack; how there is food for volunteers and runners; how everyone has bibs/pins (it was like a 5k, now that I think about it!) All runners had bib, pull-off things. It felt much less than runnign with a school, but running individually. Running with CC runners (working together in apack would be awesome too). also carson talked about the energy line of the runner in front of you connecting you being extremely important (people who walk across the track/trail break this line and should be yellled at) it was intense and I had fun biking around seeing the different running packs, and a lot of runners said the 5 mile was “relaxed” and they said they were allone for awhile. It was great to see that I could tag behind pat, and just have fun.

7:08 pm

I was watching the matrix and made the connection of the career center, even though I loved the pay/it stuff, was kind of like the agents/neo’s job — while it stuff and definitely cross country (the harshness/rawness of it) reminded me of the “real world”. the ernesto sense reminded me of an amelie french guy combo and morpheus kinid of.

10:30 pm

It seems like there is a paradox with girls. I like girls who do bad things — wild sex, smoke, drink — but I feel with I should be with smarter more socially unrebellios girls for my personal growth and knowledge and for the looking of other people. I guess the latter would be a reason I should neglect. Also, I really want to try to think of my wing as Armstrong basement in terms of talking to listening, intellectual, smart, people around computers — A comfortable environment!

4:04 AM okay, never written this late before! Just cam back from party I left at three at. Feel like I “should”go t parties to balance out my severly, seriously, passionately focused drive in xc with swimming, biking, running solitude, but I don’t seem to mme tgirls sther. I s aw cat, julia, carla, nate, james from our wing. James is like a brother — love that guy. Cat is SOO hot, she is intelligent, smart, attractice — the kind of girl I would introduce topadrs, but taht gold card girl is SO hot, physicaly — really want to bone her. maybe will get her nam.ee I am at odds at getting girls for physical pleasure vs. lifelong compassion/love. Rationally, It seems like I should hook up with whoever is physicaly attractvie — maybve flush that out — then the long term, meaningful intimate, fun, compasssionate, intellectually benefitting relationshisp willl kic in . must get sleep!


Well, I partied hard last night at the lacrosse party, talked to this really fat “de paul” shirt wearing guy, no one seems to be from the city, but rather, from the burbs. I met george, alex, james, nate, carla, julia, may ling, gold card girl, (with the i’m cold gold card), and others. yesterday was a good day b/c I got up at 7, ran, got huge breakfast, then helped with race, then had snack, did psych, finished lewis, watched matrix then partied. I am still confused, frustrated, awkward, and not sure of the presence of/or in genereal “rules” with dating. it seems like girls hint at hooking up, not sure, maybe I should try hinting more at girls I like! I keep thinking people will direct me i the ritght direction, to the person that is most multidimensional fulfillying, but maybe I should have god do that or myself! All teh best . love, john


I am not going to let people affect my time. Senior year I betrayed how passionately I felt about running. I did that because I didn’t take the, not initiative, but self-recognition of I how I felt about running, and let other people affect my time. I should try to be “like Minor” when I run — no intellectual, sensitvie stuff, just running. The triathalon and the run with groups is similar because they both have me sit back and not have fun with it. Wow, this was one of the worst practices/runs I have ever HAD, EVER! It ran with four guys, when I should have been out running on my own. I stayed with group from some unknown stupid reason (feeling of running with the team being sensitive chatty, some/ldn’t from this stupid assumption that I should run with them! Running is not on cross country. I run, bike, and swim. well, this is a huge lesson in terms of needing to run fast or not. If I have things to say in class, similarly, I should say them! I felt DURING the run, untill I met the group, great! I swam 1000m (did an awesome hard-deep breathing thing in the the pool) FROM 2-230PM. Then I ate an apple OJ, mozza sandwich, and nibble of a cookie before 3. I breathed out of my chest, upward, while tucking/pulling my stomach in. So my food was perfectly in the center of my torso. Great time. I don’t know if coach “knows” i am fast, or if other runners do. But thinking about minor and jeff gives me clarity. What would minor be like if he didn’t “pull minors” and just run? He wouldn’t be “minor”! He would be just a lost, slow, suffocated hidden runner! The more I do these “run “with them” but at there pace” the more of my personal self/core I violate — the more identity I lose, the more I stay in moratorium, instead of identity achievement, continuing to train on my own, and running past those guys, works great!

9/16/03 Wednesday


Wow, went for a 2500m swim, 1.5 mile, then biked to Manitou, ran on the mountain trails there (Intemann Nature tree) hella cool, then biked back in time for dinner with Ben and Kevin, soccer juggling with erin, joe, and john, then martial arts for which I was exhausted. Class debate went well, even though I felt sick and I want to try to do a track workout tomorrow! One wierd thought I had was that this would is totally for me, just as much as it is totally for someone else, everyone else. Want to read am exhausted. Also the casey thing is a paradox, I love/gogoogogo gaga crazy over her/smart bright funny witty, the whole bag, but I am just too darn shy to go over there and talk to her I don’t know “what will happen”. i’ve only had sex or whatever with a girl when I’ve been drunk, so I don’t know how to feel comfortable doing it while sobe. All the best, Love,



Totally awesome day today!! I swam 1.5 miles(and saw travers in the pool!), biked to the Garden of the Gods, and then a 2:42 800m and a 6:38 1-mile for cross country practice. After going to the senior center for psychology. The eating/ especially drinking juice immediately after, .5 hour, a workout, that travers told me about, was huge! Gotta eat right after, too! Watching/listening to comedy is good stuff. I remember the “dance” being facial smiles/and good, unspoken, emotional communication with facial movements. I learned this from psychology with the smiling baby (engage), with the mother.


11:30pm. Wow, felt really drained today. Class was long. swam, worked on my report, biked to manitou, ran in the mountains, met some guy “Bob Frick”, went back showered, rastall, then saw Jim, crazy guy from World’s Gym! Then went to Hard Candy. Casey was frickin hysterical. Didn’t go with girl casey. I realized that I am introverted. Maybe accepting that will allow me to be more peaceful. I pray that lord will give me peace with myself, my achievements, girls, school, sports, family, and life in general! Love life.



Okay I feel that it is really important to explain to myslef that I am NOT prefontaine in resemblance, reincarnated, relation, whatever. I need to do this so that I can run freely and out of this image of being some runner who I have only seen as an actor portraying him. I work hard, flipped over in my car, and am extremely interested in running, and have people call me by my last name one-syllable nickname– but I have not gotten even close to Pre’s times, nor the olympics, nor a d1 oregon team, nor bill bowerman coach, all the significant things. I may have other things that help prove this invalidity, but I need to recognize that I am not prefontaine in any way, and just love running. Hopefully this way I will be able too be more at peace with myself, true to my feelings, friends, and relationships, and more direct and impeccable with my word.

It seems like some guys just go out with any girl whenever, wherever, whoever. It is obvious that I feel hooking up with any girl (may be possible) but isn’t in tune with my moral aggreements. I just believe in the long-term relatinoships. But I really need to, kind of like the knowing I am not “pre” thing for my personal integrity, sanity, and fulfillment, and want date and hookup with girls, and a girlfriend. I don’t know how to do that mainly, I think, because I think about it too much, or feel that everyone is watching me if I ask a girl out or something. I don’t want to become obsessed with a girl, and just want to share play, hookup, and learn. I really want to find out a way to feel that I am with a girl, and no one is observing or evaluating me and my relationship with her (which is the case!)

Finally, I remember how cool it was laying in bed, listening to music, in space camp. I remember having nothing on my mind and feeling so engaged and clear and free, because I had been so immersed in stuff that I was so interested in for the entire day. I didn’t feel suffocated, bored, or blunt like I do in some cultural scenes or something. I just felt really sensitized, focused, in control, and happy. I loved that free, light feeling, and think I may want to go into some similar field.! All the best. Love,


09/22/03 Monday

Finished my lab, swam in the morning — ROCKED! If I can get to sleep by 8-9, then I can get up at seven to swim, I went for a 4 hour bikeride!! Past Palmer park, down to Barnes and Powers, rural. I plan to maybe do a team workout tomorrow. Off to sleep! Also, I met a guy in a birdstore showing me directions (a CC alum, coincidentally), he showed me an old 1948 Col Springs map with only 2 main roads – el paso, and templeton gap, I would have really preferred that, less decisions, less ways to get lost! I also want to research mr. palmer!

This week I biked 5 times, ran 5 times, and swam 5 time. Totaly swimming for the week wasasbout 6000m = almost 4 miles


I have swam, biked, and ran the past three days — 2,2, and 2. Today I went to Cheyenne Canyon. I don’t think that ever will be easy. I saw tyler and sarah, which wsa cool, and am exhausted 10:20pm.

I realized that I kind of have a problem with recieving — people giving me stuff. I went into dan castaneda and kris’s room to watch a movie — and they made me popcorn! And gave me a cup of soda! I totally couldn’t believe it. I felt so exposed, useless, helpless, and trapped. They were just being nice, but I don’t handle being given stuff

well at all! I realized that I feel so uncomfortable when people give me things b/c the things that are given to me, I don’t look at as mine! The food that I get in rastall, food given to me, that I have to experience with the person who gave it to me. I try not to “taste” it! Or try not to enjoy it , because internally I don’t except it as mine. I didn’t do that with ari’s house — maybe because I knew him. That could be it, I knew people way before we share stud liek that I’ll figueri it out!

Biked to doctor’s appoint. new streets. 20+ miles! Awesome ride. woke up lat 130

Okay, letting people “use” MY time. SO MOTHER FUCKING PISSSED OFFF! I wanted to get smashed, and went to 421, ended up watching a movie with rob downing 5 beers behind me. I asked him once, but he didn’t hear me. I wanted to drink the whole time. I wanted to drink like no other, but other people weren’t why> wTF! WTF! Why don’t more people drink when I am around. Is it that manipulative shit. I felt like I was going to cry the whole time. I got so pissed and wanted break stuff, b/c I just sweat like crazy in 421 while watchign the movie, and wanted to paty! i felt used like those fuckers were watching me, and wasting my party time. I wanted to fucking kill them. TDamn it, not really, so fucking pissssssaawefofhjwefoipwidjfFUCK!. noq I M NOt int eh mood to drink . fuck. Are people manipulating me? Knowing I want todrink, then temptign me with it? Feel’s that way!! So pissed. fucker. Iwanted to meet girls. Do I need to be more assertvie with these poepl.e Or ditch them and hang out with people that make me feel better. feel like shit , fuckers.


Wow. Feel so together, complete focused, as though I have a purpose, driven for future progress in kumite, technique, kata. Karate has everything I am interested in all in one area. It has japanese language, philosophy, artistic kinesthetic techniques, sparring, self-defense, body/mind philosophy and focus. I feel like this Gasshuku had bits and pieces of XC stretching, triathalon words of wisdom, but I felt COMPLETE with karate — focused, TRUE TO MYSELF IS WHAT I FELT, I felt secure, true, wise, in control! Amazing. It’s a very DEEP, innate, grounding sense of harmony, peace, control, extreme interest in learning more and comfort that I feel from that much martial arts training. I truly felt as though I was being true to myself! Ooos!


Wow. Have an afternoon class this block. I went for a 1000m swim, biked to manitou trail, ran up to the “stretching tree”, then biked back, all from 10:00 – 11:30!! 1.5 hours for the entire bike/run workout! I felt incredibly strong riding back. My back felt arched the right way, My back shoulderblade muscles wer tensed in a way so that I felt like my torso was flat and that I was doing a push-up off my bike handlebars!! It felt amazing, and I am so awake for class this afternoon! I need to figure out doctor appointments, and chicago marathon plane stuff, though. I may take anthro, chem. Don’t know. the Taiwan abroad program sounds incredible thoughh! I can take chem, psych, and neuranatomy –!!! Jeeez, totally totally interesting amazing stuff! I hope I can sit peaceful through this clas!! Welll, I’m off to it!


Well, I really dislike the blandness of religion and politics. The topic is really interesting, but it moves really slowly. I love applying my knowledge (testing myself with problems in the book, multiple choice, or whatever). Mayve rel. and rel. + politics will grow on me. The teacher seems to be extremely intelligence (she lived in the yucutan, and was born in paris!) I do not feel well, my stomach aches, too. But I loved meeting Lindeman (chemistry yesterday) and discussing chemistry, most of which I rememberd! I remember so much from 4 years ago! We both agreed that this was a significant sign that chemistry/science was something that greatly interested (and still interests) me! All the best,




Wow, have massive, explosive, naseaous diarhea. On the upside, I finished my homework ,dorian gray (loathing book), and am started Doug Adams (whoo-whoo). I biked to Palmer Park, ran some trails, had diarrhea, biked hom, ran 70 pages in Dorian, biked all around — got lost, found Tinsletown, though. Biked back, Rastall, finished dorian, did homework. read awesome adams quotes:

“He [Adams] goes through life with a brain the size of a planet, and often seems to be living on a different one.” (so me sometimes).

“I find the whole business of religion profoundly interesting. But it does mystify me that otherwise intelligent people take it seriously”. (awesome biblical quote). heh).


Awesome IM Soccer game today! We won 4 to 3! Two people fasted, “hi” helped score points — I sprinted down once (Surged) and felt all of my leg energy coming from my stomach — felt strong, tight, really powerful.


my legs are like logs — can’t believe I biked to manitou, ran (2.5), ran (.5) agaoin, played a 40 min.(1h) soccer game, then did 2 hours of martial arts


Wow, Karate has made my upper quads extremely sore and blocked – -have to watch out for that. The Karate 20 Golden rUles are really interesting — one of my favorites is thinking of you oponents hands and legs has swords — keeps you cautious.

I haven’t been feeling well with my class — miss the science of psych., but am going to try to enjoy having fun in college and in life! Ireally want to work on tomorrow syaing what an awesome amazing, great, guy I am — the entire day! To see what happens!


Been thinking about why Ted kicked me off the team. The most obvious is –

I am not fast enought to keep up with the other runners. But I am extremely self-motivated and driven.

I am faster than most of the runner’s and won’t have anyone to run with. Pretty wierd way to treat a good runner, doesn’t relaly make sense, unless he thinks me running with the team won’t help me or the team. What the hell was with Murray’s grading deal?

The paper’s I wrote were exquisiste in style, material, and knowledge. The only thing I can think of is that she was giving me my “one” bad grade. It’s the only thing I can think of that makes sense.

Or she wanted me to argue my grade.

Or she suddenly went insano, and thought my writing was bad compared to the rest of the class.


Wow, really wierd dream. I dreamdt that Eva Sosnowska came to live with me and my family and she was all over me. This is my 9th night or something dry, the pill really seams to be working!


Well, I just finished the marathon and I am sore as heck! Quads- hips, shoulders, traps. calves. Yep- everything is covered! I can’t believe that I did my first 15k in 56:06, which is18:36 5ks IN a ROW — 3 of them, consistently, back-to-back! Cannot blieve that! I attribute that to, not whacking, eating a ton of pasta, getting mucho sleep, and doing a ton of intense biking/running training. 15k is totally my race! I check on line and an old 15k race of 2000+ runners, and I would have gotten 3rd place in the WHOLE race! Because third place was a time of 58 min.!! That is awesome. I was so glad for this chip times, or else my quickness would have gone unaccounted for because it would have blended into me slowing down for the next couple of miles. This is such a huge confidence booster, and breakthrough race that I was looking for. I am almost more excited about the 15k time than finishing the marathon! I am actually. Then that I ran 16 miles immediately AFTER the 15k freaks me out even more! Whoo-whoo!

One thing about class that has been killing me is how I need to go to the bathroom, 3 plus times in class, I try not to, so I hold it, then I get all sweaty, twitchy, fidgety, and uncomfortable, like I am about to explode. If I don’t drink water for the 3 hour class — I get really dehydrated, stuffy, and feel sick, so that isn’t an option. Do you think its okay to go to the bathroom 3+ times during class? My only concern is that it might look odd, rude to teacher, or lower my participation grade. Not sure, though.

I feel so amazing after that marathon race, and am SO happy about finding out that I am pretty good at 15ks! I really want to register for one now!

All the best,

John Kuczmarski


Gosh — I don’t know why I haven’t told anyone about the marathon. It just feels awkward with them going “woah, you ran a marathon?” yep. wow, that’s awesome, thanks. Just seems cheesy, that’s all. I can’t believe how fast I ran my 15k, in a col. springs race, I would have gotten first place in the whole race! I am certain that, right now atleast, that is definitely my race.


Well, I kind of have been realizing that I should have to eventually get a girlfriend. Right now, I don’t really want one, and following my dad’s logic, I’ll probably get one because of that. It is just so restraining and time consuming. I would so much rather be running around joking wi


Well, I kind of have been realizing that I should have to eventually get a girlfriend. Right now, I don’t really want one, and following my dad’s logic, I’ll probably get one because of that. It is just so restraining and time consuming. I would so much rather be running around joking with people, not having to contain my energy. Most of the girls I have been with, makes me feel like I am in anoter class. Maybe this isn’t the case wit hall girls, maybe I can actually find a girl that I can get excited in conversations with, and learn, and get new information, and grow, and joke around and be comfortable with — if all girls are an annoying class-like burden, thing, where I don’t follow my own values and beliefs and jsut kind of let them take-over and use my time — that’s going to SUCK! I have faith that that isn’t the same with all girls though.


Being wise in gung fu does not mean adding more but being able to remove sophistication and ornamentation and be simply simple – like a sculptor building a statue not by adding, but by hacking away the unessential so that the truth will be revealed unobstructed. Gung fu is satisfied with one’s bare hands without the fancy decoration of colorful gloves, which tend to hinder the natural function of the hands. The height of cultivation always runs to simplicity while halfway cultivation runs to ornamentation.


I have been thinking a lot about Costa rica, surfing, and pursuing my own happiness. In costa rica, i had difficulty going to surf. I felt awkward or guilty doing somethign that brought me happiness unless the others were doing it to. I guess if I just look at myself not in any group, league, club, whatever. I would do what makes me happy, and my group would become the people that are ther ewhen I ampursuing what makes me happiest.. How do I evolve that independence/autonomy it’s a mindset that I :have to cultivate — one of self-interest, efficinecy, etc.

Gung Fu Man

mind not confined to one area

(wu-shin) no-mindedness/non-attachment

simplicity not ornamentation

no unnatural action (wu wie — nonaction)

support all things in their natural stage (spontaneity)jj


Well I am going to try to look at people as if they are younger than me. Hopefully, this way I wont get so worried and anxious and obedient and I can talk a lot and have fun. When I am with older/same age peoplle I become a mute that cant express what he wants. I am going to try to not do that by telling myself I am an amazingly great person and just have fun with people.

I realized that maybe I haven’t had a girlfriend is because, simply, I hae n’t wanted one! Usually if I want something I acquire it somehow. But, I want to hook up and play with people. maybe now I am ready to make teh commitment to a girlfriend.


CLOSURE! I realized that everything — everything!!! Everything!!! in my life right now, — my life, not anyone elses life, or “the state of the world or something, but my personal life — is about closure! This is so because I don’t have ANY closure on anything!! Everything Everything is up in the air! Every little action I take I try to make sure I have freedom and options, so I don’t make any sacrifices. When you make closure to something you commit yourself to it — allowing you to pursue it more readily — but you sacrifice other options!! I am nearly unable to sacrifice ANY options. One day I think I will seriously pursue running, the next day, I plan to surf after college! Here’s a run down of the things I don’t have closure on:

Cross country:(I don’t know if I am good enough to be on the team — I don’t even know if I AM or AM NOT on the team, for heaven’s sake!

Girls: I don’t know who my girlfriend should be. I don’t know how to date in college. I don’t even know if you do date in college. I don’t know by what criteria I should base my girlfriend on — should they be a friend, attractive, intellectual. I don’t know if other people know about having a girlfriend or not in college. I don’t know if they should be a burden, or they should make me happy. I don’t know if a girlfriend should require “maintenance” or we can just hook-up whenever. I don’t know what I can or cannot do when hooking up with a girl (How far I can go after dating a certain time or even what types of positions we can do I don’t know) I don’t know how long relationships last. Some last a night, some last months! I don’t know how I should react if I see a hot girl or if I am attacted to a hot girl — should I do a “double-take”, should I look at her, talk to her, “play it cool”.

Marathon: I ran the marathon two weeks ago and I haven’t told ANYBODY in all of Colorado!! That’s the epitemy of not having closure!

Major: Picking an academic major is huge type of closure, but it is something that I don’t want to sacrifice other options!

Sports: I don’t know which sport I’m best at — Martial arts, running, biking, swimming, triathalon, surfing. I don’t know which one makes me the most happy; brings me the most comfort.

Workouts: One other aspect of closure that I realized is true is with workouts. Sometimes I don’t even want to make closure with workouts, so in a sense, I never stop working out! Craziness.

Social Situations: Right now, everything is so up in the air, I am extremely frustrated when people say “Good bye” because that is a type of closure! When people say “good luck” I am even frustrated because, so much of my day relies on luck when I make nothing have closure!

It’s something that I have repelled my life away from. I have undergone the greatest strife to attain a boundryless state. Well, I’m there but I am floating! I am not committed to anything, so anything is my option, but I can’t really pursue anything — sports, girls, majors — without making closure. It would be better for me right now, to make closure and have that closure be a mistake, than to not have closure at all! Ultimately, I want to remember how applicable the issue of closure is to my life (even in freshman and sophomore years of higschool) so that I can start making some sacrifices and putting closure to things so I can gain some stability in my life!

Switching to LP was definitely a “type” of closure. It was my first, and probably biggest step, toward making some type of closure in my life. And I told everyone — parents, friends, the principal of the school even! And it was closure on my part to say that switchign to LP was a mistake! Picking CC as my college was closure, too. It seems that I am narrowing my closures, from some things (which school I should attend) to smaller things — majors, girlfriends, sports, etc.

Heck, I just realized that probably 80% of the girls I dated picked “me” or showed they had interest in me. So I never really had closure to them! I just kind of went with flow, and if they liked, me great. I still kept other options open. The only girl I can think of that I truly made closure to by dating was Alexa. I knew by asking HER, I was making a sacrifice and making closure. It was the best relationship I ever had, though! Again, closure is my thing now!

Man, I owe all of this newfound “closure” knowledge to the conversation I just had with dad. In allowing this huge amount of crystal clear understanding (all of what my dad and I discussed regarding lack of closure that is) to sink in, I have undstood something else. By not allowing myself to make any closure, I don’t understand when something is not an option for me. Therefore, I don’t know when someone else is telling me “no”. This is good because it keeps me positive, but I have to have some types of closure!


I did a CRAZY – the hardest, ever, seriously, travers workout today. 100pull, 100kick, 100pull, 100kick, 100 pull warmup. 5 x 100s @ 1:45, then 4 x 200s @ 3:45; then he gave me stroke work about extending my stroke!! He was such an amazing help. I really want to do that workout; and improve it so I can do it without being extremely sore.

Okay, dealing with Kat. I really like her, but it is a crush. I have no way of talking to her. I don’t know her number, how to reach her, what she does, I’ve seen her play soccer, live in spanish house, party, that’s about it. I remember I helped her with her computer set-up last year, but that’s it. I realized that even if I didn see her in some common place — like Rastall — I would be to freaked out/nervous/paranoid that others would be watching me, or think we were on a date. And if I did work up the guts to sit with her — she’ll be having a blast with all her friends or it will be extremely awkward and uncomfortable, I’ll say something stupid, and end up wanting to get out of there, blowing the whole thing. Maybe I should slow down. I try to exhaust myself durign the day for workout s and so that I am more relaxed if I get to see her! But I do all this preparation to see and then I never see her, or, if I do, I am way to nervous to do anything. If I was just naturally happy, and calm, and normal around her that would be best — but I guess that would mean that I wouldn’t like her that much.

1:38 am

Okay, why can’t I sleep with a girl? I really NEED to have sex. More sex. I am a horny 19 going on 20-year old. It’s like eating food adn drinking, I must have sex with girls.


Well, I finally hooked up with a girl at CC! Zoe, it rocked, she had massive boobs. But on a mental and happiness level I am even more happy and well-off! I started doing this “spatial reading” thing, where when I am out and about with friends I read everything — bottle labels, posters, shirts, logos, everything. It keeps my mind entertained and me active and happy! That and rotating my wristst (like in sparring) keeps my mind entertained. Also, I have been doing a lot realizing about the whole closure thing. Getting closure on those e-mails and xcountry was fantastic. I am looking and feeling amazing. I gave myself a haircut == 1/2 all around, 3/8 on the sides. Awesome length – it looks and feels awesome. One other thing I realized was that the Ashley girl had never hooked up with a guy before — she said she had never seen a guy’s groin area. This made me realize the special thing that making out/hooking up is, and I still want to respect it! Thank you so much god/dad/my brain for the clarity I have had, the intelligence I have been able to utilize to help me overcome obstacles and pursue live enthusiastically — my health, my incredible luck, and the contacts I have been fortunate enough to have to make intelligent, wis,e kind, funny friends, athletic inspirers, girls, and professors!

I loved swimming, too. I feel that that swim just really helped but my body in INCREDIBLE alignment, and since the body fuels the mind, and since swimming works every muscle in the body, I ended up feeling incredible mentally and physically. Evan seemed a little looked down upon by girls, and this really frustrated me that they almost had prejudice against him as some dork or something, so I kept trying to complement him and show them that they shouldn’t make first impressions because he was a cool guy.

Regarding Zoe, she is a very hot girl, but kind of ditzy. I am definitely going to respect her feelings and not pull what I did freshman year, hooking up with everyone. Kat is such a cool girl all-around, so I atleast want to try to talk to her about stuff! Also, that rocked last night, but I didn’t know if she wanted to hookup more, or if she was hesitant, or controlling, probably more hesitant. I will try to get some closure on that as to where we stand. I don’t know if we were mutally doing a one-nigher, and if so, I don’t know if we should make an effort to stay in concact or not . I also don’t know if we were doing something that might lead to a more serious relationship. I don’t think I really wanted that, but I don’t know. If she does, I don’t know how I’ll respect that, but I’ll try.


Okay, if girls “know what guys want” why don’t they give it to us? Why do they entice us? Maybe we should think that we know what they want. I need to rember — closure, closure, closure. Everytime I hear someone say “goodbye” and I am frustrated I should recognize that I am not or have not been making closure to something. When I meet a girl that I like this is what I do: I am hesitant to speak with her. I says some stuff, then back off regardless of her reaction, then I go try to stay stuff to her again and I will only keep talking to her if she “let’s me”; that is, if she shows signs if she wants to talk to me. If she doesn’t, then I completely back-off. The problem with this approach is that she is always in full, total control. I am only going as far as she want. Why can’t it be that she goes as far as I want? Gender roles, history of stereotypes, masculine dominancy, masculine horniness maybe. If women went as far as men wanted, then maybe all men and women would be having sex non-stop! I don’t know at all how I should base or gauge how far to go in a relationship with girl. I don’t ever want to come off as a pimp/rapist/man-whore/I don’t want to scare them away.


Okay, A lot has gone down. Phil. I am staying in. Even though I hate it. This girl zoe reminds me of an alexa/taylor combo, which is interesting because I have had a different outlook on life with more experience so maybe I can juggle the relationship better. There are so many things I want to say in class, but I don’t because of politeness of conversation, mainly. If I get cut off, I don’t know really what to do. I also can’t believe I went to Kat’s room yesterday. That was SO gutsy/awesome. zoe is pretty hot, but the Bi thing is kind of wierd. The martial arts thing has a lot to do with my class awkward participation. I really hope that I can continue doing well in life — girls, friends. Ireally really really!!! Like the friends in my wing. Jocelyn reminds me of Lisa, so it seems like it’s an entire wing of us just hanging out and having fun — the type of fun we have when Lisa is here!! The freshman thing, is odd. I notice that the freshman are so much more enthusiastic. I mean, I saw james and mike, and they barely said Hi to me — actually, they didn’t. I am always eager to say hi to everyone.  Maybe they thought it would be “uncool” to do that infront of the class or something, huh. Well, if this philosophy professor is gay, then, that’s interesting.  I was a little afraid that he might “hit” on me, and I wouldn’t know what to do, but a female teacher has never really “hit” on me so, hopefully that won’t happen. I really like Kat, the more I think about Zoe, the more I want to end it — straight up, that I am wasting my time, but it would be fun just to hang out and whatnot. I am really self-conscious of what others might think about us hanging out. It seems like if Kat went abroad, I would feel wierd. Man, I really don’t want to act stalkerish about her. I just feel like I would never be wasting my time with her — I would always try to engage myself. With other girls I am sometimes like “get me out of here and let me have my own time”. Well, I am about ready to make the change to hang out with girls that, would be a lot more gutsy to ask out, but would be so much more fun hanging out with them because there would actually be a cool friendship, intead of just people hooking up with other people for their bodies. Kat kind of reminds me of Alexis almeida, for some wierd reason. Oh well, I just want to be aware that I want to make a gradual change socially and academically — to start hanging out with people that are all around fun, not like I am wasting my time. And classes/teachers that are all around fun that aren’t wasting my time.


Okay, I saw Kat today at the spanish dinner. I talked to her about something — I don’t remember what. I should have gone up to see her before she came down. I want to build up a base/friendship first, so that I can tell her what I really want to say, which is : “Kat, I think I head-over-heals about you. My friend mike told me that I had this really lengthy conversation last weekend about how I have always had a crush on you. I don’t remember having the conversation, but I almost knew it was true. I always true to play it cool and act “normal” with girls that I like, that I really really really really like. It’s almost like anyone I really truly like, I neverwill be able to because I don’t want to show that because then I am vulnerable to being humiliated by the entire school knowing that I liked you. Jeez, I really really really truly NEED to tell you this, so I can atleast get it out and not have such a huge psychological, emotional, crazy blockade in my life anymore.


Man, I realize that I almost always only do something that others tell me to do. I workout on my own, etc. But when I actually want to do something. I almost have to have someone else tell me that I should do that or can do that. IT’s like I need permission for things that I want to do! Eat junk food, talk to Kat, all that stuff.


Wow, halloween yesterday. My first D1 Hockey AND girls soccer game all on the same day! Can’t believe it took that long. After writing my paper (doing my homework right away), I tried to see if Kat was around, she wasn’t so I left a message, and it felt so good trying everything I could trying to get in touch with her. I visited the spanish house twice, and left the message. After I did that, I somehow felt extremely peaceful. I kept thinking to myself, “hey, there’s nothing to worry about all”. I realized there IS truly nothing to worry about whatsoever — with my parents, even if they aren’t “perfect” or even if they are, I can’t think of ANYTHING to worry about!! It is such an amazing feeling, because I am so used to worrying about grades, appearance, impressions, expectations, everything!


Zoe just callled, and I am always extremely sensitive to the extremely complex arena of emotions, and I hate having them roll around in my head, and unsettle me. She seemed to sad on the phone, and I don’t really know what to say. She’s too ditzy, lesbian, outrageous, and whatnot. We’re on totally different levels. It’s just frustrating trying to talk with her.


I just realized that a huge key to getting girls is playing hard to get. This is completely different from acting indifferent, uninteristed or unmotivated. It is definitely NOT acting like that. You should still be really motivated, exciting and stuff, but you want THEM to like you, and you be hard to find or something, which is exactly waht Kat is doing right now. I can’t believe it! Well, I feel really really comfortable being at my computer again. I think I am going to go for a bike ride.


Went for a really interesting bike ride — slow, long, and contemplative. I thought about how often I work out and how it seems to be mainly all for girls. I thought about how I always seemed to have been seeking for “the perfect” person — my soul mate. This seems extremely similar to Tom Fort, with his “romantic” love relationships. I am not saying that I like tom in some homosexual way, but I was just drawing the connection of similarity so that I realize that we seem to have similar huge bouts of emotional expression. They are a ton of fun. I am exhausted and must eat, however. I also thought about how philosphers, writers, maybe that is the whole point of life to find a “soul mate” person. Gott get food. III


Okay Woke up at 11:30 – long hard run. had salad, awesome class – about color and pain. Then I hung out. Went for late night hardcore manitou bike ride, had dinner, karate (really really intense class. I tried calling Kat atleast 4 times today. Finally, I left a message about portuguesses lessons. It’s to frustrating and time consuming – feeling vulnerable by leaving a message kind of feels good, feel a lot more open conversationally with other people. I think I might be better off with Anna, but I’m not sure. It doesn’t seem like kat live’s there because jericho ahs the answering machine, kat’s never there, and she was on jericho’s bed that other time. I just really don’t want it to be a manipulative mind fuck thing. I am definitely not pressure it and move on. If I see her in a cool situation, great. I am not going to avoid her, but I’ll just hang out and let things happen. I am definitely confident taht someone — toa, god, something – has stuff planned out in some great cool plan. I’lve tried to get in touch with her alot though. Well, off to sleep!


Just played soccer and realized lightness of feet is the best way to play, quick, tapping feet on the toes while running, and the straight-line run. It was SO much fun to play with Andrew Y., Mitch, Draft, Parry, Miles, Me, Jared, Brad, and others. Soccer ROCKS!!! Ohter news, Realized how great life is that I could play soccer, watch, hopefully Bev. Ninja and soul calibur, be constantly surrounded by beautiful women, and have feast for a cafeteria!! Amazing!


Just came back from a run AFTER eating rastall dinner — went really well. I stomached the food ALOT better than I thought! I have to remember to run from my bladder (pointing outward), and stick my butt out, while keeping my back arched slightly back.

2:51 — Okay, I don’t know why I drink. It damages my party and everyone calls me a girl, sloppy, smelly, gross, lame, week, and I hang out with all these dildos who just make me feel extremely stupid, unexperienced, and inadequate. This feels like Hell. Pure hell. When I tried to smoke I kept running into people — it was impossible to go the party, it totally sucked. All the girls were stupid and pissed me off. What would be interesting would be to imagine if this was like highschool. I hate “bowing down” to girls — or anyone except god, period. So Ifeel humiliated when I feel I have to do that.


Okay, I had to write about this day even though it is 5:10 am (and I haven’t gone to sleep yet) because it could be one of the best days of my life! I don’t know if it was because I had a cool talk with Peder, I ate salads, I ran, and only ran twice, I wrote poetry (and since English was my intended major and I constantly love reading, maybe this “aligned” me or gave me confidence), but this day rocked!! I drank last night – faily heavily. Dan Dolores got hammered and gave everyone tequilla shots with his infamous triple shot. Today I woke up, ran, got breakfast with peder, dylan, apples, brian, zack. I was talking to peder — cool 24 year-old swede. Then I researched runners (swedes, and whatnot), then worked on my rhyming “soul to body” dialectic for philosophy class, after watching “dead poet’s society” that double poetry connection made me feel often. I finished dead poet’s then I hung out untill around 7:00ish then ran at night. Both runs I didn’t use music (my ipod didn’t work at night). Then I went to the sage, and bought a salad, and then I saw Anna! From my old wing! The awesome amazingly cool anna! She was with seth, so I think they are going out or something, but it was so coincidental and saw awesome that I saw here! I drank so JAgermeister “in the sage”! Then talked about how she lives on montgomery and how she was going to the club hockey game. I rounded up Peder to go (after leaving my, then retrieving, gold card at teh sage). The club game was roudy, I sat in front of JMR (jammer) (from the philosophy class) who kept yelling in my ear by accident, I saw Anna for a split second and said something, but then left back to slocum. Walked to the closed C-Store with zack, dylan, and brian. Said dylan looked like William Dafoe. Then went with rob to this soccer house party — which was a TON of fun! the house was really cool, and I kind of danced with Hilary. I saw Kat, too! She was hanging out with some kind of gruggy, hefty, wierd looking sloppy guy. I asked her about her leg, and then went back to slocum where Rob had a mini-party, then I watched saving silverman! I wasn’t nervous with kat, and dismissed it so easily! I felt so natural talking with anna, and with kelly — later that night ,about how she hangs out with girls and how they always sneer at her because she hangs out with boys (just to chill with them not date/hookup) so they , with misguided thinking, she’s a whore — not true. Awesome day off the bed. I really like my poem/dialogue thing too! Ipout ALOT – james, writing style , time into it! over and out your the best. love,



I am going to try to talk to doctors so I don’t blame myself for not having a solution to wetting. I am going to talk to ernesto so I don’t feel frustrated with all his criticism administered during class. Iam going to try to embrace the “frightened” feeling so that I can not get anger, scared, or frustrated, choose to rationalize it, and respond in a healthy direct manner.


Well, went for a bike ride (manitou, intemann, colorardo ave) again, had an hour 1:15 class today, then I think I will play soccer or bike ride to Palmer. Because parry won’t let me on his team, probably the latter. Feel awesome! all the best. Sincerely, John Kuczmarski


Okay, wierd dream: I was going to go swimming, even though casey told me not to. But I didn’t because I had to many books and junk in my backpack to worry about (if it would get stolen or not).

I had the martial arts test yesterday and got purple belt (5th kyu) even though I was going for 3rd kyu(brown). It was cool because michelle got 3rd and I am two belts under her anyway. I came back, ate chinese, ran, went to hobbit, watched identity, went to jungle boogie, had sex with zoe. Really, really frickin’ sore after sex and martial arts1!! My lats,lower legs, everything! I really want to try to get good grades — valedictorian-style like robin. He is a very cool guy. It was wierd that people asked me if I knew robin and casey — they’re good guys.


Feel pretty drained. did the incline yesterday, haven’t eaten. Really want to get food! Cya.


Okay, I am going to be emotionally honest: I hate talking with zoe — no hate’s to strong of a word. It’s frustrating. She always has to be upbeat, and cherry, and enthusiastic. That’s what I want in a girl, but she is always wanting to hang out. I feel embarassed being with her around other people, in general. She is just big and chunky. Good things about her are that she is enthusiastic, kind, sensitive, communicateive, easy to talk to, and open to sexual stuff.


Okay, I was vissciously sick with hopefully, just food-poisoning yesterday. I felt like I was going to die! I puked and had to run out of the computer lab into a bathroom! I really needed to bike in the mornings, and I felt that sitting through class at the beginning sucked. I am liking my class a little more, now, but I hate afternoon rides. Must be morning. Well, I going to try to work ahead, and get a little run in. For a swim toworrow morning.


Wow wierd dream. I dreamt that Dr. Shultz or sorchett, pretty sure shultz, was making watch these movie segments of penelope cruz (or maya?) and label them as “pretty”, “attractive”, “sexy”, etc. I couldn’t figure out the labels he wanted for each picture so he told to me to ask myself to label the pictures based on where they were in the movie. Then I dreamt about this mexican guy who put some wierd gel all over himself that semi-prevented sharks from biting him, then he went into shark-infested waters and got bites all over his achilles. Someone, I think professor Montano or Shultz went in and pulled him onto a boat, or sub.


Okay I realized that I only do sexual, and eating things for myself when I am alone because I do not want to set a bad example, I do not want people to thing that I am a horny, sloppy, guy who eats greesy pizza. I have a problem of enjoying MYSELF when I am around others. I eat the foods that I think you’re “socially” supposed to eat, or do the “socially acceptable” sexual stuff. I do this because I want tobe a “good” person. My moral value system is based on societal values. This is (I hope) right before I develop my own moral system, and do not care what society/others things, because I will be doing whatever myself, guiding my own morals on my own.

I don’t know if I can take this class — this is when I started puking my guts up last year. I think its the math, maybe it just doesn’t settle with me or something. I can’t breath during this class – throughout the whole day, I feel plagued by burdens, I hate the class lab. We’re together for nearly 6 hours! I have no privacy, it sucsk! I really don’t want a repeat of Latin sr. year where I couldn’t focus, I want to focus, get great grades in this, and then train for tri, or just exercise.

I feel like I need a bunch of time to do stuff — free time. I hate reading stuff on a schedule and running on strict schedule (unless it is the exact same everyday like bloc 2 and 3!)


This is seriously one of the hardest most difficult days of my life. I am spending WAY to much time with my class. My partner is a moron who, worst of all, reminds me of mike. Mikey M is so frustrating because he doesn’t really care about anyone, but himself. He is an emotional idiot. I would never give someone who went through an emotional crisis a newspaper article like he gave me. That frustrated the hell out of me. I couldn’t prevent myself from crying in class today, almost every 10 seconds I felt something bubble up. It was really wierd It maybe was an accumulation of stress ( from things to do today, quizzes, difficulty of understanding material), having all these objects shoved in my brain (sybmols without explanaion (like computer science), not eating from an insanely long bike ride, and getting back so late last night. The feeling like I am being watched is killing me in class, I kept feeling like people were looking at me. I remember last year. Sitting through class was hard after running, today it was very hard because of not running!

I have been spreading myself WAY to thin. I have class, meetings, and talking with friends revolve around swimming, biking, running. They keep seeming to hint at what is best for me. Overall, I can’t do ANY of those because of so many fucking commitments.


I was talking with dad and realized: “The number one thing I need to worry about is being at peace with myself”.

“It’s okay to have fantasies, but I have to accept them and acknowledge them AS fantasies!”


Okay this day has ROCKED So far! It’s 2:00, I’m about to do a manitou bike ride. I ran this morning, took the prob/stat quiz, then had an awesome class, where I didn’t “worry about how I should sit, or when I should look at the prof, or how I should ask questions, or something” Everything just came REALLY naturally! I asked some great questions, said some awesome remarks, and totally absorbed the information, actively. As a result, my notes were REALLY crisp and organized!!! It totally rocked!! Off to bike.


I have created now some patterned mindset patterns that frustrate the heck out of me. Whenever I have the opportunity to do something that will make me happy, I have a pattern of choosing the things that make me mope and make me suffer. I don’t know what will make me happy around a decision, untill after the decision, because I am so used to. I have been deliberately been trying to make myself unhappy, even since I have tried to break out of my “image” or be “identityless”. The pattern is so ingrained in me, that, even after I take steps to make me happy, I easily fall back into taking steps that make m


I have created now some patterned mindset patterns that frustrate the heck out of me. Whenever I have the opportunity to do something that will make me happy, I have a pattern of choosing the things that make me mope and make me suffer. I don’t know what will make me happy around a decision, untill after the decision, because I am so used to. I have been deliberately been trying to make myself unhappy, even since I have tried to break out of my “image” or be “identityless”. The pattern is so ingrained in me, that, even after I take steps to make me happy, I easily fall back into taking steps that make me miserable.

Because my image and my identity over the past three years has been dismantled, I end up being affected so much by people because I don’t have an image. Having an image is what allows you to interact with people, it is empowering. Not having an image is not “freedom”; it is the way to NOT interact and engage, and have fun with people. Not having an image (having dismantled my image) allows me to not relate with girls and not have fun with girls and feel miserable and frustrated around girls. Not having an image has made it so I am clueless when it comes to decisions, too because I have done so many things that make me unhappy, I don’t even know how to deal with being happy again.

How long have I been doing this shitty – making these shitty decisions where I do stuff taht makes me unhpoayy? Do I like running? I have no fucking idea. I know I love surfing. I hate being uncertain about stuff. I could try using stat.s to answer these decisions in the face of uncertainty. If everytime I surf I love it, the probability that I will like the next time I surf is about 99% sure that I will enjoy it. I have complaied about how running messes up my back, or thought in races that “i hate this, i hate this [running]”. Surfign is just fun as hell. it puts my body in line, gets me ripped, i love it. I have been trying to “find ” a surfign here — biking? I think I chose CC because I thought it would make me unhyappy, and I slipped inot that old pattern, fuck. I need to start doing this that make me happy.


I realized i have been trying to piece together an image by borrowing stuff from other poepke – mikes tlaking fast, brad pitts lat id back style, it furstrates me that I have not been my fucking self, damnt shit fuck. I don’t want to be an agnry irritable person, I want to have fun, carpe diem, love like ,suck the marrow like I did before. I hate thinking I am gay, when I am SO fucking not, damn it. I hate not being able to have fun with girls and havee wild sex with grils, I so want ot be a good person, not a gross jerk person. I SO SO SO miss the days when I loved james and we were cool together and had fun together.  That fucking course made me think our relaitonshp was bogus, when it was the most real relationship I had with a person — every, more than mom, more than dad, now I am fucking intimidated by the guy because he’s so intellegin,t handsone, and loaded with girls. That doen’st piss me off up the wazoo that he’s my younger brother and intimidaets me with his brains, and good looks, but that we lost, and I destroyed our kick butt awesome abmazing relationshp. FUKC that makes me infuritiate.d!

Daminit I want ot be the way I was — loving life, happy, funny, awesome enthustist, peacefful, calm, alive awesome — that I was around my family in michicagin, with everyone. especialyy with my family now, and my wingmates nand poeple at collegt!

I ams sick if tyrign to prove to people that I am smart, funny, not dumb, fast or something, I just want t ohave fun like i used to.


I hate feeling rushed or impatient or like im being attacked hwen i hang out with friend~! I jsut want to be and have fun and not feel like I always have ot recharge or sometihg! having an image allows you r sould to intareta the most, it doens prevent it from interacting!


I punched people jokinglynb


Okay, AWESOME Bike ride, I kept breathing into my stomach the entire ride, felt really fast and strong. And it was a ton of FUN!


Okay casey gave me the scoop of what happened friday. I was crying and talking about kat, not being gay, not wanting people to think I was crazy, and tryint to geet sleep. I found out kat has a boyfriend. I have to admit to myself that she doesn’t like me, know me, are care diddley squat about me. This is sucks. It pisses me off and makes me feel pathetic, but I can’t do anything about it!. I am also kind of pissed off because my dad htought that I hadn’t even tryied to ask kat out, when I had twice. And now I feel even more humilated because he’ll know that I didn’t get with her, when he thinks I should have. Zoe is okay of a relationships, but it seems bland, its practical — we have sex, talk, and discuss stuff. I just have a crush on kat, and I erally want to to get over it but I can’t, letting this stuff sink in about her not caring about me, and having a boyfriend may help me get rid of that. Casey is right about how I should try to take it easier on myself. Maybe I kept spitting because I wanted a fight??Maybe part of why the kat thing is such a big deal is because I am so used to NOT listening to my crushes, and just going along with people who like me.


Okay, Long day. swam 1000m in the mroning, biked to the base of the incline, ran up the barr trail (part way) and biked home. Then did martial arts and went to TWIG. I saw zoe right before twig performance and realized that I always look fro things that make me frustrated in people. Like when she was moving throught the crowd, I saw how she crunched her shoulders inward, so I thought she was insecure. I realized I am afraid of being around other people with her because I think I can do so much better than her. If she was atleast in my grade, that would help a ton!!! In terms of making me feel like I am doing it just for play! or something! Well off to sleep. I realize I need to let the Kat-thing go, tell her to go screw herself, and I would be way to nervous and wouldn’t like it at all if she even did want to hang out with me, so it’s a no-win situation full of anguish that I should just forget about and defenstrate (chuck out the window)!

SEA Journal (2003 – 2004)

Why is the campus so calm (I prefer it that way, but I expected it to be noisy and crazy)?

Is it because I am nervous and people are sympathizing with me?


I can’t take care of myself

Ridiculuos; so self-sufficient; Everything that was needed to get me here, in college, and other stuffI didn all on myh own.

I look flushed, nervous, and anxious in class

I had just gotten back from being lost, no wonder. makes physicological sense.

I get way to hot, nervous and flushed around reannin

I might like her. It’s totally normal to be aroused around people.

I am not being aggressive enough with reannin

I just met her and everyone else yesterday!! On the contrary, I’ve gotten to know her really well, and I’ve made friends with otherpeople too, josh, lee, julie, really quickly extremely quickly learnign a ton of stuff about them

I don’t even like reannin

Could be true, but she’s smart, and if I don’t like her- a good friend that I can learn bio-scieenc stuff from

I don’t go after the girls that I am attracted to physically (even though I know I am)

I have been experimenting with trying to find convseraviotn attratonton too, totally a normal, good-natured, decent endeavor. Nothing wrong with that, but all the same I should hook up with girls I like, if we like each other, makes sense

I get too worried about studies

That’s good to keep me focused, And I have a right to be being jolted here. I’ll adjust, study hard and do awesome.

I shouldn’t be running, but acting

Ridiculous I love running, and hanging out with friends (acting kind of) I can and should continue both. Running allows me to have fun acting with friends/ hanging out

I shouldn’t be running, but trying to be with girls.

Same, ridiculus running allows me to be comfortable with myself and with girls.

I had to much fun at the part last night

I didn’t have too much fun. I simply worked in class for three hours, then worked on maps for 4 — the fun was definitely justified!

I talked to much.

Same as before. There is no such thing as talking to much if I listened to others, which I did. I was enthusiastic about what I was saying and just having a blast and expressing myself.

so much I wasn’t myself.

I was myself trying to be as normal as I could without dominating or shirking from conversation. It was great I was not being not myself. Everyone including me gets nervous in parties.

I tried to show-off by talking too much.

Same as before, just being really enthustiastic because I was so excited.

I was a fool for drinking in the first place.

I need to drink every once in awhile to balance fun with my intense workload!

I am a baby for still having enuresis.

I don’t have control over the condition. That is ridiculous and would be like saying I am a baby for catching a cold or for being paralyzed.

I am not good with numbers/compasses.

Anything that I don’t have practice with, most practically, I won’t be that sharp with. practice will improve my number/compass skills.

I am going to die without a bike.

Ridiculous I can still run

To be comfortable with girls and reannin, I need to bike so I am comfortable with my body.

Could help, but running and general exercise just the same would be just as well to burn of steam. Biking can be bad for my groin too, and it can misalign my bakc. Its still awesome though!


I don’t really know what to do about my feelings toward reannin. It is obvious that I have a crush on her, but I don’t know what to do. Right now, just being friends with her doesn’t feel adequae, but is probably the best thing I can do. I sometimes feel like she is extremely mature and at other times, extremely immature. Maybe this is her social immatureaty, and knowledge of science relaetd stuff maturity shining through. Maybe I should write a poem for her! I’ve done that before and it only worked or seemed authentic in the midst of a relationship — with alexa. Other things on my mind

school work

taken care of by plannign ahaeda

How reannin seems to hlep me be asware of schoolwork

normal and nice

Why did I not talk to her?

Because I thought she wouldn’t ilike me and I was sore the way she talked my head off on the way back and then just said godnight — did she want to show she was smarte than me? Was it a power trip. I was tired and didn’t want to talk back constantly to her. Maybe both tiredness and she wanted to talk I really want to act otneh the emotions and tell her I like her, if aI do. but i don’t want to have to feel like I must drink aroun her. Poem would soeem stupid right now.

Talking in russian was a ton of fun yesterday! All the best. lvoe,


Okay, I realized that I need to wait untill people ask me a question to feel like I need to talk — I don’t ever need to ttalk unless someone asks me a question.  Also, I want feel the constant urge to talkt to people and can talk when I want. Another cool way to keep getting by is to constantly breathe in (short breaths) and say things to myself to keep myself doing things.

okay, if this place was all girls, no authority figs. no guys, It would be heaven, I wouldn’t feel guility or ashamed about hooking up with people and I would enjoy it, do it more often, and wouldn’t have to drink aroudnd them. Also, I can achieve this by not worrying about repurcussions — what p;eole will say/think/god/teachiers everything/I worry what everyone will think if I hook up; wiht a girl. What is wrong with hooking up with a girl? They have to be socially accepted, socially accepted with me, dignified and generally, a good person, or else I’d feel ashamed locked-down or withdrawn. If I could just keep going, then that would be great. I realized everyone wants people to like them — this is power, the knowledge of that — but you don’t want to give away you like another person, normally, then they have the power, but two poeple have t o give up a little power dish out some to hook utp duh.

Spring 2003-2004


Finally back in chi-town ran a 6:05 mile today. Realize that my time in my life is kirting away from me. I was carted off the Cramer ship and back in chicago after the director pushed me off the set and being on paradise island. Using my time the best, is surfing and making money. God I love surfing.




400m (1) sec.















Summer 2003-2004


I met a blond-haired surfer named Eric today while surfing at Rincon point. I cruised down the three tiered staircase platform descending to the beach front, buried my key, stripped off my shirt, and plunged into the water. I was amazed at the affect of not practicing for week had on my balance. I could catch waves fine, but was teetering and unstable, only able to stand up for a few seconds. I paddled down toward the point where I met Eric, the diver and surfer. I informed me that Rincon is best at low tide when the waves donít break on the beach, but the Islands, where he usually dived, were incredible places to surf, especially at China ñ something, Chinatown? ñ and some other place that started with an M. He had heard of Christian Surfers when I told him about my voyage down to Costa Rica, and told me to check out Channel Islands Surfboards and ask for Al Merrickís son, who new of the group! He paddled into shore, leaving me alone on the rocky, choppy ocean, shirtless and getting colder, but loving the gentle touch of the salty sea.


Early I ran into Peter, the 50-year old Swedish biker after I passed the strawberry fields, and we rode to Carpenteria, where I kept going, and saw this really attractive girl who looked like a combo of Taylor, the SEA mate, and a small bit of Maya. I am interested in moving on from thinking that I need to get nervous around girls to get them. I should look at as a time to relax and talk and flirt a little bit, I donít need to get nervous. Even though I only lasted for about an hour at Rincon backside before getting cold, and bored with the lack of waves, cooling off in the oceanís ripples and chill waters was the perfect way to close off a two hour ride! Great day!

08/??/04(Beah’s House Basement, Oregon)

By instigating change that allows the client to slowly progress towards a healthy lifestyle would allow the person to create proactive change and instigate a plan that overwhelmingly allows a person to shut the door on their court skills and play basketball like a mofo. Because if they donít have the purse, they canít hack the hock and the stuff the duck like a foot in a sock. Overall, they can produce crap and make people believe that it is wise and creative and they can insinuate a change of pace so that the overall masterpiece is interesting and inviting. But the end result is a bunch of chairs with books stacked high so that the old radio canít produce the ribs to by Carson Daily is a fag so wag the tag for the shooting deer and produce a situation where we just donít fear and fuck tits, nipples, and boobs until the vagina and the pussy slopping and juicing like a noob saibot kicking the fatalities of a fruit melon, to the middle of nowhere, that sporting goods store, Erewhon is where nowhere is because its palindrome turns on the TV which allows you to instigate a change of pace from hardly an race and leads you to promote an overwhelming signature phrase leads you to the kickstand of the table and I really should wack off or risk being consumed books and pamphlets and powers that be, just make my mind permanently lost at sea, because when I die, which will be for long and soon after that I will be at the waves of the surfing sea with waves under me, life is supposed to be easy not challenging, but all I do is challenge myself until I learn how to sing, but when I create a situation where I donít wack, my mind goes crazy and I feel like just want to scoff at people as the walk past me, but Iíll catch ëem up turn out into a basket case with a grocery-store supplyís worth of flowers and tea, can you make that horse go neighe we wee, only if your Robert miner, with the brother and me, however, that ës a sophisticated word, and all these people are lame and stupid, except that I donít know what to do if they keep on being dumb and I should really write my paper so I donít know why. James and I are crazy people becaue he is really political, probably going to be president, with his political power and comfort in politics, but I would be overwhelmingly confused if I stuck in that field, so I must go to a field with plants and no ivy, without that sticky stuff, I just will be free ñ so try me. Overall this story has gone so well, well with the frog in the bottom of it is where the story ends in a quell, so hope and I well get my wish when theres a full out swell. By rubbing a girls hot ass boobs allover my body as she brushes my penis with vagina and I lsoe all those stupid sex words because theyíre just cheesy names, real sex is personal without the funny games and you know how to die hot with the runnerby. Hopefully, youíll see the pane and not the pain ñ out the door you fly. Overall, you will make things work, but screwing a girl in the butt, who really is not a man but a woman. If you get with a woman with big breasts, then blood flows to my penis and I create a new situation based around fun. But swimming is a thing that is fun for me because I have been searching and trying so long when my family is so political its literal ñly focused on me trying to captivate my crap until I am lost at sea, with titties all around until I think that is normal, then I can move on to not take it personal, then I will be able to have fun you see, because with a dime a dozen, Iíll make the paper fly with me. This way is fun basketball with thyself, then I make the maze of words and cook the dinner all by myself. And on my own is what I have to do, because if I donít then Iíll die and make fun of you. Overall, I canít wait to start swimming, working out hard, reading, fucking, and sucking on boobies, that is what I want to do and making me think this is bad writing makes we want to move on to the next mobile home but Iím not m and m, so I just keep on tapping until I meet the ends of ends.

08/??/04 (Lake Oswego, Oregon)

AFter attending the 90th birthday party of Gladys and being around over 30-40 different people, I felt a tad bit overwhelmed after trying to talk to so many people. That one woman, Connie, was extremely attactive and 32, then we went to beah’s, then to Lake Oswego, and finally to this dinner party where I met people that looked like breck and this hot girl doing dance in chicago who was close to my age.

For the longest time, I felt as though I relinquished opportunities that I should have utilized for the sake of being in the state of nonresistance. This state of mindful non-resistance needs to be in balance with my desires, however. I must captivate my interests so that they are in alignment with actual reality of possessions and interactions. When I was interacting with the group of three people my age tonight, I realized that I was so intereest in maintaing or trying to maintain some kind of conversational momentum and initiative, that when the girl said she lived in chicago, I didn’t ask for her contact information for fear of revealing that I was strivign for something and this would appear to be effort and resistance to the three people. I was so intent on nonresistance that I was unable to stop doing this and give in to it because authentic nonresisiteance would have been very liberating because genuine nonresistance actually would allow me to maintain convesational control and then naturally ask the girl for her information. THis way I avoid feeling empty used and hopeless after intecactions. continuing nonresistance allows me to communicate freely and to actually liberate my mental activity because I would be so focused in on creating a resolve where I need to append myself to understand the agenda I am pursuing, instead I would just pursue it. By examining the fact that I like girls that are very graceful and physically focused on physiucal art like dance and yoga, reveals that I like women who are very playful with their bodies, but in an artistic way. I have got to move beyond being deeply sexually frustrated by not getting action, or, the sparse times that I do, having it be with someone I am unattracted to and start hooking up with people or a signle girl that is very attractive, and I must stop looking at sex as bad. Also I want to try to avoid thinking of intercouse as somethign sacred or taboo, and I want to have fun with sex and girls. That girl was so incredibly attractive and then I beat myself up for not askign her number. I can avoid leaving a girl that is very attractive by acknowledging to myself that she is hot, and tell myself, immediately that I want her contact information. Finally, I find the right moment to casually ask her for it.  LIke , “hey we should get together sometiem” or somethign like that. overall, This way I will not have regrets and will have done all I can .

Also it is best to start creating situations where I speak of the accomplishments I am proud of 2 marathons and mexico for example isntead of the oens that caused me pain — sea, teen freedom. And love life to its fullest whoo who~


I woke up, ran, ate, whent for 19 mile rid ewith dean, everybody came to LO, then went wakeboard ñ such an incredibly entertaining awesome sport. It rocked! That was so amazing. Then I had dinner and drove back wit mom, james, thaoms, and beach. Tyler is so cute with his pointing.

By creating compassion within myself, and truly thinking effortfully, when I communicate, I realized people listen more, I am residing in a peaceful reference frame, and I relate much more cohesively to the conversation by using a richer diction and vocabulary. However, the problem with creating a new situation with the environment is that I mus maintain that, but having other people treat my respectful nature with reverence is a mutal coalition of happiness and great bonds. I spoke with my mom, peacefully, and genuinely about the bladder and dieary and bike gift thing. It was frustrating at first because I wanted to rebel and say I donít need to follow the doctors orders, but she was right and just following the doctorís directions verbatim. She added extra pressure on me to have dry nights, but she kind of created a situation where I felt bound into being dry, and if I wasnít there would be problems. But hanging int hter ans acting like I agreed with her, led me to appreciate her wods and ultimately, trufthuly aggre, and a cool opportunity for a bike. Overall, my mother reminds me of me, the way I would talk to some people.  But she is a fantastic, caring, kind, wise person, and I feel terrible for treating her in a ammaner where hwe wfought but I am vehemently exuberant that tha periods has terminated and we have become more peacieful interactive. This mindful, effortful fthinkg keeps me connected with every one befcasue it has the ability to allow my mind reach out to peopleís agendas and connect with their soul, I just wait for the words. But this is not deifying myself, just fustigngf it so that it becomes good. . God do this will come from patient, tactfully word chose, conerastion, too.

The thing with girls is simple, I must be patient, simply focused in on the conversation, and getting contact info, and letting them show signs and make moves, so I am not onf the defense, for necessary reasons, but am focused in on creating an atmosphere of opening where I can see what the girl wants to do. I really am interstind in not having regrets, and pursuing these situations tactfully, with incredible patients, and then some assertive initiate in getting contact info is a great solution. Also I might want to try to make a move and be atad bit more aggressive. Othe rgirls my age after be as sexually aroused and active as I am. I could have sex four tiems a day, easily. I can do this by meeting a girl who I know is active and can flirt with. The not drinking thing is a problem, because all the girls, anne, zoe, nanna, and taylor I was drunk with. I can hookup with girls without being drunk by acting drunk and not carrying, but focusing in on maintainting conversation. Being drunk makes my brain open up and eyes kind of go int omovie watching mode , if I keep this mode, I will be able to persever wit patience and have glorious intercourse with hot babes. Overall, I must keep in mind and emotional and physical awareness that my physical beauty, attractive mental abilities, keen instight and intution, along with my deep comments, potential for reaching out and intrinsically connecting with peop,e coupled with my wickedly uniequ mannerism and humor allows me to be extremely attaract to most all girls. The y just done wonta to showt hat. Also , If turn of the pbreck theing. Usually aoompblie with quataoistiport efeyr someoth and I love life so Iíll keep loving it.

Britain is greater than America. America = Fail. Britain FTW.
September 17, 2009, 1:13 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

Respect for British Wording and Communication.

  • I grew up reading british authors.  I thought colour and theatre were best (And still do).  I read those books like as a toddler (7 or so).  British language and wording has been in heritage and reading and therefore cognition for a very long time.  I’m comfortable with british authors and trust them (as I do with australia too).  I do NOT trust american authors AT ALL and therefore I do not read nor connect with them! I DO trust british and australian authors!  In my future I will live in britain for a time and then in australia!  I will also likely revisit canada, visit phillippines for the first time, too. Yes
  • British reads are validating and move my life forward.  Connecting with a great british author (dawkins, db, douglas adams) moves my thinking and brain and linguistic programming forward.  American authors I feel disgust towards and american authors bring pain and havoc because of poor logic.  British authors operate on congruent thought patterns and generate freedom in thinking because a british author’s books are more linguistically adroit, adept, and lucid! In short, britain (and australia) = more clarity! TRUE!.
  • Brits have AWESOME phrases like “Otious Dullard”
  • Austin powers is british
  • Bollocks is what I ALWAYS say, and that’s british!  I am british/australian!
Listening to BBC. British Radio over american (or any).
I’ve listened to BBC in 2003, 2005, the past 4-6 years. with dashboard apps.  Everway I could hijack/import/acquire any bbc stuff any british stuff to where I was because it was the only nutrient-rich resource.
Love British Voices, feel the most Successful, comfortable, humorous advanced, progressive listening to british voices.
American voices are not just
Experiences in America have been painful and pleasant (to be euphemstic)
  • 2006 — tony robbins — dragged out crying of the conference, ripped off, given a box of 10 year-old cd (they were from mid 90s, it was 2006), screamed at by cult coworkers to “And never come back”, had the police called on me, brutally and pugnaciously punched in the face creating a brutal black eye, that evening.  ELIXIR Ignore 95% of the people in world and only connect with the select few who honor my strengths. from that (the Morningstar guy said he always had connections with people): the majority of the world is literally retarded.  Go with people who respect you and IGNORE with SEVERE Deliberation and ADAMANCE (adamantly and deliberately and unwillingly ignore) the retarded people.  People who don’t only see the best in me are retarded.  Therefore bio parents are retarded.
  • Times cops have been called because of ME. (this is all in america)
  • Police File if everything was recorded with every run-ins with cops
  1. 1996, Age 12, Ran Away
  2. 2001, Age 17 or 18, Flipped over in car
  3. 2003, Age 19, Intoxicated to Hospital
  4. 2004, Age 20, SEA Semester on boat
  5. 2004, Age 20, Entered Protected Seal Rookery
  6. 2005, Age 21, Disruption on Basketball court
  7. 2006, Age 22, Conflict with Mother
  8. 2006, Age 22, Asked to Leave Tony Robbins’ Conference
  9. 2006, Age 22, Malibu Lost Wallet
  10. 2006, Called ambualance girl overdose
  11. 2006, Age 22, Speeding Ticket
  12. 2007, Age 23, Victim of Assault and Battery
  13. 2007, Age 24, Red Light Traffic Ticket (auto capture)
  14. 2008, Age 24, Police Officers stopped for theft suspicion UCSB, Supertroopers
  15. 2008, Age 24, U-Turn Traffic Ticket
  16. Not proud, but worth pointing out. And eager to move on towards just artist, total performacne focus, no pain from not doing what I want, just art , performances baby!

I need to be in a fucking country where there’s SOCCER!! Soccer is a REAL sport.
What does america have?  America has fucking baseball?!!! What the fuck is fat guys standing on a 4 cushions hitting balls of twine with a stick have anything to do with….anything worthwhile?
Bball is okay, but american football????  again FAT guys bumping into each other???? LAME.  I fucking hate the super bowl.  World cup ftw.
Hockey’s fairly okay, but not interested.

Majority of Author’s I’ve read in my ENTIRE LIFE have been British!! TRue!!

Britain felt like “new” chicago, new home in 2003.
From busstops to others. Britatin was like the more intelligent…more sophisticated chicago by fAR!

European women are simply more open than the close-minded, revoltingly-lame american women are.  European women are more accepting of more exotic sexual practices including anal and irrumato
I simply TRUST british and australians more than Americans. Amerians are naive stupid fools.  British are clear aligned, inteligent, sophisticated, Grounded people. British comedy is better and greater than america.  British telly is better and greater than america.  British authors are MUCH better and greater than Americans.  Britain is a MUCH better country than United states!  I trust australians and briatins because I know they’re better.  I’m extremey competitive so I always have to connect with the best and therefore trust the best most readiy†l  Australians have (FACT) higher and better values than america.  I wear headphones and earplugs NONSTOP because I know american’s voices (especially around los angeles, squalor of muddy gross nincompoop losers) are TOXIC to the extreme.  Los Angeles is fuller of toxic draggers.  Staying in los angeles and experience MASSIVE dragger pain.  leaving  Leave los angeles and alteast find neutrals.  Neutrals will seem like nirvana, joy and peace, compared to the amount od draggers that have been intoxicating my life.
Happiness Factor
That wikipedia happiness chart. USA is ranked VERY VERY VERY low.  Which is true.  americans are unhappy people.
Derren Brown.
Richard Dawkins.
Prices in America are Intolerable.  This is specific to california, but the prices in california are HEINOUS.  One frozen dinner, 3 apple, 3 oranges, 2 heads of lettuce, milk, $5 of soda, and 1 nectarine cost me an astonishingly heinous $33!!  That’s repulsive.  In other countries the food is better more unique, cheaper, and better.
Atheism.  Core Highest Level LogicalLevels spiritual-scientific connections of mine are ALIGNED with britain my core beliefs are opposed to Americans!!
Britain is more advanced in what I am interested, America is like 50 years behind.Britain actively teaches things I’m interested in (Atheism and NLP!) America either isn’t even AWARE of that or Britain and AUS have advanced NLP teaching,  libraries in USA don’t even CARRY Grinder, bandler, nor la valle!
People Have Referenced/Recommended British People too me.
Wayne Moore Note: Gave him my business card, he gave me a ton of fishing advice (useless) but was this wild Alaskan dude, crazy as heck, 43 years ol leather jacket, with a crazy wife.  he looked like billy bob thornton and I left him my acting card and he said he knew these british friends that he’d try to hook me up with!  Far out!

Government stuff. only politics followed was watching Prime-minister question time.  I discarded all else crap; never watched american politics and when did hated it! But australian may be even better than britain!

Britain is better Religiously Aware. America is clogged with disgusting religious dangerous freaks!!! Religion is DANGEROUS!!  Britain has way more atheists excellent
America is an unsafe, despotic, thought police, controlling country.  Aus and Britain simply have healthy conscious clarity.
British and Australian Radio are all I listen to.  Listened to BBC dashboard since 2003!!  I rarely listen to american radio and when did listen to it, it was pretty lame! I listen to ausse radio too. big time!!
Australia has BEST People. Wise people.  focused, cool but their modest and not wealth-obsessed cool as!! Aussies can have true fun!!!  Australians are the BEST!!  Women seem more awesome. everything seems awesome.

I have exactly 42 days until September 20th.  September 20th, Ideally, EVERYTHING should be out of apartment.  That’s teh deadline.  Sweet.  that’s not much time.  Where will that stuff go?

I’ve CLEARLY Beaten ALL quests and maxxed the level cap and done all instances and raids in America.  The new material the new CONTENT is EU!!! FTW!!
Music is (good) Offensively BETTER   tHE BEST in Europe…
From Mozart and Beethoven to The servant, the stones, zeppelin, it’s ALL in Europe.  ALL the best music is european. RAD!

Europeans are good, SAFE, excellent LUCID, global, healthy beliefs. Europeans are REAL AND Quality and unique. ireland, original. Europeans are original  AMERICANS….
are toxic
believe their privileged and can therefore not give a shit about things.
think they got the best education in the world or live in the most biggestest and strongestest country and are members of the “higher people”
can laught and joke and relax because they’re “in the land of the free”
In reality, American is the most Orwellian country I have EVER EVER encountered.
The People are blind, chauvinistic, disgusting, revolting, and vile.
The people are stuffy, revolting, and I want to vomit in the face of most americans and smear shit over their disgusting toxic filth.
The vacuous pomposity (britians have the right to be pompous, ameriacns do not) is so pathetic.
They have their gas guzzling cars and 90′ tv screens and waste their pathetic useless lives away pathetic losers. ZERO quality in america.  America is all carbon copied sham. American’s are carbon-copied shams.
I wouldn’t go to Stanford or an american west coast university if Someone PAID me 100,000 dolloars becaues it’d be revoltingly retarded and awaste of life.  West coast is all about “do what’s interesting and new ideas” I DON”T GIVE A FLYING FUCK ABOUT NEW IDEAS NOR INNOVATION NOR ANY OF THAT FUCKED SHIT.  I CARE ABOUT EARNING MONEY AND SURVIVAL.

AMERICA IS GAY.  America is a GAY STUPID country. America is NOT COOL.  It’s full of stupid clothe NO STYLE, NON-QUALIYT, ABSSENCE of Quality.  America is like a honda everyone driving honda.  Europe is like viper, it’s like horse and buggy, it’s like convertible jeep. It’s ALL good in europe. Europe is COOl, ADVANCED, high tech, QUALITY, FAst-talking GOOD PEOPLE.
Americans are HOLLOW losers obsessed with money. Americans are DORKS.  Americans are pathetic, waste of life losers who think that “everything is in their pathetic vacant, void country” when NOTHING is in america.  America is a hollow husk full of braindead idiots.  The only problem with that is that I’m in that awful country.  Americans are OBSESSED wtih “looking good” and “being good” but they fail 100% americans are fuckhead pathetic losers.  Europeans WIN.  Americas are LOSERS.  Americas are ALL lsoers in life.  Slanick is winner.  europeans are STYLE.  SOPHISTICATED.  Americans are toddler babies NAIVE ignorant pathetic people. Europleans are ADVANCED and sophiscated and INTELLIGENT and Europe is a Life UPGRADE. America is a DOWNGRADE, america is living in a STUCK non-evolving life.  Europe is MORE EVOLTED>  AMERICA IS GREEDY and Empty and Dimwitted.  Europe is Briliant, sharp, FUN, UNIQUE AND ORIGINAL

Okahy, FEELING TREMENDOUS.  1.  Ran/walked/NLP envisioned on trail for about 1.5 hours really. 230ish to 4ish.  Showered before and after the trail. on the trail, envisioned torturing ssk, tdk, nguey, bauer, daley, people who didn’t hire me, etc. EXCELLENT.  And Most importantly made the profound connection with how we’re all here because of the goldilocks effect and astronomy, etc. VERY” RAD.  goldilocks effect etc.

Tortured SSK And tdk b/c:
they deluded me into getting interested in things I was not interested in (computers to some extent, judge, cooper ,psychology).
not helping me when I needed it in life (to earn money, etc).
ssk for being manipualtive cruel etc et.c
FElt TREMENDOUS freedom NOT talking to and completely IGNORING that stupid american when he said “hey what’s up or hey how’s it going?” Just hopped in car and sped off. THAT Felt GREAT.  It made me feel smart! excellent.
Ten things that MAke Americans RETARDED:
  1. 1.  Toxic beliefs.
  2. “Chasing the bigger box” syndrome
  3. Gas-guzzling car obsession
  4. Out of touch with nature
  5. Pollution — light, car pollution, etc.
  6. Stupidity, Unintelligence
  7. widescreen tv watching, mind numness
  8. uniformity
  9. Conformity, group think
  10. illusion that their country is the best when ti’s the worst
  11. lack of quality, no originality.
  12. 2.  Obsession with luxury and opulence.
  13. Has the WORST outlook on life.
  14. Naive.
  15. Ignorant outlook on life
  16. a country of enemies
allusions to Britain
Crazy fish guy who gave marijauna said would hook me up with british guys
both “new parents” are british — dawkins hitchens
Great music, fave new bands — captain dan and the servant
main podcasts are british = slanick, totalbiscuit, dawkins, oxford
i love british cockney
Might have capacity to make friends there!! (unlike usa).
Americans sound like Babbling infants compared to the eloquent and erudite british tongues!
“infinacny is charming in infants; not very charming in grownups” — Hitchens
Britain is like a king beast
it has had dibs in almost eveyr country in the world.  it’s picked up food and cuisines from around the world
and localized them.  they ahve excellent traditions, the smartest people.  Formal proper good people.
GOOD cuisine!!!
do not want to do computers
it’s all rules based up on versions and the verisions of the language libraries change. thus it is not true universal!! It’s almost fiction!!
Thigns that are not this are math,  but definitely PHYSICS adn electroincity and biology.  you can’t change physics biology, electricity, that’s just the way things are.  TRUE!
But i’m learnign comp scie for the logic in it
What is my obsession with COLLECTING random shit things
Hiking/camping gear (if it’s not complete it’s useless.  TRue).
Scuba stuff
Cat stuff
Dog Stuff
Random book shit
Britain Imperial
In many ways, the british traditions of gobbling up taditions cuisines etc (indian spices, fruits and vegetables from around the world in its conquests of old) reminds me of ME! haha learning  (ooo loud motor outside)  of other traditions and indian cuisine (hillary, maya, i think anne, etc)  good times.  the tea.  Shoot uk is expensive tho.  cheap is great.  That’s a problem