Rampant Polemic


2003-2004 Journal
September 17, 2009, 1:14 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

Fall-Winter 2003-2004 Journal

08/31/03

My Dorm Room 430

Man, I still cannot believe how incredible spending time with Taylor was! I still cannot believe how raunchy we were, how unrestrained, how dream-like everything was, and how alive it felt! We had sex doggystyle! I cannot believe that, Amazing. Totally amazing out of some porno book. That made me start to think that life really CAN be whatever you want as an open book — it just forms to what you like/dislike. Well, I am so incredibly overwhelmed by how much cc offers, I am almost suffocated and suppressed by it! I am so happy about my box situation, too. Truly awesome. Well am going to call home, shower, computer, then food!! Totally starving!

09/01/03

Well first day of class sucked. I didn’t know if it was just class in general, or the anthrop topic that I disliked – 170 pages of reading1! That is totally not manageable! What the heck! Is he trying to trick us into not taking the class or something? Well, I have to get dinner it’s 10:00pm and then read more!! Anthrop. might be something cool that I like doing when traveling – seeing other cultures, but it just feels vague, obscure, and hazy compared to the concrete reasoning of science – pscyh and computers. I love computers!! Pych rocks, too! Brett said I should major in somthing I love, maybe that thing should be computers! Well must eat, then read!

09/03/03

Wow, I have so many things that I want to question and discuss related to sex, girls, food (eating), and life purpose/meaning/what is right, morally. Also I went for a killer hard run today!! So fast/ fun! I searched saw a marching football team, almost caught of with two other runners! Man it was incredible. Hey, I realize that if I learn kind of back when I type, I feel a lot more at ease mentally, and my posture is better, too! Okay sex – I want to have unrestrained animal-sex, not raping/violating the girl, but getting off – you know, but I, never by my most sacred creed would ever want to violate or make a girl feel uncomfortable or whatever, I would never want to step over her boundraries. However, I always feel like I should ask “Is this okay?” Is this okay I am touchign you here or I am going this fast,” or whatever because it is her body. I wouldn’t mind being hit on, it always seems like I have to push the next steps, this is fine, totally fun if I aware or what the specific boundaries were! How can I get better boundary awarness? The two girls I had sex with didn’t seem to care, they said “whatever” whatever I want, to sex! Whatever I want, jeez! That kind of stunned me when taylor had the same reaction. I’ll try talking to seth

Food, I eat really slowly around girls, because I want to make a good impression, also, I really like eating FAST! That’s how I enjoy food, wolfing it down, scarfing it, not pecking at it so I forget what I am eating! I like shoveling it in, but I feel bad/wierd/extremely uncomofortable doing this around other people in common cafeteria everyday (not just at fancy restaurants), because I feel like I need to be polite! How can over come this conflicto of needing to polite, eye contact and have manners when wanting to scarf food? Kind of related to girl thing!

Finally, Thomas asked me why I drove up to U of I, (Jim, Matt, and I went to see david Lu,) but that didn’t seem like a good enough reason. That (because CC kind of reminds of uof I in its ruralness) got me to think about why I came to CC when I LOVE, truly die for the sensation, act, passion, sport, leisure, fun activity of surfing. It is one of the few, maybe only sports where I feel I would paddle just as hard, the same way, stay out in the water the same amount of insane hours if a ton of people were watching/with me, or if I was solo. This certainly says something regarding my true inner passion for surfing and that it is not a superficial facade put on for people. Running on the other hand, I sometimes feel like I am acting (trying to be some runner I am not, or like Prefontaine, even when I right that name, it feels sacred, because I have tried to “not emulate his life”, but certainly try to look like some aspcets of ours were similar with our solo running and stuff). But aside of the fame, competition, front running, all that movie terminology, surfing was the true thing I fell in love with because of what it is — not because of some movie that I saw which inspired me. In other words, when I surf, I never feel like I am trying to be cool “like Kelly Slater” or something, I just surf because it is as fun as hell!

Finally, in terms of life meaning stuff, I sometimes look to people for recognition (a sign ) to see if I am morally/actually doing the right thing. This causes a lot of frustrations and aberrations and “random spontaneous” actions in my life. I really want to develop a personal, internal sense of morals so I, myself, can judge if I am doing something right, or spending my time well or something, so that I feel guilty less often and look to people for some kind of guidance to verify my actions morally!

09/06/03

Man, I have so many girls questions? Do they want to hook up at night? Why do I “play it” naive and stupid? I should really go for girls that I think are smart/funny/intelligent, I get so angry when stupid girls think they have a chance with me, I should just smile back at them, maybe because at a party situation I would maybe like them. Also, I think/worry so much about how dating a girl will affect my repuation, or what others will think. I realized this is kind of illogical, because reputations aren’t that immportant at cc, but I have always felt this, and whatnot. I played off the “noble” personality at parties,not trying to act dirty or something.

same day – 430 dorm 1:18 am; man what a great day! Took awesome vocab notes on the psych chapter, played chess with uk person, did all online jumble, email stuff, finished lab, read some christiany, talked with mikey, kira, fieger, online, hopefully I won’t be so tired tomorrow! God I really want a girlfreind – casey! I don’t want her to be manipuliativ, I want to have fun, have sex, be happy together, I want to be able to sack it up up go tell her I like her, or atleast kiis s her. I want to not take things for granted and make good ecisions! I most importantly want to feel comfortable around her and around her with other peopl! I don’t wnat to feel picekd at! must get sleep, writing sloppy!l ove,

John

09/10/03

Well, good day so far — busy as heck1! After class, which was insanley boring because I had already learned so much of the material from intro to psych, I went for the austinbluffs/union run, my knee gave out on the return about 800m before the grainery intersection. So I walked in pain, for a long long time! Then I biked back just in time to stretch, make some enuresis/urologist appointments, before I had to go downtown for this balancing lab. Then I biked a little, went to Rastall, talked with Tony about the marathon he one and my surfing Costa Rica incredible experience! I feel like I should ask people more questions, b/c for example when I was talking to tony, he said surfing sounded so technical – I, instead of asking him what he meant, said I thought it was just natural. I should have said the natural thing, and then said that I wanted to know what he meant by technical. I am off to martial arts now, after watching legends of the fall for awhile. I have so many books to read, and Mere Christianit is slow reading! But interesting. Steve Rugg talked to me for 40 minutes, and, even though today I realized he had some wise words, I felt SO frustrated talking to him because he came to my room. Also, this girl Allison (from the navs) keeps talking to me, coming up to my room, to go for a run. I saw her today, too! I talked to her for awhile while doing laundry, but I just kind of like her as a friend. She seems wicked smart — she’s taking chemistry — so she kind of has to be! But I am not that attracted to her. Ashley is really attractive, but she seems kind of dim-witted. I am still trying to find out if I am intelligent. I guess I am, I just fluctuate my intelligence with other people. I think my knew blew out because of lack of water, I’ll be sure to super-hydrate or bring a portable water supply next time – camel back or nalgene! Well, off to martial arts!

10:15 pm. Wow! Martial Arts was totally amazing. I feel totally back in line! It’s my bag baby! I feel strong, aligned, like I can run faster! I feel absolutely incredible! It’s a full moon tonight! I am totally aligned! Ernesto gave me some punches, stances, shikigeri or something to do in my room, 15 minutes or so. For practice. I loved the stances, the hip flexing, the leg strengthening and stretching! At the end of class we did these squats (which were like straddling a surfboard), and then wheelbarrow pushups, which were like popping up on a surfboard!! They were really hard, but felt amazing! Ernesto and Sara (two brown belts) were such good sensais/teachers. I felt so in control of my life, and I couldn’t believe how “bright” the studio was! Bright as in white, meaningful “true” light! I felt so great there! It was fantastic. Whoo-whoo!!! YEah, baby!!

09/11/03

Okay, just got back from the doctor’s office, which was hell!! I needed to be studying it took two hours to get a .2 sec. signature from the doctor (whom I saw for, literally, less, than one minute). I practiced translating what the teacher was saying in class into spanish (in my head) during class to help alleviate my boredeom, and it helped me absorb the information mroe easily, efficiently, and actively, and it kept me focused, awake, and listening! I’ll try to do that more often. It felt awesome getting my e-mail stuff and whatnot done in the early morning — I love getting up frickin’ early and seeing the world wake up! I felt so much more natural/comfortable in class. It didn’t, for awhile, feel like “class” just a room with chairs and people gathering with the same books to discuss the same topic! But the the teacher authority thing kicked in, or the lots of people=intimidation thing kicked in, bit of both, and I zoned out to just taking notes, bottling up things I wanted to say, that were really wise, intelligent, rational, and interesting comments and questions. I should have said them, but I didn’t want to cut off professor martin! I just want to bang erin, buttfuck her and then tittyfuck her and have her give me a big blowjob. Taht doesn’t really make sense, because she wouldn’t (most likely) wnat to do that. I have to study now!

9/12/03

Just came back from a triatholon meeting where I met Mr. Travers! Really cool guy, competed ON the national team, IN a world chapionship in denmark/niece! learned a ton of cool stuff about using fat/aerobic energy to keep going in races. The pyshc test went extremely well– I had a ton of coffee, quite a bit of studying, not to mention the overall repetitiveness of it. Also, I just came back from a 1000m swim (after eating a big lunch – two tacos, salad, and pb and j sandwich),did it slowly, but surely, I saw corrado and pat afterward (on my way to pick up a package. It felt like good things happen when I swim! I saw antonio, too, who told me to “keep going” when I mentioned my interests in psych, poli sci, and anthro! Life is great — alex, also seemed to look at, and respect me as I headed up the stairs. I want to continue practicing humility, and take interest in other people. The slow and long workouts and the need to be “okay” at all three sports are what, trevors said, makes a great triathlete! Can’t wait to continue taking it slow, easy, but doing amazing endurance and fun things! Off to bike! The need for slow, not harsh workouts, just really really long! Was really attractive, just being gentle on your body, but using it to its fullest potential whoo whoo, made me feel sophisticated about the sport – and conserving energy in the swim!

9/13/03

Well, had an amazing experience seeing a cross country race from a different perspective — seing how it “all works”; how coaches and people hosting the race saw “good job”/nice race as runners come into the shoot; there is a biker leading the race; how there is a group of runners in the front in a very tight pack; how there is food for volunteers and runners; how everyone has bibs/pins (it was like a 5k, now that I think about it!) All runners had bib, pull-off things. It felt much less than runnign with a school, but running individually. Running with CC runners (working together in apack would be awesome too). also carson talked about the energy line of the runner in front of you connecting you being extremely important (people who walk across the track/trail break this line and should be yellled at) it was intense and I had fun biking around seeing the different running packs, and a lot of runners said the 5 mile was “relaxed” and they said they were allone for awhile. It was great to see that I could tag behind pat, and just have fun.

7:08 pm

I was watching the matrix and made the connection of the career center, even though I loved the pay/it stuff, was kind of like the agents/neo’s job — while it stuff and definitely cross country (the harshness/rawness of it) reminded me of the “real world”. the ernesto sense reminded me of an amelie french guy combo and morpheus kinid of.

10:30 pm

It seems like there is a paradox with girls. I like girls who do bad things — wild sex, smoke, drink — but I feel with I should be with smarter more socially unrebellios girls for my personal growth and knowledge and for the looking of other people. I guess the latter would be a reason I should neglect. Also, I really want to try to think of my wing as Armstrong basement in terms of talking to listening, intellectual, smart, people around computers — A comfortable environment!

4:04 AM okay, never written this late before! Just cam back from party I left at three at. Feel like I “should”go t parties to balance out my severly, seriously, passionately focused drive in xc with swimming, biking, running solitude, but I don’t seem to mme tgirls sther. I s aw cat, julia, carla, nate, james from our wing. James is like a brother — love that guy. Cat is SOO hot, she is intelligent, smart, attractice — the kind of girl I would introduce topadrs, but taht gold card girl is SO hot, physicaly — really want to bone her. maybe will get her nam.ee I am at odds at getting girls for physical pleasure vs. lifelong compassion/love. Rationally, It seems like I should hook up with whoever is physicaly attractvie — maybve flush that out — then the long term, meaningful intimate, fun, compasssionate, intellectually benefitting relationshisp willl kic in . must get sleep!

9/14/03

Well, I partied hard last night at the lacrosse party, talked to this really fat “de paul” shirt wearing guy, no one seems to be from the city, but rather, from the burbs. I met george, alex, james, nate, carla, julia, may ling, gold card girl, (with the i’m cold gold card), and others. yesterday was a good day b/c I got up at 7, ran, got huge breakfast, then helped with race, then had snack, did psych, finished lewis, watched matrix then partied. I am still confused, frustrated, awkward, and not sure of the presence of/or in genereal “rules” with dating. it seems like girls hint at hooking up, not sure, maybe I should try hinting more at girls I like! I keep thinking people will direct me i the ritght direction, to the person that is most multidimensional fulfillying, but maybe I should have god do that or myself! All teh best . love, john

9/15/03

I am not going to let people affect my time. Senior year I betrayed how passionately I felt about running. I did that because I didn’t take the, not initiative, but self-recognition of I how I felt about running, and let other people affect my time. I should try to be “like Minor” when I run — no intellectual, sensitvie stuff, just running. The triathalon and the run with groups is similar because they both have me sit back and not have fun with it. Wow, this was one of the worst practices/runs I have ever HAD, EVER! It ran with four guys, when I should have been out running on my own. I stayed with group from some unknown stupid reason (feeling of running with the team being sensitive chatty, some/ldn’t from this stupid assumption that I should run with them! Running is not on cross country. I run, bike, and swim. well, this is a huge lesson in terms of needing to run fast or not. If I have things to say in class, similarly, I should say them! I felt DURING the run, untill I met the group, great! I swam 1000m (did an awesome hard-deep breathing thing in the the pool) FROM 2-230PM. Then I ate an apple OJ, mozza sandwich, and nibble of a cookie before 3. I breathed out of my chest, upward, while tucking/pulling my stomach in. So my food was perfectly in the center of my torso. Great time. I don’t know if coach “knows” i am fast, or if other runners do. But thinking about minor and jeff gives me clarity. What would minor be like if he didn’t “pull minors” and just run? He wouldn’t be “minor”! He would be just a lost, slow, suffocated hidden runner! The more I do these “run “with them” but at there pace” the more of my personal self/core I violate — the more identity I lose, the more I stay in moratorium, instead of identity achievement, continuing to train on my own, and running past those guys, works great!

9/16/03 Wednesday

10:28pm

Wow, went for a 2500m swim, 1.5 mile, then biked to Manitou, ran on the mountain trails there (Intemann Nature tree) hella cool, then biked back in time for dinner with Ben and Kevin, soccer juggling with erin, joe, and john, then martial arts for which I was exhausted. Class debate went well, even though I felt sick and I want to try to do a track workout tomorrow! One wierd thought I had was that this would is totally for me, just as much as it is totally for someone else, everyone else. Want to read am exhausted. Also the casey thing is a paradox, I love/gogoogogo gaga crazy over her/smart bright funny witty, the whole bag, but I am just too darn shy to go over there and talk to her I don’t know “what will happen”. i’ve only had sex or whatever with a girl when I’ve been drunk, so I don’t know how to feel comfortable doing it while sobe. All the best, Love,

John

9/18/03

Totally awesome day today!! I swam 1.5 miles(and saw travers in the pool!), biked to the Garden of the Gods, and then a 2:42 800m and a 6:38 1-mile for cross country practice. After going to the senior center for psychology. The eating/ especially drinking juice immediately after, .5 hour, a workout, that travers told me about, was huge! Gotta eat right after, too! Watching/listening to comedy is good stuff. I remember the “dance” being facial smiles/and good, unspoken, emotional communication with facial movements. I learned this from psychology with the smiling baby (engage), with the mother.

9/19/03

11:30pm. Wow, felt really drained today. Class was long. swam, worked on my report, biked to manitou, ran in the mountains, met some guy “Bob Frick”, went back showered, rastall, then saw Jim, crazy guy from World’s Gym! Then went to Hard Candy. Casey was frickin hysterical. Didn’t go with girl casey. I realized that I am introverted. Maybe accepting that will allow me to be more peaceful. I pray that lord will give me peace with myself, my achievements, girls, school, sports, family, and life in general! Love life.

Love,

9/21/03

Okay I feel that it is really important to explain to myslef that I am NOT prefontaine in resemblance, reincarnated, relation, whatever. I need to do this so that I can run freely and out of this image of being some runner who I have only seen as an actor portraying him. I work hard, flipped over in my car, and am extremely interested in running, and have people call me by my last name one-syllable nickname– but I have not gotten even close to Pre’s times, nor the olympics, nor a d1 oregon team, nor bill bowerman coach, all the significant things. I may have other things that help prove this invalidity, but I need to recognize that I am not prefontaine in any way, and just love running. Hopefully this way I will be able too be more at peace with myself, true to my feelings, friends, and relationships, and more direct and impeccable with my word.

It seems like some guys just go out with any girl whenever, wherever, whoever. It is obvious that I feel hooking up with any girl (may be possible) but isn’t in tune with my moral aggreements. I just believe in the long-term relatinoships. But I really need to, kind of like the knowing I am not “pre” thing for my personal integrity, sanity, and fulfillment, and want date and hookup with girls, and a girlfriend. I don’t know how to do that mainly, I think, because I think about it too much, or feel that everyone is watching me if I ask a girl out or something. I don’t want to become obsessed with a girl, and just want to share play, hookup, and learn. I really want to find out a way to feel that I am with a girl, and no one is observing or evaluating me and my relationship with her (which is the case!)

Finally, I remember how cool it was laying in bed, listening to music, in space camp. I remember having nothing on my mind and feeling so engaged and clear and free, because I had been so immersed in stuff that I was so interested in for the entire day. I didn’t feel suffocated, bored, or blunt like I do in some cultural scenes or something. I just felt really sensitized, focused, in control, and happy. I loved that free, light feeling, and think I may want to go into some similar field.! All the best. Love,

John

09/22/03 Monday

Finished my lab, swam in the morning — ROCKED! If I can get to sleep by 8-9, then I can get up at seven to swim, I went for a 4 hour bikeride!! Past Palmer park, down to Barnes and Powers, rural. I plan to maybe do a team workout tomorrow. Off to sleep! Also, I met a guy in a birdstore showing me directions (a CC alum, coincidentally), he showed me an old 1948 Col Springs map with only 2 main roads – el paso, and templeton gap, I would have really preferred that, less decisions, less ways to get lost! I also want to research mr. palmer!

This week I biked 5 times, ran 5 times, and swam 5 time. Totaly swimming for the week wasasbout 6000m = almost 4 miles

9/23/03

I have swam, biked, and ran the past three days — 2,2, and 2. Today I went to Cheyenne Canyon. I don’t think that ever will be easy. I saw tyler and sarah, which wsa cool, and am exhausted 10:20pm.

I realized that I kind of have a problem with recieving — people giving me stuff. I went into dan castaneda and kris’s room to watch a movie — and they made me popcorn! And gave me a cup of soda! I totally couldn’t believe it. I felt so exposed, useless, helpless, and trapped. They were just being nice, but I don’t handle being given stuff

well at all! I realized that I feel so uncomfortable when people give me things b/c the things that are given to me, I don’t look at as mine! The food that I get in rastall, food given to me, that I have to experience with the person who gave it to me. I try not to “taste” it! Or try not to enjoy it , because internally I don’t except it as mine. I didn’t do that with ari’s house — maybe because I knew him. That could be it, I knew people way before we share stud liek that I’ll figueri it out!

Biked to doctor’s appoint. new streets. 20+ miles! Awesome ride. woke up lat 130

Okay, letting people “use” MY time. SO MOTHER FUCKING PISSSED OFFF! I wanted to get smashed, and went to 421, ended up watching a movie with rob downing 5 beers behind me. I asked him once, but he didn’t hear me. I wanted to drink the whole time. I wanted to drink like no other, but other people weren’t why> wTF! WTF! Why don’t more people drink when I am around. Is it that manipulative shit. I felt like I was going to cry the whole time. I got so pissed and wanted break stuff, b/c I just sweat like crazy in 421 while watchign the movie, and wanted to paty! i felt used like those fuckers were watching me, and wasting my party time. I wanted to fucking kill them. TDamn it, not really, so fucking pissssssaawefofhjwefoipwidjfFUCK!. noq I M NOt int eh mood to drink . fuck. Are people manipulating me? Knowing I want todrink, then temptign me with it? Feel’s that way!! So pissed. fucker. Iwanted to meet girls. Do I need to be more assertvie with these poepl.e Or ditch them and hang out with people that make me feel better. feel like shit , fuckers.

09/29/03

Wow. Feel so together, complete focused, as though I have a purpose, driven for future progress in kumite, technique, kata. Karate has everything I am interested in all in one area. It has japanese language, philosophy, artistic kinesthetic techniques, sparring, self-defense, body/mind philosophy and focus. I feel like this Gasshuku had bits and pieces of XC stretching, triathalon words of wisdom, but I felt COMPLETE with karate — focused, TRUE TO MYSELF IS WHAT I FELT, I felt secure, true, wise, in control! Amazing. It’s a very DEEP, innate, grounding sense of harmony, peace, control, extreme interest in learning more and comfort that I feel from that much martial arts training. I truly felt as though I was being true to myself! Ooos!

9/30/01

Wow. Have an afternoon class this block. I went for a 1000m swim, biked to manitou trail, ran up to the “stretching tree”, then biked back, all from 10:00 – 11:30!! 1.5 hours for the entire bike/run workout! I felt incredibly strong riding back. My back felt arched the right way, My back shoulderblade muscles wer tensed in a way so that I felt like my torso was flat and that I was doing a push-up off my bike handlebars!! It felt amazing, and I am so awake for class this afternoon! I need to figure out doctor appointments, and chicago marathon plane stuff, though. I may take anthro, chem. Don’t know. the Taiwan abroad program sounds incredible thoughh! I can take chem, psych, and neuranatomy –!!! Jeeez, totally totally interesting amazing stuff! I hope I can sit peaceful through this clas!! Welll, I’m off to it!

10/1/03

Well, I really dislike the blandness of religion and politics. The topic is really interesting, but it moves really slowly. I love applying my knowledge (testing myself with problems in the book, multiple choice, or whatever). Mayve rel. and rel. + politics will grow on me. The teacher seems to be extremely intelligence (she lived in the yucutan, and was born in paris!) I do not feel well, my stomach aches, too. But I loved meeting Lindeman (chemistry yesterday) and discussing chemistry, most of which I rememberd! I remember so much from 4 years ago! We both agreed that this was a significant sign that chemistry/science was something that greatly interested (and still interests) me! All the best,

Love,

John

10/5/03

Wow, have massive, explosive, naseaous diarhea. On the upside, I finished my homework ,dorian gray (loathing book), and am started Doug Adams (whoo-whoo). I biked to Palmer Park, ran some trails, had diarrhea, biked hom, ran 70 pages in Dorian, biked all around — got lost, found Tinsletown, though. Biked back, Rastall, finished dorian, did homework. read awesome adams quotes:

“He [Adams] goes through life with a brain the size of a planet, and often seems to be living on a different one.” (so me sometimes).

“I find the whole business of religion profoundly interesting. But it does mystify me that otherwise intelligent people take it seriously”. (awesome biblical quote). heh).

10/6/03

Awesome IM Soccer game today! We won 4 to 3! Two people fasted, “hi” helped score points — I sprinted down once (Surged) and felt all of my leg energy coming from my stomach — felt strong, tight, really powerful.

10/7/03

my legs are like logs — can’t believe I biked to manitou, ran (2.5), ran (.5) agaoin, played a 40 min.(1h) soccer game, then did 2 hours of martial arts

10/8/03

Wow, Karate has made my upper quads extremely sore and blocked – -have to watch out for that. The Karate 20 Golden rUles are really interesting — one of my favorites is thinking of you oponents hands and legs has swords — keeps you cautious.

I haven’t been feeling well with my class — miss the science of psych., but am going to try to enjoy having fun in college and in life! Ireally want to work on tomorrow syaing what an awesome amazing, great, guy I am — the entire day! To see what happens!

10/9/03

Been thinking about why Ted kicked me off the team. The most obvious is –

I am not fast enought to keep up with the other runners. But I am extremely self-motivated and driven.

I am faster than most of the runner’s and won’t have anyone to run with. Pretty wierd way to treat a good runner, doesn’t relaly make sense, unless he thinks me running with the team won’t help me or the team. What the hell was with Murray’s grading deal?

The paper’s I wrote were exquisiste in style, material, and knowledge. The only thing I can think of is that she was giving me my “one” bad grade. It’s the only thing I can think of that makes sense.

Or she wanted me to argue my grade.

Or she suddenly went insano, and thought my writing was bad compared to the rest of the class.

10/10/03

Wow, really wierd dream. I dreamdt that Eva Sosnowska came to live with me and my family and she was all over me. This is my 9th night or something dry, the pill really seams to be working!

10/13/03

Well, I just finished the marathon and I am sore as heck! Quads- hips, shoulders, traps. calves. Yep- everything is covered! I can’t believe that I did my first 15k in 56:06, which is18:36 5ks IN a ROW — 3 of them, consistently, back-to-back! Cannot blieve that! I attribute that to, not whacking, eating a ton of pasta, getting mucho sleep, and doing a ton of intense biking/running training. 15k is totally my race! I check on line and an old 15k race of 2000+ runners, and I would have gotten 3rd place in the WHOLE race! Because third place was a time of 58 min.!! That is awesome. I was so glad for this chip times, or else my quickness would have gone unaccounted for because it would have blended into me slowing down for the next couple of miles. This is such a huge confidence booster, and breakthrough race that I was looking for. I am almost more excited about the 15k time than finishing the marathon! I am actually. Then that I ran 16 miles immediately AFTER the 15k freaks me out even more! Whoo-whoo!

One thing about class that has been killing me is how I need to go to the bathroom, 3 plus times in class, I try not to, so I hold it, then I get all sweaty, twitchy, fidgety, and uncomfortable, like I am about to explode. If I don’t drink water for the 3 hour class — I get really dehydrated, stuffy, and feel sick, so that isn’t an option. Do you think its okay to go to the bathroom 3+ times during class? My only concern is that it might look odd, rude to teacher, or lower my participation grade. Not sure, though.

I feel so amazing after that marathon race, and am SO happy about finding out that I am pretty good at 15ks! I really want to register for one now!

All the best,

John Kuczmarski

—–

Gosh — I don’t know why I haven’t told anyone about the marathon. It just feels awkward with them going “woah, you ran a marathon?” yep. wow, that’s awesome, thanks. Just seems cheesy, that’s all. I can’t believe how fast I ran my 15k, in a col. springs race, I would have gotten first place in the whole race! I am certain that, right now atleast, that is definitely my race.

10/16/03

Well, I kind of have been realizing that I should have to eventually get a girlfriend. Right now, I don’t really want one, and following my dad’s logic, I’ll probably get one because of that. It is just so restraining and time consuming. I would so much rather be running around joking wi

10/16/03

Well, I kind of have been realizing that I should have to eventually get a girlfriend. Right now, I don’t really want one, and following my dad’s logic, I’ll probably get one because of that. It is just so restraining and time consuming. I would so much rather be running around joking with people, not having to contain my energy. Most of the girls I have been with, makes me feel like I am in anoter class. Maybe this isn’t the case wit hall girls, maybe I can actually find a girl that I can get excited in conversations with, and learn, and get new information, and grow, and joke around and be comfortable with — if all girls are an annoying class-like burden, thing, where I don’t follow my own values and beliefs and jsut kind of let them take-over and use my time — that’s going to SUCK! I have faith that that isn’t the same with all girls though.

——-

Being wise in gung fu does not mean adding more but being able to remove sophistication and ornamentation and be simply simple – like a sculptor building a statue not by adding, but by hacking away the unessential so that the truth will be revealed unobstructed. Gung fu is satisfied with one’s bare hands without the fancy decoration of colorful gloves, which tend to hinder the natural function of the hands. The height of cultivation always runs to simplicity while halfway cultivation runs to ornamentation.

———-

I have been thinking a lot about Costa rica, surfing, and pursuing my own happiness. In costa rica, i had difficulty going to surf. I felt awkward or guilty doing somethign that brought me happiness unless the others were doing it to. I guess if I just look at myself not in any group, league, club, whatever. I would do what makes me happy, and my group would become the people that are ther ewhen I ampursuing what makes me happiest.. How do I evolve that independence/autonomy it’s a mindset that I :have to cultivate — one of self-interest, efficinecy, etc.

Gung Fu Man

mind not confined to one area

(wu-shin) no-mindedness/non-attachment

simplicity not ornamentation

no unnatural action (wu wie — nonaction)

support all things in their natural stage (spontaneity)jj

10/18/03

Well I am going to try to look at people as if they are younger than me. Hopefully, this way I wont get so worried and anxious and obedient and I can talk a lot and have fun. When I am with older/same age peoplle I become a mute that cant express what he wants. I am going to try to not do that by telling myself I am an amazingly great person and just have fun with people.

I realized that maybe I haven’t had a girlfriend is because, simply, I hae n’t wanted one! Usually if I want something I acquire it somehow. But, I want to hook up and play with people. maybe now I am ready to make teh commitment to a girlfriend.

10/21/03

CLOSURE! I realized that everything — everything!!! Everything!!! in my life right now, — my life, not anyone elses life, or “the state of the world or something, but my personal life — is about closure! This is so because I don’t have ANY closure on anything!! Everything Everything is up in the air! Every little action I take I try to make sure I have freedom and options, so I don’t make any sacrifices. When you make closure to something you commit yourself to it — allowing you to pursue it more readily — but you sacrifice other options!! I am nearly unable to sacrifice ANY options. One day I think I will seriously pursue running, the next day, I plan to surf after college! Here’s a run down of the things I don’t have closure on:

Cross country:(I don’t know if I am good enough to be on the team — I don’t even know if I AM or AM NOT on the team, for heaven’s sake!

Girls: I don’t know who my girlfriend should be. I don’t know how to date in college. I don’t even know if you do date in college. I don’t know by what criteria I should base my girlfriend on — should they be a friend, attractive, intellectual. I don’t know if other people know about having a girlfriend or not in college. I don’t know if they should be a burden, or they should make me happy. I don’t know if a girlfriend should require “maintenance” or we can just hook-up whenever. I don’t know what I can or cannot do when hooking up with a girl (How far I can go after dating a certain time or even what types of positions we can do I don’t know) I don’t know how long relationships last. Some last a night, some last months! I don’t know how I should react if I see a hot girl or if I am attacted to a hot girl — should I do a “double-take”, should I look at her, talk to her, “play it cool”.

Marathon: I ran the marathon two weeks ago and I haven’t told ANYBODY in all of Colorado!! That’s the epitemy of not having closure!

Major: Picking an academic major is huge type of closure, but it is something that I don’t want to sacrifice other options!

Sports: I don’t know which sport I’m best at — Martial arts, running, biking, swimming, triathalon, surfing. I don’t know which one makes me the most happy; brings me the most comfort.

Workouts: One other aspect of closure that I realized is true is with workouts. Sometimes I don’t even want to make closure with workouts, so in a sense, I never stop working out! Craziness.

Social Situations: Right now, everything is so up in the air, I am extremely frustrated when people say “Good bye” because that is a type of closure! When people say “good luck” I am even frustrated because, so much of my day relies on luck when I make nothing have closure!

It’s something that I have repelled my life away from. I have undergone the greatest strife to attain a boundryless state. Well, I’m there but I am floating! I am not committed to anything, so anything is my option, but I can’t really pursue anything — sports, girls, majors — without making closure. It would be better for me right now, to make closure and have that closure be a mistake, than to not have closure at all! Ultimately, I want to remember how applicable the issue of closure is to my life (even in freshman and sophomore years of higschool) so that I can start making some sacrifices and putting closure to things so I can gain some stability in my life!

Switching to LP was definitely a “type” of closure. It was my first, and probably biggest step, toward making some type of closure in my life. And I told everyone — parents, friends, the principal of the school even! And it was closure on my part to say that switchign to LP was a mistake! Picking CC as my college was closure, too. It seems that I am narrowing my closures, from some things (which school I should attend) to smaller things — majors, girlfriends, sports, etc.

Heck, I just realized that probably 80% of the girls I dated picked “me” or showed they had interest in me. So I never really had closure to them! I just kind of went with flow, and if they liked, me great. I still kept other options open. The only girl I can think of that I truly made closure to by dating was Alexa. I knew by asking HER, I was making a sacrifice and making closure. It was the best relationship I ever had, though! Again, closure is my thing now!

Man, I owe all of this newfound “closure” knowledge to the conversation I just had with dad. In allowing this huge amount of crystal clear understanding (all of what my dad and I discussed regarding lack of closure that is) to sink in, I have undstood something else. By not allowing myself to make any closure, I don’t understand when something is not an option for me. Therefore, I don’t know when someone else is telling me “no”. This is good because it keeps me positive, but I have to have some types of closure!

10/22/03

I did a CRAZY – the hardest, ever, seriously, travers workout today. 100pull, 100kick, 100pull, 100kick, 100 pull warmup. 5 x 100s @ 1:45, then 4 x 200s @ 3:45; then he gave me stroke work about extending my stroke!! He was such an amazing help. I really want to do that workout; and improve it so I can do it without being extremely sore.

Okay, dealing with Kat. I really like her, but it is a crush. I have no way of talking to her. I don’t know her number, how to reach her, what she does, I’ve seen her play soccer, live in spanish house, party, that’s about it. I remember I helped her with her computer set-up last year, but that’s it. I realized that even if I didn see her in some common place — like Rastall — I would be to freaked out/nervous/paranoid that others would be watching me, or think we were on a date. And if I did work up the guts to sit with her — she’ll be having a blast with all her friends or it will be extremely awkward and uncomfortable, I’ll say something stupid, and end up wanting to get out of there, blowing the whole thing. Maybe I should slow down. I try to exhaust myself durign the day for workout s and so that I am more relaxed if I get to see her! But I do all this preparation to see and then I never see her, or, if I do, I am way to nervous to do anything. If I was just naturally happy, and calm, and normal around her that would be best — but I guess that would mean that I wouldn’t like her that much.

1:38 am

Okay, why can’t I sleep with a girl? I really NEED to have sex. More sex. I am a horny 19 going on 20-year old. It’s like eating food adn drinking, I must have sex with girls.

10/23/03

Well, I finally hooked up with a girl at CC! Zoe, it rocked, she had massive boobs. But on a mental and happiness level I am even more happy and well-off! I started doing this “spatial reading” thing, where when I am out and about with friends I read everything — bottle labels, posters, shirts, logos, everything. It keeps my mind entertained and me active and happy! That and rotating my wristst (like in sparring) keeps my mind entertained. Also, I have been doing a lot realizing about the whole closure thing. Getting closure on those e-mails and xcountry was fantastic. I am looking and feeling amazing. I gave myself a haircut == 1/2 all around, 3/8 on the sides. Awesome length – it looks and feels awesome. One other thing I realized was that the Ashley girl had never hooked up with a guy before — she said she had never seen a guy’s groin area. This made me realize the special thing that making out/hooking up is, and I still want to respect it! Thank you so much god/dad/my brain for the clarity I have had, the intelligence I have been able to utilize to help me overcome obstacles and pursue live enthusiastically — my health, my incredible luck, and the contacts I have been fortunate enough to have to make intelligent, wis,e kind, funny friends, athletic inspirers, girls, and professors!

I loved swimming, too. I feel that that swim just really helped but my body in INCREDIBLE alignment, and since the body fuels the mind, and since swimming works every muscle in the body, I ended up feeling incredible mentally and physically. Evan seemed a little looked down upon by girls, and this really frustrated me that they almost had prejudice against him as some dork or something, so I kept trying to complement him and show them that they shouldn’t make first impressions because he was a cool guy.

Regarding Zoe, she is a very hot girl, but kind of ditzy. I am definitely going to respect her feelings and not pull what I did freshman year, hooking up with everyone. Kat is such a cool girl all-around, so I atleast want to try to talk to her about stuff! Also, that rocked last night, but I didn’t know if she wanted to hookup more, or if she was hesitant, or controlling, probably more hesitant. I will try to get some closure on that as to where we stand. I don’t know if we were mutally doing a one-nigher, and if so, I don’t know if we should make an effort to stay in concact or not . I also don’t know if we were doing something that might lead to a more serious relationship. I don’t think I really wanted that, but I don’t know. If she does, I don’t know how I’ll respect that, but I’ll try.

10/24/03

Okay, if girls “know what guys want” why don’t they give it to us? Why do they entice us? Maybe we should think that we know what they want. I need to rember — closure, closure, closure. Everytime I hear someone say “goodbye” and I am frustrated I should recognize that I am not or have not been making closure to something. When I meet a girl that I like this is what I do: I am hesitant to speak with her. I says some stuff, then back off regardless of her reaction, then I go try to stay stuff to her again and I will only keep talking to her if she “let’s me”; that is, if she shows signs if she wants to talk to me. If she doesn’t, then I completely back-off. The problem with this approach is that she is always in full, total control. I am only going as far as she want. Why can’t it be that she goes as far as I want? Gender roles, history of stereotypes, masculine dominancy, masculine horniness maybe. If women went as far as men wanted, then maybe all men and women would be having sex non-stop! I don’t know at all how I should base or gauge how far to go in a relationship with girl. I don’t ever want to come off as a pimp/rapist/man-whore/I don’t want to scare them away.

10/28/03

Okay, A lot has gone down. Phil. I am staying in. Even though I hate it. This girl zoe reminds me of an alexa/taylor combo, which is interesting because I have had a different outlook on life with more experience so maybe I can juggle the relationship better. There are so many things I want to say in class, but I don’t because of politeness of conversation, mainly. If I get cut off, I don’t know really what to do. I also can’t believe I went to Kat’s room yesterday. That was SO gutsy/awesome. zoe is pretty hot, but the Bi thing is kind of wierd. The martial arts thing has a lot to do with my class awkward participation. I really hope that I can continue doing well in life — girls, friends. Ireally really really!!! Like the friends in my wing. Jocelyn reminds me of Lisa, so it seems like it’s an entire wing of us just hanging out and having fun — the type of fun we have when Lisa is here!! The freshman thing, is odd. I notice that the freshman are so much more enthusiastic. I mean, I saw james and mike, and they barely said Hi to me — actually, they didn’t. I am always eager to say hi to everyone.  Maybe they thought it would be “uncool” to do that infront of the class or something, huh. Well, if this philosophy professor is gay, then, that’s interesting.  I was a little afraid that he might “hit” on me, and I wouldn’t know what to do, but a female teacher has never really “hit” on me so, hopefully that won’t happen. I really like Kat, the more I think about Zoe, the more I want to end it — straight up, that I am wasting my time, but it would be fun just to hang out and whatnot. I am really self-conscious of what others might think about us hanging out. It seems like if Kat went abroad, I would feel wierd. Man, I really don’t want to act stalkerish about her. I just feel like I would never be wasting my time with her — I would always try to engage myself. With other girls I am sometimes like “get me out of here and let me have my own time”. Well, I am about ready to make the change to hang out with girls that, would be a lot more gutsy to ask out, but would be so much more fun hanging out with them because there would actually be a cool friendship, intead of just people hooking up with other people for their bodies. Kat kind of reminds me of Alexis almeida, for some wierd reason. Oh well, I just want to be aware that I want to make a gradual change socially and academically — to start hanging out with people that are all around fun, not like I am wasting my time. And classes/teachers that are all around fun that aren’t wasting my time.

10/30/03

Okay, I saw Kat today at the spanish dinner. I talked to her about something — I don’t remember what. I should have gone up to see her before she came down. I want to build up a base/friendship first, so that I can tell her what I really want to say, which is : “Kat, I think I head-over-heals about you. My friend mike told me that I had this really lengthy conversation last weekend about how I have always had a crush on you. I don’t remember having the conversation, but I almost knew it was true. I always true to play it cool and act “normal” with girls that I like, that I really really really really like. It’s almost like anyone I really truly like, I neverwill be able to because I don’t want to show that because then I am vulnerable to being humiliated by the entire school knowing that I liked you. Jeez, I really really really truly NEED to tell you this, so I can atleast get it out and not have such a huge psychological, emotional, crazy blockade in my life anymore.

——

Man, I realize that I almost always only do something that others tell me to do. I workout on my own, etc. But when I actually want to do something. I almost have to have someone else tell me that I should do that or can do that. IT’s like I need permission for things that I want to do! Eat junk food, talk to Kat, all that stuff.

11/01/03

Wow, halloween yesterday. My first D1 Hockey AND girls soccer game all on the same day! Can’t believe it took that long. After writing my paper (doing my homework right away), I tried to see if Kat was around, she wasn’t so I left a message, and it felt so good trying everything I could trying to get in touch with her. I visited the spanish house twice, and left the message. After I did that, I somehow felt extremely peaceful. I kept thinking to myself, “hey, there’s nothing to worry about all”. I realized there IS truly nothing to worry about whatsoever — with my parents, even if they aren’t “perfect” or even if they are, I can’t think of ANYTHING to worry about!! It is such an amazing feeling, because I am so used to worrying about grades, appearance, impressions, expectations, everything!

——-

Zoe just callled, and I am always extremely sensitive to the extremely complex arena of emotions, and I hate having them roll around in my head, and unsettle me. She seemed to sad on the phone, and I don’t really know what to say. She’s too ditzy, lesbian, outrageous, and whatnot. We’re on totally different levels. It’s just frustrating trying to talk with her.

———

I just realized that a huge key to getting girls is playing hard to get. This is completely different from acting indifferent, uninteristed or unmotivated. It is definitely NOT acting like that. You should still be really motivated, exciting and stuff, but you want THEM to like you, and you be hard to find or something, which is exactly waht Kat is doing right now. I can’t believe it! Well, I feel really really comfortable being at my computer again. I think I am going to go for a bike ride.

———

Went for a really interesting bike ride — slow, long, and contemplative. I thought about how often I work out and how it seems to be mainly all for girls. I thought about how I always seemed to have been seeking for “the perfect” person — my soul mate. This seems extremely similar to Tom Fort, with his “romantic” love relationships. I am not saying that I like tom in some homosexual way, but I was just drawing the connection of similarity so that I realize that we seem to have similar huge bouts of emotional expression. They are a ton of fun. I am exhausted and must eat, however. I also thought about how philosphers, writers, maybe that is the whole point of life to find a “soul mate” person. Gott get food. III

11/3/03

Okay Woke up at 11:30 – long hard run. had salad, awesome class – about color and pain. Then I hung out. Went for late night hardcore manitou bike ride, had dinner, karate (really really intense class. I tried calling Kat atleast 4 times today. Finally, I left a message about portuguesses lessons. It’s to frustrating and time consuming – feeling vulnerable by leaving a message kind of feels good, feel a lot more open conversationally with other people. I think I might be better off with Anna, but I’m not sure. It doesn’t seem like kat live’s there because jericho ahs the answering machine, kat’s never there, and she was on jericho’s bed that other time. I just really don’t want it to be a manipulative mind fuck thing. I am definitely not pressure it and move on. If I see her in a cool situation, great. I am not going to avoid her, but I’ll just hang out and let things happen. I am definitely confident taht someone — toa, god, something – has stuff planned out in some great cool plan. I’lve tried to get in touch with her alot though. Well, off to sleep!

11/06/03

Just played soccer and realized lightness of feet is the best way to play, quick, tapping feet on the toes while running, and the straight-line run. It was SO much fun to play with Andrew Y., Mitch, Draft, Parry, Miles, Me, Jared, Brad, and others. Soccer ROCKS!!! Ohter news, Realized how great life is that I could play soccer, watch, hopefully Bev. Ninja and soul calibur, be constantly surrounded by beautiful women, and have feast for a cafeteria!! Amazing!

—-

Just came back from a run AFTER eating rastall dinner — went really well. I stomached the food ALOT better than I thought! I have to remember to run from my bladder (pointing outward), and stick my butt out, while keeping my back arched slightly back.

2:51 — Okay, I don’t know why I drink. It damages my party and everyone calls me a girl, sloppy, smelly, gross, lame, week, and I hang out with all these dildos who just make me feel extremely stupid, unexperienced, and inadequate. This feels like Hell. Pure hell. When I tried to smoke I kept running into people — it was impossible to go the party, it totally sucked. All the girls were stupid and pissed me off. What would be interesting would be to imagine if this was like highschool. I hate “bowing down” to girls — or anyone except god, period. So Ifeel humiliated when I feel I have to do that.

11/07/03

Okay, I had to write about this day even though it is 5:10 am (and I haven’t gone to sleep yet) because it could be one of the best days of my life! I don’t know if it was because I had a cool talk with Peder, I ate salads, I ran, and only ran twice, I wrote poetry (and since English was my intended major and I constantly love reading, maybe this “aligned” me or gave me confidence), but this day rocked!! I drank last night – faily heavily. Dan Dolores got hammered and gave everyone tequilla shots with his infamous triple shot. Today I woke up, ran, got breakfast with peder, dylan, apples, brian, zack. I was talking to peder — cool 24 year-old swede. Then I researched runners (swedes, and whatnot), then worked on my rhyming “soul to body” dialectic for philosophy class, after watching “dead poet’s society” that double poetry connection made me feel often. I finished dead poet’s then I hung out untill around 7:00ish then ran at night. Both runs I didn’t use music (my ipod didn’t work at night). Then I went to the sage, and bought a salad, and then I saw Anna! From my old wing! The awesome amazingly cool anna! She was with seth, so I think they are going out or something, but it was so coincidental and saw awesome that I saw here! I drank so JAgermeister “in the sage”! Then talked about how she lives on montgomery and how she was going to the club hockey game. I rounded up Peder to go (after leaving my, then retrieving, gold card at teh sage). The club game was roudy, I sat in front of JMR (jammer) (from the philosophy class) who kept yelling in my ear by accident, I saw Anna for a split second and said something, but then left back to slocum. Walked to the closed C-Store with zack, dylan, and brian. Said dylan looked like William Dafoe. Then went with rob to this soccer house party — which was a TON of fun! the house was really cool, and I kind of danced with Hilary. I saw Kat, too! She was hanging out with some kind of gruggy, hefty, wierd looking sloppy guy. I asked her about her leg, and then went back to slocum where Rob had a mini-party, then I watched saving silverman! I wasn’t nervous with kat, and dismissed it so easily! I felt so natural talking with anna, and with kelly — later that night ,about how she hangs out with girls and how they always sneer at her because she hangs out with boys (just to chill with them not date/hookup) so they , with misguided thinking, she’s a whore — not true. Awesome day off the bed. I really like my poem/dialogue thing too! Ipout ALOT – james, writing style , time into it! over and out your the best. love,

John

11/11/03

I am going to try to talk to doctors so I don’t blame myself for not having a solution to wetting. I am going to talk to ernesto so I don’t feel frustrated with all his criticism administered during class. Iam going to try to embrace the “frightened” feeling so that I can not get anger, scared, or frustrated, choose to rationalize it, and respond in a healthy direct manner.

11/12/03

Well, went for a bike ride (manitou, intemann, colorardo ave) again, had an hour 1:15 class today, then I think I will play soccer or bike ride to Palmer. Because parry won’t let me on his team, probably the latter. Feel awesome! all the best. Sincerely, John Kuczmarski

11/16/03

Okay, wierd dream: I was going to go swimming, even though casey told me not to. But I didn’t because I had to many books and junk in my backpack to worry about (if it would get stolen or not).

I had the martial arts test yesterday and got purple belt (5th kyu) even though I was going for 3rd kyu(brown). It was cool because michelle got 3rd and I am two belts under her anyway. I came back, ate chinese, ran, went to hobbit, watched identity, went to jungle boogie, had sex with zoe. Really, really frickin’ sore after sex and martial arts1!! My lats,lower legs, everything! I really want to try to get good grades — valedictorian-style like robin. He is a very cool guy. It was wierd that people asked me if I knew robin and casey — they’re good guys.

11/20/03

Feel pretty drained. did the incline yesterday, haven’t eaten. Really want to get food! Cya.

11/23/03

Okay, I am going to be emotionally honest: I hate talking with zoe — no hate’s to strong of a word. It’s frustrating. She always has to be upbeat, and cherry, and enthusiastic. That’s what I want in a girl, but she is always wanting to hang out. I feel embarassed being with her around other people, in general. She is just big and chunky. Good things about her are that she is enthusiastic, kind, sensitive, communicateive, easy to talk to, and open to sexual stuff.

11/25/03

Okay, I was vissciously sick with hopefully, just food-poisoning yesterday. I felt like I was going to die! I puked and had to run out of the computer lab into a bathroom! I really needed to bike in the mornings, and I felt that sitting through class at the beginning sucked. I am liking my class a little more, now, but I hate afternoon rides. Must be morning. Well, I going to try to work ahead, and get a little run in. For a swim toworrow morning.

11/26/03

Wow wierd dream. I dreamt that Dr. Shultz or sorchett, pretty sure shultz, was making watch these movie segments of penelope cruz (or maya?) and label them as “pretty”, “attractive”, “sexy”, etc. I couldn’t figure out the labels he wanted for each picture so he told to me to ask myself to label the pictures based on where they were in the movie. Then I dreamt about this mexican guy who put some wierd gel all over himself that semi-prevented sharks from biting him, then he went into shark-infested waters and got bites all over his achilles. Someone, I think professor Montano or Shultz went in and pulled him onto a boat, or sub.

12/02/03

Okay I realized that I only do sexual, and eating things for myself when I am alone because I do not want to set a bad example, I do not want people to thing that I am a horny, sloppy, guy who eats greesy pizza. I have a problem of enjoying MYSELF when I am around others. I eat the foods that I think you’re “socially” supposed to eat, or do the “socially acceptable” sexual stuff. I do this because I want tobe a “good” person. My moral value system is based on societal values. This is (I hope) right before I develop my own moral system, and do not care what society/others things, because I will be doing whatever myself, guiding my own morals on my own.

I don’t know if I can take this class — this is when I started puking my guts up last year. I think its the math, maybe it just doesn’t settle with me or something. I can’t breath during this class – throughout the whole day, I feel plagued by burdens, I hate the class lab. We’re together for nearly 6 hours! I have no privacy, it sucsk! I really don’t want a repeat of Latin sr. year where I couldn’t focus, I want to focus, get great grades in this, and then train for tri, or just exercise.

I feel like I need a bunch of time to do stuff — free time. I hate reading stuff on a schedule and running on strict schedule (unless it is the exact same everyday like bloc 2 and 3!)

12/04/03

This is seriously one of the hardest most difficult days of my life. I am spending WAY to much time with my class. My partner is a moron who, worst of all, reminds me of mike. Mikey M is so frustrating because he doesn’t really care about anyone, but himself. He is an emotional idiot. I would never give someone who went through an emotional crisis a newspaper article like he gave me. That frustrated the hell out of me. I couldn’t prevent myself from crying in class today, almost every 10 seconds I felt something bubble up. It was really wierd It maybe was an accumulation of stress ( from things to do today, quizzes, difficulty of understanding material), having all these objects shoved in my brain (sybmols without explanaion (like computer science), not eating from an insanely long bike ride, and getting back so late last night. The feeling like I am being watched is killing me in class, I kept feeling like people were looking at me. I remember last year. Sitting through class was hard after running, today it was very hard because of not running!

I have been spreading myself WAY to thin. I have class, meetings, and talking with friends revolve around swimming, biking, running. They keep seeming to hint at what is best for me. Overall, I can’t do ANY of those because of so many fucking commitments.

——

I was talking with dad and realized: “The number one thing I need to worry about is being at peace with myself”.

“It’s okay to have fantasies, but I have to accept them and acknowledge them AS fantasies!”

—–

Okay this day has ROCKED So far! It’s 2:00, I’m about to do a manitou bike ride. I ran this morning, took the prob/stat quiz, then had an awesome class, where I didn’t “worry about how I should sit, or when I should look at the prof, or how I should ask questions, or something” Everything just came REALLY naturally! I asked some great questions, said some awesome remarks, and totally absorbed the information, actively. As a result, my notes were REALLY crisp and organized!!! It totally rocked!! Off to bike.

——–

I have created now some patterned mindset patterns that frustrate the heck out of me. Whenever I have the opportunity to do something that will make me happy, I have a pattern of choosing the things that make me mope and make me suffer. I don’t know what will make me happy around a decision, untill after the decision, because I am so used to. I have been deliberately been trying to make myself unhappy, even since I have tried to break out of my “image” or be “identityless”. The pattern is so ingrained in me, that, even after I take steps to make me happy, I easily fall back into taking steps that make m

12/??/03

I have created now some patterned mindset patterns that frustrate the heck out of me. Whenever I have the opportunity to do something that will make me happy, I have a pattern of choosing the things that make me mope and make me suffer. I don’t know what will make me happy around a decision, untill after the decision, because I am so used to. I have been deliberately been trying to make myself unhappy, even since I have tried to break out of my “image” or be “identityless”. The pattern is so ingrained in me, that, even after I take steps to make me happy, I easily fall back into taking steps that make me miserable.

Because my image and my identity over the past three years has been dismantled, I end up being affected so much by people because I don’t have an image. Having an image is what allows you to interact with people, it is empowering. Not having an image is not “freedom”; it is the way to NOT interact and engage, and have fun with people. Not having an image (having dismantled my image) allows me to not relate with girls and not have fun with girls and feel miserable and frustrated around girls. Not having an image has made it so I am clueless when it comes to decisions, too because I have done so many things that make me unhappy, I don’t even know how to deal with being happy again.

How long have I been doing this shitty – making these shitty decisions where I do stuff taht makes me unhpoayy? Do I like running? I have no fucking idea. I know I love surfing. I hate being uncertain about stuff. I could try using stat.s to answer these decisions in the face of uncertainty. If everytime I surf I love it, the probability that I will like the next time I surf is about 99% sure that I will enjoy it. I have complaied about how running messes up my back, or thought in races that “i hate this, i hate this [running]”. Surfign is just fun as hell. it puts my body in line, gets me ripped, i love it. I have been trying to “find ” a surfign here — biking? I think I chose CC because I thought it would make me unhyappy, and I slipped inot that old pattern, fuck. I need to start doing this that make me happy.

—-

I realized i have been trying to piece together an image by borrowing stuff from other poepke – mikes tlaking fast, brad pitts lat id back style, it furstrates me that I have not been my fucking self, damnt shit fuck. I don’t want to be an agnry irritable person, I want to have fun, carpe diem, love like ,suck the marrow like I did before. I hate thinking I am gay, when I am SO fucking not, damn it. I hate not being able to have fun with girls and havee wild sex with grils, I so want ot be a good person, not a gross jerk person. I SO SO SO miss the days when I loved james and we were cool together and had fun together.  That fucking course made me think our relaitonshp was bogus, when it was the most real relationship I had with a person — every, more than mom, more than dad, now I am fucking intimidated by the guy because he’s so intellegin,t handsone, and loaded with girls. That doen’st piss me off up the wazoo that he’s my younger brother and intimidaets me with his brains, and good looks, but that we lost, and I destroyed our kick butt awesome abmazing relationshp. FUKC that makes me infuritiate.d!

Daminit I want ot be the way I was — loving life, happy, funny, awesome enthustist, peacefful, calm, alive awesome — that I was around my family in michicagin, with everyone. especialyy with my family now, and my wingmates nand poeple at collegt!

I ams sick if tyrign to prove to people that I am smart, funny, not dumb, fast or something, I just want t ohave fun like i used to.

——-

I hate feeling rushed or impatient or like im being attacked hwen i hang out with friend~! I jsut want to be and have fun and not feel like I always have ot recharge or sometihg! having an image allows you r sould to intareta the most, it doens prevent it from interacting!

——-

I punched people jokinglynb

——

Okay, AWESOME Bike ride, I kept breathing into my stomach the entire ride, felt really fast and strong. And it was a ton of FUN!

—–

Okay casey gave me the scoop of what happened friday. I was crying and talking about kat, not being gay, not wanting people to think I was crazy, and tryint to geet sleep. I found out kat has a boyfriend. I have to admit to myself that she doesn’t like me, know me, are care diddley squat about me. This is sucks. It pisses me off and makes me feel pathetic, but I can’t do anything about it!. I am also kind of pissed off because my dad htought that I hadn’t even tryied to ask kat out, when I had twice. And now I feel even more humilated because he’ll know that I didn’t get with her, when he thinks I should have. Zoe is okay of a relationships, but it seems bland, its practical — we have sex, talk, and discuss stuff. I just have a crush on kat, and I erally want to to get over it but I can’t, letting this stuff sink in about her not caring about me, and having a boyfriend may help me get rid of that. Casey is right about how I should try to take it easier on myself. Maybe I kept spitting because I wanted a fight??Maybe part of why the kat thing is such a big deal is because I am so used to NOT listening to my crushes, and just going along with people who like me.

12/15/03

Okay, Long day. swam 1000m in the mroning, biked to the base of the incline, ran up the barr trail (part way) and biked home. Then did martial arts and went to TWIG. I saw zoe right before twig performance and realized that I always look fro things that make me frustrated in people. Like when she was moving throught the crowd, I saw how she crunched her shoulders inward, so I thought she was insecure. I realized I am afraid of being around other people with her because I think I can do so much better than her. If she was atleast in my grade, that would help a ton!!! In terms of making me feel like I am doing it just for play! or something! Well off to sleep. I realize I need to let the Kat-thing go, tell her to go screw herself, and I would be way to nervous and wouldn’t like it at all if she even did want to hang out with me, so it’s a no-win situation full of anguish that I should just forget about and defenstrate (chuck out the window)!

SEA Journal (2003 – 2004)

Why is the campus so calm (I prefer it that way, but I expected it to be noisy and crazy)?

Is it because I am nervous and people are sympathizing with me?

Judge

I can’t take care of myself

Ridiculuos; so self-sufficient; Everything that was needed to get me here, in college, and other stuffI didn all on myh own.

I look flushed, nervous, and anxious in class

I had just gotten back from being lost, no wonder. makes physicological sense.

I get way to hot, nervous and flushed around reannin

I might like her. It’s totally normal to be aroused around people.

I am not being aggressive enough with reannin

I just met her and everyone else yesterday!! On the contrary, I’ve gotten to know her really well, and I’ve made friends with otherpeople too, josh, lee, julie, really quickly extremely quickly learnign a ton of stuff about them

I don’t even like reannin

Could be true, but she’s smart, and if I don’t like her- a good friend that I can learn bio-scieenc stuff from

I don’t go after the girls that I am attracted to physically (even though I know I am)

I have been experimenting with trying to find convseraviotn attratonton too, totally a normal, good-natured, decent endeavor. Nothing wrong with that, but all the same I should hook up with girls I like, if we like each other, makes sense

I get too worried about studies

That’s good to keep me focused, And I have a right to be being jolted here. I’ll adjust, study hard and do awesome.

I shouldn’t be running, but acting

Ridiculous I love running, and hanging out with friends (acting kind of) I can and should continue both. Running allows me to have fun acting with friends/ hanging out

I shouldn’t be running, but trying to be with girls.

Same, ridiculus running allows me to be comfortable with myself and with girls.

I had to much fun at the part last night

I didn’t have too much fun. I simply worked in class for three hours, then worked on maps for 4 — the fun was definitely justified!

I talked to much.

Same as before. There is no such thing as talking to much if I listened to others, which I did. I was enthusiastic about what I was saying and just having a blast and expressing myself.

so much I wasn’t myself.

I was myself trying to be as normal as I could without dominating or shirking from conversation. It was great I was not being not myself. Everyone including me gets nervous in parties.

I tried to show-off by talking too much.

Same as before, just being really enthustiastic because I was so excited.

I was a fool for drinking in the first place.

I need to drink every once in awhile to balance fun with my intense workload!

I am a baby for still having enuresis.

I don’t have control over the condition. That is ridiculous and would be like saying I am a baby for catching a cold or for being paralyzed.

I am not good with numbers/compasses.

Anything that I don’t have practice with, most practically, I won’t be that sharp with. practice will improve my number/compass skills.

I am going to die without a bike.

Ridiculous I can still run

To be comfortable with girls and reannin, I need to bike so I am comfortable with my body.

Could help, but running and general exercise just the same would be just as well to burn of steam. Biking can be bad for my groin too, and it can misalign my bakc. Its still awesome though!

1/11/04

I don’t really know what to do about my feelings toward reannin. It is obvious that I have a crush on her, but I don’t know what to do. Right now, just being friends with her doesn’t feel adequae, but is probably the best thing I can do. I sometimes feel like she is extremely mature and at other times, extremely immature. Maybe this is her social immatureaty, and knowledge of science relaetd stuff maturity shining through. Maybe I should write a poem for her! I’ve done that before and it only worked or seemed authentic in the midst of a relationship — with alexa. Other things on my mind

school work

taken care of by plannign ahaeda

How reannin seems to hlep me be asware of schoolwork

normal and nice

Why did I not talk to her?

Because I thought she wouldn’t ilike me and I was sore the way she talked my head off on the way back and then just said godnight — did she want to show she was smarte than me? Was it a power trip. I was tired and didn’t want to talk back constantly to her. Maybe both tiredness and she wanted to talk I really want to act otneh the emotions and tell her I like her, if aI do. but i don’t want to have to feel like I must drink aroun her. Poem would soeem stupid right now.

Talking in russian was a ton of fun yesterday! All the best. lvoe,

1/31/04

Okay, I realized that I need to wait untill people ask me a question to feel like I need to talk — I don’t ever need to ttalk unless someone asks me a question.  Also, I want feel the constant urge to talkt to people and can talk when I want. Another cool way to keep getting by is to constantly breathe in (short breaths) and say things to myself to keep myself doing things.

okay, if this place was all girls, no authority figs. no guys, It would be heaven, I wouldn’t feel guility or ashamed about hooking up with people and I would enjoy it, do it more often, and wouldn’t have to drink aroudnd them. Also, I can achieve this by not worrying about repurcussions — what p;eole will say/think/god/teachiers everything/I worry what everyone will think if I hook up; wiht a girl. What is wrong with hooking up with a girl? They have to be socially accepted, socially accepted with me, dignified and generally, a good person, or else I’d feel ashamed locked-down or withdrawn. If I could just keep going, then that would be great. I realized everyone wants people to like them — this is power, the knowledge of that — but you don’t want to give away you like another person, normally, then they have the power, but two poeple have t o give up a little power dish out some to hook utp duh.

Spring 2003-2004

2/24/04

Finally back in chi-town ran a 6:05 mile today. Realize that my time in my life is kirting away from me. I was carted off the Cramer ship and back in chicago after the director pushed me off the set and being on paradise island. Using my time the best, is surfing and making money. God I love surfing.

Date

3/4/04

3/5/04

400m (1) sec.

76

70

2

78

70

3

86

74

4

76

73

Mile

5:13

4:47

Summer 2003-2004

???

I met a blond-haired surfer named Eric today while surfing at Rincon point. I cruised down the three tiered staircase platform descending to the beach front, buried my key, stripped off my shirt, and plunged into the water. I was amazed at the affect of not practicing for week had on my balance. I could catch waves fine, but was teetering and unstable, only able to stand up for a few seconds. I paddled down toward the point where I met Eric, the diver and surfer. I informed me that Rincon is best at low tide when the waves donít break on the beach, but the Islands, where he usually dived, were incredible places to surf, especially at China ñ something, Chinatown? ñ and some other place that started with an M. He had heard of Christian Surfers when I told him about my voyage down to Costa Rica, and told me to check out Channel Islands Surfboards and ask for Al Merrickís son, who new of the group! He paddled into shore, leaving me alone on the rocky, choppy ocean, shirtless and getting colder, but loving the gentle touch of the salty sea.

???

Early I ran into Peter, the 50-year old Swedish biker after I passed the strawberry fields, and we rode to Carpenteria, where I kept going, and saw this really attractive girl who looked like a combo of Taylor, the SEA mate, and a small bit of Maya. I am interested in moving on from thinking that I need to get nervous around girls to get them. I should look at as a time to relax and talk and flirt a little bit, I donít need to get nervous. Even though I only lasted for about an hour at Rincon backside before getting cold, and bored with the lack of waves, cooling off in the oceanís ripples and chill waters was the perfect way to close off a two hour ride! Great day!

08/??/04(Beah’s House Basement, Oregon)

By instigating change that allows the client to slowly progress towards a healthy lifestyle would allow the person to create proactive change and instigate a plan that overwhelmingly allows a person to shut the door on their court skills and play basketball like a mofo. Because if they donít have the purse, they canít hack the hock and the stuff the duck like a foot in a sock. Overall, they can produce crap and make people believe that it is wise and creative and they can insinuate a change of pace so that the overall masterpiece is interesting and inviting. But the end result is a bunch of chairs with books stacked high so that the old radio canít produce the ribs to by Carson Daily is a fag so wag the tag for the shooting deer and produce a situation where we just donít fear and fuck tits, nipples, and boobs until the vagina and the pussy slopping and juicing like a noob saibot kicking the fatalities of a fruit melon, to the middle of nowhere, that sporting goods store, Erewhon is where nowhere is because its palindrome turns on the TV which allows you to instigate a change of pace from hardly an race and leads you to promote an overwhelming signature phrase leads you to the kickstand of the table and I really should wack off or risk being consumed books and pamphlets and powers that be, just make my mind permanently lost at sea, because when I die, which will be for long and soon after that I will be at the waves of the surfing sea with waves under me, life is supposed to be easy not challenging, but all I do is challenge myself until I learn how to sing, but when I create a situation where I donít wack, my mind goes crazy and I feel like just want to scoff at people as the walk past me, but Iíll catch ëem up turn out into a basket case with a grocery-store supplyís worth of flowers and tea, can you make that horse go neighe we wee, only if your Robert miner, with the brother and me, however, that ës a sophisticated word, and all these people are lame and stupid, except that I donít know what to do if they keep on being dumb and I should really write my paper so I donít know why. James and I are crazy people becaue he is really political, probably going to be president, with his political power and comfort in politics, but I would be overwhelmingly confused if I stuck in that field, so I must go to a field with plants and no ivy, without that sticky stuff, I just will be free ñ so try me. Overall this story has gone so well, well with the frog in the bottom of it is where the story ends in a quell, so hope and I well get my wish when theres a full out swell. By rubbing a girls hot ass boobs allover my body as she brushes my penis with vagina and I lsoe all those stupid sex words because theyíre just cheesy names, real sex is personal without the funny games and you know how to die hot with the runnerby. Hopefully, youíll see the pane and not the pain ñ out the door you fly. Overall, you will make things work, but screwing a girl in the butt, who really is not a man but a woman. If you get with a woman with big breasts, then blood flows to my penis and I create a new situation based around fun. But swimming is a thing that is fun for me because I have been searching and trying so long when my family is so political its literal ñly focused on me trying to captivate my crap until I am lost at sea, with titties all around until I think that is normal, then I can move on to not take it personal, then I will be able to have fun you see, because with a dime a dozen, Iíll make the paper fly with me. This way is fun basketball with thyself, then I make the maze of words and cook the dinner all by myself. And on my own is what I have to do, because if I donít then Iíll die and make fun of you. Overall, I canít wait to start swimming, working out hard, reading, fucking, and sucking on boobies, that is what I want to do and making me think this is bad writing makes we want to move on to the next mobile home but Iím not m and m, so I just keep on tapping until I meet the ends of ends.

08/??/04 (Lake Oswego, Oregon)

AFter attending the 90th birthday party of Gladys and being around over 30-40 different people, I felt a tad bit overwhelmed after trying to talk to so many people. That one woman, Connie, was extremely attactive and 32, then we went to beah’s, then to Lake Oswego, and finally to this dinner party where I met people that looked like breck and this hot girl doing dance in chicago who was close to my age.

For the longest time, I felt as though I relinquished opportunities that I should have utilized for the sake of being in the state of nonresistance. This state of mindful non-resistance needs to be in balance with my desires, however. I must captivate my interests so that they are in alignment with actual reality of possessions and interactions. When I was interacting with the group of three people my age tonight, I realized that I was so intereest in maintaing or trying to maintain some kind of conversational momentum and initiative, that when the girl said she lived in chicago, I didn’t ask for her contact information for fear of revealing that I was strivign for something and this would appear to be effort and resistance to the three people. I was so intent on nonresistance that I was unable to stop doing this and give in to it because authentic nonresisiteance would have been very liberating because genuine nonresistance actually would allow me to maintain convesational control and then naturally ask the girl for her information. THis way I avoid feeling empty used and hopeless after intecactions. continuing nonresistance allows me to communicate freely and to actually liberate my mental activity because I would be so focused in on creating a resolve where I need to append myself to understand the agenda I am pursuing, instead I would just pursue it. By examining the fact that I like girls that are very graceful and physically focused on physiucal art like dance and yoga, reveals that I like women who are very playful with their bodies, but in an artistic way. I have got to move beyond being deeply sexually frustrated by not getting action, or, the sparse times that I do, having it be with someone I am unattracted to and start hooking up with people or a signle girl that is very attractive, and I must stop looking at sex as bad. Also I want to try to avoid thinking of intercouse as somethign sacred or taboo, and I want to have fun with sex and girls. That girl was so incredibly attractive and then I beat myself up for not askign her number. I can avoid leaving a girl that is very attractive by acknowledging to myself that she is hot, and tell myself, immediately that I want her contact information. Finally, I find the right moment to casually ask her for it.  LIke , “hey we should get together sometiem” or somethign like that. overall, This way I will not have regrets and will have done all I can .

Also it is best to start creating situations where I speak of the accomplishments I am proud of 2 marathons and mexico for example isntead of the oens that caused me pain — sea, teen freedom. And love life to its fullest whoo who~

08/??/04

I woke up, ran, ate, whent for 19 mile rid ewith dean, everybody came to LO, then went wakeboard ñ such an incredibly entertaining awesome sport. It rocked! That was so amazing. Then I had dinner and drove back wit mom, james, thaoms, and beach. Tyler is so cute with his pointing.

By creating compassion within myself, and truly thinking effortfully, when I communicate, I realized people listen more, I am residing in a peaceful reference frame, and I relate much more cohesively to the conversation by using a richer diction and vocabulary. However, the problem with creating a new situation with the environment is that I mus maintain that, but having other people treat my respectful nature with reverence is a mutal coalition of happiness and great bonds. I spoke with my mom, peacefully, and genuinely about the bladder and dieary and bike gift thing. It was frustrating at first because I wanted to rebel and say I donít need to follow the doctors orders, but she was right and just following the doctorís directions verbatim. She added extra pressure on me to have dry nights, but she kind of created a situation where I felt bound into being dry, and if I wasnít there would be problems. But hanging int hter ans acting like I agreed with her, led me to appreciate her wods and ultimately, trufthuly aggre, and a cool opportunity for a bike. Overall, my mother reminds me of me, the way I would talk to some people.  But she is a fantastic, caring, kind, wise person, and I feel terrible for treating her in a ammaner where hwe wfought but I am vehemently exuberant that tha periods has terminated and we have become more peacieful interactive. This mindful, effortful fthinkg keeps me connected with every one befcasue it has the ability to allow my mind reach out to peopleís agendas and connect with their soul, I just wait for the words. But this is not deifying myself, just fustigngf it so that it becomes good. . God do this will come from patient, tactfully word chose, conerastion, too.

The thing with girls is simple, I must be patient, simply focused in on the conversation, and getting contact info, and letting them show signs and make moves, so I am not onf the defense, for necessary reasons, but am focused in on creating an atmosphere of opening where I can see what the girl wants to do. I really am interstind in not having regrets, and pursuing these situations tactfully, with incredible patients, and then some assertive initiate in getting contact info is a great solution. Also I might want to try to make a move and be atad bit more aggressive. Othe rgirls my age after be as sexually aroused and active as I am. I could have sex four tiems a day, easily. I can do this by meeting a girl who I know is active and can flirt with. The not drinking thing is a problem, because all the girls, anne, zoe, nanna, and taylor I was drunk with. I can hookup with girls without being drunk by acting drunk and not carrying, but focusing in on maintainting conversation. Being drunk makes my brain open up and eyes kind of go int omovie watching mode , if I keep this mode, I will be able to persever wit patience and have glorious intercourse with hot babes. Overall, I must keep in mind and emotional and physical awareness that my physical beauty, attractive mental abilities, keen instight and intution, along with my deep comments, potential for reaching out and intrinsically connecting with peop,e coupled with my wickedly uniequ mannerism and humor allows me to be extremely attaract to most all girls. The y just done wonta to showt hat. Also , If turn of the pbreck theing. Usually aoompblie with quataoistiport efeyr someoth and I love life so Iíll keep loving it.

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