Rampant Polemic


Sprinted around to 6 different places (9-10 stops total) Easily ran an extra 2-miles
December 30, 2010, 1:47 am
Filed under: Uncategorized

19/12/2010 19:40:05 ##—$

Sprinted around to 6 different places (9-10 stops total) Easily ran an extra 2-miles

Saw how similiar MANY of hte places were also differenc.
NEO smelled like butt but I thought going there would be interesting.  I am not a neo person at all lawl. saw tht crazy dancer chick. it smells like a musty gym gorialla locker room.

Franks

at franks the door man was staring me down and looked like a short-haired Mystery erik von markovick

Yakzees stopped by twice in once to inquire about vest and talked with Cubans cjaket and chris. Chris thought my name was paul but it sounded like he said What’s up “Baller Man”

Tin Lizzie

Tin lizzie saw short-haired annie lennox girl (WOAH , not unlike the neo chick) BUT the most GORGEOUZS boobed Burby woman of my life.  DD Boobs.  BEAUTIFULLY shaped.  I could whack off to her EAsily.  She was more hot than Bea Flora.  I NEED to be dating a woman with huge breats that I would be whacking off to but instead of whacking off, dating her.  This sounds ridiculously obvious but for some reason the women I’ve been exposed to dating haven’t had huge boobs or the huge boobed women have TONS of resistance of which I don’t want ot have too much annoying persistance. but WOW this woman was the hottest breasted woman I saw the entire night for sure and in a LONG time in general.  In the future I’ll stay at lizzie especially considering I only go there 1 day/week tops.  I sprinted around to the six places yakzees twice, duffy’s twice, lizzie 2-3 times so 9-10 places in ONE night!!!

Why?  Maybe I was so aroused by bib-boobed bea flora like burby woman.

I got rejected SOOO many times by women.  

Dufy’s

OH at duffy’s I stood up on a chair and danced with this Immaculate White Skin woman. HAHAA felt like tallest poppy lawl!! But and I asked the girl if she’d like to ksis me and she said NOT now!! maybe later. GOOD INFO!!!!!   I think Atttractive women might be EASIER because they’ll feel and act and operate more confidently BRILLIANT HEY!!

I complimented brittany’s hat and then (maybe I create a lot of noise for her who knows)

The atttraction to burby boobed girl was like 99.999999999% sexual.  It would be SOO amazing to date a woman like that SHE WAS the TARGET officially.  Maybe should look at it as raid?? hhmm

Ayways.  these jounrals are good I ate a huge salad and confjured tension to say to  brittany oif I sweee her agina  can I talk to you for 30 secounds. everytime I’mve seen you and ienteracted with you which has been practically no time at all but every time every utterance or thing you say or what you do with your body is like aiming ot be the best person you are. that makes me feell… I love you.  I love that.!!!   You’re like that attractive cousin that you aren’t supposed to be attracted to! lawl.

Duffy’s I

I insteantly Kevin holds the door to heaven.
AND rhymed about Jen, too!! HEY!!!!
so it’s like rhymes

ravens

I commented saying it looked like someone’s living room but not “homelike”

Neo

smelled like a gym a gross gym but some people there are great/okay meh meh.

Franks

saw filmography so that seems like film stuff and I was talking about tv shows there and accents

yakzee’s

when I inquired about vest some dude next to chris and the cuban’s jacket dude had an iphone with vagina’s on it so that coudl  mean it’s not porn?

lizzie

sorts? I’ve ran before it at times? or dating/  I said Lizzie was like Business bar. business, clothing, clientele.  INTERESTING!!

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Thursday Night, Karaoke, December 16, 2010
December 23, 2010, 1:46 am
Filed under: Uncategorized

Thursday Night, Karaoke, December 16, 2010

Prep:
Had coffee, did auto-eroticism recording, had orange and bagel
SPRINTED fullerton to barry northbound with heavy shoes, listening ot australia talks on the teacher one. Good.  
Clothing: Blue tie, white shirt, grey paul frederick (Awesome) vest, contacts, short hair cut (SWEET), quicksilver cargos, boots
Drinks:
Gin and Tonic
Pitcher of Beer
Shot of Jameson
Flask
Then TONS of J&B at “emily’s place”

Places Went

Firar Tuck
Yakzees
Em/Emily’s place?

People Met
Friar Tuck
Cameron
Dana
Johnny
Met two blonde sisters
Yakzee’s
steve draeger like person
Woody
brittany
backwards cap dude
two european women (one from spain)
guy who kissed me on the cheek and I kissed him back
Soccer play EMMA(name?) torn meniscus went back to her place AWESOME!!! xD  

Successes
employing mirroing when talking with Dana
MEETING Emma and gooing to her place! SWEET!!
Singing allstar, how u remind me, and under pressure!
sprint running before.  SWEET nice.
being in clear, energized, happy times MODE last ⅓ of friar and yakzees and at emma’s place! SWEET!

Friar Tuck

Songs Sang:
Smash Mouth – All Star (VERY hard)
Nickelback – How you remind me (medium challenging)
David Bowie — Under Pressure (EASY FUN GREAT Excellent jolly good song)!

Most thing speople say about me (well many things) are about them.  Johnny who works and friar commented on how what I was saying was kind of philosophical then he talked about philosophical stuff. Interesting!! haha.

I lov ewearing vest, tie, etc.  Those are peacocking but not silly idiotic it looks good, stands out. sweet.

Huge realization. The side of the bar I was on (south side) is like dating, relationship side, not my side! The other side, where I saw someone who looked like Jeremy Soul and the old version of garritt cullerton.  thus the northside of the bar with the fire is AWESOME haha!  damnit I loved that vest!  At first I thought those PUA look-alikes were monitoring me which was annoying/odd but I just realized that side of the bar I liked more and Kate was the one who went to that other side of the bar first HAha interesting!

Yakzee’s

Key thing.  When I arrived, some JD pimple-faced dolt bought myself, Dana, and some random other person a drink

At Yakzee’s I was REALLy stoked and psyched to see woody, some backwards cap dude was with someone who looked like kate and yeah did some kind of trance by saying how about I switch places with you, oh and you were sitting down (because he was sitting down where he was so then I sit down and the effect was he was then sitting next to this woman person lawl.

Lol at yakzees it was almsot like I was winging with dana, talking about how she has brains and body.  One thing about yakzees I dont’ like is that it’s pretty NOT-like-berlin.  people standing around drinking chatting, instead of intense party.  Anyways

Emma?  Emily?

What I know
Deep Voice (very deep)
curly shoulder length dark brown-black hair
Funny woven hat
Likes Mia Hamm (soccer woman)
plays soccer
tore her left Meniscus (knee)
Nice skin, A-B boobs

She coudl be the ULTIMATE Friend + Sexual benefits and it would actually work!

I could have played soccer with her!! That would have bene so fun and amazing.  Playing soccer with a GOOD soccer player chick. OMG OMG OMG OMG that bloody would have rocked!! I hope I see her again some how bollocks. I really do.  I really liked her a LOT.

Her Apartment

Has huge electronic keyboard
has TWO AWESOME CATS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
black white-striped bong

Why did I book it out of there without exchanging contact info?
IDIOT
Did something happen? Embarassing? (like barf?)
I left my vest, my tie, and my glasses case there!  Bollocks!

I LOVED her apartment!  I would love to be roommates with her!! She’s older mature, stable, already with keyboard and TWO cats I LOVE cats OMG!!  OMG!! If only I oculd remember where we went, that or bumping into them again at yakzees or her friend (whom did cheek kiss with).  Plus I’d like to see em/emily? again.  Plus, I want her side of the story of what happened.  I LOVE LOVE LOVE cats!!!!!  They’re so precisely, intricate, well-put-together, agile, adroit silky smooth creatures and awesome!!

I don’t remember much of the evening at her place

I remember doing a bong hit, stopping by parents place to get vino and J&B.

I also remember massaging her legs and removing her pants.  
I think I remmeber seeing a condom on my dick and I definitely remember seeing her nipples.  I know I had insertion-sex, I know I didn’t ejaculate.  

So then I ran around stumbling like mad because so drunk, and caught a cab, and back at 428 things were hellish.  I ordered thai food. Saw mom and started bawling, instantly crying nonstop about pressure to get married.  HAHA I don’t think i was that distraught about it. I think I did that as advanced coaching completely related to ssk and how she prob felt pressure to marryand her marriage choice and the disconrdance between mom and dad which I’ve picked up on many many times.

BOLLOCKS how can I remember where her palce is?

I remember there was a zig-zagged wooden staircase, I remember the interior of her apartment so well.

I feel out of touch with relaity in 428 basement because my parents are so out of touch prob. nice.

Not having a car is SOOO excellent! Get lifts, it’s the best. allows me to put time intoexercise, health. sweetness!

Highlights of the Evening

At the end of Friar Tuck I had evolved up and ontop of the distraught nervousness and was in freakishly intense energy, giddy, laughing great mode.
I talked with old guy (who looked like garrit cullerton 20 years older) and joked “live inside the character”, connoting TB and WoW and proper singing character fun mode. He was trying to guess where I was from.

I didn’t tell anyone where I was from EXCELLENT because I’m NOT from any place specific.  I’m international!!! SWEET!!

i know that the basement is an office and someone like that soccer player woman would be an ideal awesome roommate!  

Notes, Reflections and Ideas

It would be nice to proper move in and stay with a different woman (like spend the night) say 2-3 nights per week.  Planned, sleep over with massage and sex so awesome HAHA GREAT!

The people I hook up with emerge out of nowhere at the end of the night.

Another reason why I like older women:

  • They know what they’re doing in life, aren’t stressed about it.
  • They don’t act like whiny people like do I trust him?  
  • They’re confident, less timid, more sure of themselves and therefore more stable and less of a headache.
  • Most younger women have something psychologically theyre working on or compensating for (insecurities) or some complication like that.
  • I LOVE older women!
  • There’s Less awkwardness!! Young women are shy or more timid or not relaxed.  
  • Being with an older woman seems like being ion a stable cruise boat and a younger woman like a wobbly dinghy?  hehe maybe in part.
  • Friend + Sexual benefits ACTUALLy will work with older women because the older woman would prob look at me as an energetic boytoy (fine with me ) so the relationships would be some mucky confusing possessive emotional relationship just friends and sexual stuff. SIMPLE!
  • SIMPLE!

Cheek kissing that dude after he cheek-kissed me I think showed confidence and comfort and it undoubtedly helped me connect with emma. SWEET.

if i get with a woman, I want to be having hot sweaty sex for AT LEAST one hour 60 minutes, idelaly more than two hours, 120 hours.  Like with erica alvarez it was about 180 minutes tons of positiosn and most importantly ON THE CARPET that’s huge and key and MUCH easier for me.  TRUE!!!  beds are squishy wobbly and sex should be a great fun intimate passionate workout.  

I would have LOVED to room with Emma/emily!! I doubt she’d be into that, but at the very least spending nights at her place would be awesome.

At Yakzee’s I LOVED how I didn’t go into jealousy mode!  I was energized, charged, taklative liking people.  I spoke emphatically about non drugs with a a steve draeger -like person.  Doing the SPRINTS is vital and huge.  I LOVE that. that’s like way better than cig HAHA and refreshing, cools me off.  Ahhh the brisk chill is EXQUISITE, incredibly awesome.

it was so weird how natural it felt around Emma she didn’t have any claustrophic baggage.
Rememberhing things We said might help me remember where she lived or other info.

Also visualizing the cab ride.  Cab I think I remember hitting clark street? which means if so she would be weat of clark?  the cab driver said “i’l take a shortcut” hhmm which I didn’t remember where we went.
like same cab driver from night before haha helpful like chauffeur knigth rider buddy.
he said “you ahve the dirnks”

I wish /i had been more observant.
if i had her contact info or location of her place problem would be solved.

hhmmmm.  
I said you could be a yoga instructor.  you could be in your teens or 50; they conceal their age.  GREAT LINE.

The biggest realization is I’m in my best zone when excited, enthusiastic, and itnerested in peopel (especially after karaoke!) AND I don’t get jealous.  VERY zen wu wei sweetness.  But when I’m in good social uplifting zone, I am natural.  And I say the “best lines”  SWEET!.

I felt like I trusted emma. sweet. true c’est vrai!

Also, I have distinct awareness of being in that accelerated, whitenesssss (

Cameron called his karaoke name “negro supreme” lol he joked I should have my name be Whitenesssssssss with tons of s’s LOL.  He’s cool.  That guys awesome.

I LOVE

Like Dana was qualifying herself to me the whole night (patrick stewart picture, leg-flip, AWESOME dance move!!!!, saying she’s pretty awesome).

I felt like two people or a different person.  Like when I ordered the Thai food.  I normally would have queued up an order waited and wondered for an hour but I just DID stuff AWESOME and I put an emphatic note on the delivery instructions.  I wasn’t al worried about what people would think and was very detail focused and unashamed about being detail focused!!

428 W Roslyn Pl
Chicago, IL 60614
773 991-6391
Special Instructions
THE PROPER ADDRESS IS THE METAL GATE not the tohe stairway up to 428. To the left of the stairway you’ll see a stairway going down anda metal gate. Go through the metal gate. Knock on the door. As strange as iti sounds that’s place!!!                                                                               

Insights into being “more myself”  I was myself in accelerated, charged, social, electric dynamic, frickin’ awesome amazing mode on thrus night last ⅓ of friar and during yakzees during sprint.  

I need to find work.

How can you f-close but NOT number close?!! lol jeepers.  I LOVED her cat’s too and her even-keelness and her skinny body but hevavy sturdy stableish her apartment was FANTASTIC too!

Best solution ever, she brings them to yakzees with her contact info and I pick them up there!

Things I want to work on:
Being more assertive, aggressive in the bed.  I am loving, sensual, passionate, but yeah….I want to work more on being sensual connected.

Also huge realiation sex is something I have to massively BUILD up toward and it’s a LOT of intense work to have that experience. it’s NOT easy simple casual, but it’s fun and uplifting because giving and sensual experience etc.

Was SOOOOOO charged at yakzees.  had zero inhibitions wasn’t showing off was actually doing matchmaker mode which I LIKED haha brilliant!   I did a TOTAL derren brown swap places with that cap dude, just because looked like good situation haha.  jsut spoke mind in a GOOD quality way. SWEET!

OMG Emma’s apartment was sooo exquisitely sized, with cats AMAZING!!! I LIKED and her so much I want ot see her again.  she’s so calm, mellow, relaxed, simpe, not excessively girly, she played soccer bloody hell amazing!!

Cried effusively to mom about presure to get maried (I think I was making this up and was upset about being in chicago AND not getting emma’s contact info.  WHY did I leave so abruptly withoutconneciton. I was afraid of having ejaculation.

I worry about bed performance and am always “nice and smooth” but I want to be rough and comfortable being rough.

Have become attuned to how some things have positive or negative impact
impact of…

watch/no watch!!
high-tech iphone or NO phone!!

sweetness

Like I’m not sure if I’m supposed to be like animal-mode cave-man.

I’m GREAT at “love-making”.  Wild aggressive intense sex I have difficulty implementing like telling the woman what to do…etc.  I like being directed with sex unless I know what I’m doing specifically and then I like being assertive.  

I KNOW and understand that I idislike having sex and having the woman thinking “wow this guy is lame” that’s one of the worst feelings in the world.  imho.

I gotta stop living at bioparents house HONESTLY it’s demenotr draining hell-city!
I think another thing that happens is I have so much performance anxiety I sometimes can’t get erection, but if I could be rough I could always get an erection hhmm..

And what about this “man” man stuff like just pounding ramming sex NOT love making.  have I ever done that?  Yeah with Vanessa.  haha that was awesome.  

Obstacles to intense ramming sex.
fear of violating person. fear of treating body like object in a way that’s degrading or not what htey want.  selfish? nah. tehcnically it coudl be giving and pleasurable and way better in some ways!

i basically have naughty odd rough urges that I always quell in sex even when I’m being particulary aggressive/assertive.

I wish the woman had a meter communicaitng how much she was liking something etc.

HUGE REALIZATION
People like seeing me.  People like me.  I want to devise a way to use that . People pay via purchasing  a ticket to see some people (performers) and then those people make their living by structuring an interface where they earn money by being “seen” basically.  THAT THAT THAT is awesome and good and I guess the financial defintiely of a perfomrner hhmm.

I feel EXCELLENT in life.
Kate gf on backburner consisetnt love affection going on tap.
Then occasionally meeting OLDER woman AWESOME

Emma was nice because she never belittled me.  SHE WAS GREAT!  I like emma!
she looked like alanis morisette!

What happened is fucking PAT sabotages things. BLOODY HELL.  I can’t believe that bollocks!! I really would like to I get that vest back AND see emma again AND play soccer with her and

I’m so stoked met her. that rocked!  

I’ve got to not sink and stay focused sweet.

No longer feel being with bioparents is safe.

I am having such a troubled time remembering where that woman lives because she was 38!! In such an advanced state, an older mode, and now living in parent’s basement it’s like non-successful younger mode.  But when I was with her I was in highschool lol highly success state.

how can I remembmer
auditory clang of bottles in car.  
I think her at clark/broadway which way is north.
why didn’t I even get her street name?  
Why did I leave so quickly?
did something happen?
did I barf?
What the fuck??!!!

I don’t want whatever might hva ehappened ot embarass/hinder me. kk

watching porn is really destructive and bad because it distances me from the goal of having friend + sexual relationship with women.

What if I’m acting…what if a lot of what I’m doing is acting. like doing things energ stuff, and being in down mode isn’t depresed just not high-energy character, jsut not not acting.

helpful seeing people out of charace.

another reason why porn-watching is bad is sex should be and IS playful bodies touching massaging licking.  porn turn it insto somethign bleh

There’s a lot of women with whom to experience sex especially FOREIGN european women. interesting. want ot have no performance anxiety and minimze that and maximize tons of fun good things to try. GREAT!! kate amazing teacher haha sweet.



Fornication, Celibacy, Abstinence, and Sexual Intercourse
December 22, 2010, 4:52 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags:
I was reluctant to send this because I’ve think i’ve talked about, discussed, ranted about, even whined about the “S” word too much already.  That was the main reason why I wouldn’t want to send, but it’s something about which I’m excitedly content (this did get bizarre and overly-intellectual toward the end. Feel free skip over that).

The voice of wisdom is based on respect and reverence and trust and mutual affection, not rules.  I think when rules (like I’m “never” doing y until x happens) into a relationship, makes it stuck and hindered and handicapped.  A relationship that has strong preferences where a person concieves of somethign incredibly unique to the relationship (they feel some immense amount of certainty or something), is more strong and structured than a relationship cut-up with rules.  I think interests, loves, passions, and all of that should be honored in a relationship.  I think rules suffocate a relationship in a very dangerous way.

I like respecting people and their values and if they don’t want to do something I am always focusing on doing my best to honor and respect that!  However, that’s distinct from rules and boarding up something.  Rules in a relationship I think are slightly toxic.  Rules are different from respect.  A relationship is too much of an organic, living breathing being, to staple a rule to it and say this must happen before this.

Because of what Kate has said about pre-marital sex, I think I’ve become more nervous about sex than her!  That’s not good!  So I think it’s best for me to just find other outlets and focus on other things and other elements of dating, and if Kate wants to do something about it, fine, but if not, equally as fine.  

i think I just like the (I know EXTREMELY unlikely) vision of having intercourse with Kate.  I fantasize about that, okay!! lol. haha.  I do so especially because the relationsihp is so amazing and she IS like a best friend!  Bloody hell!  Most people I’ve fantasized about with sex, they waft away in the imagination.  With Kate, I keep fantasizing about (actually dreaming about) that because I like her as a friend so much and feel so much emotional trust and authentically connected with her.  Thus, I think a lot of the other fantasy and dreams I’ve had (over other women) there was little or no emotional component to it; now, however, there’s a friendship, emotional, fun, serious, connected, incredibly potent and strong element to the entire relationsihp, which totally rocks!

So I guess hearing:

“we aren’t fulfilling ourfantasy/dream until we do a ceremony and exchange weddign vows”

is VERY different from

“we aren’t fulfilling our fantasy/dream until we’re both mutually ready emotionally, with trust, and certainty, and understanding and knowing that it’s right with the relationship”

The second one I’m completely happy with and respect more than the first one.  It think the second one is more natural, graceful, and akin to how a relationship grows (and relationship can grow massively without sex; sex is NOT an ingredient for relationship growth! It occasionally can be an important nutrient, but it’s not a necessary one.  After all, some of my best friendships don’t have .  The first one makes me kind of furrow my brow and be like “hhmm” that sounds like a snide constriction.  Strangely, I have an enormously different impact on the second one: I have monumentally much more respect for the latter than the former.  Here’s the most peculiar part: they would both have the same effect.  Something wouldn’t happen until someone felt ready!  It’s arguable this is semantics, but it’s not . The first one seems like restricting protocol and strangulates the growth of a trustworthy relationship, while the second one is about respect for a person’s body, mind, and spirit and connecting their emotional needs and thresholds for trust (how much trust and certainty a person needs varies from person to person).

I love a relationship that’s thriving (like the relationship with Kate…it’s frickin’ thriving in ways I never even thought of before).  After having such a an amazingly intense, rough, horrifying, homeless, at times fearful-of-dying experience in Europe (evne though, hey, I still love europe, it’s a fantastic place, and having a good or bad time their is not relevant to it’s qualityness and it’s sophisticated in good), then discovering and creating this relationship with Kate 4 months later feels like surviving a tornado and landing on some magical celestial Home cloud.  What I mean by that is I was shouting and screaming and broke and fearful of being stuck in a city and SCARED out of my mind of most all people.  And then comes along this awesome woman Kate. Whoop-dee-doo, Wow.  I love her!  I really do.  And it’s not like “oh I feel obligated to like her because of something” nor like “she likes me, so I’ll like her back” (even though I think she does like me).  This is like Wow, tremendous trust, fun, (but not like seriousness heaviness) like light, but also not like (randomness, who cares) it’s like fun, light, tremendous, and immensely galvanizing and awesome!  

Actually, by comparing how fortunate (and I’m not a person who likes the concept of luck: Luck is Infatuated with the efficient — Persian Proverb.  and a great one at that!) and COMPATIBLE (I’m a computer person, I’m huge with compatibility ) with this other person, over-focusing on something as trivial as sexual intercourse, which is this idiotic technical vaginal-insertion of penis or penile-insertion of vagina or however it’s technically described, is so myopic.  The massages, kissing, hugging, cuddling, and licking and touchign that Kate and I do I think are already much more powerful and potent and strong and meaningful (at least for me I realize!) than actual anatomical sexual congress!

So I realize in this very cathartic and helpful writing bit that all the intimacy and passion and hugging and massages and trust and laughs and listenign and talkings that I share with Kate are Wow, so amazing. I’m very content with our “sexual romantic life”.  I realize I was slightly being a little whiny obnoxious blinded person.  Actual coitus is really insignificant compared to all the intimacy we’ve shared and the intimacy is what’s important.  HAHA!  So we’re focusing on the important things already!  Most people focus on sex and then are like “Oh yeah…oops maybe we should build a relationship”.  Kate and I have totally done that. But it’s not like “build construct’ it grows.  It’s like an awesome amazing organism!    

So I’m realizing now, I don’t know if I’d actually want to have the formal anatomical intercourse” with Kate.  I’d fear being pressuring and pressuring her into doing something she wouldn’t want to do but MOST MOST MOST MOST important is that I realized it’s not that important to me.  I thought it was, but I realize We’re ALREADY doing — Kate and I are already achieving the genuinely important things in a relationship.

I feared that Kate’s sexual abstinence would starve the romantic part of the relationsihp, depriving it of a vital “nutrient” to a couple.  Sexual intercourse can be totally a valuable nutrient to a relationship, but “just” having it is insufferably myopic.  More importantly, being more conscientious of sex (as Kate is) has gotten me thinking about it and a part of me is slightly antisexual at times (disliking sex).  I am not asexual because asexuality is simply disinterest in sex.  I have somewhat of an interest in sex or maybe it’s just a pre-occupation and a pressure.  I’m thinking what would it be like if I engaged total abstinence (not just sexual, all abstinence).  Some believe that the loss of semen through ejaculation depletes vital nutrients of lecithin and phosphorous (found in semen and at high levels in the brain).  Frederick Niezsche claims the reabsorption of semen by the blood…perhaps promps the simulus of power, the unrest of all forces towards the overcoming of resistances”.  That’s a little hoakey-sounding, but I have noticed a very different impact from experimenting with abstinence.   I think right now I’m at a place where I only want to break abstinence only on special occasions, especially for particularly amazing romance.  But I wouldn’t want that romance on a regular basis I don’t think.  I think eventually it might feel depleting.

The lecithin and phosphorous argument is very enchanting and interesting.  I like the feeling of connection and kind of a truthfulness to myself being abstinent and then only occasionally breaking that abstinence on a unique occasion!  I think I will be more assertive with that and in a relationship it will be slightly challenging.

Pyschologically there’s statistical positive results to career and educational success directly associated with abstinence.  People who engage in sexual activity before 18 compared to those who do not are twice as likely to not finish college, twice as likely to not finish high school, and on average have 15 percent lower incomes.  Mark Twain says there’s “Lies, damn lies, and statistics”, but still, I think there’s some correlation with intelligence and abstinence.  The two seem to pop up all over the palce together.  Nikola Tesla, for example, was celibate.  Celibacy is committing to never having sex (nor orgasm, nor masturbation).  Celibacy, therefore is “permanent” or “forever” abstinence.  I admired that quality of Tesla.  I wouldn’t want to be celibate, but I have definitely experimented with abstinence.  

The only reason why abstinence is so appealing, is the physiological impact on the body and most importantly, the mind, seems to be very promising.  I have noted feeling slightly disorganized after ejaculating and more organized in some ways after not doing so.  

Chastity is a guideline for sexual conduct according to a culture, religion, or organization. A common prescription of chastity is abstinence.  I’m have zero interest in chastity which is basically rule-based restriction.  That would be changing or alterring oneself because of someone else’s rule.  I do like the idea of self-induced abstience for neuroscientific and physiological reasons.  

I’m actually noticing some similarities between behavior that Kate and I have but for very different reasons.  It seems like Kate’s behavior of abstinence is based on religious chastity and my interests in abstinence (which truly do exist) are based purely on physiology, like a physiological experiment.  

I did not know that the three major world religions, Islam, Judiasm, and Christianity, all restrict sex to something in a marital context.  Very interesting.  I was raised and found a love for science so rule-based restrictions are very silly to me.  If something has a physiological basis, it makes sense, usually.  For awhile I was incredibly ascetic.  Asceticism comes from the greek word “exercise” or “training”.  Exercise, and writing motivational e-books was a form of achieving spiritual goals.  I had no (or little) religious goals, but my spiritual goals were very serious.  They were very undefined and hazy, but strove towards them with exercise and writing.  Intellectual goals, career goals, relationship goals, and health goals are of my current and primary concern now.  I still think abstinence can be very helpful and galvanizing.  

So combining all these newly clarified words, A highly religious person would likely be chaste until marriage.  Their chastity woudl be based on abstinence.  Some peole ahve had permanent voluntary abstinence by choosing to be celibate, like Nikola Tesla did.  Considering the enormous amount of time and energy put into sexually-charged and distracting advertisements and pornography and the distortion of sex, celibacy sounds appealing because of the freedom from those digressions.  However, while an ascetic pursuit of some goal is wise and prudent, I think that intermittent and structured abstinence is a good alternative to permanent celibacy.  I think there will be pressure from people regarding this.  Voluntary, non-chaste abstinence, kind of ascetic-based abstinence is fairly rare; abstinence is most commonly found in the practice of religious chastity.

Some other interesting words are adultery, infidelity, and fornication.  Fornication is simple a special type of sexual intercourse, premaritical sexual intercourse.  Fascinatingly the etymological origin of fornicate is fornix which means archway.  The connection?  In ancient Rome prostitutes were solicited under archways.  So fornix (archway) is a euphemism for premaritial sex (which typically is conducted with a prostitute)!  So someone devoutly chaste will never fornicate, but they may have (post-marital) sex.  Adultery is sexual intercourse with someone other than the married spouse.  Adultery is a degree of infidelity.  Infidelity is colloquially referred to as “cheating”.  Something facinating.  If a couple commits to an open polyamorous relationship, then infidelity (and therefore adultery) are all impossible!  Sodomy can occur in a devoutly chaste married couple but whether or not it was a problem would depend on religious laws.

One particular religion that is interesting is Jainism, which seems incredibly focused not on rules and protocol, but asceticism.  The five huge vows of Jainism are:
Celibacy
non-possession
non-violence
non-stealing
truth

Truth, non-stealing, non-violence are intellectually and morally already incredibly engaging and something I practice.  I’ve felt great discomfort around people who blatantly and continually lie about many things, trivially so.  I’ve noticed that in people.  I hadn’t realized how committed to being truthful I am.  I’ve seen positive and negative sides to that.  Ultimately, I think it’s much more interesting to be truthful or playfully untruthful can be very refreshing though (like the 30-seconds of lying in acting, was incredibly liberating, but it only worked because there was an agreement for a set time of lying.  I think I looked at things differently and a lot of what I said that wasn’t true, highlighted insights on things (like stage as a runway or a mine-field)!  It was very disturbing at those two places because All those people simply lied about their professions.  One person said architect, another said author.  And then later someone said they all worked at Weber grill.  I guess that means they all decided to lie about their professions or they decided to that on that night.  Non-possession and celibacy are the ones that have been of off and on interest.  To be honest, my interest in truthfulness is not waning, but I’m cultivating and interest in playful untruthfulness (imagination, only when another person agrees on that).  I have an interest in celibacy and my interest in non-possession started in 2000 and has fluctuated since.  I’ve generally been incredibly mobile.  I value voice and tons of knowledge.  I need computers.  I would never not want computers and data.  I like the idea of being selective about that however.  I do have a great dislike for cluttering possessions.  That’s what I like about data, though, is that it’s clutter-free and arguably not a possession.  I value data and journals and computer information, and knowledg,e but I dont’ like many possessions.  Non-stealing, non-violence are things I’m 100% on-board with.  There’s a lot of resistance to being truthful and celibate because, frankly, so many people lie and fuck.  I love logic and truthfulness and those go very well with teaching. I think non-violence and non-stealing are always universally productive.  However, I think there can be occsional merit to structured aggreed upon untruthfulness.  I don’t think celibacy is ideal, but some form of structured abstinence is something I practice already.  And a method of minimalizing non-computer-based possessions is an interst of mine as well.  So I can relate to some of the vows of Jainism.  I at the very least have some degree of interest in some of them!  

I guess being an atheist, what I like about Jainism is it’s strict ascetic focus to bettering oneself and the fact that it does not believe in a deity.  I guess technically someone can be both a Jainist and an Atheist, but I am not strict Jainist, but I am a strict atheist.

I just realized something I was trying to understand

A personal rule against fornication, a devout subscription to chastity, effects oneself and one’s partner.  A belief or a guideline for oneself often only effects and refers to oneself.  I think that’s where my distaste for strict chastity comes in.  I think someone waiting until they feel it’s right to fornicate (or even to have sexual intercourse after marriage, I think it would be appropriate to wait then, too!).  I think it makes as much sense to wait years until after marriage to have sex because only then does it feel right; similarly, I think it’s equally as appropriate to fornicate (premarital sex) because at that time it feels right.  I think regardless of marriage (if people are married for 20 years and it doesn’t feel right, then they shouldn’t have sex), people should always wait until there’s trust and it mutually feels like it’s the best thing to do to have sex.

Okay, that’s about all I can muse about intercourse.  

I instantly pick up on female attraction to me,  and it’s quite frequent.  Most of the time I know and understand it’s most prudent to respond with “No you can’t have me because of the exhausting number of hoops you’ll digressionally make me jump through just so you can satisfy your own sexual urges. Plus, I have an interest in abstinence”. Interesting!

Fornicate — a type of sex (premarital sex)
Infidelity — cheating
Adultery — sexual infidelity (sexually cheating)
Chastity — religious-based abstinence (typically until marriage)
Abstinence — not having sex for a period of time
Celibacy — permanent abstinence
Asceticism — training for pursuit of spiritual (or religious) goals.
Sodomy — “unnatural (oral or anal) sex