Rampant Polemic

2011 (Up till now)
March 25, 2011, 12:02 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

    ———————————————————————————————————————————————————————————- el
01/02/2011 09:01:55 ##—$

Purpose of this emai:
To say "hi".
To say I’ve loved/love sharing some of my life with you.
To say that I think experiences we’ve shared (and may share in future) are valuable to each other (at least I found them valuable) and that given that value, I think the relationship warrants continuity or atleast seems to make keeping up up a relationship of some form, logical.
I don’t know if what "kind" of relationship that is (intimate lovers, friendship, infrequent/frequent or what, people you just email).
Trust you’re doing well!

Hey Kate!

Have been busy and ruminated on our relationship. 

I could write pages but am opting for concision.

I think the time we haven’t seen each other the past month (be it the end of relationship, a "break", or simply a change in the relationship) has been good.

We became intimate (not just sexually, but like relationship intimacy) really quickly, which is fine, but in one of yoru emails you mentioned how it was scary to say "i love you" and mean it, so scary intimacy sort of.

To be blunt, I’ve gradually thought about marriage.  Not to any specific person  but just in general.  I had never really thought about that.  I think that’s an enormous difference between us.  You have thought about it enough that you already knew what you wanted to do with your kids on a weekly basis.

I’ve given thought aspects (without even considering kids which is too far removed from my speculations at the time) that I feel are important like the idea of having someone in your life with whom you check in with regularly.  Like picturing what it would be like to be at work or doing computer stuff or traveling or whatever and then being like "oh yeah, I should call my wife to see how she is doing".  That "picture" was really bizarre because it was one of the few aspects of marriage that I am capable of picturing/envisioning.

Anyways, I’ve been out of contact with you.  I hope that we can consider a relationship (even if it means just platonic friendship, or something more intimate).  I think we’re mature enough and most importantly emotionally intelligent enough to be able to share moments and affection with each other and then still recognize the value of good times shared together and that (at least I think) those "good time moments" legitimate at the very least, a friendship that should be nurtured and experienced (even if it’s less frequently). 

Basically, I’m saying I’m labelling you as "uplifting" (haha few people have that label and this whole labelling people thing may sound superficial, but it’s important) and look at the relationship as definitely a mutual-win and a great few months of my life and look forward to it (if it continues in some manifestation) or at the very least happily reflect upon it! I guess I’m saying I’m open to doing "more relationship stuff" (friendship, email pen-pals, intimate lovers, friends you see twice a year) if we’re both up for it.  There’s no point in burying something that is potentially mutually quality!

I also wanted to say (although I know this is something of which you’re already aware 😉 ) that you’re an awesome person.  Energetic, kind, ebullient. Good person! 

What do you think?

I don’t know if you’ve moved on and are now dating one of the many men from your "harem of suitors" HAHA!! But felt like writing this! Cheers!

Hey Mo,

Also, taking acting classes is,as you said, not a luxury, especially if it’s part of one’s career track . It’s just as much of a "luxury’ as taking accounting classes is it not?  It is.

Also, why did you say counseling/consulting? to when I mentioned coaching? Do you think that would not be a good fit? I wonder why a few people think that
 Anyways, it has taken me two years to get the certification and it was a lot of work and is my most prominent career at present.  I have noticed a pattern of a lot of people seemingly ridicule (it seems that you may not be an exception?) it which is, well, at times simply interesting at other times discouraging.  I wonder why that is?  Maybe people have this vision o me doing something else (like what?).  Who knows.  I rarely say to a person what? you’re doing that?  How could that not be insulting?  I wonder if a lot of my previous indecision with class and career chocies were based on heeding and giving too much credence to people’s evaluations of what I should or shouldn’t be doing!  Anyways, the coaching certification was a lot of work, took two years, and am proud of it, regardless of whether or not people think of it as cheesy or a poor fit.  I feel different and that’s what matters I guess.

Anwya,s congrats about your CPA track.  I can’t afford to randomly go to new york (an expensive city) and do a bunch of "random stuff to do".  If I could get some consistent income lined up there, it would be a a place I would like to try out, but for now I can’t afford it and things are sort of decent at present.  My interests in aus are stronger anyways, but new york does seem interesting.

Glad to hear you seem to be enjoying it so much! Do you know when you’ll get the cap (like career track timeline)?  Sounds interesting.


Hey mom,
I was thinking about a few things you said:

You said I don’t want to write; I want to be free.  Doesn’t that imply that you thought (at least the day where you did 5 hours of it) of writing as "not free"?  What kind of free?  No charge free?  More time?  Less structure? More structure?  "more free" is incredibly vague. 

I read about how male brains think of something at a times and female brains (exceptions of course) often think of topics simultaneously.  Maybe I just kept focusing on that as something to fix.  Change what you do if it feels imprisoning (the definition of not free would be imprisoning?)



Vexation: TDK and ask were (or ka or something) were using galvanization word.  Thats my word.  I LIKE that word, that’s in my book.  Ifeel like he/they/whatever stole it. bollocks.

2011/02/12  michigan 
not real biomom
teeth fell out

Three WEIRD dreams.  Dreamt I et this woman who had email "pordy@ gmail? something? .com.  But her name of the email was "Pornstar".  She ws brunette and I thought went to cc.  I told her I went near vivid at that bar but didn’t go in (diseases gross) but yeah.

Then  I dreamt that someone told me that ask was NOT my biological mom and that some very tall slightly fat person was my biomom.  But ask obsessed that she raised me so "was" (but not really because I had so many babysitters).  Then there was a GROSS disturbing fucked up theme about ask non-biomom hitting on me or FUCKED put stuff. Disturbing.

Finally, I dreamt that my top teeth got so mangled without braces that one of them fell out and I panicked saying I needed to get invisalign. 

I liked that dentist on fullerton.  simple, charts, not luxury fountain weirdness. normal dentist.

almost disturbing dermas.



I feel I’ve learned a lot about my father (and mother ) of the past 48 hours having dinner with, driving out to michigan with, doing housework, and having dinner again with dad (and tommy the second dinner). 

I learned my father repulsively sounded like the guy who beat me up in 2007, brutally.  That he saved a purse lady and "beat the guy up"
something I totally don’t believe AT ALL. 

That my mom DELIBERATELY tries to confuse people!! my biomom says things like "I don’t know if I want to write or I don’t know if I do..blah blah"


thanks so much for going out to michigan, perennial, the dinner with tommy, helping with grocery shopping, and doing the chore/tasks/maintenance things (shoveling, christmas tree, loft checking, cottage checking) was surprisingly fun and I really enjoyed that!  So glad about the no F,H,S agreement as that obviously and blatantly galvanized me to as I said feel less imprisoned and more motivated, and most of all safer around you which, combined with being in a place I like (michigan), sparked natural amiability and things felt good and normal!  (so much for the short sentences there! hhaa!! I want to write in shorter sentences.  It will improve the clarity of my thinking and communication.  There we go!)

Also, a few musings
The next day I thought about you chasing after a few of those people (like the purse-stealer in 1975 NYC) and then beating the person up.  I definitely am not wavering on that being a super-hero thing to do (it is. putting your own life at risk).  But I don’t know with that story and how tommy said "fight or hide" it sounded like their was some mental ambiance of fighting is good or beating up someone is victorious.  I have zero respect and total disgust for that (probably as disgusting as you thought my orange, pasta, and bread bowl was haha!).  I don’t think beating up someone is a victory (any more of a victory than getting beat up), and disrespect people who do believe that.  I know you’re a pacificst and you probably agree with that.  But there’s often a male culture that associates victory with beating up something and that’s just retarded, wayward, and indicative of stupidity, in my humble opinion.   I am pretty sure you already believe all this, but I guess I just wanted to voice that.

Tips for Organizing Files

•Delete burry images
•Consistent file naming

2011/02/13 DREAMDREAM
dreamt partially waking lucid dreaming of women arriving in michigan. one like meredith, two GORGEOUS beauty women like the two euro women saw outside wake-up last day in sydney.  AND some huge big-boobed blond with shoulder length hair (maybe like fantasy porno jameson or savannah or busty actually attractive kate clone or something) . And did great doggy and positions and wheelbarrow in basement bed.  Wild crazy.

Ubuntu working DONE
Dropbox organized DONE (some)
GPS working


CARD ID Garmin SanDisk 8GB
81 Made in Taiwanm

20110214 MIÍ
yell SCREAMING body mind voice connection. NAMED tons of PICTURES AND MATPOS.  Want to move to AUS ans STAY.  realized CHEM PHYSICS MATH are what you ahve when everything is gone you still have those hard sciences.  everyoen does . they’re what matters. LISTENED TO classical music CLASSICAL MOZART SOOOOO GALVANIZING!!!! SWEET MAGICAL ALIGNMENT MOZART

PYRENAME is awesome.   I love this program.  Written in a language I love, for an operating system I love.  It fills the whole screen.  It works beautifully.  It’s logically structured.  The replace tokens work always, flawlessly.  This program is GREAT. Awesome.

FIGHTING IS HIDING!!! IT IS!! C’est Vrai.  When you don’t fight, but connect with your voice, body, and mind, you move forward and advance and succeed!  Fighting is failure.


Ultimate Gear

    portable mouse
    battery charger
    crossover cable!
    maybe portable HD
Why this works:  Creates MASSIVE mobility (all laptops) but still has dual screen!! amazing and THREE OSes too . brilliant!

Travel Normal Gear
    two collared shirts
    4 black undershirts
    2 long pants
    1 short
    8 underwear (good incase leak)
    8 socks
Why this works: enough underwear for cleanliness.  The two long pants in case one gets dirty, the 4 undershirts can be worn as normal shirts. GREAT . two collared shirts for enough variety but not so much that indecision. GOOD.

Hiking Gear
    Solar Panel
    Link to Battery charger (GPS)
    Link to USB (kindle or ereader cahrger)

wild cats are JUst liked domestic cats in
chewing on the side with the scissor-like molars to cut food (or chicken with domestic cats)

with the claws, retracting etc!
with the purring, the pouncing, the stalking, JUST like wild cats!

the cat’s tongue (domestic and wild) have barbs and the like. COOLer.

that meredith chick did the neck cat grab thing.

Cat canines are designed with a Gap behind them so that a chunk of flesh gets lodgered there.  That chunk of flesh via the cat’s surgically precise bite, is the carotid artery.  So the cat’s "kill" but pinching blood flow to the brain. DANG.  They use the gentle (carotid blood flow severing bite) with large pretty and the spine-chomping powerful bites to smaller preyt. interesting! (maybe because the large pretty would flail and hurt cat but with gentle bite it just loses consciousness

One REALLY disturbing thing is some of this is like cat like mma which I HATE.  hhmm yeah. Aquatic life might be better.  AND MATH.

I can relate to the leopard brining food to high area (like in Stra hhaa nice) I like leopards the best.  AGILE.

Tigers are solitary hunters.
Lions are team hunters.
leopards are solitary.  interesting.


Dramt was in a van/bus possibly coming from disneyland. Some father had me hold his (beautiful, like 3-5 year old?) daughter because she was sick or tired or something. Then he, his wife/gf and daughter got off and caught a bus away form the airport.  It might have been santa barbara . James and thomas and I waited for dad to pick us up and james was emaciated which thomas and I recognized.  I hoped to see the daughter regain.  They mentioned something and I mentioned jimmy carter and mentioned "regin of terro’ but said oops that was late 1800s, but it was late 1700s, french rev was 1789.


All of chicago is a MASSIVE scam designed to DISTRACT you from what you want to get (like wanting and NEEDING teeth whitening and braces).

I just had the (irrational and invalid) thought of the INFECTION of tommy and tdk’s words: that they wanted me to feet.  I had the irrational thought of actually fighting or liking it which is NOT true.  I greatly dislike fighting.  I DO feel tremendous anger though.  I thought about quelling that angering by getting beat up.  To feel through this MASSIVE muck of anger (primarily created by chicago basically). I just feel NUMB with anger that’s been buried for so long
blegh bollocks.

I feel naked and used and angry and lost.  I feel like I’m suffocating.  I miss telly.  I feel I should go to chicago. BOLLOCKS.  DAMN COMPUTER.  DEFINITELY should have had dad take that back.  I HATE MY GMAIL account.  There’s so many fucking angry boombs (things that make me angry there) aND IT’s a FUCKING HEADACHE of abuse and being used.  ALL OF GMAIL is being used.  Ellie, bioparnet,s Kate, EVERYONE fucking HELL. 

Only people I like email from are AUSSIES.  Everyone else is a MONEY-sucking, TIME-sucking, EXPLOITING CLIENT! 

that felt GOOD GOOD GOOD to write. 

I am still in prison I feel.  I feel better writing this.

What can I do to secure feeling ing?  telly and permanence and GFs in michigan and career.  LOVE tech career.  LOVE ubuntu.

I have SOOO much training and information.  Telling that to bioparents would be WORST.  They have drained me of knowledge and resources it seems.

Also, what about the illusion of being wealthy?

as a child of 7 or 8 she began to experience what she describes as

Science to Attraction

David Perrett, "Face it: There’s some science to attraction." ARTICLE NOTES
"We tend to be egotistical he said: when people smile, we tend to think they are smiling at us, but when they look angry, we think they are mad at someone else.  We like attractive faces turned toward us, and less attractive faces turned from us."
— David Perrett, " "Face it: There’s some science to attraction."

"The family — particularly parents – affect us.  Especially if we get along with our parents, we tend to (but don’t always) choose partners that resemble the opposite-sex parent."
— — David Perrett, "Face it: There’s some science to attraction."


You may have noticed that email communication has gone up slightly thanks to no F, H, S invasion!


The wasps are odd.  The only pattern is I have only seen them on first floor.  About three now.  Two alive.  They appear out of nowhere it seems.  I couldn’t find nest or anything.

I should have had you take back the computer.

Also, about fighting.  I seriously was appalled by some of the themes that emerged at that dinner convo.  It seemed like fighting was encouraged and is victorious.  Beating someone up is a failure, moreso than getting beat up.  There’s a few things you don’t know (like the tony robins event) and another where I saw mom after of getting beat up.  My martial arts is useless in self-protection because it was all katas and more dance.  But more importantly if it was useful, I would never want to use it. People that talk about fighting with any sense of satisfaction or glee or accomplishment have a serious problem and are in many ways toxic dullards.

The solution for the electricity bill is solar panels, too.


I’ve thought about your question recently.  Why did you ask it?  Did you cheat? Did you feel cheated?  Did you want ot know about me?

Whatever the reason it sparked interesting things!

Namely, I think not defining what kind of relationship people are in is



$25 to what?
Aus radio?

Broadside Captain Dane
The Cell Servant
Deadmines Captain Dan
Beethoven’s 9th
clarinet quartet
Haydn surprise
Oasis – Wonderwall
Cranberries — Dreams!
Pachelbel’s Canon
Concrete Blonde???
Jumping jack flash
Concrete SChoolyard jaurssic 5?
Zero 7 – Waiting line?

Quotes to Blog

Free Coaching cost on site (no prices)

    Classical MUSIC
    Paul Carr BRIT and BIZ
    Frogs into Princes NLP
    Conjuror NLP
    Why sex matters?? MCAT?ANAT?
    Dune FICTION
    Sherlock Holmes FICTION
    Sperm Wars ANAT
    Why sex matters ANAT
    Nancy friday PUA (too arousing though, good before wkf prob. )

Good listening day
AUS Radio
Some math, physiology, and/or music, mary roach

I think I have some form of Wernicke’s aphasia

"""Wernicke’s aphasia speak in long, uninterrupted sentences; however, the words used are frequently unnecessary or even made-up. They have a great deal of difficulty understanding other people’s speech, sometimes to the point of being unable to understand spoken language at all. Reading ability is diminished, and although writing ability is retained, what is written may be abnormal. No physical symptoms, such as the rig"""

How many times do I voluntarily WKF and deliberately do it and know I am?  1/10.  How many times do I do it unwillingly out of an angry urge? 9/10.  I DO masturbate.  It would be good to plan and commit to doing it if I want to, would have less guild, more pleasure, and more control.  This 9/10 times not volunteering it is rubbish.

Tang was used by astronauts.  Reference to astronautics! (RLT rubbish but that dude referenced tang intereisng).

Lie to me triggers all these things that Anger me (it’s probe cult and reason why american t ell is rubbish?!!!)

Pressurized competitive school
MAnipulative image-focused parents.


James was given the stupid fellowship and academic accolade simply to make me (which fortunately has failed) fill shame, inadequacy, insufficiency, and the like.  That’s what biological family excels at: making you feel inadequate. 

In regards to James, I am not going to speak highly o him anymore.  I have always described him as the best and as so successful, but that’s biological family cult script.  I don’t’ believe that.  I don’t’ really like James.  He’s criticized me, my behavior, and has victimized me in the past, making me the scapegoat of a lot psychological family rubbish.  He is not a good friend.  He’s disloyal, he’s unsupportive.  James doesn’t share anything about his personal life.  I’ve wasted a LOT of my life and energy and time and love squandering it trying to befriend that Buffoon.  He is a truly selfish and greedy person.  He really cares little about people . What’s most disgusting in this freakishly true realization is that I worshipped him.  But that worshipping wasn’t me, that was the biological family script, which basically revolves around image and deifying certain members.  It’s really rubbish.



Maybe if I understood how you are able to not be intrusive with F, H, S.  AND understand how mom could still continue to be invasive with that?  Then I could figure out more of what to do or something? 

you can call me a failure, a drain, an idiot, a psychopath, a manic-depressive, a schizo.  Whatever you want.  I don’t care what you think of me, just stop judging me and stop intruding into my health.

Dreamt I was in a play and had to sprint before and was VERY irritable. it was the last day of the play.  I had to get my 3-piece black suit from this costume elevated checkout area.  hartdegan and someone else was there.  I had to shower beforehand and had like 10 minutes.  Tom fort was there getting a costume.  Alex ekman was on the floor sitting (like in a paltry role).  Venetta started singing as a lead role.  Soemone said "yell at them. it’s good" about saying lines to the audience.  and then  I started to wake-up and tried to do lucid dreaming for when went on stage.  cool to hear venetta.  when she started singing kids started giggling and laughing not because it was bad, but because it was good or something. nice.

Hot characteristics
Long hair
Defined Filtrum
Rosy cheeks
High cheekbones
dancers have command of body and emotions, making them very attraction.

FIND Sleight of mouth patterns HUGE.

Would like to do TODAY

Finish Holmes Chapter
Two Jules Verne
idk eat food,

AB: l
apply to self:  
frame size:
complex equivalence:
hierarchy of criteria:
chunk down:
chunk up:  reality strategy:
as-if limiting belief 100% dissolved:


I want to do massive math problems but I DON’t because I’m not absolute cerain that’s what I want.
don’t do barely any of something (evne though smething I VERY mUCH TRST) b/c uncertain if its wat aj
AB:   I did this junior year with chem, b/c I thought it would be too hard
A¬B:   was certain but barely did it, yeah if I was "saving it" b/c liked it
¬AB:  did a lot of it even though wasnt’ cetain; YEAH religion crap, humanities note-taking bullshit crap!
¬A¬B:   did do what I want and was absolute certain..hhmmmmmmwell I ‘m not certain about it now but I was about exercise runnign and did tons of that.
apply to self:  again this is like thinking about doing something if you ahd a tremendous amount of concidence in something food, lifestyle, peopel etc, and you didn’t act on that, that would make you feel pretty pathetic no? yer.
intention:  intention is to "close up" the bullshit stuff i’ve wasted time on which is a lame intention. another hting is math stuff requreis tons of focus which is why I like it
consequence: of diong this is I experience Energy drain of indecision, pain, uncertainty, doubt, and the LOst positive experience of moving forward with that good thing!
hierarchy of criteria:  if you have  a TON of confidence that xyz thing wil make ur life better, isn’t it more important ot plan and massively schedule in stuff for it?
chunk down: you don’t set the time and paper and calculator out and actually do a handful of math problems even though you blab and post "math" reminders around room and have tremendous confidence in the clarity and fulfillment math will bring.
chunk up:  you have something that could be very aligning but you don’t do problems from it on regular basis because you don’t simply clear the table and get paper nad calc!
reality strategy:  this operates from reality you have certainty to do tsomething but you NEVER have 100% (even in most precise science well okay there’s osmetims 100% but 100% certainy is rare like water always will be frozen at 0 K etc.  but certainy is great and I think we’re certain enough.  100% certainty has been rpreq for doing new things and that slows awsome thigns. if you need 100% then approach it iwht 1005 certainty and then know that can change or say trying it out even though not 100% but very hightgreat
evidence: evidence that I have done this is all the "math compilation, thinking of doing math podacst if dopodcast/youtube will ONLY be math, have invested in princeotn reveiw math book, math is big and I’ve only read some of it.
as-if limiting belief 100% dissolved:  I’d do the problems, feel clear, and would have sceudle and would probably look forward to the mental engagement and mind clarity of the puzzles for sure.

running was coping with not having sexual outlet

AB: l
apply to self:  
frame size:
complex equivalence:
hierarchy of criteria:
chunk down:
chunk up:  reality strategy:
as-if limiting belief 100% dissolved:


I want to do massive math problems but I DON’t because I’m not absolute cerain that’s what I want.
don’t do barely any of something (evne though smething I VERY mUCH TRST) b/c uncertain if its wat aj
AB:   I did this junior year with chem, b/c I thought it would be too hard
A¬B:   was certain but barely did it, yeah if I was "saving it" b/c liked it
¬AB:  did a lot of it even though wasnt’ cetain; YEAH religion crap, humanities note-taking bullshit crap!
¬A¬B:   did do what I want and was absolute certain..hhmmmmmmwell I ‘m not certain about it now but I was about exercise runnign and did tons of that.
apply to self:  again this is like thinking about doing something if you ahd a tremendous amount of concidence in something food, lifestyle, peopel etc, and you didn’t act on that, that would make you feel pretty pathetic no? yer.
intention:  intention is to "close up" the bullshit stuff i’ve wasted time on which is a lame intention. another hting is math stuff requreis tons of focus which is why I like it
consequence: of diong this is I experience Energy drain of indecision, pain, uncertainty, doubt, and the LOst positive experience of moving forward with that good thing!
hierarchy of criteria:  if you have  a TON of confidence that xyz thing wil make ur life better, isn’t it more important ot plan and massively schedule in stuff for it?
chunk down: you don’t set the time and paper and calculator out and actually do a handful of math problems even though you blab and post "math" reminders around room and have tremendous confidence in the clarity and fulfillment math will bring.
chunk up:  you have something that could be very aligning but you don’t do problems from it on regular basis because you don’t simply clear the table and get paper nad calc!
reality strategy:  this operates from reality you have certainty to do tsomething but you NEVER have 100% (even in most precise science well okay there’s osmetims 100% but 100% certainy is rare like water always will be frozen at 0 K etc.  but certainy is great and I think we’re certain enough.  100% certainty has been rpreq for doing new things and that slows awsome thigns. if you need 100% then approach it iwht 1005 certainty and then know that can change or say trying it out even though not 100% but very hightgreat
evidence: evidence that I have done this is all the "math compilation, thinking of doing math podacst if dopodcast/youtube will ONLY be math, have invested in princeotn reveiw math book, math is big and I’ve only read some of it.
as-if limiting belief 100% dissolved:  I’d do the problems, feel clear, and would have sceudle and would probably look forward to the mental engagement and mind clarity of the puzzles for sure.

running was coping with not having sexual outlet
AB: l
A¬B: running was coping with HAVING a sexual outlet.  No? no doesn’t’ make sense.
¬AB:  not running is coping with not having a sexual outlet
¬A¬B:   not running s coping with having a sexual outlet? maybe if I had sex and didn’t run?
apply to self:  Is this belief causing you to cope with not having a an outlet for a solution?
intention: is the intention of this belief to get you running or to start having sex or to stop exercise excessively?
consequence: the consequence is I think of exercise as if it wer some kind of toxic cosigning mechanic.
frame size:??
complex equivalence: running subdues sex outlet BUT it REALLy actually galvanizes it!
hierarchy of criteria: if not sex how could not have frustration with sexual outlet.  not sexual emotions, if you had sexua lemons ,no arousal, if you had no sex, emotions ,and arousal, how could not have frsution?
chunk down:
chunk up:  
reality strategy:
as-if limiting belief 100% dissolved:

bioparents have and are sabotaging my career.

I need a career to have LTR with hot griflreind.

Doing Voice Work stimulates my Mind.

AB: l
apply to self:  
frame size:
complex equivalence:
hierarchy of criteria:
chunk down:
chunk up:  reality strategy:
as-if limiting belief 100% dissolved:

Doing voice work DOESn’t stimulate my mind. No, it does. 

Running away, hiding, fleeing, in the MORNING (with light) when around women starting in 2010
OLD disgusting eww bitch (hid upstairs)
Meredith — hid in boiler room
Vanessa -sprinted from her apartment
Emma — sprinted from her Apartment


in the morning I have to run away from women are else will look lazy or weill bad

If I go to sleep next to a woman I will
wake up feeling groggy, have neureis or she will only know the performance mode and sleep puts me in raw energy mode.

TIMES I’ve SLEPT with WOMAN AND Conitneud relation
nanano NO

BELIEF (possibly NOT LIMiting) uplifting. 
if I keep doing voice work I will understand crucial parts of my life.

vid games? IDK

1998 off and on to 2001 spring (ended with track) — 2 years but like once cir a week.
2003 (London and then after biking and at Sea Semester0 ended Spring 2004- 6 monhts
2007 summer to summer 2008 — HEAVILY smoked DISGUSING disturbing fucked up. 

201102Saturday, 19 February 20111:28:54 AM–$

A collection of torrents of 11 books for you to enjoy from the ‘recomended reading’ section on Derren Browns website (link at the bottom).

A mixture of PDF’s and MP3’s and one CHM.

Emotions Revealed – Paul Ekma (PDF)

Mistakes Were Made But Not By Me – Carol Tavris (PDF)

Nudge: Improving Decisions About Health Wealth and Happiness – Richard H Thaler (PDF)

Mind Hacks – Tips & Tricks for Using Your Brain – Tom Stafford (CHM)

Sway: The Irresistible Pull of Irrational Behavior – Rom Brafman (MP3)

Predictably Irrational – Dan Ariely (PDF)

Physics of the Impossible – Michio Kaku (MP3)

The Seven Sins of Memory – Daniel Schacter (PDF)

The Art of Memory – Frances A. Yates (PDF)

The Skeptic’s Dictionary – Robert Todd Carroll (PDF)

What Every BODY is Saying – Joe Navarro (PDF)

My Reading List Recommended
Robert Dilts. Sleight of Mouth.
Bandler and Grinder.  Structure of Magic Vol. 1 and 2.
Dawkins. Greatest Show on Earth.
Hitchens. God is not Great.
Doyle.  The Complete Sherlock Holmes (all 4 novels, and 56 short stories).
Live your Dreams and Let Reality Catch Up.  Ellerton.
Derren Brown.  Tricks of the Mind.
Bryson.  Short History of Nearly Everything.
Oliver Sacks.  Musicophilia.
Pogue.  Classical Music for Dummies.
Tom Brown. Science and Art of Tracking.
SAS Survival Guide.


Combatante and sack of flesh women like that aim to siphon life from men and enslave them to fulfill their own lack of security and confidence.  But what also happens is she wastes her OWN life.  She siphons life form someon because she always needs to be in power, so she’s always in relationships where she’s in power and the other person is  helpless subservient victim. But that ALSO wastes her own life. So SQUANDERS her life feeling like she’s in power when she’s just wasting her life with a boken relationship, wasting the lives and time of two people (herself and her subservient partner).  She thrives on men worshipping her, ejaculating and masturbating to her and I’ve seen her and heard what she says about power.  Combattante is a DISGUSTING putried hollow mess, she really isn’t that much hotter than alvarez but she incomensurately thinks she’s a deity.  Everytime she fallaciously boosts her confidence by having someonw worship her, she distances herself from genuinely building her own confidence and will perpetually be a disgustting, pathetic shame dirty gross infanty baby. There are nice and cuddly cute adult-babies, but Combattante is like the exorcist disgusting life-siphoning loser puerile buffoon who really shouldn’t exist and is a humanity-blackhole producing only wasted time, airhead futilty, and zero progress.

Maya was like that.  MANY women are like that, but not all of them.  Most women just waste and squander time, some are gogeous AND uplifting and fulfilling. Women like combattante (and the herds of cattle women like her) are sacks of flesh, insecure, shallow, feeding off subservience and deadly intelligence and progress in life.  They’re like swampy mucks of anguish and depression. They’re insecrity is masked by their modeling and attemtp to draw attention from others.  They know themselves less than any person and how unconfident they are is nauseating and most of all pathetic.  Sack of flesh women are hollow.  there can be voluptous attractive women who are complete and fulfilling  but combattante and many women like her are empty succubi that are helpless and defeated completely in life and they spend their entife life deluding themselves into thinking they are not defeated, when they are and have been for decades with almost every human interaciton.  Pathetic pieces of putrid fecal matter. 

uplifting women are good.


I like so SENSITIVE. freakishly sensitive like a swimmer.  And so convulsive and like having a SERIOUS seizure PAINFUL problem looking at those disturbing cbt idiot model photos.  From my left side I also look SOOOOOOOOOO much like tmk.  ;So much. I look EXTREMElY sensitive and shrewd too.  I look like a mathematician, really. 

maye I care more about math most and all those fancy jazzy blog ideas are lame.  you don’t see the big scientists (most) at ted.  ted is smart people indeed but also marketers.  i don’t no about marketing.

I look SCARY smart and shrewd and focused.  when doing computer work. WOW WOAh.  but I look ELECTOCUTED looking at those cbt like painf electrocuted like electro-convulsive therapy rubbish.  I look VERY introverted when at computer. I just look EXTREMELY smart and precise and shrewd with glasses and SENSITIVE. 

this is really eye-opening. dang.

i look scary slightly disturbed, but in pain/enraged looking at those photos. dang.  taht wasn’t really acting I don’t think.  Wow.

I don’t know if computers are good for me. Something precise IS.  but maybe that’s just math.  I DO LOOK like hypersensitve person (like that breck hypersenstiviey) like tmk senstiive.  I look SO much like TMK.   I do NOT look like an actor at computer.  When talking I do though sorta??? IDK. 

I feel like doing a reaction to this bollocks.

I look MUCH MUCH more happier and ME using WINDOWS  c’est vrai.

YEAH some clarity on that!!

After doing the run outside and with eyes teary, looked interesting. 

I look like a poser using a mac!! Sipping wine and trying to be all sophisticated or something.

With mac I’m like suffocated, small bouts of scrmaing, with windows I’m just doing what I want scremaing jumping around games, research, nonstop.  Mac isl ike "oooh composed rubbish suffocated, i have a mac BLEH fail".  Windows and ubuntu are best.

I DO like ubuntu. It feels like proper hacking.  sweet.

SO psyched I finished Confessions conjuror.  now I MUST MUST ensure I JUST focus on current reads and not add ANY new books.  I have books from 2007.  4 years overdue. I must finish

That’s a LOT there.

I am acting on mac.  I am being MYSELF on windows standingup. C’est vrai!

I look helpless and bullied on mac dang.  bleh TRAPPED I look.  mac is cult.

I look like a REALLy smart person who NEEDS his mind to focus on something WORTHWHILE (science, math). and I’ve bene waylaid and Utilzied and ENSLAVED and held back and pinioned and exploited by IDIOTS.  My parents have done that.  A LOT.  Others have as well.  SEA allowed me to use my intelligence.  My parents have exploited me a LOT.  Quite seriously.  I look like a person whod’ bee abused.  I am angry at my parent.s  Yes.  That’s obvious.

What do I need?  I need the elimination of people who have exploited me, stealing my intelligence.  I need my mind to focus on something like math WITHOUT discombobulation.  There’s no point in studying math if my mind is going to siphoned by shrinks, biologiacl parents, biofamcult, and other wankers.

I look like a serious mathematician.  But what prevents me from doing math?

What do I WANT to do.  I want to sue tdk and ssk.  (but I would lose).  And win or lose I would never have financial support from them again.  But that would unquestionably sever me from biofam.

What about my stuff (that wouldnt’ be safe because they would destroy it).  that might be okay. 

But the whole point of this is justice for being siphoned and exploited for 10 years.  THEY bioparnets put my life on pause for 10e years.

I care LESS about my ideas being stolen to fuel my parents books than the time I’ve LOST doing blogs, and compuer rubbish and SERVING bioparents and living in fear, and becoming like them, rubbish, when I’ve WANTED to be studying math. 

I DO look like a scientist.  I don’t look like an actor.  I look like angry scientist who’s had infestious, pernicious, suffocating, PARASITIC people thwarting his ability to practice science.  INDEED!

But what’s the benefit of staying part of biofam?  Won’t they just abuse me whenever they want?  Won’t it always be broken? Will I ever get to move forward with my life in presence of biofam??  What is"MOVING FORWARD"?  studying math.  having the piece and the privacy to do so. 

Won’t they interrupt me like they did before??  the scream.


MICHIGAN IS SO MUCH BETTER THAN SANTA BARBARA!!! XD!! but there’s that same train sound weird.

FROM OTHER FILE TDK letter bleh.
Hey dad,
I am a little concerned about what (if anything to say to mom).  The positive, galvanizing effects of you stating (which I still hope is true) that you wouldn’t be invasive with F, H, S were immediate and quite profound.  I mean look how awesome dinner was, and michigan, and the weekend, and doing stuff.  That was great and fun! Don’t you think?  It was directly related to not being invasive with health.  So that’s marvelous….but, I I don’t know what to do about mom.  I feel like she would just "say" Oh sure I won’t mention that, but for good reasons I don’t think she’ll be able to turn that off as easily, so I dont’ really know if I should mention it or just try to ignore what feels like being stomped on when F,H,S gets mentioned.  I know mom cares about me and is a good person but in ways has been freakishly invasive with F, H, S (moreso than others).  I mean you were able to (surprisingly and impressively and astonishingly) change (although you did mention shower once); I guess I’m just doubtful of mom willing to and/or being capable of doing so.  I don’t know what else to say without sounding unnecessarily critical of mom.  I just know the effects of you ceasing that health invasiveness was starkly positive and very encouraging. Actually, the main reason I’m mentinoning this is that I have extremely small amounts of certainty that mom would want and/or be capable of not invading F,H,S.  How could she?  It has been on full throttle for so long.  Everyt time I talk to her she mentions meds.  You did that maybe 1 out of 20 times.  So I’m sort of clueless on what to do about that.  You don’t have to have any insights.  I just don’t want to mention it t omom and then she tells you that you have to invasive again.  I really fear that happening because believe it has with other things in the past.  I don’t want this to be a headache.  I guess I can totally live with you not being invasive and mom can do whatever I guess.    I just am not certain what to do about that, but defnitely acknowledge how awesome and clear things seem with you and I.  That was a great weekend.  Glad we did all the things (tree, drink with tommy, perenial, shoveled a bit, so funny that ALL that snow melted! ha!). 

I think the main thing is this: I greatly enjoyd not just not having confliect with you but actaully enjoying the time that weekend, having some laughs and good times (I did think it was funny when I was reluctant to have you take back that garbage back, and the shock of finding the loft at 90 and other things that were funny, like the $20 life insurance plan haha!).  I REALLy enjoyed that.  Did yoU? I did.  And basically I want to not have conflict with mom (but without getting health invaded, too, obviosuly). A TON of the edger appointments were so severely invasive that I felt nauseaus.  A lot of that was orchestrated by mom.  And mom cares A LOT about me (as do you, obviously).  she got groceries every week haha amongst other things So basically I feel like that is a threat to the awesome relationship clarity progress that was really fun over the weekend, which was all a result of non-invasive F, H, S.  Actually, you’ve always been pretty good about not being too invasive; actually awesome most of the time (I think you were apalled by smell earlier).  I have continued showering regularly, by the way.  I think I needed to not be invaded, because now I’m showering.  Maybe that wa a way of creating a "shield" (albeit a gross non-showering one). 

But, I mean, didn’t you feel that weekend was a huge breakthough? In communication and getting along and having a normal (well as normal as possible haha)/good relationship?  I did.  It ahd been SERIOUSLY 5-6 years since you and I had dinner and/or done something together (since CC 2005 I think broadmoor).  Wow.  How was that class?

Anyways, that was awesome. I have no idea about mom; Like that felt like successful relationship stuff (for sure), and it’s almost like I didn’t want ot test luck (even though I don’t belive in luck).; I want to try to secure the good positive stuff that arouse from you not mentioning F,H,S (so that it dosnt’ diminish), though.

More wasps.  About 10-12 in house.  Maybe 2-3 per day.  Strange. 

The snow is CRAZY.  It feels like late spring.  And in a few days forecase seems like it will be winter again!

Have been doing fresh air walk/jogs.  AMAZING for health.  I’m so much clearer, healthier, happier here. Going outside is so rejuvenating.

How is your travel(s)?

HUGE realization.  This is the first time have been in a country-like place that’s not chicago that sort of feels like space since autumn 2009 (when closed up calabasas apartment) woah.

Thomas seems to be enjoying the chem class.  That perenial dinner and dinner with tommy was really fun.  It was also REALLy aweomse just doing random little things in michigan.  I seriously don’t know when just you and I have done that, do yoU?  Why is that? I guess because of different states and timing and most all other people around or travel. Different combination.

being in a differnet fantasy world or something.
Chunk down: moving feet on ground and putting reproductive organ in vagina? or swimming in pool and reproductive or gani n inv agin?
chunk up: exertion both
evidecen usually exercise urge increases in realtion to wkfing or not
as if already dissovled would have healthy, regular sex-life that was fulfiling and pleasurable and safe and rewarding and upliftinga nd not draining.

Not doing voice work stimulates mind. NO, it doesnt’. 

Not doing voice work deosnte’ stime oiej TRUE. 

Does this stimulate your ability to voice your beliefes on this stelisre.  yes it does it conferemis

intention is to create linke woth mental clarit yadn voice work.

if voice didn’t stimulate mind, would I still do it? maybe prob not thaoiteh
  waht vocal vibratiosn, neurons firing in bain dieas from breain fireing with voacla and being

using body and mvoice

it’s NOT a limiting belief!

I’m incapable of getting apaying just thats fulfilling IN the united states.

I can’t stay in a aplace I like (aus, michigan) because I’m so used to being dragged to plaes I don’t like (chicago)

Okay, I AM a coach. That’s what I’m doing.  That’s what I was doing with my books.  That’s what I was doing with that certification.  That’s what I was doing getting acting (for coaching business).  I modeled breck, tony robbins, even some of joel osteen, bandler and grinder.  All that.  I DO NOT like actors, mostly.  they’re clients.  I AM a coach.  My problem was not accepting that.  THAT caused me anguish! SERIOUSLY!   Edger said it was ambitious.  Mo was like what? pffft? a counselor??? and bleh tried to delude me with acting rubbish.  I tried acting and it didnt’ work. I didn’t like it.

I could picture myself having a kid and being a coach (doing seminars, teaching nlp). 

I can’t picture myself not having a paying job having a kdi.  Does totalbiscuit have another paying job?  I don’t know? Maybe taking hte train was metaphor for gaming express?  He had his kid like 4+ years ago I think!  dang He’s awesome and helpful.  my most successful client, also one of my biggest inspirations TOO therefore my most inspring COACH.  TB is like coach and client, but more coach at times nad more client at times. 

I feel clear writing on ubuntu!! TRUE.

What I like about tB

He’s humble, but bold and severely critical.
he’s well known in niche but not fame monger.
durable idk like a raid boss or soething?

I think my preferred class these days would be healer prob.  I like that stat made me happy because it rhymed was 3 min after he posted and was like a coaching thing which is like healing.

But I mean this stuff is just ENERGY.  I can do this forever.  Maybe I’m doing a performance for MICHIGAN???!!! FUCK it feels that way.  How is being out here helping my life?  It’s reminding me I’m a coach…duh I already knew that. 

It’s okay i’m finishign things.  DB’s book for one. FINISHED!! Sweet.

coaching can combine actingnad math and computer science!!!!! 

So I know I’m a coach.
Obstacles to implementing that:
old friends insulting
peers insulting it (like the dog jonathon bailey guy)
like mo insulting it
not making money
not selling it
not having clients
not having seminars
useless business cards that no one uses.
losing focus
living for food/sex

I HAVE been handing out those business cards. TRUE!

THat gps watch is GOOD I had that on that day of cia. TRUE. it REALLY helped with navigation. SWEETNESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

But I have never done a coaching presentation where there were signs and people were ther eto see me (and/or others0 and it was PLANNED>  I might’vebeen too nervous. 

My books got buried under stuff.  how? not getting published. then acting thenvid games then californai RUBBISh bleh fail.  I dislike califonria.  New york I can be successful in. nice. 

the police officers said that that school was good that I tried to teach at, whicho thers said schools I attended but I felt I taught at those. 

taste of lifestyles….seminars, but like dad? bad?  maybe okay for me? want to be doing math?  I wanted to lead costa rica surf trip…etc. 

bandler and grinder reading. 

I( don’t have a woman I can safely wkf to!! nor a man.  But it feels interesting.  brandy robbins was hot.  The yeah.  it’s WEIRD!  that’s not really imporatnt.

ALL THE BAR stuff. the free coaching things. the cross-country. EVErYTHING. dang.  that was me coaching.


Lee Vos May 7, 2010 at 9:23pm Report
Hello John,

Where do I begin? First up you were not rude to me when we spoke when you were here for your visit. So, there is no need at all to have any odd feelings over any of our conversations.

I did pick up very strongly throughout our conversations that there was something missing in your life so I was not judging you in any way at all. You wrote to me so I will be honest with my feelings on my thoughts of your message. We have a very strong family bond in our family and I felt it could have been a long time since you have had that. We all have a great respect for each other but do not live in each others pockets. My daughter actually had a chat to me last week and told me that if she thinks I am angry at her for any reason she feels very unbalanced in her life. Maybe this is not a good thing but the only reason she said it is because I am a very placid person and if I get upset with any one I go very quiet.

Wow I think aussies have so much more interpersonal knowledge.  It’s impressive that you 1)know about your placid tendency and 2)share that.  My parents would never bother talking about that some of my friends (the equiv of one of jon’s friends, although I think jon just thinks of me as a friend through wow or something). My parents are REALLY image focused.  Like they’ll show off something impressive me or my brothers has done or something about their house.  I don’t want to be too hard on them, but they seem overly interest in conspicuous consumerism…where they get houses and material things to show them off.  They do so quite frequently to guests they have.  I dont’ feel that at all at your guys place. Jon showed me stuff but it wasn’t showing it off it was just showing around.

I’ve thought about being too hard and critical on my parents, but they so are on me, to such a degree the ystopped feeling like parents (hence that feleing like it’s an office thing). 

Man, this is really rejuvenating and clarifying, ms. vos.  thanks for taking the time to respond.  Maybe it’s normal aussie "jive" but I consider a lot of what you’re communicating very wise, very accurate, and very helpful.

No one has said to me that I look like I haven’t been aroudn family for awhile (at least that I can recall).  but have a lot of people thought that?  Quite likely.  It’s true. How did I look like I hadn’t been around family for awhile?

This sounds incredibly lame and superficial, but that WoW guild that jon and I (and a few other people) started, I TREATED like family.  Like I loved logging in and seeing what people had discovered in-game and it felt like it did up until I was 16 where my parents and brothers and shared stuff about the day.  I tried to get that back with them but it just didn’t connect.

So I felt a flavor of that family feeling in wow. (that sounds pathetic to some people but it’s true).  So STRANGELY people got addicted to wow because of hte game, but I was so into it because of the vicarious, sometimes real, feeling of family it simulated.  Dang woah!! That’s huge!  I mean the objectives of the actual game were far less interesting than that "family-feel" that I liked so much.  When people started doing other things, the family feel of the game dissipated and I couldn’t figure out what to do with the game.  I tried comedy in north hollywood and acting bu didn’t connect with that area at all nor it’s people. 

I’ve tried a million "sit-downs" with my parents trying to communicate how meaningful family getting along and together is…those days jsut seem long gone.  We feel like different species.

I’ve noticed if I feel emotionally abused/bullied by them and I stand up then they seem to respect me more. I dont’ think this is a hurt/heal game…but maybe they just wanted me to defend myself?  Whatever it is yeah didn’t feel like family.  It’s odd How despite a lot of shrinks my parents made me see No one really has seemed to acknowledge all of this.  I think maybe since my parents were paying the tab (and forcing me to go) they assumed my parents care about me?  I nsome wasy they DO TRUE. but in some ways, it just hasn’t felt like family in 10 years.  I’m repeating myself on that so will move on.  I also tried focusing on all the good things they did and pretending things were "fixed and okay" that made things worse at times. 

One english professor at college when I asked him something he said "I think your parnets messed you up". I defended them but have thought about that at lot.  In small ways it may be true.  Everyone’s parents I think scars and also improves the lives of their kids, just in often unforeseeable and varying amounts/doses!

>>>>is usually over something very trivial if it ever happens as we are not a family who fights. My daughter also said that is one of the things she loves about me most as well as I don’t say hurtful things in a moment of anger. We only get one mother and one father in our lives and if that relationship is not going well for you then my belief is that you are not happy with the rest of your life.

Bollocks!! I hope that isn’t fully true. I feel closer with my dad.  My dad feels more maternal.  My mom is icy and I feel like she cares, but has been veyr discombobulating. I think you’re right though.  My relationship with parents has been unquestionably over fluctuant compatibilty and sometimes not getting along at all.  I think poeple can move on though.  Some peole have step-parents and whatnot.

>>>>piness comes from within and if it is not there then there is no material matter in the world that will change that feeling. I am certainly no expert in this matter and I am far from perfect but what we do works very well for us. I have certainly read many self help books along the way when I have had my down moments (we all have those) and the answer is usually something so very simple that we would never think of. I have clicked into a Dr. John Demartini sight on my facebook and I receive a lot of daily quotes which are so helpful whether you are down or not.

He thanks that name sounds familiar.  I ahve actually written some self-help books (and read TONS). I’m getting my life-coaching certificaiton which revolves a lot around them.  One way I validate troubled times iwth my parents is that I say "they were just testing me trying to give me a hard time so I’d grow stronger or something"  but that isn’t always true. Often hard times occured because people didnt’ get along, were selfish, were impatient, didn’t handle things the best way etc.

I told you when you were here that I had visited America twice and that the biggest thing I noticed both times is how different we Aussies are to you. I found Americans so busy and on the go.

YEAH!  I think americans are very hollow.  I’m critical of most americans.  This rural area where I am now seems more like australia and less hollow sort of.  I think americans focus on all the wrong things (material wealth and stuff).  I am POSITIVE (And I said this to wow friends) that beliefs in australia are healthier and better.  Personally, I think america has been a sinking ship for awhile. I don’t feel safe in it.  I am haunted by people’s wayward and intoxicatingly beliefs infecting my life.  If you believe for example that you’re supposed to devote a large portion of your life to buy a fancy car…(which I think is idiotic and is not my dream at all), if you do that and it’s not aligned with you that’s a large amount of time of your life.  So yeah, I sort of feel like I’ve been trying to get around people with safe beliefs, all while writing books nad this certification and career.

just stood out so much to me and my family. I was lucky enough to meet some of the people and I still message them after all this time.

That’s awesome you stay in contact with them and made those (I think highly accurate) observations.  Although many people are "on the go" in big cities, including sydney.  However, sydney seemed more relaxed and cleaner than some cities (paris seemed dinghy in some parts but also like it had some good age to it). 

I started crying in the airport before boarding hte flight from paris back ot hte states.  I had planned to be out of the states all of 2010 (it was may).  I find it a very scary country (usa). but I ran out of money, my relatives kept trying to convince to go to the states despite how unsafe it felt and my parents were going to pull the plug on the finaces they had helped me with off and on.  If I could have afforded it I unquestionably would have stayed out of the states.  Right now, I’m not doing anything unless career/residence is setup first. 

We had a chat about how they were brought up to be successful in life and it was so intense.

hhmm!! that sounds like me!!! Maybe I decided to "downshift" I think i Did. thinking it led to a better overall life many years ago. Not slacking off, just different beliefs.  Coaching talks about that.

hOf course we have the same ideals in Aussie but without so much pressure. As long as people have jobs and are good people we are very happy with that.

Yeah that’s simple but occam’s razor; simplicity works.

What I can’t do though is keep yearning to be in some place (like aus) if I can’t afford to get there nad can’t find work there).  Other people seem to be able to move to countries with the easiest time.  It seems sooooo challenging for me.  People seem to pop up and make things difficult at times and then I lose bearings of what I was trying to do.

I can send some of my books or chapters if you want? Not sure if you’d be interested. 

I guess what I am trying to say is that I found that the people I spoke to felt they were letting their families down if they did not come up to their expectations and I believe that is very wrong.
YEAH!!! WOW I feel like that.  For example, My middle brother I rarely see. He’s alwasy off seemingly doing something impressive that my parents tell people about.  It’s like his success is their success and they flant it.  They also mention it to me in a way with an insinuation of "look at all the things your brother is doing, you failure", but then when I’m doing tons of things, I’m sure they insinuate "look at all the things your brother is doing, you failure" to one of my brothers. It’s DEFINITELY NOT THAT harsh, but it feels osmething like that attimes. It’s hard to notice that.  Ibarely do.  I don’t know if my brothers are aware that they seem kind of in competition with each other.

Here’s evidednce of that.  I’ve wanted to do a hiking/camping trip with my two brothers since 2004.  We’ve done similar trips on our own or with groups and are all in good shape, but we haven’t done it.  It’s like my parents raised us to be in competition with each other instead of just being brothers.  I don’t even talk with my brothers about girlfriends (even though I’ve tried like heck).  That seemed normal to me but they don’t want ot have any part of that.

I think I realized all this 10 years ago and didn’t like it, buy into it, nor agree with it.  I’ve been kind of discovering my own beliefs since then while off and on starving for family. etc.

I think I come across as "too nice" at times because I am selective about beliefs but had that starving for family thing.

One thing that personally gets me in america is religion.  I won’t go into to much detail about it because that’s usually a charged topic with people, but in america it’s the worst.  It’s just like infectious.

Wow this is SO illumiinating, because you made me realize that being successful in career does NOT equal necessarily success in life. So true! I think because aussies focus on just good people nad job that they’re more "life winners" in australia than america. There’s good people who focus on good things in life in america, but you’re right, most of them are focusing on career a ton.


As parents, we do not own our children. They should be able to have their own hopes and dreams and if they are different to ours then …too bad.

I’ve been paranoid as to if my own parents are allowing me to do that.  They SAY "you can do whatever you want" all the time, but I think they have had an agenda for awhile.  When my youngest brother  (I thought this was GREAT) said he was going med track my dad told and shook his head and said it with astonishment.  I don’t know what they wanted us to be, but it certainly seems like they had told us we could do whatever but then tried to shape us into doing something else.  That has been scary for me.  A lot of the books I wrote were for me and my own doing, but some things I’ve done were out of my parent’s influence.  Brainwashing children to get them to do what they want is almsot criminal I think. 

I don’t know if you have ever heard the saying…the little man in your head….it is just your mind working overtime…well I can see yours is in overdrive.

It’s like permanently in overdrive.  True!!

But I’ve been harsh about family.  It’s just been my dad and the past two months and that’s been really awesome.

We all have it and it is the hardest thing to calm down…but life is very very different when you can master this…only your thoughts can hurt you, not the people you are thinking about.

yeah that’s true!! I’ve been rading some books (and writing a tiny bit) about anger, shame, guilt.

yeahid a lot of yoga years ago and that is where I learnt so much. (on the thinking side as well as the exercise.

Do you feel like you are constantly running from something when you feel like you have to leave USA? You are very young and it is great to travel so maybe you are not.

YES.  Tried to communicate that.  Someone pointed out that usa is a big place (it is).  I felt the west coast was a trap of scams.  I condemned the whole country.  Sometimes it’s good to discard something that will just cause problems, but there might be some okay places in the states. Seems like there should be.
I just made that "family connection ‘from the game with australia and it stuck.  I also learned australia words in the 2nd grade I don’t know, some people there are awesom.

I do not know your family situation John, but I never believe it is too late for any thing in life. As long as you are alive there is always hope.

Well, I don’t like hoping too much.  That induces too much waiting.  But bieng intelligence and clear nad focused and energized is great.  I have done so much therapy with parents.  I don’t hope for thigns to be "fixed" any more.  I just hope that I can have the connections, privacy, resources, career, friends, to get that career/family/friends thing.

I hope that you can find a way to have that loving relationship with your family so that you can move forward in your life…you are still very young and have so much to look forward to..

Yeah, I feel like I’ve had fragments of that definitely (in parts) wiht my dad.  Just myd dad and I without brothers’ competition or my mom who seems a little image-focused ahs been really good. My dad’s REALLY REALLY patient and I respect that.  It gets overwhelming when lots of family are around simultaneously.

All I’ve been doing is trying to make peace with my family.  I don’t know anyone who’s been so focused on that. seriously. I’ve been doing that for years.  What am I tryint to say? That I don’t do that anymor9e? No, but being like "let’s all get along" is useless too.  just moving on, being respectful of myself, my beliefs, and my biofamily is all good (even if there are differences, and there should be really) with that.

I also think I’m kind of maybe tiny different/doing my own thing. 


Thanks! this was very rambly and long.  I was realizing a lot of things, fearful of sounding to critical of my biofam (they really are GREAT fantastic people at times and I have shared some AMAZING great memories with them).  most of those were quite awhile ago, but there have been some recent great memories. LIke at thanksgiving (kind of australia day in usa maybe?) we all watched a home video of when we got this ATV in michigan and bumped it into a tree, we were all laughing hysterically. 

I also am VERY VERY hard on myself about things/career/life everything, which creates stress and everything.

One thing I’ve thought about: Jon asked "Phil, what do you do after you’ve had a hard week of work…like when you get home..to relax". and I like couldn’t understand that.  I feel like I am always working, but sometimes work is play.  Sometimes that play is great, sometimes it’s intense.  Sometimes that’s good sometimes bad and stressful! Sometiems great,.  I think successful people often don’t differentiate between work and play. so sometimes that makes me feel successful, sometimes drained, sometimes overwhelmed, sometimes doing great.


LEE VOS Response

Last note. 10 years ago, when things went crazy with biofam.  I really commit to acting, and changed a ton of things in my life.  I think it was then that I really decided (at 16) that I wanted to be a lifecoach (after this seminar) and have spent a REALLY long time pursuing that with experiences and people and writing and training and ups and downs and challenges and breakthroughs.  I don’t know if i’m doing acting, lifecoaching, authoring, teaching math or what.  But lifecoaching has certainly been a very strong pursuit at times.  I think that "knowing what you want to do" didn’t really occur to me before that and it jolted things.  I dont’ think it was handled well by my parents at all.    I feel like I don’t know who my biological p arents are at times.  I mean how could they be my actual biological parents, I’ve asked?  Sometimes I feel that’s true, sometimes not.  Anyways.  This is WAY overkill on excessively long. 

Travel Country Can’t Always Do that.
Countries are bizarre.  One thing I learned is that I can’t get into any country I want. Britain didn’t let me in 4 times in 2010 (they didn’t give me a refund on eurostar either).  Maybe that’s more of a lesson in image (for customs), but still it’s true.  So if I CAN’T like MAY NOT go to certain countries, dreaming about living there is a waste, I should make do where I am.  I mean aussies have great beliefs and you’re right americans are success obsessed.  But maybe americans think that aussies are "lazy"?? I dont’ know really.  I’ve traveled so much I ffeel like I’m from many countries in part.  What’s interesting is I see very few americans in aus and few aussies in america.  That’s interesting.  They’re about hte same size country geographcially and about hte same age.

HUGE BREAKTHROGH with my biodad this last week.
My dad kept asking about my health and being invasive about helath (even though I trained myself to run marathons). I put my foot down and "erupted" but in a tactful way but made him see that he was doing more harm than good being so invasive about health.  When he said he let me focus on my own health and let that be private, we had an amazing weekend (we did like yardwork in michigan and took in the christmas tree and shoveled and chore stuff but had some great talks and we got along and it felt REALLY REALLY good. All that because I said that they ahd to get ouf my health.  And hearing him say that he would respect that, made me feel really galvanized and had some great times (not outrageously fun, but getting along and quality).

He looks like an english professor from college!  I think he was featured in "The secret". In life coach certification training people from that film were brought up quite a bit.  I thought it was WAY over-rated.  Simply kind of a repackaged "golden rule" film.  The main message I got from the secret was marketing.  Many films have a similar messgage (focus on a goal in a mindful way to ensure its fruition) but the Secret "sold and marketed" that so much better. 

But I’m doing an outpouring of thougths nad emotions. I think I trust australians in part.  Maybe I WILL move there.  Maybe I’ll stay in chicago or in michigan? I dont’ know.  But whatever I may/can only do it’s best to make that work best.


just found this rummaging through an old drawer of room in which I spend some of my fondest childhood summers in Michigan.  It was a valentine’s card from my dad to me.  I must’ve been about 11? (12? 13? Hopefully not 14 or older!) judging by my writing.  What’s funny is This list was for me!  I was the recipient of the card and then kind of in the margin I guess I simply just jotted down my little checklist

Joys of Life
1.  Eating Butter Popcorn
2.  Giving Presents
3.  Chicken Noodle Soup
4.  A good mystery book
5.  Building Snow Igloos
6.  Hide and Go Seek
7.  Baking stuff and not really eating it.

Commentary (at least a dozen years later).
1.  I laughed hysterical that this was my number one joy in life!  It STILL does stand as something I really like.  These days I would never think of listing it as a joy, but hey, maybe with the right amount of salt and butter it still is.  What’s funny is I had popcorn earlier today before discovering this.  So far 1 for 1!

2.  Ahh…touching.  The timeless art of generosity.  Quite an upgrade in "maturity" some might say from my hedonistic buttery appetite craving of the palate from #1.  But hey, compared to buttered popcorn?  Even giving for the sake of giving can only take second at best!  Just the sequence of those is hysterical.  How this noble and humanitarian great value "giving" takes second to popcorn.  haha!! That’s briliant!

3.  Does not stand.  Vegetarian.  Soup I still like quite a lot, but number three isn’t on the list of the "Joys of Life".  Of life!! Wow…butter popcorn. dang!

4.  I am in the process of reading all of Doyle’s (56) short stories and read his (4) novels.  Considering that he invented arguably the best mystery detective that ever lived; I’d say this one certainly still stands!  This is amazing.  When I was 10 (*cough* please not older than 13!) and wrote this there was no way I consciously and deliberately told myself to follow-through and guided my actions to accomplish what I deemed joyful.  I guess I had good scope of what would last.  Maybe I’m shocked that I still actually think some of those are joys in life.  Maybe on a more profoundly nostalgic and illuminating level, I merely am shocekd that I took the time to write a "Joys of Life" list.  What a remarkably aligning thing to do!  Especially when you take out said list ove a decade in the future and see you have followed-through with many of your joys!  Excellent.

5.  Hhhmmm shoveling snow has always given an exciting rush, with the brisk ruddiness in the face, coupled with the chill outside.  During the Snowmageddon in Chicago just in February 2011, I was up at quarter to 5 shoveling.  Now I don’t normally shovel like that and it was a big meteorological event, which was exciting, and I haven’t built a snow fort (unfortunately) since about the time of originally writing my now sanctified Joys of Life list.

6.  Hide and Go seek.  Okay, I haven’t played this that much recently.  But it’s still a fun game and I recall great fun on the school playground and/or with my brothers playing this game.  Usually it would never go as planned and someone would stay hidden to long or look too early or hide in an out of bounds spot or all of those great youthful

7.  Baking stuff and not really eating it.  This one really got me.  In the past three days I’ve cooked some mexican bean and rice dish, an elaborate risotto dish, and an asian tofu pepper teriyaki dish. The asian dish I wolfed down and it was nourishing and great, but the other dishes were things I cooked and they took awhile but I had a few bites and stored the meal!  I still do that highly idiosyncratic habit!  I guess I like chopping up ingredients, focusing on something else, cooking them, combining, and presto! a spiced, fusion meal.  But I remember mentally noting that I didn’t really eat some of the dishes.  It was like I liked the chemistry and the time-based procedures of cooking.  I would never have acknowledged that as a joy! The fact that I recognized it as a joy is astounding.  My self over 10 years younger than me was much more in touch with what I like and dislike and indeed what I consider joyful!

At first,  I thought I would be mocking and laughing at my own immaturity but instead something else as occurred:

1)I’m shocked at how well I knew my interests.  To this day some of those joys are nice little joys a dozen plus years in the future.  Do you think your younger self knows your present self as well?  Or prsent self will be as congruent with future self joys?

2)I’m pretty grateful that I like and am accepting of my joys.  Some are cute, bordering embarassment, but none are just mortifying. 

3).I think this is actually a pretty dang amazing list.  What would I put on it today?  Stop global warming?  Protect aquatic and rainforest life?  Those are goals or achievements, but joys?  Causes for jubilation, yes.  But joys?  What exactly IS a joy?  Is a joy something that we can have access to when we want (like a mystery book?) or are joys intrinsically out of reach.  If joys were rare, wouldn’t they be ecstacies or rare gems?  I think there’s a modicum of accessibility with a "joy".  Thus I stand completely and utterly aghast at my remarkably youthful ingenuity.  My brain today would stumble and get caught up with goals and scientific breakthroughs and maybe altruism and big solutions, but those are future changes or achievements. 

4) #3 Made me realize quite dumbfoundedly that I have lost touch with what "a joy" is.  My younger self, over half my junior, reminded me of that important "skill" (is knowing what a joys are a skill?) or intrinsically-aligning definition.  The significance of Childhood voice is something I’ve written and spoke about ad infinitum in my books LINK and blogs and podcasts.

I can now add a #8 to my list:

8) Finding an old Joys of Life list from over a decade ago!

JOhn kcuzmarski is a Blah blah alh

2/22/2011___3:27:31 PM##
DB Enigma notes

Clever how he gets photos of them and then ridicules for humor, playfully. BRILLIANT.

so funny about eyes-closed photo while masturbating lol.

BOLD. TB like!

——————————————————————- 3/4/2011___9:38:55 PM## Dreamdreamdreamt did mile run.  nick smith kept taunting me and I like left/pushed him in the bushes. zack and bret were clsoe and at turns they crawled and did stretches and then somoene said ‘escalaate’ and sprinted last 100. Some parts I was crawling and making a line in the sand/gravel track path.  really weird!


Slept 12 hours.  No food.  Feel refreshed, less angry, but irritated I slept so much.  SOOO far out of the 2-6 hrs per day ideal range. 

I have uncle bens, a risotto, fettucine, v8, frozen veggies, salad, an okay amount of food actually.  Actually pretty scarce.  Biggest problem has been not having protien powder, am down to last drop today.  Bollocks.

Drinking v8 seems very clarifying and rejuvenating.

re Vids.  I’m fearful of something from OneManShowShow going viral and wanting it on another channel but I can’t switch channels as will lose the views.



Watching stir of echoes is bad.  b/c it frames me (trapped) as trying ot be like a kevin bacon and then random people in chicago are messed up (Anais EWWW) DISGUSTING PUTRID.  When what I want is
vid games
bear grylls clriyt etc.

That kind of weird possession stuff felt like happened with painting rubies.

This movie was obsessed with the future. future-telling, predictions etc.
It had a big impact on me, I think.

I KNOW I need to move, but not sure where/how/etc.

Disclaimer: Although its intention is to be uplifting, this stuff is pretty heavy.

Think about this: This may sound morose, but as you allow this idea to bounce around in your mind, simply accept that this second
and this second
is one less second you have to left to live.  If you’re life is a 60 minute "movie", each second puts you with 59:59 left and then 59:58.  Our mortality and sentient finitude is obvious, known, and factual, but is it utilized for momentum and even motivation?

Most people think about death in a depressed state or with morose and depressing thoughts, but it’s inevitable.  Death is a part of life.  I think most people simply blind themselves to that fact until it’s close to upon them. Is that healthY/  Certainly obsessing about one’s imminent death  is unproductive and morose because one ends up worrying about death instead of living and enjoying and thriving in life. 

But can awareness that each second our life span actually "shortens", be used in a motivating way?


There are a lot of films these days about altered time, altered reality, and altered identity.  Most of the "new genre", "new theme" films are entering that territory.  Regardless of the quality of the film (many of these I have not and never will see, but they are examples):
Inception (2010)– entering dreams
Source code (2011) – entering the identity of another person
Avatar (2009) — living via the avatar of another entity
Gamer (2009) — controlling someone via a game avatar
The Jacket (2005) — time-travel guised as a psychological thriller, entering identity of future and past selves
Vanilla Sky (2001) — much older but this same type of genre slightly or maybe this just appears to be that same type of genre; virtual life lived out unconsciously.

There’s been a surge of these types of films.  This is interesting from an NLP point of view.  They’re very cerebral films.  There will always be documentaries, films that retell history (Apollo 13, Titanic), but what will the "action" film be like in a decade.  It certainly seems (fortunately) the "action" film cliche of guns, blood, shooting, slashing, and physical fighting is severely waning (this is fantastic) and the new action film is being consumed by these cerebral-identity films.  These films require a person to look at the world very differently.  It’s not some guy killing and shooting things; instead, often the protagonist is a hero who traverses territory of the mind, has interpersonal discovery, self-realizations, and epiphanies, and grows as an individual.  The new "action" film is not a gun-toting buff moron who "gets the girl in the end (well the cerebral protagonist still may "get the girl"); instead "the mind" has entered the genre of "action" and it’s great that it has a prominent role.

Hypnosis: A Primer

I will be starting a hypnosis category of this blog, so this is the first of many posts on the subject. 

Interesting Hypnosis Film to Watch: Stir of Echoes.

Why: In the film
a "Theatre of Mind" walkthrough is utilized.  This is crucial to timeline therapy. 
Post-hypnotic suggestions are used. 
The awakening of the mind to altered perspectives occurs. 

In a synopsis, one could surmise the movie as "After undergoing a hypnotic suggestion, a person experiences the world differently and has visual and auditory hallucinations based on powers of awareness opened up by the hypnosis".  I doubt most people would surmise the movie like that, but it is a plausible and understandable summary.  The film’s genre is psychological thriller/horor, so it’s pretty suspenseful.  I usually do not condone hollywood films (because of their inherent destructiveness and brainwashing), but I’ve known about this film for a decade and enjoyed it before I even became consciously engaged with hypnosis and NLP and now after studying that on a different level, rewatching it is amusing and interesting.  Obviously, the "powers" that are awakened after the protagonist is hypnotized are undesirable and supernaturally far-fetched and implausible, but it’s a movie about the effects of a hypnotic session (in a sense), making it relevant.


Shrinkink shrinkyshrink
feel betrayed by biofam etc

I have a lot of anger against james.
it’s warranted, but unhelpful.
source, Anger about katherine sein. HUGE. 
caused me ot run excessively to "prove".
caused inadequacy.
I was excessively nice.
Be deliberately neutral or toxic to him.
blocked him from Facebook for a good reason.
    blaming me
    turning biofam against me
    JSK is my nemesis.
    I’ve always hated him. this is true. 
get in touch with your hatred for james, it will be clarifying and allow you to be clear about other ears of life.
Called when I had sex with that woman in romanian voice "deceit".
James IS a True bona fide WANKER.
James has caused disruption in life.
In many ways JSK is the most toxic biofam member.
This IS liberating

This episode is a LOT like paper hearts files but instead of supernatural, lie dectiaotn.

Maybe this show kept people interested the show by having a common enemy and showing lighten as weak (in one scenario out of tons) to show character depth.

They’re creating this discrepancy, which adds complexity to the character of lighten.  really smart for the series.

So then the outcome message is that the team is stronger than the dude. nice.

that’s a REALLY crazy script because it
2)teaches something useful

stages of mentor-protege and deceit detection AND that metaphor for the exceeding mentor of lighten AND of the rapist.  Double graduation of protegeo WOAH.  that is a LAYERED script.  Impressiv.e highly impressive.

And then the result is that it makes lighten seem more skilled hhmm

they really should show his weakness. it will lbe a "lie dedetco contest " which has no dephtj.\



Samuel Baum, screenwriter
mekhi fifer, actor (8mile lie to me)
bacon, philly.

New york is serious.  california is comedy.  maybe.  I am interested in new york. drama makes fun of comedy. comedy makes fun of drama.



How was Fiji?  Six-day trip?  Did you have an agenda of what to see?

I love thee!!!! :D.   No really
I’ve scrutinized this.  I have saved letters from girlfriends from highschool and college and all kinds of relationships
and after scrutinizing my past relationships and whom I trust and have trusted, I know and understand I love thee!! True.  C’est vary. 

So this is what confuses me.

Why was I such an obnoxious wanker when we met up in brassy?  You took me out to dinner and I kept using my laptop.  I was bloody fucking rude!

True. Brutally true.  That’s what I’m being.

And I know you were at the very least moderately interested in me (this was a LONG time ago at our ages, though) because you kept commentating on how people hit on you (at the library or wherever) or cat called you.  Which actually kind of angered me, but not in a jealous way, in a protective way.  (if you don’t recall, you mentioned that betwixt mentioning your bro’s saving up to buy a car, crashing it, and then doing drugs.  Interesting, because your brother is a good bloke.  But I had too many books and too much fear about what would happen next in my life and I didn’t trust you then.)

Here’s the crazy thing: I don’t know how much I trust you now. 

I know you’re physically gorgeous (duh! that’s like 0% questionable unfortunately).  But that’s slightly negligible honestly.

At this point in my life I’m calculative.  I don’t know if the library burning tree extinguishing was true or not (probe not..okay yeah I don’t believe you extinguish a library burning tree at all), but something about me really trusts you on a really DEEP level.  That’s weird and scary for me. 

By the way, you can interpret this (obviously) merely as a compliment (even  though suggesting that you do so could easily be evidence of haughty arrogance on my part "any woman I trust; that should be a compliment" brutally arrogant.


Maybe I believe you can help me get aligned with career. 

But maybe it’s as simple as

1) You’re beautiful.
2) I trust you (after a REMARKABLY and frighteningly small amount of trust evidence
this needs serious elaboration).

2*Okay.  Afetr going to aus for the first time and meeting that friend (and you) I figured out what to do in the states for a few months and decided to sell/discard from apartment and then just starter massive travel.  I did europe and made it back to aus.  I’m convinced the major reason for my serious conviction and acceptance of "aus as the home", "aus as the place for future" was meeting Lindy.  True.  I’ve scrutinized my actions.  RIGHT when I arrived in brisbane city I called you.  That’s exactly what was going on .  But it wasn’t just horniness (I’ve met with women out of physical reasons).  This was something BIG.  Like I trusted you as a woman.  I already mentioned that (main chick, side chick, and then mother, and that you would be a MOM) which is frankly NOT a bloody good pickup line at all (it’s too serious, it’s not relaxed, it’s overbearing). 

So I could say, "Hey aren’t you attracted?  isn’t that a walloping impressive compliment?!!"

But that seems highly trivial and irrelevant.  What I feel like asking is " What do I do about that?"


Men hit on you.  I know (I couldn’t imagine men not doing so, unless they’re blind, moronic,married, or have poor tastes
okay that was a little
compliment, but true).   I know you’re attractive. YOU (should) know you’re attractive.  But the main thing is part of my brain (a very LARGE part) of my brain (NOT my dick) is like "woah" Lindy would be a good wife/mom. 

I’ve been with women who talk to me about marriage and the concept of that disgusts me.

So how disorientating can you imagine it being when I envision a person and my mind connotes "Mom/trustworthy/long-term relationship"???

Basicially I’m really unnerved (huge understatement) by my trustworthy reaction to you. 

Do you get a LOT of guys sending you letters/emails/messages/phonecalls to you like this?

Seriously.  DO YOU?  I wouldn’t be surprised.   Seriously, DO YOU?  Be honest.  I don’t understand why/how i feel that way and can’t discern if you’re just good at entrancing men (on a very deep level — marital, long-term relationship idea stuff after meeting a dude on a train for like 50 minutes is pretty entrancing
) whether it be just your nature or intentional or whatever. 

But after staying at your place, I just sat at the Wynnym train station for the entire day.  (for like 6-8 hours).  I realized I was clueless of what to do and where to go.  THAT made me realize (much to my surprise) that much of my plan in aus revolved around simply/merely interacting with you.  I still am clueless on how and why I felt that strongly.

sure I went otause because I believed aussies had better beliefs and I liked my mate and a few other people. 

But selling EVERYTHING in the states (car, apartment, dog, pet, a lot of belongings, everything) with the primary motivation and galvanization being this subconscious belief that aus is the place for me and you’re significant in my life is
.pretty fucking extreme.

I guess you could say I’m deranged and psychotic.


Truly and authentically in love with you.


Genuinely and seriously duped by your coyness.

How could it be ANYTHING other than that from a PURELY logical, reasonable, rational point of view??

Maybe I trusted and liked you as some sister I never had?  But I’m shaking my head at that. 

Maybe you just thought of my as a joke.  I’m kind of nodding at that.  Maybe you did.  Which would be the #3 scenario.  But not knowing is odd.  I guess it’s a probably a bit of all three in a tiny bit. d

think one thing I’m most freaked out by is this seemingly ‘random’ (woman from other country? but maybe I feel more at hoem in uk aus).on a very serious life-changing level.

I’ve thought about this and I think you just be an expert seductress appealing to my gullbility and/or hitting my hot/attraction’trust/loyalty triggers or anchors.  That makes the most sense.  That’s the least sensationalized, the most depressing but the most believable situation.

Oh wait, I just thought of a 4th situation.  I was lonely, liked aussies, trusted you, genuinely (on many many levels personality, emotions, physically, friendship loyality-belief-trust), and fabricated things about you possibly (?).

Maybe I am seeking someone in my life to trust?  It feels good to trust, to love another group of people or person.  Yeah, it feels obscenely wretched to be betrayed but it feels amazing and liberating to trust a person.

Anyways,  pretty sure I was an utter fucking wanker
1) at your place.  I didn’t shower.  I smelled like a fucking turd I’m sure.
2) when me up in brissy.  The same "olfactory situation" aside, I was rude by using my laptop. I guess I did so, though, because of fear of how strongly I felt for ya.  I mean if you don’t have any sisters (only brothers) and you begin to think that you think about visiting/moving to a country your second time visiting them because of someone of the opposite sex…well that whole thing is a bit alarming, overwhelming, but fucking scary and disruptive.  

I think I’m just a random guy that you notch up as attracted to you.  I don’t much but about you (not even last name nor parents or whatever, nor if I trust you on some levels true1, but on some level more profound that purely sexual Itrust(ed) you on some freakishly long-term level that wa unprecednt, jolting, and prettyh scary). 

Do you get that?  lol . I sort of do haha!

So what I'[m trying to figure out in my rationalizing/survival mind is "is this woman succesfully putting a spell on me" or am I out of my bloody mind.  I like to think it’s primarily the former, but I know it’s both.

When I was at your place I picked up your brother’s protectiveness.  He was testing me.  (for what? to make sure I wasn’t a wierdo…which is understandable).  But you took ME out to dinner and had books (maybe those were random?) form the library that we’re pretty interesting.  anyways,  I bloody liked you!  Enough to make me feel certainty about selling a lot of stuff in the states and going to australia (obviously I didn’t realize the impact you had nor what to do exactly in australia).  You mentioned you had tickets to a play.  My junior year in highscool (autumn of 2000). I told my dirctor of acting company that "I want to act’ adn then switched schools for acting, dropped soccer (which I LOVED. bloody LOVED….prob may more than acting).  Way more…WAaayy more. But acting is interest. Anyways you made me think of that again.  I need a career and a team, a professional team in a country I like.  Maybe I envisioned that at QPAC or in aus or in uk.  I don’t know! But I know you’r tied up with somethign serious in my future visions of life. 

And I have NEVER had a vision of marrying a woman or having a woman being a "mom’. That shit freaks me out, to be blunt and veyr non-eloquent, but I thought about that with you! (No, I’m not stalking you,…I’m just basically expressing and sharing being flabbergasted at my reaction).  Do you have this spell on others? SeriouslY/

Anyways…don’t know what else to say (did you expect or are you used to me saying things like this?)????/

This sounds victimized, but you were gernerous.  Maybe you’re too young. Maybe I’m WAY to naive or inexperienced? Maybe I’m totally in love with you?  And I HAVE been in love before and know it’s ridiculous and idiotic. 

Anyways, cheers.  I feel so pathetic and bloody dumb for not being more focused when I met with you last (in brissy, when I was genuinely being a rude wanker focused on my computer).  I wsa doing computer stuff at the time, but still…myh computer is a hunk of metal I always have access to you…..you’re Lindy form Australia whom I’ve seen twice in my life.  It feels like this is chessy but, snorkeling in some rare body of water (and no, that’s not necessarily a sexual reference) or swimming laps in a pool. 

Anyways, do you get other guys that respond to you this way (with like "woah…mom" references)???  I guess I’ll never know.  But I do know I felt strongly enoguh to sell stuff in one coutnry and move to another country becuase I met someon like you. haha!! Wow.  That’s disturbingly serious.  But I didn’t know I thought that when I saw you (for the second time, my seond time in aus).  I guess a part of my brain msut’ve bene like "procration!" "lindy=trust" sell everything in this country move to other country.  I didn’t know I thought that seriously though.  If I DID, I doubt I would’ve lasted TWO (generous) days at your apartment (would’ve been too nervous). 

This may just sound like confused ramblings but I’m trying to be as truthful with myself as a I can.
TL:DR: A part of my brain trusted you so much out of an edtraordinarlily succinct meeting that I thought you’d be a good bloody "mom".  Thiis is disturbing because I don’t recall Ever (seriously) considering a woman a man.  That freaked me out.

So a subconscious question I keep asking myself is "Is this just rubbish fueled by my desire to feel enamored with someone and someplace?" or " something freakishgly serious which I feel helpless to deal with?".  My cluelessness to that is….well…pretty disturbing. haha! haha…hhmm..:/.

— John :D.

What did you do in Fiji?  Have you surfed?  Have you been writing? Do you have an published work? I bet your’re an awesome writer. I’d live to read some of your work.

I love brits (and some aussies).


Ah!!! Okay that makes sense.  It’s just wrought with his work.  I like that.  (now knowing that Ekman is involved at a high level).  The serious definitely wouldn’t exist without him. I think Roth is awesome and like the didactic element to it.  He’s well-cast, too.  His character is unintentionally (but inevitably) a bit of rabble-rouser (exposing emotional secrets intent on staying hidden) and Roth definitely has an edge.  I don’t know why I just thought of this actor, but I laughed thinking of someone like Hugh grant as lightman.  haha!  Another great actor, but yeah couldn’t play grittiness as well.  I haven’t followed much of roth’s work, but this definitely seems to be some of his best work. Unfortunately, it seems to have jumped the shark end of second season.  My read on it is the producers aimed to turn lightman into a deceit-detection hero, so each subsequent episode has to be upping the game with his impressiveness (poker players, undercover, other professional liars)…thus, the character progression became to linear.  I think if they would have showed more flaws in his character earlier on, it would have been much more interesting.  But hey, the series is interesting enough to catch scrutiny; the best parts are where they teach ekman material. It can get cheesy/americanised in some parts but I like how the show deliberately tries to teach a few of the Facial Action Coding and Action Unit stuff (core ekman material findings). 

What’s that about an app?  Training tools like "Emotions revealed" unmasking the face and the "books"? those training tools?  I thought there was some kind of FACS application floating about?  have been throwing around ideas for an app (mainly productivity POPP) for awhile.

But yeah, some app for that kind of training would be massively useful, awesome, and interesting. 

Hey, wow!!! Congrats about getting that screenwriter involved!  Sounds infinitely successful from get-go! That’s huge!  What areas are you involved with? Casting? Financing? Filmography? Script?

Things are "okay".  Desiring more career certainty.  Is BSF a team?  Team is auspicious. 

What phase of production is the depravity film? (casting? pre-?) Would you be credited as "Producer"?  Director? Finances? I saw Grazer in an interview recently.  Make sure you get recognition, mate!  Although completely different field, I remember working as a webmaster for 4 months and not being credited for the site production.  Producing (good films, at least ;)! ) definitely seems like an interesting field.  One thing I like about producing (the sound/look of it, at least) is it’s involved with film but much less glamourized invovlement.

Btw, I’m getting coaching certification march 14 (the utility of which is unforeseen and uncertainty haha) and am crunching out this NLP book. haha! Will send you a copy if I ever finish it! (It’s basically just a compilation of notes in book form, so not necessarily new material).

I think I sensed (possibly yours, possibly moving toward mine haha!)  success after meeting you at Mindframe. haha! Mindmap (amongst other things) has really transformed note-taking and idea-capturing.  Amongst other things.

Anyways, honor to know and communicate with ya, Justin.  As always!

Awesome hearing from ya, mate!

Hey! Have you seen Enigma?  Brain exploded after that one.  Was clueless on how he did 85% of the material (much more befuddlement than his first three shows).  I wanted to see that live in the UK…maybe next tour! 

Cheers, justin!


locker dude sounds like brett. that’s cool. 

I am not lighten nor anyone there, but that’s the positive .

Lee vow response

Last note. 10 years ago, when things went crazy with biofam.  I really commit to acting, and changed a ton of things in my life.  I think it was then that I really decided (at 16) that I wanted to be a lifecoach (after this seminar) and have spent a REALLY long time pursuing that with experiences and people and writing and training and ups and downs and challenges and breakthroughs.  I don’t know if i’m doing acting, lifecoaching, authoring, teaching math or what.  But lifecoaching has certainly been a very strong pursuit at times.  I think that "knowing what you want to do" didn’t really occur to me before that and it jolted things.  I dont’ think it was handled well by my parents at all.    I feel like I don’t know who my biological parents are at times.  I mean how could they be my actual biological parents, I’ve asked?  Sometimes I feel that’s true, sometimes not.  Anyways.  This is WAY overkill on excessively long. 

Travel Country Can’t Always Do that.
Countries are bizarre.  One thing I learned is that I can’t get into any country I want. Britain didn’t let me in 4 times in 2010 (they didn’t give me a refund on eurostar either).  Maybe that’s more of a lesson in image (for customs), but still it’s true.  So if I CAN’T like MAY NOT go to certain countries, dreaming about living there is a waste, I should make do where I am.  I mean aussies have great beliefs and you’re right americans are success obsessed.  But maybe americans think that aussies are "lazy"?? I dont’ know really.  I’ve traveled so much I ffeel like I’m from many countries in part.  What’s interesting is I see very few americans in aus and few aussies in america.  That’s interesting.  They’re about hte same size country geographcially and about hte same age.

HUGE BREAKTHROGH with my biodad this last week.
My dad kept asking about my health and being invasive about helath (even though I trained myself to run marathons). I put my foot down and "erupted" but in a tactful way but made him see that he was doing more harm than good being so invasive about health.  When he said he let me focus on my own health and let that be private, we had an amazing weekend (we did like yardwork in michigan and took in the christmas tree and shoveled and chore stuff but had some great talks and we got along and it felt REALLY REALLY good. All that because I said that they ahd to get ouf my health.  And hearing him say that he would respect that, made me feel really galvanized and had some great times (not outrageously fun, but getting along and quality). Also /i realized (despite the fights, disagreements, and mutual hurt at times).  I like my dad. He works extremely hard and he has put a lot of focus and time nad energy into providing for me and my brothers and mom.  He’s pretty innovative too.  At times I looked up to him, at times looked down on him.  Sometimes loved sometimes loathed, but just recently I felt as if I was having a relationsihp with him (like as adult-adult sort of. Huge breakthrough). And I’ve noticd some funny and amusing things I noticed some funny cute thing about my dad I like.  Like how he freaks out and is overjoyed when he does something (like getting in a right lane) that saves time (while other lanes might have taken longer). haha.  Yeah I like my dad (most of hte time).  I’ve been in some highly pressurized states, though for sure.  and in the car ride was peaceful and nice.  It’s been really illuminating and good spending time just with dad a bit.

Like he acts like he just won the lottery if we’re driving and he sees he got in the car lane without traffic.  It’s funny how happy that makes him.  Random cute dad thing. 

On FAmilies
Other thing.  You said that if a person isn’t at peace with their family it causes problems.  Indeed, but I think another family takes it’s place.  I know many happy and together peopel that haven’t seen their parents in Years (sometimes a decade).  The need for "A" family exists, but if your bioparents don’t cut it, then finding friends and community that does, works best.

From someone"I would say that if it appears that it "just sort of split apart", then that’s what happened. Sometimes things don’t work out in the long run. I know it sucks bad, I haven’t spoken to my biological father in probably 15 years at the least, if not longer. I don’t remember when, and I don’t lose sleep over it. I have a fantastic step-father who unfortunately lost his battle with cancer in September.""

I think in some situations, staying with toxic bioparents is MUCH more devastating, crippling and injurious in life than doing your own thing. 

I had wanted to cut off all communication from my parents for awhile.  And I have, at times,  They deliberately don’t care about my interests in some ways (they don’t invite me to things they do anymore, even if they know I would be interested like sbif one year.) But have been communicating b/c of career reasons mainly.

He looks like an english professor from college!  I think he was featured in "The secret". In life coach certification training people from that film were brought up quite a bit.  I thought it was WAY over-rated.  Simply kind of a repackaged "golden rule" film.  The main message I got from the secret was marketing.  Many films have a similar messgage (focus on a goal in a mindful way to ensure its fruition) but the Secret "sold and marketed" that so much better. 

But I’m doing an outpouring of thougths nad emotions. I think I trust australians in part.  Maybe I WILL move there.  Maybe I’ll stay in chicago or in michigan? I dont’ know.  But whatever I may/can only do it’s best to make that work best.

yeah, doing

hey danny,
I remember meeting you at Duffy’s and you suggested having hate-sex/angry-sex haha and said the woman you were with wasn’t sure if you liked her.  Well the woman I was withÉ.it was odd.  I thought I liked her and genuinely did like parts of the relationship, but she was into non-premarital sex.  For awhile this was okay and I was just like okay "different", but then she always acted "sexual’ (probe her wanting to break that, but not allowing herself to do so, but still caused headache), so felt enticed and manipulated.  kind of lame.  Anyways, did you revamp Jealous P gig(s)?  Sounds awesome, man.

— John



Helping with the blueprint and foundation, friends definitely provide bearings and give substance, meaning, and direction to life. 

Yeah, having quality friends with which I have and can talk about serious meaningful things with (like your dad, cancer was dead serious and challenging, and then when I was distraught and overwhelmed and panicked about where to go when had to leave aus and whatnot, that was frightening and "real") but having talked about that stuff with a friend is quality.  I’ve had friends where I could never chat about that "truly meaningful ‘stuff, but we chat about jokes or other "light stuff".  Feels good to have friends with which have shared serious and meaningful moments!

Also, about the marriage thing.  About a few months ago I was keeping up with this austrlaian woman I met in 2009. Oh manÉ.a goddess (and I don’t believe in religion!) I remember jokingly say to her that she would be a good "mom".  I NEVER thought about any woman that way and said it to her only jokingly, but she let me stay at her place, and is gorgeous and SO nice, and I guess I thought of her that way.  Was strange.  But good maybe.  (not good that I didn’t stay in contact with her more and only saw her a brief time though. oh well lol. ).

yeah, haha I’ve recently recalled (quite frequently).  We were doing something in Netherlands LOL and you talked about getting some gig in the states (for what? medical? I forget) and almost went but didn’t.

Awesome you 1)know where you want to be and 2) are living there!  I’m in michigan at present.  It’s pretty awesome, reminds me of aus.

New york was where I should’ve gone in 2008.  West coast wasn’t good. I am interested in trying out new york (coaching, maybe theatre stuff, who knows).  But aus/nz people feel like home (at times).  True.


Quick Note:

"Certainly the more sensitive you become to the complexities of facial expression – the more you know about your own face – the richer will be your own emotional experience." — Paul Ekman.


Notes on John




Samuel Baum, screenwriter
mekhi fifer, actor (8mile lie to me)
bacon, philly.

New york is serious.  california is comedy.  maybe.  I am interested in new york. drama makes fun of comedy. comedy makes fun of drama.



How was Fiji?  Six-day trip?  Did you have an agenda of what to see?

I love thee!!!! :D.   No really…I’ve scrutinized this.  I have saved letters from girlfriends from highschool and college and all kinds of relationships…and after scrutinizing my past relationships and whom I trust and have trusted, I know and understand I love thee!! True.  C’est vary. 

So this is what confuses me.

Why was I such an obnoxious wanker when we met up in brassy?  You took me out to dinner and I kept using my laptop.  I was bloody fucking rude!

True. Brutally true.  That’s what I’m being.

And I know you were at the very least moderately interested in me (this was a LONG time ago at our ages, though) because you kept commentating on how people hit on you (at the library or wherever) or cat called you.  Which actually kind of angered me, but not in a jealous way, in a protective way.  (if you don’t recall, you mentioned that betwixt mentioning your bro’s saving up to buy a car, crashing it, and then doing drugs.  Interesting, because your brother is a good bloke.  But I had too many books and too much fear about what would happen next in my life and I didn’t trust you then.)

Here’s the crazy thing: I don’t know how much I trust you now. 

I know you’re physically gorgeous (duh! that’s like 0% questionable unfortunately).  But that’s slightly negligible honestly.

At this point in my life I’m calculative.  I don’t know if the library burning tree extinguishing was true or not (probe not..okay yeah I don’t believe you extinguish a library burning tree at all), but something about me really trusts you on a really DEEP level.  That’s weird and scary for me. 

By the way, you can interpret this (obviously) merely as a compliment (even  though suggesting that you do so could easily be evidence of haughty arrogance on my part "any woman I trust; that should be a compliment" brutally arrogant,


Maybe I believe you can help me get aligned with career


Toxic Consequences of Anger
Over or Under-eat  –> obesity or anorexia
Over or Under- drink
Misdirecting hatred to wrong people
Excessive or below healthy amounts of masturbation or exercise
Never learning valuabl things from experiences
Compulsions (exercise)
Feeling of emotional imprisonment
Future decisions are clouded (doing xc because of anger from RLT was  poor impoverished, hurtful decision)

RLT Anger
Tom Huntoon caused massive anger by being a baby, a whiner, a LOSER non-fun pathetic trip leader who’s pathetic lack of self-esteem required peopel to look up to him, also his gay retarded obsession with poetry. what a PATHETIC PUTRID imbecile.  HE looked like andrew burke, but WAS NOT, was a wanker.
Being on the trip caused massive anger
Gary caused MASSIVE anger, discombobulation, and destruction by not allowing me to read, teasing me, and distracting and being invasive not peaecful
Criticized by tom huntoon for wife-cheating? WTF? WARPED LOSER? trying ot think he’s wise
holding pee entire time walking (saw red, immense anger)
That I helped some of the wankers excel (possibly) with school

Okay Learning
Do not do programs you don’t want to do
Trip leaders can be TOXIC wankers
I like europeans (eddie)
I like the french language
Camping/hiking survival techniques (useful for solo hikes)
Belief and knowledge that I was capable of doing camping/hiking survival (HUGE)!
NOT to use iodine *EVER*

Dismantle the negatives
Going on the trip caused anger
Not going on the trip caused anger ? no
Going on the trip caused not anger? nature was nice
not going on the trip caused not anger? yeah would’ve done math
Consequence: bottled anger, destroyed body, confusion, IMMENSE anger (bad times)
Intention: was forced to, intention was to survive
apply to self: won’t continuign to believe that only caused anger, cause anger?
Frame: frame is that trip was discombobuatling. C’est Vrai
Chunk down: putting things in bags, hurting spine, peopel judging you and being jerks, eating gross food
Chunking up: the majority of the time wasted for 33 days (not wasted was nature and 1-4 of the people, all rest were toxic, and survival skills emotionally and in wilderness)

This experience would be a toxic emotional bomb if I didn’t dismantle it, so i’m dismantling it!

Talking to the Limbic system
That RLT month was disturbing, disruptive, and emotionally VERY dangerous.  It left me emotionally scarred, scared, and caused me ot make poor decisions senior year (and for ocllege).  It disrupted future decisions (like college) and caused distracting and life-shortening anxiety . It was a VERY disruptive experience.

You can acknowledge that and NOT feel disruptive pai.  Feel acceptane that you’ve moved and will Never interact with peole like that in a way like that because of its toxic impoact.

MEXICO in contrast
was relaxing, peaceful, healthy, fun . i liked staying in the same spot. INDEED.

Section 23

Did the edits.
Stereo to Mono.

After feeling excruciating ANGER  I thought about what made me happy in life.  All I could come up with were

sucking boobs, women
akumal snorkeling, swimming (DEFINITELY)
some surfing stuff
some nature stuff (punta laguna)
some OLD childhood stuff (florida)
rope swing OR sortaÉ
sort of HoB crazy party, twop epode
I genuinely had some GREAT memories from SEA


Happy anchors cont. 
Sophomore year – soccer – geometry – anne (upper clansmen parties where cassidy was there, and bret and chuck and other cool people) – mob honey – SOCCER

Song lyrics

Up to now
Now is when?
Where are we?
France is good
Aus is useful.
Britain is home.
usa is heyÉwhat can I say? No much.

Travel is fail although omnipresent
it makes you resent
fortunately I don’t repent

When is there a sense of zero loss?
sea semester was good.
learning about nautical oceanography
heaps better than geology

rhyming is easy to do
it makes things feel complete, like "through"
don’t you
agree? phew.

don’t know what kind of title should add to this
something like kiss, miss, piss.


Saw charlie sheen interview about him suing .it was angering his smoking his lying.  really kind of annoying. I like 2.5 men a lot less now.  And all that hollywood rubbish is suing and blah blah rubbish dang.  seems lame.  Glad to not be apart of of that really. well glad to not be a part of the backstabbing and they worked together chuck lore or whatever and shene.  bleh and the lying about drug tests and bleh bleh.  obviously lying has to do with father’s rubbish stuff.  seeing that was angering because I realized he shielded his face when said he’s a nice guy (meaning he’s not) and the part about a family feed to feed?? He has millions from previous episodes. He woudlnt’ have to work for 10 lifetimes.  blegh.  bollocks.  rubbish.  dang my respect for charlie sheen just plummetted. this also diminished respect I had for actors and hollywood even more.

that woman at the little store said di you enjoy yoru fish to someone and made me think of "you’re are fish" in regards to me being like a Michigan’s fish?  and charlie sheen is sensitve and doesn’t know what he’s doing but is prompted around by questions etc.  nice people but idiotic lying.  maybe that sensitive not knowing what doing is precisely what I feel with stuff.

even his cigareete was to try to seem nonchalant, he was obivously scared. bleh whatev.

whenever I try to "figure out myself", I feel unhappy! Good pattern realizion! none of that then #identity

HUGE realization!  All the excessive movie-watchign was to find companionship in the actors I saw on screen.  That’s why I felt so "close to them" (albeit fabricated and vicarious closeness).  I noticed this because when I yearned to see the kitty again and the cat didn’t show I thought of how to fill the void of wanting companionship (and I am alone A LOT so having a kitten woudl be practical, reasonable, smart, RELEVANT, wise, and important!) thougth of watching films dang!


201103Monday, 7 March 201110:17:25 AM–$

investments I’m considering

Cost = 60 adoption, 40 supplies, roundup $130 tops
WHY = OMG I LOVE cats.  I dont’ know where to start.  The
Caring for something
Having a friend around.
Amusement from the animal
A friend
An animal to talk to
Someone who’s there. 
I WOULD love to have a cat.  It’s exciting I feel much more excited in the morning knowing there’s a cat to feed.  It makes me feel good and excited and energized.  Plus, I am alone SOOO frequently, this is practically a MUST.  It’s too depressing being alone WITHOUT a pet like I have been. I dont’ want to dive into living with tons of people.  I like solitude (at some levels).  But I really would feel like life is galvanized and much more wholesome with a cat.  That’s partially it, cats are galvanizing!! I REALLY want a cat dang.  Additonally I have wanted a cat since 2006 (but playstation too lolz)

CRITERIA = Outdoor cat.  A must.  I don’t like cooping up a cat indoors all the time.  Preferably orange, tan, black, or grey, basically not white. 
Personality should be friendly nice etc.  sounds so awesome! 

PROBLEMS/OBSTACLES. this is the main focus.
Cost (I could save up) (couldnt’ use vet though)
Location allowed (bioparents or wherever I stay…etc bleh)
The MAIN one I reckon would be idea that I woudl "travel’ and not havin a set home and thus couldnt’ take care of a cat but I should totally wing that.  I bet brother could take care of one of them or a cat friend. NICE!!!!!!

REasons why = good playstation games. love the controller. the idea of relaxing to a great game is a ppelaing. Guitar hero is FUN AS arcade (althoguh actual guitar maybe better?) some adventure games are fun.

Why not headache. walkthroughs are WORK.  sometimes it’s a drain of time and boring. some games can be REALLY REALLY boring. Thief got Soooooooooooooooooooooooo fucking boring!  EXPENSIVE!! it’s expensive to own playstation. Games. would have to get gamefly account.g Wouldnt’ (PS banned piarates) downlaod would have to buy.  MAybe one game per month $50 isn’t hat bad but then if wanted to get rid of it would sell.  NEED tv screen. dang!  a lot of hassle. This islooking less and less likely. C’est vrai! also would take up time I coudl put torwards cat, reading, blogging, video youtube channel work..tons!

WHY love touchscreen, cool apps, good for reading, portability, nifty

WHY NOT. I already have three computers (LOL!) love computers, but that might be a bit much. might be a headache keeping track fo three. ALthoguh using all three I DEFINITELy get MUCH more done and have awareness of what’s important looking at data throug hdiffernet ocmputers and keep improtant stuff on dropbox sweet!!


Really connecting with #neuroscience.  Considering what some people said, and am keen on studying this (possibly formally).


to kate How’s your chess? 😉 just remembered that.


to ssk bleh

I don’t know why I just thought of it but wondered if you’d recall: at Bredemann chevrolet dealer when we were doing paper work for the Equinox we met the manager/owner.  He said some odd things.  About you he mumbled something about you being a good actor or…something (I knew he mentioned you and acting).  What did he say about me?  Do you recall?

— John

Reading Oliver #Sacks "The Man Who Mistook His Wife for a Hat" about someone with visual #agnosia and other oddities. #Fascinating! #british


Hey mates, um question: I have chromed bird and update twitter with that.  Chromed bird updates twitter, but not twitter AND facebook.  But an update direct to twitter.com DOES update facebook.  How do I update Twitter AND facebook via chromed bird? thanks.

2011 March 7 (PREVIOUS
DODODO From Do. Txt

GPS Project
    gmapsupp.img in "garmin" folder.
    something about a  2055 map (tile?) limit?
    does mapsource work with garmin devices? Only way to?
    How can I get my gmapsupp.img file in device read?

    install those three and Mapsource on Netbook. GOOD>

    NEW File Hierarchy MUST be
        Providing control and flexibility

    add windows?? ONLY for steam


    ALL outstanding librivox files must be
        mp3 exported
        original audacity file deleted
    All other recordings in desktop/audacities must be
        if necessary, exported
        original audacity file deleted
NEW OS shoudl include a fresh empty audacity folder NOT anything else residual. GOOD SWEET!
Double check all games
Double check all savedgames
Possibly edit 320_TOSH to elim excess mov_deletable

    Gaggest proper ONLY currente
        maybe translator
        printer canon drivers
    steam on D://
    os on C://

Other location of dropbox Syncing?????
    imac_partial possibilyt

31/01/2011 07:24:57 ##—$

Feel pretty good and organized.  Finishing up recordings audacity, libri,
have control and insight over where game files are primarily located and saved games
Have dropbox locally in oneplace FINALLY
reformatted toshiba
thinning out content on imac/windows for windows install. QUALITY. 
May want to install macbook too!
love having minimal on desktop. 

31/01/2011 07:49:41 ##—$

EXCELLENT 15 second principle meditation focus on

own home space (minimalist, wood floors, clarity, all computer files massivley organized, little/no hard copy)
solvency, job, earning, SAVINGS!!
NATURE (rain forest with deck)

31/01/2011 09:39:36 ##—$

I like starting the day with work.
Woke up, did some emails, cleaned a bit, copied some files, showered, editted two audicity librivox’s, good.


01/02/2011 11:21:52 ##—$

Flights from Chicago from April 1 to 04 to June 1 (06) are 856 via Air New Zealand!! WOW air new zealand is the way to fly FOR SURE.

In October 2011 they’re 1224, over a 300 price increase holy fuck!
april 1 and june 1 are cheapest price time.s That one guy suggested asia.  COOL!!!!!!!!!!!

1481  02/02/2011
931   02/25/2011
931   03/24/2011
856   04/01/2011
856   06/01/2011
931   07/01/2011
931   08/01/2011
1063, 09/01/2011
1224, 10/01/2011
1418, 12/22/2011


934   02/25/2011
887   04/01/2011

New Zealand

906   04/01/2011
796   05/01/2011
866   06/02/2011
1048  10/01/2011

01/02/2011 17:28:19 ##—$

I wonder if wasting time on microsoft. I AM on mac.  Maybe on win actually sometims yes some noe.  I like ubuntu a LOT.

What’s concurrency?


It’s odd how jason contacted me RIGHT when I felt I had voice down (acting is opposite of computers).  And I thought was going forward with acting.

It’s not like that.

I like voice work; I’m not abandoning that.  I like doing recordings.

computer science I want to learn more of code big times.

Thus, I continue doing voice work recordings AND advance code-learning and actually code!

sentence conjunction during editing, skipping small words, consistent pace, and preprunciation.

installing ubuntu? how where? imac? netbook? compatiblity?
am I a coder?
am I a voice actor?
librivox feedback on how to appreciate music harsh.
Jason st. peter’s question about coding.
should I order grubhub and then freeze much of it?  possibly heah.

outcome ubuntu installed to work with total compatibility in both
yes I code
yes i do voice acting
redo or make changes then upload it.
stah peetz wanted some coding insights but also sparked my own interests and uncertainteis of coding
I’d order grubhub.  you can get
pad thai
pad thai
kung pau
3 rangoon
Keep pad thai and kung out, freeze rangoon, curry, and another pad and thus have good frozne meal and are set for a long time. plus Awesome clarity occurred where you organized papers properly last time. true (and now have that large box of likely deleteable files. sweet)!

ANOTHER concer.  A blog where I can post everything and evertyhing, unfiltered.

I can’t bloody stand the Kindle 2!! It’s a piece of Shit!!!! It’s bloody awful!! White (shows dirt), CLUNKY AS HECK, and the hardware interface?? Obscene,  2-year-old toys have more complex interfaces.  The buttons on the kindle 2 are just heinously dumb.  I absolutely can’t stand the 2 also because of it’s clunky size.  That said, that’s Hardware.  Software is a different story.  I had kindle 2 loaded on iphone and frickin’ LOVED it.  But note the huge hardware differences, same software but hardware (clunky, white, obtuse, 2-year-old clunky button, slow, pathetic) and (sleek COMPACT, touchscreen).  Hardware makes a huge difference folks and I’m not even that critical (at times), but the kindle 2 doesn’t just "cut it" it’s a pathetic piece of rubble.  I feel sorry for the electrical components wasted on such a piece of gargabe.  I’m keeping an eye for an extremely compact and touchscreen kindle.  The software is excellent, the hardware has been obscenely and offensively flawed.

Okay, admitted, is a little strange to find someone by doing a search for just meredith in chiago….but hey, I only do first-name searches on facebook twice a week Tops!!! HAHA!! ;D  Actually I’ve never done a first-name search before, i just REALLY REALLy felt a strong connection with this woman. liked her (and the short, but exotic, fun, and soothing) time we spent together and simply genuinely wanted to reunite with her! 

And I thought after awhile that you were just playing some kind of coy/playful role (which admittedly I thought was quite odd) of pretending you weren’t her.  It was just that SOOOO many things added up!
Same appearance
some physique
same hair
same eyes (SERIOUSLY)
we both got sick at same time (this really made me realize how could you NOT be her?? we gave each other a cold!)
same interest in cats
there are more huge resemblance/connection factors!

Dang this blizzard is sick! just cleared neighbors walkway and steps.  actually pretty awesome.  good nature haha.

I trust your cold and this monday (as opposed to last monday) is going better? Cheers.

— John


02/02/2011 09:21:51 ##—$

australia is like the good version of usa.  like a redo. good 80s times!!!
I SOOO want to go there and help out DANG!!!  It felt GREAT to do the shoveling that I did EARLY this morning but the only way I validated it was early this morning.’

02/02/2011 09:44:38 ##—$

Okay realized SERENA is like everything I LIKe.  clear, intelligent, introvente,d OCEANIC!!,  asian, cool awesome. CLEARN CCLEAR CLEAR.  Huge!

Kate is everything that bores me.  American, hickish, religious. bollocks!!

this is VERY big.

I LIKE asian people. quality!

02/02/2011 12:15:23 ##—$

aussies use a lot of kinesthetic owrsds I think I think kinesthetic. interesting!


02/02/2011 15:01:19 ##—$

Chicago has become like CC and thus Australia is most likely HOME!! I’ve successfully (and am successfully processing ) porcessed files so that I’m mobile and organied enough that old home is no longer home and this is a hotel.  GOOD.  organization FTW!!!!!!!!!!!!.

02/02/2011 15:27:55 ##—$

itneresting. love the comp sci. automated psychology. "Choice is human; Decision is programming" both are useful.


reviewing #python try-except statements. #quality. recovering data from corrupted external hd. bollocks!

201102Thursday, 10 February 20116:54:35 PM–$

Review of Sherlock Holmes v. Jack the Ripper.
Synopsis: EXTREMELY detailed and historically accurate.  I was impressed with how the programmers used real letters and real suspects from the late-19th century jack the ripper murders.  That said, however, at times this game was EXTRMELY boring and repitive and the only thing keeping me playing was liking hte software company, realizing it was a decent game, liking holmes, and the historical accuracy.  It was kind of like a VERY LONG interactive documentary or history channel episode on the jack the ripper murders.

So the "game" results in an odd review.  If you’re looking some action-adventure game…it’s not that fun.  If you’re looking for kind of an interactive documentary with real letters and facts from the Jack the Ripper murder mysteries, it’s by the best account of that nature.  It’s much more of an interactive historical account (with a twist of fiction with Holmes).  But all the suspects and letters and facts are exactly the same from the real-life jack the ripper murders.  A lot of thought was put into this game but I I don’t feel comfortable actually calling it a "game"!  It simply is more of a historical re-enactment.  Like an accelerated history channel (with a cool Holmes twist).

I found this informative and interesting, albeit droll at times.

The Dracula Origin game from Frogwares was more fun but this game had impressive historical accuracy to the lat 19th century murder mysteries.

201102Thursday, 10 February 20118:30:25 PM–$


Dreamt I was in 428 top floor with kate, her pants and undies were partially off.  I worked my way up to top floor going through james and james’s friends (kate was in top floor room) and he was gloating at having friends over before leaving for india.  I was nice then cuddled with kate.  James and thomas were surprised to see kate in my room.  Payton hurst was there and I clenched his arm in a friendly manner and closed the door (meh weird. Meaning?  Old kate stuff.  biofamily intruding?  Girlfirend is synonymous to travel for me???)  who knows.



Wasn’t entirely certain of the format for this.


Regularity is a challenging criteria to evaluate because the intention of my blog was to blog significant ideas, thoughts, breakthroughs, realizations, and share important learnings and discoveries.   Additionally, I have no way of quantifying the exact frequency of all the posts without tabulating the exact time and date of 112 posts (from April 2009 to February 2011) (or 376 posts in total).  First off, an average, simply the number of posts divided by the timespan, there was 112 posts for 23 months, or on average, 8 posts, per month, which is doubly-on-average 2 posts per week for the two years in which I’ve been studying and doing the programs and meeting the graduation requirements for ICA.  "On average" (although the exact modes of those averages is irregular), I give myself a 9, because that’s superb.  Two posts per week is fantastic.  However, the exact reality is some months I had zero posts, other months 24 posts. So the "exact" regularity needs to be factored as well.

Thus, some months (namely those on travel and hiatus) I didn’t blog for months.  In contrast, when doing intensive classes and focusing heavily on the graduation requirements, coaching-related (and NLP or inspirational-related) blog entries and ideas emerged and I blogged them.  My blog has been on-going for 7 years.  Over the course of those seven years looking at the monthly regularity has ranged from zero to thirty-three (more than one post per day on average) per month.  But I will focus on the time since I started doing ICA as that started much of the Coaching_in_Training and coaching-related posts.  January-March 2010 had zero posts.  Outside of that time, the posting had enormous "variation" or irregularity. In May 2009, there was a new post every 1-3 days.  On average, I’ve tried to post one post per week. 

On the months where I did post, the average was about 5 posts per month. Some months those posts were very equally distributed over the month.  Take January 2011, for example, with posts on the 1st, 6th, 7th, 14th, 19th, and 27th of month.  That’s stellar distribution and great frequency.  If I did that for every month, I would give myself a solid 10/10 regularity.  I, however, did not have that regularity.  I’m questioning if I should count the three months where I did not even have access to a computer and was traveling and am excluding those.  Nevertheless, there still exist some months where no posts were posted or where a lot were scrunched together. On the months where i did post I give myself a 7 for regularity.  Over the full-time space (of ICA related posts), because some months I didn’t post at all, I give myself a 5.  The average of 9,7, and 5 for respectively (calculated average of total posts divided by months, estimated regularity score for writing months, and estimated regularity for all months. 

Conclusively, I give myself a 7 for regality, but maybe that’s too lenient, so I’d say a 6.5.

February 2011 (5)
January 2011 (6)
November 2010 (1)
October 2010 (6)
September 2010 (6)
August 2010 (3)
July 2010 (5)
June 2010 (9)
April 2010 (1)

December 2009 (2)
November 2009 (3)
September 2009 (6)
August 2009 (3)
July 2009 (4)
June 2009 (10)
May 2009 (24)
April 2009 (18)


Some areas of my blog posts were very "connective", linking everything from plays, books, audio files, other sites, and many ICA classes. 

(1) Post your module reflections to the discussion board:  I did this.  When I had a question, an irksome problem, an inspiring idea, or wanted to connect, I did so on the discussion board.  Not regularly, mind you, but upon graduation, I have 151 Post(s) (0.23 average posts per day) on the discussion board.  I say that’s better than decent and feel that my discussion board "connection", although irregular, is 4 or 5 out of 5.
(2) Connect with your fellow students outside of class  — With some students we discussed co-leading a podcast.  Connecting with like NLP-related ideas, and the like.  But I feel my ambition to connect (again, fairly irregular at times) was greater than the actual connection.  I would give myself a 3 out of 5 on this.  Some classmates we had coaching sessions and shared book and life-ideas and it was definitely an uplifting exchange.

(3) Create a  blog that connects to other blogs and websites.  I commented on quite a few other sites.  However, most of my ideas were from class, ruminating, random inspiration, day-to-day reflection or non-site material (a film, audio, a book, some article).  I would like to extend my blog roll (which has been VERY selective) and make more website blog links with other coaches.  I think that would extend and solidify my web presence as a coach as well as function as practical networking.  As for leaving comments on other blogs, definitely 20/20 out of that.  I frequently comment on many blogs.  Receiving comments: I received a fair bit of comments, although unfortunately, many of them were spam, but oh well, c’est la vie with the intent at times.  I did get some actual quality comments and found those rewarding, humorous, challenging, and enlightening at times.  The blogroll has been ongoing.  I became extremely selective with it, however, and would like to add more coaches to it.  I also would like to cross-link  and link swap with MANY more coaches. 

Overall on this blog-to-blog connection/comment section of "Conection" I partially give myself a 17, but I really wanted more coach to coach connections, so with that specifically (like blogroll stuff) I give myself a 4 out of 20.  That part is almost marketing (getting your site linked on another site, usually as a link swap).  I could’ve gone more advanced with this with affiliate exchange as well.

From a very harsh-marketing POV, I give myself an 8 out of 20, but for a normal, average relaxed making a few comments here, adding this and that to blog roll occasionally there, I give myself a 17 out of 20. Those are very different approaches because if I would’ve done more internet marketing/advertising on the first one I would’ve scored myself higher, but it wouldn’t have changed the 17.   I guess "overall", something like a 14 out of 20 on connectivity sounds good. I did that and commented and blog roll, but if I had, say 20 coaches with mutual links (swapped-site-links) and some more accelerated plans for increasing traffic, that would be better.  But then again, I also didn’t want too many coaching-only links, so the diversity of blogroll and the diversity of former where I got a lot of post insights was great.

My ability to reflect on new ideas, to make them my own, discuss relevant program content, all in a comprehensive way is the one area out of these three where I feel very competent and give myself 20/20 on reflection ability.  I consistently blogged on ideas or challenges or insights sparked by challenges in life (relationship, travel, career, productivity, and health), ICA-specific class module topics, and other forms of media (audio, written, and/or visual).

I’m not sure if this is used in some kind of metric of how well the person did and hopefully it’s just a guideline to herald areas I think I did well in with the blog and to also enunciate areas where I personally wanted improvement. 

Regularity – 7
Connection – 17
Reflection – 20



to mind map


Ac = v2/r
Kinetic Energy K = 1/2mv2

Three Types of Systems
    Open – Energy AND Mass exchange with SURROUNDINGS
    Closed – Energy exchange with surroundes via
        Work (W) – scalar, measured in (j)joules
        Heat (q)
    Isolated – Neither energy nor mass interact with surroundings
        The universe is an isolated system
        In isolated systems the "type" of energy may change but not the total energy.

ddt `el

2011, March 10

DreamDream Dreamt 1st Dream, dreamt I was in music class, mr. heggelund, ari samo was there.  He said when there’s something wrong with the brain what holds together the brain/mind is music. Then there were four versions of ari samo, Each one more composed and less dilapidated than the previous version.  And earlier ones less composed (more crazy)  and somehow I envisioned rollerblading linked up with music.  Then I envisioned some WEIRD play like Jack, with a mime, and Jack crossed the ocean and saved a person from a sea monster, so he acted it out.  Really weird.

2nd Dream dreamt I had a gf who was REALLY sweet and nice.  Had glasses, big eyes. Really skinny (not anorexic).  Nice.  There was a dorm and she went up there and we like hooked up or something.  Then mom wanted to see my old dorm room and there was this thing on the stairs when you pulled it, it made a ring sound and you looked up a person’s pants, and it was really weird and my mom kept jokingly doing that?  Really messed up.


201103Thursday, 10 March 20118:18:40 AM–$

DeadSpace Review

While this game had a few perks (great graphics, absolutely fantastic, the button that illuminated where you had to go AND the map was SUCH a novel and brilliant invention.  Two ways to ensure you’re never lost.  I can’t count the number of times playing an FPS and having to resort to the dreaded walkthrough to discern where to go. I loathed that.  With the "path finder" button and the map, you never need a walkthough nd can play and enjoy the game as is.  Remarkable.  Fantastic. )   So that was great.  But what Consistenly irked me was that DeadSpace was nearly a 100% rip-off of the Movie, Event Horizon.  Similarities to event horizon:
Ship taken over by "hellish force"
Crew trying to constantly figure out "what happened to the ship"
old recordings in both ships (the dead space ship and the event horizon ship)
gory, hellish, slaughter blood and residue on both ships.

Now I liked event horizon.  A fantastic horror film.  I loved, being somewhat of a cosmologist, the "gravity drive", artificial black whole, and worm-time-travel phenomenon.  But I felt that dead space should have been called something like Dead Space : The Event Horizon Video Game or something, I liked the game it was okay, (not spectacular, but very decent) but was irked by it’s almost direct resemblance to Event Horizon film.

Simple and intuitive "path finding" button and map
Good controller layout

No credit to its resemblance film, Event Horizon.


I’m an f-18 bro.  I will destroy you in the air and deploy my ordinacne to the ground." — Sheen *sigh* makes no sens lolz!





So basically this is a

Projcets (All GOOD, uplifting, moving life forward ^^ $$$ #:D)
Doom 3
Dead Space
Physics learning
RLT on facebook

reading screenplay king’s speech

6 years wanted to beat that game
new game
5 years ofn otes in the works HUGE

Movies (like the matrix) infect the mind.  By infection (knid of liek inception ironicaoly) you ruminate on them.  They’re DESIGNED to be ruminated upon (to earn moneyat hte box office).  Rubbish. ruminate on PHYSICS.  PHYsICS is worthwhiel INDEED ce’st vraiment! 

Inception notes
I’m impressed with that actresss shock and awe a fe seconds before 27:23
that one dude is good at looking sharp, but that’asdsdklfjs

Ellen page (to dicaprio’s character)


Hayley McFarland to Roth’s characeter

both play teh honest, simple but direct kind of "foil" like voice of truth, like balancer to not a troubled characeter but a COMPLEX one. Indeed.

What was may last waking area? Aus?

Was Parsi then Chicago then MI three alyers of dream? 


EPIC GREAT LAW POST Of mine reddit
ArbysMachtFries 107 points 17 days ago[-]
I can’t believe how many of the comments on that news site are defending the driver
johntzcuk 113 points 17 days ago* [-]
Yeah, that’s revolting. From that site:
cutiger2005 says:
This is a girl I’ve personally watched cross the street to help an intoxicated stranger who had fallen and suffered minor bruises/cuts.
The past does not equal the present and how is assisting a random stranger who has minimal abrasions any sort of defense when the woman careens into a person, causing possibly fatal injuries herself and then completely abandons the victim?!!
I’ve also witnessed her take care of numerous individuals who were in need of safe/sober rides home, a shoulder to cry on, or give $$ to a homeless man who would not otherwise been able to eat that night.
WTF?! I don’t know what is more preposterous:
the feeble defense of "she let people sob on her and helped someone with a bruise therefore she should be vindicated from (assuming the man dies) involuntary or possibly Constructive manslaughter (even if he lives, her actions are intolerable)
the very fact that this "friend" is defending her in the first place!
If I was this person’s friend and wanted to console her, my consolance would be in the form of outrage and questions of her morality. Cutiger2005 is a confused "loyal’ idiot but her flawed defense should be examined (and dismantled) because it aims to trivialize highly dangerous acts like this, which, in turn, endangers everyone.
If so, you are making the entire state look bad.
I think cutiger2005 has accomplished that already, herself.
A young woman, who had been vigorously studying to become a healthcare professional, will never be the same.
Ironic-much? What kind of health care professional would you want who smacks into pedestrians and speeds away. This "friend" is almost as obtusely pathetic and disturbing as the driver for blindly defending something that was wrong. Yes, the buffoon driver’s life will never be the same! If you take a gun and shoot someone, the murderer’s life wills change, just as the case of this possible manslaughter incident. The moron is groaning about altered lives. Well, duh!! f’ing idiot!
This accident will strip her of her freedom, future aspirations, dignity,
Indeed, and maniacal and bloody dangerous people will be off the road then. That exact consequence would be a just and due course of aciton, imho.
If she had stopped it would have been slightly different, but she committed full-fledged involuntary/constructive (assuming he dies) manslaughter. What do you expect to have happen to people who do such things? There’s no dignity in what she did. Stripping her of her dignity is a realistic consequence; it discourages dangerous actions.
RangerGeet 1 point 17 days ago[-]


NeuterSCooter.com  Inexpensive neutering.

201103Saturday, 12 March 201112:08:57 PM–$


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MI password 0707345193 wireless

Ahoy Maties!

Okay here’s the deal.  Most the photos now have accurate temporal and geographical labels.  Time and Space FTW!!  I’ve sequenced them chronologically as best as I could as well.  I’ve been doing this OCD hyper-meticulous-organized stuff for productivity coaching for AGES (with http://www.validateyourlife.com).  So stoked to finally share a mini-snippet of some of it with people!

Every photo has a date.  If I wasn’t certain on the date, the estimated date is followed by a "(?)".  I’ve done some coding (hyper-organized) and people seemed to be in the photos, so I went a little overkill with organization but it’s so awesome checking out the entire trip chronologically.

Funny story.  That EXACT same pack I had on the RLT trip I wore TODAY (I’m in a rural area — which is quite awesome — and had to walk two miles to get groceries and put the grub in the EXACT pack!  I also was living out of the bush in aus and went to france and europe with the same pack haha!) good times.

Anyways, this has become a mini online-reunie of sorts.  Glad to have helped galvanize that.  The organized photos are excellent for quality memories.


— John



NOT relaxing at ALL
Very stressed

in parents house and I don’t trust parents AT ALL
in america and I don’t trust america
people know I’m here

I COULD relax in STRA
wasn’t parents house
wasn’t in america; was in country I liked and trusted more or less
no one knew I was there! 

Thus the only way I see myself relaxing is
1)financially affording things on MY OWN without parential involvment

It doesn’t seem fair because I do SOO much more work than other people and I don’t get paid. 
I HATED rlt. 
i’m really seething and quite mad. 
it’s hard to breathe.
I don’t want to be in america.  


201103Monday, 14 March 20111:08:07 PM–$

Did anyone else join ICA as early as April 2009?  That’s when I joined and it’s been quite a lengthy but rewarding journey (I might be pushing some longest-to-graduate record haah).  There were definitely a few moments where I was uncertain about graduating! haha!  There were times I felt over-competent and at other times the underdog and very incompetent, but my coaching learning progressed and I feel I’ve strengthed areas that I’ve wanted or needed to work on. ICA has functioned as this cool international coaching base providing some good anchoring amongst a lot of travel and discovery I’ve done. I’ve learned as much from the coaching students as the coaching trainers and it’s been great times! Thanks! This is Exciting!

201103Monday, 14 March 20112:51:19 PM–$

Possible ITEM-belonging sales and investments

SELL macbook — it’s heavy, it’s clunky, I no longer play wow. I want windows anyways, I want to be using after effects.  I have desktop already.  etc. 
BUY Sony bloggie camera (with card and case, $140) — great for blogging and cameras and everything. would replace an item (camera) and add camera,plus I like sony


201103Monday, 14 March 20117:44:00 PM–$

RWSO old

I couldn’t ask for anything more in regards to breasts. Exquisite, fabulous, as perfect as breasts could be.  I AM SO picky about breasts, too.  She has amazingly shaped breasts and huge nipples! 

I really want to build bedroom confidence.  And giving myself (after the woman’s permission) .

Was giddily laughing with saying, I’m like tom cruise, but cooler.  SOO happy!

Oh MAN.  Meredith is a woman with whom I could TOTALLy have a seriously awesome intense relationship with.  I want to have a relationship with her.  She makes me happy.  I’m not extracting sex from her, solely.  She is someone I ALREADY care about, in the protection, love-care way! 

Career. I want a career where I can do it. So I have somethign to do when NOT intimate with a woman. and have it be impressive!

She would be someone with whom I would (if we both agreed on this status, of course, it would be idiotic to do it without the other person knowing or something) feel comfortable putting “in a relationship with” on facebook. That prob sounds hoaky and superficial as HECK.  But it’s true, and I really would and I’ve never made that update before!

I think the “little things” are the best and most rewarding things in a relationship, or about a person. Awesome little thing about you.  You smell good!  Smell is so huge for me!!

You look likea HOt alanis morisette!! Ever get that resemblance?  Random, just thought of that.

Meredith is a BABE!! But a babe that I love!! Shnikeys this is awesome!!

NO annoying stomach-gurgling stuff!!!  SWEETNESS!

Feel like I could have LOVE, like fulfilling Fucking love!  Usually snuggle love is boring or it’s just sex without love, but like both those combined!

Wow there’s a lot of stuf I want to share with meredith.  That’s realy interesting.  Prob really good!

Hey about that “feeling of care/ concern” like I would of a sister or a relative or someone REALLY close.  I really like that feeling, but I was trying to understand HOW it was created, like maybe you remind me of someone with whom I’m really close?  Or we have some chemistry where I jsut feel really close to you and/or connected?  Interested in scrutinizing that. 

Also HUGE insight and “heads up”.  My parents have had that house for my entire life.  I grew up in it and lived in it from 0 to 16. and have been there on and off my entire life.  I feel like sometimes I get kind of “heavy” there.  I kind of wish my parents had moved haha.  I’m mentionign this because sometiems I get bogged down in parents house.  Basement is a bit different. In other places I feel more buyant and connected. 

like the cool good american beauty chick, with relaxed state!

Hey, another awesome cool thing!  I don’t know if they liked me (Danielle told me to stop being a tool and I asked greg what that meant and he said “socially cliche”, which I really understood.  haha like a british sophistication! ) anyways I think I’m too odd in some ways and knew I’m very “not tool” in some ways and then at other times, very much tool (very socially cliche.  I just thought that was strangely insightful.  I bring it up because I thought of it as evidence thatnot sure if they really took to me all that well. Don’t mention anything to them about that, I don’t care.  Just that’s what thought ).  Very cool.  I liked meeting them. 

About the Doors.  What’s your fave album?  It seems like you have killer tastes in music.  I love that.  I’ve read up and learned about morrison.  Have you?  Honestly, some ofthe doors music is great, but for some reason I really don’t have that much respect for morrison.  He seemed sloppy.  I wrote a mini-paper on that.  But I still thnk you have awesome tastse.  I actually wrote a letter to mick jagger when I thought he was amazing in 2007 haha.

Sexual things that I loved that you did/said
When I was sucking on and loving your breasts, in hindsight I was like WOAH, that might have been WAY too rough, like painful, but you said that feels good, so by saying that “that felt good” to specifically that felt so good to me, it was like “woah” mutual satisfaction sensual fulfilment conenction!

I also loved that hair-pulling thing

One thing that can be slightly unsettling sexually not knowing what a person is comfortable with sexually or “what’s normal” for them.  Or something!  Like I don’t like knowing if a person is more or less sexually experienced than me. 

Another EXTREMELY hot thing that you said is “how do you want me?”.  that consistently turned me on, but it kind of threw me off because I was like what? woah.

you remind me of a woman I gamed with (she’s from australia). haha!

This might sound gross and bordering offensive.  I fear it sounds sleezy, but the intention is just honesty about attraction..  But hey take it as a compliment (hopefully).  I could totally masturbate to you.  Like I’ve been in relationships (sexual ones) and I WOULDN’T have an interest in masturbating to my partner, like the woman didn’t turn me on in that way.  With you , any sexual thought I have now involves you.  Hey I would take it as a compliment if a chick said she masturbated to me (althoguh I guess i would be pretty weirded out about how personal that is, but dang! that would be a compliment).  I hope you aren’t disgusted by that.  It’s pretty personal.  You have NO idea how personally huge and significant that is for me.  I guess it should be a given though right?  LIke being in a relationship with a person with whom arouses you so much that you have sexual-fantasy thoughts and visualizations about them  but I haven’t been in that many relationships where that happens (there’s affection or there’s friendship or there’s attraction but not attraction)..  nice! 

This sounds gross but I bet it’s common, but it’s So amazing to be able to whack off to the woman you’re dating. 

This is SOOO wrong, I shouldn’t be saying that, but hey, in many ways it’s very natural.

Friends with like three extra merediths now haha!  Some of your photos look YOUNG.  I was like wait,…this looks like the meredith I met….is this her younger sister?? umm (but I think you have older photos, tooo. ince!  personal history is awesome.


Continue NLP and coaching book and focus, but amplify physics, electronics, math, possibly app (ipad, android etc)


Possible Cat Names
Felis Catus

Been watching footage of the tsunami and quake of Japan in Marh, 2011 and then the Christchurch, New Zealand earthquake
<iframe title="YouTube video player" width="480" height="390" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/opsiKirDfdE" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>
only a month prior in February, 2011.

Seeing civilization just completely mowed over by Nature like that is an illumianting testament to Nature.  We don’t own physics, plate tectonics, nor the earth.  We can control it at times, but these cataclysmic events (especially the footage of the japanese tsunami just mutiliating in avalanching torrents man-made structures like they were toothpicks) really served a reminder to how we ARE (be it in a city in the rural country on the desert on a moutain or wherever) truly living with Nature in nature.

What’s scary is that global warming has started to take it’s toll.  Textbooks talk blandly and banally of the greenhouse effect and melting icecaps. Well, how could all the recent plate tectonic-shift earthquakes and geological disruption NOT be related to our disruption of the planet? 

I knew this docu would spark a reaction. 
I feel like I’ve been punishing myself with different levels of privielge confdiemetn

I heard an absolute dolt say something like "It shows how powerful god is and we should repent".  It wasn’t "god"; it was plate tectonics.  People uneducated on how things work in the world blindly attribute it to religion.  This is reason why so many sub-average-IQ imbeciles flock to and remain immersed in religious cults.  Secondly, we would be best off reforming by living a more environmentally-friendly life. I also started to think about (joyfully) living in total wilderness as I’ve done a few times and wilderness survival skills.  I like that.  I think we’re better off constantly reminded that we’re living in Nature wherever we are.

I remember this momentous walk http://www.validateyourlife.com/SITES/2007_hijournal/in Hawaii where there was this extremely crisply defined line of a crater aond on one side throngs of builidngs and on the other, pristine nature, I naturally liked the nature side better, but seeing all this tsunami and earthquake footage made realize that even cities are "living in Nature (albeit a more diluted form of it)".

I mean, is cherynobl-like bodily deformations a due consequence of living an overly-civilized life and neglecting that we are guests in the Host of earth and not the other way around?  All of that talk about "delicate planet earth" and "ensuring grand children have a healthy earth home" was really made perfectly clear. 

The planet has been agonizingly moaning and groaning the past two months and in doing so shaking some plate tectonics and causing a little bit of rattling.  Why aren’t people talking more about how, in part, WE caused this; human exploitation of minerals and resources and pollution and geological man-made destruction and deforestaration upset the butterfly effect chaos ramifications of the planet’s balance of Nature, and we indirectly caused this violent and catastrophic upheaval and display of physics, water, and raw planet earth.

A lot of the times I think animals are much better off and more prescient than humans.  Technically, we, humans have a more evolved brain.  Non-human mammals, for instance, possess an R-Complex and a limbic layer of the mind, enabling their brains to function, respectively, for basic physiological systems (circulation, respiration, and the like) funciton and to experience rudimentary emotions like fear, sadness, pain, and happiness.  We have that extra cerebral layer, the neocortex, that enables consciousness. We’re able toe decieve others; disprove and prove others; rationalize and understand and be aware of our emotions; to invent and build immensely intricate and complex creations.  But bees and beavers also invent and build immensely complex structures.  Heck, these ants
have created a complete city, entirely with intricately woven "ant roads".  But the animals that lack that third layer of the mind, the animals possessing only the reptilian brain and limbic system, create and invent and thrive in their own "civilizations" and with their own inventions in a way that’s so much more sophisticatedly in balance with the earth’s equillibrium.  When a bees honeycomb home falls in a storm (as some often do), it doesn’t devastate the surroundings; indeed, few bees are actually even injured in such an event.

Thousands of people in Japan are dead and dying.  Our planetary chaotic negligence indirectly caused the delicate buttery-fly effect equillibrum to be disrupted.  Our "honeycomb home" disrupts everything.  And worse, we’re injured when it collapses (as it frequently does and is, now, collapsing in Japan).  Building is fantastic and integral, but sometimes too much building cripples back on itself for the worst kind of devastation.

So what is the ideal form existence?  Five years ago, I wrote about the Techno-Farm as being the future Zeitgeist.  I still think some symbiosis with high-end technology (pdas, computers, electronics) and nature; very simplified, extremely low energy requirement homes is simultaneously what I personally like the best for living (minimalism, nature, electronics, are all my faves), but also the best for evolution and sustenation for our larger home, our orbitting sphere-shaped rock.

It’s almost like we’ve become so focused on industrial growth and cities and expansion and construction and building (most of which I find truly, obscenely disgusting) that we’ve blinded ourselves to the larger home in which we are already living (earth).  I guess an analogy would  be a room (earth) and in that room some people live in the bathroom (human civilization) of that room (it’s a fairly big room).  But they constantlyexpand and take down walls and add this new feature to the bathroom and this and that and expand that here, that they forgot that they’re in this room and they’ve destroyed the room to make way for their "bathroom".  My analogies are reputedly usually extremely idiosyncratic, but there’s parallels to that odd analogy and human civilization on earth. 
Seeing civilizaitons washed away in a matter of minutes by the force of water, physics, and the geological consequence of plate tectonics (all essential qualities of "Nature" on earth) is truly illuminating (and horrifyingly awakening).  The earth is a boat.  We need to take care of that boat because if holes develop in the hull, we quickly sink. Worse, there already are holes, and while I don’t think "earth is sinking" metaphorically (acutally I dont’ like the metaphor of earth as a boat much, the image of preserve or perish is presented), we could certainly be doing a lot better job of minimzing our impact, leaving no or less trace, and ceasing environmentally-disruptive living.

I mean are those nuclear reactors even necessary?  Are they such an evolution?  They certai

nly are about as catastrophic with their radiation as one can get with consequences of malfunction.



Garmin City Navigator Europe 2011.10 NT == 2204
Garmin Map of Europe Topo v3 == MAPID????   FID: 469


I dont’ think homosexuality exists.  I think and know

3/16/2011___10:52:09 PM##

Watching Solitary confinement docu.  America is SOO stupid. America makes matters worse.  America handles things incorrectlyh; theyh handle things incorreclty; America is INVALID.  80,000 people are in solitary confinement.  Other countries handle reform PROPERLY through small group therapy.  America makes matters worse.  It’s being revolting; america is WRONG

One of the first solitary confinement penitentiaries in philadelpha made people clinically INSAN

E.  It angers and disgusts (and makes me feel trapped) and saddens me that america is so wrong and handles things so poorly, stupidly and incorrectly. compared to other countries that DO handle things properly.



Okay TIL I larned that
woah this is so wild okay you said like "ENOUGH" people have been telling you you’ve been adopted you whole life, well I had thought that at times and stopped doing that and just enjoyed the time with my dad (working in the field, yard, trimming, tractor, work) for like 5 hours and cooked a great dinner with him and felt quality to spend time just with my dad  (but yeah family does feel like a business at times) but that’s why I like michigan so much, feels like family not like a business and not massive stress levels and just healtier and more uplifting and more peaceful for me much more natural living.
TL:DR I was mindful of the "enough of the adopted stuff already’ and just savored spending quality outdoor time and cooking with dad!

A MAjor reason for my admittedly bad fit situation with aparmtents is you guys forced me into them.  Look at the emails areound the time, I didn’t want to move into calabasas

I didn’t want to move into la salle.  I made the best of it because I had no option.  If I had the Option (instead of  being forced to move into an apartment, which was the case of the past, you gave me a March 25 deadline to move out of Santa barbara into an apartment (which happened to be calabasas).  If I had teh CHOICE of moving into an apartment; this would be different.

So I genuinely kind of resent (the admittedly true) fact that I haven’ liked two apartments I’ve been in because the bad fit was a derivative of being forced with a time constraint into them.

That said, this would be the least expensive apartmnent situation, 1/3 the cost of calabasas.  Why don’t we just sign a 3-month lease and move that desk over, a long table, the coffee table; a few things from chicago (of mine) and then if you guys get fed up with me I can always go there. 

I still (and likely never will) understand how me temporarily staying in the cottage (which you pay for) or me temporarily staying in an apartment (which you pay for) is different; they seem incredibly similar.  The only difference is the latter is more of a hassle to setup, but I can modify a few more things (like whiteboard, although I’m sure could hang whiteboard on a wall). 

Also, Please don’t tell me what kind of furniture I need or don’t need.  That would be awesome! You’re already contradicting yourself by saying "it would be your place and you could hang up the white board and do what you want" when you tell me what furnitue I need.  I’d really appreciate it if you’d refrain from what I need or don’t need in regards to some things (like furniture for one).  Thanks a ton!  Furthermore, having a bed in a place that doesn’t already have a bed (like a new apartment) that’s a temporary place to stay (which this is) is just stupid to do (the trouble of getting the stuff there).  I have many more logical reasons, but most importantly, I shouldn’t have to explain why I don’t want or need or do want or need certain furniture.  I’d appreciate it if you’d stop encroaching upon me what you think I’ll want or need. Thanks a ton!

So while I like to think you’re looking out for my best interests I know at times that IS the case, but at other times it is not; you’ve barred me from staying at places in the past (like when I wanted to stay in santa barbara for a week in 2009) and having to get the la salle and calabasas apartments (it’s in the emails, I didn’t want ot move into those from the get-go but made the best beign stuck there).  So this would be different if I had the choice of you guys paying rent for a temporary apartment or me temporarily staying in the loghouse or cottage. I’ve been in the loghouse and kind of quite like that but was willing to may basically because dad said so (which apparently you told him to say?  when you said you "influenced dad"?)  Whatever the case.

Also I’m seriously failing to see the logic in the argument  "Well in your own palce you could hang your whiteboard" there exist dozens of walls in the cottage or loghouse that are perfectly capable of supporting a whiteboard without leaving a mark in the wall.  All I’m seeing really is realy not having permission to hang a whiteboard on a wall in cottage or loghouse and thus having to get a whole apartment just to hang a whiteboard.  Maybe I’m misreading it but that’s what it looks like to me.

What I can’t stand is being forced to do something (like the last two apartments) and being told I can’t do this, I can only do that, and in this way.

Please don’t tell me what type of furniure you think I’ll need.  I appreciate that concern (if that’s what it is), though.

This apartment may be a good thing to get.  It was good taht we didnt’ get the one on st. james as that was almost three times as expensive.
— John

201103Monday, 21 March 201112:28:56 AM–$

If one waits too long, interest wanes, the dream is lost, and life becomes hollow.


Reasons why masturbation is FAIL:
I always feel guilty, shameful, and idiotic afterward
It rarely feels rewarding
it discombobulates a LOT of focus

you’ve asked me the question:
What are your long-term plans
at least 2-4 times so I felt I should address it.

I have a problem with that question because:
I’ve had long-term plans that got foiled and discombobulated.  Some examples were spending more time in the UK, but they made me leave on one occasion and didn’t let me in for another occasion and have had itnerest in being in other places as well but those didn’t work.
I’ve shared with you and dad "long-term plans" on many occasion and, although you were trying to be helpful (and many times succeeded in being of assistance) sharing them was often unpleasant and/or had little impact on their fruition.
I’ve focused too much on long-term plans while in the meanwhile my short- and medium- term living is a mess, so that whole question is incongruent with my experiences.

Secondly, The day after field work I was extremely EXTREMELY sore in forearms and body I was cranky and felt pretty drained and wretched (but it was a good muscle-building soreness I guess) the point is I felt very waspish and it would be best not to interact with me when I’m sore or feeling drained so I think I’ll just say "I’m feeling inhospitably curmudgeonly and want to wane my interactions for a bit" as a kind of code that basically says people are temporarily getting on my nerves and I need some time to myself because feel enervated.  I think everyone should be able to do that when they want or need to so "feeling curmudgeony need time to self" is what I’ll say and I know I’ll feel overwhelmed or sore or something in the future (it would be odd if I didn’t as it’s normal in small doses).

Other questions about apartment (living in that tommy house, the buchanon one or something else)
If it was unberable (wierd smell, too loud, who knows any reason)
Where would furniture I got go (I guess back to 18600)?  Another reason not to get a lot of furniture.

Unlike the la salle and calabasas apartments, if I moved in somewhere (other than cottage or loghouse), I would request and be interested in  your guys’ help for sure (I have done tons of moves, but you guys have done more moving of furniture and are skilled with details of that).  But I stress my disinterest in a lot of furniture.  I like minimalist layouts and even a bed may be "too clutered". A good desk/area, though, is vital for sure. The windowsills in loghouse are perfect height for things.

Also, in regards to rent.
You said "some kids pay their parents rent".  Frankly, I am not certain why you said that but I gathered your argument was I should be grateful for a place to stay at all without rent?? Possibly, and I am (and have expressed a lot of gratitude for that in emails and in person) but did you ever consider that I WOULD PREFER to be in asituation where I could pay you guys rent?  That I actually would feel better about taht?

Logistically, if you guys helped me move into an aparment, mini-hosue, or rooming in that hosue of tommy’s it might be very similar to me living in the cottage. 
I might have more flexibility with some things in a rental though (not sure how keen you’d be on me putting a whiteboard up on a wall) and painting walls of an apartment place might be interesting (something I’ve never done).
Dad commented on the closeness of that house we looked at to the people.  It would be sort of like closeness to loghouse at cottage.

Basically, it seems like it’s up to you guys in regards to the fate of me being in a hosue, rental or roomshare or whatever.  If you don’t want me at loghouse nor cottage, I’ll have to look into another place.

Let’s say (hypothetically) that’s the case.  It wouldn’t be that much of a hassel.  I guess, basically, I’d get a few things of mine from chicago, the desk and coffee table (already in michigan) maybe paint that dilapidated chair and use that and get a chair or two and maybe a couch and some kind of "bedding" (could be a massage table or inflatable thing or one of the beds from room).

FYI for the record, I am more interested in the hosue we looked at or the tommy house than I was interested in calabasas.  True.

Finally, one thing that really perplexed me that I ruminated on a lot was that you said "I influenced dad" (I guess about the cottage permission)…
What does that mean?
Is that an achievement? A recognition?
A self-indictment?

I was stumped on what to do with that and thought it an odd thing to say. What should I do with that information anyway?

Strange because in 2008, dad said he convinced you to do something of something.  I guess it’s pretty normal for people to have an impact on each other at times.

201103Monday, 21 March 20117:14:56 PM–$



Celcius equivalencies

-10  14
+00  32
+10  50
+20  68
+30  86
+40 104
100  354
Sum for memory




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201103Tuesday, 22 March 20119:30:43 PM–$

hey brenda,

Quick update:
I found 4 different-sized contraptions that can use for litter boxes.  I know cats are very (understandably) picky about litter box and litter type (it has to feel like normal outdoor soil for them) so foudn a bunch of alternatives to ensure I get one(s) that fit. 

I also made two cat toys.  They’re pretty ingenious if I do say so myelf and should provide good fun for playing and ensuring they get exercise!

Immersion in Change.  John grew up around change, innovation, and transformation. His parents are business leaders and his biological father not only founded, but annually hosts the Chicago Innovation Awards, a ceremonial event drawing hundreds of entrepreneurs competing for some of the most prestigious awards in business innovation.  Indeed, John has cultivated and grown his own unique, novel, and original strengths and inventions, but it certainly was an asset having parents that tacitly mentored him in expert innovation strategies nearly everyday of his youth.


201103WEDNESDAY, 23 MARCH 20115:21:23 AM–$

Did I send that email on renting tommy house room or other house or cottage?  I know I wrote a ton but wasn’t sure I sent it.

Some more ideas:

if I did do rent (in that 5120 hosue or some room at tommy’s house or whatever) I would DEFINITeLY want your guys help moving in (I don’t want much furniture.  I like minimalism) but it would DEFINITELY be different from calabasas, in that I’d want you guys to visit.  I never invited over at la salle chicago and mom and james showed up in calabasas but those I didn’t want to do and didn’t invite.  This would be if I wanted to (even if you made me get a place) I’d still want your help (if you had time and wanted to, only though) and would want to invite you guys there!  So it woudl be different.  But just a set of ideas.

It should be an "upgrade "from cottage (which is hard to be, frankly)! or loghouse which is fairly impossible to beat.

Hey dad, this is important. When would be an evening where I could call and help you (or mom) find the binocs?  There’s TONS to see out here and I really need those.

No washer and dryer so I would have to transport clothes to loghouse to do laundry (may be same for other places or tommy house).

What I like abou the movie billiot
It’s British.  Love the accents.  Great for voice acting
The protoganist kid is SERIOUS and self-determined and extremely hard on himself and focused and massively self-disciplined, and he does what he wants, but not in some philandering lacksidaisical way, but, rather in this amazingly focused, determined, committed, SERIOUS way that’s something he KNOWS he wants to do.  That’s so awesome.  and inspiring.
Also that the protagonist has body-mind connection.
Man this movie really got me thinking about what kind of people I revere and like. 
Dang I have so much respect for dancers.  Not because so much of "impressive or sexy or masterful body choreography to music" but determination in agility. And the like. Actually maybe, I’m just talking about YOU, ellie, instead of "all dancers" haha. Because i don’t really know THAT many (some, but not that many) dancers.
Also, I guess this kid’s parents provided a LOT of resistance and I cna relate to that with my parents.  BAsically when I see clips of this movie, billie reminds me of me and billie’s dad reminds me exactmly of my biological dad!  (like in the film, billie’s dad thought it was ridiculous and chided his dancing but then understood after about an hour 10 into the film that he really wanted to do it and then fully spot on supported him!) that’s awesome.  Also I like how the movie trivializes war and amplifies performance, dance and bodily clarity.
Do you like change?  Like in your life, ellie?  Like some people really like a lot of change, some can’t stand it?  Random question! haha cheers!
Wow these dances are so much like Kata/forms!!
Also, the commitment billy had to dancing (with auditions, nervousness, etc) reminds me of the commitment I had with acting (auditions, etc) similar intensity.  But when he auditioned he ws nervous (as was I when I went int othe drama program).  I guess I didn’t really have a father as supportive of billie’s at times.  sort of not sure. i know I notice resemblanes between billy and dance and me and acting.
Hey ellie, this may sound weird (does it? I don’t think it’s too weird) but I’d love to go to one of your performances.  I’m in Michigan now and don’t like the city all that much AT ALL (serious!) but, would love to go to the city for a day if it’s for a good cause (and then I’d head back to michigan, good times)!
Do you feel like you "belong" with your current peers?  I’m not judging you, just making an observation…you look different not like you don’t belong but different.  Can you relate to that (maybe different levels of commitment or talent possibly)?!
I totally wouldn’t have liked this film if it wasn’t british!


Bobo Zcuk, was your last name originally Icksramzuk?  It seems you’ve wrestled with a similar dilemma that I (well everyone in this group face).  A surname difficult to pronounce, spell, and remember haah!! I’ve been using a nickname "Kooz" off and one.  Anyways, very interesting bond to see so many with same bizarre last name.  An amazing group connection, really!  There’s even someone with exact same name as my birth name! Bloody heck!! wow.  Yeah, aaron, relation connection?? haha might be a stretch.  interesting!  Yeah I met James and a few others and thought it would be a brilliant b/c if you have the last name, a special membership is well-deserved haha!


If I were not aware of my own viciousness in this response, I would be blind, but I can see, so I’m aware of it.

[quote title=Don In Ky wrote on Sat, 12 March 2011 14:35]Getting people to pay is very easy. You just need to prove your worth, and help them discover they need you. I have clients seeking my expertise, despite not having my certification at this time. They pay me VERY WELL!

Hhmm I REALLY REALLY seriously beg to differ about getting to pay being "easy".  Congrats that you’ve found ease in that, but I have a lot of obstacles (for example, doing free coaching for so long and needing to shift that to business-mode (getting paid, mode) it’s like people know my worth and value but the people I’ve worked with are used to never valuing it enough for pay. 

That said, I like your "prove your worth to discover that they need you" bit. 

I know many well-paid coaches that are uncertified, indeed. 

Well I’ not getting paid very well at all haha. So Am definitely progressing with that which I’ve discovered I’m best off being enthusiastic about instead of being curmudgeonly about.

In fact the way I validate it is people I work with (that 97% of the time don’t pay me via credit, check, or cash) I notice something opens up "in life" that feels like a form of compensation or payment.  But yeah it would be nice to more frequent cash/credit/check payments.


I sense some anger and confusion in your posts, some laced with profanity. Perhaps those are self placed obstacles.


Anger and Confusion. hhmm….as for the profanity that usually coincides with anger at times…but confusion and anger yes Obviously!! At least you aren’t bloody blind!! :roll:  I can also be slightly vicious with words at times.  I think my past confusion and anger is quite justified at parts, but I have a problem with someone just labeling something mystifyingly as "confusion" and "anger", if you could highlight areas where I seem specifically confused or angry I could verify that, but it’s probably wrote.  Not earning simultaneously at times makes me angry and am confused on how to do it.

By the way, no offense, but telling a person that something is "easy" when they’ve been seriously challenged by it…when has that ever really been of assistance?

You must first believe in yourself,

Hackneyed platitude…

not try and convince the world of it. The world will sense your inner doubt.

I’d suggest you also continue/resume with therapy and work through the anger.

I’ve done that.  I’m in a better place…geographically..and emotionally.  A large cause of anger was basically interacting with a lot of wankers who caused many more problems than solutions. 

I never endorsed your advice, dislike it, and pretty much disavow it in addition to finding it revoltingly and pathetically hackneyed, lame, and useless.

There is pain in your life. Perhaps that’s why you move frequently, have attended so many different schools and have had numerous "careers" in your short life.

There most certainly was "pain" in my life.  A lot of that has diminished. 

You’re right about my itinerant life and education, however, and I appreciate that you’ve taken the time to at least superficially, scrutinize some of my personal history.

I don’t know how you will receive this feedback, but it’s straightforward and honest, based on my knowledge of human nature.
well apart from the part where you observed some of my personal history and were straightforward, my reaction is pretty blatant.

Anyways, I have had pain in my life and I have dealt with it in numerous ways but I’ve done more therapy than you (an assumption but almost certainly likely to be a fact) and more than most anyone I know and one of the biggest lessons from that has been been trauma caused by people who are convinced of themselves that they need to tell me that I have a problem or that I have pain or that I have this or that.  That Symptom of others (of which you are most certainly suffering) is precisely one of the most disruptive syndromes in people that I have experienced.  Another massive lesson from all the therapy I have done…is that I’m an anti-psychiatrist (yes there is such a thing) and have become aware of the horrors of the pharmaceutical companies.  Also, although there’s a fine line between therapist and coach, the former is usually toxic.  I would know. 

I’ve spent enough time (again, more than anyone I know) introspectively searching for the "source of my pain" or some problem or something.

But frankly I think the whole notion of telling another person "they’re in pain" to be preposterous!  I didn’t solicit that.  Is this factual?  Did I feel pain in the past at times? Yes. Do I now? No.  Will in in the future? possibly.  Am I better off than I was a few months ago? yes.  Is having a complete stranger (failing) in a very wayward attempt to diagnose my life…of any assistance to me? None whatsoever really.

but that said, the reason why I switched schools was a mix of reasons, but, to correct your invalid hypothesis, it was not pain.  I’ve certainly done some pain-driven actions (as most all of us have), but you know, c’est la vie.  Sometimes there’s pain in life, some people have more of it than others. There’s also a lot of joy and good times as well.  I’m not going to downward spiral focusing the negatives especially when I’m so aligned as of yet.

As far as I know, this is likely just some tactful sales pitch of yours.  One unfortunate thing I’ve realized in my coaching studies (from which I have graduated) is I really genuinely dislike most lifecoaches.  :lol:  8) Frankly, you aren’t an exception to that, but I kind of pity your clients because evidently they pay (from what you said) large amounts to hear fairly useless cliche phrases (again from what you said, e.g. believe in yourself then the world won’t doubt you).  In many ways, people convinced that they know about doubt and believing in yourself have caused me enormous amounts of doubt in the past!

At least we now know that a coach’s earning value amount is not a valid evaluation, and is often incommensurate with, his or her actual competency and value.8O

But just to go along with this, suppose you’re right, suppose I shifted around a lot because of (this ambiguously defined concept of) pain, then what?? Identify the cause of the pain.  Why wouldn’t have I done that already?  I would have.  I know what you’re doing, you’re trying to delude a person into thinking that they’ve taken actions because of "x problem" and that then you can solve that problem, if this is the schematic you have for all your clients, you’re leaving them more distorted than before.

To be honest and straightforward (and offensively generalized): some people cause pain.  True. some Americans cause me a lot of pain.  religion has caused A LOT of disruption, pain, suffering, anger, and confusion (thus, atheism, which I discovered in 2009, has been, and always will be, a very welcome salvation).  I dislike much of the usa and the people in it; fortunately, Im’ in a place in the usa that amazingly I very much like!!!  YippEE!!. A generalization but a true utterance.  There, like you, are a lot of toxic people. Gotta do best to stay away from ’em and simultaneously connect with uplifting people…which fortunately, recently, is precisely what I’ve been doing and the effect has been very uplfting!

Also, let me be frank with you, if you HAVEN’T moved around a lot in life, allow yourself to investigate if THAT LACK of itinerancy was preciously because of pain from which you suffer. 😆

I also would like to invite you to look at yourself and consider that possibly your interest in seeking out and then deliberately pointing out problems in others is merely psychological projections and symptomatic of your own problems. The logical sequence of this is you, yourself, feel broken, and you delude yourself from that "brokenness" but observing anger or confusion or pain in others.  And then identifying that in others, prevents you from addressing your own obstacles.

I mean seriously!! Do you see some of the most uplifting and happy people going aroudn finger-pointing at others telling them they live in anger, confusion, and pain?  You don’t, you just don’t see that!  Because uplifting and actually clear people are connecting with people that bring them up; they don’t waste time finding flaws in others.

Oh!  😡 Another lesson I learned from years and years of therapy is that many shrinks are some of the most lost and broken people (there exist exception, but unfortunately for that industry, they are mere exceptions) around haha.  Certainly someone not with whom to invest time.

But that said, I HAVE done a large variety of schools and careers. That’s a fact. And although your ambiguous generalization of that variety being caused by "pain" is incorrect, I appreciate your acknowledgement of that.
let’s see:
SEA because I liked oceanography
edu psych ucsb because I was near ther at the time
lse because of uk interest
differnt jobs because of region-based location or doing something just for money or something just because I like it (not for money) etc. so really pain is not part of that equation.
So yeah I’d say "pain" was a partial factor at times, but I’d also have to add intelligence, varied interest, not knowing my strengths and talents (And finding those out), have an internal and external (from some family and people) high demand for success, and selectivity of the people with whom I interact.

I don’t really care for people who make condemning sweeping judgments about a person’s life (especially if they’re incorrect).

I’m doing voice acting, blogging, authoring, and now coaching.

btw your site link didn’t redirect for some time and it’s design seems (although meager in content) functional.

Anyways, cheers.  I guess hopefully, we won’t meet again! 😀

That said, jolly good, and good day.


For the sake of completion and because It got me musing on this I decided to attempt to dissect rationale and potential causes of multiple careers and schools (I have grades from 4 undergrad colleges) and a degree from one:

[B]Intelligence and a variety of interests[/B]- I understand the school system, dislike playing the "grade game", am self-motivated and primarily invested in my own projects.  This is a good thing.  Many highly intelligent people did not mesh with school.  I did okay with grades (as and bs) but the shifting of schools reflected my dissasisfaction with a lot of school systems.

[B]Some disorder[/B] — like schizophrenia, disocciative identity disorder, or "generalized pain".  I’m ruminated on this a great deal and conclude that’s an invalid hypothesis (as do shrinks, but their opinion is negligible).  Besides even if it were true, condemning oneself with such a label would be toxic.

[B]Not acknowledging acting interest[/B] — A lot of the stuff I’ve done (in 2001, in 2008) was full-on commitment to acting.  although I don’t have the career-earning backing to confirm it, and I genuinely do have additional interests…but if I am an actor, then just "doing thigns" (actions) would be a way for satisfying acting in a way and indeed if someone was acting and didn’t acknowledge that that’s what they were doing, then it would likely involve a variety of fields, subjects, scenarios, and the like.  But the scams and sludge I encountered (at least on west coast) with acting-related things were not my cup of tea. voice acting isa genuine interest though.

[B]not knowing what I like / not knowing strengths, etc[/B] — very possible.

[B]Having unsupportive people at the wrong times, and lacking supportive people at the crucial times [/B]– that would create anger, confusion, and kind of scattered experience for any person and admittedly I had that emotional malnourishment at times, unquestionably!

but this isn’t a woe is me contest haha!
But about the confusion.  Am I confused about some things?  Incredible!!!  Am I clear on some things?  Again, incredibly so!

It’s these wretchedly humdrum and insipid utterances of "I sense…" I sense…(insert random problem)
I sense….distraught.
I sense….yearning.
I sense….doubt.

Is what’s so bloody toxic.  I’ve squandered many an hour hearing someone say "I sense…..whatever" and ruminating and wondering what angle "whatever" was negatively effecting my life and whether it was or wasn’t is beside the point b ecause of the time lost distracted by unnecessary doubt.

Also another mindful (and if I do say so myself, quite wise) comment:

Anger and confusion are not always bad things.

Confusion precedes understanding.

And anger is better than depression, often a first stage in getting unstuck in a problem as well. 

[B]On the Topic of Earning[/B] Also, I just wanted to point out. "Earning" is a VERY freakishly  8O  😮 sensitive issue for me. Why? Because I’ve done practically NONE of it.  I work nonstop with obscenely offensive hours (writing projects, voice work projects, web projects,coaching stuff) etc.  I’ve gotten so used to not getting paid for ages and years, that earning I’m pretty much (on some level) would be so different (and I don’t want the "Well welcome to a new experience encouragement" rubbish) that it may be frightening. 

One reason why i’ve done so many jobs is because I don’t bloody earn in some of them or like other lines or work much better. 

i’ve earned (I won’t detail how much because it’s EMBARASSINGLY pathetically minute amounts) doing
hosting a restaurant
surf instruction
marvel marketing
IT web design and networks etc
serving in a bakery
career consultant
(I might be missing a few)

but the total amount earned in all those is LESS than the total amount I’ve earned from stocks which still isn’t that much.

Out of all the people from my graduation college class (of roughly 500) I’m convinced I’ve earned the least.  I’ve earned so little and seemingly done tons of work (I like work.  I like the feeling of productivity (and again, I don’t want to hear drivel about changing the type of productivity so it earns, because the type of work I do I a)have changes a lot and 2)is meaningful). 

Anyways I’ve earned so litle "currency money" that I’ve had to invent this concept of other types of currency like Thoreau "the reward for a job well done is to have it done" (mabye that’s emerson)  and in many ways that’s the case.  doing work is often more rewarding than other things and work and play lines are blurred( this can be positive).

But yeah, I’ve done a lot of amazing things some of which are not possible without a lot of "currency money" so I attribute good work to something (but my bank account says otherwise haah). 

I’ve had TONS of dialogues with people about earning. The biggest lesson from those (of which I might finally be realizing) is all the earning books I read and advice I got provided no solution!!

  So I just keep working nonstop, which is rewarding.  And the best thing I can think of doing. and actually, the most reasonable, and practical thing TO do (and yeah, I supplement that with coachign and nlp and meditation and all that taking bearings stuff ot ensure the work I do is aligning and it is!!!) very much so!!

All THAT said, Idef get by without much earning (very optimally in many ways!) and still like the Star Trek economy where money doesn’t exist.  It’s simply a nonexistent entity.  I think that’s probably about 50-60 years off.  All the more reason to be doing work that I LIKE (that’s REally hard and challenging and meaningful, but, enjoyable and rewarding) NOW, regardless of currency-pay!

I won’t go into all the business I tried to (and sometimes did) start

but that said, yeah, I don’t have much relationship with getting paid in currency-money HAHA! hhm most the stuff for currency-pay is rubbish though so it doesn’t bother me that much, but I’ve also had to live with that for a decade.

not earning currency-pay-dollars-pounds has been a large part of my life for a long time. and that fact has coincided with doing enormous amounts of prolific writing, voice work, coaching, and other work.

I feel like I need WAY more time alone.  Seeing parents two weekends in a row (last weekend dad this weekend BOTH) is WAY WAY overload.  I feel drained.  Seeing them once per month…that is pefectly doable and almost I ‘d go as fa as to say helathy, but BLOODY F’ing hell.  I feel wetched. I like being alone.  I LIKE alone-time. c’est vrai!!  so there’s that AND then there’s wkfing….I think about it prb at least once per day but I can’t do it. the consequences are like SEVERE discombobulti (I theorize, and think this is true) from bioparents and being battered around emotionally and this is what fmaily cult does they make one two be an enemy and then swap so if biomom feels liek enemy then tdk will be enmey to confuse you.  best to trust NEITHER….ever eally .jsk doesn’t care about me.  ALSO.  I get paid 1/10th the amount (MATHEMATICALLY precisely) 1/10 the amount of the average-wage employees of my dad.  MOREVER, our education costed 1/3 the amount of his average pay employees.  He hasn’t done that much AT ALL for my brothers and I!! HE’s not that generous AT ALL.  The fact that they’re so finanically generous to me (and brothes in past) IS A gastronomical delusion.  Yes tehre was some generosuity but the magnitude of that generosity is MASSIVELY inflated!! bloody hell.  This is liberating because it diminishes this sense of "i owe them".  mabye they OWE me!!! lol  I SO hate having to meet with them every 7 days THAT feels imprisoning and draining.  I DO NOT want to do that regularly bloody hell.  feel groggy, depressed and irritiable. I REALLy feel there’s a part of me that’s like ….bloody hell…if bioparnets show up then the palces is INFECTED. i liked aus so much because bioparents had never set foot there. i know that’s irrtioanl but it feels that way bloody hell.  trying ot envision if all this was mine…lolz I’d discard some of it but not much. chicago I’d fucking sell piece of shit. well yeah actually lol would rent a place to keep place thee and fucking sell that dump bioparents could live in palm tree.  i’d also discard 60% of all (ideally 87% of all the garabe junk) bloody hekc  my parents accumulate clutter LIKE NO other.  I have cat stuff

house stuff — vacuum ,mop, whiteboard, one putfeetuptable, water thingie, velcro, door hanger, one computer chair, one recliner chair, one bed, one computer desk, one kitchen table, some chest of drawers or PREF shelves,  detergent, MINMIAL book stuff, rags, windex, exercise elastics, plunger, stapler, scissors, tape, few pens,
kitchen stuff -pots, pans, silverware, chopsticks, toaster, pyrex, mug, non-breakable cups
food — fish, tofu, vegetabls, cooking oil, olive oil, butter, milk, baking packets, prince pasta, pasta roni risotto, pasta roni pasta, coca cola, dr. pepper, ginger ale, ORANGES,
hygiene stuff — hair dryer, vitamins, tootrhbrush paste, soap, gel, lotion, deodorant, qtips, soy protien powder
clothes stuff — undershirts, underwear, long pants, shorts, collared, suits, dress shirts, shoes, socks, exercise clothes, swim jammers, googles, music hting, flipper,s snorkel, mask
travel stuff — briefcase, backpack, foldover suitcase, normal suitcase, small suitcaste, other duffel bags, space pen
electronics stuff -solar, learning electories, gps, rechraabel batteries, chargers, kindle, ereader, computer, software disks, keybar,d mic recorder, camera, mouse, game pad, maybe flatscreen, maybe ps, calculator
hiking stuff — tent, thermarest, hiking pad, headlamp, pocketknives, gaitors, flint, hiking mug, trowel, shovel, machete,
cat stuff — litter, food, bowel,s litter bin, scratch post, condo, toys, tasty food, tuna, vaccination shots,

possibly — dog stuff — leash, bowls, cleaning shampoo, treats, food, poop bags, tick kit
aqua stuff =-
that’s about it!! Why consolidating, because may have to move and I like knowing BARE minimum. indeed I NEED all that stuff because tried to live without it and had to buy new rubbish so that’s bare minim. GOOD TIMES!

what’s NOT on the list
tons of furniture — one computer chair, one recliner, one bed, one computer desk, one kitchen table, SIMPLE AS!!!!!!!
washer and dryner
tons of clothes

regullary take ALL that out and CLEAN, keeps things minimzied GOOD.

Why my old clothes situation on chicago was bloody toxic.  I had like 14 collared shrits and 5 uits.  enough said. I haven’t worn a suit in over a year. and I were like 2 collared shirts different per week MAX.  I at most need like 5 collared shirts and ONE barely used suit! So 1/3 shirts, and 1/5 suits. the prob is the two nice suits I got for graduation (both grey, one hickey freeman) AND the one three-piece I LIKE AND then interest in getting a light weight or beish THREE piece ftw!  I LOVE three pieces.  two toehrse were gifts bUT NICE qual suits dd-d-dd-dang! but I feel simpler, lighter, smoother, SSAFER less like "oh shit whate do I wear" isntead i Juust put on clean clothes when I need to when have 2 collared shirts, underweare, pants, socks, SIMPLE!!
goot tstu f though.  IT would be good to kepe all that stuff coneno

because if I had all that stuff together, then…well dang… moving wouldn’t be scary really!! it woudl be quite simple.  I CAN"T stand equally: moving without enough and having to buy similar (like needing to buy plunger and that makes me thinko plunging my cock in pussy I DISLIKE how sex infects rubbish bloody fucking hechll) AND mvonig with TOO much. I did both in calalb moved with TOO much and not enough . rUBBISH.  I don’t like breakable silerwer INDEED!

things that bioparents do that annoy me
tell me i’ll need to buy thins that 1)I can’t aford 2)don’t need (e.g. washer and dryer)
tell me I’ll need to get things that will induce clutter: BLOODY FUCKING HELL that FUCKED UP calabaas indeed! FUCKING HELL they aren’t living in it. THEY don’t furnish it!! DONE AND DONE!!

the thing I like about michigna is rural, NOT cool (but it’s safe, fun, welcomnig, NATURAL, no posers, people jsut living on terrain = SAFE!)

Laird is a SERIOUS dude. Serious+ people usually seem to think they were born to do something (#observation. http://bit.ly/gZTRAN #surf


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