Dorney Jr. is a highly-talented actor, but as Sherlocke Holmes in the hollywood production of hte film he was poorly cast and didn’t do his character justice.  I was disgusted and repulsed by the smatterings of the hollywood version of Sherlocke Holmes that I saw.  This BBC version, however, is wonderfully cast.  The usage of real london is brilliant. The Holmes actor is VERY well cast, a twinge too effeminate (Holmes needs to be slightly more rustic) but has the “intellectual momentum, fluidity, and acceleration” that Holmes has.  John Watson is magnificently cast and played and easily the best actor in the entire scene.  But holmes (whom is a VERY hard character to play) is well-cast and well-played.

Problem at first was the “questionable character” of holmes with the very annoying police officer woman saying he was a psychopath and warning watson and then moriarty warning watson.  This was NEVER in the book.  So the deviation from non-canon doyle (which was an unnecessary deviation.  the deviations to improvise for the 21st century were extremely clever) was completely disappointing and aggravating.  This was resolved as lestrade said he was a great man and ultimately the questionable character evolved into “controversial, but trustrworthy” character.

I was definitley impressed with the usage of some of holmes antics from the book (in one short story it was the scratches on a wind-up watch instead of a mobile texting phone that revealed the drinking habits of it’s owner).  The bizarre warped cabbie was clever and might have been in some story.

I thought it was well cast, fairly well done.  Some things were unnecessary (the questionable character sub-theme).  Having primarily only all british actors was ESSENTIAL.  Absolutely essential.  I think moffat wrote some dr. who stuff and I think I remember NOT liking his dr. who stuff, but this was fairly okay.  I still think Basil Rathbone is the best holmes though.  with the combo of WELL-played nad cast watson and the vast momentum of this, it comes close.

Also, I liked the introduction moriarty and would’ve been open to appearances from him now and then but felt ne needed to be heftier (he was a much bigger build in doyle canon) and simply less prevalent (he was in roughly 4 short stories total).

11/11/2010 03:09:17 ##—$

AMNESIA dark descent

Liked how frickin’ scary it was. Liked how it ALL wove together nicely.  the amnesia was a forgetting potion dranken by protagaonist daniel to forget all the atrocities and murder tha alexander convinced him to do.  The orbs opened a portal to hell prob chased by hell shadow.  needed torture victims for anguished blood for orb ritual.  all the orb things were were discroveres around it.

DID NOT LIKE the 6 torture rooms THOSE were WAY too gross the sawing, burn cow, stretch crank, wheel, impaler, and iron maiden were SO fucked up. and unnecessarily disturbing.  Towrads the end of the game the torture and hell got a little to nauseating.

would’ve liked explanation of water thing and monsters (what were all those mosnters areound)

UNQUESTIONABLY the scariest game EVER played.

I like the simplicity of controls and how sections closed off when done and the sanity/health meters and I liked not being abel to kill enemeis.  a VERY different game in that sense.  even in stealth games you can kill enemeis but this is not stealth just hiding. haha. it’s SCARY.  it’s jolt (loud noise).  insidiously scary…so fucked up.

verne visualizes a moving metric progress bar of A1, A2, A3, C, S1,S3 and when the bar moves up he knows and when the indicator progress bar moves forward he understands and if it drops he sees that too.  He’s alwyas aware of progress. Verne does nothing for passion.  it’s all progress and he always can measure his current progress.

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also thought about saying to tdk could you please stop measuring the med and job and career stuff? Youv’e said that a lot repetively and it’s slightly annoying but more importantly, whatever encouragement you’ve attempted to give hasn’t been very effective has it.  So I’d appreciate if you’d just not do that. thanks.

a really annoying biop prob is they always say this idiotically unhelpful advice over and over again like “take meds and then you’ll get a job and it will happen! blah blah blah.” its annoying and incredibly ineffective. that advice hasn’t really been working eh.

Reply

anothing thing I realized is I think I feel like a LOT of the expenses I made in past few years like “weren’t fully me” like some phil crazy person doing tons of roadtrips and spending SMALL mini purchases like coffee and snacks and small purchases adn flights to places.  But what I like doing is spending VERY littel and then HUGE purchase (like awesome cutting edge rad computer yes TRUE!!! ) or even BETTER spending very little and savhing HUGE amounts.  that makes me feel most clear focused and connected for sure. it’s because I felt panicked in usa. usa fucks with me.  I feel safe around aussies. TRUE!!! That’s TRUE!.  so I was like i trust amellite,he’s and aussie. I gotta share this lol so just sharing it, you don’t even have to do anything was important for sure. thanks again heap mate. kind of like milton erickson but way clearer cleaner haha my mom DOES have ocd with checking doors adn everything wow. dang it’s really annoying after awhile. i think after awhile it becomes easier to say and speak one’s mind than to keep it to self. but that’s the thing!! THIS IS IT!! I feel like in Philleas-mode, philleas will acheive things only if he speaks his mind.  but Verne doesn’t have that fear and can just achieve what he needs just by focusing on goals and not giving a fuck about other people. I have more control with verne.  In BGS if phil sees 1 horde and it’s 1v1, I get scared with phil.  If I’m on verne, verne thinks “prey” haha or at the very least, some encounter he can easily avoid or control or win the 1v1 encounter. there’s no fear with veren.  I have more contorl with verne.  I’m happier with verne! haha. LOL. I’m breaking up with phil and connecting with verne side of me haha!! no, still will keep phil side prob idk idk I’m sorting this out have bottled up so much stuff. i think it’s some people worki things out OUTSIDE by talking outloud (and I do that or the philleas part of me does) sometimes chicks might be attracted ot that or annoyed by it LOL idk but those pople are always honest because they say everything. honesty/dishonesty doesn’t even factor into teh equation haha! awesome! I CONSTANTLY have this fear of people stealing my “moneY ‘like my intellectual money or clairty money on philleas. TRUE. REALLY funny one MAke a ton of gold and tell NO ONE, or tell people and then have to be a jerk who doesn’t give anyaway. that’s ONLY two ways to accumulate gold. Remember that discussing we had haha!!  I think you told people and they may have asked you?  festo, deathina, guilds…I earn gold like 5 times slower than you. you earn it SOOOO fAST!! but I’ve just kept amount quiet it’s you prob have more in your guild bank lol but good times hehe i think it’s simple.  I’m not a hunter. LOL.  I started hunter guild have tons of awesome player friens that are hutners, but I’m not a hunter. too spread out. also, i relaized I’ve helped out SOOOOOOO money fucking frickin people bet it leveling, gold tips, starting guild tips (pureambe) etc etc. and so much and in RL with career.s  it’ll be fricking ABOUT TIME some people helped me out with career, goldearning, gear, good tims, fun, relaxing, peace, SUCCESSFUL career, good tiems SWEET! On Sat, Nov 21, 2009 at 1:10 PM, blankjo Thomas Kooz <validatelife@gmail.com> wrote: amellite-mate, I’ll try to keep this one short(er) LOL.  Did you know that I tried to major in communications in college?  I think for the longest time I WAS trying to speak/type everythign on my mind.  So when you said “you say everything on your mind” that was a HUGE HUGE compliment!! Wow!!  Seriously!! Also, I want to modify that.  I DON”T SPEAK everything on my mind, but usually eventually “type” everything on my mind haha.  I feel safer typing things than saying them so i don’t get punched or hurt or deal with many of people’s reactions. behind the  buffer of computer it feels safer. Also, I may try to speak more of my mind and type it less maybe. Anyways, that’s why I wrote you those long messages because basically I was like OMG I’m freaking out!! I don’t know what’s going on in my life I don’t have income, career, gf, life, i don’t trust my bioparents they feel unsafe, abusive, and defeating, and I just needed to share what I was thinking/feeling with someone I trusted and I trust amellite (you) !! LOL true!! So honestly, mate, I think just me Sharing the msgs was what mattered most.  You always have best reactions MOST MASSIVELY helpful .  HEY!! you used my word “massive” when described the emails HAHA!! I’ve used so many of your words : “heaps” etc etc.  But yeah yeah, mate, seriously do not feel like you need to be a shrink or anything don’t feel like you need to do anything with them.  I was just panicky and was “like shit shit shit who do I trust I need to share this with someone i’ve been keeping it bottled up for too long” and your’e someone I trust so. hehe kk awesome man. phil/blankjo/verne haha! ————————————————————————————————— ————————————————————————————————— November 27, 2009 — 10:22 PM Strategies shape the direction and umbrella of tactics used. Tactics are “modular” meaning one tactic can be used in a variety of different strategies. For example in chess (the best example of astrategies and tactics in my opinion), the skewer and discovered attack “tactic” can both utilized in a “center-controlling offense” strategy or a “back-rank mate attack strategy”. ————————————————————————————————— ————————————————————————————————— November 27, 2009 — 10:53 PM Going all Vegan Subjects I LOVE Eating Vegan.  So much more digestive time for the foods I enjoy, savor, and that are healthiest. Best of all, nothing I eat feels heavy or burdensome. But I’m interested in taking that a step further with intellectual studies. So what subjects are definitely “vegan” — light, healthy, savory, and uplifting, and which subjects are definitely “not-vegan”. Definitely Not-Vegan Political Science Drama Acting Self-help books Religion (the epiblanktoe of eating dirt and animal fat). All those are obviously heavy, burdensome, take you know where, make you feel like shit, and are a total waste of time; the definitely non-vegan subjects are crippling and disgusting. Unfortunately Likely Not-Vegan Chess Computers Magic Fictional LIterature NLP Anti-Persuasion NLP is too non-scientific.  Soem fictional literature is amazing, but it’s not true.  Computers are light, but loopy, and unlike math which is direct, computers is really repackaged kind of more “political math”.  Magic is just illusions that are most fun debunked, besides physics offers some of the most amazing and TRUE astonishing feats possible.  Chess is a tough one because I like it so, but, alas, it seems to have too many parallels to political science unfortunately.  I hate political science.  Chess is a tough one to deal with because a part of me really likes it.  It’s cool to win games at chess, such an ancient game, one of the most ancient!  Chess might acceptable at times.  Anti-persuasion is just pre-emptive to avoid even worse non-vegan material. Definitely Vegan Math Classical Music Neuroscience Botany All those are UNQUESTIONABLY light, lucid, direct, forward-moving, easy to apply to life (equations you work out and can instantly check, all the neuroscience is relative to your own body, and classical music you apply on an instrument!).  They’re fulfilling and forward-moving! Maybe by eliminating the all Not-Vegan material, the three Definitely Vegan subjects will expand and I will discovery all kinds of hosts of exciting reads! Mingling less and less with the Unfortunately Not-Vega stuff will be liberating and make me feel safer in life because I’l be “feeding my mind” healthy, truly, safely material!! And then just as with veganism, once I’ve got an all vegan intellectual diet, I can just safetly eate as much as I want of the “vegan subjects”!! SWEET! ————————————————————————————————— ————————————————————————————————— November 27, 2009 — 11:55 PM GREAT hiking food dried bananas dried fruit almonds (of all kinds) oranges apples SOUP SOUP SOUP YUM!!! protein powder I came to the somewhat comforting (because at least I knew where a home is) and unsettling (because I wasn’t home) realization in November of 2009 that as I lay in the bed in the house that I lived in from 0 to 16, that I wasn’t at home.  428 Roslyn wasn’t a home.  Even more shocking, Illinois wasn’t my home state; and usa was a foreign country.  I instantly realized I am a foreigner in the usa.  Sure, my passport says usa citizen, but I knew I wasn’t american.  I don’t belong here;  I haven’t belonged here for almost a decade. Ever since I first went to europe, I knew I wasn’t american.  I identified and had too many connections with those other countries and so few ties with america to even remotely consider myself american.  I’m european, I’m australian.  Being in america might as well feel as foreign as being in China. I WORK BEST at night!!!!  I feel in control at night.  TRUE!!! Soemtimes.  well moreso than during day. cs bs g ss 5pt-KS bs g ss (optional: kick) EVISC 11/17/2009 there’s no fucking way that you’re going to DUMP me in some other apartment like you did the past 2 and a half years.  TWO and a HALF YEARS!!   you don’t want to live with me? well, why the fuck would I want to live you you bullying people? but I don’t have the option not to right now, do i?  Did you treat james like shit, too, constantly saying “we don’t want you living here”? and you know why else that’s so fucked up? is because you’re a rich person who has tons of houses and is so rich that you PAY for me to not be in them.  that’s extremely distorted.  When I get an “apartment” next it will be on some dorm campus or in conjunction with a job.   I’m not going to go sit in an apartment cell without a job as YOU made me do for 2.5 years. It’s really funny that you said keeping the old la apartment flyers is irrational because I had been keeping them as token reminders of how unpleasant that experience was and YOU made me endure that experience, just like you’ve slaughtered and mutilated and caused trauma for many years of my life. until I get my stuff together and figure out the next step (applying to school etc.) I can do things so that you can enjoy all your stupid million houses, but I think i’ve been trampled on enough.  some ideas are I could move back to the basement if that would be better/easier/quieter if you wanted. i’m always accommodating. it’s so disgusting that you keep telling me to get an apartment for SOOOO many reasons:

1. it’s not like there’s a lack of space 5 people living in a one room area.
2. you telling me to get an apartment is SOOO richly evidential that you don’t give a sHIT about me having a career nor life (that’s obvious on multiple dimensions now) but just want me away from you, out of your hair.
3. in the past 2.5 years that you shoved me in a penitentirary, that seriously stalled my life.
4. I have ZERO income.  I can’t afford an apartment.
5. EVERY person I know who doesn’t have a job lives with their parents.  (multiple examples)
6. many other reasons.

you know what the truth of the matter is?  When you realize that I’m not open to being bullied, when I’m not making myself vulnerable so you can humiliate, ridicule, and emotionally abuse and instigate me, you get bored and want me out .  so basically if I am not your prey, I can’t stay.  As far as I can see it that’ your mantra, and I’m not being some idiot who gets trampled on. And also, this is absolutely retarded because you suggest to “keep thigns” and in reality i’m keeping things and storing thigns much more efficiently and int detail it’s so obvious from subtle body language, to comments, to everything that you look at me as an enemy. BOTH you and mom.  that is so incredibly lucid and clear. we might just have to face up that after me trying to escape and hide from you and you trying to shove me in penitentiaries for 2.5 years that as uncomfortable as it may be, there might be a need to have to cope living in same vicinity until I get my life back that you stole. And additionally, you havE NO GRASP OF MY REALITY.  true.  Especially regarding furniture.  I don’t feel bad at all that I couldn’t sell a lot of that furniture.  do you know why? because i think your equation for “Dealing iwth me” is 1)get blankjo a box to live in 2)put furniture in box.  Guess what I hate most furniture, don’t use it, consider it absolutely retarded.  So that entire malibu canyon apartment experience was infested wtih crap that got dumped in it which I never wanted. i think this odd inclination stems from how many houses you’ve furnished, you like doing that or something, i don’t know. there’s a lot of junk rubbish that you forced on me (apartments and furniture come to mind) that I never wanted that just ended up being a waste of YOUR money. why you continued to do that I have no idea? would you feel safer never having to see blank and blank again? HELL YES. Do you feel lost? yes. angry? yes. do you like your stupid fuckwad belligerent, insidiious, orewellian mindcontrolling corrupt evil parents sending you crap suits of yoru fathers?? FUCK NO I hat ethat. this is a BAD house, corrupt, evil, dad, UNSAFE office it’s not a house.  blank and blank are strangers do you feel stuck with teh clothes? yes I ‘d like to eliminate some from this stuicase but somethign is stalling me. do you think having these clutter problems is related to you dickhead abusive, bullying parents?  unquestionably can you think of how they cause you to have clutter?  no but I know it’s intertwined. December 8, 2009 — 5:43 AM i mooch off them because they never provided love and just are brainwasher dickehads. how can you dissilve whatever it is that’s causing you to keep unnecessary clutter? pretend bioparents and blankjm and blankjion.  blank is a dimrod!! he’s an idiot!!   he wastes your time. He is an IDIOT!!   SERIOUSLY.  he’s like NOT very smart AT ALL hahhaha!!  NExt time he ewansts to try to steal money from you which he did this evening  DO NOT let him SERIOUSLY. STUNLOCK the bastard!! LOL. END MISC FROM GDOCS November 17, 2009 — 3:37 PM I missed the free character move FAIL!!!!!! FUCKING SHIT THAT sucks ass I soo wanted to fully relocate well I’d just move philleas now thtat I realize  will deliete othe rwow cahrs i’ve MISSED playing wow.  wow is was my life.  and I don’t have one in rl.  i have more of a life in wow. rl i not really all that fun. i am scared to go do things in rl TRUE.  TRUE AS. so if i get all the  clothing to 3 and 6 and everything cleaned out of 428 and everything cleaned out of aguora hills…and a new laptop and everything rubbish sold and no confusion on what keeping, discarding, and selling.. THEN WHAT?  then youd be in a better financial situation, feel healthier, and fuck this abysmal self-help crap. I learned the lesson. when somethign works PERFECTLY COINCIDENTALLY like the faction change lol like the realm transfer to THAURISSIAN DO IT.  ffs DO AIT!! Make that happen , KNOW what’s a definite finite non-infinite few weeks time window and make that happen!! That WILL happen in life in the future. SEA was like that. did the boat suck ace yes!! Did the shore rock?? YEs.  was it a definitel time window and you would’ve missed shore? YES. but I seized that.  I need to be on thauraisn DATH IS FAIL. henryhunter and SMART guys are on thaurissna ffs! ————————————————————————————————— ————————————————————————————————— tearcryjoy. watched wow orig opening cinematic. i am unquestionably unwaveringly Alliance.  biofam IS horde true. what else is alliance? astronaut is. physics is.  SWIMMING is alliance.  TRUE!!!!!!!!!!!! Drinking is both.  sex is both.   wilderness is both. SWIMMING IS ALLIANe.    Miner is undead horde or troll. what else is alliance? astronaut is. physics is.  SWIMMING is alliance.  TRUE!!!!!!!!!!!! Drinking is both.  sex is both.   wilderness is both. SWIMMING IS ALLIANe.    Miner is undead horde or troll. Why am I alliance and biofam is horde? blank is red, fat, abusive, he’s a tauren. blank is a that other thing the blood elf i think. blank might be alli blankjs is definitely HORDE a troll. blankjm is now hore, a blood elf. I AM unwaveringly alliance. how is that?  I am blue i like blue, i’m clear, I am gOOD.  GOOD.  I do swimming I am clean, horde is sloppy. alliacne is sblanktorwinc connected Why am I alliance and biofam is horde? blank is red, fat, abusive, he’s a tauren. blank is a that other thing the blood elf i think. blank might be alli blankjs is definitely HORDE a troll. blankjm is now hore, a blood elf. I AM unwaveringly alliance. how is that?  I am blue i like blue, i’m clear, I am gOOD.  GOOD.  I do swimming I am clean, horde is sloppy. alliacne is sblanktorwinc connected what else is alliance? astronaut is. physics is.  SWIMMING is alliance.  TRUE!!!!!!!!!!!! Drinking is both.  sex is both.   wilderness is both. SWIMMING IS ALLIANe.    Miner is undead horde or troll. Why am I alliance and biofam is horde? blank is red, fat, abusive, he’s a tauren. blank is a that other thing the blood elf i think. blank might be alli blankjs is definitely HORDE a troll. blankjm is now hore, a blood elf. I AM unwaveringly alliance. how is that?  I am blue i like blue, i’m clear, I am gOOD.  GOOD.  I do swimming I am clean, horde is sloppy. alliacne is sblanktorwinc connected ————————————————————————————————— —————————————————————————————————November 17, 2009 — 6:08 PM the comptuer crashed again.    Ithink going to apple sturroe awiteoiui g ANother huge realization I’ve had to play prince of persian and video games to disconnect from hwo wretchedla painful bo fam has been but on teh upswing I have also made great friendships that I LOVE in video games MMOs I think I’ll get a 15.4 4gb 250gb+ HD computer yes.  mabye from apple store maybe ust look at apple then order refurbished yes!! dB is a fag and maybe HE IS ADRIIN!! Do I care? No. that’s fucking hot!! And good and db is great. i d on’t care.  I lik bug jugged massive titted voluptuou fucking HUGE TITTED WOMEN oh yes.  but considering that adriin likes dudes that’s wierdl y refereshign hehe. I love FUCKING HUGE JUGGS YEAAY AND HOT fucking hot pronlike nerd woman yes sorto fo like erika alvarez sort of.  nerdiness is awesome and huge juggies!!!!!! YIPPEE.  and th fact that adriin likes guys is Rockin awesome!! because no competition haha and refershign and I LIKE that about adriin. TRUE!! ————————————————————————————————— ————————————————————————————————— November 17, 2009 — 7:47 PM the comptuer crashed again.    Ithink going to apple sturroe awiteoiui g realized I need to just had BIG WKF thoguth about DONITA dunes. sounds like daneka!! but I MUST get 15.4 1699 refurbished HUGE pgradwith cPU 2.66-1.16=0.50 ram 4gb-2bg=2gb HD  320-200= 120gb upgrade HUGE graphics card upgrade tHAt’s MASSIVE that’s well worth it that’s solid and then can sell IMAC FTW SELL that piece of shit desktop fFS!! well I like it but should sell it SELL IT YES!! `ell From Archive_toxic few months wig biological bros ( I think hose visions have faded though yea) and u only do these random pity calls or somehing. + don’t know u + ur smart + u know about some of my life. all equals roughly frightenig! Yeah quite logical really Visit nippy there’s advice. I did that and my godparents many times. Totally random Okay, I understand why that would be frightening. A part of me really misses days when we all three played metw. Ya Me too. That is an awesome game and it was really fun playing with you and Thomas. I’ve done MANY very stupid, digressive, unaligned things and been excited about them at first (cough* acting crock of shit etc comedy pathetic etc) ya middle earth ccg was awesome. I loved that. Fun. Prob opening the cards as much as playing game. Can’t believe all your basketball cards lol. That was fun it was fun go see each of us open packs u Thomas and I etc ya good stuff. Atv was fun. Traps. I liked mi times more than Sb times in 90s I think. U? Yeah, love MI. Its so beautiful amd has a nice priximity to chicag. I like middle earth and watching movies again that we’ve already seen, like jungle2jungle. I don’t remember jungle to jungle but I don’t watch Hollywood films anymore I loved responding, liked my response, and love sharing this biological awesomeness. Water striders are some of the coolest organisms imho. This is such a cool biological adaption.  They utilize COHESION TENSION.  this is so frickin cool I love this stuff. Fill up a glass of water to the brim.  Notice that the top of the water (the meniscus) is actually above the rim of the glass (this works best if you slowly add water and will not work as well if you gush water in).  It’s almost like there’s a “skin” on the water.  This is cohesion tension. The negatively charged oxygen ablankto forms a weak hydrogen bond with the positively charged hydrogen ablanktos of the H20 molecule. Cohesion tension froms the “skin” of water, but more importantly (and a seperate and more botanical discussion) is that it is what makes transpirationa-pull of water through plants, possible. So you the water strider simply adroitly and delicately avoids breaking the cohesion tension on the water.  It does not have some super-hero water-walking ability, and thus, there’s nothing we coudl “inject” ourselves with.  Our best bet would just find a way to avoid breaking the very weak (but strong enough for plants to utilize it for transpirational pull) cohesion tension force. Water striders are extremely lightweight and don’t break the cohesion tension on the water surface. Turtles lifespan “. A typical pet turtle can lives 10-80 years or so while larger species can easily live over 100 years. The oldest recorded age of a turtle was 250 years in India.”   (http://wiki.answers.com/Q/What_is_the_life_span_of_a_turtle) This article is excellent http://www.slate.com/id/2138560/ Basically it says that animals and their lifespans revolve around how quickly they can reproduce. Animals have adaptations to help their genes get passed on such as: reproducing quickly (these animals usually have shorter lifespans) having poisons (protection) being larger having armor (like the turtle) sea turtles are large and have armor, thus, both those contribute to their longevity. TAIL Basically, tails serve different purposes for different animals. Deers use tails (the underside) to signal and flash it’s friends to warn of danger. Fish use their tells form locomotive movement through the water. Monkeys and opposums use their tails for grappling branches. Cats and kangaroos (sort of similar to the monkey function of the tail) use their tail for balance. Scorpion tails inject venom as a protection. Dog tails show mood. So you see, the tail is quite and amazing thing and depending on the animal, the tail could inject venom signal friends show mood, maintain balance grab branches propel through water. WOW talk about versatile appendage!!! Awesome! From  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tail DNA — Deoxyribonucleic acid is the “blueprint” for our cells and cells make up body parts (including tells) including the lightweight ability of water-striders. I could tell you weren’t trolling.  Your question is interesting.  Seems like you’re interested in getting a tail and walking on water??? haha!  Basically, without genetic mutation, we would need to slowly adapt through natural selection to need those things.  But we don’t have a use for tails anymore and we used to have them!  Our ancestors (thus, or geneological dna) used to be swinging from the treetops with our prehensile (tree-branch-grabbing) tails about 65 million years ago. Also, we don’t have a need to float on the cohesion tension of water?  Why?  Humans can build boats!! xD. With advances in genetic copying i’m sure some geneticists could isolated the genes/alleles for extracting the “tail” dna “code” or the water strider’s code for being lightweight and not breaking the cohesion tension, but “injecting” that in and just expecting a tail to pop up wouldn’t be practical.  Also, you ahve to understand that the water-strider ability is based on it’s lightweight and it’s distribution of weight over the surface of the water (and not some special ability to turn water into a solid while standing on it or something). Cheers! moving to australia creat pressure know that america is a fail so pathetically dismal fail place.  it’s a waste of life and time. create pressure and think dang if other people find out how awesome australia is, they might go there.  You want to go to australia MORE.  it’s a fantastic place.  You want to live in australia (in brisbane). you DO NOT want to “visit” or do “tourism” in australia. TRUE. TRUE!! i didn’t like martial arts!! TRUE. it was just lame stuff that people shoved onto me and I don’t like it one bit all routinized crap.  I like biological science because that’s the way things works!! Math is sort of martial arts like! I’ll take math over martial arts any day of the year, but it’s still routinezed things. `el————————————————————————————————— —————————————————————————————————December 14, 2009 — 12:30 PM thDecember 14, 2009 — 12:30 PM ta sfuckin awesome! Does risperdal work instantly? Do any of the sympblanktos of disorganized schizophrenia get better instantly? If not how long does it take? (for my schizophrenic brother) blankjo K Your Answer: No it doesn’t. Because your borther doesn’t have schizophrenia. Schizophrenia doens’t exist. Your brother has a set and sequence of behaviors that other people consider problematic. Put your brother in the right place and the right kind of people and he’ll thrive. 50 years from now pharmaceutical companies will have other malign, corrupt, methods of fallaciously leaking money out form people and condemning people who are simply slightly different (but most of the times more brilliant) than normal people because psychiatry won’t be around then. The world is slowly waking up to this reality. There you go. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anti-psychi… Source(s): incorrectly diagnosed with over 6 different misdiagnosed nonexistent disorders. psychology studies. genius. xD. ————————————————————————————————— ————————————————————————–http://www.validateyourlife.com————————- December 14, 2009 — 2:36 PM I FEEL SAFE around  computer people.  I like and love computer people! finally ay! ————————————————————————————————— ————————————————————————————————— December 15, 2009 — 7:37 AM December 15, 2009 — 7:37 AM December 15, 2009 — 7:37 AM December 15, 2009 — 7:37 AM Physics with Notes. I am supposed to be studying this.  This is picking up where I left off at LP.  MATH class. YES EXCELLENT /slapface. /wakeup  you’re supposed to be studying JMATH and physics FFS! I LOVE old collared shirts that are tried and true that i’v eworn a lot (like the gridded blue shirt). Asian chicks are REALLY hot and cute and their food is goo. ————————————————————————————————— ————————————————————————————————— December 15, 2009 — 7:46 AM realized my dad isn’t so smart with numbers. the loan payoff thing he did was really rudimentary and childish. (but hey i’m getting out of debt SWEETftw and SAVING!! tons.) ————————————————————————————————— ————————————————————————————————— December 15, 2009 — 9:13 AM Dawkins is really a voice of clarity who thinks like me.  I think like him.  of clarity.  which is marvelous.  GREAT!  but it’s comforting hearing him point out people that are just idiotic!! God is verb is semantic blanktofoolery and disguised atheism. TRUE!    God is love blah blah is atheist trying not to be atheist huh! all this stuff I worried about — the journaling, the recording of ical stuff, all these tiritval worry things i don’t care about anymore. feel so groos ————————————————————————————————— ————————————————————————————————— December 16, 2009 — 4:43 PM while yes americans are revoltingly bureaucratic, paranoid and increasingly orwellian, you also have to question the temperment of someone who actually studies mortuary science. xD. LOL. ————————————————————————————————— ————————————————————————————————— saw amellite’s gear.  So pissed at how HARD it was for me to get good ranged weeps and how easy it is for other people to get them.  feel like failure MGOOD thing.  emails may be iliac quests, you can abandon tons if you want!!! XD TRUE that’s so true. `el December 17, 2009 — 9:51 AM woke up kept thinking about elizabeth murzyn huh i wrote different skin pigment skeleton loll.  and defended HAHA GOOD!! FFS Good she was awful person truly so fail no friends BLEH hell.  ZERO physical attraction I don’t like how I’ve oncstnatly had her bitchface on my mind maybe some similarity in dealing with people like crap life id i d dons’ care cabf over. ————————————————————————————————— ————————————————————————————————— December 17, 2009 — 3:12 PM Chocolate Coconut Kasi THE BEST Chocolate Coconut Kasi THE BEST After getting all my shit together.  I realized something.  physics, math, science, bio, GREAT all great.  YES.. BUt…I want to earn money.  I REALLY wnt to earn money.  I WANT to earn money (and save like 80% of it MOST DEFINITELY yES ). I don’t want to spend on anything.  that’s just a goal that I want to do.  I wanted to run a marathon.  I did that.  I want to earn money.  How much?  why not a million?  loll save 800,000 HAHA awesome. seminars don’t earn money and I don’t want to earn that way. ihpone would bE SICK way to earn some. but let’s start with earning $5,000 in savings ay!!!! ————————————————————————————————— ————————————————————————————————— aussies are nice, cookoo, good. americans are unsafe, dangerous, hicks. brits are intelligent, shrewd, cynical, but good. french are cool ————————————————————————————————— ————————————————————————————————— Ross is an enemy.  Ross jeffries = ENEMY.  he cut out my one good clip at the seminar where eI was doing something.  Ross Jeffries is toxic. Enemy. KIM (vizzini kim )sounds like rita zcarnowski jee. ————————————————————————————————— ————————————————————————————————— December 15, 2009 — 7:05 PM lincoln park highschool was a better institution than latin. TRUE. LPHS brainwashed less. ————————————————————————————————— ————————————————————————————————— realizDecember 16, 2009 — 9:18 AM realized beth tried to make me thing I just knew words instead of what I want to know, bio.  She’s very unsafe and FAIL.  blank and beth and ask have either distracted, ridiculed, or stymied temporarily my bio science learning; they’re repulsive.  That ended.  I am focused on bio.  I focus on bio.  I learn bio.  DO NOT tell them what you’re focusing on.  They will discombobulate it. The only way to accomplish something is to not tell people you’re doing it. TRUE! (marathon, etc) . you can spend and waste your most valuable commodity (time) hating the people that have wronged you, or you can disengage that and put your time to loving what you like (bio, science, and aussies). stop waiting.  study what you want. Focus on it. Topics want to better understand residual air in LUNGS yes! how sternocleidomastoid effects inspiration (inhalation)! After getting all my shit together.  I realized something.  physics, math, science, bio, GREAT all great.  YES.. BUt…I want to earn money.  I REALLY wnt to earn money.  I WANT to earn money (and save like 80% of it MOST DEFINITELY yES ). I don’t want to spend on anything.  that’s just a goal that I want to do.  I wanted to run a marathon.  I did that.  I want to earn money.  How much?  why not a million?  loll save 800,000 HAHA awesome. seminars don’t earn money and I don’t want to earn that way. ihpone would bE SICK way to earn some. but let’s start with earning $5,000 in savings ay!!!! ————————————————————————————————— ————————————————————————————————— aussies are nice, cookoo, good. americans are unsafe, dangerous, hicks. brits are intelligent, shrewd, cynical, but good. french are cool ————————————————————————————————— ————————————————————————————————— Ross is an enemy.  Ross jeffries = ENEMY.  he cut out my one good clip at the seminar where eI was doing something.  Ross Jeffries is toxic. Enemy. KIM (vizzini kim )sounds like rita zcarnowski jee. ————————————————————————————————— ————————————————————————————————— December 15, 2009 — 7:05 PM lincoln park highschool was a better institution than latin. TRUE. LPHS brainwashed less. ————————————————————————————————— ————————————————————————————————— realizDecember 16, 2009 — 9:18 AM realized beth tried to make me thing I just knew words instead of what I want to know, bio.  She’s very unsafe and FAIL.  blank and beth and ask have either distracted, ridiculed, or stymied temporarily my bio science learning; they’re repulsive.  That ended.  I am focused on bio.  I focus on bio.  I learn bio.  DO NOT tell them what you’re focusing on.  They will discombobulate it. The only way to accomplish something is to not tell people you’re doing it. TRUE! (marathon, etc) . you can spend and waste your most valuable commodity (time) hating the people that have wronged you, or you can disengage that and put your time to loving what you like (bio, science, and aussies). stop waiting.  study what you want. Focus on it. Topics want to better understand residual air in LUNGS yes! how sternocleidomastoid effects inspiration (inhalation)! california is BAD times enemies out here. popoff etc. bad people bad times .gross. ————————————————————————————————— ————————————————————————————————— December 19, 2009 — 11:30 AM December 19, 2009 — 11:30 AM I recollect a truly surreallish experience.  I think I had just done the Museum of natural history/ sherlock holmes and was on london tube and VIDEOGAMES is what’s been on pause in my life. TRUE!! FFS TRUE! I’ve been such an advocate for wow. talking about how awesome wow is for a reason!! I invested in sierra online stock.  I’ve wanted to make video games for LONNNGGGGGG time.  Love iphone stuff awesome! ————————————————————————————————— ————————————————————————————————— maybe BIO is simply more important than computer games?? lc learning bio Just saw fry totally hit on the guy LOL. I don’t mind gay people at all. It’s just like would that be the type of people i’d like to be with?? not particularly.  Just like I wouldn’t want to be with a bunch of business corporate people. true.  i’d rather be with gay people than them but the point of the matter is that it’s just not my kind of group really. What is then? HIGHLY precise people that are slick and clear like musicians.   Dexter holland precision’ airplane concert flying THAT is quality. everyone’s always trying to convince you that THEIR way of life is better.  Be it wealth, homosexuality, poverty, living in a tree fort, living underground, whatever it is. bleh. My ideal lilife that Ilike is precise, musical precision aviation. computers TONS, good clear people awesome times. What does irritate me is you compliment a man and they’ll likely feel embarrassed or atlas experience the compliment.  Women….WTF do they want? IDK you compliment them they brush it off like it was some kind of ridicule bleh.  hopeless. would be cool to be able to directly compliment be nice to women but hey they don’t process it or w/e.maybe they just want sex id. dreamdream weird dream dreamt took some kind of ferry to some place and needed to get back. but first was in some crap apartment where people could look in and say “hey blankjo” i think kyle  did that.  it felt like calabasas, then I took the ferry to some place and it felt like some aus island.  some asian clerk said his discount card for working as a waiter gave him $5 fare one way i said /i did the math and that’s $50/week, $200/ month on fare was that less than car costs? ay prob.  then met huge guy (not fat just tall and big) who was like heath ledger and he put his arm around two women and there may have been a third in his party.  made me feel jealous because I can never act that way around women. OKAY brain dump feel nervous about going to aus, where to go? Ni? aus? Mexiko? probably not ny loll. wowmen homes trying to make me homo the ebay ball sorting my old athletic belonging crap things logoed shirts blanks 2 suits.  blue and pinstripe bleh idk should probe put them with the saved crap one. household belongings are fine, kitchen belongings are fine. fear of going to the grocery store fear of going back to chicago fear of brainwashed by biofam mores fear of crap things that mess me up like rlt when at the time before rlt I was actually in a good state, good place. fear of doing stupid things like going back to latin (i won’t go back to there but ay w/e) fear of californians messing up. fear that TB may hurt more than help fear that I won’t have friends anxiety and discombobulation with wow and wanting to raid but discombobulation around people. anxiety and stress physiological related problems fear of not having a careeer wanting to make iphone apps but not wanting to mpay $99 should design them first REALLY fearful and nervous about what to do for xmas and new years.  Would for once like it to be goo 2008 — FAIL home alone calabasas 2007 — fail alone in chicago apartment 2006 – fail alone in chicago 428 hell 2005 — fail alone in chiacgog a428 hell 2004 — sb fail 2003 — GREAT!!!!!! on the east coast woods hole. fun snowball on roof GREAT FUN! 2002 — chicago fail. that’s not right man, you should have good xmas and new years every year atleast good new years. nervous about clutter. nervous about where to go. REALLy nervous about chicago Hey guys, I’m going to the storage sheltier again blanktoorrow hopefully for the last time.  Brought some cleaning supplies and a broom because they have to check it after I clean it.  There’s a few boxes that I’ll discard too (but fortunately they’ll fit in the small car).  Then if all goes well, I’ll end the storage rental and fully close it up.   I told one guy there that I’d almost certainly be moving everything out of the storage this month, so should be okay. I went there adjust contacted them at the office and they said that I had to give them a written 14 days notice or else I’d have to pay for the next month.  Since it’s the 20th, they said that I “technically” couldn’t move out until the 4th of December.  They said they need to know 14 days in advanced to rent out the storage to someone else and that they wouldn’t be able to do that for december, so basically even though I sweeped it and left it spic and span and empty on the 20th of december, they’re still making me pay for january??!! What the hell is with these people??  They aren’t as bad as malice canyon apartments, but man!! Can you think of anything to avoid the January cost?  So frustrating. Good news is the storage shelter is closed.  There’s still so much sorting though.I recollect a truly surreallish experience.  I think I had just done the Museum of natural history/ sherlock holmes and was on london tube and VIDEOGAMES is what’s been on pause in my life. TRUE!! FFS TRUE! I’ve been such an advocate for wow. talking about how awesome wow is for a reason!! I invested in sierra online stock.  I’ve wanted to make video games for LONNNGGGGGG time.  Love iphone stuff awesome! ————————————————————————————————— ————————————————————————————————— maybe BIO is simply more important than computer games?? lc learning bio Just saw fry totally hit on the guy LOL. I don’t mind gay people at all. It’s just like would that be the type of people i’d like to be with?? not particularly.  Just like I wouldn’t want to be with a bunch of business corporate people. true.  i’d rather be with gay people than them but the point of the matter is that it’s just not my kind of group really. What is then? HIGHLY precise people that are slick and clear like musicians.   Dexter holland precision’ airplane concert flying THAT is quality. everyone’s always trying to convince you that THEIR way of life is better.  Be it wealth, homosexuality, poverty, living in a tree fort, living underground, whatever it is. bleh. My ideal lilife that Ilike is precise, musical precision aviation. computers TONS, good clear people awesome times. What does irritate me is you compliment a man and they’ll likely feel embarrassed or atlas experience the compliment.  Women….WTF do they want? IDK you compliment them they brush it off like it was some kind of ridicule bleh.  hopeless. would be cool to be able to directly compliment be nice to women but hey they don’t process it or w/e.maybe they just want sex id. dreamdream weird dream dreamt took some kind of ferry to some place and needed to get back. but first was in some crap apartment where people could look in and say “hey blankjo” i think kyle  did that.  it felt like calabasas, then I took the ferry to some place and it felt like some aus island.  some asian clerk said his discount card for working as a waiter gave him $5 fare one way i said /i did the math and that’s $50/week, $200/ month on fare was that less than car costs? ay prob.  then met huge guy (not fat just tall and big) who was like heath ledger and he put his arm around two women and there may have been a third in his party.  made me feel jealous because I can never act that way around women. OKAY brain dump feel nervous about going to aus, where to go? Ni? aus? Mexiko? probably not ny loll. wowmen homes trying to make me homo the ebay ball sorting my old athletic belonging crap things logoed shirts blanks 2 suits.  blue and pinstripe bleh idk should probe put them with the saved crap one. household belongings are fine, kitchen belongings are fine. fear of getting fat fear of not being able to workout! fear of going to the grocery store fear of going back to chicago fear of brainwashed by biofam mores fear of crap things that mess me up like rlt when at the time before rlt I was actually in a good state, good place. fear of doing stupid things like going back to latin (i won’t go back to there but ay w/e) fear of californians messing up. fear that TB may hurt more than help fear that I won’t have friends anxiety and discombobulation with wow and wanting to raid but discombobulation around people. anxiety and stress physiological related problems fear of not having a careeer wanting to make iphone apps but not wanting to mpay $99 should design them first REALLY fearful and nervous about what to do for xmas and new years.  Would for once like it to be goo 2008 — FAIL home alone calabasas 2007 — fail alone in chicago apartment 2006 – fail alone in chicago 428 hell 2005 — fail alone in chiacgog a428 hell 2004 — sb fail 2003 — GREAT!!!!!! on the east coast woods hole. fun snowball on roof GREAT FUN! 2002 — chicago fail. that’s not right man, you should have good xmas and new years every year atleast good new years. nervous about clutter. nervous about where to go. REALLy nervous about chicago scared of bioparents scared of parents scared of vows people kind of scared of starving scared that my back is messed up REALLY scared about money etc. damn i probe shouldn’t have those yearly expenses. scared about that.  would like to backup the home videos bollocks. Hey guys, I’m going to the storage sheltier again blanktoorrow hopefully for the last time.  Brought some cleaning supplies and a broom because they have to check it after I clean it.  There’s a few boxes that I’ll discard too (but fortunately they’ll fit in the small car).  Then if all goes well, I’ll end the storage rental and fully close it up.   I told one guy there that I’d almost certainly be moving everything out of the storage this month, so should be okay. I went there adjust contacted them at the office and they said that I had to give them a written 14 days notice or else I’d have to pay for the next month.  Since it’s the 20th, they said that I “technically” couldn’t move out until the 4th of December.  They said they need to know 14 days in advanced to rent out the storage to someone else and that they wouldn’t be able to do that for december, so basically even though I sweeped it and left it spic and span and empty on the 20th of december, they’re still making me pay for january??!! What the hell is with these people??  They aren’t as bad as malice canyon apartments, but man!! Can you think of anything to avoid the January cost?  So frustrating. Good news is the storage shelter is closed.  There’s still so much sorting though. feel really scared about what to do wit hteh books etc. I recollect a truly surreallish experience.  I think I had just done the Museum of natural history/ sherlock holmes and was on london tube and VIDEOGAMES is what’s been on pause in my life. TRUE!! FFS TRUE! I’ve been such an advocate for wow. talking about how awesome wow is for a reason!! I invested in sierra online stock.  I’ve wanted to make video games for LONNNGGGGGG time.  Love iphone stuff awesome! ————————————————————————————————— ————————————————————————————————— maybe BIO is simply more important than computer games?? lc learning bio Just saw fry totally hit on the guy LOL. I don’t mind gay people at all. It’s just like would that be the type of people i’d like to be with?? not particularly.  Just like I wouldn’t want to be with a bunch of business corporate people. true.  i’d rather be with gay people than them but the point of the matter is that it’s just not my kind of group really. What is then? HIGHLY precise people that are slick and clear like musicians.   Dexter holland precision’ airplane concert flying THAT is quality. everyone’s always trying to convince you that THEIR way of life is better.  Be it wealth, homosexuality, poverty, living in a tree fort, living underground, whatever it is. bleh. My ideal lilife that Ilike is precise, musical precision aviation. computers TONS, good clear people awesome times. What does irritate me is you compliment a man and they’ll likely feel embarrassed or atlas experience the compliment.  Women….WTF do they want? IDK you compliment them they brush it off like it was some kind of ridicule bleh.  hopeless. would be cool to be able to directly compliment be nice to women but hey they don’t process it or w/e.maybe they just want sex id. dreamdream weird dream dreamt took some kind of ferry to some place and needed to get back. but first was in some crap apartment where people could look in and say “hey blankjo” i think kyle  did that.  it felt like calabasas, then I took the ferry to some place and it felt like some aus island.  some asian clerk said his discount card for working as a waiter gave him $5 fare one way i said /i did the math and that’s $50/week, $200/ month on fare was that less than car costs? ay prob.  then met huge guy (not fat just tall and big) who was like heath ledger and he put his arm around two women and there may have been a third in his party.  made me feel jealous because I can never act that way around women. OKAY brain dump feel nervous about going to aus, where to go? Ni? aus? Mexiko? probably not ny loll. wowmen homes trying to make me homo the ebay ball sorting my old athletic belonging crap things logoed shirts blanks 2 suits.  blue and pinstripe bleh idk should probe put them with the saved crap one. household belongings are fine, kitchen belongings are fine. fear of going to the grocery store fear of going back to chicago fear of brainwashed by biofam mores fear of crap things that mess me up like rlt when at the time before rlt I was actually in a good state, good place. fear of doing stupid things like going back to latin (i won’t go back to there but ay w/e) fear of californians messing up. fear that TB may hurt more than help fear that I won’t have friends anxiety and discombobulation with wow and wanting to raid but discombobulation around people. anxiety and stress physiological related problems fear of not having a careeer wanting to make iphone apps but not wanting to mpay $99 should design them first REALLY fearful and nervous about what to do for xmas and new years.  Would for once like it to be goo 2008 — FAIL home alone calabasas 2007 — fail alone in chicago apartment 2006 – fail alone in chicago 428 hell 2005 — fail alone in chiacgog a428 hell 2004 — sb fail 2003 — GREAT!!!!!! on the east coast woods hole. fun snowball on roof GREAT FUN! 2002 — chicago fail. that’s not right man, you should have good xmas and new years every year atleast good new years. nervous about clutter. nervous about where to go. REALLy nervous about chicago Hey guys, I’m going to the storage sheltier again blanktoorrow hopefully for the last time.  Brought some cleaning supplies and a broom because they have to check it after I clean it.  There’s a few boxes that I’ll discard too (but fortunately they’ll fit in the small car).  Then if all goes well, I’ll end the storage rental and fully close it up.   I told one guy there that I’d almost certainly be moving everything out of the storage this month, so should be okay. I went there adjust contacted them at the office and they said that I had to give them a written 14 days notice or else I’d have to pay for the next month.  Since it’s the 20th, they said that I “technically” couldn’t move out until the 4th of January.  They said they need to know 14 days in advanced to rent out the storage to someone else and that they wouldn’t be able to do that for december, so basically even though I sweeped it and left it spic and span and empty on the 20th of december, they’re still making me pay for january??!! What the hell is with these people??  They aren’t as bad as malice canyon apartments, but man!!  So frustrating.  Their logic was that since I gave them “written formal” notice today, they wouldn’t be able to rent out storage unit for January, so I had to pay for the january month.  But I told them Im not even using it january nor the last week of december!  So, that’s really frustrating. Good news is the storage shelter is closed, though.  There’s still so much sorting though.  How am I going to send this stuff???  Where do I get sturdy boxes? ————————————————————————————————— ————————————————————————————————— ————————————————————————————————— ————————————————————————————————— just realized Hey TB! I just had this good idea (with zero/small expectations): wanted to inquire if WowRadio was looking for any other/more podcasters?!! My speciality ingame is primarily pvp.  I know there’s a lot of raid (unquestionably your specialty) and instance content emphasis, but I don’t hear much talk about pvp.  That’s definitely my area of expertise, from battleground strategies, to knowing and exploiting weaknesses of other classes to maximize the abilities of your class and more. I’ve got a lot of podcasting experience Link…. I love wow and have done a fair bit of programming and computer sciencey stuff.  CV is attached. Awesome segments.  As I believe I said in some other message before: TRUe intelligent.   FRIENDs where i am not appeasing them just like their company/fellowship!! Slanik and TB are soo awesome. Friends!! intelligent, awesome, quality, light. Fellow gamer nerds!! Brilliant. cool as. good people. Mainly, they speak their mind!! That’s goal and quality . and I like listenign to what they say and how they say things! They have some of the strongest voices have ever heard in my life. TRUE!  plus their pro-video game message is AWESOME.  TB IS LIKE ME!! he looks uncomfortable dealing with real life things in body (heated etc) but his VOICE is massively CLEAR. This guy — tb — is so frickin clear and awesome and not lame.  no fame agenda, just voice and what he talks about is interesitn as! Hearing TB and slanik was prob the equivalent to a kid first hearing beatie boys or the rolling stones or rock (or hell, classical, because clasical is awesome too) for the first time! i love gaming.  I HATE nlp. I just love gaming and people like TB who’s life is about gaming and making sure people know that gaming makes friendships, is fun, involves math, is good etc, validate my interest in gaming! **** Finally, in one podcast you said that all staff of wowradio are like some of the weirdest “something wrong with them people” (Facetiously of course)…well that’s me! — blankjo ————————————————————————————————— ————————————————————————————————— ddt December 21, 2009 — 11:25 AM VERY scared about going back to chicago. bioparents want to talk me a bout my “future plans”. I’m discovering some things that are actually “my thing” like parkour, wow, aus.  And I don’t want to and will not share those with my parents. they discombobulate and hinder and injure and stymie everything I’ve talked to them about.  So I’ve learned you don’t talk to people about things you want to do. So i’ll just make up something and say randomly “psychology”.  which isn’t what I want to do at all. I don’t think I should go back to chicago.  those people aren’t my parents.  I’m scared of those people.  I don’t know them.  I don’t trust them.  I don’t like them.  All they’ve done is destroy my life. So but  basically I spend so much of my time running/hiding from my parents.  I do not want to talk with them about my future plans.  I’ve done that dozens of times and what always happens is : 1)they ridicule my plans 2)the plans become distracted and discombobulated 3)the plans never happen. I do not trust them and am indeed very scared of them.  They always demand that I tell them what my “plans are”.  And they always try to bully what I’m thinking out of me. When I found something that I actually like (like aus, for example), I never share that.  I always keep that private. I feel so abused by them.  I did indeed say that I felt like they emotionally raped me this one time. So what the hell should I do?  Should I fly  back to chicago, go through a hellish christmas, and hellish new years (5 out of the past 6 new years have been crappy and in chicago,  the only good one was during sea semester, which rocked).  And deal with them poking and prodding me about plans.  Why the fuck don’t they mind their own business? Or I guess another idea is convincing them to let me stay out here longer, but that would probably be fail, too. I also could by a ticket randomly and go to aus or some place but that would cost a lot and it wouldn’t be planned so I don’t think that would work well.  I bought the aus ticket over a month in advance and it was GREAT.  I got the europe ticket the same day and it was really hard to find places to stay and it wasn’t as good of a trip.  in other words, seems like There’s this psychologist that I had to see after this sea semester program before going back to old college (That I hated) and was thinking about seeing him. I hated the college I attended.  That was three years of my life.  I think i’ve done enough things that I don’t want to do, for long enough, really. I keep thinking of new york as possible place. but it could be another trap/fail.  Aus is good.  I need career to work with good people and I can’t keep wasting my life around these wanker parents. SERIOUSLY! SRSLY! So what about applying to grad school? fuck that! I experience pain of grades and teacher pressure again when I want to be teaching the class so I can still be stuck in the usa 3 years later?? FUCK THAT! I finally understood what that nicole chick and the laura landlord woman were saying like pods of friends: biker friends, country club friends, huge diversity, but WITHIN aus!!!!!!!! it’s a different world. called art shit  (instigation, blatant bullying, insulting) said don’t’ have that attitude with me.  provocation, bullying (JUST like alex ekman tripping) said can’t go to sleep ————————————————————————————————— ————————————————————————————————— December 24, 2009 — 8:15 PM Derren brown is so awesome and cool because he does this great entertainment and magic (like normal magicians) but then he also reminds people that if they get or feel stuck or trapped it’s always just their belief(s) and they can question those beliefs. ————————————————————————————————— ————————————————————————————————— December 24, 2009 — 8:46 PM one thing I realized is a LOT of women (not all, but a LOT, especially american women) LIKE to try to arouse men to lead them on,waste their time, feel like they have the illusion of control, even though they don’t!!  good women are just natural and fun and likable and encourage and don’t try to lead on. true. good. ————————————————————————————————— ————————————————————————————————— December 24, 2009 — 11:00 PM December 24, 2009 — 11:00 PM I realized when I reveal private personal things that’s the best precursor to sharing information b/c when someone identifies with you, they can absorb and pickup the information much easier.

kjkjklj

class and race

THINGS I LOVE

Letter to lindy

Psychologically virtual worlds can help players become more familiar and comfortable with actions they may in real-life feel reluctant or embarassed. For example, in World of Warcraft, /dance is the emote for a dance move which a player in the virtual world can “emote” quite simply. And a familiarization with said or similar “emotes” or social skills (such as, encouragement, gratitude, problem-solving, and even kissing) in the virtual world via avatar can make the assimilation to similar forms of expression, socialization, interaction in real life smooth. Interaction with humans through avatars in the virtual world has potential to seriously expand the mechanics of one’s interaction with real-life interactions.

SHARKS

DreamDream

Dreamt I was in this gigantic pool (or sectored-off ocean) like the one in Deep Blue Sea, but with underwater columns and fences and barriers. Ther ewas this massive megaladon shark that kep trying to eat me and this other person. We swam through the columns to avoid it and to the other side of the tank/pool. Eventually I found this harpoon spear that cooul extend a little prong after it punctured through the shark so that it would creat a clamp and couldn’t’ open its mouth. I think I shoved that in it, and then I thought it could get killed in this gigantic underwater smashing device with two vertical wall-smashers that have spikes that would completely close vertically, smashing the shark’s torso to thin paper or severing is tail and head in two.

04/05/2003 Friday

8 miles 32 B (ate three full meals at rastall)

I dreamdt Ms. Murray was telling me my grade and that I had failed art history, but it wasn’t art history it was drama,

She said she minored in Drama, and insinuated that I should

I kid with RV came up and tapped me on the head

and we were now in a coffee shop

I ran after him

and kicked the crap out of him

I kept kicking him on the floor nonstop. Then everyonehelped him up

6/??/03

Dream Journal

wierd dream. Was on some pivotting myst-boat thing with a bell and a rotator on water, I took the rope off the bell, and then someone came on the rotator thing, and got the rope out of my pants. They starte to chainsaw somethign and almost cut me, so I ran off the boat-thing screaming, and ran to a house where walter and pat were, looking for nicky. – reminded me of working near haphazard construction area.

07/23/03

Well, crazy hectic day. Got 15 hours of sleep lastnight!! 5-8. Dreamt about killing my rat by putting it in a bag and dumping rice and food on it (or losing it). Also, I dreamdt that Brecht, now-looking fat/overwieght and my dad, and me met for a dinner/party and joked, and my dad even made fun of his “actorship”. Also, thought this represented the death of brech (AWESOME, and not deifying him), and moving on to respecting mrs. Erdall, hopefully! Feel good. Did hour of rat training, did neuroanatomy lab and TOUCHED THE BRAIN HUMAN! Then saw Matt, Andrea in Career center, changed gold card t o$390, saw RV, thinking about doing computer deal at armstrong, called ruggs, checked out library (boring), and shove (it’s SO nice having a computer that is in peace and is mine to work on!!). Well, going to study more, hopefully get a run in and get things going — so busy out here!!! So So much mroe than at the LSE because of Career Center, Gold Cards, and an actual CAMPUS!! To see, meet, and do things!! So many cool choices of thigns to do — armstrong, computer guys, get paid and have fun and do somethings productively, which Iwould be doing anyways, and then get paid for them!! Whoo-whoo! And get resume acknowledgement, that’s the thing — I want to do things for resume acknowledgement, because I am normally productive — so why not get credit for them! oOVer out!! Rock on! I realize that I am enjoying this class so much, because, not only because I really enjoy neuroanatomy/psyhcology, but b/c I am in the hands of a VERY organized teacher, so my learning is organized and productive.

7/30/03

Wierd dream– bike to Danya Sherman’s house, almost got run over (really dangerous) and hit by purple? car. Got there, and talked to her while watching some disney movie — all odgs go to heaven?? She said she had been taking martial arts at some dojo, and solme other person (mike l/tom fort) showed up, while I helped myself to bread? i nthe kitchern. wierdo!!

08/31/03

My Dorm Room 430

Man, I still cannot believe how incredible spending time with Taylor was! I still cannot believe how raunchy we were, how unrestrained, how dream-like everything was, and how alive it felt! We had sex doggystyle! I cannot believe that, Amazing. Totally amazing out of some porno book. That made me start to think that life really CAN be whatever you want as an open book — it just forms to what you like/dislike. Well, I am so incredibly overwhelmed by how much cc offers, I am almost suffocated and suppressed by it! I am so happy about my box situation, too. Truly awesome. Well am going to call home, shower, computer, then food!! Totally starving!

10/10/03

Wow, really wierd dream. I dreamdt that Eva Sosnowska came to live with me and my family and she was all over me. This is my 9th night or something dry, the pill really seams to be working!

11/16/03

Okay, wierd dream: I was going to go swimming, even though casey told me not to. But I didn’t because I had to many books and junk in my backpack to worry about (if it would get stolen or not).

I had the martial arts test yesterday and got purple belt (5th kyu) even though I was going for 3rd kyu(brown). It was cool because michelle got 3rd and I am two belts under her anyway. I came back, ate chinese, ran, went to hobbit, watched identity, went to jungle boogie, had sex with zoe. Really, really frickin’ sore after sex and martial arts1!! My lats,lower legs, everything! I really want to try to get good grades — valedictorian-style like robin. He is a very cool guy. It was wierd that people asked me if I knew robin and casey — they’re good guys.

11/26/03

Wow wierd dream. I dreamt that Dr. Shultz or sorchett, pretty sure shultz, was making watch these movie segments of penelope cruz (or maya?) and label them as “pretty”, “attractive”, “sexy”, etc. I couldn’t figure out the labels he wanted for each picture so he told to me to ask myself to label the pictures based on where they were in the movie. Then I dreamt about this mexican guy who put some wierd gel all over himself that semi-prevented sharks from biting him, then he went into shark-infested waters and got bites all over his achilles. Someone, I think professor Montano or Shultz went in and pulled him onto a boat, or sub.

11/07/04

Dreams: Dreamt that Tim Fuller was in People magazine, the Dream emphasized how the article was written by some guy named Tom Kahn, and it talked about how he was finding a girlfriend. Lief carter said in the back ground, “A life of politics is a full episode”, or something

02/05/07

Dream: was in this hardware store where james and I were made to karkate punch or kick thomas, but if we accidentally hit hijm, one of the workers there kicked thomas in the head and then us. Thomas’ head started bleeding and he was crying, and I wanted t okill the workers, but they puled a knife, we left our toolbox there and left without beating them u, and I was cupping thomas’ bleeding forehead.

Dream on night of April 9, 2005

Dreamt I was wearing these neck collars that were buzzers or pisioner things that we all took off then put back on and threw away because they were a symbol of freedom. Matt Birnbaum, I think george Clooney, I think Katherine (neighbor), and a bunch of other close friends were their in this pool area with an outside area. It ended withme packing up my bag while everyone else was swimming and secretly keeping my neckband (symbol of freedom) and then everyone else changed as I was leaving the locker room and we all waited with our luggage in some main underground area and my friends were there (I put my green cosmetics case in a black duffle). There was so old rabbi chanting. We were definitely about to do something probably illegal, bold, and righteous (stealing from rich to give to poor), but not sure what it was. Wild dream!

Nap Dream April 9, 2005

Dreamt that mom, Thomas, james, and I were driving and more drove the car (a kind of race car/rental car) off this edge and it did one of those free-falling slow-mo diving things, tipped forward and crashed into a building. None of us were hurt but we met all of these other people who crashed their cars in a some waiting room afterwards, too.

** The falling feeling was exactly like the dream when uncle dean and I flew off the bridge on bikes, but this wasn’t as scary because we didn’t land in water (almost drowning).

April 12, 2005

Totally awesome alive day.

Class 9-12. Ran 12-1:45 ( had to take dump at walmart). Swam 2-2:30 1000m, ate lunch of apple, sandwich,milk. Biked 3:30-4:30. Saw Christen and Cameron and Taylor’s house. Changed got Rastall, went to mathias saw Kendra and wandered around from 5:30 – 7:00. Library from 7:00-8:00. 8:00-10:00. cleaned room, wrote e-mails. Showered, now off to bed! Jesse seemed to have anger at him, and is certainly an exceptional conversationalist. He talked about vocational direction and survival, but I disagreed with him on numerous topics – drugs, etc.

Dream: dreamt change Thomas and I were rafting down the santia, or some river, I fell luckilyu got back on after cutting my leg, then Thomas got seperaetd from change, but change found him and saved him. THE DOCtor had to give me some “knock out pill”, but I really didn’t have many wounds, and thmoas had the same. Then I met Martha stanley’s mom, introduced by my mom.

April13. 2005

1 mile run, 1000m, 1 mile run, 15* bikeride.

Dream: James Thomas and I exchanged gifts. One was some Lord of the rings beginning book in bible format before Michigan or new years or something . we mwoke mom up as Thomas told her about the gifts (it was similar to the sandwich shop one with just me and bros). other details but hard to remember.wow, really frickin’ tired, jeez. Exhausted, but hopefully will get some sleep, then nkiwan’es later on. I needed to borrow money from dad to buy the highest goal book which I gave james as a gift and he pulled out 5 or 6 huge wads of money all organized by “belt clips”, which were really flolwer clips.

April 14, 2005

1 mile run, 1000m swim, 1 mile run, biked past Manitou, up some mini inclines 2:30- 4:00.

Seeing ted and dan Castaneda today reminded me of james and guy, usually it’s dad that ted reminds me of! Went to sleep at 10. read for about 20, lights off at 1030= quality, quality sleep!

DreamDream: Dreamt I was installing some software in some room (Michigan?) but I accidentally took a dump I nmy sleeping bag, so I had to tell mom, james, and Thomas to get out of the room by saying II couldn’t install the software with them watching me and to come back in 3 minutes, then I washed the sleeping bag.

April 15, 2005

DreamDream. Slept from 4am to 2pm and dreamt that I was in some Doom-like fps being chased by christophe (or Thomas) and james, I think. They put a bunch of bombs in some pool and I was on the highest level. I was about to throw in a grenade-bomb to set them all off, but james popped up and I jumped away into the pool, set off the bombs, and got out of the brown-walled pool with clear water (not swimming pool – like a reservoir) just in time, but burnt my leg. They said I’d get cancer of the leg and I ran into the next portal chamber where I didn’t got into the second door “Titanic” or the third door, but the first door, which was something abouet 1287, and some car smash, I think.

April 17, 2005

DreamDream

Dreamt that mom, dad, and myself and some other people attendedsomething like a a teenfreedom class, led by breck. We watched a commercial to prove some point, where the real actors came on stage : george hanson, an older woman, and one other guy. Then we went out in some clearing in the woods surrounding by white column rubble, and dad liked themeeting.

Normal:

I remember that after the teenfreedom course, the Judge took complete control. Blinding me from what was good (parents, Anne L. and Ari and Scott) and had me thoroughly convinced that acting, breck, maya, and chaos was good. That was when the Judge was completely in the driving seat. It was a very scary time.

April 29, 2005

DreamDream

I dreamt that Taylor Carlson came out to visit me at Colorado College and we didn’t really hit it off because of the relationship with the school. I said it was hard for me to breath with my back sore and the elevation and she was like, “Duh”. She wore a purple or black or grey sweater, and I was just drained so we didn’t hit it off very well being in the mountains. We went to the garden of the Gods, but still, it was awkward. Being around the ocean makes me thrive

DreamDream

May 2, 2005 Dream

Dreamt I was rooming with 3-4 other roommates, one of them was Bret Diskin. This heavy-weight guy came in and I started trying to empower him by telling him a story about a teacher who didn’t think highly of himself and, therefore, over-ate to become fat, but a few of the other teachers who had seen him teach always tried to make him realize how incredible he was at teaching. Everyone was reading big-name author books, like Grisham, or something, and stacking them near my bunkbed There was a pick-up soccer game going on and my mom was playing — so was professor Lindau. Lindau showed off some good soccer moves for a few seconds and then didn’t do anything, he tried to talk about this one “environmental policy” paper he wrote, but it was a lame comment. Someone commented to me about how much perseverence, aggressiveness, and resilience my mom played soccer — seriously going after the ball. I was thinking about playing and pictured myself really schooling people, but didn’t play.

Indifference and The Judge

05/10/2005

DreamDream

Dreamt I was in some classroom – felt like elementary schoool – the teacher looked like ben stiller and when he said for al of us to get partners for some test, I bolted over to him and told him I had to leave for my grandmother’s birthday (but I didn’t think it was really there). A girl that reminded me of Erica Brooks kept making fun of the ben stiller clone teacher and it turned out to be a funny class. Weird how in my dreams, I still connect fear of homosexuality to stuff.

05/13/2005

DreamDream

Dreamt I think James and some girl went to go rollerscating at this arcade rollerblade place. The place had people that played video games (actors) that didn’t get distracted when people talked to them. The store where yolu rent rollerblades reminded me of the beach house so I told the owner that. The had enormous shirts hangin from the ceiling I said I already had roller blades and surprised everyone (I was wearing them). Some of the video games (like Street Fighter) were projected on this hgue screen that everyone could see. Then most of the rink was covered with sliding woodwork that had seats for some performance. Casey be walked over and sat in the seats thate were technically “behind” the stage (at about 330°, while james and the other person sat in front. There were seats in 360° of the theater and we waited for the performance to start. Very vivid fun dream.

05/16, 2005

Went to run, had breakfast sat with this girl who saw Richard the Third at the Globe in London and sat behind Alan Rickman (the snape actor) in the theater! It was pretty amazing to connect with that – two summers ago. I still remember vividly fuller and minogue eating ice cream at that performance.

May 22, 2005

DreamDream

Weird dream! I dreamdt that me and about 15 other people got taken to this special room. It was in some huge hotel where everyone else was at tables (like cafeteria tables only fancier) watching some bigscreen TV. In this special room, the guy who knew the owner slid all of these closet doors which led to the secret room where there was a table and a series of one-way mirrors that looked at all the tables. I kept checking out Casey avaunt and noticed that she was kind of insecure the way she moved. Then someone said this was like hunting our prey with the other people not able to see us. The hotel was inherited by someone, but parts of it reminded me of a cruise or CC

Everynight I have slept here in Chicago has been enuresis. Embarassing, annoying and irritating. I obviously hate it here I guess, or something. I hate my dad; he is such a bum and I must stop relating to him from an area of coaching, where he solves my problems, he can’t solve my problems anymore. I could act like he solves them, that could be interesting! Hhhhmm, why not make him feel good. An artificial relationshp is considered a neutral one, which is better than a fighting one, sometimes. Also, if my parents fight just allow that to happen and not make it a concern of mine. I shouldn’t try to help them stay together or get their differences out and move apart. That is not my area. It would be infinitely liberating for me to not be the glue anymore.

May 24, 2005

DreamDream

Really weird one, but funny. I dreamdt mom or someone got two presents – a set of magnetic silverware and a special two-layered cooking pot with a grate built-in to the bottom. I commented it was fun with metal alloys. She told me to get something to cook in the pot and we had a massive bag of clams (in Chicago) and a bunch of yams, so I suggested the yams. Before we were trying to call the Smiths and thank them, but got to simultaneous calls without a button to switch the calls so james (or I, I forget) programmed in how to switch from those two callers. Really weird. Love life to the fullest!

The more connected we illuminate our passions, the more certaint we become as human beings. Acknowledging our strengths allows us to supercede our knowledge and grow infinitely. Love life to the fullest!

Woke up,

Walgreens – medicine for dentist and candy

100 E Walton for dr. block

scotts house

alexa’s house

jimmy’s house

library

supercuts

home

estebans

home depot

kinkos

gap

home

flat-top

home

Just did a ton of writing and realized when my dad came into my room, I hate him. I feel like he downloads shit and my leg swelled up, I hate being around my dad, he is bad energy, a blob, and I havecompassion for him, love him, but me being around him is not happy. Irght now I feel used, charged up with bad energy that I want to expel out of me, feel like I have to put all this time into purging out energy, like my brain isn’t my own, like my body isn’t my own, frustrated. Feel like crap. I hate the way I feel when I am around my dad, but I love my dad. I hate that fuckhead. Damnit. Ask him what he thinks catalyzed that deterioration.

May 27, 2005

DreamDream

AWESOME FUN COOL DREAM

I dreamt James and I went camping and had on this weird canvas overall pants. Some bad guys were camping kind of far away from us. The terrain was rocky, with rough weeds amidst everything. We saw the bad guys off in a distance, and I left our campsite for some reason (to get firewood?) and saw a huge gave that had a mountain lion in it with a fallen tree branch covering the entrance. I ran back to get james and when I showed him the entrance the tree branch was gone, so we knew the mountain lion had gotten out. Then he attacked us and we fought him off with sticks. We both opened up our coats big to scare him off but that didn’t work. After a long fight, eventually we were pretty cut up and I was about to stab a knife in him, when we realized he was licking and cleansing our wounds! He liked us and became our pet. We thought about putting him in a zoo, but didn’t think the captivity would be good for him, so we let him go. Then we watched some weird version of an endless Summer 2 (or three or four?) of these surfer dudes going down a huge natural waterslide/rapids/waterfall in a raft and passing a mountain lion that looked like ours!

Things I want to say to my dad:

Why couldn’t you be more like uncle dean – strong, wise, simple, clear, mainly, what he means he means (no duplicitness)

I dislike how you raised me and James in such a psychologically warped way, obsessed with scaring us with stories and such.

I dislike how the only way I can relate to you is through consulting – where I have a problem and you solve it (endless examples, girls, tooth, getting life back together). This creates a spurious relationship with false problems.

I dislike how you are only comfortable when we james and I afraid of you.

You’re too serious

I just hate being around you, you make me scared, you’re a fat blob of unexpressed emotions who has a terribly uncommunicative relationship with his wife.

June 1, 2005

DreamDream

Vivid dream, Dreamt that tom fort, me, some other people had to stand in this beg concrete throne chair on trial for something with Canada. They read some dialogue paper I wrote (kind of poorly wrote) in higschool or college. Total wierdnesss.

June 20, 2005

DREamDREAM

Dreamt I lived right next door to this chinse (asian) family and visited them a lot, and was convinced that whenever I left the room the chinese father went at it and had sex. I lleft their house when it looked they were leaving (packing things in a briefcase and putting the hat and coat on) but then I woul dcome back and see they might still be there. I neve knew if they were trying to fake me out with the hat and coat, or they really were leaving. I watched some movie that I had seen before with 2 of the asian guys, they were quiiet, wise, and peaceful. I kept wantign to to talkk to hear stuff the family said becaue they were so smart and always had some amazing advice. The movie (I think) was about 9 people taht were paddling from this one shoe to this new island that had just opened up adn they created a wave as they propelled themselves across teh sea/lake with huge enormous strokes. Also, I peed in the garbage can and it overflowed while family was at a play or somethign.$$$ then weoke upa and hat to really really go to bathroom. the water swimming, and then peeing was like a quie to get up and ppe! major proces ffrom enurise!

June 22, 2005

DreamDREAM

Dreamt I was a mother that had just had a kid and wrote about how hard it was to have a kid in a letter. Was in this crazy school where I sabotage it by playing pranks and a lot of people said they left it (it seemed like CC) because they said it was possesed (by devil thing?). Then ama died somehow — some wierd diseae. And someone, yuri maybe?, got someting chopped off frfom this turbien and it seemed like “final destination” b/c people were dying. was thinking about transferrrng. then flashed to when I Was older with the kid thing. Dreamt thomas was going to a different school in the mountains, I think. Maren K was going there, too. I needed to go to a party at matt c’s house, but hadn’t showered yet, so I showered without taking my pants off.

June 23, 2005

DREAMDREAM

Dreamt that my family – mom, dad, myself, (james and Thomas, probably, too) were at some dinner party with some more relatives (smiths) and muppy. We were out on some white outdoor table and breck costing was there talking and eating hor douerve (nuts) everyone was seated and he and muppy were hitting it off. I thought they would make a good couple. Then I dreamt that something else big, forget though.

July 2, 2005

June 2, 2005 202A DREAMDREAM

totally awesome DREAM one of hte best I’ve ever had.

was in chicago with breeze and family and thomas m, kuczmarski was really young. We got trapped in this car that smashed us, with salt or sand on top of it, and thomas had his lips peaking out so he could breath, then I accidentally shifted the sand and he couldn’t so we dug him out, or he burst out or the piles of salt/sand. Breeze said we just needed to get the family to the litt’e “ville” navy pier, and then we ened up in a hotel.

July 11, 2005

DreamDream

Weird drema,s dreamt I was in some fellowship and was gimli or a hobbit maybe; lot’s of scattered dreams. Wierdness.

The more we open our eyes to invigorating certainty, the more focus and ingenuity sprouts from our life. When cling and grasp, we generate problems for ourselves. Open our lifestyle we inspire others, creating leaders out of ourselves. A leader isn’t some one who tells others what to do or shapes people’s lives with rules and bureaucracy – that is a tyrant, an oppressor, the opposite of a leader. John Quincy Adams, the 6th president of the united states eloquently defined true leadership: “If your actions inspire others to dream more, learn more, do more, and become more, you are a leader”. There is so much veracity in this words and it is tremendously challenging to help inspire others to do more and learn that their dreams can be reality through gentle provocative leadership. True leadership, therefore, is based not around the leader’s strengths, but the strengths of those he leads. When you force or coerce people into doing things for an organized plan you are not leading them. Instead, you are causing them to experience what it is like to be a component of a machine moving towards some specific and external goal. A leader makes every goal reflective of the person who is trying to achieve it so that person instantly finds meaning and certainty in achieving the goal. A bureacrat organizes 50 people to build a church. Some believe in the church and put tremendous detail into its engravings and structure, some are only moderately religious and are indiffierent, and the other extreme are atheists who completely don’t care about their work and may try to sabotage the construction. This is not leadership, but a pathway to disunity and uncertainty. When we provoke others so that everyone has a unique target or goal, allowing them to truly experience happiness and movement towards their ultimate goal, you have encountered leadership. In true leadership there is no such thing as striated, varied forms of commitment – everyone has meaning in their goal and pursues it with passion because they have been inspired by the leader. An important quality of leadership is that it must produce a specific and unique goal for each person because each person has unique dreams, inspirations, and forms of purspose. Creating these variations in others dreams open up doorways towards simplicity and resolution. When you lead through inspiring others, Lao Tzus’ phrase of leadership: “The good leader operates so that when the work is done the people will say ‘we did it ourselves’” becomes clear. The true leadership truly does have people do things themselves; it is not a trick. When the leader usurps the work that is not leadership at all . Love life to the fullest and created a tremendous opening towards change and resolution and certify yoru existence by avoiding personal disparagements and uncertainties, open pathways to your own and to others verisimilitudes and find tremendous faith in honesty, prosperity, and love. True happiness, like leadership, is where you generate the goal and the inspiration yourself. True happiness does not occur based onsomeone else. True happiness is a personalized source of resolution that could have had an impact by some inspiring thigns other people say, but is very much your own. Generate happiness in your own life by engaging int authentic leadership to inspire others, giving them the push to evoke their dreams, ambitions, into reality!

Edmund Hillary, the first person to summit Mount Everest in 1919, said “It is not the mountain we conquer, but ourselves”. In surmounting and accomplishing a great achievement we prove to ourselves whate we are capable of. Revealing the capacity in others is precisely what the leader’s job is. When a person generates the motivation or the willing or the drive to “get to the top of the mountain” on one’s own in another person, they have assumed the role of a leader and have the potential to immediately put people through experiences that will increase their happiness and freedom. The purpose of generating this hope and motivation and inspiration in others is to create in the individual and collectively peace in the construct of mankind. 14th century, Italian poet, scholar and humorist, Francesco Petrarch said, “Five enemies of peace inhabit with us / avarice, ambition, envy, anger, and pride; if these were to be banished, we should infallibly enjoy perpetual peace”. The leader has the insights and the foreknowledge to help direct people towards inner peace, furthering the possibility of perpetual, infallible, and universal peace for all of us. By dissolving the deteriorating capacity of avarice, excessive ambition, envy, anger, and pride, we move towards this energetic existence. The best way to avoid those five obstacles from inhibiting our peace is to use them as authentic aids by abdicating the power the have over us. Anger, pride, and ambition can make us crazy, obfuscating our logic and generating counterfeit ideas and perceptions, however, they can also be illuminating assets if used correctly. When wield with temperance and control, anger can be motivation. When we channel anger it can become a spark to ignite our intention toward something. Obviously, if it gets out of control it inhibits our peace, but through practice it can be our fuel towards peace. Ambition is the easiest to transform because it interconnects our intentiosn and motivations towards a specific end. Just as long as we don’t become to overwhelmed by this pursuit or consumed by this end, we are safe. Pride can act as a stabilizer, ensuring we incite all of our resources of ourselves. It can also be a form of self-recognition – a vital component of growth in general – just as long as it doesn’t become inflated and have know bearing. Flaunting our accomplishments to other people is destructive, but genuine personal pride can be a very valid form of reinforcement. Avarice causes us to accumulate excess to the point where the process of accumulating – whether the substance is money, stamps, food, etc – becomes a debilitating obsession. The more we liberate our life with certainty and truth, the more happiness we generate from our knowledge and this knowledge is something we can accumulate, but should be something we should not be devoured by. Finally, the fallacious ramifications of envy. When you covet and pry into someone else’s life and become jealous of a quality or item they possess, you only incapacitate yourself because you freeze frame your life into a state of stagnant inadequacy. Transform envy into goal-setting quickly befor remorse and enmity builds against the person. If you see some quality or some item you admire in another person, trust that. Trusting in the appreciation of a goal is the genesis of the greatest goals, from climbing mount everest and breaking the four-minute mile barrier to writing the dictionary. If you let desire wallow and grow, it takes on a life of its own and mutates into envy, which is debilitating. The five impediments to peace, through practice and temperance can easily become key factors in acquiring Petrarch’s perpetual peace. Just remember:

Ambition – don’t grasp goals, but use them as beacons for growth.

Anger – use this powerful intention as fuel to create momentum in pursuits

Avarice – good to generate copious quality

Envy – use the desire to form a goal, not a craving

Pride – use personal pride to stabilize your accomplishments

Let’s try plugging in these five “transformed obstacles to peace” into the real-life example of running to create peace. Set a goal with ambition and try to achieve it, but have low expectations and high attitude, so your ambition doesn’t become overwhelming. When you are frustrated, transform that anger into a sprint and move ahead in the race. When you desire to move up or have envy for someone else’s speed, use that to catch up with them and take a mental note that that is something you want and will achieve later in your training. Use avarice to accumulate quality footsteps and strides, discard accumulations of fame, which is always fleeting, mercurial, and transient. When you are in a well-developed position, use pride to stabilitize your cadence and pace productively. You can use “reformed five”, formerly obstacles for peace, in any situation or scenario. Just remember to trust in your empowerment and capacity to use these devices and aid others in their process, as well.

July 13, 2005

Dreadream 530am

Dreamt I drew all of these slight pictures and met with diffeent people to try to get married. We acted out the lsight picteus (like, meets person in pictures, likes them have ,iod, etc) and eh ones a resonaed most with I was supposed to marry. I went back to city day and talked about missing/making the shot and soe pople mentioned I I was like ryan Spence b/c I made points in b-ball and was a tgtractice, tehn I talked about how I missesome shot and thie rhad been newswpapar lcipping about it and it was agains oem easy school. The clipping said suggested it may habe bben bad luck of someth,g but then mos gradmore said the onlyh bper I had to pllame was my self. The “note cards” had gherern atuer and the people wre read. Wire st udf!

July 14, 2005

DreamDream

Dreamt I kissed Cat C on the lips, but then she and erica got really mad at me because I wasn’t supposed to “for real” (it was just supposed to make someone else jealous). Then I realized I left cookie dough and some things I had started to cook at her house and had to go back. then I dreamt I moved into this place that was white and clean (like Olympic training center). I was in the first floor room right next to the reception/lobby. I was going to walk over to worner center for “orientation” (not sure what for?) and knocked on this study room and Freedom C was on the floor working in solitude (so he wouldn’t get distracted). It was a really cool place and met some RA (chinese guy) who seemed stun to see me. When we shook hands I saw “pomegraneate juice”.

July 21, 2005

DreamDream

I dreamt I was at some camp or school (U of Denver?) and met this circle of people. The emphasis was on the names. A girl named Jeremy is all I remember for sure (Ronald, sam, Rebecca? Have no idea) then they all ran off.

Robin Williams said a very wise quote about the differences and sometimes, conflicting interactiosn between one’s sexual drive and intellectual capacity. He said, “God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time”. Sometimes it truly feels like our sexual drive completely consumes our brain, or that mentally, we are thinking one-sidedly.

American psychologist, lecturer and author, dale Carnegie said, “People rarely

July 22, 2005

DreamDream

Man, whole series of weird dreams last night. Dreamt Robert deniro was a bad guy who was chasing me and this girl. We had him tied up on a bus but he broke out, the bus driver tried to hit him, and then the bus crashed. I survived, the girl lost her entire brain, but “lived”, deniro was in traction, and the busdriver died, I think.

Also had this dream of meeting all these people, too. Really vivid, but I forgot it.

July 25, 2005

Dreamdream

Weird dream: Dreamt that I was in some harry potter book (or was reading it) and it started with harry and ron surfing in this area with sandy moguls, so to paddle outside you had to go over these huge wave hills. Then I ended up in Michigan getting ready for some kind of party, but the atmosphere was really weird. It felt like spring, but it wasn’t normal Michigan. Craziness.

July 31 DreamDream

Crazy Dream. Dreamt I was with these two girls and were in SB house I think (not sure of location) one was wearing a white shirt. They had medium/small boobs, but I ended up sucking on some of them. One of the girl’s boobs had nipples that were an inch long and tasted really weird/gross. Closest thing to a “sex” dream. I was having some monage a trios deal with them and then I ended up doing something else.

Went to uncle dean’s. Showed the home video. Had macaroni pasta salad, sandwiches and peach ice tea (peach ice tea rocked!!!) I talked with sara about teaching degrees and realized teaching is something I’d really like to do! I would want to use a lot of information and connect a lot of it with every field of academia and be in an effective but alternative environment (or a coach carter, type thing would be cool) but that would be something I’d be passionate about and love doing!, then went wakeboarding and inner-tubing. The new flat tub that dean bought was incredible! It was so much fun and it was so hard to stay on and I flew off almost every time after he had a “trial run”. I started laughting so hard I couldn’t breath. It was incredibly awesome!!! I got up on the wakeboard REALLY easily and had some awesome runs even though it was really bumpy and choppy. Then went for a quick 800m run down sarah hill (it was wiered sarah’s clarity reminded me of taylor and that connection was to weird with a cousin, but it was the most I’d talked to sara, I think, in my whole life!) Then showed the dvd to jeff, Daniel, and tyler (tylerr is the cutest thing), he kept saying “buba” for “papa” uncle dean. I realized that joey, sarah, and ryan are uncles and aunts now (now that jeff is a father!). Then had some pie of auntie joanns. Dean and Susan drove me to the airport, told dean about the complimentary thing (should have mentioned NLP) it was awesome. Sat next to a really really smart biologist guy, Howard, who recommended “heart of the sea” about 6 boats that had to paddle from some sunken ship in 150 days or so, about ecology of learning (how learning one smidgen of information interacts and allows you to learn other ares. Like learninag about the ear requires anatomy, physics (acoustics of sound), that physics will require some math, maybe calculus, then you can discuss pyshcology of people who have learning handicaps and how that effects their social life. Then you can expand the “hearing” metaphorically to suggest hearing is based on hearing one’s inner voice (philosophy), then give examples of some people who have used infer voice (English, history, social studies). And you cover all areas of academia with one topic – the ear! Cool stuff. He was a weird guy reminded me of a combination between barry sarchet’s voice, joel ross’s mannerisms, and maybe me (had similar haircut).

Then I sat next to this gardner in a suit, Tino, who hadn’t flown in 10 years and talked about jesus’s teachings and the value of a leader and I trusted the biologist much more even though tino smiled and was really friendly we discussed that only a higher being could create such an amazing human body. Religion and science is a HUGE interest with me. Feelings and reality (reason) are brilliant polarities, too. He talked about this book “the best man that ever lived” or something and said that leaders like JC didn’t need to be present for his teachings to be around, but leaders like napoleon (dictaorship) needed to be present to lead, amazing stuff. Jesus is still “leading” even today. Obvious sign of a great leader, so is prefontaine. Extended learning.

August 6, 2006

6am tp 7am weird dream

dreamt I had killed some woman a long time ago and was working att eh compter and fell asleep, when I awoke I saw that women ins some old white wedding-gown-like dress floating in the compter monit,r then mom popped up and scared the crap out of me!

August 8, 2005

Dreamdream

Dreamt that a bunch of latin people were getting a drink of water. I said it was crazy comparing this one short course to a 5k on the same couse. Mickey fisher was there and I asked her if she used to do water polo (or xc, I forget) she said she did, but thtat she always held her breath after three strokes, so she didn’t anymore. And how pensive reed docey-gebs is and maybe that helps him get chicks, and how the 5mile course seems SO long, but is rally on lt 2miles more than the 5k .

August 9, 2005

DreamDream

Dreamt I was staying in this huge hotel for some kind of contest where you put this snowboard-shaped piece of wood under you and pull your body around the hotel carpet by your arms like a seal (I think during the normal event they put water on the carpet). There were a lot of city day people day like Claire Holland. I was practicing before the contest/game/fun activity and was pulling myself around with just hands for awhile. I saw Justin and he and I were really psyched to see each other. He said that he slept on the floor in his room on the top floor. I said I did this too (I really did sleep on the floor in the cottage tonight). He said he woke up saying there was this “40-year old mansion with people on either side” and below him is the playground (or something) and somebody there I guess woke him up even though no one was above him. Funny stuff!

— later sleeping

Then this other part of a dream had James and I at this big fancy party with hors d’ouerves and stuff at this big hotel with a bunch of old city day friends. There was some kind of ballroom and stuff kind of like a high-rise “mansion” where we take the pictures at city day. I wanted to stay and eat appetizaers, but james wanted to leave, so we left and got on some subway. Right when the train pulled up james got on and said Ahh, because it looked like I had left something on an armrest I nteh station, I sprinte to the chair to discover ti was only some blue books of matches, then the train sped off. I sprinted to try to catch it and ended up above ground near some art institute place and asked somebody how to catch who, who said I had to go back to the station . I went back to the party in the mansion, had a coupel of appetiers, so robby wile’s brother, reven fellars and cement blocks that shreve fellars (I think) was pushing down the stairs. Then I went back home and told james what happened, when he was writing a paper. Then I asked mom to not thorw out old floppy-disk games I had.

August 13, 2005

DreamDream

Crazy dream. Dreamt that I was in Dr. Shultz class and had to write some kind of paper or something, like a constitution? I kep doing this fast downhill running (which I called downhill racing) where I skidded and switched-back like skiing down a mountain. I kept doing this to some kid and caused him to trip o impress alexa. We were in some Michigan area – dr. Shultz was a big theme. Really weird dream!

—

August 14, 2005

I realized that waking up early is going to be all about saying no. Additionaly, making decisions is about saying no and saying that’s stupid, ridiculous, dumb,etc. and have that be the exclusion of the decision process. SAY OFTEN that things look stupid or dumb; that helps you make incredible decisions.

—

man I am really getting on a roll here with this realizations. I used to have one every 5-6 runs, now I have about 10 every run! I really access my essence and it is incredibly illuminating and invigorating! Running just

—

DreamDream

Dreamt I was in this gigantic pool (or sectored-off ocean) like the one in Deep Blue Sea, but with underwater columns and fences and barriers. Ther ewas this massive megaladon shark that kep trying to eat me and this other person. We swam through the columns to avoid it and to the other side of the tank/pool. Eventually I found this harpoon spear that cooul extend a little prong after it punctured through the shark so that it would creat a clamp and couldn’t’ open its mouth. I think I shoved that in it, and then I thought it could get killed in this gigantic underwater smashing device with two vertical wall-smashers that have spikes that would completely close vertically, smashing the shark’s torso to thin paper or severing is tail and head in two.

—

Everyone taps into different areas of time. Some people are way ahead of their generation and might be better in a rock group; some are a few years (coach); other are in the now (decision maker) based on their contemporary essence; the best thing to tdo is to study these and pick the profession that uses your sentient connection, contemporary essence as a strength, not as a disability.

—

I feel so in syn’ now in my life after watching the Mick Jagger documentary and singing and stuff; that really charged me up and made me feel EXTREMELY alive and fun!

—

August 15, 2005

DreamDream

I dreamt that Taylor and I were like married or seriously dating or something because we were at some place with a wakeboard (LO) with the rest of my family. We had wild sex every night in oru room and she kept saying she was sore from these new positions I was trying and “pounding”. But I said she must have been sore from wakeboarding. Thomas kept talking about using the zodiac and we had a wakeboard and two skis.

August 20, 2005

DreamDream

I dreamt that I was in Chicago. James and I were going out to a bar. I ran and showered and got dressed. The bar turned into this outdoor area with trees and the zoo was nearby and then james and I wanted to go see the elephant exhibit. Before the party I made a drink with two shots of this special alcohol (tequila) and I had james try some because it wasn’t like a m-80 bang!, it was like this building actual firework. I started cooking these mini-wok dishes (with woks the size of your palm and really small ingredients) after the bar in MI somehow I kept doing the eye-avoid contact thing with dad, too, when I was making the woks.

August 23, 2005

For College

DreamDream

I had this crazy dream where I was at Latin – the roof of latin I think – and will naito and maybe some other big guy were all dressed up with their hair slicked by spitting onto this ledge/centerpiece playing some tobacco game and whoever’s saliva landed closest to something one this “taco of rolled up tobacco”. One guy called it a tobacco taco, then I said it was like a “tacky taco”. Weird stuff. Something like the huge Indian Jones boulder occurred and that was that.

Chicaog Second City

Chris Farley

John Candy

Bill Murray

Steve Carell

Tim Meadows

Mike Myers

John Belushi

August 27, 2005

DreamDream

I napped from 4pm-5 today right before James b-day dinner in 430 top floor the lower bunk bed. Dreamt that Darcy bonner, or someone really tall, came into the room over there and I screamed “out imp-demon, out!” Really weird, like exorcist stuff, but I was just calling darcy an imp-demon.

—

then mom really did walk in that time a little bit later and it was so weird because she looked so much like darcy – weird how I thought that before it happened, like the strawberries (and the strawberry patch lady dying) awesome stuff. Love life to the fullest. Swieng he pauof oi aclajrleadldjljklajkld jfldfhjsdlhw w just stick to self and lalaalsfjosdk lj.

Goals and plans are truly part of a fantasy, and are part of a dream life. They rarely get accomplished and people focus on them excessively without living their life. They become so focused and fixated on arranging things to be occur, they don’t produce any kind of certainty and live in a fantasy world governed by goals and dreams. An actor’s job, therefore is to make this person – the person reading self-help books, lead by goals – realize that truly living is living the dream. If they are excessively focused on goals, the focus on living life by habit, telling the same things over and over again, until life becomes habitual. People rarely go hay-wire now, and if you’re just operating by habit, then you’re not really living.

I realized out of career, financial, mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual healht. I am 150%, A++++ on the last four, but about a C- or something on the first two. They are all interrelated, physical health was so important itec. and that metnal, emotioan psirit waves in– I see those strong connoectan daohteo aofhasdlkf sjdlfksdajfklas jasdlk;fgasdlkfsd;lkf sdfsadfgsadf sdfsdf

• DreamDream

September 3, 2005

o I dreamt I went to some science professor facility like the science room at Latin, and I went up to a guy that looked just like Reed Fellars – it was Reed Fellars. He looked at my transcript and told me that I was done! His hair was neatly combed and he was wearing a green tucked in collared shirt, but he was definitely there .

Deram dream

9/12/05

dreamd I went for a long run in Chicago, came back late at night sneaking in so no one new I was athere. James and dad were having a conversation upstairs and I could hear them because of a baby intercom. James came out of the bathroom crying saying he had been doing drugs in there (dad sound just lik papa and said, I don’t carre if you shoot a cap up your but oar some ) but I do crae about this, and the y rushed to the outside alley way bckyard and coverd up the cigariette butt,s and then they saw m in the bathroom and I had heard the – really a combinton of having seen Ordinary people and machinist and exoirti and papa home veidioes really

Deram dream

woke up at 745 ran 3.1 miles, wore yellow power tie with dress clothes had very interesting class – said a few things, but few had read ncle tom’s cabin; had ENORMOUS amounts of things to say; afterwards, heard that grace wanted me to trash my program and throw out the disks! Total crazy person, and I told her to stop having evan be your little minio and it is as much oru problem as yours our my problem and I put an enojrmous amount of stuff into it over the weekend and the freak wwalked away from me, shut her door and locked me out! Then I went and got a ton of food, three packages including my bike, which I erally don’t use that much, found out I got 4 A’s in a row this summer (KILLER AWESOME Whoo-whoo! That is so great! I was having fun with the classes, that’s why!) swam at 2:10, then did a little library work, checking out books and ran, got a bunch of stuff at king soopers, like mucho mucho yogurt and stuff and had an awesome time! Made pasta and this rocks@

dreamdream

dreamt that james, Thomas, and I slept in some desert and insects – centimpedes and gross arthropods – crawled in our sleeping bags so we went insie but it took a while for them to get ou; we were at a fancy restaurant and dad took some bread from the table as we were leaving, while we distractd the maitre de.

I dropped some coins in front of the elevator and beah had to hold open the door; then dad r james pulled the fire alaram to keep the door open, when we got to oru floo,r people thought tere was a fire so we laughed

9/21/05

DreamDream

Had wild dream. Dreamt that someone was talking about a really smart guy but something happened to his heart of blood or something and he became a pansexual obsessed with sex (thought they were talking about me). Then in the Chicago basement, taylor Carlson was over and she had massive boobies and about 4-5 eyebrows (all different colors like messed up plastic surgery). I squeezed her boobs and fooled around sitting different ways in those chairs, dry fucking. Then we decided to go into the bathrrom and I did some major boob (over-the-shirt)squeezing there. Then that worlf-runner-sierra’as boyfriend guy showed up and we were about to both have sex with taylor or something. James was playing with blocks or something outside and saw us three – I locked the door, but he looked shocked. Mom and dad must have found out because dad came down in a suit before work and, although he didn’t look into the bathroom, told me to remember this card someone had sent about “Be like abe Lincoln and you’ll do right” or something along those lines. It was primal sexual urges verse societal expectatiosn (id verse superego). It was probably one of my mmost vivid sex dream.s

—

Strange how I got so horny and before I was overwhelmed with thigns to do. I should recoginzie that and love life to the fullest – keep doing thigns and when you do something out lf aling, (like skipping class today), it leads to do things more out of line, etc.

11/13/05

DreamDream

Weird Dream. I dreamt that Taylor was over and was in one the bunk beds that James and I used to have (it was in thomas’s room). I wrote her a nice litter or something and she said it wouldn’t work out between us because there wouldn’t be emotional chemistry or something and she would just be my whore, or something weird. But I looked at that as just playing hard to get. Then I ended sleeping with (it was formal – like assigned roommates or something) with this fairly hot girl wearing a green shirt. She was in a programming class, so I shared my comp. sci. 1 experienece. Apparently she was making a basketball court game. She had imported this mod from another classmate and made a full-court game. I gawked because I only made a half-court program. Then we started to have dry sex and I kept grabbing her boobs underneath her shirt, and she was doing the motions but still looking back at the computer and talking about computer science! Weird. Then I ended watching, or in, something cartoon-like, I think I was (or atleast the protagonist) like some tazmanian devil-like person. A friend was about to leave on a big trip and had shared “Indian Swedish Fish” with people. I thought I wouldn’t get any because I showed up to this party late. I was sitting on the steps as the guy was about to pull away in a cab and he said goodbye and threw a bag at my. “Five Indian Swedish Fish,” he called as the cab sped off. I ate some and ran after him to thank him. The bag caught a big gust of wind and I actually floated off the ground, but then my taste buds kicked in and the Swedish fis hwer eextremely spicy. When the spice kicked in, I lost all of my flying momentum and hit the ground. Wild Weird dream!

11/23/05

DreamDream

Weird dream, I dreamt my family and I were loading up this mini-van that hold all these hors d’oere food things in it. There were banana chips, some rock candy, and all this silver platters of food. I got in a fight with my family aobut stuff and had two bags I was consolidating. This woman in a beige car drove into this parking lot nearby and almost hit me and I flickd her off. At the end I put in a movie that was a taping of some lawyer or something important and my mom started to write something on my chest and I got mad thinking she was doing a tattoo. Really weirdly kind of warped dream.

1/13/05

DreamDream. LOTS of juicy crazy dreams last night. Dreamt that we were at beah’s house and mom and dad told uncle paul and aunt mary that sometimes I said I went to bed early, except paul was more like Anthony robbins, and mary was just totally different (not really the aunt mary I know). They said they could understand that if it was 11, 1130, 1145, 12, but I said it was sometimes 6,630, 7, then they said “steve, come on. We’d know you were up to something”. So they called me steve (prefontaine? Were they implying? Not sure).

In an earlier dream I thought james should write a book “Playing your Ace: Knowing when to draw, bluff, fold, or raise in academics to get As” all about playing the acaedemic poker game to get As.

Damn, I had lots of other dreams, too.

01/17/05

DreamDream

Slept in closet 2nd floor 430 again. Weird dreams.Dreamt that Mr. Hegellund was making us do some singing party bonanza type thing, going away ting that had to do with some kind of ship-like HMS experience. Dreamt that Brett, as some going away present of bday present gave me an extra large $21 doll bill, about 1.75 times as large or 2 times as large and said that it could actually be spent (was worth about $0.04 I think).

Before that I dreamt there was this huge ferocious dog that get viciously barking at me and the owner said he only barked at people he was friends iwt hor something. Kira was interwoven in there somewhere, too.

12/19/05

DreamDream

Dreamt that Ms. Clayton gestured and smiled to me regarding 430, hinting that that was the best place for me. Then a bike was delivered to 430.

Then I was in a totally different scene, walking downtown and ran into a cool guy, driving this really hot girl. I had just ditched this kind of dork/obnoxious guy and I said to the cool guy and girl that we should pick him up (none of us wanted to in the first place, so I shoul have said “there’s that guy. I don’t know if you could fit any more in your car!”) Then the “car” became a red tractor attached to some contraption that felt like the backseat of a car, except that the front was a tractor! Then there was this hot, buff, swimmer girl, he had a sixpack on her back by her spine and the car ended up carrying about 5-6 people, somehow my brother came along and he was sniffling like he was sad. By that time, I was so uncentered and focused on other people that there was no way I could possibly have a chance of hooking up with that initial hot girl when it was just three people including me in the car!

—

Moral of the story, don’t overstretch myself to be nice, that is recipe for frustration and disaster.

-9pm-10am; got 13 hours of sleep, made cornbread, eggs, did jumble, re-hung picture in my room. Wrote and finishedthe stolen-speakers story, it’s 1pm, now.

1/21/06

DreamDream

Dreamt that I was in some kind of math class talking to a person that could have been (atleast strongly resembled) Tal madanes. Jimmy Davis was there, too. The professor looked like a Dany tynan, but very vicious . Tal said he had gotten a high score (I think it was only in the 5 or 600s) on some standardized test (SAT, possibly?) and then Tynan yelled in front of the whole class, that his father had signed him up for a handi-capped Israeli version, and that he wasn’t that good at mouth and then he screamed and wrote on the board that tal was an introvert. Meanwhile, I reworked math problems I knew how to do while jimmy worked ahead almost all the problems in the class.

—

This dream implies negativity by making me erroneously think tha themy awesome GRE was illegit, I am like tal madanes, and that I don’t work ahead. That GRE couldn’t’ have been more official! I am in much better shape than tal, we have similar habits of eating food and reading books, but everyone does that, I knew him, I am no where as talented as him with punting in soccer, I am MUCH faster, possibly smarter in some areas for sure, and totally different. I do work ahead but hope I can do more of it. Also, I hope I can accept that French, and othe rsimilaritiates might occur with tal, but hope that I never have bad qualitites that resebmel anyone. And laove itlaei ujamf..

2/05/06_Night

3:43pm

DreamDream

Dreamt that I was in a school (like City Day)wearing my three-piece suit vest. One girl student, Mary, I think — that resembled james in some way — was saying how cool her model plane was with the grey parts. Another student was saying that it wasn’t real and was just fake plastic. They were fighting and I broke them up, and told mary to recognize the other students argument of avoiding over-indulgence and I told the other student to recognize Mary’s argument of the power of belief. Then I told those two people, which were family, if dinner was on that friday. I said that Jeff Cathey wanted to have dinner with me or a meeting arrangement on Friday, but I was already having dinner with Matt Birnbaum; they suggested that I talk to them later

2/10/06

DreamDream

Dreamt that other people were putting on diaper-pants, too. I can’t wear my mom’s sport-jacket, nor my dad’s stuff. I MUST. It is absolutley vital to pick out and decide with tremendous selective attention exactly the things you want or do not want. Accepting things that you did not pick out causes tremendous problems. For example, take an example of purchasing a bike. You go to the bike store and salesmen throw the top-line models at you, the best deals, and you decide and purchase a bike. However, if you asked questions about where to find a certain type of bike, and then discovered a catered option of those bikes, you would then find many examples that you like and purchase one. Frequently we accept things that are given to us that do not fit our life, our psychology, our agenda, our priorities. These — if they are not quickly discarded — become tremendous burdens. They weigh us down. Look at clothing. I wear have 2 suits to choose from, one blazer, a few pairs of casual pants, some athletic clothes, and casual shirts — that’s all. However,

2/11/06 DreamDream

Dreamt there was this hot woman and this contractor old guy and they hired me as a narchitect. I earned $5000 showing up monday and wednesday with a minor degree in architecture and making a few cuts. I jokingly said there are some architects, I am sure — that call in and order a protractor on their vacations because they need to work!

—

2/12/06 Sun

5:56 DreamDream

Dreamt that I went back to CCDS. There were three people on the green playground field. One of them was Christopher Uthe. Him, and some other people (james maybe?) started sending emails on this row of computers that was in the grass. We were sending emails to people and to the other people in the row of computers. He was sitting next to me and I apologized to him for ever being mean to him or insulting him behind his back. Then mike maizels was suddenly at one of the computers. I said that I apologized if I ever excluded him to talk to with CCDS people (that’s kind of what I needed to do then to talk to uthe).

REALIZATION: I realized this is the 9th step of the 12-step program (making amends; unless amends would injure people). I am totally cleaning my body and mind of impurities.

—

Then I dreamt Brynn and I were having sex and we were playing this game of letting one person just totally do whatever to the other person who had to not touch at all but just submit –then we switched, taking turns. Very hot image.

—

I dreamt that I might have tried to make out with that breck-liike person and then punch him. Wasn’t sure if I was fighting or connecting with soem men. The brynn scene was REALLY hot though.

—

I realized I allow people to distract me SO SO much. Immediately after making a schedule of things I wanted to do, I saw a woman carrying some bread and I thought she was signalling me to grocery shop instead. I do that because of Doubt! I doubt the order of my schedule and have people influence it. The old saying: “if you don’t program yourself, people will program your life for you. You must have a plan or else someone else will create that plan for you. You have to fight for your agenda because everyone gives messages about what you should do with your agenda. Recognize that your business, minding whatever is on your schedule is not only the most important thing in your life, but it gives you the freedom to truly live your life with full dynamism. My schedule got warped when thomas came home b/c I went out of my way to talk to him instead of focusing on the damn schedule! Also, with the improv stuff, too. I need to really really focus on the schedule and mentally visualize each step, for it to hold! Just like a marathon!

2/15/06

3:56AM:

DreamDream. Very interesting dream. A lot of Latin stuff, James stuff, and hot big-boob girl stuff. This big-boobed girl in a white shirt was shadowing me at Latin, we bought lunnch together and she said somethign like, “it’s okay for the strong people to go more than twice (in regards to sex”, so maybe she was hinting at we’d have sex 3 times. Then we sat down with my family and James and I got in a fight and I was chasing him around the lunch tables, but then we ended up joking and having an awesome time — really connecting. Dr. Thornton was talking the whole time in teh background, too.

—

Enuresis last night. First time in a long time. Here was my day yesterday: Ran at 10am, then Xport swim 8 and ran mile and lifted. Met Angie in pool — very cool woman from missouri — talked about valtudo, kung fu, martial arts, swimming, biking and running, and how I might go back to my old dojo and how she was into advertising and was thinking about getting back into martial arts, too. Then I stopped in fleetfeet znd talked with this woman about naturally-ocurring pronation (frequent), neutral (fairly frequen) and supination (very rare), and how you should look at your natural state (of poor eye sight or something) not as defects, but as somethign that should be embraced as an indication of what’s intrinsically best for you. She was maya clone and it was definitely a fight. Then I talked to 2nd City people, went home, signed up for a second city class, ironed my clothes, had a burrito, called Dr. P, got in suit, practiced VYL, left saw Paul, talked about hockey (and at bars), picked up suit, went to City hall, filled out business license form, checked out the city clerk’s office, (met two woman that SERIOUSLy resembled lara and brynn from Xport) then stopped at Latin and saw a Quarter of thomas’s game, then came home, watched news, and went to sleep at 9:30. Feel rested, awesome and alive!

2/18/05

DreamDream

Dreamt that i was at the parson’s house and I needed something from one of the trunks of their cars so I went out and opened all the trunks and found some kind of battery booster and hooked that up for fun, I must’ve found some maps or something, so I was looking at those (I felt like Kramer in jerry’s apartment) then I looked up in horror and saw that peter parsons was sitting in the car (waiting for a ride) and had seen me going through their trunks. It was okay though.

——-

Okay, wok-up at 6am, showered, ironed my clothes from last night, had cereal, read paper, talked to mom, then dad, then jack (jack is SO cool), the ultimate compliment I want to say to jack that I think it’s a compliment, it depends on what you think of me, that determines it as a compliment about the brother thing. i should’ve just said, It’s true, you are alike a stepbrother. it’s 930am now, and I plan to go running soon.

3/30/06

DreamDream

Long, elaborate, amazing, fun, happy dream. It was happy because it had some fun, amazing people from my past in it. First off there was this some kind of camp. Erica brooks was reading by this tree and I walked by her and then walked by her again, she said, “You look dizzy” to go see these three soccer fields (some other group, JV, and varsity). At the varsity field, all the players were in white, but were playing each other. Camilo (ccds) asked me (Or I asked him, I forget) if there were any napkins and he was with a girlfriend of his. Then it flashed to definitely the CCDS cafeteria. Jimmy, some other people (jeff z, bret, darcy, maybe maren, definitely Dr. Shultz, alexa?) were sitting, scattered around the cafeteria tables all our current age, about, I went over to one table and picked up the yellow napkin holder and and distrubed napkins very lavishly, extravagantly, saying , “here are the napkins, napkins, servielletas”. Then I joked to the CCDSers that whenever we went to McDonalds, “Ronald Mcdonald was always there”, and I was hinting that Dr. Shultz had dressed up like Ronald Mcdonald. Shultz then laughed and said to me, “you faxed it to me”. I had faxed some things to other people earlier on and guess that weaved into it.

April 5, 2006

DreamDream

Dreamt I was in SB, said I was going to Florida, I think for a weekend, with Jamie Del Rio (maybe?) but then went biking on this beachfront trail with Tom fort and did some awesome fun surfing at this beach point.

I remembered how exceptional I was outside the Coral when Cortland and Graham were there. I wanted to stay out in the water, but cortland went in so I went back to shore, but I loved it out there adn rocked. I’m pissed my board got swept away. I will get a great board back, I know it!

—

3 hours Later

Dreamt I was on the bus and peopel were discussing the words respect versus reverence. Someone said that reverence was about titles, I think. Before that some guy, I think, asked if he knew Morpheus or if I knew morpheus or someone like that and then got off and transformed or something. Then I was defintiely in the 428 Kitchen and someone was talking about managing challenges and I used the example of a class, saying, yeah if your’e in a Calculus 7 class and you’re struggling iwth it…then the person said yeah, the normal reaction would be that Calculus 10 would be harder, insinuating that if you were exceptional at matyh, Calculus 10 would be easier because it woudl be goign more at yoru pace! Then I remembered the Calc.1 class with the tropical shirt guy.

Math, I feel, truly organizes your brain on a superb level!

4/20/06

Dream Dream

Dreamt an awesome dream. I flippered up onto boat very much like the SEA boat, and they said I had to take my flippers off, and ther ewas josh petty and some friends. George bush and donald Rumsfeld were on the boat in suits and there were bickering and fighting about something. I looked at my small cramped, claustrophic bed space and then put flippers back on, dumped my waterproof bag overboard and dove in the water and swam away! What I really wanted to do!

4/26/06

Wierd Dream:

Dreamt that I was watching this bigscreen movie in a theater with some red chairs covered and I could change the tape to the sec ond movie, but there wer esome people looking at aps in the basement, and this huge fat guy got bowling balls put on him, then I ignited him on fire and quickly got myself in a stone fireproof rom, so I was safe.

5/8/06

Wierd Dream

DreamDream

Was at some convention where larry king spoke, but he looked and acted like Dan Miller from the C Innovation Awards, and george bush was there. There were all these sophisticated, smart, hippie-nerds well dressed that seemed to be like my group. This old beth-like woman gave me a 2nd parking ticket and I complained that I was right there and put the coin in immediately after. There were pods of groups/cliques I was trying to find mine. The shaved head, clean, clear, smart, group pf people seemed to be a connection.

August 27, 2006

130 Palm Tree Lane

Catching major up on sleep.

DreamDream

Very vivid dream and with only one other person, my computer programmer friend, RV. This is strange because usually my dreams were smorgasbords of flashes of friends, this was just solidly RV. We met for a “friend-reunion” very casual business meeting in a nice restaurant. His computer business had grown to about 20 employees. He mentioned how much food he had eaten a few days ago (obviously biking/eating was an undertone). I commented on how he will always be a better coder.

Obviously my recent coding sparked this dream. I was thinking any idiotic college bloke can read a book and call himself a literary genius but math — math builds upon previous learning and seems like the most impressive form of learning.

Tom Kuczmarski is a brilliant saint; a kind, kindred spirit; a generous, benevolent soul; a miraculously intelligent individual, the epitome of a smooth, smart, strong, individual.

Spending time in LA — outside of school and my parents house is a Terrific reality check because it seriously has me

August 29, 2006

DreamDream

Very vivid, real, and intriguing dream. Dreamt that I was with my old city day peers, and a few people from highschool. There was this selection process that was very ceremonial — like a trial or a wedding procession. Bret walked down this aisle and then proceeded to drip/feed a slice of orange to all of these girls (Kira, Alexa, Anna, Jacqui and others that seemed familiar) and then he picked one to be his wife. Then I did the same and bret brought the orange, I joked that I was the ring-bearer at his wedding (which is like Uncle Paul) and discussed how I was going to pick Alexa, Jaquie, or this other person, all of them ate the orange but those three . Then I was walking around still trying to decide and Kira popped up saying what Justin had said about the field earlier was totally fake. I had missed kira in the process. Also, Justin seemed to be untrrustworthy. I went through a dilemma of kira all those other three and thought about both and then thought about how awesome my life would be if I was so instantaneously decisive always making the correct decision, that decisiosn never existed.

On that note, I realized that if I had more money, I could do anything. I could just drive to my grandmother’s because I wanted to and I wouldn’t have to worry about brining food, or a place along the way because with money, wherever you are, that has what you need, mroe or less.

110106

DreamDream —

Dreamt aunty joann was using the cateye stationary outside the 428 kitchen bathrroom and said she liked it better than her bike (which I told her I rode) then she fell over in the bike.

Uncle dean ran a 4 minute mile and a doctor came up to him and told him he woudl pay him if he stopped running for his health. He said he traiend to eat all this food and then ran it again very well.

———

the similarities between uploading data and plugging into the matrix as Jonny/Neo are huge. You can see strong resemblances between teh movies. Keanu was cast as a partial-neo long before matrix in this flick. the don’t hit his head thing was pretty itneresing. way I feel sometiems with massive inforamtion sessions donwload/upload. the villian is a pretty cheesy actor.

12/3/06

DreamDream

Dreamt I was staying at beah’s house and went to school, but was in 5th-8th grade or so. I walked home with a pack of kids to this one kid’s house. He had this cool tram “gondola-like” lift that had a red/green, on/off switch to turn on a radio frequency recieving device. It had those jumbo headphones that you could listen to the radio, too. We watched a really good movie with the kid from a “perfect world” in it. The next day I snuck back into that kid’s house and watched the movie, but then all of his family and relatives came home and I told them the walk back would have been too problematic. Clint Eastwood was there and some other actors. They weren’t bothered at all and asked me to help fill the stockings! Eastwood was holding the kid from the movie and I told him he was AWESOME in “a perfect world”.

12/9/06

AMAZING night out in chicago party scene. Met up with Johhny B at The Spot. He had a TON of energy. It was athletic one-half, improv-folk the other half. Met this fairly sexy, hot actress woman with the electric shock jolt hand shake, another nice looking hot woman and some other blokes. Then rolled to exedus 2. Some of the best dancers I’ve ever seen in my entire life. LOVE — I LOVE the jamaican scene. The intense rasta music I LOVED. Totally Totally Totally blood was very entertained and maybe connected with that. Afterwards, I went to Dueling Pianos and talked with this like 35 year-old woman about me wearing a three piece and she knew that I was 22 some how. She then introduced me to other women to meet. I really liked her, though! I also realized, she was kind of like alexa, and her friends like zoe, and/or taylor. VERY cool and alive awesome stuff. Good tricks I learned were to tense stomach INTENSELY and READ the signs. My biggest flaw and fallacy is thinking I know it all, when I MUST read the signs of PEOPLE — about what I should say/do. Then I whipped the british accent and some AWESOME dude kept trying to introduce women to me. A lot of love there. That dude

12/18/06

DreamDream

Dreamt I was in an indoor pool, kind of like a lake, swmmin on my own but doing dives and under water swims. The rest of the “group” was practicing paddling in a yellow survival boat. I pranked sneaking up on them underwater, afterwards I seemed to notice people’s fear-meter more. I shook Kieth fort’s hand and his blood pressure (or fear meter?) dropped then I shook it again and it went back up . A woman resembling Mark’s daughter (in MI) we had three chances to hook up, first going into a place, next with a little clothing, and next naked. I saw her naked when talking to keith.

I am feeling more and more aware that my “intelligence”, like everyone’s intelligence is an act. I know how to act, sound, and “be” in telligent. That’s the glasses ,intellectual act. I want to work on my acts of Romanctic (fun, loving, affectionate, nice, generous, kind, sexy, seductive, attractive) and Defense (serious, cutting, aikido reflex, barrage, arsenal of comebacks, intense). The Intelligent act is fantastic for successs, image, and progress. The Romantic is great for happiness, identity — namely women, and surfing. The Defense is a stabiliizer it keeps me moving forward by fending off people who attack me in either the Romantic or the Intelligent acts. The Defense ensures positive, STABILIZED movement. So how do I

12/20/06

Dreamt the cottage in SB was HUGE, you could see zcross massively and it was mom’s office and you could park cars in there it was so big, There was a MASSIVE conference room a pciture of william wallace braveheart and it was like a fully decorated warehouse. A little pool guy was working on some small pool outside and it was a secret how big it was.

12/23/06

Ransdells last night (their awesome m

1/0?/2007

DreamDream

Great Dream. Dreamt I had some beautiful hot indian woman and we all got gifts or something. I wanted to make my kid a bow and arrow set or a canoe or something. and she kept hunting/gathering. and someone else kept shooting arrows

January 9, 2007

DreamDream

Really freakish dream. Dreamt I was punching this little mini-dude and I hurt him so I ran off and then ended up in a Becket Rooms and no one new it was me acting until I told them, then when they cast new parts they let me in because they new I could and wanted to, I volunteered to do the elevator social-work.

REALIZATIONS

I am never going to do what my father does for a living — consulting ,teaching, writing — in the way that he does it because it’s ineffective; his classmates aren’t engaged, his readership won’t make changes and his clients don’t really want to change. I’m committed to the passion that Steve Irwin lived by. He brought out the best of people by thrusing real live animals in their snobby lives. His inconquerable enthusiasm was indomitable and he was an amazing person.

Jan. 20,2007

DreamDream

Okay weird, very vivid dream involving a marathon, sex, hookups, and the beach. First off, dreamt I ran a marathon in Chicago. The city had planted new horizontal trees where the old one used to be and I was in a car for the first few miles of the race but there was a lot of traffic so I got out and ran it. But also in the car was this French-speaking/foreign woman who had taken her top off (she was treating the car like a cab). I think tdk had been driving nad beah was in the car. But when I got out, the foreign topless woman followed me and it turned out to be Angelique (the hottest woman I’ve ever seen). I somehow had swimming trunks on and had only my credit card. We ran down the beach passing a surf instruction class. I told her people were learning to surf. My credit card broke/tore. We swam out a little bit a way from shore (it was a crowded beach and it could have been pacific coast or Lake Michigan. Then she started giving me a blow job off and on while I looked her boobs and we hooked up in the water. There was another couple hooking up and I video taped us and this other woman asked me to secretly video tape them and then I woke up.

January 20, 2007

DAY JOURNEY

Cleaned the house and closets with susan

February 19, 2007

DreamDream

Dreamt I was roommates with brett and I wanted to send a lot of stuff (beach hat, bottle of fluid, candy, clothes) to kira hesser via an owl, but I had to be selective so the owl could fly. Bret asked what I wanted to do and I said “go meet girls”, then he said, okay, we should get loosened up and have some drinks first. Before that a bunch of us were on the beach and we swam out to an island and then island hopped.

So cmmon themes: city day friends, beach, Hawaii, harry potter

Feb 20, 2007

Okay realized tom is comfortable talking to me about moving out (doesn’t like talking ot me about a job); susan is comfortable about talking to me about a job (but not moving out)! Resolution: try talking to tom about job and susan about moving out – that’s their areas of expertise. Susan knows all about moving out; tom knows all about professions. Jolly good. Or just talk to them about what the tendency is.

February 21, 2007

DreamDream

Great wild dreamt. Dreamt I was with City Day and SEA students, seth (CCDS), Siana (SEA) and others and we were at some retreat camp. I got a great photo-shoot with this beautiful tan-skinned Japanese woman wearing a flower bikini. I put my camera on a pedestal and set the timer and ran over to this fence and climbed up to get a self-timer photo of me and 3-4 other friends that were there, and it timed perfectly, but when I got back to the camera, Justin had taken out the battery and/or flash and said it didn’t work, but he just broke it on purpose. Next we were in some lodge-like hut place with separate lines and I was fascinated and turned on by the Japanese women in there. Seth complained about soreness in his leg and the Japanese woman described where it was. I was like “how do you know that”, she said because of the way he walked, but it could’ve been because of how he walked, if he had told her about his aches, or if she had had sex with him. I went with to this other group with this Chinese woman and they right all kinds of numbers, hieroglyphics, and japanese characters on our hand with a magic marker, for some kind of game or group id.

Feb 22, 2007

Rule 1 in life: You can’t talk about what you dislike; you can only talk about how much you enjoy and appreciate things you do like. If you know what’s good for you (more specifically, if you know about the law of attraction), you won’t waste time focusing in on what you dislike. The more time you spend criticizing things you dislike – even if the focus is a loathing distaste – you’ll be more apt to be forced to work with that situation again.

Great realization. People in your life aren’t real. You create them. It’s all a dream. The integrity of the globe depends purely on your mind. Most importantly, you don’t have to feel bad for people because they aren’t real. Don’t feel bad for something that doesn’t’ exist. Parents are the perfect example because they, remember, say things and say things completely contradicting themselves the next day. They completely and totally aren’t real). What does this do for your mind? It ridicules being negatively (or even positively) affected by them, because they don’t exist. Would you be severely impacted by a step you step on? No, it’s not a real person. This makes you feel clear and good and strong because you can stay focused on multiplying your existence with verisimilitudes not from the soul, or deviating from certainty, but the heart – the greatest source of epiphany and originality. You don’t have to try to impress them just as much as you don’t have to make them laugh. They don’t exist. Enjoy that.

March 28, 2007

DREAMDREAM

428 Roslyn

1st dream facing north-west. Dreamt I was doing this nirvana obstacle course where you had to tangle and go over these horizontal bars all with the nirvana lyrics playing on them or you had to sing them. Alexa and molly were watching. Then when I completed it, I got to suck alexa’s boobs and have crazy sex.

2nd dream facing north-east.Dreamt I was on the beach and my total body was tan – tan, warm, brown colors — and I had the hair that went up and back, not a fro, but slicked up, and I always talked to a person when I landed from surfing, landing perfectly next to them — it was smooth. Then there was this dude on the beach like ramon. Then there was this hot blond-haired woman on the beach who had her laptop and we flew back and I was going to SB and she was going to Canterbury tales, and then I kind of started following her.

3rd dream facing north-west. Dreamt I was some teacher in a school and I got these kids to stop smoking by saying, “If you stop smoking, you’ll be a knock-out”. It turns out that “knockout” meant that they’d get to fight in some UF fight. Then I saw these kids smoking hookah-bong hits out of this mini trainset and I said if they stopped doing that, their grades would sky-rocket. Then at the end of the year all of them stopped doing the bong hits and we did this zero-gravity plane ride. So I got them to stop smoking and bong hits.

April 4, 2007

GoodDream

Dreamt I was in Michigan or something and went for a run. When I came back holly from the TF class (She had somehow taken the class) was there (and so was maya and other people but I didn’t focus on them). I probed her for info on the class and she said that it WAS destructive and it did target me. Finally some clarity on that; that made me feel better. Then we were all in the MI kitchen and tdk made some awkward move with ssk (like the too-early grab for a boob on a first date) and I asked about randy and someone being gypsies, and then we were going to Michigan that day. Maya clicked my glass on something trying to “act intimate” and I clicked it but then I clicked thomas’s to make it seem negligible and that was that. Solid. I felt MUCH more clear around holly than maya. The best part was I started telling stories and feeling my old self then we got a funny picture of someone (maybe the kokatays) holding james ,Thomas, and my laundry. Wow, insightful dream.

MARCH 6, 2007

REALIZATION

Wow, my dreams are really shaping professional opportunities for me! I dreamt this woman in a parking lot – after some race? – asked I I was the one who had tried to give her massage advice. In short, Istarted a side massage business.

I really can picture my self with 3 business cards for each of these three business! Sweet and it wouldn’t hurt to run them all because I would only gain more clients. There wouldn’t be any downside in other words! Wow, this is some great realizations. This is BRILLIANT! Because I’ve had an enormous amount of opportunities and time to successfully and creativiely care for and nurture my body, heart/emotions, and mind and now I can do that with the three businesses – validatelife, PRO, and spyderbyte.

3/20/07

DreamDream

Dreamt I was in italian class and they were handing out chickens in an assembly line!

Major realization here. I realized that I get so frustrated with my dad because his presence causes me to trigger a reaction wehre I feel guilty if I don’t entertain him with acting, and actions, and movements, and all this shit. And the exchange that we’ve set up is that I do that and he gives me “wisdom” that he thinks is valuable, but that I, ultimately, don’t want to hear. The catch is that I DO like entertaining for people. Except that I would much rather have them change and be inspired by the entertainment, instead of simply getting a kick out of it, which is what my parents do.

Resolution

Look at them for entertainment – their usually is none. That one dude at the club was really focused, which was cool, but other than breck, most people aren’tentertaining. Intellectual performer. That’s what I want to get paid for. That’s what I love to do. Intellectually perform!! But here’s the thing with pay, I’ll entertain if I have to.

March 25, 2007

DreamDream

Dreamt I was at a concert and had to play the drum thing of Jane’s Addiciton song. Darcy ran into me and said that Anne Liggio made him a copy of the mix I gave her. There also was a lot of great presentation stuff. VERY cool, colorful amazing dream

All my dreams the pst 2-3 days have been extremely colorful and lively and great, and then I wake-up to dark, miserable Chicago. Hopfully, I’ll find those good times wherever I am, in reaity.

June 15, 2007

aDreamDream

Dreamt that this flow of animals came to 428. After a cat and then a loaf-of-bread sized mini golden retriever. A mean cat with a patched eye (and the rest white) scared some away, but then a fox came and some other animals to be cured, taken cared of, and/or healed. I took the first cat and the mini retriever in my car and headed out west I think. Last I remember was being on some beach.

Next dream was in some library where I saw a book Called “Saint…something” or “Prophet..something” about this spanish dude who looked exactly like me! black and white and very serious. But when I tried to get the other copy, I realize it had a diffferent cover and was really some indian book my parents had called “making people unlimited” or something (that totally wasn’t the name). Then my mom frantically started to take me to other bookstores to find books fora writing project.

June 16, 2007

DreamDream

Dreamt I was reading a piece of lettuce to my parents which explained this art challenge where you had to make or create art for a month so that other artists respected you as an artist, or actually believe you to be an artist!

I am learning SO much from my cat!! playing, behavior, how to connect and be certain! Everything baby! yeah. Also, regarding RotoA, I have to realize that if someone shuns me, it’s their loss, because it only helps people! It only is fun and surfing (ocean – me – with all that water) and wildness and that’s awesome! Also, there are always these little awesome “hints” like the women at ACS wearing shoe-booties like surfing, and the mini captain, (When you run) to make your dreams work out!

June24, 2007 10:57pm

Well, i killed the cat today. it’s neck snapped as it was flung across the woomafter it was recovering from refeeding and bloated stomach due to water inhalation.

This is a very serious email. It’s obvious to me that chicago and chicagoans seriously are not compatible with me, nor I compatible with them. They’re vile, disgusting, vomitous people. i’m sick of this sickeningly situation. but i don’t want to criticize them. That’s not fair. the best thing to do. the only thing to do is to get back to CA. That is where my heart is. That is where i want to be. CA is awesome!

DreamDREAM

Dreamt that I was in some big easter egg hunt – kind of dreary place – with friends. one guy was some bully who they sent to kill off a cliff, evyerone was happy, then a huge swarm of giant flying bugs was conjured.

June 27, 2008

9:48 Pm, DreamDream – Just slept from about 11am to now in MI cottage

Dreamt I was with these three hot, kitten/cat like girls who left a blue footprint, a yellow, and a red, and all went different directions. My dad showed up and saw the footprints after I talked with a doorman guy (like joshua), and after I played with the girls and after meeting with him, I was too serious to play with them anymore.

Basic themes: obviously shows negative impact father had on me.

June, 2007

.

Vi

Dream

Was on a boat

Viisited this huge house. It was just beth and I and beth was cleanig each of the 9 floors. There was an elevator, but just a platform that raised up and down. I went to empty the wastebaskets of the up 8 and 9th floors wile she was cleaning the 7th. She sounded like marley, breeze, and maren. i had a boner on the 8th and 9th floors. Then marely was angry about something and pused beth and was dangling on the t4th floor but survived.

Outside teer was 2 dogs that sat and watched.

Earlier I was on a ship.

Dreamdream

very peculiar dream. Dreamt I was at this huge banquet with a lot of cobalt members, some african american women, and other people (about 20), and then we went to get cake and ice cream and I snuck some raspberry icecream that we weren’t supposed to have; then I made a toasst saying things couldnt be better: i was kind of involved in this band and things going great.

I remembered listening to lenny kravitz after visiting maya; rememerd tom fort’s teeth chattering; blind mellons in 5th grade; block spaceships in jk;

dreamdream

dreamt I was partners with this girl and she took massive notes about cube something and then about seaweed in the ocean; we were doing some kind of bball player. Early bauer saw this one play where I passed off the way to flip tot the other side of the cort (underneath the basket and it would work wih 2 other passers

themes: bball, ocean, project.\\L

later on emiy wickersham was definitely in the dream. There was this older man (dad from home alone). Emily wickersham left the room when he showed up because she didn’t like him, dropping me the hint that he wanted to be a doctor (he was a markteter or teacher now or something). So then I go up to him and say, something direct like , “so how’s it not being a doctor”. he’s startled and taken aback and says “what” and then go into details of teaching and that profession or something and he leaves stunned but in a better place (he might have been like greb baker)

Next uncle dean (and I am helping out somewhat( are cooking a huge dinne – like hundreds of people could be fed – but it’s in the 428 dinning room. Salad is a main course. There is a skunk-like dog and 2 rabbits running around that the kids are playing with, I sit down and eat a few bites and tehn go back to computer work in the next room. My laptop has about 50 chords on it. Tdk criticizes me for not eating. I come back for desset and he jokes, “well now I can pretend to eat with you” (because everyone else has eaten). I go into the kitchen and there is shrimp cocktail and tiramisu dishes to be sreved to about 100-400; uncle dean talk in huge detail about beer types. I realize that if you know a lot about everything, you can really thread in different people’s interests in a single conversation.

jul7 18,2007

DreamDream

VERY strange dream. dreamt I ended up back at 428. ssk and tdk wanted me to have breakfast, i didn’t want to, because it would mess up my run, pllus when I looked at the mini breakfast table, they were all in their same seats and eating 100% natural cereal and the whole table looked dark and dreary (good! i turned the color down on them!) Then I went upstairs and jsk was in the bathroom about to shower back from travel. I was excitred to see him; his hair was all combed over one side. i said he looked like jordon elliot and then he said he and jordan were going to make these types of nuts shere they cut one nut to make it look like another nut, (so it would look like an almond, but still taste like a pecan – weird). then ssk and tdk stormed upstairs to get me to go to breakfast. i hid in the luggage closet, but the door faced S instead of E. the went upstairs and said I don’t think he’s there. then I cranked the knob a bit and ssk found me. Then we were all in tmk’s room and tmk and I kept slapfighting each other. it looked kind of serious but it felt kind of fun. .tmk kept breaking us up and eventually threatened us so we stopped. finally we were looking at these two pieces of paper with lots of pairs of different colored shapes. each pair looked like the same color and shape, but when you saw the cheassheet, it was obvious that there wer hujdreds of subtle differences (whan said BAlmer the other said Balmer, for example).

July 18, 2007

DreamDream

dreamt i was in some gym. there was a snowman building thing and then we had to karata chop the snowball. I was in a group with seth, brett, maybe zack, justin? people like that. then I went to the front of the gym and came back and jeff z and d someone (darcy? probably not) missed the entire snowball on the karate chop, so I realized I was in the wrong group. my group was doing really well. hitting all the karate chops. The n bret d. decided to get this briefcse of i think $100 in coines all very neatly baggied and organized, etc. then we playede poker. I wanted to cash in our chips for real money but didn’t want to play with a hosue dealer.

10/8/2007 8:31 AM

DreamDream

Very interesting dream. Dreamt I went to church; a lot of colors and Alexa H sat next to me during service along with her sister. It was restricted talking because of the service, but I was very happy to see her. Told her about meg’s show; asked about some other stuff. Then I said I was profusely sweating because “I had been “praying” to meet up with her and now I jut met up with her in church!” Then I left supposedly for meg’s show. There was a LOT of vivid colors in the church . Then I masturbated to her breasts and ass; and to kira.

Yesterday

DreamDream dreamt I was pickup up leaf debris in Beah’s backyard, George, Nick, and some other smith came by and we went for a walk. Nick and I talked about not finding work, which just made me more frustrated. One guy had one of those mini-garbage sweepers he used on stuff.

11/21/2007 12:14 PM

DreamDream

I dreamt seth sinclair and I were talking to people around some school (like latin) for papwerwok. I tried to get all of my gym test physical body test results printed up with an extra copy, but needed an extra 100 dollars to pay this woman. I got infuriated at how the city always wants my money , and I don’t have any. I screamed Fkkkk around kids and hten ran with seth because some moms/teachers were tryig to figure out who said that.

Conclusions: I don’t feel like this is my life. In fact, I KNOW this isn’t my life. My life is saying my books out loud, it’s surfing, it’s living out doors, it’s with kids, it’s away from the paperwork, no it has TRANSCENDED paperwork.

Great wisdom from hiro allthroughout. This is a great show. MUST mult-tsask movies.

11/24/2007

Drea0DRea0

Brothers and dad and I were on some helicopter then a really high-up dock, and launched off a towel with a microchip in on it and prpelled it through slude stuff.charlie sheen and I were looking at gifts to buy denis richards One was a wierd loom, hammock-like bed, whicker. Then at 428, got dressed for party, wore 2 shirts, collared, and white pants with brown shoes and leather jacket. inroudced for like half a second, denise richards and chalrie to parents and JAmes, james kept saying he could proofread my paper (book report, contract,or speecb or something), we left me and denise richards snickering at james. Then charlie was stumbling and I went back to change pants to the white I think, beauase he was hit by a car, which was really smashed! Then at the ceremony, we at at high stool-like table chairs. and the guy from Magnolia and fargo kept commenting on chqrlie’s collar telling im to loosen it, denise and I played footsie. such a well-place(the type of dreams I want to have with celerity people I trust).

12/25/2007

DreamDream

Dreamt that I had to transport these slimy, embryo-like penguin monkey things (they were bloody), and it took me forever to figure out that I had to pick them up from their feet. Maybe they were like wierd baby dinosaur-like creatures. There were like busienss people around who didn’t care about saving them or something.

Monday, February 11, 2008

938am

DreamDream. I think I just had one of the most relaxing sleeps and drems of my life! I think I attribute it to the slow, gradual, peaceful, but definitely forward-moving Weekly review session I had last night right before going to be bed, while playing baroque music. I just picked up a slip of a todo and did it !!! then moved on to the next one, it wasn’t panic, it wasn’t jumping around, it was just doing the slips if I could and getting a TON done. Sleep was from 1130 – 930 so 10 hours and GREAT hours and SOoooo peaceful. The dream. I dreamt I was in a nice suit with a cheesy plaid jacket but I had to take photos with 2 women and rotate other two women. It was in som high-ceiling very fancy place like a very nice hotel, but quite ornate. The dad or photographer their said I was like “their baby”. Then I’m taking a photo with one girl and jessica farinella and I put my arm around jessica’s waste and I’m like “Jessica you have the same hip/waist size as you did freshman year!” and she started laughing because it was a nice compliment. She was reallly hot. awesome dream and VERY rejuvenating sleep! wow!

awesome dream and VERY rejuvenating sleep! wow! I also attribute it to teh peaceful awesome classical music, just that slow, deliberate, peaceful zen state of just knocking off those thigns in my NA, Actions, Reference, etc and PROCESSING and gathering everything in clubhouse and putting them in “Electronics – Misc” and “Hiking” bins and having the shed organized and reading my junior year journal and just FINALLy getting stuff done and having MASSIVE scope of everything I’m doing AND putting it in my_mind_updated. AWESOME. it’s so simpe, zen, stress-free, but also SOOO rpoductive and ontop of everything! Man, I haven’t felt this peaceful and clear and “in a peaceful zone” probably since I was bout 2 or 3!!!. Sweet! So realixing. I haven’t had a sleep like this in years!! It was magically soothing!

One thing I’m a bit pissed about is women never call me or hoook up with me after the first night, so I feel like i have to hook up with them the first night. That’s what I’d want, but it kind of bites that that’s the ONLY method of hooking up with them it seems.

I mean i’ve got the David Bach financial stuff aligned and KNOW how to handle finances for future Security Basket and plan to get the 6 -12 months of secuirty money tuckd away and have all that. And everything insanely, neatly organized in my-mind- it rocks!! And then I read EW right before going asleep which put me in that cool dream mode. fun stuff!

Saturday, February 16, 2008

SB Clubhouse 6am to 315pm sleep

DreamDream Wow, REALLY Different and COOL and comprehensive dream. It involved Taea, hawaiians, brad pitt, and surfing! I dreamt I walked around hawaii for awhile with 2-3 women. Then we ended up waiting in this restaurant where brad pitt ended up eating a doggy carton of chinese food. He had a huge throng of people constantly around him. In the dream he and I knew each other, like old CCDS friends. I waited for awhile and went up to say somethign to him, I think about surf. He just kind of smiled and was like “cool, awesome man” and was enthusiastic but curt and definitely had that “response that didn’t meet my expectations” but it was cool to see him. Then it flashed to a beach with long picninc tables and eating lunch. The storm surf was really churning up and this was all in hawaii. I realized I loved surfing. Surfing was more important than movies. I evne picture movie stars like brad pitt out on the water on the waves as that being an even more fulfilling profession for me and them. Taea was definitely there, then some HEAVY surf came in that started out far but churned up the seabottom like beachbreak.

Thursday, February 21, 2008

DreamDream Hella Weird dreamm!!! Dreamt that I had visited old latin. it was like a “becket rooms” play tal madanes was there in a raincoat sitting outside in the rain, but I had to rush by him because I had to get somewhere fast. so I couldn’t find out why he was outide (I later learned he had this fireman-like raincoat that I complimented him on, even though it lookd pretty ridic. but it was better than his old coat and efffectively waterproof. I think dani steele or someone else was doing something “weird” that made little sense at the time but I had to rush past it). Then I flashed to my parents 428 home. Dad was just laying around on the beds, and I only saw his feet! Finally, I applied to a job and got out of the house.Then I ended up i na gondola in Alaska, going REALLY high up. it was like a flying boat gondola. There was a mangy, fun-loving long-eared brown dog next to me and in the other end of the gondola-boat was someone like SSK and costin/stimpert or someone. They ketp commenting on how much better the dog was doing now on drugs. I gave the dog a hug and showed it some love so then I didn’t misinterpret that the were tlking about the dog, not me. I though I would have been treated less human having been on drugs. WOAH!! Signficance! Maybe all those people “back” at latin WERE doped up on drugs or their passsion killed by society!!! YEah, because it was dark and bleak there. then it was breck/stimpert/ssk who almost did that to me, but I excaped and can still be animal-like if I want, but live as a human. sweet!

Saturday, February 23, 2008

DreamDream

Weirdest pattern of multiple dreams.

Dreamt there was some dude who had viagra-like supplements and pills and enhanceers but they were in the form of green slimy slugs and weird sandy-balled-up spiders in a murky sand water jar. Apparently you ate them when they were “ready” for sexual enhancement and other supplements.

2. dreamt some kind of selection chain business thing I was doing, not sure.

Tuesday, March 4, 2008

DreamDReam

WIerid dream. Dreamt I revisited Cityda. I was right outside the library (with all those red handles and white doors) with some paper work or something. Then I flashed to some empty room that was like a “place to stay” during a hiking trip. I remember trying to lay out beds on teh floor with elaborate arm-pillows without trying to bump legs with other people (I think seth s. was there and other peple). The hiking ‘rations” were like skittles and “bulk” supplies.

Wednesday, March 5, 2008

DreamDream

Robin williams on ball. lonely, then had class sat next to lyndsay caine, tabbi gillan, and someone else with a mni expresso, SOOOOoo much happier. So happier around women.

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

DreamDream

was at beahs. I “opened” at a dinner gaterhing then went to the other room with beah, and some oher people. Beah was talking about everythign she ate like “we’re gonna spread this buter on her, then we’re going to bite. then we’re going to start up digestive system and chew chew chew some more” a happy fun dream.

Then dreamt I was just active as heck with all these people. REALLY fun dream and energizing. I Dreamt I was like back in the highschool mode with cool fun times at latin. My PEAK! With soccer, swims, ease of friends, hillary and babes , FUN truly fun times! And good shirts and clothes. Fun stuff!

Friday, March 14, 2008

DreamDream. I dreamt that I shook hands iwth Jim Carrey and met jim carrey in teh flesh! I was so charged and he said I lookeed VERY serious about my interest in comedy because I was so excited to meet him. I expressed massive enthusiasm for his work and everything and then I someone was like “what else do you say”? I didn’t know. I felt like I should get advice on “how did he first start”, but I knew he’d just say open mic. It was weird because I didn’t know what I wanted. I was just so psyched to have met him, maybe I just wanted him to a be friend instead of give all this advice I already knew the answers to

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

DreamDream

Wild weird dream VERY long, complex and convolueted with different angels. One part was me biking to some downtown place. And there were 2 newspapers, one 1 quarter, the other 2 quarters. The .25 one had more comics and jumbles but was less informative, the other had great articles. I got the .25 this day, but the .50 one the time before.

Also earlier on in the dream something weird was going on with like compartment rooms in some house. wild. cool.

Sunday, April 27, 2008

DreamDream wierd dream.

Kool Cigarette Dream. Dreamt I got asked to do an ad for Kool cigarrettes. Some guy was like “you like Kool cigarettes, right?” I didn’t even really ahve time to respond. NExt thing I know because I wanted to or becaue they gave me some cigarettes I’m stnading their smoking a Kooz cigarettes and 3 celebrities wearing grey and black, mostly gray, like sweaters and stuff and jeans maybe or nice pants (brad pitt was one of them) shoot up and they all lock shoulders with arms around each other’s shoulders and then before I can realize who they are and that they are in the commercial with me they all like “vaporize” like vanish in the the air!

This was interesting dream because I couldn’t help but feel used to promote a product (tobacco)tha killed! That made me feel seriously discouraged, but it was awesome to be in a commercial filming with pitt and other big names, but the intention of that didn’t sit with me. Oly want to promote good productts but best of all QUALITY entertainment andbelief!! (comedy and drama)!!!

By the way, I feel GREAT that I stopped smoking after getting so violently ill. Seeing the ash, molten, dark, dusty, sooty, vile ash produced by the cigs, I am disgusted I inhaled that into my gentle, awesome lungs. I feel gross about doing that. Maybe one cig per week, but I really don’t want to smoke anymore. I did it out of nervous panic of not knowing what to wear, where to go, etc. it never helped. I thought I needed to do that to think of good things. NOT TRUE. By not smoking I can keep massively aligned with Consistently doing great thigns, instead of random one-teim good ideas, I would have thought calling chip if I hadn’t smoked a lot sooner probably! haha!!

Awesome that Ive gotten a few celebrity dreams. the jim carrey oen was MOST cool, though!

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

DreamDream

Exercise, breakfast, class, by something tasty and fun routine

I dreamt I had this routine. the dream was fairly bright and colorful so it was NOT a bleak routine, fairly stabilizing I guess. Anyways, dreamt I’d wake up every MORNING (not midday-evening) do a run (likely a run, some kind of workout), have the same breakfast (just a really healthy breakfast, likely not too intense, but definitely healthy and consistent, like eggs or something), then I’d go to class (like BC2 morning!?!!) then afterwards and This was the main part of hte dream (that you remember the most) after class I’d go into likely teh same grocery stoer (kind of felt like a Whole foods or possibly a trader joes) and then I’d by a fun snack (like muesli or cinnnamon rolls or chocolate bar or Toaster’s Struedle) for that night for dinner and I always got a red bull, too. Then I planned to do another workout (for some reason I envisioned the hot springs trails or the track in SB, but realized that workout could be surfing or anything or eliptical training or anyting) and then have dinner iwth that fun snack! That could really keep me going! The last time I cycled thorugh this dream (cylced through it probably 3-4 times atleast) the grocery people asked me if I was going to order chinese that night. mmmm!!

This dream setup an aligning structure with a wake-up morning workout day-starter exercise routine, then class, then a SNACK the snack is essential because it’s a reward after the FUN afternoon post class workout.

So the routine went Exercise-Eat-Class-Buy-Exercise-Eat (EECBEE)

wake-up

exercise

consistent, healthy nutritius breakfast

class of some sort (like BC2 morning)

buy unique, tasty snack (okay to be sugary or slightly unhealthy –it’s a treat) and red bull

drink redbull

2nd type of workout ONLY FUN!! (sex, surfing, hikes, sprints, elipticals, swims, gym class like spin or yoga probably not though, another lifting session, tennis, basketball, soccer, another run, suntan by pool)

Have snack with fun dinner!

Meaning: this dream was providing me with GREAT, helpful didactic USEFUL structure!! During LPHS my “eating treats” was SOOO out of whack! I ate a cinnamon bun every morning, that unhealthy treat should be rare and at te end of teh day as a rwarrd not the beginning. During LPHS my day routine had NO, ZERO, logic to it. I’d eat a cinnamon bun, not tal most of hte day, go home, eat a packet of cookies because I’d be starving, then come track time, I had MASSIVE diarrhea from teh worst eating habits!!

Than god for SPTC and mexico, which TRULY flushed out my digestive system and reacquainted me with my soul. Then Acting corps (and consistent workouts and lifting during that) DEFINITELY reacquainted me with my healthy, now muscular!, body. Sweet!!

Man If I could do that!!! If I could do that??!!!! My day would be SOO jam-packed and full with meaning and progress and motivation if I could do that. But it woudl be time-consuming. I couldn’t do “denny-like” excursions or else it might cut into 2nd workout. I guess I could do the fun rand om 2nd workout after a dinner if I dine with friends, but wht would that routine do for me. It would give me the same awesome strength and endurance I have now (with the morning workout), consistency emotionally, physically, digestively, and intellectually to my day, a fun treat to look for ward to. 2x workouts which means definitely new muscle growth!! Keeping myself happy. I might feel doglike with tetreats but that won’t happen, plus I feel wandering and desperate if I keep “yearing for people’ dude could you imagine if I did that routine 5 days/week untill BC2 startign this sunday?!! Sunday to thursday?? That would be INSANELY awesome.

WHY Do it?

I’d have so much GRACE Structure and ease to my life.

My 2nd workout could be another run then chill by the pool.

Best of all, Iwouldn’t do bars AT ALL,

I wouldn’t expect to meet babes and put a ton of weight onto that

and would have tons of things to look forward to, personlally challenges, achievemetns, milestones, and accomplishments that ensure health, progress and stabilizing great fun momentum for ME with or without people so I wouldn’t be relying on anything unreliable!

I’d create reliability guarantees with myself being able to stick to such a fulfilling routie. I’d soak up the summer, be out and about, truly get to know my calabasas home area, enjoy the pool, get a tan.

It would be HEAVEN! I should do that EECBEE routine!

It’s also physiologically PERFECTLY balaned becaue each exercise immediately precedes a eating nourishment which is best for motivation and for replenishing bodily needs. Sweet!

How to do it

Wow, I should put this in the calendar PLANNED out to try to do it. Instead of a 3 hour bc2 I’ll scedule 3 hours of productive “personal writing, math, focus, work productivity time” awesome!!

One day at a time.

REALLY think about the NEXT day ONLY the day before, the night before, thin about what I’ll need one pair of exercise clothes and one pair of day clothes MINIMUM (possibly 2 exercise clothes sets).

Remember how valuable, how aligning, this would make my day.

With this routine I would have ZERO problem throwing in an audition or 2 during the day because I would be already sOO aligned and in tune!!

7:42 PM

May 4, 2008

DreamDream SWEET!! Awesome dream. Dreamt at one point I was myself, but that person was Heath Ledger and that I was dating making out with, my girlfriend,who was Scarlett Johannssen. holy wow. what an awesome career, gf, fantasy dream! Could be one of the coolest dreams I’ve ever had. My dreams rarely entail and behold such awesome, successful, attractive peole. Sweet! Okay startsrs. This was as LONG ream

water canal

The first part of the dream was like a seperate dream. I dreamt I was in this dark, mildewy wattery labyrinth canal. Cleo and I were trying to sneak off to do something. We were looking around with people but i had to dive in this labyrth canal stretches, segments at some time to avoid being seen. We were trying to get out somewhere or somethig. I think there were some mootor boat or jetski things, like last cruisade indiana jones, I think there was some kind of shark, too.

talways grinding motion look

whenever I looked at scarlett’s character she was playful like Jacqui gaines, and always gave me this “half playful half dead serious” grinding motion look (that she wanted to have sex

tent beach — wjierd indiana jones tent

next we’re on this beach. somewhat private. We had one of thoe huge tents, wind flapping the curtain-doorway, like a “royal tent from ancient china” but all White. Finally we kissed or switched into passionate mode and she was in doggystyle position and I was in top of her, we were fully clothed and not “having sex”, but making out and she had the sexiest, most aggressive look on her face, and pulled me in with her arm (this dream was AWESOME!!) dry sex on beach with scarlett! yeow! sweet! She REALLy wanted me, really wanted to go doggystyle (reminiscient of jacqui sex?) then I interrupted it and said something about getting the kid (our daughter) to practice (hey that’s like heath) or taking care of her.

spiral swing kick to golf cart glass

It was here that I kind of realized that I WAS heath. The POV switched to first person when before it had been heath and scarlett on the beach in the tent. When she left to what I though was take this kid (our kid?) somewhere, she really hopped on a golf cart for a tennis lesson. I caught up wtih her and did this angry (sexual aggression?) jump kick to the golf cart glass, but it was unbreakable. It turned out to be just joking. She laughed, but she had morphed into kate shostack from latin with Amanda Harlib’s voice. She took one sweatershirt off and had cleavage going in the golf cart. I think I hopped in the golf cart, tehn I woke up.

Themes keys

Indiana Joens, Scarlett Johanssen, One Woman (scarlett morphing to kate, amanda’s voice, previously “cleo”?, resembling jacqui’s playful mannerisms), connection to heath. awesome cool people.

Again, reoccurring theme of Beach, sharks!!

Also I looked at some pictures of scarlett and she like IS every woman. pamela, playful, fun jacqui-like (posibly, obviously, have no idea), graceful, sexy briana, maggie, i dont’ know like everyone woman.

one and the same!

Michael Caine as alfred is PERFECT butler. Also heath REALLY looked like heath put (and he did — he locked himself up in a london apartment working on joker voices) MASSIVE MASSIVE practice and technique into joker. he had so many sinister-insane looks, like at the table, teh mannerism’s look highly deranged, diferent person, GREAT technique and job!! wow. impressive. so glad they ditched katie home.s what is cruise doing with her? She’s so lame, poor actress, nobody, snobby. I’m so glad maggie gyllenhaal is filling in as rachel dawes. She’s much more attractive, graceful, and a great actress. I loved her (with her bro) in Donnie darko.

Scarlett. Yeow. SHE is hot. She’s my age. She’ll probabl be married in a year or two. sad. she’s a GREAT actress, too!

1:53 AM

May 7, 2008

Sleep — Dreamream WEIRD dream!! Dreamt I was in the chicago basement. I did something that impressed TMK. He was riding around his bike in the basement and half-jokingly, half-serious kept saying to mom. I really like him. I like him. I really really like him. He is our Salllllvaaaaation!” Kind of joking, kind of serious. I had just seen Man without a Face. A GREAT mentor-protege movie, so that could have impacted it. Thomas could have been like that Norstad sort of. Brought in ties of mom liking me now, somethign that feels rewarding and great!! Maybe I shoould go visit them??!

11:53 PM

May 9, 2008

Dreamt was at Cityday. Was carrying those odd red lunch trays that were characteristic at latin but these were brigher. At the end of hte dream Zach Fellars tried to ridicule and embarass me (it didn’t work) by saying that “we don’t want to talk to you, john called all of our phones multiple times but we don’t wat to talk to you.”) it was a lie because I hadn’t called certain people in years. There was something about all of us 1998 group being so old their around the young kids.

Issues: fear of rejection; Jame K telling me trying to, falsely and invalidly of unpopularity.

We were just carrying lunch trayson the railing.

10:25 PM

May 10, 2008

DreamDream Dreamt I had this race in michigan with Dad, Thoams, and I. Dad wore his khaki shorts, but did well. We thought thomas didn’t do well but he got “17:70” which makes no sense, but that was fast apparently. It was all around the michigan property.

Then in chicago. I was on mom and dad’s bed watching TV and munchign on this salmon-shripm-stirfry I worked so hard to cook. Aron, shreve, jack came up and talke to me about thomas’s prom date and girls and they asked me what Id’d do to woo cleo and I said always talk and communicate, she whips people as a dominatorix so Iwouldn’t try to be seductive or anythign, that’s what she does most of the time. So I’d just be funny and talk to her abou wanting to try or experiment with different things.

Then shreve started eating all my shrimp and I got pissed.

1:07 PM

May 16, 2008

DreamDReam

Amandao kept fondling her legs as she fell onto me. Was in some crash bandicoot-like game

9:52 AM

May 20, 2008

DreamDream Dreamt I was in the car and drove to a place like Nicky Smiths. Beah was there. Something about a motorcycle. The last I remember was a Windshield deluxe cover with zipper peepholes.

Themes, SMiths (angela — leah). Living out of car? Transportation.

I woke up and IMMEDIATELY did pushups — FELT GREAT!! Then felt groggy, ahd 4 hours os leep, but took a COLD shower. Drank a ton of water, brushed teeth. I actually did a wake-up routine in the morning. It felt awesome! It felt so alive and centered!!! Wow! Sweet!

9:27 AM

May 21, 2008

DreamDream

Dreamt Justin and Bret were driving I was in backseat but it was like I was watching a movie of tehm and not really there. They went to this old random town, played hookey from school, and it was some amusement park carnival with like this crazy ride. Jeff zheng was therer I think. I think justin and bret got on a little floating log boat, and then jeff and I were giong to go on one. But I wanted to go in the 1st boat for hte loag ride then a 2nd boat for another ride. At the end of this ride you had to go through this odd obstacle course of like strings and bars and junk.  It was timed and only one person went through it. I was reluctant to get on the log ride water part. Then we passed a (back in t car) red circular hospital tnat bret and justin both cursed because apparently they like abducted justin psychiatrically and did bad things to him. Not sure of the people, but that stuff was in teh dream.

3:10 PM

May 24, 2008

3:10 PM

May 24, 2008

Sleep –DreamDream VERY specific cool COOL dream!! I dreamt I met harrison ford. I was in a place that felt like a huge airport. he was there signing autographs but only a few people at a time like 2 sets. I had tons of odd pamphlets and slips of paper and couldn’t decide what for him to sign. I got close and he grabbed the odd purple cltoh/handkerchief thing that I had in my ear-plugs case and he signed that long, something like auditions or something. I don’t think there was talking.

INSIGHTS second celebrity role-model dream!! 1st it was jim carrey and we shook hands like friends .. then harrison and the dream I think wanted to be like friends, but he was celeb and I was fan.

7:04 PM

May 29, 2008

REALLY Cool DREAM!! Dreamt Just in Timberlake gave me advice. he said if you have support from kids and fans taht are kids, you can’t not be successful, basically. GREAT wisdom. The dream was like 3rd person POVwatching timberlake but close. Cameron diaz ran up to him and jumped on him while he was on his bike and he showed me his calednar. THAT is what I need. He just had the month laid out and like one big thing per day. like recording xyz studios mon tue wed. then some show thurs. then one other thing the next day. that’s SOOO awesome becaus ehe knows what to focus on. One huge thing I loved abou the cruises was the schedule was all planned out and you could not go or go to everything and no one would get mad at you!! THAT WAS GREAT. that freedom and you could just scan the schedule and if you wanted to do bingo or whatever,you coudl go. that was great. I MUST focus on calendar.

10:53 PM

May 30, 2008

Dreamdream — Dreamt I was kissing maya (or some phillipino woman) and we both kept talking about how good it felt kissing each other. VERY warm, fun, cuddly alive, intimate. Flash to 428. James K says somethign going down the 3rd floor stairs, I throw a blue lunchbox at him and he falls down the stairs. He looked paralyzed at the base of the staircase. I got scared his neck was broken. Then flahs to a big 2-3 story house on some propoerty. It was like my house but it felt lke there was some reality show hosted there, but people were doing calisthetics and walking around their to make me feel like it was my home. ONe woman kept takign about sex in different placs. Odd themese,s intimacy, owning hosue, difficltli wht bro.

12:28 AM

June 9, 2008

DreamDream

Dreamt something about maren havin a home.. she had the apartment with the view of california long horizno and seascape/ sunset view (beauitful). she invited me and bio fam over for dinner adn we cooked. earlier we wento some other dinner party thing at my place which was n’t as fun, during that she had a BF and kept mentioning that I was in chi during acting class and had stayed at that otehr apartment , but I was in CA. Earlier we were at this place (CA>?) and had another dinner paarty. Big emphasiss on plates. I stayed in maren’s loft during some kind of summer half-block. It was a pointed ceiling loft, most epic was the view, it looked like sunsets onothr planet, kind of dreary/weird though, like you WER on the moon with city clutter or something. The feeling here was BARREN and SMOGGY, with a scenic view. for some reason it felt like people had this kind of arranged marriage thing and I wassupposed to get htiched with maren? VERY weird it was like a dinner after a funeral or something almost.

Earlier in dream was CRAZY. Something about flashing back in time and then time freezing going up a stair case i think beth was there, but tim would freeze and you’d have to catch up to it r people would it was a scary dream, VERY scary, like sets of three people would appear and reappear and you’d go up the same stairs but you wre different and they were differet each time, then something about mashing, gnashing teeth popped in my mind recalling it. Weird dream! The feeling here was monotonous but scary and eeeire. SCARY.

Then afterwards I got scard. I actually felt scared at night. I had never felt that in a LONG time.

Then i started to realize that all the 24 or so years of identity in chicago was “being erased”, well all the unimportant non-identity stuff was, wit that account, and I TRULY felt california. This was an amazing feeling. A very “californian feeling”. Wow. to what Do i attribute this?

Learning about credit (a BIG life solidification thing) getting anwers to TONs of bank questions I’ve had

Doing math . Organization my mind (too much reading is just taking a dump o nyour mind) Math is cleansing, purifing, and giving yourmind a healhty workout.

Connections happening with seeing the ca outside, all of that awesomeness.

I feel incredibly grateful. I’ve NEVER felt this befor, like beign at every place and the only thing exists is time. It’s an amazingly expansive and liberating feeling. I feel like all the places I’ve liked or parts of them are present here, shuffling through my experience here like a deck of cards. It’s magical. It’s the way life is supposed to be live, color, magic, aliveness!! Wow this rocks.

Additionally sayig no and not interacting with bio fam opened all these doors because I could focus on cool stuff I love.

Now I’m learning and writing applescript!! God, that’s stuff I’ve put on hold since I was 12. I’ve wanted to do applescript for 12 years!! I feel OVERJOYED focusing on math, applescript, and credit score. YES credit score!!! That’s reducign worry so my brain thinks of other fun things other tha money b/c I have confidence I’ll make money!!!

JEEZ!!

I just feel

I woke up when I started do a calculation for the amount you get in a lottery pay-off based on salary, per month.

I attribute this wild dreamscape to looking at old photos ,but again the organization of math.

I was up for 22 hours!!

1:29 PM

June 20, 2008

Dreamt was at beah’s house. accidentally sat in he chair in the corner I could see everything from the angle. I asked wait who’s chair is this and learned it was beah’s so Iagave it back to her and fixed the metal magnet thing on the back. Then wandered into the kitchen and saw cups of reese’s peanut butter cups. I leanred mark whalbrg was born in 1982, so I told jame we had to get on theacting thing, if we had his succcess 2 years from now, that would be hug. Then flahsed to swingset in OR. I was skinny and dad was slow b/c of weight but felt okay. flash to city. miguel was antagonist chasing after this one girl. He got on one bus, I got on another and she got on my bus and she kissed me , i acted al goofy and knee buckled jokingly to flirt bt she knew that and fun.

3:52 PM

June 21, 2008

DreamDream. Dreamt alexa was in the dream she helped me with something like set a good habit.

1:46 PM

June 23, 2008

Sleep DreamDream Dreamt I invited 2 girls up to michigian and just in was there. We went to hte field to camp and set up tents out but there was garden vegetable bplants wiht massive like 3 inch by 2-3 ft caterpillars living in the plants, I cut a branch and the caterpillar crawled out. Next we might till be in micghigan bu oon a deck that could be a boat at sea. with a round conversation of people, robin dunn and ari are there. They pass around a join wtht ht10-15 people I take a light hit hoping it will help me with my comedy and then get back to computer wr.. Then the same pow-wow circle was in the loft or some inside area.

July 8, 2008

7:36 AM

DreamDream Dreamt kira, tom fort, jimmy, and I got let off from a car on some jungle trail hiking to go surfing. Tom noticed my necklace had a dangerous hook in it s oI carefully removed that and then there was some food (like burger or sausage) attached on the end of it that was disgusting but jimmy ate it. We trampled through the jungle forest stepping on the remains of large shar or tuna that poachers had left. Kira said shw as going to practice first before meeting up with us. We would all practice alone and surf together.

July 24, 2008

12:44 PM

Wow! FUN dream. All fun stuff!! Big milk theme (no doubtedly from WoW’s cold glass of milk restoring mana). I was in a comedy club and was a bout to perfomr or just had performed. I was really lit up, on fire like I was as sophmore at latin wearinga collared shirt. Best of all there was this 40 year-oldish woman with huge boobs wearing a greyish shirt, brunette, who looked like a 40 year-old alexa who kept putting her arm around me and fiddling with my necklace and joking. But I think we new each other from some other event like someone’s wedding? no some fancy party. Then she said something about playing along, no, something about how putting her arm around me leads to something (sex, implid). Tehre was also some white hen pantry stop with some people. But the comedy store cuddlign with the huge boobed woman who kept hitting on me, just rocked. Crazy, play with youth, pony up with older women. The woman was definitely hotter than kira-alexa combined.

July 26, 2008

3:03 PM

DreamDream

Dreamt I ran into the Beatles. All 4 of them, just hanging out somewhere. Had dinner with htem I think. Then few people like parents beleived I had met them. one of them looked ausraian. then I saw billy Davis (jimmy’s bro) give a chess lesson and then played a guy and won. He said he was about 3400 and hte dude was 3300 (impossible b/c of s max 2800 raiting). he taunted me saying he could beat me, my friends and my family. So I played him in chesss. I was black. the game was as immersive as a wow he attacked and I defended then he attacked on the othe side of the board and looked like a tauren. Then jimmy davis and peter saw I could win and started to distract me (I think) jimmy said things like “That was a great independent study of Vegetarianism” for my days off which weren’t Ises.

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July 29, 2008

7:09 PM

Shark or alligator on a wave and whenever it went I surfed after it. Then Ms. Doer-fitzpatrick got sick from eating herbs but then read a book on how to find the right ones and had like blueberry juice and other herb food from the wilderness. WEIRD!

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August 3, 2008

8:58 PM

dreamdream dreamt something about saying goodbye to people. back in chicago visited some old restaurant place with beth and susan and soemthign about the door way a shelf on it of stuff.

dd

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August 5, 2008

1:44 AM

Dreamt I did laps around the house in michigan. Huge emphasis on the planted tree at the end of the path, like it was a heath ledger memorial. I had a fat butt and emphasis on that. Then there was something with beah’s house

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August 5, 2008

7:58 PM

Really long cnvoluted dream. I was in chicago with a baby kitten, philleas. Darcy bonner and I hung out and did something (basketball?). The kitten had like alien teeth but always followed me when I called it (like a dog). There was also something big with math, too. Some kind of ccds reunion thing.

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August 8, 2008

6:01 PM

dreamdream

drove or someoen dropped me off at Gloria martinez’s house, but it was on the beach (prob. in californa) I went for a run through a parking lot there. and then gloria went looking for me. and drove me back home to some city area (la/chi/ who knows ,probl la!) then went on a date with i think molly from old next door (I think thomas tagged along) felt really refreshed after the run. I think we go icecreaem

Asked mom what happed on someone’s birth like my and my bro’s or something for autobiography researc hand she got cold adn icyand started talking about he birth of jesus christ.

Was in home depot with biol fam. everyone bought somehing except me. I decided to throw in a stpladder in the last minute (forreaching stuff above fridgE) and got in the checkout line and ran into EVa sonsnowska and Venetta. They were playing characters Argus and Lingus for a play and were buying a “prop” tha was female mouth (for blowjob masturbation). Then in the next line I ran into Ms. Hardegan . she couldn’t figure out what cashback meant so I told her it just meant “do you want a 20” I told I ran into argus and lingus and she said “that’s rigth” and then said “do you want me to be gentle with your stars,john?” I didn’t know how to respond, and wanted to say something like “gentle is good, but challenge is okay” but had no idea why she asked me that.

odd themes: drama and sex; gloria and CA, mom, icy, overly catholic, running refreshed.

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August 8, 2008

11:15 PM

DreamDream dreamt went shopping for a dog with bio fam. reall colorful place. found three lassie-terrier’s each for $300. d din’t buy but looked good. (nota running, active dog)

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August 11, 2008

3:44 AM

Disturbing dream Dreamt I kept vomiting in a toilet that was overflowing with stale crunchy angel hair pasta. my mother susa was making me vomit. there was emphasis on the puke. Gloria popped up, kind of convinced me my parents were bad influence.

I remember glorai (in real life) saying jonny”s an actor!

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August 12, 2008

11:34 AM

One of the most lengthy crazy dreams I’ve ever had.

My dad and I were driving to some place (like a concert?). It was a flash flood, we cut through a grass field. I think a cop starting chasing after us. then we flipped over or something. Just remember tons of water and driving on grass.

I had gone back to CC to look for housing to relive some college life or something (but I relized CC was a more work, less party school).

Then it flahed to CC’s soccer field. there was some girl realy drunk on the sidelines. she fell off a stool and hurt her knee and then said for me to “kiss it” (her knee) but she flsashed her vagina at me at teh same time. so we went behin the stadium risers and had wild sex (a ot of vagina emphasis). Bizarre how much emphasis was on the women being like meat or fish, with the vagina, like it was just pure flesh and not a person, like having sex with meat with an orifice. really weird, but hot.

Thenthere was some scene with Justin’s friends talking about their favoriate music album. I said paul’s botique (and they agreed it was th e best sellingalbum ever) we were atonished at how many good songs were on teh same album. One dude said “soundgarden does BNL” which was weird. Then someone had to go and I wrote on a dart board with a dart that I would see them later? woah

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August 19, 2008

6:54 PM

Dreamt I had sex with jen lester from acting corps. so weird. Went to this basement with a group and itwas like an instance raid and jen was doing paperwork in the corner and stayed quiet for fear of us noticing her. then I end up hooking up iwith her doing intense spanking stuff. I was grinind the bed too I realized. weird. (like first wet dream thing). tehn other stuff happened like emily hannon, but it was like wow raid before. hah

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August 23, 2008

3:01 PM

DreamDream Dreamt matt colman woke up in some bed and did like a scene from oedipus where he gouged his eyes out (what the hell?!!!) and some other weird stuff happened to. Like fishy hugs with anna morro.

ddt

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6:31 PM

WEIRD dream. Dreamt I was in someflorida hotel place looking for something in a room with cityday people. Ellen campbell or someone like that was there. I was trying to get my swim suit on behind this coutner then I left and the chick said she liked my teeth and smiled and I realized she had on a retainer thing too. Then james and I were fighting over this bottle that I took and was playing wit. We tried to order chinese and suchi and couldnt’ decide and ordered Jia’s. Then we saw something about these dudes killing peole and some weierd cult thing and this re-enactmectment exhibit wieht 3 people who were mannikins but their eyes looked like diamonds. eweird.

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August 26, 2008

8:10 PM

Dreamt I was at latin but playing defense in an outdoor water polo practice. The goalie (one of the latin seniors, like pat or someone) gave me tips on recieving passes and such.

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September 5, 2008

10:23 AM

Dreamdream Jordan dubow, wrote him a letter conveying how much I respected him. went spelunking in some cave with a water entrance like BFD, went for run with james and thomas saw Dubow on a bike and he commented on that I “really ” rspected him.

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September 7, 2008

7:21 AM

dreamt something about matt colman having a wedding and I having a michigan reunion party o nth same weekend. kira said she thougt I’d go to MI a few days early, friday, sat, or sun, and write.

9/25/2008

dreamt I took a train from beah’s house after mom made a photo album with all these weird pictures of me. then got off train in LA and there were all these bums. and then I was like woah! never been here at this time of night kind of nice! and one bum was like “hey it’s bob dylan” to me. and I said “me” ? and he said yeah it’s bob dylan. that was kind of strange. then I ran into some lower classmen like alice mathias and gave her a hug and became overly conscious because their were under classmen and I felt I had to show off, but realized it ws hightech or something.

dreamt again. dreamt I kept looking around for a present for mom. and flashed some poster that said “I see god” which was all this music stuff supposedly

dreamdream

dreamt I was in MI repairing for a party. Nick snick. REgenbergs. Some smiths. people with a bunch of cats. Whilte cats. tdk and I got into a fight. about him not giving me money. guests came. we calmed down.

before that a martial arts documentary I was trying to make a guy did a wall flip or something

9/29/2008

dreamdream

had sex with meg grunewald (doggy style. she was really hot). the was playing soccer in park in Chicago an had to play on side of field. and a lot of babes trying to get after me so that was fun. Maren and other gilrs were trying to woo me or something. I turned off their advances and went for older women.

thomas and I were kicking around soccer ball. saw tal madanes who went swimming and we were like we want to go swimming so we went. key notes was the water from people was gloing and really pretty colorful. seemed like when I was young and killed the pigion. colorful or something.

9/30/2008

DreamDream

dreamt about meg grunewald again. she was really hot. lost a lot of weight. we went on a date. she showed me a baby picture of her when she was 4’6 and she was a lot less or shoerter. We ate smoother (like silver chairs) . felt good. talked about good stuff. over cafeteria food or something.

(WEIRD! I just realized I could’ve “done” all that if I’d done a different path! couldn’ve done anything in dreams if done different path. I’m glad those dreams are dreams and that I didn’t have a “fix me help me with acting” bs date with meg! lol

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date uncertain

felt REALLy good after tons of pushups and then eating great salmon before bed.

Dreamdream REALLY wild

yyrgbygg

dreamt was thinking about charlie alva and went to raft at casino club and learned that he had died that morning while eating a achicken avacado sandwich in the raft;(. then I went to some dinner party of k&a people. We all had to sit on these really high tipsy chairs. IT was a sandwich restaurant, but really gourmet. I tried to get the waiter to explain the sandwiches but and order tuba but it didnt’ get a cross. they put like juice or somthign on the center of the sandwich and cooked it, but he didn’t mention that. Then while sitting on these high stools I was about to tip off so I had to frmly put my arm on this atttractive NICE-looing blonde (eeryoe was all dressed up in semi-fancy clothes too) she smiledat me and we flirted a bit . Then the restaurant switched to city day people and Bret diskin was there and ended up retelling some story where he reenacted getting up on a rickety ladder with smeoen holding the metal single piece ladder. he swayed back and forth and then the ladder’s bade flipped out and he just plummedtted down really hurt, when he tried to stand up he had pissed his pants and feinted back but Tom fort caught him. weird!!!

themes: swaying seats, swaying ladders, unstable obects basically, and fun times with as usual city day.

Things

sierra montains

yosemite

lll

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10/2/2008

DreamDream

dreamt was with james trying to get a bus back to latin or something. hilary august popped up and she kept kissing my cheek and it felt really really good. This guy kept spitting when he talked. she kissed me and it felt really good. she told me to tell him lightly that he was spitting to much. So I told him that actors spit and told him lightly. she gave me an awesome kiss and we made out. I remembered how much I missed her and how much I liked (like) her. whatever.

then really weird episode in 428 and moo had a larger blackspot and I saw a missing tail and on the other cat there was some other cat with a larger black spot. weird. freaky.

10/7/2008

dreamdream

dreamt I saw mickey fisher tell me something (not unlike anna child mentioned with cross country) along the lines of “you don’t really have to go in there ( to this store). I was in a store and lost my blue plaid shirt, my white shirt, and got my iphone and bag locked in a locker. so i talked to store manager and was really pissed. then the store locked up and I was chasing after the manager. something about brad pitt. the manager was talking on his phone to ben samuel’s. ben affirmed to him that all the women would be after the manager at this oparty. it got late and the manager left me and cut off in a cab.

Significance. This dream resembled going back to chicago in nov 2006. Chicago was the “store” that scattered and lost a lot of my belonggings and really pissed me off. No one paid a ttention to me and it was painful and aggravating. Cool realizations!

10/13/2008

dreamdream

dreamt something about ms. campbell. dreamt I had a huge purple dufffel bag of my stuff on a bus (some kind of cccds field trip)? I thought the bus would explode and was worried but it ddidn’t then flash to 428 where mom made a necklace out of beads for ellie smith. weird!

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October 19, 2008

ms hardetgan was doing blocking forscript. ccds people were there like drew faseas or something. the nflashed to a cruise boat where they pulled body out of a beacon or canister thing and it ended up in the alligator area and I was down ther with kira or tina fey. Then they swam upriver, then I started to run away and I had sandals on, was like wait should have shoes on, but I wanted to go for ar run, then saw carlin thomas. and said something a bout snuffleupagus. she took me to bnl concert. like having fun around women, man. fun cool people. had been obsessed with disguating slimy idiot girl and not any more. Drew faseas was ther or something. crazy.

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October 17, 2008

1:17 AM

dreamdream dreamt I was with these three women/girls. we kept hopping around to shops or something like coffee shop and making out (all 4 of us) in really public places. GREAT dream! GREAT dream.

itnermittent racial etiquette, then chuck norris, then a trainer location, then a LFG, then homey, pal, buddy banter…ah brilliant sheer brilliant. lol. and guild add hehe

noob talk

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October 21, 2008

@ CCDS, minging with class above me. David Sigman, Max parsons, Drew faseas. Then saw the less advanced math group and it was like math from cc, james krueger and he had an earring on. I was talking with MAx berry about football (and was doing lifecoaching with him) and asked if he makes as many goals in soccer as football. insinuating that he was a more speed and agility guy and made better for soccer, while football was not his thing strength nad power. Basketball and soccer a lot more his game. it was in CCDS like upper class math or science room. weird. Ther was huge part of dream where Dr. shcultz made everyone pasta, and sigman was giving lecture-assignment on it. I ate all the string pasta, then he put another plate of tube pasta in front of us and no one ate it. The 2nd was like the “reward” was doing the test of eating the first place. really weird.

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11/12/08

Dreamt was in some wildernessish house. tdk had us all wave at the sky or do some weird chant crap. a thundercloud came then we all blacked out, next I know the stupid red volvo was gone and it came back with ssk or someone else driving it but it was changed, like bizarro. kept looking at people and seeing a devil demon, pointy-eared convulsing horror, animal scary morph thing.

damn I hate dreams that involve bio-fam losers. lol

no more of that. hehe.

then fantasized about having a different big-boobed woman in costa rica EVERY NIGHT.!!!!

teron

Cauldron of Major Shadow Protection ?

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November 1, 2008

dreamt papa’s car was being auctioned off and it kept going for a different price. REally weird!

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11/6

dreamt had pictures of alexa hs cleavage. james k and I were toned and weren’t for a run in oregon. then remembed alexa’s handjob to bob and how she lcawed at my pants.

11/7

dreamdream dreamt was in a big swimming pool like casino club some lane lines were very narrow and cramped. I went to the far right with no lane lines. meanwhile someone like cristophe lagrange or something needed money and kept betting and lost it in gambling. Justin L loaned him like 1000 something dollars. Then I burst into tears in 130 kitchen about not having money to dad and he just watched me snacking on things like watchin g a movie saying “really”

BL — money is a big thing in my life. swimming is big. tdk isn’t a help.

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Thursday, December 25, 2008

05 : 40

Long series of WEIRD dreams.

1. Dreamt Vaghn Lacallade and other moms played soccer, vaughn was like the head organizer captain person of this mom soccer league or something.

2. Dreamt I rollberbladed around the CCDS playground but it was black tarmack instead of grass in most parts. thomas mk and ryan specne were there and I did tons of cool spin moves. then I changed, but didn’t have a shirt, and carried this huge duffel bag upstairs of CCDS, saw jon levine and lame people and then went ot music class.]

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February 21, 2009

2:44 AM

elaborate dream was in Michigan playing in field or tree fort with someone like idk and andrew burke, the something hcanged and it was someone like darcy bonner and matt damon. The nflash to me running on beachside dune trail and find some kind of planet of the apes cave enclave and get some object (indiana jones like) and run out the dune trail then I’m transported to the totem pole run near lake shore drive. then prob flash back to ape thing?

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February 22, 2009

5:17 AM

wild set of dreams and thinking…first dreams dreamt was in OR papa was reallllyyyy young we had all just gotten back from working “in field or something” they all showered had cereal and looked cool. i was about to shower but someone whom I thought was cousin sara but later realized was just some chick was playing with me adn tickling me, i laughed like wild but then changed mood got fed up and tackled her in the yellow bathroom playfully noticeable featuers were she had a really fiery red (but attractive) COLORFUL face. (but caucasion).

next branched off into thinking. REALIZED maya tried to hypnotize me in lazy acres but it DIDN’T work, so that made me realize my mind has grown MUCH stronger. that’s what happened now since 2000, my MIND has grown magnificently more stronger with flinging myself into painful bad situatiosn and still getting out. My mind is stronger than most any person I know. I have a strong mind and am highly massively resilient (practically immune) to all hypnosis now COOL!!

also rememberd having fiery red eyes and glowing skin inthe surfboard shop after the energy aura class in wrigleyville (around time of going to dojo and stopping in The Alley store) and the yellow vibe of that place…hhmmmmmmmmm

I ALSO remember envisioning a dream life of giving seminars and then fucking many women etc etc blah and it being YELLOW too..

hhm yellow definitely a theme. of possibly an environment where I’m in my element. solar plexus area cooler!! or MAYBE that’s just going up chakras or something who knows but GREAT recollections I had suppressed that. GREAT to have all those memories because confusing and unpleasant at the time, all memories lead me to greater understnading of my strenghts and weaknesses and capacity..

using eye accessing cues is immensely helpful and rocking awesome!

February 3, 2009

11:05 PM

EmilyDaviuEatOut-FutureCar-Hawaii-NorthShore

Dreamt I surfed Northshore in Hawaii and waves were like 10 stories tall (taller prob) paddled out paddledinto one and then jumped off before riding it but I had the momentum of the wave, so I didnt’ die but could say I paddled out and and into a wave atleast and “surfed” northshore. I was in HAwaii and dazed and crossing the street/highway from the jungle after living there or after surfing maybe? And Emily Daviau in a red car almost hit me while crossign the road. She was teary eyed and all upset about something but relieved to see me. She gave me a lift and the car ride was WILD. it was some compact futuristic car where the top shot forward and she sat facing me with her legs around my head and I had to lean forward in the red car so naturally started eating her hout and making out like crazy. It was all tropical and north hawaii-oahu-like.

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March 2, 2009

3:19 PM

sleep ppaternes soo messed — didn’t want to wake up at 10 b/c dream felt soooo much more fun than RL. Was having really clear/vivid dream for some reason. Was in MI. Dr. Dale chiropractor showed up because I had back problems. I think it was like christmas or something. The wird thing was was that he kept waiting outside the house for like 15-30 hour long time politely waiting for someone to open the door. weird as!! Then he brought in a like flimsy foldout massage table to do the spine adjustment and said he remembered one time did it and all the vertebrae popped weird. THEN the best part of the dream was Uncle paul, lacy, ellie, aunt mary showed up and lacy or ellie was looking at somethin on 2nd floor MI house and I talked to them and then toucehd their hand we both started giggling hysterically hahah!! It was like the closest thing felt like had to a sister. Then uncle paul said they were going to the corner bakery for breakfast (that day or tomorrow or something) and I realized how awesome it is that they move around so frequently and eat out at places so frequently b/c then large places are your home and if you feel connected with like brand places (corner bakery, whatever) that are consistent ANYWHERE you can find comfortable cool “homey spot” anywhere. Anyways heralded uncle paul for that and realized he and uncle paul mary, lacy, jilli, ellie are awesome. plus swimming! lol

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April 9, 2009 — 10:20 AM

sleep dreamdream dreamt some girl who was friend I knew got dresed up in GREAT costume for some outdoor party. was sitting on bench and ha planted a eavesdropping chip in this bar owner so was listenign with a reciever something about some south american place.  Then  Igot in a batmobile liek car and drove around gotham into this haunted house liek area and saw the riddler crazy and we drove past and more weird thing s and got to the final rooom and it was full of gnomes eating cookies in piles of “sand” they wanted me to throw the cookie and the sand at them as they did that at each other (like threw it in each other’s face)! what the hell?!!  and then I discovered the sand had special microscopic “chitin” in it and I was supposed to take a scoopful of sand with me to complete the quest. WEIRD AS!!

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April 21, 2009 — 6:52 PM

sleep dreamdream Very vivid interesting peculiar dream.  dreamt was in michigan no visiting some place wiht people I didnt’ know, one guy kept looking out the window over the ocean (it was house on the beach) I like woke up and then we went to town I had a REALLY hightech camera as a present and this girl told me to unpack it from my backpack.  my mom had packed a weird disco light thing that didn’t go with the camera.  Then we went into town.  I didn’t know these people.  then somehow justin lacallaid who was exactly like or was tom cruise shows up and says hes’ wearing these orange sweatpants and sweatshirt into town so the tomcruise-justinl guy who reminded me of me too was all clear and energetic with slicked back spikey gelled hair and then we ended up in michigan after walking around town for abit and I was in the kitchen overlooking the deck and eating an orange with thomas mk and two packs of people started walking toward the basement dooor (on the deck that I could see from the kitchen ) some slovenly looking people and then the two math people form cc matt (fat asian) and joel ross but joel looked all cleared up like the dude on teh charing cross train and thoguht of darren brown.  COOL as!!!! 😀

Allusions: Math, tomcruise-justin L ; MICHIGAN, something with a camera,

Fall-Winter 2003-2004 Journal

08/31/03

My Dorm Room 430

Man, I still cannot believe how incredible spending time with Taylor was! I still cannot believe how raunchy we were, how unrestrained, how dream-like everything was, and how alive it felt! We had sex doggystyle! I cannot believe that, Amazing. Totally amazing out of some porno book. That made me start to think that life really CAN be whatever you want as an open book — it just forms to what you like/dislike. Well, I am so incredibly overwhelmed by how much cc offers, I am almost suffocated and suppressed by it! I am so happy about my box situation, too. Truly awesome. Well am going to call home, shower, computer, then food!! Totally starving!

09/01/03

Well first day of class sucked. I didn’t know if it was just class in general, or the anthrop topic that I disliked – 170 pages of reading1! That is totally not manageable! What the heck! Is he trying to trick us into not taking the class or something? Well, I have to get dinner it’s 10:00pm and then read more!! Anthrop. might be something cool that I like doing when traveling – seeing other cultures, but it just feels vague, obscure, and hazy compared to the concrete reasoning of science – pscyh and computers. I love computers!! Pych rocks, too! Brett said I should major in somthing I love, maybe that thing should be computers! Well must eat, then read!

09/03/03

Wow, I have so many things that I want to question and discuss related to sex, girls, food (eating), and life purpose/meaning/what is right, morally. Also I went for a killer hard run today!! So fast/ fun! I searched saw a marching football team, almost caught of with two other runners! Man it was incredible. Hey, I realize that if I learn kind of back when I type, I feel a lot more at ease mentally, and my posture is better, too! Okay sex – I want to have unrestrained animal-sex, not raping/violating the girl, but getting off – you know, but I, never by my most sacred creed would ever want to violate or make a girl feel uncomfortable or whatever, I would never want to step over her boundraries. However, I always feel like I should ask “Is this okay?” Is this okay I am touchign you here or I am going this fast,” or whatever because it is her body. I wouldn’t mind being hit on, it always seems like I have to push the next steps, this is fine, totally fun if I aware or what the specific boundaries were! How can I get better boundary awarness? The two girls I had sex with didn’t seem to care, they said “whatever” whatever I want, to sex! Whatever I want, jeez! That kind of stunned me when taylor had the same reaction. I’ll try talking to seth

Food, I eat really slowly around girls, because I want to make a good impression, also, I really like eating FAST! That’s how I enjoy food, wolfing it down, scarfing it, not pecking at it so I forget what I am eating! I like shoveling it in, but I feel bad/wierd/extremely uncomofortable doing this around other people in common cafeteria everyday (not just at fancy restaurants), because I feel like I need to be polite! How can over come this conflicto of needing to polite, eye contact and have manners when wanting to scarf food? Kind of related to girl thing!

Finally, Thomas asked me why I drove up to U of I, (Jim, Matt, and I went to see david Lu,) but that didn’t seem like a good enough reason. That (because CC kind of reminds of uof I in its ruralness) got me to think about why I came to CC when I LOVE, truly die for the sensation, act, passion, sport, leisure, fun activity of surfing. It is one of the few, maybe only sports where I feel I would paddle just as hard, the same way, stay out in the water the same amount of insane hours if a ton of people were watching/with me, or if I was solo. This certainly says something regarding my true inner passion for surfing and that it is not a superficial facade put on for people. Running on the other hand, I sometimes feel like I am acting (trying to be some runner I am not, or like Prefontaine, even when I right that name, it feels sacred, because I have tried to “not emulate his life”, but certainly try to look like some aspcets of ours were similar with our solo running and stuff). But aside of the fame, competition, front running, all that movie terminology, surfing was the true thing I fell in love with because of what it is — not because of some movie that I saw which inspired me. In other words, when I surf, I never feel like I am trying to be cool “like Kelly Slater” or something, I just surf because it is as fun as hell!

Finally, in terms of life meaning stuff, I sometimes look to people for recognition (a sign ) to see if I am morally/actually doing the right thing. This causes a lot of frustrations and aberrations and “random spontaneous” actions in my life. I really want to develop a personal, internal sense of morals so I, myself, can judge if I am doing something right, or spending my time well or something, so that I feel guilty less often and look to people for some kind of guidance to verify my actions morally!

09/06/03

Man, I have so many girls questions? Do they want to hook up at night? Why do I “play it” naive and stupid? I should really go for girls that I think are smart/funny/intelligent, I get so angry when stupid girls think they have a chance with me, I should just smile back at them, maybe because at a party situation I would maybe like them. Also, I think/worry so much about how dating a girl will affect my repuation, or what others will think. I realized this is kind of illogical, because reputations aren’t that immportant at cc, but I have always felt this, and whatnot. I played off the “noble” personality at parties,not trying to act dirty or something.

same day – 430 dorm 1:18 am; man what a great day! Took awesome vocab notes on the psych chapter, played chess with uk person, did all online jumble, email stuff, finished lab, read some christiany, talked with mikey, kira, fieger, online, hopefully I won’t be so tired tomorrow! God I really want a girlfreind – casey! I don’t want her to be manipuliativ, I want to have fun, have sex, be happy together, I want to be able to sack it up up go tell her I like her, or atleast kiis s her. I want to not take things for granted and make good ecisions! I most importantly want to feel comfortable around her and around her with other peopl! I don’t wnat to feel picekd at! must get sleep, writing sloppy!l ove,

John

09/10/03

Well, good day so far — busy as heck1! After class, which was insanley boring because I had already learned so much of the material from intro to psych, I went for the austinbluffs/union run, my knee gave out on the return about 800m before the grainery intersection. So I walked in pain, for a long long time! Then I biked back just in time to stretch, make some enuresis/urologist appointments, before I had to go downtown for this balancing lab. Then I biked a little, went to Rastall, talked with Tony about the marathon he one and my surfing Costa Rica incredible experience! I feel like I should ask people more questions, b/c for example when I was talking to tony, he said surfing sounded so technical – I, instead of asking him what he meant, said I thought it was just natural. I should have said the natural thing, and then said that I wanted to know what he meant by technical. I am off to martial arts now, after watching legends of the fall for awhile. I have so many books to read, and Mere Christianit is slow reading! But interesting. Steve Rugg talked to me for 40 minutes, and, even though today I realized he had some wise words, I felt SO frustrated talking to him because he came to my room. Also, this girl Allison (from the navs) keeps talking to me, coming up to my room, to go for a run. I saw her today, too! I talked to her for awhile while doing laundry, but I just kind of like her as a friend. She seems wicked smart — she’s taking chemistry — so she kind of has to be! But I am not that attracted to her. Ashley is really attractive, but she seems kind of dim-witted. I am still trying to find out if I am intelligent. I guess I am, I just fluctuate my intelligence with other people. I think my knew blew out because of lack of water, I’ll be sure to super-hydrate or bring a portable water supply next time – camel back or nalgene! Well, off to martial arts!

10:15 pm. Wow! Martial Arts was totally amazing. I feel totally back in line! It’s my bag baby! I feel strong, aligned, like I can run faster! I feel absolutely incredible! It’s a full moon tonight! I am totally aligned! Ernesto gave me some punches, stances, shikigeri or something to do in my room, 15 minutes or so. For practice. I loved the stances, the hip flexing, the leg strengthening and stretching! At the end of class we did these squats (which were like straddling a surfboard), and then wheelbarrow pushups, which were like popping up on a surfboard!! They were really hard, but felt amazing! Ernesto and Sara (two brown belts) were such good sensais/teachers. I felt so in control of my life, and I couldn’t believe how “bright” the studio was! Bright as in white, meaningful “true” light! I felt so great there! It was fantastic. Whoo-whoo!!! YEah, baby!!

09/11/03

Okay, just got back from the doctor’s office, which was hell!! I needed to be studying it took two hours to get a .2 sec. signature from the doctor (whom I saw for, literally, less, than one minute). I practiced translating what the teacher was saying in class into spanish (in my head) during class to help alleviate my boredeom, and it helped me absorb the information mroe easily, efficiently, and actively, and it kept me focused, awake, and listening! I’ll try to do that more often. It felt awesome getting my e-mail stuff and whatnot done in the early morning — I love getting up frickin’ early and seeing the world wake up! I felt so much more natural/comfortable in class. It didn’t, for awhile, feel like “class” just a room with chairs and people gathering with the same books to discuss the same topic! But the the teacher authority thing kicked in, or the lots of people=intimidation thing kicked in, bit of both, and I zoned out to just taking notes, bottling up things I wanted to say, that were really wise, intelligent, rational, and interesting comments and questions. I should have said them, but I didn’t want to cut off professor martin! I just want to bang erin, buttfuck her and then tittyfuck her and have her give me a big blowjob. Taht doesn’t really make sense, because she wouldn’t (most likely) wnat to do that. I have to study now!

9/12/03

Just came back from a triatholon meeting where I met Mr. Travers! Really cool guy, competed ON the national team, IN a world chapionship in denmark/niece! learned a ton of cool stuff about using fat/aerobic energy to keep going in races. The pyshc test went extremely well– I had a ton of coffee, quite a bit of studying, not to mention the overall repetitiveness of it. Also, I just came back from a 1000m swim (after eating a big lunch – two tacos, salad, and pb and j sandwich),did it slowly, but surely, I saw corrado and pat afterward (on my way to pick up a package. It felt like good things happen when I swim! I saw antonio, too, who told me to “keep going” when I mentioned my interests in psych, poli sci, and anthro! Life is great — alex, also seemed to look at, and respect me as I headed up the stairs. I want to continue practicing humility, and take interest in other people. The slow and long workouts and the need to be “okay” at all three sports are what, trevors said, makes a great triathlete! Can’t wait to continue taking it slow, easy, but doing amazing endurance and fun things! Off to bike! The need for slow, not harsh workouts, just really really long! Was really attractive, just being gentle on your body, but using it to its fullest potential whoo whoo, made me feel sophisticated about the sport – and conserving energy in the swim!

9/13/03

Well, had an amazing experience seeing a cross country race from a different perspective — seing how it “all works”; how coaches and people hosting the race saw “good job”/nice race as runners come into the shoot; there is a biker leading the race; how there is a group of runners in the front in a very tight pack; how there is food for volunteers and runners; how everyone has bibs/pins (it was like a 5k, now that I think about it!) All runners had bib, pull-off things. It felt much less than runnign with a school, but running individually. Running with CC runners (working together in apack would be awesome too). also carson talked about the energy line of the runner in front of you connecting you being extremely important (people who walk across the track/trail break this line and should be yellled at) it was intense and I had fun biking around seeing the different running packs, and a lot of runners said the 5 mile was “relaxed” and they said they were allone for awhile. It was great to see that I could tag behind pat, and just have fun.

7:08 pm

I was watching the matrix and made the connection of the career center, even though I loved the pay/it stuff, was kind of like the agents/neo’s job — while it stuff and definitely cross country (the harshness/rawness of it) reminded me of the “real world”. the ernesto sense reminded me of an amelie french guy combo and morpheus kinid of.

10:30 pm

It seems like there is a paradox with girls. I like girls who do bad things — wild sex, smoke, drink — but I feel with I should be with smarter more socially unrebellios girls for my personal growth and knowledge and for the looking of other people. I guess the latter would be a reason I should neglect. Also, I really want to try to think of my wing as Armstrong basement in terms of talking to listening, intellectual, smart, people around computers — A comfortable environment!

4:04 AM okay, never written this late before! Just cam back from party I left at three at. Feel like I “should”go t parties to balance out my severly, seriously, passionately focused drive in xc with swimming, biking, running solitude, but I don’t seem to mme tgirls sther. I s aw cat, julia, carla, nate, james from our wing. James is like a brother — love that guy. Cat is SOO hot, she is intelligent, smart, attractice — the kind of girl I would introduce topadrs, but taht gold card girl is SO hot, physicaly — really want to bone her. maybe will get her nam.ee I am at odds at getting girls for physical pleasure vs. lifelong compassion/love. Rationally, It seems like I should hook up with whoever is physicaly attractvie — maybve flush that out — then the long term, meaningful intimate, fun, compasssionate, intellectually benefitting relationshisp willl kic in . must get sleep!

9/14/03

Well, I partied hard last night at the lacrosse party, talked to this really fat “de paul” shirt wearing guy, no one seems to be from the city, but rather, from the burbs. I met george, alex, james, nate, carla, julia, may ling, gold card girl, (with the i’m cold gold card), and others. yesterday was a good day b/c I got up at 7, ran, got huge breakfast, then helped with race, then had snack, did psych, finished lewis, watched matrix then partied. I am still confused, frustrated, awkward, and not sure of the presence of/or in genereal “rules” with dating. it seems like girls hint at hooking up, not sure, maybe I should try hinting more at girls I like! I keep thinking people will direct me i the ritght direction, to the person that is most multidimensional fulfillying, but maybe I should have god do that or myself! All teh best . love, john

9/15/03

I am not going to let people affect my time. Senior year I betrayed how passionately I felt about running. I did that because I didn’t take the, not initiative, but self-recognition of I how I felt about running, and let other people affect my time. I should try to be “like Minor” when I run — no intellectual, sensitvie stuff, just running. The triathalon and the run with groups is similar because they both have me sit back and not have fun with it. Wow, this was one of the worst practices/runs I have ever HAD, EVER! It ran with four guys, when I should have been out running on my own. I stayed with group from some unknown stupid reason (feeling of running with the team being sensitive chatty, some/ldn’t from this stupid assumption that I should run with them! Running is not on cross country. I run, bike, and swim. well, this is a huge lesson in terms of needing to run fast or not. If I have things to say in class, similarly, I should say them! I felt DURING the run, untill I met the group, great! I swam 1000m (did an awesome hard-deep breathing thing in the the pool) FROM 2-230PM. Then I ate an apple OJ, mozza sandwich, and nibble of a cookie before 3. I breathed out of my chest, upward, while tucking/pulling my stomach in. So my food was perfectly in the center of my torso. Great time. I don’t know if coach “knows” i am fast, or if other runners do. But thinking about minor and jeff gives me clarity. What would minor be like if he didn’t “pull minors” and just run? He wouldn’t be “minor”! He would be just a lost, slow, suffocated hidden runner! The more I do these “run “with them” but at there pace” the more of my personal self/core I violate — the more identity I lose, the more I stay in moratorium, instead of identity achievement, continuing to train on my own, and running past those guys, works great!

9/16/03 Wednesday

10:28pm

Wow, went for a 2500m swim, 1.5 mile, then biked to Manitou, ran on the mountain trails there (Intemann Nature tree) hella cool, then biked back in time for dinner with Ben and Kevin, soccer juggling with erin, joe, and john, then martial arts for which I was exhausted. Class debate went well, even though I felt sick and I want to try to do a track workout tomorrow! One wierd thought I had was that this would is totally for me, just as much as it is totally for someone else, everyone else. Want to read am exhausted. Also the casey thing is a paradox, I love/gogoogogo gaga crazy over her/smart bright funny witty, the whole bag, but I am just too darn shy to go over there and talk to her I don’t know “what will happen”. i’ve only had sex or whatever with a girl when I’ve been drunk, so I don’t know how to feel comfortable doing it while sobe. All the best, Love,

John

9/18/03

Totally awesome day today!! I swam 1.5 miles(and saw travers in the pool!), biked to the Garden of the Gods, and then a 2:42 800m and a 6:38 1-mile for cross country practice. After going to the senior center for psychology. The eating/ especially drinking juice immediately after, .5 hour, a workout, that travers told me about, was huge! Gotta eat right after, too! Watching/listening to comedy is good stuff. I remember the “dance” being facial smiles/and good, unspoken, emotional communication with facial movements. I learned this from psychology with the smiling baby (engage), with the mother.

9/19/03

11:30pm. Wow, felt really drained today. Class was long. swam, worked on my report, biked to manitou, ran in the mountains, met some guy “Bob Frick”, went back showered, rastall, then saw Jim, crazy guy from World’s Gym! Then went to Hard Candy. Casey was frickin hysterical. Didn’t go with girl casey. I realized that I am introverted. Maybe accepting that will allow me to be more peaceful. I pray that lord will give me peace with myself, my achievements, girls, school, sports, family, and life in general! Love life.

Love,

9/21/03

Okay I feel that it is really important to explain to myslef that I am NOT prefontaine in resemblance, reincarnated, relation, whatever. I need to do this so that I can run freely and out of this image of being some runner who I have only seen as an actor portraying him. I work hard, flipped over in my car, and am extremely interested in running, and have people call me by my last name one-syllable nickname– but I have not gotten even close to Pre’s times, nor the olympics, nor a d1 oregon team, nor bill bowerman coach, all the significant things. I may have other things that help prove this invalidity, but I need to recognize that I am not prefontaine in any way, and just love running. Hopefully this way I will be able too be more at peace with myself, true to my feelings, friends, and relationships, and more direct and impeccable with my word.

It seems like some guys just go out with any girl whenever, wherever, whoever. It is obvious that I feel hooking up with any girl (may be possible) but isn’t in tune with my moral aggreements. I just believe in the long-term relatinoships. But I really need to, kind of like the knowing I am not “pre” thing for my personal integrity, sanity, and fulfillment, and want date and hookup with girls, and a girlfriend. I don’t know how to do that mainly, I think, because I think about it too much, or feel that everyone is watching me if I ask a girl out or something. I don’t want to become obsessed with a girl, and just want to share play, hookup, and learn. I really want to find out a way to feel that I am with a girl, and no one is observing or evaluating me and my relationship with her (which is the case!)

Finally, I remember how cool it was laying in bed, listening to music, in space camp. I remember having nothing on my mind and feeling so engaged and clear and free, because I had been so immersed in stuff that I was so interested in for the entire day. I didn’t feel suffocated, bored, or blunt like I do in some cultural scenes or something. I just felt really sensitized, focused, in control, and happy. I loved that free, light feeling, and think I may want to go into some similar field.! All the best. Love,

John

09/22/03 Monday

Finished my lab, swam in the morning — ROCKED! If I can get to sleep by 8-9, then I can get up at seven to swim, I went for a 4 hour bikeride!! Past Palmer park, down to Barnes and Powers, rural. I plan to maybe do a team workout tomorrow. Off to sleep! Also, I met a guy in a birdstore showing me directions (a CC alum, coincidentally), he showed me an old 1948 Col Springs map with only 2 main roads – el paso, and templeton gap, I would have really preferred that, less decisions, less ways to get lost! I also want to research mr. palmer!

—

This week I biked 5 times, ran 5 times, and swam 5 time. Totaly swimming for the week wasasbout 6000m = almost 4 miles

9/23/03

I have swam, biked, and ran the past three days — 2,2, and 2. Today I went to Cheyenne Canyon. I don’t think that ever will be easy. I saw tyler and sarah, which wsa cool, and am exhausted 10:20pm.

I realized that I kind of have a problem with recieving — people giving me stuff. I went into dan castaneda and kris’s room to watch a movie — and they made me popcorn! And gave me a cup of soda! I totally couldn’t believe it. I felt so exposed, useless, helpless, and trapped. They were just being nice, but I don’t handle being given stuff

well at all! I realized that I feel so uncomfortable when people give me things b/c the things that are given to me, I don’t look at as mine! The food that I get in rastall, food given to me, that I have to experience with the person who gave it to me. I try not to “taste” it! Or try not to enjoy it , because internally I don’t except it as mine. I didn’t do that with ari’s house — maybe because I knew him. That could be it, I knew people way before we share stud liek that I’ll figueri it out!

Biked to doctor’s appoint. new streets. 20+ miles! Awesome ride. woke up lat 130

Okay, letting people “use” MY time. SO MOTHER FUCKING PISSSED OFFF! I wanted to get smashed, and went to 421, ended up watching a movie with rob downing 5 beers behind me. I asked him once, but he didn’t hear me. I wanted to drink the whole time. I wanted to drink like no other, but other people weren’t why> wTF! WTF! Why don’t more people drink when I am around. Is it that manipulative shit. I felt like I was going to cry the whole time. I got so pissed and wanted break stuff, b/c I just sweat like crazy in 421 while watchign the movie, and wanted to paty! i felt used like those fuckers were watching me, and wasting my party time. I wanted to fucking kill them. TDamn it, not really, so fucking pissssssaawefofhjwefoipwidjfFUCK!. noq I M NOt int eh mood to drink . fuck. Are people manipulating me? Knowing I want todrink, then temptign me with it? Feel’s that way!! So pissed. fucker. Iwanted to meet girls. Do I need to be more assertvie with these poepl.e Or ditch them and hang out with people that make me feel better. feel like shit , fuckers.

09/29/03

Wow. Feel so together, complete focused, as though I have a purpose, driven for future progress in kumite, technique, kata. Karate has everything I am interested in all in one area. It has japanese language, philosophy, artistic kinesthetic techniques, sparring, self-defense, body/mind philosophy and focus. I feel like this Gasshuku had bits and pieces of XC stretching, triathalon words of wisdom, but I felt COMPLETE with karate — focused, TRUE TO MYSELF IS WHAT I FELT, I felt secure, true, wise, in control! Amazing. It’s a very DEEP, innate, grounding sense of harmony, peace, control, extreme interest in learning more and comfort that I feel from that much martial arts training. I truly felt as though I was being true to myself! Ooos!

9/30/01

Wow. Have an afternoon class this block. I went for a 1000m swim, biked to manitou trail, ran up to the “stretching tree”, then biked back, all from 10:00 – 11:30!! 1.5 hours for the entire bike/run workout! I felt incredibly strong riding back. My back felt arched the right way, My back shoulderblade muscles wer tensed in a way so that I felt like my torso was flat and that I was doing a push-up off my bike handlebars!! It felt amazing, and I am so awake for class this afternoon! I need to figure out doctor appointments, and chicago marathon plane stuff, though. I may take anthro, chem. Don’t know. the Taiwan abroad program sounds incredible thoughh! I can take chem, psych, and neuranatomy –!!! Jeeez, totally totally interesting amazing stuff! I hope I can sit peaceful through this clas!! Welll, I’m off to it!

10/1/03

Well, I really dislike the blandness of religion and politics. The topic is really interesting, but it moves really slowly. I love applying my knowledge (testing myself with problems in the book, multiple choice, or whatever). Mayve rel. and rel. + politics will grow on me. The teacher seems to be extremely intelligence (she lived in the yucutan, and was born in paris!) I do not feel well, my stomach aches, too. But I loved meeting Lindeman (chemistry yesterday) and discussing chemistry, most of which I rememberd! I remember so much from 4 years ago! We both agreed that this was a significant sign that chemistry/science was something that greatly interested (and still interests) me! All the best,

Love,

John

10/5/03

Wow, have massive, explosive, naseaous diarhea. On the upside, I finished my homework ,dorian gray (loathing book), and am started Doug Adams (whoo-whoo). I biked to Palmer Park, ran some trails, had diarrhea, biked hom, ran 70 pages in Dorian, biked all around — got lost, found Tinsletown, though. Biked back, Rastall, finished dorian, did homework. read awesome adams quotes:

“He [Adams] goes through life with a brain the size of a planet, and often seems to be living on a different one.” (so me sometimes).

“I find the whole business of religion profoundly interesting. But it does mystify me that otherwise intelligent people take it seriously”. (awesome biblical quote). heh).

10/6/03

Awesome IM Soccer game today! We won 4 to 3! Two people fasted, “hi” helped score points — I sprinted down once (Surged) and felt all of my leg energy coming from my stomach — felt strong, tight, really powerful.

10/7/03

my legs are like logs — can’t believe I biked to manitou, ran (2.5), ran (.5) agaoin, played a 40 min.(1h) soccer game, then did 2 hours of martial arts

10/8/03

Wow, Karate has made my upper quads extremely sore and blocked – -have to watch out for that. The Karate 20 Golden rUles are really interesting — one of my favorites is thinking of you oponents hands and legs has swords — keeps you cautious.

I haven’t been feeling well with my class — miss the science of psych., but am going to try to enjoy having fun in college and in life! Ireally want to work on tomorrow syaing what an awesome amazing, great, guy I am — the entire day! To see what happens!

10/9/03

Been thinking about why Ted kicked me off the team. The most obvious is –

I am not fast enought to keep up with the other runners. But I am extremely self-motivated and driven.

I am faster than most of the runner’s and won’t have anyone to run with. Pretty wierd way to treat a good runner, doesn’t relaly make sense, unless he thinks me running with the team won’t help me or the team. What the hell was with Murray’s grading deal?

The paper’s I wrote were exquisiste in style, material, and knowledge. The only thing I can think of is that she was giving me my “one” bad grade. It’s the only thing I can think of that makes sense.

Or she wanted me to argue my grade.

Or she suddenly went insano, and thought my writing was bad compared to the rest of the class.

10/10/03

Wow, really wierd dream. I dreamdt that Eva Sosnowska came to live with me and my family and she was all over me. This is my 9th night or something dry, the pill really seams to be working!

10/13/03

Well, I just finished the marathon and I am sore as heck! Quads- hips, shoulders, traps. calves. Yep- everything is covered! I can’t believe that I did my first 15k in 56:06, which is18:36 5ks IN a ROW — 3 of them, consistently, back-to-back! Cannot blieve that! I attribute that to, not whacking, eating a ton of pasta, getting mucho sleep, and doing a ton of intense biking/running training. 15k is totally my race! I check on line and an old 15k race of 2000+ runners, and I would have gotten 3rd place in the WHOLE race! Because third place was a time of 58 min.!! That is awesome. I was so glad for this chip times, or else my quickness would have gone unaccounted for because it would have blended into me slowing down for the next couple of miles. This is such a huge confidence booster, and breakthrough race that I was looking for. I am almost more excited about the 15k time than finishing the marathon! I am actually. Then that I ran 16 miles immediately AFTER the 15k freaks me out even more! Whoo-whoo!

One thing about class that has been killing me is how I need to go to the bathroom, 3 plus times in class, I try not to, so I hold it, then I get all sweaty, twitchy, fidgety, and uncomfortable, like I am about to explode. If I don’t drink water for the 3 hour class — I get really dehydrated, stuffy, and feel sick, so that isn’t an option. Do you think its okay to go to the bathroom 3+ times during class? My only concern is that it might look odd, rude to teacher, or lower my participation grade. Not sure, though.

I feel so amazing after that marathon race, and am SO happy about finding out that I am pretty good at 15ks! I really want to register for one now!

All the best,

John Kuczmarski

—–

Gosh — I don’t know why I haven’t told anyone about the marathon. It just feels awkward with them going “woah, you ran a marathon?” yep. wow, that’s awesome, thanks. Just seems cheesy, that’s all. I can’t believe how fast I ran my 15k, in a col. springs race, I would have gotten first place in the whole race! I am certain that, right now atleast, that is definitely my race.

10/16/03

Well, I kind of have been realizing that I should have to eventually get a girlfriend. Right now, I don’t really want one, and following my dad’s logic, I’ll probably get one because of that. It is just so restraining and time consuming. I would so much rather be running around joking wi

10/16/03

Well, I kind of have been realizing that I should have to eventually get a girlfriend. Right now, I don’t really want one, and following my dad’s logic, I’ll probably get one because of that. It is just so restraining and time consuming. I would so much rather be running around joking with people, not having to contain my energy. Most of the girls I have been with, makes me feel like I am in anoter class. Maybe this isn’t the case wit hall girls, maybe I can actually find a girl that I can get excited in conversations with, and learn, and get new information, and grow, and joke around and be comfortable with — if all girls are an annoying class-like burden, thing, where I don’t follow my own values and beliefs and jsut kind of let them take-over and use my time — that’s going to SUCK! I have faith that that isn’t the same with all girls though.

——-

Being wise in gung fu does not mean adding more but being able to remove sophistication and ornamentation and be simply simple – like a sculptor building a statue not by adding, but by hacking away the unessential so that the truth will be revealed unobstructed. Gung fu is satisfied with one’s bare hands without the fancy decoration of colorful gloves, which tend to hinder the natural function of the hands. The height of cultivation always runs to simplicity while halfway cultivation runs to ornamentation.

———-

I have been thinking a lot about Costa rica, surfing, and pursuing my own happiness. In costa rica, i had difficulty going to surf. I felt awkward or guilty doing somethign that brought me happiness unless the others were doing it to. I guess if I just look at myself not in any group, league, club, whatever. I would do what makes me happy, and my group would become the people that are ther ewhen I ampursuing what makes me happiest.. How do I evolve that independence/autonomy it’s a mindset that I :have to cultivate — one of self-interest, efficinecy, etc.

Gung Fu Man

mind not confined to one area

(wu-shin) no-mindedness/non-attachment

simplicity not ornamentation

no unnatural action (wu wie — nonaction)

support all things in their natural stage (spontaneity)jj

10/18/03

Well I am going to try to look at people as if they are younger than me. Hopefully, this way I wont get so worried and anxious and obedient and I can talk a lot and have fun. When I am with older/same age peoplle I become a mute that cant express what he wants. I am going to try to not do that by telling myself I am an amazingly great person and just have fun with people.

I realized that maybe I haven’t had a girlfriend is because, simply, I hae n’t wanted one! Usually if I want something I acquire it somehow. But, I want to hook up and play with people. maybe now I am ready to make teh commitment to a girlfriend.

10/21/03

CLOSURE! I realized that everything — everything!!! Everything!!! in my life right now, — my life, not anyone elses life, or “the state of the world or something, but my personal life — is about closure! This is so because I don’t have ANY closure on anything!! Everything Everything is up in the air! Every little action I take I try to make sure I have freedom and options, so I don’t make any sacrifices. When you make closure to something you commit yourself to it — allowing you to pursue it more readily — but you sacrifice other options!! I am nearly unable to sacrifice ANY options. One day I think I will seriously pursue running, the next day, I plan to surf after college! Here’s a run down of the things I don’t have closure on:

Cross country:(I don’t know if I am good enough to be on the team — I don’t even know if I AM or AM NOT on the team, for heaven’s sake!

Girls: I don’t know who my girlfriend should be. I don’t know how to date in college. I don’t even know if you do date in college. I don’t know by what criteria I should base my girlfriend on — should they be a friend, attractive, intellectual. I don’t know if other people know about having a girlfriend or not in college. I don’t know if they should be a burden, or they should make me happy. I don’t know if a girlfriend should require “maintenance” or we can just hook-up whenever. I don’t know what I can or cannot do when hooking up with a girl (How far I can go after dating a certain time or even what types of positions we can do I don’t know) I don’t know how long relationships last. Some last a night, some last months! I don’t know how I should react if I see a hot girl or if I am attacted to a hot girl — should I do a “double-take”, should I look at her, talk to her, “play it cool”.

Marathon: I ran the marathon two weeks ago and I haven’t told ANYBODY in all of Colorado!! That’s the epitemy of not having closure!

Major: Picking an academic major is huge type of closure, but it is something that I don’t want to sacrifice other options!

Sports: I don’t know which sport I’m best at — Martial arts, running, biking, swimming, triathalon, surfing. I don’t know which one makes me the most happy; brings me the most comfort.

Workouts: One other aspect of closure that I realized is true is with workouts. Sometimes I don’t even want to make closure with workouts, so in a sense, I never stop working out! Craziness.

Social Situations: Right now, everything is so up in the air, I am extremely frustrated when people say “Good bye” because that is a type of closure! When people say “good luck” I am even frustrated because, so much of my day relies on luck when I make nothing have closure!

It’s something that I have repelled my life away from. I have undergone the greatest strife to attain a boundryless state. Well, I’m there but I am floating! I am not committed to anything, so anything is my option, but I can’t really pursue anything — sports, girls, majors — without making closure. It would be better for me right now, to make closure and have that closure be a mistake, than to not have closure at all! Ultimately, I want to remember how applicable the issue of closure is to my life (even in freshman and sophomore years of higschool) so that I can start making some sacrifices and putting closure to things so I can gain some stability in my life!

Switching to LP was definitely a “type” of closure. It was my first, and probably biggest step, toward making some type of closure in my life. And I told everyone — parents, friends, the principal of the school even! And it was closure on my part to say that switchign to LP was a mistake! Picking CC as my college was closure, too. It seems that I am narrowing my closures, from some things (which school I should attend) to smaller things — majors, girlfriends, sports, etc.

Heck, I just realized that probably 80% of the girls I dated picked “me” or showed they had interest in me. So I never really had closure to them! I just kind of went with flow, and if they liked, me great. I still kept other options open. The only girl I can think of that I truly made closure to by dating was Alexa. I knew by asking HER, I was making a sacrifice and making closure. It was the best relationship I ever had, though! Again, closure is my thing now!

Man, I owe all of this newfound “closure” knowledge to the conversation I just had with dad. In allowing this huge amount of crystal clear understanding (all of what my dad and I discussed regarding lack of closure that is) to sink in, I have undstood something else. By not allowing myself to make any closure, I don’t understand when something is not an option for me. Therefore, I don’t know when someone else is telling me “no”. This is good because it keeps me positive, but I have to have some types of closure!

10/22/03

I did a CRAZY – the hardest, ever, seriously, travers workout today. 100pull, 100kick, 100pull, 100kick, 100 pull warmup. 5 x 100s @ 1:45, then 4 x 200s @ 3:45; then he gave me stroke work about extending my stroke!! He was such an amazing help. I really want to do that workout; and improve it so I can do it without being extremely sore.

Okay, dealing with Kat. I really like her, but it is a crush. I have no way of talking to her. I don’t know her number, how to reach her, what she does, I’ve seen her play soccer, live in spanish house, party, that’s about it. I remember I helped her with her computer set-up last year, but that’s it. I realized that even if I didn see her in some common place — like Rastall — I would be to freaked out/nervous/paranoid that others would be watching me, or think we were on a date. And if I did work up the guts to sit with her — she’ll be having a blast with all her friends or it will be extremely awkward and uncomfortable, I’ll say something stupid, and end up wanting to get out of there, blowing the whole thing. Maybe I should slow down. I try to exhaust myself durign the day for workout s and so that I am more relaxed if I get to see her! But I do all this preparation to see and then I never see her, or, if I do, I am way to nervous to do anything. If I was just naturally happy, and calm, and normal around her that would be best — but I guess that would mean that I wouldn’t like her that much.

1:38 am

Okay, why can’t I sleep with a girl? I really NEED to have sex. More sex. I am a horny 19 going on 20-year old. It’s like eating food adn drinking, I must have sex with girls.

10/23/03

Well, I finally hooked up with a girl at CC! Zoe, it rocked, she had massive boobs. But on a mental and happiness level I am even more happy and well-off! I started doing this “spatial reading” thing, where when I am out and about with friends I read everything — bottle labels, posters, shirts, logos, everything. It keeps my mind entertained and me active and happy! That and rotating my wristst (like in sparring) keeps my mind entertained. Also, I have been doing a lot realizing about the whole closure thing. Getting closure on those e-mails and xcountry was fantastic. I am looking and feeling amazing. I gave myself a haircut == 1/2 all around, 3/8 on the sides. Awesome length – it looks and feels awesome. One other thing I realized was that the Ashley girl had never hooked up with a guy before — she said she had never seen a guy’s groin area. This made me realize the special thing that making out/hooking up is, and I still want to respect it! Thank you so much god/dad/my brain for the clarity I have had, the intelligence I have been able to utilize to help me overcome obstacles and pursue live enthusiastically — my health, my incredible luck, and the contacts I have been fortunate enough to have to make intelligent, wis,e kind, funny friends, athletic inspirers, girls, and professors!

I loved swimming, too. I feel that that swim just really helped but my body in INCREDIBLE alignment, and since the body fuels the mind, and since swimming works every muscle in the body, I ended up feeling incredible mentally and physically. Evan seemed a little looked down upon by girls, and this really frustrated me that they almost had prejudice against him as some dork or something, so I kept trying to complement him and show them that they shouldn’t make first impressions because he was a cool guy.

Regarding Zoe, she is a very hot girl, but kind of ditzy. I am definitely going to respect her feelings and not pull what I did freshman year, hooking up with everyone. Kat is such a cool girl all-around, so I atleast want to try to talk to her about stuff! Also, that rocked last night, but I didn’t know if she wanted to hookup more, or if she was hesitant, or controlling, probably more hesitant. I will try to get some closure on that as to where we stand. I don’t know if we were mutally doing a one-nigher, and if so, I don’t know if we should make an effort to stay in concact or not . I also don’t know if we were doing something that might lead to a more serious relationship. I don’t think I really wanted that, but I don’t know. If she does, I don’t know how I’ll respect that, but I’ll try.

10/24/03

Okay, if girls “know what guys want” why don’t they give it to us? Why do they entice us? Maybe we should think that we know what they want. I need to rember — closure, closure, closure. Everytime I hear someone say “goodbye” and I am frustrated I should recognize that I am not or have not been making closure to something. When I meet a girl that I like this is what I do: I am hesitant to speak with her. I says some stuff, then back off regardless of her reaction, then I go try to stay stuff to her again and I will only keep talking to her if she “let’s me”; that is, if she shows signs if she wants to talk to me. If she doesn’t, then I completely back-off. The problem with this approach is that she is always in full, total control. I am only going as far as she want. Why can’t it be that she goes as far as I want? Gender roles, history of stereotypes, masculine dominancy, masculine horniness maybe. If women went as far as men wanted, then maybe all men and women would be having sex non-stop! I don’t know at all how I should base or gauge how far to go in a relationship with girl. I don’t ever want to come off as a pimp/rapist/man-whore/I don’t want to scare them away.

10/28/03

Okay, A lot has gone down. Phil. I am staying in. Even though I hate it. This girl zoe reminds me of an alexa/taylor combo, which is interesting because I have had a different outlook on life with more experience so maybe I can juggle the relationship better. There are so many things I want to say in class, but I don’t because of politeness of conversation, mainly. If I get cut off, I don’t know really what to do. I also can’t believe I went to Kat’s room yesterday. That was SO gutsy/awesome. zoe is pretty hot, but the Bi thing is kind of wierd. The martial arts thing has a lot to do with my class awkward participation. I really hope that I can continue doing well in life — girls, friends. Ireally really really!!! Like the friends in my wing. Jocelyn reminds me of Lisa, so it seems like it’s an entire wing of us just hanging out and having fun — the type of fun we have when Lisa is here!! The freshman thing, is odd. I notice that the freshman are so much more enthusiastic. I mean, I saw james and mike, and they barely said Hi to me — actually, they didn’t. I am always eager to say hi to everyone.  Maybe they thought it would be “uncool” to do that infront of the class or something, huh. Well, if this philosophy professor is gay, then, that’s interesting.  I was a little afraid that he might “hit” on me, and I wouldn’t know what to do, but a female teacher has never really “hit” on me so, hopefully that won’t happen. I really like Kat, the more I think about Zoe, the more I want to end it — straight up, that I am wasting my time, but it would be fun just to hang out and whatnot. I am really self-conscious of what others might think about us hanging out. It seems like if Kat went abroad, I would feel wierd. Man, I really don’t want to act stalkerish about her. I just feel like I would never be wasting my time with her — I would always try to engage myself. With other girls I am sometimes like “get me out of here and let me have my own time”. Well, I am about ready to make the change to hang out with girls that, would be a lot more gutsy to ask out, but would be so much more fun hanging out with them because there would actually be a cool friendship, intead of just people hooking up with other people for their bodies. Kat kind of reminds me of Alexis almeida, for some wierd reason. Oh well, I just want to be aware that I want to make a gradual change socially and academically — to start hanging out with people that are all around fun, not like I am wasting my time. And classes/teachers that are all around fun that aren’t wasting my time.

10/30/03

Okay, I saw Kat today at the spanish dinner. I talked to her about something — I don’t remember what. I should have gone up to see her before she came down. I want to build up a base/friendship first, so that I can tell her what I really want to say, which is : “Kat, I think I head-over-heals about you. My friend mike told me that I had this really lengthy conversation last weekend about how I have always had a crush on you. I don’t remember having the conversation, but I almost knew it was true. I always true to play it cool and act “normal” with girls that I like, that I really really really really like. It’s almost like anyone I really truly like, I neverwill be able to because I don’t want to show that because then I am vulnerable to being humiliated by the entire school knowing that I liked you. Jeez, I really really really truly NEED to tell you this, so I can atleast get it out and not have such a huge psychological, emotional, crazy blockade in my life anymore.

——

Man, I realize that I almost always only do something that others tell me to do. I workout on my own, etc. But when I actually want to do something. I almost have to have someone else tell me that I should do that or can do that. IT’s like I need permission for things that I want to do! Eat junk food, talk to Kat, all that stuff.

11/01/03

Wow, halloween yesterday. My first D1 Hockey AND girls soccer game all on the same day! Can’t believe it took that long. After writing my paper (doing my homework right away), I tried to see if Kat was around, she wasn’t so I left a message, and it felt so good trying everything I could trying to get in touch with her. I visited the spanish house twice, and left the message. After I did that, I somehow felt extremely peaceful. I kept thinking to myself, “hey, there’s nothing to worry about all”. I realized there IS truly nothing to worry about whatsoever — with my parents, even if they aren’t “perfect” or even if they are, I can’t think of ANYTHING to worry about!! It is such an amazing feeling, because I am so used to worrying about grades, appearance, impressions, expectations, everything!

——-

Zoe just callled, and I am always extremely sensitive to the extremely complex arena of emotions, and I hate having them roll around in my head, and unsettle me. She seemed to sad on the phone, and I don’t really know what to say. She’s too ditzy, lesbian, outrageous, and whatnot. We’re on totally different levels. It’s just frustrating trying to talk with her.

———

I just realized that a huge key to getting girls is playing hard to get. This is completely different from acting indifferent, uninteristed or unmotivated. It is definitely NOT acting like that. You should still be really motivated, exciting and stuff, but you want THEM to like you, and you be hard to find or something, which is exactly waht Kat is doing right now. I can’t believe it! Well, I feel really really comfortable being at my computer again. I think I am going to go for a bike ride.

———

Went for a really interesting bike ride — slow, long, and contemplative. I thought about how often I work out and how it seems to be mainly all for girls. I thought about how I always seemed to have been seeking for “the perfect” person — my soul mate. This seems extremely similar to Tom Fort, with his “romantic” love relationships. I am not saying that I like tom in some homosexual way, but I was just drawing the connection of similarity so that I realize that we seem to have similar huge bouts of emotional expression. They are a ton of fun. I am exhausted and must eat, however. I also thought about how philosphers, writers, maybe that is the whole point of life to find a “soul mate” person. Gott get food. III

11/3/03

Okay Woke up at 11:30 – long hard run. had salad, awesome class – about color and pain. Then I hung out. Went for late night hardcore manitou bike ride, had dinner, karate (really really intense class. I tried calling Kat atleast 4 times today. Finally, I left a message about portuguesses lessons. It’s to frustrating and time consuming – feeling vulnerable by leaving a message kind of feels good, feel a lot more open conversationally with other people. I think I might be better off with Anna, but I’m not sure. It doesn’t seem like kat live’s there because jericho ahs the answering machine, kat’s never there, and she was on jericho’s bed that other time. I just really don’t want it to be a manipulative mind fuck thing. I am definitely not pressure it and move on. If I see her in a cool situation, great. I am not going to avoid her, but I’ll just hang out and let things happen. I am definitely confident taht someone — toa, god, something – has stuff planned out in some great cool plan. I’lve tried to get in touch with her alot though. Well, off to sleep!

11/06/03

Just played soccer and realized lightness of feet is the best way to play, quick, tapping feet on the toes while running, and the straight-line run. It was SO much fun to play with Andrew Y., Mitch, Draft, Parry, Miles, Me, Jared, Brad, and others. Soccer ROCKS!!! Ohter news, Realized how great life is that I could play soccer, watch, hopefully Bev. Ninja and soul calibur, be constantly surrounded by beautiful women, and have feast for a cafeteria!! Amazing!

—-

Just came back from a run AFTER eating rastall dinner — went really well. I stomached the food ALOT better than I thought! I have to remember to run from my bladder (pointing outward), and stick my butt out, while keeping my back arched slightly back.

2:51 — Okay, I don’t know why I drink. It damages my party and everyone calls me a girl, sloppy, smelly, gross, lame, week, and I hang out with all these dildos who just make me feel extremely stupid, unexperienced, and inadequate. This feels like Hell. Pure hell. When I tried to smoke I kept running into people — it was impossible to go the party, it totally sucked. All the girls were stupid and pissed me off. What would be interesting would be to imagine if this was like highschool. I hate “bowing down” to girls — or anyone except god, period. So Ifeel humiliated when I feel I have to do that.

11/07/03

Okay, I had to write about this day even though it is 5:10 am (and I haven’t gone to sleep yet) because it could be one of the best days of my life! I don’t know if it was because I had a cool talk with Peder, I ate salads, I ran, and only ran twice, I wrote poetry (and since English was my intended major and I constantly love reading, maybe this “aligned” me or gave me confidence), but this day rocked!! I drank last night – faily heavily. Dan Dolores got hammered and gave everyone tequilla shots with his infamous triple shot. Today I woke up, ran, got breakfast with peder, dylan, apples, brian, zack. I was talking to peder — cool 24 year-old swede. Then I researched runners (swedes, and whatnot), then worked on my rhyming “soul to body” dialectic for philosophy class, after watching “dead poet’s society” that double poetry connection made me feel often. I finished dead poet’s then I hung out untill around 7:00ish then ran at night. Both runs I didn’t use music (my ipod didn’t work at night). Then I went to the sage, and bought a salad, and then I saw Anna! From my old wing! The awesome amazingly cool anna! She was with seth, so I think they are going out or something, but it was so coincidental and saw awesome that I saw here! I drank so JAgermeister “in the sage”! Then talked about how she lives on montgomery and how she was going to the club hockey game. I rounded up Peder to go (after leaving my, then retrieving, gold card at teh sage). The club game was roudy, I sat in front of JMR (jammer) (from the philosophy class) who kept yelling in my ear by accident, I saw Anna for a split second and said something, but then left back to slocum. Walked to the closed C-Store with zack, dylan, and brian. Said dylan looked like William Dafoe. Then went with rob to this soccer house party — which was a TON of fun! the house was really cool, and I kind of danced with Hilary. I saw Kat, too! She was hanging out with some kind of gruggy, hefty, wierd looking sloppy guy. I asked her about her leg, and then went back to slocum where Rob had a mini-party, then I watched saving silverman! I wasn’t nervous with kat, and dismissed it so easily! I felt so natural talking with anna, and with kelly — later that night ,about how she hangs out with girls and how they always sneer at her because she hangs out with boys (just to chill with them not date/hookup) so they , with misguided thinking, she’s a whore — not true. Awesome day off the bed. I really like my poem/dialogue thing too! Ipout ALOT – james, writing style , time into it! over and out your the best. love,

John

11/11/03

I am going to try to talk to doctors so I don’t blame myself for not having a solution to wetting. I am going to talk to ernesto so I don’t feel frustrated with all his criticism administered during class. Iam going to try to embrace the “frightened” feeling so that I can not get anger, scared, or frustrated, choose to rationalize it, and respond in a healthy direct manner.

11/12/03

Well, went for a bike ride (manitou, intemann, colorardo ave) again, had an hour 1:15 class today, then I think I will play soccer or bike ride to Palmer. Because parry won’t let me on his team, probably the latter. Feel awesome! all the best. Sincerely, John Kuczmarski

11/16/03

Okay, wierd dream: I was going to go swimming, even though casey told me not to. But I didn’t because I had to many books and junk in my backpack to worry about (if it would get stolen or not).

I had the martial arts test yesterday and got purple belt (5th kyu) even though I was going for 3rd kyu(brown). It was cool because michelle got 3rd and I am two belts under her anyway. I came back, ate chinese, ran, went to hobbit, watched identity, went to jungle boogie, had sex with zoe. Really, really frickin’ sore after sex and martial arts1!! My lats,lower legs, everything! I really want to try to get good grades — valedictorian-style like robin. He is a very cool guy. It was wierd that people asked me if I knew robin and casey — they’re good guys.

11/20/03

Feel pretty drained. did the incline yesterday, haven’t eaten. Really want to get food! Cya.

11/23/03

Okay, I am going to be emotionally honest: I hate talking with zoe — no hate’s to strong of a word. It’s frustrating. She always has to be upbeat, and cherry, and enthusiastic. That’s what I want in a girl, but she is always wanting to hang out. I feel embarassed being with her around other people, in general. She is just big and chunky. Good things about her are that she is enthusiastic, kind, sensitive, communicateive, easy to talk to, and open to sexual stuff.

11/25/03

Okay, I was vissciously sick with hopefully, just food-poisoning yesterday. I felt like I was going to die! I puked and had to run out of the computer lab into a bathroom! I really needed to bike in the mornings, and I felt that sitting through class at the beginning sucked. I am liking my class a little more, now, but I hate afternoon rides. Must be morning. Well, I going to try to work ahead, and get a little run in. For a swim toworrow morning.

11/26/03

Wow wierd dream. I dreamt that Dr. Shultz or sorchett, pretty sure shultz, was making watch these movie segments of penelope cruz (or maya?) and label them as “pretty”, “attractive”, “sexy”, etc. I couldn’t figure out the labels he wanted for each picture so he told to me to ask myself to label the pictures based on where they were in the movie. Then I dreamt about this mexican guy who put some wierd gel all over himself that semi-prevented sharks from biting him, then he went into shark-infested waters and got bites all over his achilles. Someone, I think professor Montano or Shultz went in and pulled him onto a boat, or sub.

12/02/03

Okay I realized that I only do sexual, and eating things for myself when I am alone because I do not want to set a bad example, I do not want people to thing that I am a horny, sloppy, guy who eats greesy pizza. I have a problem of enjoying MYSELF when I am around others. I eat the foods that I think you’re “socially” supposed to eat, or do the “socially acceptable” sexual stuff. I do this because I want tobe a “good” person. My moral value system is based on societal values. This is (I hope) right before I develop my own moral system, and do not care what society/others things, because I will be doing whatever myself, guiding my own morals on my own.

I don’t know if I can take this class — this is when I started puking my guts up last year. I think its the math, maybe it just doesn’t settle with me or something. I can’t breath during this class – throughout the whole day, I feel plagued by burdens, I hate the class lab. We’re together for nearly 6 hours! I have no privacy, it sucsk! I really don’t want a repeat of Latin sr. year where I couldn’t focus, I want to focus, get great grades in this, and then train for tri, or just exercise.

I feel like I need a bunch of time to do stuff — free time. I hate reading stuff on a schedule and running on strict schedule (unless it is the exact same everyday like bloc 2 and 3!)

12/04/03

This is seriously one of the hardest most difficult days of my life. I am spending WAY to much time with my class. My partner is a moron who, worst of all, reminds me of mike. Mikey M is so frustrating because he doesn’t really care about anyone, but himself. He is an emotional idiot. I would never give someone who went through an emotional crisis a newspaper article like he gave me. That frustrated the hell out of me. I couldn’t prevent myself from crying in class today, almost every 10 seconds I felt something bubble up. It was really wierd It maybe was an accumulation of stress ( from things to do today, quizzes, difficulty of understanding material), having all these objects shoved in my brain (sybmols without explanaion (like computer science), not eating from an insanely long bike ride, and getting back so late last night. The feeling like I am being watched is killing me in class, I kept feeling like people were looking at me. I remember last year. Sitting through class was hard after running, today it was very hard because of not running!

I have been spreading myself WAY to thin. I have class, meetings, and talking with friends revolve around swimming, biking, running. They keep seeming to hint at what is best for me. Overall, I can’t do ANY of those because of so many fucking commitments.

——

I was talking with dad and realized: “The number one thing I need to worry about is being at peace with myself”.

“It’s okay to have fantasies, but I have to accept them and acknowledge them AS fantasies!”

—–

Okay this day has ROCKED So far! It’s 2:00, I’m about to do a manitou bike ride. I ran this morning, took the prob/stat quiz, then had an awesome class, where I didn’t “worry about how I should sit, or when I should look at the prof, or how I should ask questions, or something” Everything just came REALLY naturally! I asked some great questions, said some awesome remarks, and totally absorbed the information, actively. As a result, my notes were REALLY crisp and organized!!! It totally rocked!! Off to bike.

——–

I have created now some patterned mindset patterns that frustrate the heck out of me. Whenever I have the opportunity to do something that will make me happy, I have a pattern of choosing the things that make me mope and make me suffer. I don’t know what will make me happy around a decision, untill after the decision, because I am so used to. I have been deliberately been trying to make myself unhappy, even since I have tried to break out of my “image” or be “identityless”. The pattern is so ingrained in me, that, even after I take steps to make me happy, I easily fall back into taking steps that make m

12/??/03

I have created now some patterned mindset patterns that frustrate the heck out of me. Whenever I have the opportunity to do something that will make me happy, I have a pattern of choosing the things that make me mope and make me suffer. I don’t know what will make me happy around a decision, untill after the decision, because I am so used to. I have been deliberately been trying to make myself unhappy, even since I have tried to break out of my “image” or be “identityless”. The pattern is so ingrained in me, that, even after I take steps to make me happy, I easily fall back into taking steps that make me miserable.

Because my image and my identity over the past three years has been dismantled, I end up being affected so much by people because I don’t have an image. Having an image is what allows you to interact with people, it is empowering. Not having an image is not “freedom”; it is the way to NOT interact and engage, and have fun with people. Not having an image (having dismantled my image) allows me to not relate with girls and not have fun with girls and feel miserable and frustrated around girls. Not having an image has made it so I am clueless when it comes to decisions, too because I have done so many things that make me unhappy, I don’t even know how to deal with being happy again.

How long have I been doing this shitty – making these shitty decisions where I do stuff taht makes me unhpoayy? Do I like running? I have no fucking idea. I know I love surfing. I hate being uncertain about stuff. I could try using stat.s to answer these decisions in the face of uncertainty. If everytime I surf I love it, the probability that I will like the next time I surf is about 99% sure that I will enjoy it. I have complaied about how running messes up my back, or thought in races that “i hate this, i hate this [running]”. Surfign is just fun as hell. it puts my body in line, gets me ripped, i love it. I have been trying to “find ” a surfign here — biking? I think I chose CC because I thought it would make me unhyappy, and I slipped inot that old pattern, fuck. I need to start doing this that make me happy.

—-

I realized i have been trying to piece together an image by borrowing stuff from other poepke – mikes tlaking fast, brad pitts lat id back style, it furstrates me that I have not been my fucking self, damnt shit fuck. I don’t want to be an agnry irritable person, I want to have fun, carpe diem, love like ,suck the marrow like I did before. I hate thinking I am gay, when I am SO fucking not, damn it. I hate not being able to have fun with girls and havee wild sex with grils, I so want ot be a good person, not a gross jerk person. I SO SO SO miss the days when I loved james and we were cool together and had fun together.  That fucking course made me think our relaitonshp was bogus, when it was the most real relationship I had with a person — every, more than mom, more than dad, now I am fucking intimidated by the guy because he’s so intellegin,t handsone, and loaded with girls. That doen’st piss me off up the wazoo that he’s my younger brother and intimidaets me with his brains, and good looks, but that we lost, and I destroyed our kick butt awesome abmazing relationshp. FUKC that makes me infuritiate.d!

Daminit I want ot be the way I was — loving life, happy, funny, awesome enthustist, peacefful, calm, alive awesome — that I was around my family in michicagin, with everyone. especialyy with my family now, and my wingmates nand poeple at collegt!

I ams sick if tyrign to prove to people that I am smart, funny, not dumb, fast or something, I just want t ohave fun like i used to.

——-

I hate feeling rushed or impatient or like im being attacked hwen i hang out with friend~! I jsut want to be and have fun and not feel like I always have ot recharge or sometihg! having an image allows you r sould to intareta the most, it doens prevent it from interacting!

——-

I punched people jokinglynb

——

Okay, AWESOME Bike ride, I kept breathing into my stomach the entire ride, felt really fast and strong. And it was a ton of FUN!

—–

Okay casey gave me the scoop of what happened friday. I was crying and talking about kat, not being gay, not wanting people to think I was crazy, and tryint to geet sleep. I found out kat has a boyfriend. I have to admit to myself that she doesn’t like me, know me, are care diddley squat about me. This is sucks. It pisses me off and makes me feel pathetic, but I can’t do anything about it!. I am also kind of pissed off because my dad htought that I hadn’t even tryied to ask kat out, when I had twice. And now I feel even more humilated because he’ll know that I didn’t get with her, when he thinks I should have. Zoe is okay of a relationships, but it seems bland, its practical — we have sex, talk, and discuss stuff. I just have a crush on kat, and I erally want to to get over it but I can’t, letting this stuff sink in about her not caring about me, and having a boyfriend may help me get rid of that. Casey is right about how I should try to take it easier on myself. Maybe I kept spitting because I wanted a fight??Maybe part of why the kat thing is such a big deal is because I am so used to NOT listening to my crushes, and just going along with people who like me.

12/15/03

Okay, Long day. swam 1000m in the mroning, biked to the base of the incline, ran up the barr trail (part way) and biked home. Then did martial arts and went to TWIG. I saw zoe right before twig performance and realized that I always look fro things that make me frustrated in people. Like when she was moving throught the crowd, I saw how she crunched her shoulders inward, so I thought she was insecure. I realized I am afraid of being around other people with her because I think I can do so much better than her. If she was atleast in my grade, that would help a ton!!! In terms of making me feel like I am doing it just for play! or something! Well off to sleep. I realize I need to let the Kat-thing go, tell her to go screw herself, and I would be way to nervous and wouldn’t like it at all if she even did want to hang out with me, so it’s a no-win situation full of anguish that I should just forget about and defenstrate (chuck out the window)!

SEA Journal (2003 – 2004)

Why is the campus so calm (I prefer it that way, but I expected it to be noisy and crazy)?

Is it because I am nervous and people are sympathizing with me?

Judge

I can’t take care of myself

Ridiculuos; so self-sufficient; Everything that was needed to get me here, in college, and other stuffI didn all on myh own.

I look flushed, nervous, and anxious in class

I had just gotten back from being lost, no wonder. makes physicological sense.

I get way to hot, nervous and flushed around reannin

I might like her. It’s totally normal to be aroused around people.

I am not being aggressive enough with reannin

I just met her and everyone else yesterday!! On the contrary, I’ve gotten to know her really well, and I’ve made friends with otherpeople too, josh, lee, julie, really quickly extremely quickly learnign a ton of stuff about them

I don’t even like reannin

Could be true, but she’s smart, and if I don’t like her- a good friend that I can learn bio-scieenc stuff from

I don’t go after the girls that I am attracted to physically (even though I know I am)

I have been experimenting with trying to find convseraviotn attratonton too, totally a normal, good-natured, decent endeavor. Nothing wrong with that, but all the same I should hook up with girls I like, if we like each other, makes sense

I get too worried about studies

That’s good to keep me focused, And I have a right to be being jolted here. I’ll adjust, study hard and do awesome.

I shouldn’t be running, but acting

Ridiculous I love running, and hanging out with friends (acting kind of) I can and should continue both. Running allows me to have fun acting with friends/ hanging out

I shouldn’t be running, but trying to be with girls.

Same, ridiculus running allows me to be comfortable with myself and with girls.

I had to much fun at the part last night

I didn’t have too much fun. I simply worked in class for three hours, then worked on maps for 4 — the fun was definitely justified!

I talked to much.

Same as before. There is no such thing as talking to much if I listened to others, which I did. I was enthusiastic about what I was saying and just having a blast and expressing myself.

so much I wasn’t myself.

I was myself trying to be as normal as I could without dominating or shirking from conversation. It was great I was not being not myself. Everyone including me gets nervous in parties.

I tried to show-off by talking too much.

Same as before, just being really enthustiastic because I was so excited.

I was a fool for drinking in the first place.

I need to drink every once in awhile to balance fun with my intense workload!

I am a baby for still having enuresis.

I don’t have control over the condition. That is ridiculous and would be like saying I am a baby for catching a cold or for being paralyzed.

I am not good with numbers/compasses.

Anything that I don’t have practice with, most practically, I won’t be that sharp with. practice will improve my number/compass skills.

I am going to die without a bike.

Ridiculous I can still run

To be comfortable with girls and reannin, I need to bike so I am comfortable with my body.

Could help, but running and general exercise just the same would be just as well to burn of steam. Biking can be bad for my groin too, and it can misalign my bakc. Its still awesome though!

1/11/04

I don’t really know what to do about my feelings toward reannin. It is obvious that I have a crush on her, but I don’t know what to do. Right now, just being friends with her doesn’t feel adequae, but is probably the best thing I can do. I sometimes feel like she is extremely mature and at other times, extremely immature. Maybe this is her social immatureaty, and knowledge of science relaetd stuff maturity shining through. Maybe I should write a poem for her! I’ve done that before and it only worked or seemed authentic in the midst of a relationship — with alexa. Other things on my mind

school work

taken care of by plannign ahaeda

How reannin seems to hlep me be asware of schoolwork

normal and nice

Why did I not talk to her?

Because I thought she wouldn’t ilike me and I was sore the way she talked my head off on the way back and then just said godnight — did she want to show she was smarte than me? Was it a power trip. I was tired and didn’t want to talk back constantly to her. Maybe both tiredness and she wanted to talk I really want to act otneh the emotions and tell her I like her, if aI do. but i don’t want to have to feel like I must drink aroun her. Poem would soeem stupid right now.

Talking in russian was a ton of fun yesterday! All the best. lvoe,

1/31/04

Okay, I realized that I need to wait untill people ask me a question to feel like I need to talk — I don’t ever need to ttalk unless someone asks me a question.  Also, I want feel the constant urge to talkt to people and can talk when I want. Another cool way to keep getting by is to constantly breathe in (short breaths) and say things to myself to keep myself doing things.

okay, if this place was all girls, no authority figs. no guys, It would be heaven, I wouldn’t feel guility or ashamed about hooking up with people and I would enjoy it, do it more often, and wouldn’t have to drink aroudnd them. Also, I can achieve this by not worrying about repurcussions — what p;eole will say/think/god/teachiers everything/I worry what everyone will think if I hook up; wiht a girl. What is wrong with hooking up with a girl? They have to be socially accepted, socially accepted with me, dignified and generally, a good person, or else I’d feel ashamed locked-down or withdrawn. If I could just keep going, then that would be great. I realized everyone wants people to like them — this is power, the knowledge of that — but you don’t want to give away you like another person, normally, then they have the power, but two poeple have t o give up a little power dish out some to hook utp duh.

Spring 2003-2004

2/24/04

Finally back in chi-town ran a 6:05 mile today. Realize that my time in my life is kirting away from me. I was carted off the Cramer ship and back in chicago after the director pushed me off the set and being on paradise island. Using my time the best, is surfing and making money. God I love surfing.

Summer 2003-2004

???

I met a blond-haired surfer named Eric today while surfing at Rincon point. I cruised down the three tiered staircase platform descending to the beach front, buried my key, stripped off my shirt, and plunged into the water. I was amazed at the affect of not practicing for week had on my balance. I could catch waves fine, but was teetering and unstable, only able to stand up for a few seconds. I paddled down toward the point where I met Eric, the diver and surfer. I informed me that Rincon is best at low tide when the waves donít break on the beach, but the Islands, where he usually dived, were incredible places to surf, especially at China ñ something, Chinatown? ñ and some other place that started with an M. He had heard of Christian Surfers when I told him about my voyage down to Costa Rica, and told me to check out Channel Islands Surfboards and ask for Al Merrickís son, who new of the group! He paddled into shore, leaving me alone on the rocky, choppy ocean, shirtless and getting colder, but loving the gentle touch of the salty sea.

???

Early I ran into Peter, the 50-year old Swedish biker after I passed the strawberry fields, and we rode to Carpenteria, where I kept going, and saw this really attractive girl who looked like a combo of Taylor, the SEA mate, and a small bit of Maya. I am interested in moving on from thinking that I need to get nervous around girls to get them. I should look at as a time to relax and talk and flirt a little bit, I donít need to get nervous. Even though I only lasted for about an hour at Rincon backside before getting cold, and bored with the lack of waves, cooling off in the oceanís ripples and chill waters was the perfect way to close off a two hour ride! Great day!

08/??/04(Beah’s House Basement, Oregon)

By instigating change that allows the client to slowly progress towards a healthy lifestyle would allow the person to create proactive change and instigate a plan that overwhelmingly allows a person to shut the door on their court skills and play basketball like a mofo. Because if they donít have the purse, they canít hack the hock and the stuff the duck like a foot in a sock. Overall, they can produce crap and make people believe that it is wise and creative and they can insinuate a change of pace so that the overall masterpiece is interesting and inviting. But the end result is a bunch of chairs with books stacked high so that the old radio canít produce the ribs to by Carson Daily is a fag so wag the tag for the shooting deer and produce a situation where we just donít fear and fuck tits, nipples, and boobs until the vagina and the pussy slopping and juicing like a noob saibot kicking the fatalities of a fruit melon, to the middle of nowhere, that sporting goods store, Erewhon is where nowhere is because its palindrome turns on the TV which allows you to instigate a change of pace from hardly an race and leads you to promote an overwhelming signature phrase leads you to the kickstand of the table and I really should wack off or risk being consumed books and pamphlets and powers that be, just make my mind permanently lost at sea, because when I die, which will be for long and soon after that I will be at the waves of the surfing sea with waves under me, life is supposed to be easy not challenging, but all I do is challenge myself until I learn how to sing, but when I create a situation where I donít wack, my mind goes crazy and I feel like just want to scoff at people as the walk past me, but Iíll catch ëem up turn out into a basket case with a grocery-store supplyís worth of flowers and tea, can you make that horse go neighe we wee, only if your Robert miner, with the brother and me, however, that ës a sophisticated word, and all these people are lame and stupid, except that I donít know what to do if they keep on being dumb and I should really write my paper so I donít know why. James and I are crazy people becaue he is really political, probably going to be president, with his political power and comfort in politics, but I would be overwhelmingly confused if I stuck in that field, so I must go to a field with plants and no ivy, without that sticky stuff, I just will be free ñ so try me. Overall this story has gone so well, well with the frog in the bottom of it is where the story ends in a quell, so hope and I well get my wish when theres a full out swell. By rubbing a girls hot ass boobs allover my body as she brushes my penis with vagina and I lsoe all those stupid sex words because theyíre just cheesy names, real sex is personal without the funny games and you know how to die hot with the runnerby. Hopefully, youíll see the pane and not the pain ñ out the door you fly. Overall, you will make things work, but screwing a girl in the butt, who really is not a man but a woman. If you get with a woman with big breasts, then blood flows to my penis and I create a new situation based around fun. But swimming is a thing that is fun for me because I have been searching and trying so long when my family is so political its literal ñly focused on me trying to captivate my crap until I am lost at sea, with titties all around until I think that is normal, then I can move on to not take it personal, then I will be able to have fun you see, because with a dime a dozen, Iíll make the paper fly with me. This way is fun basketball with thyself, then I make the maze of words and cook the dinner all by myself. And on my own is what I have to do, because if I donít then Iíll die and make fun of you. Overall, I canít wait to start swimming, working out hard, reading, fucking, and sucking on boobies, that is what I want to do and making me think this is bad writing makes we want to move on to the next mobile home but Iím not m and m, so I just keep on tapping until I meet the ends of ends.

08/??/04 (Lake Oswego, Oregon)

AFter attending the 90th birthday party of Gladys and being around over 30-40 different people, I felt a tad bit overwhelmed after trying to talk to so many people. That one woman, Connie, was extremely attactive and 32, then we went to beah’s, then to Lake Oswego, and finally to this dinner party where I met people that looked like breck and this hot girl doing dance in chicago who was close to my age.

For the longest time, I felt as though I relinquished opportunities that I should have utilized for the sake of being in the state of nonresistance. This state of mindful non-resistance needs to be in balance with my desires, however. I must captivate my interests so that they are in alignment with actual reality of possessions and interactions. When I was interacting with the group of three people my age tonight, I realized that I was so intereest in maintaing or trying to maintain some kind of conversational momentum and initiative, that when the girl said she lived in chicago, I didn’t ask for her contact information for fear of revealing that I was strivign for something and this would appear to be effort and resistance to the three people. I was so intent on nonresistance that I was unable to stop doing this and give in to it because authentic nonresisiteance would have been very liberating because genuine nonresistance actually would allow me to maintain convesational control and then naturally ask the girl for her information. THis way I avoid feeling empty used and hopeless after intecactions. continuing nonresistance allows me to communicate freely and to actually liberate my mental activity because I would be so focused in on creating a resolve where I need to append myself to understand the agenda I am pursuing, instead I would just pursue it. By examining the fact that I like girls that are very graceful and physically focused on physiucal art like dance and yoga, reveals that I like women who are very playful with their bodies, but in an artistic way. I have got to move beyond being deeply sexually frustrated by not getting action, or, the sparse times that I do, having it be with someone I am unattracted to and start hooking up with people or a signle girl that is very attractive, and I must stop looking at sex as bad. Also I want to try to avoid thinking of intercouse as somethign sacred or taboo, and I want to have fun with sex and girls. That girl was so incredibly attractive and then I beat myself up for not askign her number. I can avoid leaving a girl that is very attractive by acknowledging to myself that she is hot, and tell myself, immediately that I want her contact information. Finally, I find the right moment to casually ask her for it.  LIke , “hey we should get together sometiem” or somethign like that. overall, This way I will not have regrets and will have done all I can .

Also it is best to start creating situations where I speak of the accomplishments I am proud of 2 marathons and mexico for example isntead of the oens that caused me pain — sea, teen freedom. And love life to its fullest whoo who~

08/??/04

I woke up, ran, ate, whent for 19 mile rid ewith dean, everybody came to LO, then went wakeboard ñ such an incredibly entertaining awesome sport. It rocked! That was so amazing. Then I had dinner and drove back wit mom, james, thaoms, and beach. Tyler is so cute with his pointing.

By creating compassion within myself, and truly thinking effortfully, when I communicate, I realized people listen more, I am residing in a peaceful reference frame, and I relate much more cohesively to the conversation by using a richer diction and vocabulary. However, the problem with creating a new situation with the environment is that I mus maintain that, but having other people treat my respectful nature with reverence is a mutal coalition of happiness and great bonds. I spoke with my mom, peacefully, and genuinely about the bladder and dieary and bike gift thing. It was frustrating at first because I wanted to rebel and say I donít need to follow the doctors orders, but she was right and just following the doctorís directions verbatim. She added extra pressure on me to have dry nights, but she kind of created a situation where I felt bound into being dry, and if I wasnít there would be problems. But hanging int hter ans acting like I agreed with her, led me to appreciate her wods and ultimately, trufthuly aggre, and a cool opportunity for a bike. Overall, my mother reminds me of me, the way I would talk to some people.  But she is a fantastic, caring, kind, wise person, and I feel terrible for treating her in a ammaner where hwe wfought but I am vehemently exuberant that tha periods has terminated and we have become more peacieful interactive. This mindful, effortful fthinkg keeps me connected with every one befcasue it has the ability to allow my mind reach out to peopleís agendas and connect with their soul, I just wait for the words. But this is not deifying myself, just fustigngf it so that it becomes good. . God do this will come from patient, tactfully word chose, conerastion, too.

The thing with girls is simple, I must be patient, simply focused in on the conversation, and getting contact info, and letting them show signs and make moves, so I am not onf the defense, for necessary reasons, but am focused in on creating an atmosphere of opening where I can see what the girl wants to do. I really am interstind in not having regrets, and pursuing these situations tactfully, with incredible patients, and then some assertive initiate in getting contact info is a great solution. Also I might want to try to make a move and be atad bit more aggressive. Othe rgirls my age after be as sexually aroused and active as I am. I could have sex four tiems a day, easily. I can do this by meeting a girl who I know is active and can flirt with. The not drinking thing is a problem, because all the girls, anne, zoe, nanna, and taylor I was drunk with. I can hookup with girls without being drunk by acting drunk and not carrying, but focusing in on maintainting conversation. Being drunk makes my brain open up and eyes kind of go int omovie watching mode , if I keep this mode, I will be able to persever wit patience and have glorious intercourse with hot babes. Overall, I must keep in mind and emotional and physical awareness that my physical beauty, attractive mental abilities, keen instight and intution, along with my deep comments, potential for reaching out and intrinsically connecting with peop,e coupled with my wickedly uniequ mannerism and humor allows me to be extremely attaract to most all girls. The y just done wonta to showt hat. Also , If turn of the pbreck theing. Usually aoompblie with quataoistiport efeyr someoth and I love life so Iíll keep loving it.

Respect for British Wording and Communication.

Majority of Author’s I’ve read in my ENTIRE LIFE have been British!! TRue!!

Government stuff. only politics followed was watching Prime-minister question time.  I discarded all else crap; never watched american politics and when did hated it! But australian may be even better than britain!

I have exactly 42 days until September 20th.  September 20th, Ideally, EVERYTHING should be out of apartment.  That’s teh deadline.  Sweet.  that’s not much time.  Where will that stuff go?